I have done some really bad things now:(

Yesterday S told me that L had necked with a woman, W, in April, when I was supposedly dating him exclusively and I was in London, where L was writing me lovely emails daily and even recording his voice for me and sending it... Then I got a phone card and we were even talking every day. If this were true, it would mean we had only had at the most, FIVE WEEKS of honesty. I felt devastated. I checked and double checked and triple checked. Asked for evidence... It seemed abundantly clear. I called L, whom I had decided I'd see lightly now and then while seeing others... and HE was kind of actually hoping we COULD become exclusive again someday but was only worried about his sexual stuff and its impact on me... I called him and said I really could not speak to him anymore; this one was too much. Bigger than all the others put together, as it was really cheating. He went crazy. Denied it denied denied it. What followed was hours of hours of horribleness. And VERY VERY LITTLE sleep (with nightmares). I must be as sick as he is, or worse. With my own insecurity and inability to handle feelings of rejection. Here are the very bad things I did. I don't expect forgiveness; I cannot even forgive myself. I just need to confess them anyway. 1. I spewed hateful things on the phone// 2. I sent email after email after email. Saying almost the most hateful, hurtful things I could think of.// 3. I used low-class and vile language in both. // And now it gets worse. 4. I talked against him to others. Including a friend of his whom it turns out does NOT know much of the history. Just likes him. I shared with this friend, a Jewish man, that L. had said anti-semetic things last night. Because I found that repulsive of L. And yet he calls himself a liberal.... But I should NOT have done that. AND to a woman in facebok MESSAGING; I know she's on his dating site page as like a little reference, and so I was so confused and didn't know WHAT to believe, so I messaged her and asked if she knew him well, why she didn't continue seeing him but did stay as a reference... Together we came to the conclusion that he is a commitment-phobe. It turns out she'd only met him once, and felt him too "quirky." But thought him trustworthy, and since, as a friend. Now I helped change that. I HAD NO RIGHT to do this. Either of these (I have apologized today and told them it was my fault and I was sorry and I have defriended myself form them). Still, I should NOT have done that. // AND THE WORST OF ALL: 5. I. Actually. Finally. Did. What S. had asked me to do at the end of November and I swore to L. I never would. And to myself. But I broke that: I sent S. excerpts and in 2 cases entire forwards from L's emails to me. (He wanted to see the violent language and the anti-semetic language). I am NOT looking for kind words here! I have done bad things and one especially horrible thing. THE ONLY GOOD NEWS IS: I have hit bottom. I have gained not lost like 8 pounds in this past month. I have only slept in the bed one night and a half out of the last week and a half. I have not been meditating. I have not been eating vegetables. I have become an untrustworthy, vicious, spewing scum. So today I apologized to all, including L. I give myself to the innocent children in my class. And then I'll go to the dreaded meeting. And then I'll help my mother, whom I actually made cry yesterday because I am so selfish and overwrought and "poor me poor me." I have lost literally 10's of thousands I CANNOT afford to lose of dollars recently because of my laziness and avoidance. Now I'll take care of the kids and my mother and have no time or energy to analyze my own navel and feelings. ANd that's the least I deserve. Anyone who dumps me, including you, I understand it! AT least I have hit dizzy, self-loathing, on my knees bottom Maybe from here I can become of some use to others.