1. bath this am
2. and hot
3. and bubbly
4. and soap
5. and warm towel
6. grateful that ave birds fresh water
7. and fresh foods
8. and found their dispenser food and water givers last night
9. VERY VERY GRATEFUL that it turns out I DO want to live
10. And that I can breathe at all (Because this has been bad)
11. I was a very sick person in some ways. When I THINK now – of how DEPENDENT I was on J! How SCARY everything was to me. I mean, not only tunnels. And bridges. But – stamp machines – Panera’s. My book group in that woman’s house. All the things to which he drove me. I couldn’t do dry cleaners anymore. I was a phobic! I have finally finally at this late age/stage finally realized – omg – stores are just stores. Doctors are just here to help, doing their jobs. London helped. Airport people, hotel people, al the arrangements on the phone… I am NOT a defective scared
12. That I called the principal. Previously I would have avoided out of fear. This was relieving. I am grateful for that change in my that gave some relief rather than hiding.
13. The dr. I saw today.
14. The prescriptions. When one needs them, one needs them.
15. J. he actually went to the yarn store for me today and called me FROM there to talk about colors. And dropped off the pretty yarn for me. And paid for it.
16. That I thanked him so much and told him how much joy the tulips were bringing me.
17. And he said how he’d noticed them too. And, “You’re welcome.” Here they are. (There are a few more on other side, fewer, too).
18. That I am a person who is able to drive myself to the dr.
19. That I did not have a long wait.
20. That it is in a convenient-to-me place
21. That A is out tonight. That will be good for me to have a night without (online communication with him)
22. That someone I love and respect from online (female) just IMed and asked for my address
23. That the birds seem so happy and well and fie and well-adjusted.
24. That they have never squawked once.
25. Or seemed lethargic or anything like that at all.
26. I just this minute got invited to a b’day party.
27. It is out at a place, and inconvenient for me to get to. BUT is a Saturday, so there is a chance. I am grateful to have gotten invited.
28. Also, A. might be there. And it would be very good for me to not give a flying you-know-what what he thinks of me. Or my fat…
29. Every minutes I am not worried and fearful. I am so often, that I am grateful for every one when I am not!
30. And less now than before. (more minutes not)
31. They fears are not always as big or as long-lasting.
32. To be honest, I do have some little work worries right now. And some little house and money worries. BUT I am so very very grateful that they are less and that I DO believe they will become lesser still!
33. That in the night, coughing and dizzy and throwing up a little and very afraid, with friend online warning me about how serious this could be…, I actually wrote – I have it here right in front of me right now – “God help me. I want to live. Please let me live.” I am so glad that I wrote that.
34. And of course that I felt it!
35. And I also wrote (and felt): “If I live through this, I will value my life! Eat well. Lose the weight. Live EACH day. Not obsess about A or any man.” Omg!
36. And “APPRECIATE the days, the years.
37. Piano
38. Birds
39. House
40. Job
41. Car
42. FRIENDS
43. mother
44. J
45. All loved ones”
46. And this too! “Wow. I really DO appreciate my life.”
47. And that when so scared, I did write something for J in case I like, died, or something. But that it wasn’t an “I love you forever” note, which I thought would be selfish and make him think of ME. It was more REALLY a note to help HIM. I THINK I was smart about it!
48. And – I got things ready for the birds. Just in case.
49. And asked to take to somewhere safe. Phew.
50. And – that I am now making contingency plans for them.
51. Although I EXPECT to live for a long long time.
52. And WANT to too.
53. And then, and this is embarrassing to share, but so is much of what I write here … I wrote this. I see it now: “Dear Self, If you DO make it: My life IS worth living! Just as it is even! Yay! There IS something in each day to be cherished! Oh, thank you, God! And may I never ever forget! Amen
54. And I wrote under it: “It’s like an epiphany. I’m not angry at myself anymore. I want to massage my own skin. Stretch my muscles. Love and cherish my body!”
55. And this morning I had written (before falling back asleep, like middle of night I think – all of these were in bed) – “when you’re worried aobut your healthy, this other stuff doesn’t matter so much. Not even J. wow. HUGE lesson. HUGE.”
56. That I actually came to the point, although I love him very much and do wish and hope we can get back one day, I actually came to feel that my own breath is more important to me than J. IT’S ABOUT TIME!
57. And that I wrote to M
58. And she did plans for me
59. And I asked her to remind me if I ever get depressed again, that I realized I DO appreciate my life! I REALIZED that last night! I FELT it maybe for the first time!!______
60. And that I KIND OF don’t care that I am a dorky little wuss and anyone who reads this can know it. I am who I am! Thank God for that feeling.
61. I am grateful that I am grateful that I woke up today.
62. People who plant trees
63. Frogs
64. Beees
65. The sun and how it felt on me in car while driving to the dr today
66. The warmer weather. So much better for me.
67. And J. mentioning that if over 60 (in his works) I should sit in the backyard… so nice
68. That I take good care of my birds
69. I’m watching them eat together right now.
70. That I can see
71. That I can breathe.
72. That I can hear
73. That I have vegetables in this hose right now. Even organic ones.
74. And might even have great broccoli in garlic sauce for dinner
75. TV. For now. It helps me.
76. That I will send something to Jo for her upcoming b’day.
77. Cell phone
78. Computer (laptop)
79. Bird Talk magazine. All of which I brought to the dr’s office
80. Allergist appointment coming up.
81. Putting my own health first. Finally. May I continue to so it doesn’t have to get to these points again. : )
82. Summer is even coming.
83. And in summer, I can walk in the aquaduct
84. Or at least the park down the street
85. Or the one to which I drive
86. And at the little beach by that park too.
87. And swim in the sound, oh thank God.
88. I am going to meditate. 2 x a day for 5 minutes each time starting today.
89. I will build up time afterward.
90. I am grateful that I’ve seen Broadway shows
91. And the works of art at the Tate Museum of Modern Art in London.
92. And that when I had first come home last year, I’d shared with L my notes from there and he’d sat at his computer and we went through some of them. And discussed. That was so nice.
93. That I know Mindfulness Meditation
94. And Reiki
95. That I DO have the tools to eat well and healthfully and lose weight. I have a refrigerator
96. And a stove
97. And an oven
98. And a microwave
99. And a freezer
100. And pots
101. And pans
102. And dishes
103. And forks
104. And knives
105. And spoons
106. And spatulas
107. And baking pans
108. And a Chinese delivery place right at the corner
109. And two convenient health food stores
110. And a supermarket with not bad prices, right nearby!
111. And prayer
112. And OA available
113. And ww today
114. And enough money for all of the above
Thank you, God
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