Saturday, December 31, 2011

CoDA Work (can't stay away)

I feel today,
all mixed up

Happy about being so much better off than I was and than I could be

Happy that supposedly K. and I will do a little dinner and a movie tonight. I feel like I'd rather stay home than go out with a girlfriend, having spent every New Year's Eve since like 1985 with J, but I think saying yes to "all" invitations is important at this time...

Worried because just saw that roof is leaking

Angry and worried - back and forth - that O still hasn't called me back after we were supposed to go out yesterday, but then she didn't feel well the day before, and she didn't call me to say how she felt, and in two days I have now left 5 messages (over two phones)

Depressed because New Year's Eve is our engagement-anniversary

Upset that I'm not doing enough for doggie

Upset to see my mother in such pain

Okay in the long-run

Back and forth

Plus, now I'm waiting to hear back from K...

But I'm very fortunate.
And just yesterday I felt kind of enlightened. That is not to be forgotten.

Okay. I'll try 5 good things about me.

1. I don't give up.
2. I am a great teacher.
3. I have a sense of humor.
4. I do what has to be done, even when/if it is the absolute minimum
5. I appreciate nature.

Okay

Can't Resist Gratitudes

Must type BRIEFLY
but I truly and grateful for all these things

1. First ones I did yesterday: I’ve written my thank you notes this time. And gotten them out.
2. I’ve received a number of Christmas cards.
3. Next year I shall send some!
4. And put up a tree!
5. I have turned a corner. My breath is deeper than it’s been in my adult life. I can’t believe it, almost. You know that feeling after the best orgasm you’ve ever had? Or maybe after running a marathon? … This is like that. And it does NOT rely on an imagined higher power named J. Oh, thank God!
6. I am finally ready to go on with my Step Eight. No longer burdened by knowing that my “amends” to J. would really be a sort of trial manipulation. NO desire to manipulate. Not even sure would take him back if he came!
7. And – no desire to flagellate self. Just amends. Period. Clean. Oh, thank God!
8. All eastern and western practices that emphasize living in the now.
9. I feel like I’ve recently been enlightened. Oh, thank God! And Buddha! And OA! And CoDA!
10. Now it’s the 31st. God
11. Life
12. Breath
13. Voice
14. House
15. Rooms I’ve cleans
16. For Today
17. Voices of Recovery
18. In This Moment
19. The Language of Letting Go
20. Show “Sell This House”
21. Sight
22. Heart
23. Kidneys
24. Lungs
25. Hands
26. Parts of the house I’ve cleaned
27. Piano tuner was here yesterday
28. Dr. comes next Wed.
29. Mother’s dr visit went well this week
30. And her cardiologist visit went well too
31. Affirmations
32. That I’m doing this
33. Piano
34. Brisk air
35. Doggie here
36. Bank today
37. And ww
38. And mother
39. And shopping
40. Vegetables
41. Water to drink
42. Swimming
43. Freedom
44. Honesty
45. Generosity
46. Compassion
47. E-mails
48. Books
49. Prevention magazine
50. ***Vegetarian Times magazine
51. My ww leader
52. My OA sponsor
53. My CoDA sponsor
54. Horses
55. Relief
56. Doggie is so good, and so lovable
57. Language
58. These vacation days
59. And that I am not tortured during them
60. Hearing
61. Speech
62. Throat
63. Intestines
64. Feet
65. Hands
66. Embroidery (maybe I can do some more soon: )
67. My area rugs
68. Fresh coffee this morning
69. Vanilla almond milk
70. That I am a vegan
71. My online spiritual community
72. Walks
73. Woods
74. Tigers
75. Zebras
76. Lions
77. Oceans
78. Oxygen
79. Trees
80. My huge, old oak tree!
81. Thomas MacNight (sp) paintings
82. Giraffes
83. Beaches
84. Resorts
85. Park near me
86. Good movies
87. My doggie’s fabulous plume of a tail. It charms everyone.
88. All the dog shows I’ve been too. Especially with J.
89. And my last dog and this one
90. My first dog
91. My first adult dog
92. Paws
93. Cuddles
94. I slept last night
95. Buddha
96. God
97. Sanghas
98. Sanyas
99. Reiki
100. Prayer
Wow: )

Friday, December 30, 2011

Can't Type for a Day or Two:(

Hurt arm
and typing seems to make it much worse.
Need to be able to type and write a bit for work,
and to finish bedroom and kitchen before then.

So I will be offline for at least tomorrow.
Maybe two days?

