Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Dear God

Dear God,

Thank you for all the gifts of my life, including that I got to 100 today in gratitudes.
Praise and glory to You.
I am sorry for the fears and all that they have cost me of this life you've given me.

God, I don't understand my life this now. And my suffering and grieving and pain and why I have to go through it.

Please help me.
Please help me.

Amen.

Affirmations

Hard today.

Try.

Here goes.

I am loved.
I am lovable.
I am a creation of the Divine.
I am competent.
I am healthy.
I am happy.

100 Gratitudes Today

Through number 30, I already had these here from another couple of days when I could, and don’t know if I’ve posted them yet. I think not. But I’m trying to get as close as I can to 100 a day again, hand and all.

I am grateful:

1. 8/7 about saying no: Language of Letting Go 8/7: “…if we don’t learn to say no, we stop liking ourselves and the people we always try to please. We may even punish others out of resentment
2. prayer
3. yesterday finishing the important book
4. every moment that I am calm
5. chance with J tonight
6. thumb doc today
7. mother to take shopping
8. and now 8/21: my new perfume
9. O’s friendship & how she is helping me as a girlfriend can help a girlfriend, to re-find my femininity
10. Yesterday w. MA and ML
11. And later O
12. That ML seemed more ok yesterday
13. That Gl is doing better after detox
14. That their family was together yesterday
15. That I’ll be at the piano video-taping – that’s exciting!
16. That I was there for MA last night regarding sick kitty
17. My new shoes – the prettiest or second prettiest pair of shoes I’ve ever had
18. The two great walks I’ve taken doggie on the last two days
19. How happy she was
20. How good it was for me
21. That being near (on!) me was such a comfort to her during the big storm
22. Seeing Jo this week!
23. And that after 3 years, it was as if we’d never been apart – like sisters
24. Day 9 of better eating
25. My keeping track of it on post-its in the den
26. That retreat ends and I can start getting my calls again
27. Laughter
28. That O has a very positive intuition about me and J
29. Hope
30. God in my life
31. 8/31 That O. reminded me last night that I have gotten so far in my profession and can do this.
32. And said she knows I can act through the day today (first day back at work).
33. And said that right after, I should call her
34. That although I ate more than I should last night, I did not go for the junk. For about two weeks now, since that child ate the crunchy cheese doodles in front of me, and everyone else at the table except me had some, I have thought and/or obsessed about those every single day. Those were my strongest “drug of choice” and even though vegan now, I really want them. But I’ve been saying to myself, “It’s okay. You can have them tomorrow.” And that’s been getting me through, thank God. I really feel that if I have one of those, I may never go back, and just get so heavily into my addiction as to eat myself to death.
35. My indoor plants
36. That unlike last year, supposedly this year they will tune the piano in my classroom.
37. A day of life. Really.
38. A chance to do for others today. Really.
39. I’ve been thinking about that expression people often use, “With my luck,…” describing something bad that could happen. And how most of us around here who use it really “shouldn’t.” I mean, the truth is, that despite everything, with my luck, I am not a slave, and
40. I am not in a place where there is genocide, and
41. I am not a prisoner of war, and
42. I can attempt any work I want to (freedom), and
43. I can speak my mind (freedom again), and
44. I am not a slave, and
45. No one is beating me, and
46. I am not at war, and
47. I am not in an iron lung, and
48. I am not paralyzed, and
49. My parents were not on drugs, and
50. I do not worry about having enough fresh water, and
51. I am not in a hospital, and
52. I can see, and
53. I can hear, and
54. I can speak, and
55. I can walk, and
56. I have hair (I have a friend with alopecia), and
57. I had the luxury of a pedicure last week, and
58. I can support myself. Money is tight, but to be able to support myself in this economy is something, and
59. My grandfather came over to this country so that we who followed would have this sort of stuff, and
60. I have met some of my relatives from Italy, and
61. I do not have CP (some of the students do), and
62. I am not retarded, and
63. I am not schizophrenic (my mother has suffered that and it is terrible), and
64. I had a father that was one of the best men who ever lived, and
65. I have had two nice husbands.
66. And and and and and. So that’s a lot of luck.
***Because I know some people read this sometimes, I must say I am NOT putting down any of these things. I am talking about my luck only.
67. I have a tv
68. I remembered to pray on my knees and prostrate this morning. Been forgetting that for a bit and glad I remembered today.
69. I have gotten through other things, and I am getting through this.
70. I am not all alone in cyberspace, oh thank God for that!
71. So many people are so good.
72. I know many of them.
73. I am on day 19 of eating better. Now I shall bump it up one more notch.
74. I am able to eat on my own (not feeding tube).
75. Today’s For Today: “Man is as full of potentiality as he is of impotence.” George Santayana
76. And it says, “I recognize hopelessness for what it is: my mind protecting me from disappointment. Hopelessness served at one time, but I don’t need that device today. I have a Higher Power that gives me everything I need.”
77. And “I am willing to continue to cast out old ideas, to keep turning my life over to the care and protection of God. Therein lies hope.” (May it be so).
78. Today’s Voices of Recovery: “My bet thinking got me into trouble. I could ‘think’ my life to suit me; the only problem was that it didn’t work.” For Today p 298.
79. That I’m back into the literature. I’d rather be into the literature than into the food!
80. And it says “In order to recover, I had to let go of my thinking and embrace believing.
81. “This meant that I had to give up certainly (as if black-and-white thining worked) and predictability (as if it were possible to know what the future would bring.)
82. “This meant I had to get into the risky world of the unknown, the spiritual realm, where there are no guarantees.
83. “Scare? You’d better believe it. Rewarding? I do believe it.”
84. Oh and this is beautiful. In today’s “In This Moment” it says: “When I feel overwhelmed and stressed out, I am forgetting my divine heritage – that I am a child of God.
85. “I am a spiritual being having a human experience.
86. “I am protected and infinitely loved by God.
87. “I am centered, grounded to the earth, and committed to being alive.
88. “I choose my path. My choices serve and protect my highest good.
89. “I am responsible for being in the present and living each moment to the fullest.
90. “I take care of myself and am happy to be here.” Wow I needed to hear that. I am so glad to be reading these again!
91. Today’s Language of Letting Go talks about how denial served in my childhood. And then says, “The negative aspect of using denial was that I lost touch with myself and my feelings. I became able to participate in harmful situations without even knowing I was hurting. I was able to tolerate a great deal of pain and abuse without the foggiest notion it was abnormal.”
92. I am grateful for showers
93. And baths
94. And clean towels
95. And clean underwear
96. And bras that fit
97. And comfortable shoes for today
98. And that I don’t live in a dictatorship
99. People who try to live in a state of gratitude
100. Weather and traffic reports
101. Hope.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Affirmations

I am complete.
I am whole.
I am happy.
God loves me.
I have love.
I will have love.
I have a great future.
The universe is so good to me.
I have all I need.
Life is easy.
Life is good.

Some Grats (Hand Still Not Up to Par)

I am grateful:

1. Books about relationships and healing
2. That I was able to lend close friend the little bit of money she needed today.
3. That she will pay me back tomorrow
4. That my (paid) little helper will meet me at school for part of tomorrow
5. That while at the bank, I was able to straighten out a couple of things, including a check that was about to bounce!
6. That I'm able to type at all.
7. That I went to the bookstore (with gift cards) yesterday
8. And then to Staples for some school supplies
9. That they should be reimbursed
10. Hope
11. God
12. My friend's cockatoo, and every minute of happiness that bird has
13. Other friend's seriously ill kitty having some good days
14. My mother
15. A future, maybe.
16. Days off
17. But also, work.
18. And work that I find noble.
19. Myers-Briggs
20. Reading
21. Beverly Cleary. Her story about getting to kindergarten ready to be taught reading, finding out they don't do that until first grade, and turning around and leaving: "Then I'll be back in first grade" is so much like me at that age! (She grew up to become a children's author, Ramona the Pest etc., and yes, they did catch her and drag her back to school that day)
22. People who share honestly about their experiences.
23. That the hurricane didn't get me here, not even scary really or anything. Phew.
24. Relaxing bath the other night
25. Clothes that looked sort of cute this morning
26. Comfy nightgown I'm in right now (long story)
27. That when fell off bed and held on to corner of it from floor in middle of night and the room started spinning, that it went away and I'm fine now.
28. Good skin
29. That we never know what good things might be in store for us down the road.
30. That I didn't lose any trees during the storm.
31. That my car was not damaged, because J. had the sense to tell me to move it out from under all those trees, which was like "parking it in a forest."
32. Doggie. I'll probably get to be with her this weekend.
33. That I did a nice amount of work from home yesterday.
34. That each kid I'm getting is lucky, in that I'll meet him/her as an individual and I'll take it upon myself to except and help each one.

That's all I can type here for now.

Monday, August 29, 2011

So Many Thoughts

but hand...

I wonder if there's a reason for that.
I want SO MUCH to journal all the revelations...
but really cannot write or type enough to.

It could be that I'm meant to just let them gel?

Or - it could be unfortunate coincidence.

Don't know.

Frustrating.

But nothing I can do about it, so...

Affirmations

God made me.
God loves me.
That is enough.

