My 100 Gratitudes Today

 See 80 through 84!

1.    I am alive

2.    I got through it

3.    EJ

4.    I am healthy

5.    I am here

6.    I am even happy. Enough.

So now it is Sunday. Here we are:

 1. I can see.

  2. All my conferences were good to fabulous.  I was very very busy Friday. But in a good way. Up early. 2 conferences then taught all morning then meeting through lunch then 2 more conferences then store then work party then supermarket then mother’s. But they were positive things.

4.    ***Thursday, when I went to pay my mother’s aides, my mother practically jumped up and down saying, “I love you so much!” Cheerfully. Happily. Not a needy thing. It was beautiful to my heart, and I am so grateful that I got to experience that.

5.    And that she did too.

6.    And that as much as I wish I were doing more for her, at least I do this much.

7.    And she knows I will continue to all of her life.

8.    Speaking of jumping, my class has like a traveling road show this year! Every Fri we go to a different classroom and perform something choral reading.  #1. It is so fun for them

9.    #2. It SO raises the level of their reading

10.                  #3. This Friday, on the way back, they were so excited we couldn’t contain it. So we literally stopped and jumped for joy in the hall. That was cool.

11.                  One of my students was with her mother somewhere else one day last week, and was extremely stressed. Started hyperventilating. Mother took her to girls’ room to help her calm down. 7 year-old child said, “I’ll try the breathing Ms___ (me) taught me.” Calmed down within like a minute. That is SO gratifying!

12.                  Sharing vegan recipes as people ask.

13.                  Lambs.

14.                  The one I my lap for so long that afternoon… : )

15.                  Organic veggie broth

16.                  Vegetables

17.                  I shall cook today

18.                  My *principal * just shared a beautiful minestrone recipe with me on fb! Nice.

19.                  I am nervous and lonely – but – I am ok. I am ok.

20.                  Music

21.                  That the kids beg for piano

22.                  That I comply.

23.                  We shall sing together more too.

24.                  The people who shoveled my snow. Must scrimp where can and splurge where must…

25.                  I slept.

26.                  I have interesting dreams.

27.                  I will do laundry today.

28.                  Enough is enough.

29.                  M’s love for me.

30.                  MA’s too

31.                  I played Chopin beautifully yesterday.

32.                  And Mendelssohn not too badly

33.                  Remembering how I used to eat when I was young and thin and energetic.

34.                  And walking too.

35.                  I was not vegan or vegetarian. I used to have 2 slices of whole wheat very thin (Arnold or Pepperidge Farm) with hot tea with sugar and DROPS of milk for breakfast.  Lettuce and green beans with Italian dressing lite for lunch. OR a sandwich of 2 very thin slices of salami on 2 very thin bread and a plum for lunch. 2 – 3 ounces of meat, a vegetable, salad and a roll for dinner. Sometimes one small jello or pudding or 1 piece of fruit for dessert. Wow. That is NOT a lot of food. And I was fine!

36.                  I feel now, that I WILL get through my cataract surgeries. Even if I have to pay someone to be here with me during the week after the surgery on my “better” eye when I won’t really be able to see…

37.                  Coffee. It helps my mood. My emotions.

38.                  Nice long chatty email from L this am.

39.                  And that I wrote back a good long chatty one too.

40.                  I am who I am. I seem to be accepting that more now.

41.                  Like, I have a lot going on in my mind. But in another way, I am what some people might consider boring. Like, I love to set and read. And play piano. And knit or crochet or do crewel work or needlepoint with tv. I like quiet dinners. I like to cook. I love love love love love to walk. Almost more than anything. I like to EXPERIENCE the moment. Like the few times a year I get a pedicure, I start out reading a magazine or something. But then I close it and just experience. No cell phone and magazine and chat with person next to me frenetic activity during for me! I am probably too quiet. And then too talkative… Oh well.

42.                  ***There is no reason I won’t be lovable. As I lose my dependencies, I WILL BE lovable.  I am a decent human being. And I give to children. And I try to not hurt animals. (I say try because tires, film, etc. everything seems to use animal products… I do all I can do). I help my mother. I am forgiving. Very. I am excellent at “starting over.” I have original ideas. And I am smart. And irl I am always told that I am very funny. I play classical piano. I cook. I am a teacher. An excellent one. In one of the best districts in the world. I can carry a tune. I am very affectionate. I am sexual. I have a nice smie and warm eyes. I pay my own way in life. I am compassionate. I can kick up my heels and have fun. I conquer my fears.  I am pretty enough. I am pretty open-minded. I am kind of artistic. Come on, that’s not enough to be lovable? I think it IS!

43.                  Breathing in bed before sleep last night, calming down, meditation. Phew. Thrilled that could finally do that.

