Update

Lost doctor.
Wife went TOO crazy. Was taking it out on me. Her nastiness and delusions. It wouldn't stop. Weeks. 7, 10, 12, 14 abusive phone call a DAY sometimes!
I had to stop.
Couldn't even do the right closure stuff.
But I will work it out and be fine.
And am relieved she's out of my life.

J - Yes we are getting along very beautifully. He is warm. It is different than last few years even as recently as beginning Feb.
Yes, I am open to trying to be together.
Yes he is thinking about it.
Yes we are dating  a little.
I have grown very much.
He has too.
Dr had said that (and he knows him) that the challenge will be that although J might decide to want to, he doesn't feel good enough about self and accomplishments, and being around me makes him feel worse and he takes it out on me. But gave me some ways to handle that.
MA says J is a "will o'the wisp" who will have to flit. Will remove self emotionally for a day, or leave and come back, or not... because does have conscience... but that I should try anyway if he will.
O's husband was obnoxious to live with! They were apart for 5 years (she left). They started getting along nicely like we are, she would do a little food as I am, they would spend a bit of time together, as we are, and they have been back together for almost a year and are happy to be. So you never know.
Now I THINK that some friends are staying away and concerned about this, and M irl too, because they are afraid: 1. I am setting self up for a crash and 2. he will not want me and 3. they want me over this and 4. maybe even thinking I'm delusional.
Please know that I am growing mySELF!!!!! And I MUST give this now at this time my 100% belief and all. And I am ok. And maybe it will work out. And if not I will have to be ok too.
Last, right now he is almost 100% focused on growing HIMself. To feel ok as a person and as a man.
I am fine, ok and great with the way things are. Living in the day and very open.

I finished the book The Power and liked it a LOT. I am now working my way through the book The Magic and LOVING it, and rereading The Secret more seriously.
I must find a way to meditate daily this week.
I am eating much better.
I am thoroughly enjoying French.
I must get out each day.
I must do some exercise each day, even a walk.

A week ago L called to commiserate about his gf and how she goes crazy with jealousy and anger and then lets it go... regularly breaks up... unavailable...
And he said that he understands as she has so much going on and so many challenges right now. And he named them. I think I remember that there were 3.
I was compassionate of course.
But when hung up, listed mine. I had (have) 24 current real challenges! 24! Some quite big. SINCE THEN lost shrink. So 25. So *I* think I'm doing great! And am DETERMINED that this week I cannot and will not sink as I did in summer, Dec break and Feb break.

:)