Journal

So,
communication with J. last night.

Here's what *I THINK*:

He is a mess inside.
I have always idolized him and it is hard or impossible for me to see how - behind - he is in grwoth and well, sort of normalcy. But he is scrambling to - make a life and to - become.
He has a billion strengths too. And i do love him.

But -
if he wanted to be here, he would be here.
If he were able to be here (internally able), he would be here.
I think he couldn't be with anyone right now. Maybe for a long time. Maybe ever...

I made a commitment to him  but then, he broke it; I didn't.

Anyway, he needs what he needs, and he is entitled to it.
And - it is not about me.

What I will do is:
Whatever my feelings will do, they will do.
I have some great things planned for this summer and I will go ahead with them.
And that includes exercise, nature, books, friends, French, piano, movies, a work day and a course. And maybe dating. If I feel like, I will date!

I will also stay in touch with J.

But I will continue getting stronger and *have fun* in the meantime.