My Truth Right Now Is that

every day
i go through one cycle of wanting to die
and one of wanting to live

and 2 x every week, it goes down a notch
so that the bad one is becoming more real

i have done things worong
i have avoided my dr like the plague
he has said call
i will call today

i read yesterday and went out a bit
and talked with friends
ate veggies had coffee

will do the same today
maybe will shower and read at library or bookstore, around people
will do for my mother
i will try
i promise

trigger finger (like trigger thumb but is a finger) is making typing and piano hard
but it is not raining and i can walk too
i do not feel the bad thing now
i will see if i can just enjoy or be ok a whole day without it

i do SO want to be a lot better by say, summer - so that if anyone is following this they will learn how to get better too
xo

**One thing I must do is
STOP LIVING IN THE FEAR OF THE FUTURE.
I used to live in fear of losing J. So I did.
Now I live in fear of my mother's death, and my own decrepitation. Both will come. Don't lose time now to them, and even hasten the latter...

New thought:
And what if - JUST FOR THIS ONE DAY - I don't talk about or think about IT. I just PRETEND I am happy and fine. Like I do at work. I think I'll try that today -

--

hours later:

took the real age test.
took it months ago.
a little bit younger now. (though still too old for my age).
just took a 30 minute walk.
felt so good aobut doin that.
came in to find out mother's aide won't be coming with us tomorrow. that makes it very very hard for me. but i will be gracious and try so hard to make it nice. oh God. i love my mother.  plus i need her love. i just am so shy about things to talk about. plus it is hard physically...  we will be fine. i will work it out.
thank God for everything. yes. yes.

and now:
aide has cancelled other plans... oh good. ok. even better. good.