Ok. So. Here it the fuck IS

I am so far down.

FINALLY got off butt and started cleaning up my act.
So just since then this very afternoon

-- Just got call from outside cleaner. Way behind on bill.
Haven't paid any of May's bills either.
House pigsty.
Every day putting immediate emotional need before what has to be done. Except for students, which I do, and for mother as is necessary.
And working on weight yes.
But house needs million things.

--J. was at mother's doing her pills. I am very grateful for that. But how come he can do that but never see me although said wants to?
     About J - I THINK - as did my dr. that it is not aobut ME, but about how he FEELS about SELF around me (or married to anyone probably, at this point).
     Then again, I know what I WISH I'd done differently. So much. So much.
     Back on the other hand, I did what could with what I knew then.

-- Did pay off mortgage finally, after big mistake when thought it was paid last year in Nov but wasn't.
     But HAVE paid it.
     Neighborhood changing. Cheap neighborhood. And I should leave. But never even finished making it good. And worth so little. And took money out (for J years ago). Have been so bad with money.
     On the other hand, I do own it, and that is better than not, and it isn't like there is gunfire on the streets.

-- Tv is breaking. I don't want to deal with it. And no others because floor guys cut cables and J never fixed and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.
    On the other hand, that's why there are handymen. Right? And maybe I should take a loan, so J. can't get money I NEED to fix this place. I wanted to say fucking place. But it is my home. Trying to be more positive.

-- And, oh God, found mouse turds in the kitchen. Fuck. My own fault. And what if they are nested in cellar with piles of old mildewy clothes....
   Again, clean and get handyman. Is doable.
   But reminds me of the time before married when was so desperate about these things. Oh God, am I just all the way back there?
   Then again, nothing to do but face or deny. I shall face and move forward.

Maybe my changes - my story - will be an inspiration to someone else... I hope so.

God, Universe, help me. I believe You are.
Amen.