As-Hand-Heals-I-Can-Write-a-Bit-More-Gratitudes

I am grateful:

1. The 3 sides of the house I've checked don't have extensive damage at all. (Not brave enough to check the heavily new-windowed side yet).
2. I didn't lose power.
3. Doggie was probably doing very well with husband.
4. Hope
5. Calls from friends
6. That I can breathe on my own
7. That I can walk on my own
8. That I can go into work today, or not until tomorrow
9. That although I ate too much during the hurricane, I didn't go crazy binging, and didn't go for the junk food.
10. That today I will get back to the daily meditation books like For Today, and share good stuff here.
11. That each of my friends is pretty happy. I want that for them.
12. That my friend MA who was so seriously sick is doing so well now. And we laugh and laugh together. Including last night.
13. That ML still has so much of her brain power left.
14. That St is enjoying her family so very very much.
15. That M's marriage is healing!
16. That S has her new house and is finally doing well with her love.
17. That Jo has bought a new home with her loved husband
18. That O is so close with her ex; they are best friends forever I think.
19. And that she loves her new house so much.
20. And that with its monkzillion windows and even more trees, she had no hurricane damage!
21. That K is smiling and exercising and energetic and on a plan to get a place of her own by next summer.
22. That Mar is getting stronger and more independent and accepting and will be fine whether husband gets his act together or not.
23. And that her faith is so strong.
24. That EJ's daughter is healthy.
25. That Birdie seems happy.
26. That JJ's life seems to be be going well too.
27. That my mother has her best friend
28. And got through the earthquake just fine.
29. And the friend has her health.
30. That I have a (paid) helper with me tomorrow and Wed morning to finish getting the classroom in order.
31. That I am starting - starting - to believe in myself.
32. God

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Affirmations

I am a creation of God.
I am intelligent.
I am compassionate.
I am capable.
I am lovable.
The universe is good.
Life is easy.
Life is fun.
I have all I need.
My present and future are beautiful.

Gratitudes

typing still an issue
but grateful for these things, at the least:

1. Hurricane didn't get me
2. And didn't seem to get my house
3. Husband coming to help with outdoor furniture the other day
4. Hope
5. Health
6. Friends
7. OA
8. CoDA
9. Phone calls from friends yesterday and today
10. Ma last night, so encouraging with her spiritual words on the phone
11. The spiritual community 5 minutes from my house
12. That I'm not committed to waiting for external things to be better anymore; I finally realize it's internal.
13. That 6 followers show up in icons here, thank God and them.
14. Beautiful gentle cows.
15. Giraffe's eyes
16. Places where there are still wild horses.
17. My mom hugging me Friday and saying, "You're such a good daughter."
18. And saying on the phone last night, "I love you. Very very much."
19. That the weather's clearing. I want our little doggie, who is staying with J., to have peace and happiness and fun.
20. That I am able to breathe deeply. I used to have breathing problems, physical.
21. That we never know what adventures and happinesses lie ahead.
22. God

Bless you each.

Why Some Things Aren't As Bad As They Could Be

I'm a wreck in a way.
Regrets, fears, anger, confusion, more fears, depression, anxiety, more fears, more and more regrets, memories, sadness...

But I know from my past that it could be much worse. So why isn't it? I think there's more, but here's what I can come up with so far. Over the years I've:

*Worked hard and done really well at my job. Although I never wanted a job, that has probably given me purpose, and some degree of self-esteem
*Been fearlessly honest in therapy
*Learned about meditation and mindfulness from Thich Nhat Hahn

And in this past year I've:

*Been blogging here
*Begun eating better, more nutrition, less junk, better taking care of self
*Become closer to other women
*Been working the OA program

And this summer I've:
*Started CoDA regularly
*Made sure to have some fun virtually every day
*Done some exercise
*Made sure I shower every single day
*Bought some clothes and shoes (on sale)
*Made sure to look as good as can pretty much, every single day, including a little makeup (except yesterday and today storm days no makeup)

And this last week I've?
*Begun to accept
*Let go - that's amazing, big, and very freeing
*Started to realize my own strengths
*Realized that if I truly love J., and I do, that I must support what is good for him
*Realized that there is *some* future for me

I hope someone is reading this, who might find some answers for self in it.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Dear God

Dear God, I don't know what you have in store for me.
But thank you for the double miracle last night: acceptance and a desire to live.
Please stay with me as I go through this troubled time, and give me a good life.
I love you, thank you, and praise you.
Amen.
And please keep J. and our doggie safe through the hurricane. And me too.

Affirmations

I am a full person.
I am okay.
John and I are getting along so well.
God made me.
God loves me.
I am okay.

Gratitudes, as many as I can type (hand still healing)

I am grateful:

1. Non-perishable foods
2. Bottled water
3. Flashlights, radio, book light, batteries
4. Outdoor stuff safely in
5. Friends
6. Mother taken care of
7. Husband helping me yesterday
8. All the days/years I've had with J.
9. You
10. Breath
11. Medications in order
12. Electricity on right now
13. Sink of water in case lose water, for washing purposes
14. The 5 mg valium I just took, because getting nervous about the hurricane and being alone in it.
15. Lessons I've learned over the years from friends.
16. God. Always God.
17. Meditation
18. Piano practice
19. Precious dogggie safe with her J.
20. J. safe, I believe.
21. J's friend, who is letting him stay with him.
22. Not wanting to die, as of last night, when something washed over me, and that is a miracle.
23. Umknown wonderful adventures that might lie ahead.
24. Phone service still on.
25. This will pass.
26. Lots of bottled water
27. OA literature
28. Coda literature
24. Big thick book on the Tudors, which I find interesting
25. Having talked with two friends and my mom this morning
26. That my mom has her best friend right upstairs in their apartment.
27. That my dear friend St said if I get too scared, I can go there! To their apartment. That was SO nice! I want to try not to. But I SO appreciate that!!!
28. My job
29. That I've made such headway in my classroom so far this week.
30. That I wrote a beautiful and really for-him-not-about-me to help him, note to J. and told a friend where it is safely, just in case the storm gets me.
31. That I believe what he is doing is right for him. And I do want what's best for him.
32. Just got interrupted. O. called. It's good to have friends.
33. My mother's wedding band, which I am wearing right now.
34. My father's wedding band, which I am wearing right now.
35. That I think I shall update my will. Even though I have almost nothing, I would like to be better to my sister in it. Especially regarding sentimental, irreplaceable things.
36. Spell check lol
37. Prayer.
38. That I pray for others and others pray for me.
39. That I pray for myself too, and I hope they pray for themselves too.
40. That I have light sitcom on right now
41. My OA sponsor
42. My therapist and his generosity
43. That I am a good teacher.
44. The Big Book Treasure Hunt (my sponsor made it, and OA allows it to be given out at meeetings. It is for the AA Big Book, which we also need, and if anyone wants it, e-mail me and ask, and I will e-mail it to you).
45. My thick hair
46. My pretty eyes
47. My pedicure yesterday and the really nice bright pink polish I picked
48. Betty White
49. Clean clothes because I did laundry yesterday morning.
50. Thursday night at O's with her other friend, a lovely child in the other room watching tv, and the 3 adults in the l.r. with a little wine and a nice visit.
51. Getting the tarp at Home Depot.
52. That Dh found our battery powered radio and gave it to me.
53. My new and hope-inducing e-book.
54. That my best friend lent me her credit card with which to pay for it
55. And that I brought her the cash the very next day.
56. That I have been to Barbados, and probably had the most glorious honeymoon on earth.
57. Every single time I was good to Dh.
58. That after rough times, I have managed to have a wonderful friendship with my mother for many years.

Must stop typing soon.
Grateful that can type some.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Goodness

There is still goodness in the world. Even my corner of it.

My hand is healing.
DH came today of his own accord and helped secure things for the hurricane.
I have food and water, flashlights, batteries, radio, etc.

I did three good things:
1. Went around to get things and pay for them to make sure my mom has all she needs and then some. And went and showed her about the batteries-flashlight stuff. Left her happy reminder notes (like don't take the elevator...). Met with her best friend, in same building, to make sure they'll have each other.
2. I sent my sweet little angelic doggie to be with husband, although I'd have loved her company. But I know she'll be better off there, where there are two adults (husband and a friend) and her best doggie-friend, and a much bigger house with lots of good secure hiding places.
3. I offered my good friend that I would take her out tonight or go over there and watch a movie with her or whatever if it could help her, as tomorrow is the anniversary of her broken marriage. Even though I would have lost my car-spot-not- under-a-virtual-forest-of-trees. (She wound up not needing it, + she's going to stay with her former husband through the storm, so they'll be together and safe in his apartment).

I don't feel like dying. That's good.
I'm on day 14 of good clean abstinent eating.
I practiced a little piano today.
I have prayers and a rosary and prescribed pills in case the isolation and loneliness gets too depressing or the storm (it's already icky out there) too scary.

And I have you. You who read this. And you, Birdie, EJ and JJ, who are so kind in commenting in friendship to me.

Yes, there is still goodness in the world, even my little corner of it.

Bless you each.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

My Life Has Just Fallen Apart

Hand or not, must write this.

J. was just here.
He was sweet and tender and loving and kind. And honest.
He has no desire to give this any try at all.

And the truth is he does have a right to his feelings.

I am in so much pain, and having mutilational thoughts. But - took my prescribed pill and will not hurt self, truly.
Friend coming over in a little while, and dr. later.

I am in so much pain and also numb at the same time, whether that makes sense or not. It just is.

I have loved this man for almost 30 years.
I have fucked it all up.

He was sweet and caring, but expressed that he believes it was never meant to be and that the core was never right. Based on each of our co-dependence etc. (He only mentioned his own).

He did not negate the romance, friendship, sex, and love we've had. He acknowledged it. But says has never felt - in any area: self, work, us, etc. - what he's finally begun to realize is available for the feeling. And he wants that. I cannot blame him.

Again, he was very nice, and caring. And even offered to fix my toilet. NOT trying to hurt me.

But he is a person. And he deserves to have happiness. And I do love him. Were I to try to trap him in ANY way, be it sex or guilt or pity or ANYTHING, that would be USING - not LOVE. I love him and want what's best for him.

