None of it matters.
None of it matters.
Just because I have a hole in the pit of my stomach, does not mean the world is ending.
Thikn of how grateful I am that my carotid arteries are ok!

Calming.
That's calming.

Good.
The lost earring doesn't matter.
The writing the checks doesn't matter.

None of the fear is real.

Ok.

More as comes.

--

His misery all the time was not about me. It could not have been.

--

I have never been ok alone on my own. Never. But maybe I can be ok inside.

--

I'm remembering the scary drive home that night. Dark. Raining. Windshield troubles. Eye troubles. No visibility; couldn't even see lanes highway etc. Calling L back at his house to talk me through it while I cried.
And the time I couldn't get myself on the highway -  it looked crowded and I was having some sort of panic - I called but he was so busy with correcting or planning or something so I said must come back but will stay downstairs alone and wait it out (his "office" is upstairs).  And he called down when computer said road good enough...
And - the time when it got so late (above) was because I couldn't - leave. I kept agreeing to anything that would drag out the visit. Brunch with S and Jo, then a movie, then a meal... L. kept saying is getting dark let her go... I kept trying to drag it out - as if somehow that would have been good for something. Hm.
This is SUPPOSED to make me feel better. Ad in a way it does. Because those were not about J, so it is not all about him.
At the same time, it means I've ALWAYS been so lacking...
But - The Power: If you can jump on that horse of whatever bad feeling - and i n fact you have, then you can jump off it too...

--

Ok. A breath. Whatever it is, is. Okay. In all ways. Just is. No biggy. Ok.

One can't imagine what I go through -to do things - that regular people think are simple.
Fuck.
Ok. But maybe that is just my reality, that's all. Like someone autistic, some retarded, someone with Down's Syndrome, etc. This is just my reality. Just accept it and make the best of each day. Yes. Good. Good!
--

Ok. And my assets. I have assets. yes.
I am good to children.
I can play piano.
I am open-minded.
I am cultured.
I am down to earth
I don't have a lot of material wants
I am affectionate
I am smily
I am always called bubbly
and i am alays called funny
I am intelligent
I work
I own my own home
I am compassionate.
These are things a man would be be lucky to be with in a woman...
okay.

--

Maybe partly what's so bothersome is that I have been to those Christmases at J's family's. They are deadly. And yet still, he would rather do that than be with me.
But I must remember a few things:
1. It is about him trying to find himself.
2. Either he did love and adore me as he said and acted for so long, or he didn't, as he says now. Eigher he's right or wrong about it. It is what it is.
3. This is not forever either.
4. As for the jealousy of the other one who invites him only now that I'm out of hte picture and didn't invite us for years, I am being blamed for what is not mine! That is the truth, after all.

Ok. It all is what it is.

And it all would be a lot worse if i DID have Type II diabetes and clogged carotid artery.

--

I mean, do I expect different things. little Ji spends tons of time at computer to relax. And drawin and coloring too. She is differently abled, yes. But this is her reality. Maybe my reality is just - this way.... Then again, maybe I can improve it.