It. Is. Day. 14.
Day 14 that I am fine.
I am not keeping track; I just happened to realize it.
I am fine.
I am fine.
I am fine every day and night for 14 days.
Something big happened to hurt me.
Something else happened to piss me off.
Something else happened to scare me.
And - I still can't get track of the house. But now - NOW - I KNOW I will!
And through it all
I am fine.
Like the "overnight success" in Hollywood, I have worked and worked and worked and worked. For like over 4 years. (Since before J left). And now
I
Am
Fine
And will CONTINUE the work. In different forms perhaps. Like, I used to do FOUR daily readings A DAY! I would literally read them and type them out here! I am not doing that right now, but I am meditating at least 5 days a week.
The grats I am changing in terms of number, but becoming only more and more different and always authentic, and I am practicing piano more.
I am not praying with desperation and pleading, but positively.
I am closer to remembering and tapping into the Law of Attraction daily.
I am reading again.
I am MUCH more outgoing at school. And every time I step outside my comfort zone, it expands.
I went to London alone! The first 4 (out of 9) days were going to the American school for retreat with Thich Nhat Hanh and his monks and nuns. That helped. The next 5 were go-about days. And I loved every one!
I read the 5 Mindfulness Trainings (can easily be found on plumvillage.org) once a month aloud with another person.
I have made new friends on fb.
I have gotten my budget under control.
I start French lessons this Wednesday! With a native French person!
I take much better care of my body now.
And -
for the FIRST TIME since I moved out of parents' house at age 23 (I am 58 now) I DO NOT HAVE SICK CRAZY INCREDIBLE OVERAGE OF FOOD IN THE HOUSE. AND I DON'T WANT IT! Ex - on the top shelf of my 3-shelf cabinet (I don't have a pantry in the little house lol), I always had 2 rows of things lined up side by side like books on a library shelf. Now, I have some items, facing front, with all space behind.
And - it FEELS GREAT!
The FACT has always been that there is more than enough food for me. I live near NYC. Can you IMAGINE how many stores and restaurants are around? I can walk TO SEVERAL! I couldn't run out of food if I tried. Oh in a bad enough storm - although there has never been one bad enough - I could wind up eating something I don't adore - like plain broccoli with brown rice. Would that kill me? And again - it has never happened. So FINALLY - FINALLY - the FACT is recognized!
And my dr says I am finally "beginning to see my assets."
And - I am LOVING my job!
I have hope.
I am enjoying the moment.
I go to sleep fine. I wake up fine.
I know sadnesses will come. Some will be big. That is part of life. PART of life.
And I am fine.
I know that very recently I was severely depressed. I don't think I will fall that far again. But I don't forget, don't worry.
Oh thank God. There is probably a number of years of time left for me to enjoy. And be thankful and be fine.
I am sitting here right now, on a day off, watching "Must Love Dogs" while I do my spiritual work. Then - I shall clean something. And maybe - get to take my mother to a movie today too!
And - I FINALLY know I am FREE. I mean, I can move if I want. Anywhere I want (yes I am taking into account the money I have to give he who made a vow but left me). I could move to Florida. Or Hafuckingwaii (in one room with a roommate practically - it's so expensive lol). Or half an hour away from where I am. Or France. Or Bali. Or Japan. THERE IS NO ONE AND NOTHING TO STOP ME. Of course I choose to stay to get my pension 97.3 of which has come from my OWN paycheck anyway! And of COURSE I choose to not desert my mother! But these are CHOICES. Wow.
They always were, of course. But I GET IT now!
I have NEVER been okay for 14 days. I mean without internal worry or loneliness or fear. I always - ALWAYS looked at single women with DREAD in my heart. "Oh my Dearest God I could NEVER live that way!!!!!!! Hang on! Hang on to J. Hang on for dear life!!! Or you will be annihilated!" And now - no. NO!!!!!! It is NICE! Look: I am an affectionate person. I am a sexual person. I am a romantic person. I love men. I want to have an "other." And in the summer I will probably start dating. And either continue for a long long time, or meet a significant other and be exclusive with him. But for now I am LIKING being alone. I lived here for 6 years on my own once before, but I was never ok. I AM now. I am not only ok, but I am LIKING it!!!!!!!!!! All but unbelievable.
Oh - and maybe I'll have a PARTY this summer! With lots of people. Right here at the house. I am excited about that!
Everyone who reads this helps me. I so dearly hope I am helping someone.
And my heart is always filled with love for EJ. Who came on one day in the beginning, when every morning at like 4 or 4:30 am I would be here crying, "Dear God please don't let me be alone in cyberspace." And one day, up popped an angel who said, "Honey you are not alone." EJ. I am crying now typing this. Thank you.
Words CAN'T do. So thank you.
JJ and Birdie for commenting with me. Thank you so.
I love you three women.
I dearly hope to meet you irl.
Perhaps you will be in NYC.
And I will come there and meet you.
And you are ALWAYS WELCOME to come here. The house will be fixed, and clean, and you are welcome even to sleep over.
I am overwhelmed at this post. At your peace, at your enthusiasm for your future, at your recognition of amazing abilities...at your hope. I have learned many things from you - but I think the biggest is this: everyone gets 'there' in their own way and in their own time. And it's hard, hard, hard work. And maybe it isn't always the way *I* would do it, but that doesn't matter one little bit. What matters is that you are on *your* journey, and I am here to be your witness, and urge you on. Cheer for and with you when things are good (London!) and be there holding good thoughts for you and offering advice when not so much (despair!)
ReplyDeleteI'm not a big on-line relationship person. I've abandoned FB. I haven't looked at the Veggie Board for years (but am grateful for it because I 'met' you). You are the ONLY blog I track or keep track of. I watch you very carefully - because it doesn't matter if we haven't met, I still feel like I know you and consider you a friend. I care deeply about your happiness, and am overjoyed that your path is straightening out a bit, and headed toward happiness and personal fulfillment.
I worry when I don't see you for several days - I don't worry so much anymore that you might hurt yourself (although there were certainly times that I did), but I worry you may be in despair. Now, if I don't see you for several days, I think "She's probably BUSY." A lovely, simple thought.
Thank you for the offer of a visit. I get that way every now and again, and will be sure to look you up. For a gigantic hug, if nothing more.
Much love to you, my friend, and congratulations on your progress.
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ReplyDeleteOh my Dear One. A million thank yous. Thank you. I am so glad you read it! xoxoxoxxoxoxoxo
ReplyDeletePlease know that every child I help, you have helped. Because you helped save me.
I love you.
I can't believe you follow. And closely. Thank you so much.
Thank you too for your generosity of words, honesty, time, care.
We are friends.
Friends of the heart.
You are always in my heart.
Someday an in person hug yes:)
I love you so much.
First I must apologize for my absence. Though I have been posting I have not been visiting blogs as much as I used to.
ReplyDeleteBut this post, I am so happy for you. Such awesomeness! All your hard work is paying off and will continue to pay off.
Namaste.
Hi Honey! I am not able to see your blog suddenly - only the most recent entry! I hope you saw the note I left you!
ReplyDeleteXOXOXO!