So Here Is What MA Says about It All

MA (who has known him):

Live each day at a time and see what’s in it

Tomorrow and yesterday are their own time and right now is where you are in the minute

Try it out but know that J. needs to be a will-o-the-wisp / needs to be able to flit at any moment

His feelings of the day in the moment impulses, are stronger than anything or many things in him

And he doesn’t seem to be self-aware or self-controlling on that issue

Some will be a daily jump where he'll just take self away form you emotionally

Some might go out door

And come back

Or not, because of conscience and not wanting to hurt you, which he doesn't

There are very shaky based emotions for any kind of rewarding dependable love relationship with him long-term

I would say if you're given the chance, “tentatively try it.” See if you can do it that way.

Maybe he will get too old and tired to flit around so much

You can’t predict him/ he can’t predict himself!

You, Lynn did not cause this. It is who he is.

Take the moment for what it is.

He has a giant kind streak but not the come-through to carry out the deeds with the kind streak

It’s not good for you, L, to live life waiting for something that can’t happen – you need to have your own French and things that you do with people and own programs that please you and go ahead with your life as the choices present themselves to you

And if some of it involes contact with J, enjoy it if you can because it’s going to be short and transient – he is a transient in your life – he will come in and out and in and out – he would have to be a very old man and paralyzed for him to stick

Me: if he were such a transient how could he have stayed for20 years

MA: but what has he been doing since…
// and as I read this over, myself, I am aware of the pull toward him. Some of which is real - he is gorgeous, great in bed, brilliant (seriously not just an expression), hilariously funny, caring etc etc. But some of it is pathological like I have to win someone over as per the way I grew up re: my mother.