My Relationship with L.

My Relationship with L. Why did he get like short with me about things like how I put the dishes in the drying rack when I washed them for him? And my robe that he loved getting caught on the 99 cent store wrack and breaking it. And in my driveway, my reaching over to move something from the driver’s side floor! . . . /// -- We had a nice relationship in the beginning. He treated me like a goddess. I was not looking for a lifer. He kind of was but I was honest with him that I wasn't and he accepted that. /// In April, his friend S. told me that L. was “abused” as a child. Bad. Physical and maybe sexual. That he thought I should know. That it meant that L, who is a great guy, does not really know how to treat a woman. Has antipathy towards women. (I misunderstood and thought he'd said ambivalence! BIG difference!) But he tries. And if you tell him, he’ll do it. He learns. That I should teach him. This was so strange for me to hear! He is a professor! He takes me to museums! And concerts! He is a gentleman! Now he’s sounding like a dimwit! All I said, however, was: “But I’m not his teacher – I’m his lover.” He said, with a knowing smile, “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to him. When it happens, call me. I’ll help.” /// 2 weeks later, the first time I was totally naked with L, he went to lend me a book and a picture fell out. He exclaimed the woman’s name – I knew it was someone he used to be with. I said she looked pretty. Okay fine. Then he waxed poetic about her breasts and how he felt about them – for a long while! I was sitting up naked in his bed! Covering myself little by little, mouth agape, unable even to respond. He had behaved with a few things that weekend that I didn’t like - and then this was the ending of the weekend. I called S. He said, “What did the idiot do?” I told him. He gave me some background. It helped me see L. in a more understanding light. That he really didn’t know this was a BADLY timed thing to do! I moved ahead with L. S. had helped. /// I have a feeling something else happened – in the summer? – and I called S. again. And he helped again. I really don’t remember the details. /// Then came the birthday week. Not gonna see me til the day after. Me confused about why. Him saying something like why bother, doesn’t care about the date, as long as weekend together…But something was nagging at me. I called again. S’s girlfriend J said L had said something about maybe getting a ticket and going to a Broadway show by himself. S tried to tell L, “You’re supposed to see your girlfriend on your birthday.” I mentioned that to L about my hearing from J that he might be getting a Broadway ticket. He said no, it had just been a thought. ***Meanwhile, he was very upset that J had mentioned it to me. Like we “have all these talks.” NO! Maybe (hindsight) he was upset because it turns out, there was so much else that could “come out?!” Anyway, still he wasn’t planning on seeing me that night… (a Friday). The Wed. night before, I told him I wasn’t angry, but was just so surprised that he didn’t feel like seeing me on his birthday. He said, twice(!) : “I have absolutely no plans. I have absolutely no plans. In fact E (a guy friend) called and asked if I had plans. I said no. So maybe I’ll see him.” I was so SURPRISED that he would rather see this guy than me, his girlfriend of 7 ½ months, on his birthday night! But I just wanted him to be happy! Then, Thursday, he said maybe he would just go “into town” and see a little show by himself and see me the day after. That his old friend from work had one ticket but couldn’t use it and happened to offer it to him or something. And he would come here the next morning. Okay. Well it was his birthday; I WANTED him to be happy. I was kind of insulted, but then I actually felt maybe that was a flaw of MINE. Friday I texted and called him after work. He said he was on way into “town.” I said, “You don’t mind eating alone?” “Oh no! It’ll be fun!” “Where is the show?” “I don’t know.” “Well look at the ticket – it’ll say!” “I don’t have the ticket. It’s waiting at the box office for me.” “How will you know where the box office is if you don’t know what theater?” “It’s a big show. I know the street. When I get there I’ll see it.” We agreed he would call me after going to his dinner and show alone; I was really looking forward to this call! I wound up feeling so bad that night. Felt lonely on his birthday. PLUS felt like something’s wrong with this picture. Slept with phone at pillow so would get the call. So sad. He didn’t call later. When I woke up, I saw he’d left a text: “I cannot in good conscience call and wake you for chat that can wait til morning.” The next