My heart is broken in pieces.
I cannot even express it.

But he does miss me and I him. In the great friendship sense. He is open to that. AS LONG AS:
1. it does not give me false hopes - he very dearly wants to avoid that
and
2. if/when one of us becomes romantically involved with another, we probably couldn't continue our friendship because the other wouldn't want it.

I also don't want him to think that I am trying to manipulate things back.
I'm not. I do want what's best for him. And for me. And would love to be able to do some things together, like a movie or something. Which we were unable to do as long as this decision business was hanging over our heads.

He said that he knows if we tried - in terms of a future together - a or b or c, we could have some great times and maybe even romance, but that it would be like "painting over mildew." Because the core is not what he needs it to be.

I am drained. So much to say. Cannot say anymore right now I think.
Thank you so much for listening, if you are there.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Affirmations

thank you, universe, for delivering my wishes to me
J. loves me and we are healing our marriage
and i am an independent, complete, competent, whole, and desirable woman

some more grats (fewer cause still hand issues)

i'm grateful:

1. birdie's comment
2. piano teacher playing for video-tape on $100,000.00 piano, in her $3500.00 gown yesterday and i got to be there
3. was ok in a situation i used to be phobic in
4. today i worked on moving furniture in classroom by myself!
5. and it wasn't that bad (say i, one hot bath &3 pills later lol)
6. and i did a good job
7. got to coa mtg. last night
8. prayer
9. still hope about hubby
10. dear mother - i just got to take her to bank and shopping
11. person who thoi\ught i'd lost their check but i knew i didnt, found it - hadn't even given it to me
12. that i can walk
13. i don't work tonight
14. despite financial troubles, i can afford food etc.
15. bubble bath
16. fruit
17. flowers
18. doggie came to classroom with me today
19. i'm becoming more independent
20. and more whole
21. and even more desirable
22. that i wore a skirt yesterday
23. and nice shoes
24. i smelled good today
25. i can walk
26. and see
27. and talk
28. and breathe
29. starting to feel physically better now
30. will relax
31. then have healthy dinner
32. and sleep
33. God
34. a bed
35. water
36. couch
37. oa program
38. sponsor
39. M.
40. tht i dont have other 12-step-needing problems besides codependency and overeating
41. T.
42. J.


Sunday, August 21, 2011

Affirmations

i am strong
i am feminine
i am healthy
i am lovable
J loves me
the universe is so good to me
life is easy
life is good
all good things come to me
i am so grateful for the healing of my marriage

Trying to Type Gratitudes

I am grateful:

1. 8/7 about saying no: Language of Letting Go 8/7: “…if we don’t learn to say no, we stop liking ourselves and the people we always try to please. We may even punish others out of resentment
2. prayer
3. yesterday finishing the important book
4. every moment that I am calm
5. chance with J tonight
6. thumb doc today
7. mother to take shopping
8. and now 8/21: my new perfume
9. O’s friendship & how she is helping me as a girlfriend can help a girlfriend, to re-find my femininity
10. Yesterday w. MA and ML
11. And later O
12. That ML seemed more ok yesterday
13. That Gl is doing better after detox
14. That their family was together yesterday
15. That I’ll be at the piano video-taping – that’s exciting!
16. That I was there for MA last night regarding sick kitty
17. My new shoes – the prettiest or second prettiest pair of shoes I’ve ever had
18. The two great walks I’ve taken doggie on the last two days
19. How happy she was
20. How good it was for me
21. That being near (on!) me was such a comfort to her during the big storm
22. Seeing Jo this week!
23. And that after 3 years, it was as if we’d never been apart – like sisters
24. Day 9 of better eating
25. My keeping track of it on post-its in the den
26. That retreat ends and I can start getting my calls again
27. Laughter
28. That O has a very positive intuition about me and J
29. Hope
30. God in my life
31. Doggie’s enthusiastic personality
32. That I got to see Harry Potter in the theater
33. And The Help
34. That I can walk
35. That my hand is in the process of healing
BUT –that is all I can type even w my left hand today

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Must Post Good Things about Me

using left - hard to
but The Secret . . .

so

Good Things about Me:

great hair
pretty eyes [expressive, and gorgeous brown color)
long, pretty, shallow dimples in cheeks
beautiful high cheekbones
pretty ears
pretty smile
fine nose
great skin - very young-looking skin
good collarbones
large, full, nicely-shaped, feminine breasts
lovely skin on body too
waist that comes in
good arms
hands that look feminine but are strong
feminine rounded hips
hourglass figure
shapely legs
nice knees
good walk
strong legs
very pretty feet
good nails on hands and feet
continuing to lose weight

make people comfortable
good conversationalist
welcoming
honest
trustworthy
dependable
funny
smart
open-minded
good work ethic
nice taste
great to children
help their parents
can think quickly
very accomplished
3 degrees
at top of my profession
I play piano
I speak a little French
I do nice needlework of different types
I paint a bit
I'm a good learner

good friend to my friends

affectionate
sexual
loving

organized enough
growing up
very spiritual
have perserverence
I have integrity

I can forget hardships of the past in a nano-second, if the thing/relationship changes

Wow - I *am* lovable:)

--

And, a la The Secret, being thankful now as if it already is:

I am grateful that I am so pretty and healthily thin and tight and in great shape. I am grateful that I am sexy and irresistible to John. I'm so very grateful that J. loves me so much as his wife forever! I am so grateful that I make my own joy and am happy and fulfilled inside myself. I am so grateful that I am so desirable and have many fulfilling friendships in my life. Thank you, Universe!

==


Friday, August 12, 2011

Journal - My Intention, Put Out There Once and for All

And after this I *have to* stop typing!

The book The Secret says: Ask, Believe, Receive.
"The first step is to ask. make a command to the Universe. Let the Universe know what you want. The Universe responds to your thoughts."

***"What do you really want? Sit down and write it out on a piece of paper. Write it in the present tense. you might begin by writing, 'I am so happy and grateful now that..' And then explain how you want your life to be, in every area."***

"The first step is to ask. Make a command to the Universe. Let the Universe know what you want. The Universe responds to your thoughts."
"You get to choose what you want, but you must get clear about what you want. This is your work. If you're not clear, then the law of attraction cannot bring you what you want. You will be sending out a mixed frequency and you can only attract mixed results. for the first time in your life perhaps, work out what it is you really want. Now that you know you can have, be, or do anything, and there are no limits what do you want?"
...
"You do not have to ask over and over again. Just ask once. It is exactly like placing an order from a catalogue. you only ever ofder something once. you don't place an order and then doubt the order has been received and so place the order again, and then again, and then again. you order once. It is the same with the Creative Process. Step One is simply your step to get clear about what you want.As you get clear in our mind, you have asked."

So here goes:

I am so grateful now that J. and I are in a happy, healthy, married relationship. We are smiling at each other and laughing together and having fun and making love and touching each other with such joy! We are happy to spend time together. We are each fulfilled inside ourselves in our work lives and we take good care of our own health. We eat well and exercise and get good sleep in the right amount each night. We meditate. We have fun and adventures. We are committed to each other and so happy to be re-united together for life. We are happy happy happy. We have a present and future together. I am so grateful now that J. and I are beginning the rest of our lives in this stronger-than-ever before relationship together. I am so grateful to the Universe for bringing us to the spot where we now have a wonderful, blissful, in-love life together as man and wife. We are healthy and are living a long life together, happily, right through old age. How good the universe is to us! Thank you!

Must Document!

Shouldn't type - must document
Decided must revisit steps 1, 2, 3. Because binged night before last and yesterday...

Spoke to Sponsor.

I'm not on the retreat because must get ready for work this week but thinking about it and them...

So was praying hard this morning.
Heard loud bang. Maybe something in basement? Or outside? BIG!
Walked fr. den to l.r. to look and to look outside in case neighbors were out there because bigger than I thought, like explosion or earthquake or something (we've had before).
Something came over me.
Knelt right there and said, Father, Father, thank you. (Like for everything).
Lay prostrate to continue praying as I usually do for a few seconds in the morning.
Said, "Father. Father. I am Yours."
Stayed there.
Actually felt like the floor was lifting up with me on it. Lifting me up. Almost to the ceiling.
Was a tiny bit frightening, like, what if this is evil, so tried to stay with God who is all good. Tried to not run from it. And just kept saying "Father." "God."
Stayed there. It kept up.
Said the Our Father a couple of times because is how Jesus taught us to pray and wanted to do the right thing the right way.
It stayed.
Maybe a minute? Two? Don't know.
Started to ease.
Then said like one Our Father, one Hail Mary, one Glory Be, came back and slowly stood up.

I hope if someone sees this, they don't think I'm crazy. I thought about just putting it in Microsoft Word and not here. But I put ALL my truths here.
This really happened and I feel very blessed.
Wow.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

can't resist quick left hand typing grats

grateful that

got the car fixed -- very empowering
new Bible + switch = great
friends
showers
clothes
healthy foods
book The Secret
E.J.
JJ
Birdie
Kayleigh
Steve
Kris
J
mother
deceased father
water
hope
prayer
abstinence yesterday
great meeting last night
great hand doc
*maybe* can practice l. h. - maybe
stock market better for economy yesterday
dr. oz
life
work on self!