Or maybe just brief something.
But not like all the readings and 100 grats. (though will do in my head as many as can)

xo

Affirmations

God is all good.
God has made me.
Everything that happens to me is for the good.
I am good.
I have enough.
I am happy.

Yesterday's and Today's Readings and I Hope *You* Get Something Out of Them

For Today Dec. 29

"With the Past as past, I have nothing to do; nor with the Future as future. I live now and will verify all past history in my own moments." Ralph Waldo Emerson

"As I see and feel this moment, all else in my mind is blocked out. i am free of the past and the future. I am living in the now." (True! I am!) "Aware of sounds and colors, light and shadow, I look outward from myself - and that is freedom. I can notice another, listen with energy. I live life a moment at a time, leaving the moments lived yesterday and those to be lived tomorrow where they belong." (And I APPRECIATE IT! OH, THANK GOD!)
"Joy comes from living in the NOW.
For today: I free my ind of yesterday's mistakes and tomorrow's hopes. I live in this moment."

For Today Dec. 30

"To promise not to do a thing is the surest way in the world to make a body want to go and do that very thing." Mark Twain

"How many times did I swear off, make promises and resolutions to stop overeating? sometimes I followed through with a diet, and sometimes I didn't even start. But, always, the promises - and the diets - were fuel for the compulsion." True for me.
"It took Overeaters Anonymous to put into words what all my experience should have told me: that I was powerless over compulsive overeating and no promise, no temporary submission to restricted eating would relieve me of my food obsession. In OA I was given a suggested program of recovery and all that was asked of me in return was that I have a desire to stop.
For today: I will allow no one, including myself, to pressure me into promising to lose weight."

Voices of Recovery Dec. 29
"Sponsors, OA friends, meetings, and literature are wonderful sources of help for us. We wouldn't want to be without any of those resources because we often find God speaks to us through them." OA 12 & 12 p. 98

"As a compulsive overeater, I tend to overdo almost everything, including service. I think I naturally want to mother and take care of everyone, putting myself at the bottom of the list." (Not anymore!)
"My sponsor recognizes my symptoms and gently reminds me that I may have too many things on my plate. She suggests that I check with my Higher Power before committing to something that may pur me into overload. Sometimes she asks, 'Do you need to decide today?' My response is usually 'no.' This means that I can let it go for a while and eal with it if it comes up again. God speaks to me through other people, especially my sponsor, wen I listen."

Voices of Recovery Dec. 30
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference." The Serenity Prayer

"I was spending most of my energy on things I could not change, worrying, fretting, and trying to make them come out 'my' way." Yes! That was me! "Meanwhile, I was ignoring things that I could change, spinning my wheels where they did the least good." Yes! I could have been cleaning etc. "No wonder I felt as much stress and self-loathing.
Now, when I find myself troubled by an issue or situation. I think about it while I say the Serenity Prayer. If it is something I can change, I think of the steps I can take to begin the change, and I pray for the willingness to take action. If it is something I cannot change, I turn it over to my Higher Power and pray for the willingness to accept it. This exercise brings serenity to my life and helps me feel God's presence."

In This Moment Dec. 29

"In This Moment, I create true friendships.
Intimacy used to be such a foreign word to me. i was afraid to show others who I really am, fearing rejection or ridicule. From going to meetings and sharing in a safe, accepting environment, I'm learning real intimacy by allowing others to 'into-me-see.' I've learned that intimacy is a living thing, a journey that requires ongoing nurturing." (And this is important to remember!). There are so many places in the world that are harsh and critical. how refreshing it is to know that I have a safe haven in CoDA. Ultimately, my goal is to create a safe, accepting environment inside of me."

In This Moment Dec. 30

"In This Moment, I use my daily inventory as a springboard for change.
I watch out for self-pity, self-righteousness, and self-condemnation. I strive for gratitude, humility, and gentleness. I catch myself in dishonesty, impatience, resentment, and false pride. I attempt honesty, patience, forgiveness, and modesty. I am aware of jealousy, laziness, procrastination, and fear. I struggle with generosity, activity, promptness, and trust. No matter how disgusted I may be with myself and my behavior, I take the time to review my day. I am then able, with God's help, to see what direction to take. I am capable of healing."

