Well

I guess I need a lot more work with my therapist! He went alone the other night. He is here at other laptop doing math stuff. We had a wonderful day yesterday. On me, as it was his birthday. And he was, and continues to be VERY appreciative of the whole thing. Loving and affectionate. Loving to be with me . . . So - gulp - I conjured u[ that whole scenario myself. I mean, he was wrong earlier in the week, to lie to me "because I might be mad that he was using that free ticket to go to the play without me." But he did NOT lie SINCE then. He is really an innocent guy. So: I am insecure and . . ., . . ., . . . But there is something else. I don't FEEL what I want to FEEL. I do like him, and in some ways I love him, and I love kissing him and "having sex" with him, as we do. I don't scheeve him, so the chemistry is fine. Other than that stupid little lie (2) last week, I do basically trust him. But 1. He is a man who has never lived with anyone and never been married. And does have a certain degree of self-centeredness. 2. I don't feel - well, like I did - gulp - do - for J. So I need to figure out/decide/feel, is this enough? Enough for now? Enough for later? How do I do what's best for me? And of course in the way that is most likely to not hurt him. I FEEL LIKE I need a week to not see or talk with him; to be ME and SEE HOW *I* feel. I don't know... Meanwhile, I'll have to work with my dr on my crap. Still, VERY LUCKY! AND VERY GRATEFUL!