Tuesday, August 9, 2011

update - hand, self, husband

supposed to not use hand (splint) for more than 2 weeks!
but - will be fine :)
not able to type barely - l. h. = other issues

will be back here as can and then again fully in 2 - 3 weeks...

j. was receptive to listening to idea and i am very grateful for that
idea was this:

pick date like june or whatever
make decision then
not think about it til then
meantime spend some time together
as DID have romance, sex, friendship, love, means able to. since both changing, *might* be able to reconnect...

am doing for self all kinds of things used to rely on him for
truly growing and changing permanently!


asking God please heal our marriage

***please will you pray for that too

1. if you need special prayers, e-mail me at lynnblog@hotmail.com & i promise to pray for you daily
2. i already do in a way because i add prayer for "all those who read my blog even if i don't know who they are"

book The Secret says
ask
believe
receive

and act as if already

i highly recommend the book

(NOT the dvd!)

and so here are my affirmations/grats today:

I am grateful that the universe is meeting all my needs and wants
life is so easy
life is so good
the universe is giving me everything
i have j's love
we are so happy together

i'll be back!

xoxo

Monday, August 8, 2011

Prayer Request

(Typing hurts - can't do all (affirmations, grats, journal etc.)
seeing hand doc today)

***J. comes at 6.
***Please pray that his heart is open to me and my growth and my idea,
***so that there is hope for our marriage to someday heal.

I am growing and changing and ask for your prayers for us.

Thank you so much.

I'll type more as soon as I can, with doc's permission.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Yesterday's 100 Gratitudes, Finished and Posted Today

Pain –using l. h. only but still affects r.h …– trying - hurts – but I did it!

1. K calling
2. Us going out
3. Dinner
4. Walk at shopping center
5. Back here for movie
6. Cute movie
7. K e-mail today
8. M e-mail today
9. O saying we’re ok
10. Will do laundry –
11. Will not rush it
12. Mother sounds well
13. Fresh coffee
14. Maybe church later?
15. New Bible coming
16. Hope
17. Sponsor
18. Pain not AS bad
19. People who are nice, and not bullies
20. That I don’t feel suicidal
21. Breeze last night
22. Sleep last night
23. Health
24. That still doing spiritual work
25. That off from work
26. That eating better
27. The puppies yesterday
28. That K has a good plan for herself
29. And has started actions for it
30. Water
31. Freedom
32. That I can walk
33. That my kidneys work
34. Cell phones
35. Music
36. Vegetables available
37. Health
38. Evening now - Have not felt this way since my birthday! Actually smiling. Time iwth threegirlfriends, separately, in one day. And Mass. Good.
39. Mass
40. Eucharist
41. Mar explaining Gospel to me, since Mass turned out to be in Spanish
42. Dinner out
43. Mar insisted on paying
44. Day at K’s
45. Outside
46. Beautiful breeze
47. Sweetheart doggie
48. Gorgeous black cat
49. Butterflies
50. Many many flowers
51. Scrabble
52. Visit with her mother too
53. Chinese food veggies
54. They paid
55. And surprised me with them
56. Neighbor let us use his yard!
57. And great phone call with O
58. Snack and Two and Half Men now
59. Less pain today
60. Only one pill all day, yay
61. And one now for bed – glad have but also glad don’t need so many
62. I think Mar was planning to buy me a Bible – and was almost disappointed that I’d already done it, and that might be why she paid for dinner
63. K prayed for us right out loud in front of/with me!
64. I took a great walk to K’s house
65. And back. Walking. Good.
66. Next morning: done am work so far today
67. O called invited
68. Mau called invited to movie
69. Coda later
70. F.T. 8/6: OA appeared…when I ready
71. “illness forced me to look in that direction
72. “it was all left;no human power could relieve my compulsion
73. “F.t.: Am I open to suggestions Do I avoid judging without investigation Do I seek to know – and do – God’s will
74. 8/7”…What freedom to know I am not all-powerful – that I cannot make people play the roles I create for them, no matter how excellent the casting
75. lots more but typing hurts too much. “F.t. There is no finer way to treat people than to accept them as they are”
76. 8/6 Voices of Rec. about peace and comfort from NOT over-consuming but turning it over to my Higher Power
77. 8/6 In This Moment: growing up trying so hard to impress people to be accepted
78. as adult too
79. “In coda …dishonesty never helped me. I am honest when I share in meetings and people there accept me…trying to live healthier life…with the 12&12
80. 8/7 “…Power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.
81. “…my H.P. loves me unconditionally
82. “All need to do is surrender to that positive spiritual force”
83. Will go to O’s and finish my book and prepare for tomorrow, with God’s help
84. 8/6 Language of Letting Go: “Problems are made tp be solved!
85. “…the idea that problems occur regularly need never be a surprise.” Wow. Wish had realized sooner. Glad do now.
86. “ The good news is that for every problem, there’s a solution.
87. “Sometimes…something can do: other times need to struggle, flounder, do our part then trust H.P. for help.”
88. “…sometimes learning something
89. “sometimes get us headed in better direction
90. “can learn to accept problems
91. “can learn to solve problems
92. “can learn to trust our ability to solve problems
93. can learn discern which to solve/which leading in new way
94. focus on solution not on problem
95. “maintain positive attitude toward life and the inevitable flow of problems ad solutions
96. “Today I will learn to trust solutions, rather than be victimized by problems.
97. “…I will learn to trust the flow of problems and solutions
98. “God, help me solve the problems I can solve today.
99. “ help me let go of the rest.
100. “ Help me believe in my ability to tackle and solve problems.
101. ‘Help me trust the flow.
102. “For each problem there is a solution.”

Affirmations Today

i am happy
i am fulfilled
i am complete
i am in a great marriage with J

i am happy
i am fulfilled
i am complete
i am in a great marriage with J

i am happy
i am fulfilled
i am complete
i am in a great marriage with J

i am happy
i am fulfilled
i am complete
i am in a great marriage with J

Friday, August 5, 2011

Today's Affirmations

also afraid to not do affirmations today - hurts even though using left hand, but will do

i am loved by God
i am loved by J
i am loved by self
i am capable and confident
i am loved by family and friends
our marriage heals beautifully
we have a long, healhy, happy time together
i am healthy and energetic and happy
the universe is a friendly place that takes wonderful good care of me

100 Gratitudes a Day

Afraid to not do gratitudes at this point –
l.h. typing – gonna use few words & don’t care if repeats – just need to acknowledge gratitudes
but even though typing with left, still, neck or whatever, strains right a bit

I am grateful

1. didn’t kill self
2. relief from Jesus
3. water
4. life
5. pain pills
6. eye drops
7. vision
8. flowers in ground
9. indoor plants
10. flowers in vase
11. new Bible with explanations coming
12. hope about me & J
13. fewer pain pills & not as loopy today
14. some relief from wrist splint
15. praying
16. 4 days in a row of good clean eating
17. shelter
18. and that it is a house
19. hear birds right now
20. trees
21. soil
22. grass
23. wildflowers
24. meadows
25. fog
26. that I have gotten to fly in planes
27. Buddhism
28. Catholicism
29. Roseanne show today – nervous (J) & it helps me relax
30. Every second of peace I ever have
31. Friends + support, including MA
32. ML
33. Mau
34. Mar
35. M
36. O
37. St
38. S
39. Jo
40. Other jo
41. Great opthamologist
42. Eyesight
43. Hearing
44. Good enough internist
45. Good hand doc
46. Shrink
47. Mother
48. All time had with fabulous father before he died
49. Ji and the time I had with him
50. J’s health
51. All the time I have had with J
52. Opportunity to do church thing tomorrow maybe ( if doesn’t rely on writing like sometimes) if wany
53. N’s scripture phone call this morning
54. Blessed Sacrament this morning
55. Mar driving me
56. RM giving little talk there too
57. Lentils
58. Oranges
59. Chatting a little wit mau last night, even though she can be difficult seeming so angry & all, and her asking me to pray specifically for her willingness. Which I’ve already done & will continue to do of course
60. That I did remember to pray in bed this morning – great & important habit
61. Coffee with vanilla almond milk
62. Hope
63. Don’t know how much is which of these factors: God, prayer, daily spiritual habits these months, good clean eating these days, days when not having to directly face J & rejection even though that might be denial, hope real or false, beginnings of acceptance, or even the narcotic pain pills…but in any event I’m grateful for the relief I sometimes have not so terrified regarding J.
64. Don’t “have to” do anything today
65. The health I have
66. My job
67. And – that I’m off right now
68. Good books
69. Religious freedom
70. Freedom of speech
71. Archie comics
72. The few pedicures a year I get to have
73. Laughter
74. Sense of humor
75. Heat
76. a/c
77. Windows
78. Blue sky
79. Cumulous clouds
80. The amazing oak tree out front
81. The acting I’ve done in plays
82. Authenticity in my real life now
83. The Blessed Mother
84. Piano, even though I can’t do it now
85. The color blue
86. The color yellow
87. Red and yellow together
88. I live in a peaceful area
89. My home feelssafe
90. Minnie mouse
91. Thich nhat hahn
92. Mother teresa
93. Princess Diana
94. Our principal
95. Our superintendent of schools
96. Our union president
97. Our board of ed, relatively sane
98. People who at least partially get it., and appreciate teachers
99. My tv
100. My computer
101. My car
102. My hair
103. My brain

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Can't Post for a Bit:(

thumb/hand/wrist
very bad
2 persocets and still knocking-the-breath-out-of-me pain
literally knocks the breath right out of me
splint on its way too
dr - specialist - appointment monday - he's away til then
may not be able to post - even sitting up to use left hand ... everything painful - can't even lift coffee cup or turn doorknob...
I was in an accident years ago which laid me up for a year and never felt anything as severely painful as this

NOT COMPLAINING!

just saying
will have to see if the surgery is needed, and/or immobilization...
MAY not be able to post for days or even weeks.