The Language of Letting Go

"Moving On

"Learn the art of acceptance. It's a lot of grief." Codependent No More

"Sometimes, as part of taking care of ourselves, it becomes time to end certain relationships. Sometimes, it comes time to change the parameters of a particular relationship.
This is true in love, in friendships, with family, and on the job.
Endings and changes in relationships are not easy. But often, they are necessary.
Sometimes, we linger in relationships that are dead, out of fear of being alone or to postpone the inevitable grieving process that accompanies endings. Sometimes, we need to linger for a while, to prepare ourselves, to get strong, and ready enough to handle the change.
If that is what we are doing, we can be gentle with ourselves. It is better to wait until that moment when it feels solid, clear, and consistent to act.
We will know. We WILL know. We can trust ourselves.
Knowing that a relationship is changing or is about to end is a difficult place to be in, especially when it is not yet time to act but we know the time is drawing near. It can be awkward and uncomfortable, as the lesson draws to a close. We may become impatient to put closure on it, but not yet feel empowered to do that. That's okay. The time is not yet right. Something important is tstill happening. When the time is right, we can trust that it will happen. We will receive the power and the ability to do what we need to do.
Ending relationships or changing the boundaries of a particular relationship is not easy. It requires courage and faith. It requires a wilingness on our part to take care of ourselves and, sometimes, to stand alone for a while.
Let go of fear. Understand that change is an important part of recovery. Love yourself enough to do what you need to do to take care of yourself, and find enough confidence to believe that you will love again.
We are NEVER starting over. In recovery, we are moving forward in a perfectly planned progression of lessons. WE will find ourselves with certain people - in love, family, friendships, and work - when we need to be with them. When the lesson has been mastered, we will move on. We will find ourselves in a new place, learning new lessons, with new people.
No, the lessons are not all painful. We will arrive at that place where we can learn, not from pain, but from joy and love.
Our needs will get met.

Today, I will accept where I am in my relationships, even if that place is awkward and uncomfortable. I fI am in the midst of endings, I will face and accept my grief. God, help me trust that the path I am on has been perfectly and lovingly planned for me. Help me believe that my relationships are teaching me important lessons. Help me accept and be grateful for middles, ending, and new beginnings."

The Language of Letting Go Dec. 30

"The groundwork has been laid.
Do you not see that?
Don' you understand that all you have gone through was for a purpose?
There was a reason, a good reason, for the waiting, the struggle, the pain, and finally the release." Oh. Yes!
"You have been prepared. The same way a builder must first tear down and dig out the old to make way for the new, your Higher Power has been cleaning out the foundation in your life.
Have you ever watched a builder at construction? When he begins his work, it looks worse than before he began. What is old and decayed must be removed. What is insufficient or too weak to support the new structure must be removed, replaced, or reinforced. no builder who cares about his or her work would put a new surface over an insufficient support system. The foundation would give way. I t would not last.
If the finished product is to be what is desired, the work must be done thoroughly from the bottom up. As the work progresses, it often appears to be an upheaval. Often, it does not seem to make sense. It may appear to be wasted time and effort, because we cannot see the final product yet.
But it is so important that the foundation be laid properly if the fun work, the finishing touches, is to be all that we want it to be.
This long, hard time in your life has been for laying of groundwork. It was not without purpose, although at times the purpose may not have been evident or apparent.
Now, the foundation has been laid. The structure is solid.
Now, it is time for the finishing touches, the completion.
It is time to move the furniture in and enjoy the fruits of the labor.
Congratulations. you ahve had the patience to endure the hard parts. you have trusted, surrendered, and allowed your Higher Power and the Universe to heal and prepare you.
Now, you shall enjoy the good that has been planned.
Now, you shall see the purpose.
Now, it shall all come together and make sense.
Enjoy."

And I am ready for these words. Now. And for the enjoyment.

And it goes on to say:

"Today, I will surrender to the laying of the foundation - the groundwork - in my life. If it is time to enjoy the placement of the finishing touches, I will surrender to that, and enjoy that too. I will remember to be grateful for a Higher Power that is a Master Builder and only has my best interests in mind, creating and constructing my life. I will be grateful for my Higher Power's care and attention to details in laying the foundation - even though I become impatient at times. I will stand in awe at the beauty of God's finished product."

Amen.

I. Am. A. Living. Miracle.

I am a living miracle.
God has performed a miracle in my life.

No, really.

Last February I literally stood there behind a car with reverse lights on and bad visibility (snow) and came very close to lying down behind it. Didn't even care that that driver would have to live with that. Or that there would be many witnesses. That it was on school grounds and the children might have to picture what happened and where. That they would have to know their teacher committed suicide. And so would my mother, J., and my friends. Did not care. Just wanted the sweet relief. Literally thought, "Oh. I could lay down right now. It would be so easy. Just do it. Just lay gently in the snow."
And there were a couple of other times similar.

But today, I *want * to live.
I appreciate life.
I love life.
I live in the moment.
It has been about 5 days of this.

