How Come

after I see or speak to him,
I just want more.
It literally hurts inside.

And when I don't, I miss him so.
It literally hurts inside.

What is this magic hold?

I cannot figure it out.

Maybe it's chemistry. I don't have great chemistry with that many people. Like one of my best friends, I love her for over 20 years, but I kind of scheeve her physically... and I am so totally comfortable with J

Also I made the commitment and want it

And it is so hard to find someone new.

And despite my little bit of increasing mindfulness, I do think of future - don't want to be alone... God forbid sick and alone...

Also I think I am more mature in realizing how having someone you care about who cares about you (and we do) is more important than the feelings you had when 18 years old or something. Sharing life is nice.

And last, I think there is a pathological component. There must be something about J - perhaps his very: wants me/doesn't -  is hitting something from childhood that my subconscious still wants to work out... (can you spell "child of a schizophrenic mother"?)

In any event, today is today and I shall do my gratitudes and exercise and some French and piano and walking.

I did get the FIFTEEN bags of throw aways out last night and THAT feels good.
And I did get through the night without eating and that is good.
Tomorrow I shall clean bedroom.

Off to gratitudes now.