44.                  The book, The Power

45.                  The fiction book I have to read today (due Tuesday)

46.                  The Golden Girls reruns. Yes, really. They kind of cheer me up.

47.                  My breath. Oh how I appreciate my breath. I remember struggling for it for so long.

48.                  Similar with my voice, as in, literally, ability to speak.

49.                  That I needlepointed that lily for the family of the child who died

50.                  That it turned out it is her favorite flower!

51.                  And that they gave me then, the gorgeous framed picture her grandmother had made – for HER!

52.                  Roseanne repeats. Yes, really. They cheer me up and get me going too.

53.                  Just gave tons of good recipes to colleague for his son, home from college, a vegan, and he and wife have no idea what to serve him! I feel good about that.

54.                  I have dumped S from my life. He is toxic. Phony. Damaging. Dangerous. I can’t tell you how many IMs are sent about him. MY job is to get over the feeling of hatred. But I shall. Meanwhile he is out of my life and I am glad about that!

55.                  Hope.

56.                  God.

57.                  I am praying for a colleague who wants to have a baby. It wasn’t the easiest thing for me to do as I am kind of jealous of her. But I am doing, with full heart.

58.                  Enough money

59.                  Gas in car

60.                  My iPad

61.                  The kids loving the word games

62.                  Especially POPWORDS (an app – my ONLY app, in fact: )

63.                  And that it’s free

64.                  Had healthy breakfast

65.                  Will get up and work very soon

66.                  Magazines

67.                  Vacation coming. I will not – CANNOT – let it be like last year’s December break of lying-around-depression. Or like summer of wishing virtually every day, to die. I WILL NOT!

68.    Laundry is in.

69.  Soon to make lentil soup and/or pasta fagioli with veg

70. Now I have 2^nd load laundry in.

71.

And a pot of lentil soup going, into which I’ve added some greens for extra health.

72.

And – a pot of stew – not Italian, more American – that I made up myself

73. Both are cooking now, which means if I do NOTHING ELSE all week (!) I can eat healthily.

74.    Towels are in now.

75.    Clothes for the week are done.

76.    And now, so as not to waste – new to me again, after years – I am making homemade tomato soup (never have before)

77.                  And a sort of a pasta fagioli but with some broccoli rabe thrown in for the greens

78.                  All lentil soup and stew are put away. Yay. Containers. Fridge. 5 lunches and 4 dinners. The pasta fagioli will be a fifth dinner and some a couple or few lunches or dinners for next weekend phew. Same with the tomato soup.

79.                  I am proud of me for all of this.

80.                  And – for – paying off my mortgage. You have to know. That 92 banks turned me down. I’ll say that again. 92 banks turned me down. Yup. And the reason I got the mortgage – alone – was because of 2 things. Former, Ji, had suggested the first: to ask for more than I need, lend it to him (legally) with a signed-with-a-lawyer document saying how much per month he would pay back for 5 years. He needed some cash, and I needed some monthly income to show up. So this helped. Still, no. Then, I did something I might not do today. I lied. I asked, and there was an allowance for unclaimed money (non-taxed) to be listed. So I made up a number – and PRETENED I was making 12,000 dollars a year teaching piano. I wasn’t! THAT put me just over the edge, because as it turned out, I was 11,000 short!

81.                  Mind you, although I got it, I really WAS short and it was very hard to meet those payments. But I never missed one and was never late on one.

82.                  On top of that, twice I had to take money out (J), extending my 15 year mortgage to 26 years!

83.                  But – I did it. *I *. DID. IT. The little house that needs work, is ALL MINE.  Through hard work (and one lie: (   I am very proud of me for this!

84.                  The trust he had for me, Ji, – and should have had, too. Do you know, that when we got divorced, long story doesn’t matter why for purposes here, but he signed papers at lawyer with me, that HOUSE would be in MY name (before I’d paid a penny) and MORTGAGE would be in HIS name. This was only for about a month, until I could get approval. But the lawyer was berserk over it! You CANNOT DO THIS, Ji!!!!!! Ji, calmly, confidently: “I know her. It will not be a problem.” He KNEW I would NEVER take advantage that way. And I am also PROUD OF THAT.

85.                  I can now put away a little for retirement years. If I live and J doesn’t take it (I think both should be ok).

86.                  I have a Master’s Degree. And I am proud of that too. I didn’t want to have to get one. The teaching laws changed and I had to. But I am glad now, that I do and proud that I did it.

87.                  Plus my school changed rules so I wound up finishing but they wouldn’t count it and so I had to take 9 more credits. And I did THAT too. I am proud of me for that as well.

88.                  MA and I and our talk today.

89.                  What I learned from it. (About how trivial some shit is, and about the fact that I am NOT invisible an DO matter to some people).

90.                  The smell of the fresh laundry.

91.                  Parsley. I love parsley

92.                  I will figure out something to do with the potatoes. By tonight.

93.                  I just ate broccoli. Wow. Just broccoli. Like in the old days when I used to eat normally. Lightly steamed, a little Earth Balance, a touch of salt. It was fabulous!

94.                  Water. I am always grateful for access to fresh, clean water.

95.                  That I washed towels

96.                  And that they are drying now.

97.                  That my problems really ARE problems of “the worried well.”

98.                  Facebook

99.                  My mommy: )

100.                  Telephones