Today's Grats

I am grateful" 1. That people in Russia have been looking at this blog 2. And the United States 3. And the United Kingdom 4. And Ireland 5. And Brazil 6. And the Bahamas 7. And Germany 8. And France 9. And Indonesia 10. And Saudi Arabia. Very grateful for all of these. 11. I am grateful for the concept of, “One thing a day,” from M. Today I will tackle the bills. Tomorrow the cleaning. Of course that means one thing ON TOP OF the regularly scheduled stuff. Like, today I will work, and go to the nursing home about my mother, of course. 12. Today’s For Today is very hopeful and positive for me. 13. I have been feeling kind of yucky about L, on and off, lately. Last night he bugged me (didn’t’ mean to, just did). And this morning I awakened feeling yucky about him. But when he called, we both just took it light, and I am so grateful we did. 14. I feel MUCH better now and am grateful for that. 15. I am grateful for yesterday at the professional development day. 16. And for a safe trip there. 17. And back. 18. And that I am going in to the classroom today. 19. I am grateful for life. 20. And for my health. Very grateful for that! 21. And that my legs do not feel weak and hurty today like yesterday. Yay! 22. I am grateful that I can drive. 23. And have a car. 24. And that it is inspected 25. And registered 26. And that although it is expensive, I can afford gas. 27. I am grateful that my mother is alive. 28. I am grateful that, out of coffee, I did not want to go to 7-11 this morning because I got up before 4 am(!) and did NOT want to be out in the dark at THAT hour! And I literally prayed to God, “Please. Let me find any kind of leftover coffee/caffeine in this house. And I PROMISE I will buy coffee to make and stop going to 7-11. And I opened the basement door to look at the shelf, knowing I’ve looked before and there it was! A not-empty can of espresso. I made it and had it. I do NOT think this was some kind of miracle. In fact I remembered having seen that a while ago, and thinking maybe it was the wrong grind for this coffee maker… But then I’d forgotten all about it. And this opened me up to finding it! Yay! I am grateful that I found it. 29. Grateful that I made it 30. Grateful that I drank the caffeine 31. Grateful that it helped me wake up 32. AND helped my mood 33. And that I did not have to go to 7-11 in the dark! 34. I am grateful that I talked with L. this morning. 35. And with M. How fortunate for me that I am not alone in the mornings now (because of phone calls). I remember how DESPERATE I felt when starting this blog, about the morning loneliness. I am so grateful that with someone here or not, I am not all alone in the world and the cyber world in the morning now! More later. 36. I am so grateful that I went to the health food store! 37. And that I got cheaper but good non-stir organic peanut butter 38. And cheaper but good organic lentil soup 39. And non-GMO soy yogurts for 99 cents each 40. And 3 meat-analogs 41. And non-GMO soy ravioli that tastes like cheese inside with herbs. So nice. I got two packages 42. And organic oranges! How fortunate I am! 43. And organic seedless grapes! Yay! 44. And organic spelt bread. Oh I’m so happy about this. I’m not kidding – I’m not even exaggerating! 45. I am grateful that I got some healthy things for L’s drawer of snacks here too. 46. And two of them are really special – birthday treats! 47. And two others are special too. 48. And all vegan, of course! 49. And I got organic salad greens. Yay. 50. I am grateful that I gave my kids a great day today! 51. And that they behave so beautifully! (My class). 52. I am grateful that they loved the Science! 53. And that L and I texted each other at lunchtime. 54. I am so so grateful that my sponsor spoke with m today. 55. And said, and I quote, “I love you.” Oh my gosh that meant SO MUCH to me. 56. I am grateful that I called the sub from my cell phone. 57. And that when the principal wrote to me that I hadn’t called a sub yesterday, that I’d forgotten, I was able to say that yes, indeed I did call. 58. And that I see the number from last Thursday (for yesterday) right there on my cell phone. 59. I am grateful that I did tell her that indeed I did call and she has my word for it. 60. I am grateful that when that other teacher did the really crazy(!) thing today, I stood up for myself and pushed through! (Metaphorically of course; I didn’t actually push anybody lol) 61. I am grateful for M. 62. I am grateful that I got home safely 63. And that I got to school (work) safely too, this morning. 64. Am grateful that I have felt twice within these last few days, “I am now finally willing to do ANYTHING to recover.” (Compulsive overeater stuff). 65. I am grateful that I am calmer about L now 66. And that although I find it very strange that he will only work 1 2-hour period between today at 4 and NEXT WEDNESDAY at 8AM but doesn’t want to see my until Sat even though his birthday if Fri (?!), I am grateful that I’m not like, CRAZED about it. It’s like, “Oh well, whatever.” 67. I am grateful for Claritin! I need it when I need it: ) 68. I am grateful for good movies. 69. I am grateful that my little dear student was so excited about after-school karate today. 70. I am grateful for the recovery reading that came in an email today. 71. And that M called me on my cell after school today. 72. Because I love her, but also because that’s how the office found out it was MY cell phone they had! I’d left it in the teacher’s room! 73. I am grateful that my legs didn’t hurt today! 74. And that J is helping with the current difficulty with my mother. I am SO grateful for that. 75. I am grateful for parents of my students this year. They are so nice! 76. And so sane! 77. And the kids seem – well – happy. 78. And adjusted! 79. And they are doing beautifully academically too. What a dream. 80. And – and this is only the third time since 1979(!) I only have 17 students! Wow. Phew. Deep breath just came: ) 81. I am grateful, so grateful, that I am not depressed right not. 82. And that I can read. 83. And that I powered up my Nook last night. 84. And remembered to turn it off afterward lol. 85. I am grateful for email. Especially because I am shy. 86. And for smiling children. 87. And cheerful greetings. 88. And fun homework for them. 89. I am grateful for our union president. 90. And for people who UNDERSTAND that tenure does NOT mean, “a job for life.” You can still get fired! People do! It means due process. And ability to try sound new educational techniques. As it should. 91. I am grateful that after all she does and has particularly done recently, I did thank my union president today. In writing. 92. I am grateful that I do not think I shall overeat tonight. 93. And that VERY SOON I shall be practicing piano again. 94. And that I started Halloween songs – and reading workshop with them is great – with my kiddies today. 95. And that M. is actually very positive about L. 96. I am grateful that I can be flirty again. 97. And that computer teacher is going to try to help me with my download issue soon. 98. And that our phones and Internet at work was finally repaired today. 99. I am grateful for God in my life. 100. And for affirmations. 101. And that I feel *good * after work today.

