Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Feelings Work

I feel: Perturbed. Disturbed. Scared a lot. Of my own inabilities to live, to keep self healthy, to live well. But also hopeful. Because the spiritual work is helping me. Today. Helping me know that I cannot control everything! And that helps, actually. I am not in an iron lung; even some people who are, still have quality of life. I am not a prisoner of any kind. I DO have abilities. The worst thing RIGHT NOW would be that L. and I are not together and I'm either alone for a while or have some trouble finding someone else, and my house is a mess when the dr. comes, and I'm some more days behind on things. None of that is comfortable! But - will anyone die because of any of it? No. Perspective, Self. Get a perspective! You are not here alone and dirt-poor suffering the effects of chemo, with no friends, no more health insurance, and a war taking place right out on your street!// Take a damn walk tomorrow at work-break time! I do have genuine eye fears AND eye surgery fears. But right now - I can see! This moment is all we have. I do see a great eye doctor, and take my drops, and will make the best decisions I can; that's all I can do. And again, right now, I have eyesight (and very well may always anyway!). I think it is because: Still not eating enough greens! Or enough fresh veggies, like salads. And too much white or whitish (which is white also) flour. And sugar. And not enough prayer and meditation. Okay then, I know what I have to do. So, Next Time I'll Do Differently: Eat the greens and not floury sugary things. And walk a little each day. Outside or on the treadmill. It doesn't matter - it's not for fun; it's for mental (and physical as a byproduct) health! 5 Good Things about Me: 1. I'm open 2. I listen 3. I share 4. I am self-aware 5. I am sensuous. I know that L. would rather if I weren't sexual, but I am sexual as well as sensuous, and *I * think that's a good thing!

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