Upon awakening, the first words that fall from my mouth - really - I don't control them, they come out - are, "Oh fuck." Followed by, "God help me. God help me."
I am so sad.
So sad about J. Still? Again?
That I didn't appreciate and shower him with love.
That I was unable to LIVE. To BE. To EXIST as a PERSON, a WOMAN. Functioning.... Not hiding out and waiting...
That I needed him so desperately.
I am not comfortable in my own skin.
I always was, and felt, sexy, when young. Just took it for granted.
Now do not feel sexy, or pretty, or even comfortable in own skin:(
I am so desperate that I actually broke my own veganism. I SO do not want to admit that!:(
I miss J.
I miss doggie.
I don't believe I can do the things that need doing.
I don't see much to live for.
Well, giving. Yes. Giving to the children is nice.
And piano. Making music (not listening to music, but making it) is nice.
Other than that, I just want to sleep:(
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