Journal

So.
This IS the time to build mySELF.
I MUST continue building mySELF.
To be with ANYONE I must be ok more than I am.

I know that to my great dismay, yesterday and today I have had the stomach-fallen-out-like-when-you-hear-someone-you-love-need-has-died (my father when I was still living at home) or when you find out you have a horrible diagnosis. THAT feeling. Yes.
I think, sadly(!) that it is related to J not calling. Damn. I didn't expect THIS feeling.
Here is what is going on. I just called and we talked, because he had said last week that he was busy through Thursday night but could we get together after that. But it is Sun am and he hasn't called. So I called to say hi and catch up.
The bad: He hadn't called. He sounded awkward and uncomfortable and a little bit distant and formal.
And said nothing about getting together today.
And he asked for the recipe for the broccoli soup. :(  Instead of kind of attaching it to my magic. He just wants to make it for self. And said does not need any more food now. Has some of mine frozen but guy back (whose house it is) from hospital and will be stocking up too. :(
And - I told him of the tickets I had for that night in June. And he said could we talk when closer to it! Because he may have something work-related. Oy.
The good: I am sure he is not with someone else and that this all has nothing to do with anyone else but him and trying to make his OWN way in the world. And he said we really should get together even for a walk or cup of tea. Maybe one evening during the week. That is nice.
The end: I MUST become more and more whole. I KNOW that. I am trying all I CAN. I don't know what else to do.
I am:
eating better
starting walking
doing French
seeing friends some
straightening up around here
making plans to make this place better
saving money a bit
helping mother
teaching carefully
following the book, The Magic
What else can I do?
Finally, I miss my dr. :(
--
Still, there must be a healthy part. Because I am relieved to not have to see him. In this sense: that I can do MY things at MY speed (slow) with no OUTSIDE CAUSED PRESSURE.
and I think THAT is what HE is feeling too! So I GET it! wow.
--
I like the idea of maybe and I wish we could spend some happy times without pressure right away. But I did NOT expect the obsessions. I still have work to do...
--
In the meantime, what should I be doing?
Helping mother
Eating well
Losing weight
Exercising
(Improving myself)
Enjoying French
Enjoying friends
Enjoying the weather - getting outside
Being among people more.
Getting this house in total order, little by little but consistently.