day he came here and I gave him a GREAT day!!!! In the car he said, “Can I tell you about the show, or would that bother you because I went alone?” I – generously(!) said – tell me! He did. Told me about enjoying the dinner alone. Forgot what ate but enjoyed the wine. And about the musical. We went on with our great day. And night. But no sex – it had been a month! The next morning we were on our way out for another jaunt – I considered it an extension of his birthday weekend, and really wanted to make it great for him. On the way out, I saw a card on top of a pile of his stuff on the chair! “Dear L Happy Birthday! I’m so glad I get to spend it with you. E.” What????!!!!! He swore it was some girl he used to know only as a friend who’d moved away and was back and called him to say hi and he mentioned his birthday Friday (did NOT mention my existence to her however – why??????) and she said oh, they’ll have to get together soon to say hi and celebrate it, and he’d gone along with that idea just to be socially polite, but in fact had no intention of ever getting together with her. Fishy fishy fishy. We talked about this a LOT. I cried. … Nothing. He swore up and down. And even said, in heartfelt manner, “I’ve told you everything. I certainly hope you don’t presume something else. What more can I do? You’ve got me over a barrel. There is nothing more to tell.” *I * actually felt bad! Was looking into MYSELF for why I was giving this innocent sweet man such a hard time! But as the day went on, I KNEW. I KNEW. So at dinner I got him to tell. Well, it turns out it was NOT the girl he said, who gave him the ticket. It WAS the one who’d moved away and was back (the one who’d given – not sent but GIVEN – the card) . And that she’d had TWO tickets. So he’d gone WITH her. And taken her to dinner. He paid. “After all, she’d had the tickets.” I said, “On your birthday, instead of seeing me, your girlfriend, who would have taken YOU to dinner and that show and I’d offered(!), you took a woman to dinner and she took you to the show. What you had, My Friend, was a date.” Now I believe they are not romantic to each other – as far as I know! But did he really lie to me for a whole week for a ticket to a show? Wow. That’s bad. And worse, maybe he just has always NEEDED to keep himself apart from the woman whom he was pulling in so close, me??. I broke up with him. He apologized profusely. Offered and did things to “make it up to me.” I had called S again and he’d HELPED again with background info on L… I forgave and was willing and able to just move on. /// But then, the party thing, oh. There was a little nothing get-together. There’ve been others. I only ever said, “Have fun!” I don’t live near him; I couldn’t go to things on a Sunday evening anyway; I did not need him “in my pocket”… But this one, he wouldn’t tell me about. A month after the birthday fiasco and all the promises to be truthful from then on. The friends told him for two weeks, YOU MUST TELL HER! He didn’t. Told me he was home doing lesson plans, but went. Called later to tell me finished lesson plans. Lies so easily to me. Went for like 20 minutes. It was a NOTHING. After all this, he withheld from me, AND made a fool of me to his friends yet again, for a NOTHING? Why the fuck? Well, I KNOW why. Because he was afraid I’d want to come this time, as I was off the next day! And as he was working the next day, he didn’t want me there. Rather than face that little POSSIBLE discomfort, he withheld. Dishonest yet again. /// Then, because I was angry at it (after the break-up which soon follows), he – of his own volition – wrote me a LIST of the people there. BUT LEFT OUT ONE NAME, A FEMALE! Because I “might misunderstand.” /// He lies so easily to me. /// Then Thanksgiving. I invited him. Told him it might not be fun, just dinner with my mother, but she’d leave and we’d have the weekend. He said that unless it was very important to me, he’d just see me the next day. He didn’t care about Thanksgiving, it wouldn’t be fun, he was very uncomfortable about traveling here on that day. I was FINE with his decision. I did NOT want to make him uncomfortable! Only the weekend before, when he realized S and J might come, he said, “Oh! THAT might be fun!” I said that insulted me, like the traffic and all were too much of a bother to come just for me but if THEY were coming it’d be worth it, and he told me I was being silly. Well I’d already invited them when he might have been coming… Now HE didn’t want to and THEY were hooked on it! The whole thing was getting very strange. They were trying to push him into coming. I really was NOT upset that he wasn’t. THEY were. Oy. The morning before, he called me and said, “I’ll