Wow.
EJ commented with this link:
http://thespiritscience.net/2014/06/20/20-things-to-stop-letting-people-do-to-you/
And here’s what I have thought about each one.
1.
At work recently.
2.
Even M. I don’t need to dump her, but to not
take it IN.
3.
Me. Everyone. Wow!
4.
Me. J?
5.
LOVE THIS one.
6.
– I don’t think anyone. J. used to many years
ago. Many. With drugs in his system…
7.
I AM a true friend to others. Not 100% sure of L
or A, to the extent that I let them in. Maybe must lessen the extent!
8.
L did. J? Hmmm.
9.
-- I don’t think I overdo for others – I think I
do too little… And it IS a good lesson about who would let and who wouldn’t. MA
never lets me do much for her. Neither does M. They take care of their own
stuff. D. tries to (at work) but I virtually never give in (one reason she
doesn’t like me much lol)
10. GULP.
I am sure I am J’s back-up plan. Different than this says in that he is there
when I really need him, but in terms of being together, I think I am his
back-up plan. Uh oh.
11. More
and more. YES!
12. Bitch-sister.
Good thought for MY growth re: bitch-sister.
13. I
want THIS is ALL my actions.
14. Uh
oh.
15. So
far this has been true for me yes!
16. No.
Don’t. Period. Must figure out way to go to France next year, not alone, and
not depressed if go with like, a gf.
17. I
think I don’t do this…. I let me stop me
18. I
am keeping the faith! About weight and house and job and money and health and
future – and fun! : ) Yay!
19. Yes
20. Thich
Nhat Hanh: “You have all the conditions for happiness.”
And here’s what I have thought about each one.
This is great. I'm glad it was meaningful to you. I thought of you for a couple of reasons. One, I know you've had work relationship issues (who hasn't?) and a couple resonated, especially #1. But the one that really rang my bell for you was the one about a back up plan. Now I don't know J. And yes, I've formed some opinions based on years of hearing only your side during difficult and emotional moments. But it seems to me like months of 'J is thinking' and 'I might see J this weekend' and 'I'm trying not to call J' and 'didn't see J but didn't really expect to' feel sort like you're being strung along. It may not be intentional, but it has the same effect. And it feels back-up-plan-ish from a million miles away. Trying to decide if you can and should be together implies ACTIVELY working on it. Spending REAL time together. Talking on the phone. Maybe getting counseling. Whatever. But he sounds waaaaaaay elusive to me. And I think you deserve so much more than that. Because being alone is better than being lonely in a relationship. Every time. xoxo
ReplyDeleteI cannot tell you how much I appreciate you. I love you. EJ, that you are HERE means so much to me. That you would take time to write that, oh my gosh. Yes the back-up-plan is really starting to resonate with me a lot. I don't deserve that. (Who does?) Thank you thank you, Dearest EJ! I am getting better! *Also - I am not 100% insane about if not... anymore. I am just determined to be all-in for a little while more. Then I'll know I did all could... But yes, I deserve to be loved for me. And it is friends - like you, Generous Heart, who help SO MUCH. I love you. Thank you so very very much.
ReplyDeleteThank you - I love you too. I totally get your desire to be able to know, in your heart, that you did what you could. But I would reiterate what I said earlier: this 'deciding' thing should be ACTIVE and COLLABORATIVE. An agreed-upon time table, for example. Lots of discussions. Honest assessments, jointly and separately, about what you and your partner need to do differently to be successful this time. Counseling. Maybe you have most or all of that. But I don't think an open-ended 'we're thinking' with no clear dialogue process can work very well. You know what I mean?
ReplyDeleteAnd I think you're doing SO WELL on your own. I'm so proud of you. I think you seem more consistently stronger and happier in your own skin than in the whole time I've known you. Yea you.
I have read your last comment 3 x.
ReplyDeleteI don't know how to thank you, EJ.
I was telling someone today about you and she was impressed.
Oh thank you SO MUCH!