VERY sad about that

can't type any more

HOPE HOPE HOPE to see you when back

Love!
Lynn

100 Gratitudes a Day

I am grateful:

1. I am starting early, the night before because things have just happened to add to my gratitudes! E called. And they want *me * to give the Word to a couple of people a day! I’m so honored about his opportunity for service!
2. I said the person who does it for me really knows what she’s doing, and I would never be able to do that so well like that. And she said I will learn by doing. Nice.
3. But also – I said I really need some kind of training to do it any kind of justice for the people and she said they have it! Every Saturday! Yay!
4. And – the drugstore got here with my pills and my thumb/wrist is so greatly relieved.
5. And – the dr. *did * call back! Yay. I just talked to him.
6. Unfortunately, he said it is probably yet another condition : ( But – then again, that could be better news – who knows? And – it means I probably don’t have to worry about surgery right now…
7. Oh – and E really is encouraging me to go to the 10-day retreat. I don’t think I can give that many days, but I will probably do the first few. Or at least talk to one of the sisters about my concerns, and to my Sp as well.
8. O is on her way and we’re going out to dinner.
9. And I actually had a really nice time out with her last night. It’s so good to be able to enjoy girlfriends after all these years.
10. And I’m not so upset about the “mean girls” from today at all anymore.
11. And I spoke with MA today
12. And I do feel hopeful about J
13. And F from last night’s meeting called me.
14. And I’m happy for O that she handles the selfish/awful situation from G so well last night!
15. And I’m so happy that I’m able to be happy for other people.
16. And E said she would pray for my hand.
17. And biggy – the dr. said although it will hurt to do things, I will not be doing any kind of long-term damage. Yay. Because I really need to do things with my hand, like piano, and typing, and cooking, etc. to keep my sanity. Plus, I have to do dishes and laundry and cleaning and garbage out and showering etc. Plus soon I have to do my classroom. But most of all, I have to – well, I very much have a less difficult time when I can – do things with my hands to keep sane at this most difficult time of my life so far.
18. I am grateful for blogs. I am grateful for the opportunity to chronicle here, and to read the few I read (people who come here)..
19. I am grateful that I just went out for Thai food with O
20. And it was delicious
21. And healthy
22. And not expensive
23. And we had such a very nice time
24. This morning now. I am so grateful that I called Mar
25. First of all, she had fallen back asleep, so it kept her from missing church or being late for work or both
26. Secondly, she took me to the church
27. And, she will take me tomorrow
28. It was beautiful
29. I am not so worried about time, schedule, etc. I’m grateful for that.
30. And that interestingly, today’s passage was about that too.
31. And that I loved the Bible E lent me: Christian Community Bible Catholic Pastoral Edition
32. And I’m going to buy it today, with my gift certificate.
33. Today’s For Today: “When I am tempted to give advice, I need to practice the discipline of listening, instead. That is real closeness, without barriers.” Hard one. But probably is true. Need to let it sink in.
34. And “For today: I freely give to others what this program has given me, remembering that the only authority here is God as each of us understands God.”
35. Today’s Voices of Recovery: “Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. Step Six.” Important one.
36. … if broken arm set incorrectly…“A good surgeon could carefully re-break that arm and reset it so it would function perfectly. However, such an operation would be quite painful and could require many months to heal. Step Six suggests removing old, destructive habits. One of my old habits was eating food that would ‘stick to my ribs.’ I also experienced dramatic emotional swings.” Yes! That’s me!
37. “It has taken many years to change old eating habits and emotional reactions. But my Higher Power was the very skilled surgeon, and He was helped by the members of Overeaters Anonymous.
38. “Though the process was often painful, it resulted in a useful, happy life.
39. “I have learned that when the pain of where I am is worse than the fear of where I’m going.” Wow.
40. “I welcome change.” Yes!
41. I am so disappointed in this hand/thumb/wrist business. BUT – IF I have to immobilize for 2 weeks, hmmm, what better way than to go to that retreat? ! Maybe it’s meant to be. Because sitting here without being able to use piano or computer…will drive me crazy so to speak. But I *could * use that time well by going to the retreat. So we’ll see.
42. That I got an appointment with the hand specialist for Monday.
43. That there are a couple of movies out that I would like to see. That’s just a pure luxury.
44. And – if I go on the right day, it can be free! Talk about luxury!
45. I called St. and she and I might get together later or tomorrow.
46. And – I mentioned that I’d avoided calling for 2 or 3 weeks because I was down and didn’t want to be a burden so I was working on it myself and she said she does NOT think of it that way.
47. I’m grateful that I called the bookstore to see if they had that Bible. They don’t, and suggested when I asked, that it would take longer for them to order it than for me to get it online.
48. So, I ordered it online.
49. And – it should be here in two days *without * paying for 2 day delivery due to special deal! I’m excited! It has such wonderful notes!
50. Today’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I’m comfortable with myself.”
51. And it says: “Now I know what I am.
52. I’m codependent. And I have good news – I have a CoDA home group.
53. “OPne day at a time, I react differently.
54. “My self-talk is more positive.
55. “I’m beginning to like myself as I am.
56. “Some people may not like me and that’s OK now.” Important for me to read that.
57. “If the cost of their approval is to deny my true self, the price is too high.
58. “Every day I work my recovery, and with God’s guidance, I’m making changes.”
59. And Jesus was defiled and remained loving. What an example (understatement).
60. I don’t know about this. It’s a little confusing to me. But it must be true. In today’s Language of Letting Go, it says: “I’ve learned that the more vulnerable I allow myself to be, the more in control of myself I really am. – Anonymous:
61. “Many of us feel that we can only show our strong, confident side. We believe the face we have to show to the world should *always * be one of politeness, perfection, calm, strength, and control.” Well, yeah, I do feel that about work face. But – now I have program, and I don’t have to do it there.
62. It goes on to say: “While it is certainly good and often appropriate to be in control, calm, and strong, there is another side to all of us – that part of us that feels needy,
63. becomes frightened,
64. has doubts,
65. and gets angry.” And I’ve listed them separately because I am grateful to acknowledge each one.
66. “That part of us that needs care,
67. Love,
68. and reassurance that things will be okay.
69. “Expressing these needs makes us vulnerable and less than perfect, but this side needs our acceptance too.”
70. And Thich Nhat Hahn speaks of this also. About the way a mother comforts her crying baby; that that is the way we should comfort our pain, anger, etc.
71. And it goes on to say: “Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable will help us build lasting relationships. “ Wow.
72. “Sharing our vulnerabilities helps us feel close to people
73. and helps others feel close to us.
74. “It helps us grow in self-love
75. and self-acceptance.
76. “It helps us become healing agents.
77. “It allows us to become whole and accessible to others.
78. “Today, I will allow myself to be vulnerable with others when it’s safe and appropriate to do so.”
79. I am so grateful that during this very painful hand pain time, worse than any pain I can remember ever feeling, including after the accident when I was out of commission for a year, that I am not at work these days. So I can just do what needed for self. Like, laundry is painful; heck, I can’t even hold a coffee cup. But at least I’m not at work, or having to be on that schedule. I can take my time and take it easy and do the things I have to do, one at a time, little by little.
80. That they’re about to deliver the splint.
81. Roseanne show repeats – stupid, but cheering me up
82. That this horrible horrible pain does serve a good purpose - it makes me feel that indeed, J. is *not* the absolute most important thing in the world. Long explanation, can't type it - but I'm grateful for that lesson.


Physically cannot type anymore

My Daily Affirmations Today

I have a purpose.
I am fine.
I am healthy.
I am happy.
I am fulfilled.
I am in a wonderful marriage with J.

I have a purpose.
I am fine.
I am healthy.
I am happy.
I am fulfilled.
I am in a wonderful marriage with J.

I have a purpose.
I am fine.
I am healthy.
I am happy.
I am fulfilled.
I am in a wonderful marriage with J.

I have a purpose.
I am fine.
I am healthy.
I am happy.
I am fulfilled.
I am in a wonderful marriage with J.

I have a purpose.
I am fine.
I am healthy.
I am happy.
I am fulfilled.
I am in a wonderful marriage with J.

I have a purpose.
I am fine.
I am healthy.
I am happy.
I am fulfilled.
I am in a wonderful marriage with J.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Today's One Hundred Gratitudes

I am grateful:

1. Today’s For Today: “God…answering prayers in surprising ways, giving me solutions to problems I was hardly aware of,
2. Removing obsessions and excesses I didn’t want to believe I had.” Yes, like when I thought J was the one with the “addiction”; meanwhile I have them too!
3. And it says, “God has replaced resentment with serenity,
4. Confusion with direction.
5. “I never knew what to pray for before, but in taking the first three steps, I sought – and received – a way to live free of the obsession with food.”
6. Okay, and I didn’t *want * to see this but, it does say: “What do I pray for? The relief of pain? The satisfaction of my desires, the fulfillment of my every wish? It makes little difference what I pray for because God is in charge; I don’t sway God. God gives me what I need,
7. God gives me what I need, not what I want”
8. And “For today: As I grow accustomed to prayer, it becomes a part of my life. I pray as I am moved to pray, sure that God’s love embraces me every time.”
9. I’m so grateful that I still have my mother.
10. And that the hand specialist’s assistant called back.
11. And what she said did give me hope.
12. And the dr himself will call later.
13. And that I shared that with my mother.
14. And that A from the meeting last night, felt that he remembered me from the years-ago Sat. night meetings “You used to sit in the back by the piano).
15. Today’s Voices of Recovery: “’…After all, nobody expects us to be perfect,’ we say. ‘We strive for progress, not perfection.’ Such reasoning only delays our recovery. The Sixth Step calls for us to be entirely ready to have God remove all our defecgs of character. Those of us who take this Step with the total commitment required to make it work do indeed strive for the ultimate refinement of our character.” OA 12 and 12 p. 55
16. “In Step Six, I use love, insight, and vision to release my current identity and self-image and open myself to further growth and recovery.
17. “I remember my ideals and dreams,
18. and I pay attention to them.
19. “The Sixth Step is not about being controlled or coerced toward perfection, as my disease would have me believe.
20. “Rather, I prepare to become lighter: more fully me,
21. more fully aware
22. and living in my heart’s desire.
23. “I envision a new self,
24. with the intention of letting my Higher Power and my experiences bring me closer to who I really am.
25. “While this is at times, a gradual and contemplative process, I am also in the Sixth Step any time I approach my life with openness to what the moment may show me.”
26. Today’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I’m open to tring what works for others.
27. “My sponsor shared that he gets on his knees eery morning and prays.
28. “He shared that it immediately made a dramatic change in how his life was going.
29. “I knew I should follow his example, but at first I wanted nothing to do with getting on my knees. Becoming subservient to anyone or anything was not on my ‘to do’ list. But I humbled myself and began getting on my knees every morning just to see what would happen. Now, I know that I had been trying to run the show.” Wow.
30. “I didn’t fully trust my Higher Power.” Wow.
31. “I was so surprised when the same thing happened to me.” Wow.
32. “My life began to change.” Wow.
33. Today’s Language of Letting Go: “So much of what I call my codependency is fear and panic because I spent so much of my life feeling abused, trapped, and not knowing how to take care of myself in relationships.” Anonymous. This is very powerful for me.
34. “No matter how long we have been recovering, we may still tend to give up our power to others, whether they be authority figures, a new love, or a child.” Yes. This is me.
35. “When we do this, we experience the sett of emotions and thoughts we call ‘the codependent crazies.’
36. “We may feel angry, guilty, afraid, confused, and obsessed.” Yes!
37. “We may feel dependent and needy or become overly controlling and rigid.” Yes!
38. “We may return to familiar behaviors during stress.” Yes!
39. “And for those of us who have codependency and adult children issues, relationships can mean stress.” Yes!
40. “We don’t have to stay stuck in our codependency.” Oh, thank God!
41. “We don’t have to shame or blame ourselves, or the other person, for our condition.” Oh good.
42. “We simply need to remember to own our power.” Hopeful.
43. How? I’m thinking. And right then it goes on to say: “Practice. Practice. Practice using you power to take care of yourself, no matter who you are dealing with, where you are, or what you are doing.” Wow. Yes. Okay.
44. “This is what recovery means.”
45. “This does not mean we try to control others;” Ouch. But important.
46. “it does not mean we become abrasive or abusive.” Okay.
47. “It means we own our power to take care of ourselves.” Wow. I keep hearing and seeing this over and over.
48. “The thought of doing this may generate fears. That’s normal!” Oh, good, because it does generate fears in me!
49. “Take care of yourself anyway. The answers, and the power to do that, are within you now.” Wow. Okay. Good.
50. “Start today.
51. “Start where you are.
52. “start by taking care of who you are, at the present moment, to the best of your ability.”
53. And that is all hope, for me.
54. I’m grateful that I’m not mean like some people are.
55. I am grateful that I just meditated. And that it helped with the stress from the mean people.
56. And that I posted it for my meditating friends to come on too.
57. And that I just did a CoDA –related Process Writing. And I think that helped too : )
58. I’m grateful that I tried Sp back just now, even though not available.
59. And I’m grateful that I feel hopeful about my precious thumb.
60. That Sp did call me back.
61. Twice even (because my dr. was here)
62. Then I reached Sp, who did help me with my Step Eight question.
63. That my dr. *was * here.
64. That he stayed 1 ½ hours.
65. And helped me.
66. And I feel better than this morning.
67. And – since hand dr. never called back : ( at least dr. got me pain pill to get me through. It’s already down to low-grade instead of sweating and breathless pain. Thank goodness.
68. That I did manage to shower
69. And do the dishes (despite the pain)
70. And – to *finally * get the bottle of pain pills open! Lol
71. That O called
72. And M called
73. And I’m going out with O this evening
74. And I did all my am work today
75. And I will call the hand dr again tomorrow, and kind of insist on talking to him.
76. And – gulp – that I will e-mail J in the morning about our upcoming talk.
77. Tomorrow is Coda
78. And because date changing, it’s *also * Sunday, so two this week!
79. I managed to get in touch with that woman and straighten out the confusion about the OA rent check. Phew.
80. My health.
81. Every moment of serenity I’ve ever had.
82. That I can get another pair of glasses finally now, with insurance.
83. That my eye drops came.
84. That even though money is tight, I can afford my medications.
85. That Ch spoke at the meeting last night.
86. And got support, and different kinds of it.
87. That with this pill, I’ll be able tomorrow to make the lentil soup and the hummus soup, which I couldn’t do yesterday or today.
88. And even to drive to the store for the 2 ingredients.
89. That they *will * be able, as I found out tonight, to apply the money I already paid for the course I couldn’t take this week, to the course I’ll take in the fall. That’s a relief.
90. That as a person who does not have problem with alcohol, and has 4-6 times a year a little drink, I was able to enjoy one last night.
91. That in the moment I am always – almost always – always – safe.
92. That although I have never had a problem with pills, and certainly don’t want or expect to ever have one, I must admit this pain pill is helping me not worry about my problems right now. So what I’m grateful for is that I have never had a problem with pills, and that I’m not worrying right now, both.
93. That I expect that my daily meditation practice is going to help me too.
94. And I still have lots more days off.
95. And I’m not dreading work either.
96. And I think by Friday I will straighten out that situation with the unused room. In a home this tiny, like a little apartment, it’s silly to leave a room unused.
97. God. I’m so grateful for God.
98. Tomorrow I get to choose between CoDA and the church thing. A nice choice to have.
99. That I do pray for others every morning.
100. That I’m about to practice Chopin, yay.

One Hundred Gratitudes Today - Yesterday's Finished

I am grateful:

1. I am grateful that I have thumbs. Now that my right thumb is acting up again, it reminds me.
2. I think I can do some repeats today because I need to stay in a state of gratitude for some very big things that I would hate to never mention again. Like, I am grateful that I have food.
3. And water.
4. And that I don’t have chronic diarrhea. (Having talked to someone this morning who does).
5. And that N. called me this morning with scripture.
6. I’m grateful that I did some meditation this morning.
7. And that Sponsor helped me. Shared about *deciding * to have good attitude.
8. Shared that sometimes gets into the “why me’s” but generally not
9. Shared about the gift of life and loving having it
10. I’m grateful that I stayed abstinent yesterday and last night when it was tough to
11. And that K called me, which is the only reason I didn’t go have “one more thing” last night
12. And that I plan to cook today
13. And that although I got outside too late for the garbage pick-up : ( I did water the flowers
14. And they are all alive
15. And that doggie wasn’t here alone during the thunder
16. That I didn’t kill myself when I wanted to. That would have been hard on some others, and such a waste, and I wouldn’t be here to have any of the good.
17. Today’s For Today: “For today: The best discipline is love.”
18. Today’s Voices of Recovery: “As we become aware of what our eating guidelines should be, we ask God for the willingness and the ability to live within them each day. We ask and we receive, first the willingness, and then the ability. We can count on this without fail.” OA 12 & 12 p. 23
19. “…I got on my knees and asked for the willingness and the ability to live within my eating guidelines and to practice the Twelve Steps for that day.
20. “Since then I’ve discovered that I can count on it without fail – on day, one minute at a time.”
21. I feel very tired of needing this program and of working this program. BUT – I am grateful that I *have * this program.
22. And for the minutes of peace I have had.
23. And that there is hope!
24. Today’s In This Moment: In This Moment, I live the Steps.” Important.
25. And this is hopeful: “It’s not necessarily what I know that helps me grow, but, rather, how I apply what I know.”
26. Today’s Language of Letting Go: “Sometimes, to get from where we are to where we are going, we have to be willing to be in-between.” Hard. But good to hear that it’s not just me, but it’s necessary.
27. “We can be in between behaviors as we let go of the old and are not certain what we will replace it with.
28. I think this can apply to compulsive overeating.
29. And it also says, “This can apply to behaviors that have protected and served us well all of our life, such as caretaking and controlling.”
30. “We may have many feelings going on when we’re in-between: spurts of grief about what we have let go of or lost, and feelings of anxiety, fear, and apprehension about what’s ahead. These are normal feelings for the in-between place. Accept them. Feel them. Release them.” Wow.
31. “Being in-between isn’t fun, but it’s necessary.
32. “It will not last forever.
33. “It may feel like we’re standing still, but we’re not. We’re standing at the in-between place. It’s how we get from here to there. It is not the destination.
34. “We are moving forward, even when we’re in-between.
35. “Today, I will accept where I am as the ideal place for me to be. If I am in-between, I will strive for the faith that this place is not without purpose, that it is moving me toward something good.”
36. The flowers in the back, which have been filling in and are so colorful and cheerful the purples and the corals
37. And the flowers in the front which are pretty too
38. And I see them all every day.
39. The book The Secret
40. And that I’m re-reading it today, right now.
41. Learning about the law of attraction.
42. That I am free
43. That I can speak my mind
44. Practice any religion I like or none
45. That I’ve become a Buddhist
46. That they named me, “True Compassion of the Heart.”
47. Our two pretty rugs
48. Next morning. I’m grateful that I got through yesterday, despite the terrible thumb pain.
49. And that I did shower
50. And get dressed nicely
51. And put makeup on
52. And go to a meeting
53. And that I went with O
54. And saw Ch
55. And he offered to show me and O some other great meetings
56. And 3 women and I exchanged phone numbers
57. And it was a great meeting
58. And that afterward, when I really strongly felt like overeating, O said no – let’s go out
59. So we went out
60. And we had a nice time. And I didn’t overeat
61. I’m grateful for the beautiful dream I had about me and J
62. And I think there were some hints in it about what to do
63. And I think there was a message in it
64. I’m grateful that I’m off today
65. And can work on my stuff
66. I’m grateful that although I really didn’t want to, I did put in a call to the doctor
67. And I do expect them to get back to me
68. I’m grateful that there is hope for this thumb
69. And that although so tired, I did call Sp this am
70. And that when I said I needed more sleep, Sp said I could call later
71. And that the government said not going to touch Social Security, at least according to my mother
72. And that that’s a relief for her
73. And probably for J too
74. That my dr comes today
75. That N called this morning with the scripture thing
76. And it sounds like she’s really tailoring it to me. Or maybe it’s coincidence, but either way it’s beautiful
77. I’m grateful that O and I are planning to go back to the gym
78. And that I ate fruits yesterday
79. And veggies
80. And protein
81. And water
82. And grain
83. And for this horrible new commercial and the bravery of the man to be on there, which helps keep me from going back to smoking
84. I am grateful that I did my thumb exercise yesterday.
85. And did the warm water soaking.
86. And that I have the time to do those again today.
87. And that this morning it is not as bad as yesterday morning.
88. And that I have 3 good healing books to read.
89. I am grateful for open NA meetings, as I do not have a drug problem but am allowed there and do find them helpful with my overeating problem.
90. I am grateful that I made the chili yesterday.
91. And had some for a nice dinner.
92. And froze some.
93. And there’s more for today.
94. And that I made fresh coffee this morning.
95. And that MA said I can call her cell phone while she’s away. Only 4 of the 12 days she won’t be available by cell phone.
96. But last time she did give me Jo’s number, and maybe will this time…
97. And that she loves me.
98. And that she did manage to get a hold of that cat sitter.
99. That I’m reducing sodium a bit, finally.
100. And my 2 new bras that I got Sunday.