come.” “Why?” “Because I don’t want to see J and S alone taking public transportation all that way this week while they don’t have a car. I can drive them. “Plus there’s the embarrassment factor. My friends going to your house and me not. How would that make me look.” To which I replied, “YOU’RE no longer INVITED!!” /// Really now. He didn’t care about MY embarrassment factor when he was making a fool of ME to them! (more later, you’ll see) Well, I wound up telling them they couldn’t come, because M. told me it would hurt L. I didn’t want to hurt him. Meanwhile, they got hurt and they got mad at him. /// The next day, when I felt slighted yet again by L, and after two months of him not touching me with no explanation, and one weekend without even a kiss, I thought, “There’s no hope here.” And I broke up with him. I called S and J to tell them. They were not so quick to help this time. They were disgusted with him themselves. And they were feeling like they HAD thought THIS could be THE relationship for L., but that maybe they’d been wrong. That maybe he just can’t do it. Have an honest, open, loving, long-term relationship. They were sort of giving up on the whole thing. /// The friends started sharing why. I was furious at the things that I was told!!!! He’d planned and taken walks with a female friend former date in the spring while we were dating exclusively, and not told me. They had told him how wrong this was, and he went on and on about his feelings about her! He now says he did that going on and on about her and his feelings, just because he was pissed that they kept interfering, so he did this to shut them up. Um – how the hell would this stop them? It would only make them think he’s messing up, even more. WHILE making a fool of me! /// I called L, who was out with friends, and yelled at him about this! He called back like 10 times, SO UPSET about J maybe being in on the telling me of things! Had NOT bothered to call WHEN I’D BROKEN UP WITH HIM! Hours and hours went by after THAT! THAT, apparently, wasn’t important enough to inconvenience himself while out with friends, by calling. This friends shit was! He was literally crazed upset once the FRIEND was involved! Called literally like 10 times! Out of his mind upset. Hmmm. That hurt a LOT. /// Then I also found out that he’d had a little afternoon sojourn to the doctor and dinner with a woman: P; he had told me about this at the time, but had NEGLECTED TO MENTION that he’d had an affair with her! Had told ME that they might have gone out a bit but that NOW she was married. And he had even said he’s had Christmases at their house now that she’s married, and maybe WE could go there THIS year. Um, not so! They had had an affair, WHILE she was married. And here he was, dishonestly again, spending an afternoon with her. Like, what the little throwaway girl doesn’t know, won’t hurt her. Plus - *I * would have sat at their table, as would her husband, socializing and being made a fool of yet again, not knowing about their intimacies! All by he who is so concerned about being made a fool of. /// He said, when I confronted him, that he was embarrassed to tell of the affair because she was married. I certainly don’t believe that that is the only reason for yet another dishonesty, as there are so many. /// He is SO HURT by what he sees as their lack of trustworthiness, as to have broken his friendships with J and S, and another guy J, forever! But yet HE has not been trustworthy to ME! /// Then the next night after the post-Thanksgiving break-up, because I was hurting so much, they said, come out for dinner. Don’t sit home alone and just feel bad. So I went. And found out that also, in the beginning, L. bragged to S. about, in S’s words, which I’m sure left a lot out, “how long he went down on me and that I went crazy.” Yuck!!! This was private sacred stuff between us, *I’d * thought. And made us so close! Or so I’d thought. /// We had some screaming fights and emails. But he was SO MAD at THEM for “betraying” him. But HE betrayed ME! I don’t understand him! /// So now, We have the 6 dishonest things – the 6 about which I know! • The walks with that woman, L/ • the day out with P. who it turns out was a former lover/ • the breaking of MY confidence to J – the one she broke was one I’D given HIM - / • the birthday week-long lie/ • the stupid going to the party nonsense/ • the deciding he needed to send me a list of people – a list for which I HADN’T asked – and leaving one name off AND THAT NIGHT – THE NIGHT I FINALLY GOT HIM TO TELL ME THE TRUTH ABOUT THE BIRTHDAY- I ASKED HIM OVER AND OVER – NOW IS THE TIME – IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE? ANYTHING AT ALL? ANY POSSIBILITY OF