Important Note to Self:
Is it really any different?
Yes you miss J. And have no romantic love in your life no commitment with a guy...
But look at the realities:
You are upset that can't keep up with stuff. Bills, mother's bills, her health, shopping, cooing, cleaning, laundry, garbage,... need new heat system, ... car, flat tier today,...
Yes J did a lot of that. But weren't you always upset that needed things he wasn't doing? Yes.
So not that different.
Yes it was much much easier and nicer having J's love when mother sick and self sick - and home from work to eat dinner together some of the times.
But so many times hard. and not good. and not normal. and not doing fun things. and him not normal and contributing...
it wasn't all so good. remember.
and it doesn't matter anyway.
You "wish to be dead." Sure. Okay. But not going to kill self. So alive. So want to be alive and sick and depressed and in decrepit house falling apart and fat and lonely and hopeless and getting worse and worse? And spending all time sitting on butt and letting things pile up?
Or want to be alive and in good shape and maybe doing some happy things even.
Get off butt. Do. Little by little. Many minutes a day. That's all. Already started. Now just continue.
And God, please help me. Amen.
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