Affirmations

I am a child of God. And therefore I am good enough, period!

Feelings Work

I feel: Confused! I am not really happy, like with L. I don't like that it seems he is limited in terms of relationship. But then he is a good man, and is sweet to me, and I believe he loves me as much as he could ever love anyone. And when I'm physically in his presence, I feel love and his innocence. But I am tense lately. I don't like my life. I feel that I am having some physical reactions to not doing things right for myself. Like not looking at all the truths or something (think Louise Hayes). And like I do not have answers for how to live/where to go from here. And I do NOT think it is a good time to make a "decision." And I would feel a real loss were I to stop seeing him or something. Also, M does not think I should. Dr. says that in a way, he is a disturbed man, which is difficult. But in another way, I have far too big a NEED with a man. His, dr's, bottom line is, "If the pleasure outweighs the difficulty, you might want to stay. If not, not." I think this (confusion) is because: I have NOT been putting my own needs and responsibilities first. And that builds like some anger and resentment and depression and sleep-disturbance in me. Next time I will do differently: PUT MY OWN NEEDS FIRST. STARTING THIS MINUTE. 5 Good Things about Me: 1. I am insightful 2. I am self-honest 3. I do not eat animals 4. I try to give humorous fun little moments to the children. 5. I try. I try I try I try

Today's Reading - The Language of Letting Go

Getting through the Discomfort "Surrender to the pain. then learn to surrender to the good. It's there and more is on the way." Beyond Codependency Our goal in recovery is to make ourselves feel comfortable, peaceful, content. Happy. We want to be at peace with ourselves and our environment. Sometimes, to do that, we need to be wiling to face, feel, and get through discomfort. I am not talking here about being addicted to misery and pain. I am not talking about creating unnecessary pain. For talking about the legitimate discomfort we sometimes need to feel as we heal. When we have surgery, the pain hurts most the day after the operation. When we do the kind of work we are facing in recovery, we are doing an emotional, mental, and spiritual surgery on ourselves. We're removing parts of us that are infected and inflamed. Sometimes the process hurts. We are strong enough to survive discomfort and temporary feelings of emotional pain. Once we are willing to face and feel our discomfort and pain, we are almost to the point of release. Today, I am willing to face my discomfort, trusting that healing and release are on the other side. Help me, God, be open to feeling whatever I need to feel to be healed and healthy. While I am doing this, I will trust I am cared for and protected by myself, my friends, my Higher Power, and the Universe.

Today's Readings - In This Moment

In This Moment, I am recovering. I'm open and wiling to grow in recovery. I can't do this overnight and I can't do this alone, but I can do this. By consistently taking small, baby steps, one day at a time. I make progress. I've learned that this is a "we" program, not a "me" program. With my Higher Power's guidance and the help of others in recovery, I can do what I can't do alone.

Today's Reading - Voices of Recovery

"We had to replace our old ideas about God with a faith that worked." OA 12 & 12 p. 16 My old ideas of God were primarily from religious school on weekends. Although my theological education was limited, I came away with a picture of God, in the heavens, with enormous hands. He was waiting for me to sin, so He could zap me. God was there to punish, very much like a parent. When I got involved in church choir, I began to worship God; but worship did not make a Higher Power personal to me. It was in writing and sharing with my sponsor that I became willing to see God in other ways. Those enormous hands could lift me up. They didn't need to zap me down. A faith that works means I have to put action into my beliefs. In the morning, I ask God for guidance, but I know any Higher Power is not going to prepare breakfast, lunch, and dinner for me. i ask Him for the strength and wisdom to act by making healthy food choices. God is my guide and source of hope that the obsession will be lifted each day.

Today's Reading - For Today

"Not to go back is somewhat to advance. And men must walk, at least, before they dance." Alexander Pope Nothing in nature grows at the speed human anxiety would wish it to grow. It takes time to halt a retreat, more time again to overcome inertia and begin to take a new direction. I cannot expect the difficulties in my life to be erased because I wish it. I am learning to walk one step at a time, and I look forward to dancing. I am grateful for the upturn in my attitude, for my patience, my ability to reach out, then step back and wait. Yes, indeed, I am on my feet, thanks to my Higher Power and Overeaters Anonymous. For today: I rejoice in the broken bonds of obsession, and I am content with my progress.