The Day before Yesterday, and Even More Yesterday,

I felt
suicidal.
Like, it was quietly really becoming something to consider.
But that did scare me.
I didn't want to feel that way.
My friend A. reminded me - because I couldn't even think of it myself, that this is when i am to take a pill (prescription). I did. It kicked in.
A pill doesn't make the things better. But it gets you over the hump. I was sort of zonked. you could say I "lost" a night. But I lived. And it is not quite as bad this morning.
It is beyond, to me, that I can be so good at work and so bad at home and hate my life so much. I have not been reading my book "The Power." All I can seem to do is work and sleep. I was literally unable even to see my therapist yesterday. I know. I know. Most important time to. Literally couldn't.
Not sure what will do. Know some of the things to do but sometimes cannot. Not like, "Just try harder." Physically cannot.
kind of don't care if I live or die. Just don't want to suffer.
This should change. This must change.
I think I shall have to refine my diet further. My body and emotions are very sensitive to these things. I hate my day. Nothing to look forward to. Example today: conferences, teach all day, another conference, go pay my mother's people - it will be dark by then - and then home tired and depressed. I'm not planning that feeling, but it is how it's been every day...
I'm not asking for help here or comments. I just want to put the truth. That's all.

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Added later:
coffee helps
getting out helps
cooked greens helped
staying away from white flour helps
being with others helps
reading The Power helps
playing piano, although i can't imagine it now, helps
getting immersed in a book helps
nature helps
Reiki helps
mindfulness meditation helps
grats help

ok