I am grateful:
1. They took the garbage (it is still Jan 4). I heard the truck, and ran to the window and watched. They took it. Now because of my problem, I still will see that they took them all when I go out. Because one wasn’t the right kind for the day… but I did my best. And I’m assuming they did take it.
2. As O. says, “This is really fucked up.” And I know it is. But I’m admitting it, facing it, and working on it. And I’m grateful for that too.
3. Just “doing the next right thing” keeps me *happily * busy. It’s good. I’m *so * grateful for it.
4. Jan. 5 now. I just made several trips downstairs to take out the paper recycling.
5. I called first, because still often afraid have wrong day.
6. No more bags in the den or the back of the kitchen!
7. And – I really really *liked * the feeling of moving after a few times. Up and down the stairs, feeling my thigh muscles working, breathing in the fresh cool air…
8. That tells me I *am * ready to exercise in the mornings! Starting next Monday at the latest!
9. MA called. She talked her wonderful, lovely, trustworthy, long-term housekeeper into coming here to do my house if I want!
10. Unfortunately, I cannot afford it. Better for me to spend calories cleaning than money paying someone else to do it: ) But hey, it’s calories.
11. Plus it helps me like my little house better too.
12. Today I don’t go to classroom – I go to Ivy League University for a lecture
13. And – L (colleague) is driving me! Yay!
14. And – D (another colleague) and I, and hopefully L too, will have lunch together at a little restaurant.
15. And – I’ll bring my mother soup. Because she *loves * their food.
16. And – I told her last night, so she could have an extra day of happiness thinking about it (she will, believe me).
17. I just took a deep breath!
18. The horrible, disrespectful, hateful, and *dangerous * behavior of my students was only a dream! I woke up!
19. In fact, they were extra sweet and adorable yesterday.
20. And I’m insistent upon making their learning as fun as possible: )
21. I am not in a hospital.
22. I am able to breathe outside this winter.
23. I will remember, after those nightmares, to lower the thermostat at night!
24. I just refilled the humidifier.
25. The piano had stayed in tune greatly, for almost two years! Part of that is due to the piano
26. Part of it is due to the excellent tuner/technician
27. And part of it is due to my using the humidifier
28. And playing it more – because as he says, “Pianos, especially new ones, want to be played.”
29. The many many elegant things we did as I was growing up.
30. Like Radio City
31. Lincoln Center
32. Long to the floor dress parties
33. Elegant dinner parties
34. Christmas caroling to eh Christian neighbors
35. After sing-alongs in the house, all dressed up, me playing piano
36. And back home to goodies
37. Antique cups and saucers
38. And crystal plates
39. And other antique beautiful things
40. And cruise (not like the party cruises of today – much more elegant!)
41. And playing for professionals on grand piano
42. And not elegant but special – meeting the most famous race-horses and jockeys behind the scene on their farms
43. And dog shows with Dad
44. And that party he took me to with the doll-houses
45. And my piano lessons
46. And the something-mat – automat? Where we went in MYC for sandwiches – maybe called Horn and Hardart or something?
47. And Broadway shows
48. And drives in the country
49. And drives through the Christmas window displays on Fifth Avenue etc.
50. And my father taking me to a famous jewelry store known for the sterling – it began with a J. – something like Jenkins – to buy my mother sterling silver grape cutters for the dining room!
51. And him bringing me somewhere famous to help him pick out a gorgeous necklace for her
52. And I have that necklace now
53. And him bring me to John Wanamaker’s to pick out a Royal Doulton figurine for her.
54. And it is just gorgeous
55. And I have that now too
56. And them loving the way I made scrambles eggs (was not vegan at the time, of course)
57. And having *me * be in charge of making them for company (brunch company)
58. And I’m going to give these parts of this list to my mother, who feels so guilty about her illness, and feels that she was not a good mother : (
59. And playing “limp.”
60. And “picnics” on the living room floor.
61. I’m pretty secure at my job right now.
62. And I’m very very good at it, which is even more important (innocent children and all).
63. I’m nice enough to know that.
64. M loves me
65. MA loves me
66. ML loves me
67. O loves me
68. K loves me
69. My mother loves me
70. J loves me in a way
71. Our separation is not all my fault! He has problems too…
72. I have opened up to become more close with different people
73. I can skip my course today after tiring day. (You get one skip)
74. I can read my two books for school a lot this weekend
75. I have never been in a fire
76. I have brought my sponsor happiness
77. My Buddha necklace, from M.
78. My “reiki” ring
79. All “anchors”
80. That I can choose to quit ww if it’s bad for my food plan
81. Telephones
82. Hope. Hope. Hope.
83. I was able to cancel therapy yesterday because I had stomach cramps.
84. I am kind of bloated. Too much processed food. Good lesson to eat more fresh, real, whole food.
85. Forgive the expression, but I mean it quite reverently: Oh my God. I am breathless in a good way, having just read comments from JJ and EJ. Wow. And now such a deep, deep breath.
86. I am SO grateful too, that anyone gets something out of my Readings posts!
87. I am becoming myself!
88. My *little * house needs work. And the front steps are like an obstacle course in themselves. Pieces or rough stone put there by a non-professional almost a hundred years ago. Not easy for novices to navigate. But I have to say, going up and down them today with the recycling in my hands, felt – sort of like the movie Razor’s Edge. A movie J always loved and I didn’t. Until saw again more recently – the one with Bill Murray. And I “got” it. And I feel like that’s sort of what I’m doing now, in a different way but the same sense.
89. I have one of the only dry walls in the county, too. Well, it’s not a dry wall anymore. Because we had to repair it. But J, who used to do masonry work, hid the cement in the way-back, so it still looks like a dry wall, but being so old, it’s not falling down anymore: )
90. I am so so so so glad that EJ bought “Be Free Where You Are” by Thich Nhat Hahn!
91. I *will * find a shoe repair shop to repair my shoes. “Mine” closed but I will find one. And cheap too.
92. To believe I can is a BIG deal for me
93. Elephants.
94. Gorillas
95. Especially Koko
96. That she inspired one of my darling students to learn ASL.
97. And now that student’s mom is going to let her visit the deaf school and communicate with those children. Wow
98. The parents when I *subbed * who called * my house * to borrow that video tape of Koko!
99. The grandparents who sought me out a year later, after I only subbed for their granddaughter for a week, to say I had had such a positive impact on her life and they had to find me and she was still talking about me. Wow.
100. It turns out, as EJ told me long ago, I *am * actually a person. A whole person. Oh thank you, God.
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