Heavy Amissions - and then, now, It Is Time to LIVE -

I have lived like an old old woman.
In fact, may old old women have LIVED more than I in the day!



My God, at one point in my 20's, I felt so overwhelmed, that I actually looked at husband's grandmother and WISHED to live like she.
So sick!
She was CRIPPLED.
I'm not saying I wanted to be crippled - no!
BUT -
she spent her days, living in her daughter's home (my mother-in-law). Stitching WHILE SHE STILL COULD. Watching tv. Game shows.
I envied her lack of responsibility.
She was paid for (her life).
She sat around watching tv.
She cooked.
She was loved.
She had family.
She did not have to work.
---But omg - the TRUTH is: she was crippled in an accident in which her husband was killed! She was old. She was in pain. The active part of her life was gone...
Yes she was cared for...
But I was in my TWENTIES! THIS is what I envied? Aspired to?

When I was in the hospital for 10 days with pneumonia, I watched tv and crocheted and waited.

I do not want to live that way anymore.

I finally WANT to live.

I'm not pretending that I'm all better now, since my kind of epiphany the night before last. But I AM better somewhat!
I WANT to live.
And the TRUTH is - that in order to do so,
I'll HAVE TO
have more energy
and
do the daily things as needed and take the time off on the legitimate time off. Weekends, vacations,...

More later. Hard to keep the thoughts.
But good.
Also, too much typing (so fast - can't help it) ratchets up my breathing...

--

Also, as one who has always felt invisible,
I have to admit
that I see now
that
I have felt like NO IMPACT.
If I am in work or not in work, who would care... who would even notice
I ca "start over" at any time and since I am invisible, I have no history with anyone.
Omg! This has cost!
Well, I cannot punish myself for those feelings and what they have cost me. Right up until today.
I can only be very very grateful - and I am - very very - for this insight NOW!

More later as it comes.
Thank God.

--

And it's high time I finally realize that
I OWE it to WORK to be healthy too.
It is good for ME also.
MUCH less to worry about.
And the joy of HELPING OTHERS.
And the nice feelings of BEING A WORKER AMONG WORKERS.
And gives me SOMETHING TO DO
And a PURPOSE
And the ability to SUPPORT MYSELF
And HELP PLAN FOR MY OWN FUTURE.
And they do PAY ME AND COUNT ON ME.

I DO exist. People DO notice. I DO matter. I CAN cause discomfort as much as comfort. And must choose the latter.

Wow. Formerly I would ONLY have put this sort of thing in a private notebook.
Here I am putting it on a blog on the worldwide web. Wow.

In order to build my energy:
Eat carefully. Like when I chose broccoli over Dunkin' Donuts this am.
Exercise as soon as am better enough to. Even walking and resistance bands. Both of which I love. DAILY. "Worry" about - well not worry but deal with - dark cold when is dark and cold. Have 6 months before then! Half a YEAR!

More later...

--

I have also been kind of hypochondriacal in earlier days.
And then I tried to overcome that tendency but went too far, I think, kind of always assuming it is all psychological.
Followed by realizing that wasn't right either,
which I fear has led me to listen to the over-worriers as well.

NOW - I FINALLY realize - just take care of self. And when not well, see a doctor. Yes co-pay is expensive, but you can afford! If have to, you give up magazines or something for goodness sake! So, NOTE TO SELF: DON'T FOLLOW OWN JUDGMENT ABOUT ILL! IT IS NOT GOOD!

*******I admit all these things, not just to purge, which I could do in a Microsoft Word document, but HERE, so that MAYBE SOMEONE will be helped by it.

I am a good person. I am not a failure. But I am old to be just learning these things. 58 years old! But better late than never is true for sure! And maybe YOU are reading this now, and are younger (or not), and it will give you hope.
Because I am here to tell you, just a couple of years ago, I wanted to die. Prayed to God to please let me die.
And I am NOWHERE NEAR THERE now.
I did sink twice this year, but for only part of a day, and not nearly so deeply.
Things DO change.
WE DO change.
MY LIFE is NOT "where I want it." In that I am not in a loving male-female partnership like marriage; not part of that kind of a family, in-laws etc., not fit or thin enough (talking health not bikini here); house tiny as it needs need some serious work (structural not talking about curtains here); money issues; mother so ill; wish were doing MORE for her; not enough energy; have fallen behind in all; ... ... ... AND YET *I* FEEL GREAT!
Hopeful!
Happy to be alive THIS DAY!
ENJOYING my birds, a hot cup of tea, art on computer (looking at it), grateful for friendships...
So there is DEFINITELY hope for YOU!!!!!!!

more later, mabye, probably

--

I am getting some nice feedback from principal and parents now. While I am DEEPLY GRATEFUL that I was proactive and didn't hide this time (for once),
I realize how much it means to me. And it's GOOD that I am so easy to be made to feel better. But it is BAD that I care so much what others think of me...

to be cont...

--

--

I have always looked as OTHERS as okay.
I'm only realizing TODAY how much this costs me!
Like A.
Yes, he has some good IDEAS. And in THAT way, I can learn some ideas things fro mhim.
But is HE so okay?
I mean, he is married but they live separately 5 days most weeks; now and then more. They have sex once a week. If something social comes up or a death or something, they will go together. M - F. she doesn't even return his texts or calls. On weekends, when together, he sits alone in one room, with tv and fb, while she is in another room on computer working.
he brings her meals to her there.
He is on fb early am, all day including at work, and until middle of night, between 11;50 pm and 2:30 am depending.
he is politically pushy.
Sex-OBSESSED. Really. And not a yong man.
Lonely.
Determined to stay married for life.
Would love a lover.
THIS is so healthy? NO!
Why do i always ASSUME the OTHER person - lover, friend, co-worker, neighbor.... is FINE and living the RIGHT life,and *I'M* a loser who should be more like them???? Well, I think I KNOW the WHY. (mother's illness/ upbringing). But it's time to STOP that.
Period.
Wow.

more later i think

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I must help others WITHOUT giving up my down time. I am a needer OF DOWN TIME! WITHOUT IT, MY BODY FINDS IT FOR ME! BY GETTING SICK! !!!!!!