1.
7:57 on Sun night. I just saw a fb post that said,
“you deserve to be happier than you are.” And I thought, “I don’t think I could
be happier than I am.” Because I AM happy. Right now. Content. Fine. He moment
is so fine.
2.
Had GREAT day with my
mother and gave her great day too!
3.
And with her aide, M
4.
Remembered something
about Ji with like a fond longing. Which was great. Because it wasn’t aobut J!
The whole universe and all in it is NOT ABOUT J!
5.
I am having
fresh-brewed hazelnut coffee
6.
I am enjoying the
movie Must Love Dogs.”
7.
And thoroughly
enjoying my girlie time this morning.
8.
On this glorious day
off
9.
This glorious day of
life
10.
With my boys chirping
and singing
11.
I have a good book
going.
12.
I will cook one thing
– my whole grain pasta with sauce and green beans and Gardein and spices, and
have containers for the week. I may even add artichoke hearts.
13.
I am going to try to
remember doing 20 grats at NIGHT! Maybe 20 every morning and 20 every night
now. It should be good to do at night.
14.
My deep clean breath.
These are the first months ever with them. Not even as an infant.
15.
Not feeling worried.
14 days straight. Even at age 10, and 7, and FIVE I always had some fear.
16.
Poetry
17.
Paintings
18.
Music
19.
My two coloring books
that I bought at the Tate Museum! Could also be purchase online I’m sure. One
is “Color Your Own ABSTRCT ART Materpieces by Muncie Hendler. The other is
Color Your Own MODERN ART Masterpieces rendered by Muncie Hendler.
20.
And that I have
shared them with my class.
21.
And that they love
them.
22.
And as weird as this
sounds, I am grateful that I am not afraid to color IN them. Like, don’t have
to Xerox copies first. It is just coloring! Have done one, and I must say, it
is gorgeous. I love it. Different than the real one, but nice: )
23.
Now it is Wednesday
morning. I might have to stick to mornings and do a lot of grats in AMS then as
EXTRA try for PMs. That’s fine. And that is fine is a good thing for which I’m
grateful. It’s better than worrying.
24.
I had a horrendous commute
home yesterday. 1 hour 40 minutes for 20 minute drive but that’s not the worst
at all. The worst is the slipping and sliding. I was losing control of the car
a few times. I became convinced that I do not EVER want to drive in that car in
the snow again! I may seriously have to change my money plans and get a used 4
wheel drive. I do not want to go through this again! I am so so so grateful
that I DID get home safely! And I tried to stay positive and picture it too.
While driving slowly and carefully (and of course ignoring the phone that
rang…)
25.
And I am grateful
that although it was really tough and I wished for the days of J and the
safety-feeling, I didn’t fall. I didn’t sink. I was tense, but that was NORMAL
tense!
26.
My car got stuck
outside and I did the things I had to do. Called police and parking people and
walked upstairs to neighbor to explain (although I knew they wouldn’t be using
it, I was blocking their driveway…) I am proud because as simple as those
things sound, I did them and in years past I would have let J take them over. I
would have even felt I NEEDED him to.
27.
I KNOW the Law of
Attraction works. I spent years and years picturing how I could be strong if
God forbid ever had to be alone. Reading, tv, every way I could picture it.
DUH! So I DREW IT to me. That fear became my reality. But the good news is, it
is (empirical anyway) proof that the Law of Attraction works.
28.
And I am doing better
at not tormenting myself for the past. I am HERE now. And I have a future. And
more importantly, I have this day!
29.
Rather than wait
another week, my new French teacher (who was scheduled to come today) is coming
Friday. Yay!
30.
Tomorrow morning I
have profession development for a bit.
31.
And afternoon more.
32.
Then Friday I have
morning teach/ lunchtime French, and afternoon at another building doing
science work.
33.
This weekend I intend
to finish all the cleaning up stuff in the house no matter what. AND to see my
mother of course.
34.
I WANT to get to
work! No – you can’t know how big this is! I am so so embarrassed to admit
this, but I was always relieved by any opportunity to be off from work. Snow
day. Surgery! Any. Now I WANT to get in. Finally! Partly for conscience but I
always had conscience – it is more that – 1. I realize I AM important there.
NOT same as sub. And 2. I LIKE contributing. Wow. I’d have never guessed it…
35.
This. Which looks
great to me. Healthy inexpensive, tasty. http://www.vegkitchen.com/recipes/bountiful-beans/bean-salads/chickpea-and-raw-kale-sandwich-spread-or-salad/
36.
Ok. So. Guys I pay
screwed up. I couldn’t get car out. But
– it is fine. No one died over it. And THAT is a good feeling to not be so
upset
37.
