Journal

Yes, I'm writing this partly so I will have it if I should start to fall...
But in car on way home from last teaching day of the year, I FELT THIS!
All new.

I don’t need J!

I don’t need J!

I don’t need J!

I don’t need J!  

I feel good

Strong

Did this whole school year without him and with no depression most of the time. Yes bad in Feb but MOST of the time

But I started the year and ended the year alone. And I accomplished everything. And well!

I feel like – I EXIST. Like, for REAL.

FOR FIRST TIME!

I CAN have fun and fix house and save money

I must just eat greens and keep socially active!

I love driving

I am a full person

I have a park nearby

And beaches too

And I drive

And I walk

I can visit doggie

I have 2 birds

I have friends

I have French

I have piano

I have enough money to fix the house cheaply but good enough

I am a FREE person!

I have paid my tickets and water bill and property tax! THAT feels good!

I have St who DOES want to see me,

And MA

And M

And L and A

And books

And my work day next week

And my course the week after

And embroidering

And exercise

And BGs if I choose

And GI and/or OB if I choose

And a/c and tv for “those” days lol

I have felt really GOOD a lot

I can also date if/when I’m ready and want to.

But mostly – I can ENJOY EACH DAY

AND

Keep getting better and better for future too!

Ok – I did something.

Something I shouldn’t have.

I drove out of my way to pass by where J is staying. His car wasn’t there. Expectable; he should be working.

But I felt – better.

I felt like

1)     I RESISTED calling him to see about lunch (as “friends”) because I KNEW I NEEDED this feeling that I am independent and whole and can finish the school year and stay feeling good!

2)     I thought I’d see his car there. And kind of that either way I’d feel bad.

But I didn’t feel bad.

I am reminded that I have always idolized J. And seeing where he’s living and no car and imagining what he REALLY is doing today – and how he REALLY struggles,

Was a reality check for me.

And I felt better.

I don’t necessarily need anyone who feels co-dependent and that’s the only reason they want me. Although if he did, at this point I’d still say yes I think. Sorry but that’s the truth.

But – I EXIST – independent of J.

And – there are 7 billion people on the planet. Is her more important than all of them?

Does my next breath depend on him?

What if:

I just take care of MYSELF – but not desperately!

What if

I just:

Take care of myself

Keep exercising and doing the 21 dyay fix of eating

And go out every day

And ENJOY people and things.

And feel FULL and HAPPY!

The truth is, it won’t hurt anyone. And it will help me!

And – I even feel better as a TEACHER now than ever before. Wow! Last day always felt different than this. This was a challenging year and I DID IT. And well!

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am whole I am full I am fine. I am not so different from anyone else.