MY MOST IMPORTANT POST EVER!

Different

I Can. Support. Myself. Just. Fine. For. The. Rest. Of. My. Life.

Financial planner meeting at lunch today. Oh, phew!

I cried.

I might even be able to retire at 62 as wanted to, not 65 as recently seemed had to.

Less fear based –

Not about need money later if this… goes wrong.

But LIVE

NOW – AND – THEN!

I can take French and dance and piano!

I can take a small vacation every year or a good one every 3 years!

I have been working HARD for a LONG time. Here’s an example:

There was a time, when I was going through a divorce.  As a serious Catholic (at that time).

My mother was ill

and I was overwhelmed with fears of burning in hell…Poor young thing.

I had no money.

No bathroom electricity, car, refrigerator

No money. Like 1000 a month for ALL  my bills!

Mice would get in house if I tried to put like container of juice on cold windowsill.

During that time,

I had to get a job, of course. I didn't want one.

I got a job, and a SECOND job too.

I was in FOUR accidents. Not one was MINE. I was just hurt in them.

I got lyme disease. It took 7 doctors 6 weeks to diagnose it.

I got double pneumonia.

4 accidents (none mine) – and lyme disease and double pneumonia. Spent over a year out of 3 in bed.

92 banks turned me down for a mortgage. 92.

Walked with neck brace 3 ½ miles to course at night for some time, for Masters.  Got it. 4.0.

And

Got divorce

Got job and 2^nd job

And better job

And tenure

Bought house by self having never written a check in my life!

And had to do some creative financing to do it!

I had to get a job, of course. I didn't want one.

I got a job, and a SECOND job too.

I was in FOUR accidents. Not one was MINE. I was just hurt in them.

I got lyme disease. It took 7 doctors 6 weeks to diagnose it.

I got double pneumonia.

I spent over a year out of 3 in bed.

92 banks turned me down for a mortgage. 92 banks. Really.

With some creative financing, and one little lie, the 93rd didn't.

I got the job, worked it and the second job.

Went for my Masters to keep my NYS certification to support myself. Lawyer said could get more from Ji. Would not take advantage of Ji. Ji did enough for me. He gave me

2 years help BEFORE we filed. Now that filed, lawyer said can get 2 years help.

I said, But he already did that. Just because it wasn't filed doesn't mean it isn't real.

Lawyer said, "Wow. I REALLY respect you! Wow. I NEVER heard anything like that.' "Still, I could get it for you."

"No thank you," I said.

WALKED 3 1/2 miles on meds with a neck brace to masters courses AT NIGHT!

Got the masters, 4.0

Got a better job, and tenure.

bought the house, HAVING NEVER WRITTEN A CHECK IN MY LIFE!

The end. Of THAT part.

--

And

I do NOT have to subsist now. I can live.

Pay a handyman to fix some things around here like the crumbling carpentry out front… get heat in the sunroom! After decades! Omg I can’t wait.

And the biggest news of all – I WANT to live.

Oh, thank God.

Listen, I awakened this am and the first thought was missing J. But that is what it is.  – For now… --Plus maybe part of it is just habit too. I am fine. I actually looked in the mirror and smiled. Quite naturally. Just smiled.

Oh how nice.

You see – FINALLY. FINALLY(!) J. is not everything.

“They” say it takes 3 – 4 years for grief in most cases. It is 3 years minus a month since J left the first of the two times.

Maybe I AM normal after all!

This  means - ALL the feeling that i need J. - was fake! THAT'S THE HUGEST PART TO ME! not that I thought it was money – he hasn’t contributed much money for a very long time. But I thought it was everything – practical things, common sense things, love things, reaons- to live – EVERYTHING - and it's not! HE’S not!

I lived under that belief. That false belief. INTERNALLY.

For decades!

Now i am free.

First time in my LIFE (because before J.,  it was “I NEED” this one or I “NEED” that one…

I have put in hard work:  physical, financial, emotional, everything! And I am there. I may waffle but I am there.

I KNEW I've supported myself etc

(and even him, for that matter!)

But INTERNALLY - i never GOT IT.

Now i DO!  !!!!

I don't fucking need J.!

I can do anythefuckthing I want!

get laid

date

travel

retire in 3 ½ years

get remarried

but i never believed it in my HEART!

Until yesterday! YESTERDAY - it finally REACHED ME – I cried in front of the financial person - and last night a little again- it has FINALLY reached me!!!!!!!!!!!

Any the fuck thing I WANT!

(I am not the type to “go out and get laid” lol I’m just making a point)

I woke up with more health than not today; I am a very lucky person.

What will I DO with this day: Enjoy. Smile. Not stress. Be great to those children (as usual).

Deep happy clean breath just came. Oh.

BECAUSE on Nov 9 I decided to lthe ive law of attraction as if J were definitiely coming back, to do that til summer,

it has wound up freeing me

to think - IF I WOULD EVEN want him - i HAD TO believe he will want to come back in order to get to that, it turns out.

to think - IF I WOULD EVEN want him - i HAD TO believe he will want to come back in order to get to that it turns out

well

yesterday,

finding out I'm much better off than I even thought THE VERY DAY BEFORE -

finding that out,

suddenly turned everything around!

and i REALIZED

i finally REALIZED

what the dr has been trying to say for so long

and you who comment to me

and M. and  A. and - EVERYONE

I. Do. NOT. Need. J.

I KNEW i've supported myself etc

(and him)

but INTERNALLY - i never GOT IT.

now i DO!

I don't fucking need J!

i can do anythefuckthing i want!

I am alive and I can live.

And –

I can DO THINGS that are fun. Piano/ French/ dance. Omg I am so grateful.

--
And furthermore:
 
I am a noble person.
And if anyone (J. included) doesn't want me, fine.

*I* want me.
And God wants me.
And some people want me.

Amen.
--

I love you if you are reading this.

And I want YOU to have hope for YOU if are reading this.

IT IS TRUE!!!!!!