And – a phone call
came which J. may have needed(!) so I called him. While on phone, chatting, and
he asked about something which led to something which led to – uh oh gulp – me
crying while he said, “Stop! That makes me crazy and I’m trying to help you
with this.” We hung up; I did what had to do. Was still crying though. A lot.
And, well, you know, talking to him does bring up the love and the loss a bit.
Plus after yesterday. Plus, once feeling bad about THIS (which had to do with
yet another screw-up of mine about money and mother), I started feeling – about
ALL my regrets J etc. So – I texted And I texted M and I asked each – pray for
me. M got it and did. And I could feel that. And – I had already taken some
action. Because J was coming and we had to go somewhere… - so – instead of
sobbing in nightgown hair icky begging, which IS WHAT I FELT LIKE DOING, I got
dressed nicely, put on my little necklace and earrings, and a smile, and acted
like the grown-up I am. Oh thank God!
38.
Then I remembered
ALSO – that I am a woman, a sexual being, desirable (to someone somewhere I
assume lol). And I behaved as such.
39.
And – J. did the
rest of what the guys I pay didn’t do!
40.
(And I will
straighten this out or get new guys)
41.
And – then *I *
stayed out for 30 minutes doing the rest – the part *I * could do. (He’d said –
anything wet today will be ice tomorrow morning and make it harder for you. So
while sun has been out is out and will be out more, do it now.). And I did.
42.
I am grateful for
the advice AND that I did it!
43.
Then came in and
warmed and dried toes.
44.
And – then put on
dry socks and shoes and walked to corner. For liquor. Not kidding. Want a drink
(maybe have 4 a month).
45.
Keeping track in
book of every penny spent.
46.
Not feeling J.
owes me.
47.
Not having anger
toward him.
48.
Starting to have almost
no anger toward self.
49.
My boys flying.
50.
Doing the best I
can.
51.
I didn’t sink
after all.
52.
I. Am.
Respectable.
53.
I. Am. Reliable.
54.
I. Am.
Compassionate.
55.
I. Do NOT. Panic.
Like. I. Used to.
56.
The book The Power
57.
Life
58.
What it may turn out
the “purpose of life” is: Live!
59.
Jigsaw Planet online
free jigsaw puzzles.
60.
Knadinsky
61.
Hope
62.
Bird food
63.
Salad greens for ME!
Lol
64.
I’m watching King of
Queens repeat now. Doug is having daydream or dream (half watching) of being
back on the road driving (cause stuck behind management desk temporarily). And
how he LOVES his job. It is cartoonish in fact. But – I REMEMBER watching it
before – and WISHING for that feeling. And I HAVE it now!
65.
Validating words from
my principal today.
66.
J’s help today with
bank stuff
67.
And snow stuff
68.
And offered to cover
the 15
69.
And my paying him
back anyway
70.
And we shall get
together Sun evening.
71.
Fell asleep! Now is
Thurs morning. I am not upset that it takes days often now for the 100. They
are deep ones. Grateful for grats
72.
Lots professional
development today. I think it will be kind of fun. And I hope so.
73.
No prep or lunch
break though. But will be with others in different way for some of it.
74.
Tomorrow French
teacher comes!!!!!
75.
And more professional
development
76.
And some time with
class both days too – that’s good lol
77.
Waking up
78.
Feeling that nice
feeling before sleep of being ok.
79.
I used my
Nutribullet! Oh my gosh it is the best thing ever! You throw whatever in it,
screw it on, prewss down for seconds (I did 20 – you don’t do even a minute)
and pour. THIS could solve the – days-I-might-not-get-enough-greens-otherwise
dilemma! I loved it! I threw in fresh kale, little bit frozen strawberries,
little chia seeds and water. Can put in anything. Basically gonna mostly taste
the sweet of the fruit. Healthy, low-cal, easy, quick, yummy. What a great
thing the Nutribullet is! No fuss like big blenders Vitamix etc. And 2 size
cups, each has lid, can bring with too if want!
80.
Car good
81.
Laptop
82.
Books
83.
Puzzles
84.
Enough money to live.
May have to move for safety as neighborhood changes. Well see. Then wouldn’t
have little house, only condo. But will put energy into attracting the best…
85.
Snow removal
services.
86.
Garbage removal
services.
87.
That great Indian
restaurant I took my mother to last weekend
88.
Sleep
89.
And – that I should
be able to get a little more tonight – just right
90.
Exercising and
movement of all types
91.
EJ
92.
Birdie
93.
JJ
94.
Kayleigh
95.
M
96.
A
97.
L
98.
Music
99.
Tchaikovsky
100. L. sent me this this morning. http://www.nybooks.com/blogs/gallery/2013/aug/13/tchaikovskys-wrong-note/
The fact that he sent it
101. And, I find it interesting!
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