My Good Event + A Hard Things (Journal)

I drove to the Met (Metropolitan Museum of Art, in Manhattan)! By myself! And home too! And by that, I stepped outside my comfort zone, and my comfort zone expanded. Yay! Meanwhile, I did meet L. there. That was the plan. We'd had a VERY good talk this morning. And he was open and honest and does not want to lose me... Should we try...I still wasn't sure...BUT - meeting him at the Met seemed like - well, so positive. Like, I'd feel good about MYSELF again - dressed up etc. Plus WE'D have a nice time TOGETHER: that would be good for both of us. Plus I'D have a nice time - after 2 weeks of ick ick ick! On the way, I heard from S. He had some very very negative things to say about L. I got frightened... By the time I saw L, I didn't feel quite as affectionate as usual. Then we hugged. Oh, I liked that. Then, just as I was thinking I should go home, he started touching me. And he'd already been kissing me so nicely. In that special way he has of touching. Light touching lymphatic on my back, oh so nice. I was melting. Practically swooning right there at the museum. But lunch, and more of the day...I didn't feel "it." Finally, in one of the galleries, he said, "Oh - would you give me a little scratchy on the back of my neck?" And for the first time - I REALLY didn't want to! I said, "L, can we leave this room for a minute please?" He said, "Well not in the middle of the exhibit." There was no reason for that! Of course we can walk of the room and back in! I said, "Yes, now." "Now?" "I can't breathe." Finally we did. We stood in a corner in a little hallway and tears came out of me. I said, "I'm sorry. I want to go home." He said, "What? Honey. Oh!" ... ... ...Finally I decided to try some more. We had a very nice time through the George Bellows exhibit. Then I was picturing coming home and ordering Dominoes vegan spinach pizza, even though the plan had been for me to sleep at L's. I was more interested in watching tv alone with pizza! THAT was telling. But I thought - we'll go out to dinner. It'll be nice. I'll just have to be sure to not have wine. Or *I * can but *he * can't as HE'LL drive us back to his house... But the thought of me driving an hour home tomorrow - it was overwhelming. I felt dark and sad about even being there. I just didn't "feel it." I realized. This really is over. Anyway, he wasn't really TAKING me to dinner. We went to the stupid cafeteria! Oy. I only had water. He'd also had turkey for lunch - the first time since April. No longer vegetarian, I guess. Anyway, I realized I have to stop seeing him. Not in a fight. But nicely. Then as I was driving to drop him off where he was going, I didn't even like his impatience...It just isn't there. I will miss him. I do have love for him. But it can't work. I have not broken up with someone in decades. Don't know how. Will do it nicely, and kindly, when he gets home and calls me. It is what it should be: (