My Easter :)

The foods came out wonderfully! I made them with special love, for my mother.
On the way down the stairs to the car, I felt so -
good!
Excited even!
Me! Alone! Going to mother's! Oh my gosh! What a miracle!
And it was then that I realized: I can always feel this way. I need to not get trapped in the expectation of a certain paradigm, that's all! "I need to be part of a couple, together with extended family, all of whom love me and I them, or it is not a holiday." That is nice too I'm sure, when it happens. But this can be TOO!

And I went early and arrived early and got to visit with Mom's aide M before M went out. And I took charge of putting everything away etc.
Then we ate, Mom and I. Little bits but of 4 courses. And she loved it all for real. And we had such a lovely, wonderful dinner together!!

Then we kept chatting. I did dishes. We chatting some more.
Then we watched one episode of Monk and I was sitting on floor leaning on bed and Mom was in chair. It was so cozy!
Then we chatted and chatted more and more. Serious, fun, sharing, memories, future, everything! Just the two of us!
It turned out to be *far* more special than going to a restaurant would have been!

Then I gave her a treat for her 5:30 pills.

Although I would have done whatever was necessary, I am relieved that I did not have to do bathroom things except help her pull her undies and pants back up.
And I'm relieved that I was determined that if I had to do more, I would do it cheerfully with grace and dignity!

We kept visiting. We told each other how much we were enjoying this day together! This Easter together!

Her night aide came and frankly, although I would have liked to stay longer, the aide left her family early at dessert time to get here on time, so I didn't want her to feel it was for naught.
Plus after I said I was leaving, my mother finally admitted that yes she would go to bed... :)

While I was there I saw gifts friends and neighbors and aides have been giving her today and yesterday,
and I gave her aide M a gift too.

We told each other how much we loved each other and we kissed. I left the exact leftovers she wanted, plus a little more, and I took a little home too!

I did chat with J this am and we might go out next week, but whatever happens will happen. And I will have some say too!
And - and this is *huge* - while I was sitting on the floor of that immaculate (God bless you, M) apartment and enjoying Mom and digestion and tv and coziness, I realized, that as long as I keep *myself* going I am fine! I am *better than fine!* I have a miraculous life.
I might get back with J but I realized in that time that I don't want someone not good for me. It becomes deeper and deeper. And if I don't, I can find someone to be with if I choose to!

And "Teach this triple truth to all: A generous heart, kind speech, and a life of service and compassion are the things which renew humanity."
The Buddha


I believe that. 
May I BE that.
Amen.

Oh - Oh - and A wrote to me today in IM, copied and pasted right here:
you are a very special person
with oitstanding talents  
I guess I never say that
I cannot tell a lie except to save someone from shame

And
The clothes yesterday? I bought a pair of blue jeans and a pair of white jeans. The first jeans I have bought in like 15 years!!!!!!!!

:) :) :)   
Thank you, Jesus. For my day. And this day that I was able to give my mother too!
Amen.