1.
Emailed L
2.
He emailed back
3.
We will chat on
the weekend
4.
Such interesting
dreams. So detailed.
5.
Again, each room
of a house in vivid detail. But yet a different one. I love that.
6.
Yesterday’s
conferences were fabulous.
7.
Weekend coming. I
am SO tired…
8.
As I walked out the
door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn’t leave my
bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison.”
― Nelson Mandela
― Nelson Mandela
9.
Now it is
Saturday, I am grateful that it is Saturday
10.
And the detailed
dreams last night. Wow!
11.
And that I slept
12.
And woke up
13.
I have wrapped Je
and Ji’s presents beautifully!
14.
Am pretty well
ready for later
15.
I have NOT been
looking forward to it but am SO GLAD now, that am going! Won’t be lonely while
there! That’s for sure.
16.
Good long talk
with MA this am.
17.
Long talk with L
was ok too.
18.
That I told
mother’s aides where I’ll be
19.
And gave mother
and her the phone numbers so mother can’t forget and panic.
20.
That Thanksgiving
worked out well.
21.
That I DO have
enough money.
22.
I. Just. Called.
J. To say hi. First time.
23.
He is on other
phone but WILL call back.
24.
And it felt –
good. Phew.
25.
That I am making a
scarf for little Je and for little Ji.
26.
They have too
much. Really. Imo. Like, each has a flat screen tv in their own bedroom. AND a
laptop in their own bedroom! (I STILL don’t have a flat screen tv in my HOUSE –
at all!). And now, after monkzillions of Chanukah gifts, M bought them each an
iPad today! *I * have one only because L bought it for me for Christmas last
year! But – a homemade scarf is a special little thing, and more love than
materialistic I think. So I’m glad am making.
27.
An that I think
they will go crazy for them. Different but similar yarns. VERY girlie – as they
are.
28.
And I didn’t think
I liked the FEEL at first but shortly after, came to love it! So – I am REALLY
enjoying DOING the knitting.
29.
It is Monday
already. My problems are really the problems of the worried well. I must KNOW
that.
30.
Clear carotid
arteries.
31.
Hope
32.
Opportunities
33.
Freedom
34.
Appreciating being
back home yesterday
35.
Broccoli
36.
Indian food
37.
Lentil soup
38.
All in fridge
right now. Yay.
39.
Will see my mother
tomorrow
40.
And chana saag.
Chickpeas AND spinach. This is a real gift to me.
41.
Water
42.
My dear birds.
43.
That I take care
of them.
44.
That I am honored
to do so.
45.
The concert last
night live stream.
46.
I feel better
(despite even when I’m down) NO LONGER PUTTING MY ENERGY INTO BEING OK ALONE
FOREVER. But into being ok alone. They are two different things. I don’t WANT
to be alone for the rest of my life. Putting energy into that is based on fear
AND will only serve to make it more likely to happen, by drawing it to me.
Putting my energy into just being ok, is different.
47.
And gives me hope.
48.
Chatting with A on
IM right now. Not alone in morning.
49.
Last night,
knowing I was part of that concert with so many others, including A and Le.
50.
That *I * told Le.
He appreciated seeing it. I’m glad I told him. He is a Yiddish scholar! And had
trained to be a rabbi.
51.
That I love
teaching. I didn’t in my 20’s. I do now. Thank God!
52.
That I am serious
about it
53.
While also trying
to keep it FUN for them. JOYFUL!
54.
That I can breathe
55.
And talk
56.
And 9 of my
fingers are working fine.
57.
And the other
should heal.
58.
Beautiful singing.
Like Susan Boyle.
59.
That I appreciate
female soloists.
60.
That I chatted
with Peter, Paul and Mary.
61.
That I do not have
autism. I am seeing on the today show this morning about the people who do.
62.
That I can walk.
63.
That I can read
64.
That I am in the
book course. So not like all alone while reading.
65.
Humor
66.
Laughter
67.
Children
68.
Coloring
69.
Books
70.
Food for the birds
71.
Tv
72.
Laptop
73.
iPad
74.
iPhone
75.
electricity
76.
lights
77.
forests
78.
woods
79.
dogs
80.
cats
81.
birds
82.
turtles
83.
fish
84.
fireplace
85.
mantle
86.
girls playing with
more building and thinking creative things than years ago. Even companies
catering to this
87.
that I am not MORE
spoiled lol
88.
plants
89.
oxygen
90.
trees
91.
that I have a car
92.
love
93.
compassion
94.
kindness
95.
conferences so far
have gone well
96.
most years most do…
can expect? Maybe?
97.
My mother’s
prayers
98.
My prayers
99.
Reiki
100. Thich Nhat Hanh
101. The lesson I learned yesterday. L has a mental illness and sometimes it shows more than others and I cannot deny it. I was driving yesterday and thinking, "Maybe I'll just let this friendship die its natural death. The craziness does get to me." Etc. etc. But when I got here there was a message from him and I didn't feel that way anymore. You see, in the morning he had been less than close and friendly on phone. Was distant. Rushed off almost rudely. And the message was an apology and explanation of what was going on. So that WHOLE THING in me was, in fact, about feelings of rejection. Oy. I need to get over feelings of jealousy and feelings of rejection! (And learn to live with them in the meantime).
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