I don't know...

Had this great talk with L. yesterday. He was asking me about my therapy appointment Wednesday. I told him (it’s ok to tell some things). He wanted, really, I think, to know, if there’s hope for US. All but two times recently, on phone, he has said he loves me. All times very caring, very sweet, very dear. Dr. thinks that the dishonesty things, which bother me so much, are nothings really. He thinks the “disturbance” as he calls it, what I refer to as the mental illness thing, is much more significant; and that I’m “hooking” on the other things instead. I hear that. I have registered it. (I know, because it feels bad lol). BUT I DON’T see the dishonesties as nothings. After birthday fiasco, I ASKED is there ANTHING else – ANY OTHER POSSIBILITY of ANTHING that COULD upset me – any OTHER DISHONESTY – This is amnesty night. Tell me now. He actually mentioned two women with whom he talks on the phone now and then! I said, “Stop. I don’t care that you have friends; you know that. I’m talking about things like this” (the birthday). He said no no no. But talking on the phone with a former girlfriend or lover or date or whatever she was, and planning to meet for a walk in the park, and meeting and walking, all this more than once, and then on those nights, telling me about day but leaving that out purposely because it “might cause a problem,” REALLY bothers me! And this P.C. person. As I recall, L. did tell me he was accompanying her to a doctor appointment and they dutch-treat shared a meal. But neglected to mention that they’d dated for two years, had sex for one, and she’s been married the whole time! He'd always told me he "dated her a while back but she's married now." That's all. And even said WE might go there for Christmas! Meanwhile, the truth is, her husband and I would be sitting there not knowing the truth! All of that matters to me! All of it. And the stupid nothing party. It was a little thing; he’s been to them before; I’ve just said, “Have fun!” Why keep that one a secret? Here's why: because I was off the next day and he wasn’t; he was afraid I’d want to come; didn’t want to hurt my feelings by letting me know I couldn’t (and I believe didn't want to deal with the possible hassle of me wanting to come anyway). So just didn’t tell me. Went to it for like 20 minutes. Told me he was home doing lesson plans. I GET that the party was no big deal. But it might not have caused us any discomfort. And if it had, so what? Better THAT than a lie. Furthermore, WHY would it have possibly caused us some discomfort? BECAUSE I knew I felt I wasn’t any longer being treated as important enough to him anyway! And then – to write me a LIST of who was there! – it was VERY small – he named 4 of the people and left off the other one – a female name. I know it is not a “someone” to him. I hadn’t asked him who was there – it could have been 5 people or 65 people – I didn’t even think of it one way or the other! Why did he send that list (as proof of what a nothing the party was) and leave off that name! Oy! Another, “What she doesn’t need to know won’t hurt her.” Another thing that makes me feel sort of throwaway. Then of course, there was the birthday fiasco. Another not- date-like-girlfriend – I know that! But why choose that free ticket to the great show, with a friend - former date- , over ME. When I TOO would have been happy to take him to that show. AND he paid for their dinner anyway! With me *I * would have paid. Is it that he just NEEDS to be – to feel – “free?” It is that he really hasn’t a clue about relationships? Is it a big fat nothing and I’m just making something out of it, as my dr. seems to feel? But we have the six things! : Breaking my confidence to Jo in the early days, and I just found out these weeks. Walks with L and not telling me. The day out with P, about which he did tell me, but I believe neglected to ever let me know they’d been lovers (and all while she’s married no less). Then the birthday fiasco. And the ensuing promise for honesty. And AFTER THAT the party bull. This is SICK: Yesterday I was looking at jewelry online. I love to look at jewelry – that’s fine. And I was thinking, If I were with L at Christmas, what would he/might he buy me? He HAS talked about it… But this was a FANTASY! Was it just a DESIRE to be WITH someone? I also had visions – and a PLAN although I didn’t follow through on it – to spend time knitting and YES make him that sweater (I have the yarn and the pattern because I bought it all before the problems). LIke maybe this could be a relationship after all - - - What the hell was that? A DESIRE for this relationship to be something it’s not? I don’t know! Last Feb, when I met L, I was not looking for “a relationship.” I think I have changed and I DO want one. But I’m also tired, and scared, and older, and thinking Should I just…” But that would be to SETTLE. That CAN’T be good! I just don’t know. I just don’t know what to do. I know he loves me. And I have love for him. But: There are the sex problems and how disappointed and horny AND rejected and undesirable I wind up feeling. And the differences in beliefs and feelings about honesty. And the little mental illness area. I don’t know what to do : (