CoDA Morning Work Today

I woke up, had coffee, did grats, and I feel:

Lonely, anxious, shaky, bruised, wounded, unhappy, scared, inadequate, inferior, inept, swamped, EXHAUSTED, forgiving, excluded, dejected, sorrowful, undervalued, anguished, imprisoned, rotten, lost, desperate, rejected, frustrated, overwhelmed, low, unsure, alone, ill, impatient, tense, worried, unloved, regretful, estranged, depressed

and
Willing, humble, powerless

and
Grateful, blessed, sacred, healthy, hopeful, alive

I think it is because:
First stuff: St doesn't usually call. And I think she so *wants* me away from J, that she doesn't give me any care about that situation. And J: ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch. I feel loved by some people, but I am certainly not loved romantically. And I don't think my mother really loves me. I think she just needs me. I feel inferior etc. to others because I work so hard and still don't have what I want - it's like my childhood wounds still affect everything about me. My exhaustion is becoming overwhelming, and I think I must see a doctor about it. (Also, I haven't seen shrink for 3 weeks - 3 sessions which is more like 4 weeks).
But I will not give up!

Second stuff:
Step one is always there.

Third stuff:
I am still so lucky. I have life and breath and walking and eyesight...and God. And I am pretty much aware of it.

I acted out codependently:
Um.
I am so confused and all over the place that I really don't know.
Shouldn't have eaten white flour last night! That could be a big effect! I think there was some in the lunch too!

Next time:
Avoid it!

5 good things about it.
I swear, I feel like there aren't 5 good things about me. Let me see:
1. I consistently try to be a better and better teacher, even though I've always been a good one.
2. I've learned a lot about gentleness and how to be in a relationship
3. I am a forgiving person. Very
4. I am facing the hard things
5. I am tenacious

Okay.