ANYTHING AT ALL?! He then actually told me about two female friends with whom he talks on the phone infrequently, like a confession. Who cares? Oh well, I thought, better that he’s OVER-TELLING than keeping more secrets. ONLY NO – HE WAS STILL HIDING THINGS FROM ME!!!! /// Why??????? /// WHY is he able to discount all of this – all of these betrayals of me - But SO UNFORGIVING that THEY “betrayed” HIM? /// The things I’ve found out. • The woman named L walks and talking to the friends about how much he liked and wanted to be with her. Me seeing the friends many times and them having this information. What a fool he made of me. • The P. day at doctor and dinner and long-term affair they’d had. That disgusts me and makes me sick somehow. Again, they knew, I saw them a lot, and so he was making a fool of me – he who is so concerned about himself not being made a food of. • The stupid party • and subsequent leaving off of the name. • The telling S about our sex. • The breaking of my confidence, to J /// Meanwhile, he wants to be with me. And I with him. But WHY? WHY do I want to be with him? ??? /// • I wonder that maybe he has like, asbergers or DID or something. And is incapable of a real relationship. • And he has lied and omitted so easily with me. • And still seems more upset about the friends than about us. And doesn’t see that HE betrayed ME. • And may never have sex again with me again anyway, because of a problem of his. THIS is the guy with whom I want to be?! What the fuck is wrong with me that I am obsessing and love him and want this to work somehow? I feel tricked and used and mis-used. /// Now last week, he was on dating sites! It’s okay – we were broken up. I went on Friday morning myself. We both had the right to. But - HE was saying he wanted exclusivity with me, while on dating sites! • Said just went on to see if I was there. Um, NO! Another dishonesty • And then said, only as a social network. Um, no. His profile, after all, says, “Actively seeking a relationship.” Another dishonesty. Lies so easily to me . . . When I went on and saw him there, Friday at noon, I was only there to grab some phrases for a letter I was writing him… /// I went on yesterday, and told him so. Got LOT of interest. One guy calling me lovely and exquisite. Like L used to do. And quite honestly, it felt good. I will not go on again this week; will wait to see what we decide to do. /// But I MUST take care of MYSELF. Health, house, money, … friends, piano, … After all , As I see the reactions from people on the dating site, and reread what I myself wrote today, I realize – I AM a prize. I am pretty. I am affectionate. I am honest. I am compassionate. I am smart. I am open-minded. I am forgiving. I am fun. I am trustworthy. I am self-sufficient. I have beautiful breasts and expressive eyes. I have nice feet. I try. I never give up. I am fiercely loyal. I am funny. I am spiritual. I am kind. I am good to children and to non-human animals. I have lifelong friends. I am fair. A number of men have been quite in love with me, and asked me to marry them, so I’m desirable. I have many interests and hobbies. I am able to socialize in a room full of CEOs and judges and diplomats… and at a picnic with underprivileged people who live in ghettos and do not even speak English, and in between. I am professional. I am sweet. I put myself on the line for those I love. I am safe for others. . . . /// MORE ISSUES!: He thinks “all has been going well except the bedroom” ?????? During all this shit? /// That woman L - he now says just MADE IT SOUND TO THE FRIENDS LIKE he cared about her because he was so pissed that they kept interfering in his life. More deceit. Ether to them, if this is true, or to me if it isn’t. Same with Patricia C. And what about E: E was NOT only ever a friend! They had DATED too! Sure, maybe short-term and no sex – but ANOTHER dishonesty! S and J had DOUBLED with them! Oh my God! Every time I fucking turn around, there’s yet ANOTHER dishonesty from Louis! And he will go on blaming the friends for all of this and our problems – that if they hadn’t betrayed him, this wouldn’t be this way. But HE did it! To ME! /// How should I believe ANYTHING of his now? JUST LAST NIGHT he said he’d really broken up friendship with J because of her association with S! Since Thanksgiving weekend he has been telling me that it was because she’d broken his confidence! Still not open, not honest!!!!! /// Maybe he has asbergers or DID or something, and just cannot do more? Or maybe he’s a selfish little shit? Or maybe *I’M * crazy? /// http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GSsO3DDRrxc /// I just want a clean, honest, joyful, uncomplicated and LOVING little life. ! ==