My Daily Affirmations Today

I am a child of God. He is my Father.
The universe is a safe and friendly place.
I am healthy and well.
I am a strong, independent, whole woman.
J. loves me.
Our marriage is healing.
We are happy together forever.

I am a child of God. He is my Father.
The universe is a safe and friendly place.
I am healthy and well.
I am a strong, independent, whole woman.
J. loves me.
Our marriage is healing.
We are happy together forever.

I am a child of God. He is my Father.
The universe is a safe and friendly place.
I am healthy and well.
I am a strong, independent, whole woman.
J. loves me.
Our marriage is healing.
We are happy together forever.

I am a child of God. He is my Father.
The universe is a safe and friendly place.
I am healthy and well.
I am a strong, independent, whole woman.
J. loves me.
Our marriage is healing.
We are happy together forever.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Our Chili

Our Chili
(This one DOES use some “fake meat stuff.” But it’s really easy, quick, delicious, and helps us with weight loss, so I thought I’d include it here)

*Also very well received at pot-luck type gatherings.
*And great on a work-night.
*Freezes very well
*I even like it cold the next day as well as reheated!

Ingredients:
4 Boca Burgers (vegan - 1 box) OR Lightline grounds (12 oz) + 2 gardein "chicken" (5 oz) scallopini
2 cans (15-ounce each) red kidney beans – with the liquid
2 cans (15-ounce each) stewed tomatoes – with the liquid
2 large Spanish onions
1/3 jar salsa
Earth Balance (soy margarine)

Directions:
Fry the onions in the soy margarine. (Soften in covered pan, then remove lid to let them brown).
Meanwhile:
In large pot (Dutch oven is fine), heat the kidney beans and stewed tomatoes.
Microwave the burgers. Chop them up.
When they’re ready, add the burgers to the pot.
When they’re ready, add the onions to the pot.
Add the salsa to the pot.
Bring to boil for a second, then lower to simmer, with lid on but askew.
Simmer 35 minutes, stirring occasionally, and after 15 minutes, add a tablespoon of vinegar.

--

More Affirmations to Attract the Good by My Thoughts

I am pretty
I am fit
I am thin
I am attractive
I am sexy. I always have been
J. loves me.
J. chooses to live here in marriage with me.
We are so happy together.
We awake together and go to sleep together.
We both function.
Our lives are full.
Our life together is full.

I am pretty.
I am fit.
I am thin.
I am attractive.
I am sexy. I always have been.
J. loves me.
J. chooses to live here in marriage with me.
We are so happy together.
We awake together and go to sleep together.
We both function.
Our lives are full.
Our life together is full.

I am pretty.
I am fit.
I am thin.
I am attractive.
I am sexy. I always have been.
J. loves me.
J. chooses to live here in marriage with me.
We are so happy together.
We awake together and go to sleep together.
We both function.
Our lives are full.
Our life together is full.

I am pretty.
I am fit.
I am thin.
I am attractive.
I am sexy. I always have been.
J. loves me.
J. chooses to live here in marriage with me.
We are so happy together.
We awake together and go to sleep together.
We both function.
Our lives are full.
Our life together is full.

I am pretty.
I am fit.
I am thin.
I am attractive.
I am sexy. I always have been.
J. loves me.
J. chooses to live here in marriage with me.
We are so happy together.
We awake together and go to sleep together.
We both function.
Our lives are full.
Our life together is full.

Affirmation Today

I am alive
I am happy
I am loved
Our marriage is healed

I am alive
I am happy
I am loved
Our marriage is healed

I am alive
I am happy
I am loved
Our marriage is healed

I am alive
I am happy
I am loved
Our marriage is healed

I meditate daily
My life is full
I live fully in the day

I am healthy
My thumb is healed permanently
All is well

Monday, August 1, 2011

My One Hundred Gratitudes Today

I am grateful:

1. From today’s Language of Letting Go: “Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life.
2. “It turns what we have into enough, and more.
3. “It turns denial into acceptance, chaosto order, confusion to clarity.
4. “It can turn a meal into a feast,
5. a house into a home,
6. a stranger into a friend.
7. “It turns problems into gifts,
8. failures into successes,
9. the unexpected into perfect timing,
10. and mistakes into important events.
11. “It can turn an existence into a real life,
12. and disconnected situations into important and beneficial lessons.
13. “Gratitude makes sense of our past,
14. brings peace for today,
15. and creates a vision for tomorrow.
16. “Gratitude makes things right.
17. “Gratitude turns negative energy into positive energy.
18. “There is no situation or circumstance so small or large that it is not susceptible to gratitude’s power.
19. “We can start with who we are and what we have *today *, apply gratitude, then let it work its magic.” Huge. Wow. Big. Didn’t really know this.
20. “Say thank you, until you mean it. If you say it long enough, you will believe it.
21. “Today, I will shine the transforming light of gratitude on all the circumstances of my life.”
22. I am grateful that I went with O and G and the girls to the park.
23. And that I had a park pass to use.
24. And that the storm passed and they got back in.
25. And that I read more of the important book.
26. And I’m grateful that I took my mother to the bank and shopping
27. And that she wasn’t in as much pain
28. And that I was nice to her
29. And that I get to be with her
30. And that eating veggies and getting fresh air started to turn my mood around
31. And that I’m not feeling anywhere near as badly as I was this morning
32. And that Ka called me!
33. And I’m kind of sponsoring her. At least getting her started! Yay!
34. And that will keep me clean too!
35. And that tomorrow I’ll get to the gym
36. And a meeting
37. And that K called
38. And she did change that meeting that happens to be so hard for me to get to! So now I’ll be able to get to it.
39. And the change is better for most of us anyway.
40. I’m thankful to God for every moment of peace He gives me
41. And to myself for every one of them I allow myself
42. And for practicing some Bach twice today
43. And contributing to the little girls’ happiness at the water park today
44. And what I’m learning from the important relationship book
45. And that I’m back into program habit.
46. And that I’ve followed my food plan so far today, thank you God.
47. And that I bought groceries.
48. And that, especially because they’re *so * expensive now (!), I am making more things homemade.
49. And that this week I’ll have hummus soup.
50. And chili.
51. And lentil soup
52. And beautiful salads
53. And healthy yummy cereal
54. And Ezekial bread
55. And oranges
56. And nectarines
57. And vanilla almond milk
58. And peanut butter
59. And walnuts
60. And pecans
61. And cooked veggies
62. And Chinese veggies I already have too
63. And coffee
64. And tea
65. And plums
66. And prunes
67. And that I bought orange juice for my mother.
68. And that I haven’t had to fill my gas tank this week.
69. And that I did give O money because she’s been driving so much.
70. And that I have clean clothes to wear for tomorrow.
71. And that I will tomorrow make the two soups and the chili and do laundry and read my book
72. AND get out!
73. And that I have gorgeous pale yellow baby carnations right now.
74. And that they were only $4.00.
75. And that I took care of my treasury obligations at OA by recording everything including for the 2 weeks I missed
76. And I got the rent check in.
77. And I sent the Inter-group money out.
78. And I mailed my time-sheet to school so I can get paid for my summer work
79. And that K wants to get together with me soon.
80. And that I really am learning the importance of building a self/a life/independence. Not to *be * alone. But to *be * okay. Alone or in a relationship.
81. And it will only give me a better chance in relationship anyway.
82. And that N will call in the morning with the gospel words.
83. And that I just donated a little bit to the breast cancer walk my dear cousin is doing.
84. And that I’m about to have dinner. I’m so sorry for people who can’t, and will eat mine mindful of that.
85. And that I can watch a little tv, not repeats
86. And go to bed
87. And NOT binge-eat for this one day.
88. I am grateful that I prayed today
89. And started reading the feelings book that came with the magnets too
90. And that St called. I will call her back.
91. And that R was cheerful on the phone with me.
92. And that I think I was able to help Ka tonight with getting started.
93. And I will take out the garbage in the morning. It’s already down the stairs. I just have to move it to the curb.
94. And I *will * water the flowers!
95. And I’m grateful it rained today so I didn’t have to : )
96. That there is still hope for our marriage
97. Laughter
98. No sunburn today
99. Good sunglasses
100. And that I’m wearing them!
101. Good reading glasses
102. The beautiful park.

Yesterday's 100 Gratitudes, Finished and Posted Today

I am grateful:

1. Today’s In This Moment goes on to say: “I find an environment where I feel safe, such as a CoDA meeting, where I can express a full range of emotions.
2. “It’s such a relief not to worry about being judged or criticized.” That *is * a gift.
3. And it says “I now know what my feelings are and I express them in healthy ways. Thank you, CoDA!” Okay.
4. Today’s Language of Letting Go says: “For those of us who have survived by controlling and surrendering, letting go may not come easily.” Beyond Codependency
5. It says: “In recovery, we learn that it is important to identify what we want and need. Where does this concept leave us? With a large but clearly identified package of currently unmet wants and needs. We’ve taken the risk to stop denying and to start accepting what we want and need. The problem is, the want or need hangs there, unmet.” Yes.
6. And “This can be a frustrating, painful, annoying, and sometimes obsession-producing place to be.” Yes!
7. “After identifying our needs, there is a next step in getting our wants and needs met. This step is one of the spiritual ironies of recovery. The next step is letting go of our wants and needs after we have taken painstaking steps to identify them.” What?! Okay. I’m grateful for this lesson. But nervous.
8. Then it says: “We let them go, we give them u p- on a mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical level. Sometimes, this means we need to *give up. * It is not always easy to get to this place, but this is usually where we need to go.” Uh oh. But I’m learning. . .
9. “how often I have denied a want or need, then gone through the steps to identify my needs, only to become annoyed, frustrated, and challenged because I don’t have what I want and don’t know how to get it. If I then embark on a plan to control or influence getting that want or need met, I usually make things worse. Searching, ring to control the process, does not work. I must, I have learned to my dismay, let go.” Uh oh. But this makes sense: “Sometimes, I even have to go to the point of saying, ‘I don’t want it. I realize it’s important to me, but I cannot control obtaining that in my life.’ “ Ah.
10. And “ ‘Now, I don’t care anymore if I have it or not. In fact, I’m going to be absolutely happy without it and without any hope of getting it, because hoping to get it is making me nuts – the more I hope and try to get it, the more frustrated I feel because I’m not getting it.” True. Good.
11. It says, “I don’t know why the process works this way. I know only that this is how the process works for me. I have found no way around the concept of letting go.”
12. And “We often can have what we really want and need, or something better. Letting go is part of what we do to get it.”
13. And “Today, I will strive to let go of those wants and needs that are causing me frustration. I will enter them on my goal list, then struggle to let go. I will trust God to bring me the desires of my heart, in God’s time and in God’s way.”
14. Recovery Meditation: “How many times do we beat ourselves because we have failed to attain the goals we have set? We are human and we suffer from a disease that renders us helpless and out of control. Is it any wonder that we fail in trying to conquer such an unforgiving beast?
15. “It is not ourselves we should be angry with, but the disease and how it affects our actions and reactions.
16. “Our inability -- or unwillingness -- to realize that we cannot achieve recovery alone is our only true failure. We need help.
17. “Without it we are weak and defenseless. This disease would have us believe we are failures ~ but in reality, all we have done is open the doors to our enemy. These doors can be closed again.
18. Huge: “Our disease not only manifests itself in the form of uncontrollable eating, but also in our negative thoughts and actions towards ourselves and towards the people around us.
19. “It takes no more time to think positively than it does to think negatively.
20. “Our only job is to remember that we have a disease. We can choose to forget it, we can choose to beat ourselves up when we leave the door ajar, or we can choose to forgive ourselves and begin again.
21. “ONE DAY AT A TIME . . . I will work on forgiving myself.
22. “I am worth forgiving. You are too.”
23. Next morning. I am grateful that yesterday I managed to get up.
24. And managed to get into the shower.
25. And to get dressed, nicely.
26. And to put on some makeup, even though the guy forgot to give me one of the pieces
27. And managed to get into the car with Mar
28. And got to Mass, as I’d promised
29. And that the Mass actually felt good
30. And that I was in a state of grace and could receive Communion.
31. And that I did receive
32. And that the priest there was new and so it was like we were newish together
33. And he was very good
34. And I’m grateful that I got into my own car
35. And drove to my OA meeting
36. And that it was a great meeting
37. And that someone there asked me to get her started
38. And that something I said touched someone else and she found it helpful
39. And she called me this morning
40. And that I had the money to give piano teacher
41. And that I gave it to her
42. And that I got to visit with O for a little while, outside on her bench in the beautiful enclave
43. And that her bird is growing feathers and it hurts. I’m not happy that it hurts; I’m happy that it taught me a little lesson. That all creatures have some pain in life. Every giraffe, bird, rat, horse, person… Sometimes we are sick; sometimes we are sad; sometimes we are injured. . . That it is just part of life and I need to accept that.
44. That I went to MA’s
45. And we read
46. And talked
47. And went out to diner for dinner
48. And I got home safely
49. That I saw J to drop off doggie, and he said I looked good,
50. and kissed me hello
51. That I’m making progress with the book
52. That today is a new day. Because last week really sucked. But today is a new day.
53. And I can eat well.
54. And I will go to the gym
55. And I will take my mother to the bank and shopping
56. And I will see O, at the gym
57. That K just called
58. That we will try to go to a movie tomorrow night
59. That I will water my plants today
60. And do laundry! I’m grateful that I will
61. That I got the two bras yesterday
62. That I’m planning by the end of the week to get the cell phone situation fixed
63. And the laptop situation too
64. That I’m not taking the course. I need to take care of myself and some things here and have some fun – it is summer
65. That K said she will look into changing the day of the week for the CoDA meetings.
66. That I practiced a little Bach today
67. That my mother can wait until noon for the shopping
68. That my jade plant is still alive
69. And my classroom plants too
70. That I might be able to get to a meeting tonight
71. That I did my CoDA work just now
72. Today’s For Today, ouch ouch ouch don’t I know it now: “Outside show is a poor substitute for inner work.” Aesop
73. And as for my daily showers and dressing better and hair and a little makeup, it says: “Appearance is not everything, but it does tell the world how I feel about myself.”
74. And I like this because it feels like a promise: “As my days of abstinence increase, my appearance improves.”
75. And this, which is so me: “Before OA, physical attractiveness presented problems I didn’t want to deal with.”
76. And promise: “As I practice the steps of the program, these problems diminish.
And “I gain spiritual fitness, mental health and physical wellbeing.
77. “Giving one hundred percent of myself to the tasks before me each day, and applying the principles of the program in all my affairs drives out both the obsession with food and the preoccupation with my looks.
78. And this! “I lose weight without making it my primary goal.
79. And “For today: OA promises me threefold recovery as a result of working the program to the best of my ability. This is the only way I know to attain both outer attractiveness and inner worth.”
80. Outer attractiveness and inner worth. Wow.
81. Just from working the program “to the best of my ability.” Okay.
82. Oy. Biggy. Today’s Voices of Recovery, and thinking of the anger I had at my sister even just yesterday. “As long as we have not forgiven people for harms they have done us, we will find it impossible to make sincere amends to them for our side of the conflicts.” OA 12 & 12 p. 71
83. And it’s about step 8, which I am trying to work currently. It says “ For me the essential element in Step Eight is forgiveness. Until I learned how to forgive I could not even see where I was at fault.
84. And it goes on to say: “I was not aware of the deep resentment I had against my parents for the abuse I endured as a child. My insecurities, fear of rejection, and low self-worth were all a direct result of suppressing those feelings.” Wow.
85. “I began to truly search my past, and the old memories of abuse returned. As I examined them, hate, humiliation, and deep rage boiled out of me in floods of tears. I knew I could not forgive these wrongs myself, especially where my own defiance was often at fault.”
86. And for me, not having fully dealt with my father’s death too. I’m glad to at least FINALLY know that now. I tried to make J. into a father figure.
87. “It suddenly occurred to me to pray for a ‘spirit’ of forgiveness.” Oh. Okay. That can help!
88. “”Gradually a peace enfolded me. Forgiveness came, and with it came complete deliverance from those damaged feelings.” Wow.
89. And it actually says: “From that moment, I was healed.” Wow.
90. And “Once the miracle of forgiveness occurred, the amends happened naturally.”
91. Ouch and wow. Today’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I choose who I am.” Wow.
92. “I’ve decided to become the person I want to be – physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually.
93. “I consciously focus on specific growth areas, letting go of those negative traits and character defects that hold me back.
94. “Working the Fourth and Fifth Steps helps me identify who I am and who I want to be.
95. “The Tenth Step helps keep me on track.
96. “I am no longer defined or controlled by anyone else.” Whoa. Wow.
97. “I claim my right to be who I really am.” Wow.
98. HUGE! Today’s Language of Letting Go: “We learn the magical lesson that making the most of what we have turns it into more.” Codependent No More
99. “Say thank you, until you mean it.” Okay.
100. “Thank God, life, and the universe for everyone and everything sent your way.” Wow.

My Daily Affirmations Today

God is with me
J loved me and can again
We are healing our marriage
There is hope
I am becoming more whole
I am facing things
I can do it!