5 days out of 56 years (well, maybe 54 - 55 - I don't know about infanthood -except that I could never get enough food, according to my mother, so maybe then too)

5 days of joy.
Peace
Happy, joyous and free?
Me?
Yes.
For today.

And I have knelt and thanked God.

Years of work
therapy
and over a year of real program work

And may I never stop.

Amen.

PS No matter what your situation, do not give up.
Try the little book, Be Free Where You Are - inexpensive and brief - by Thich Nhat Hahn. A talk he gave at a high-security prison in Maryland. And it changed some of *their * lives!

CoDA Work Today

I woke up, had coffee, did grats and e-mails, and I feel:

Good
Hopeful
Positive
Like living
GRATEFUL!

I think it is because:
Support from others
God
Accomplishing around here
Anti-depressant, which I really did need.
Doing daily grats
Friends
Things to look forward to.
***Not making J. my Higher Power anymore!

5 good things about me:
1. I am grateful
2. God made me and He doesn't make junk
3. I clean my house now
4. I am not so lazy after all!
5. I work my recovery
and bonus 6: I am ready to give back

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Important Gratitudes

I am grateful:

1. All that I did yesterday, with God’s help.
2. That I did get to all my program work.
3. Nice little talk with Ma also. Have put her in perspective in my life.
4. People in countries reading my blog. U.S., China, Russia, Canada, Germany, Norway, Latvia, Ukraine, Brazil, France.
5. I am *determined * to learn to speak French.
6. Nice talk with sponsor this am
7. Eyesight
8. Hearing
9. Speech
10. Ability to read
11. And to write
12. And to type
13. And to play piano
14. And to clean
15. Now about to do living room.

16. I have finished the l.r.
17. I even moved around some paintings
18. I am about half finished with the den.
19. I really really want junk – and I want non-vegan junk. But I’m grateful because I’m not doing it.
20. The vacuum working
21. The piano tuner coming tomorrow
22. Me going to Buddha place tomorrow with O
23. Two and a Half Men repeats. True. The older ones.
24. My mother did schedule her 2 dr. appointments anyway.
25. And went to one today.
26. And other is tomorrow
27. I’ve neatened the whole desk and most all bookshelves in the house.
28. I’m tired and achy but I’m not stopping.
29. I am now practicing *three * piano pieces! One Bach, one Reinhold, and one Chopin.
30. My online spiritual community.
31. My strong enough legs.
32. My cute and sweet and fun-loving doggie.
33. That maybe I can see MA later.
34. That maybe I can go to an OA meeting.
35. I am so grateful that I no longer want to kill myself.
36. And that I am grateful for waking up in the mornings, instead of feeling, “Oh shit – why did I wake up?”
37. I am so grateful that I appreciate life.
38. And that I am setting my time and taking scheduled breaks.
39. I am grateful that I have underwear
40. And bras
41. And socks
42. And stockings
43. And shoes
44. And an ugly but warm enough coat.
45. And a Bible
46. Dec 30th now. E-mail I just sent to M.
47. Waking up to things in order. Only bedroom left to do, and stuff that goes to the basement. I was too wiped yesterday!
48. I have searched out a French tutor. One of the replies was very nice, and a reasonable price, and I can even get a discount. I know what I can give up to pay for almost all of it. Another tweak or two and I can do it. Plus, I might work a bit extra at another place . That’s okay. This has been a dream for literally 40 years! And now I’m going to start it!
49. The sunroom, dining room, living room, den, and bathroom are clean. Oh, thank God. Now I just have the dreaded bedroom with the broken bed. The whole house is about 790 square feet only, and the cellar – don’t ask, and the attic I can’t even get into – literally (cabinets are back too far and pull down stairs can’t come down. Plus it needs work. But it’s straightened, cleaned, and redesigned a little to reflect me! (Moved some pictures around, bought a little cheap area rug and some throw pillows, moved some things around, that sort of thing).
50. All bookshelves are in order.
51. “His” desk is finally in order.
52. The floors are shiny. Oh my gosh.
53. And I slept last night.
54. And I’m sitting here
55. having coffee I made,
56. and doing gratitudes on a laptop with reruns of the Nanny on in the background
57. while lovey little dog is still sleeping in the bed. Lucky me.
58. I honest thought I would NEVER take a deep breath again unless J. came “home.” And every breath is deep this morning!
59. I honestly hoped I would die. And now I want to live. Oh, thank God.
60. And thank *you, * if you read this. You are a BIG help to me. I hope I am some help to you.
61. I so wish the best for J. And I feel good about that.
62. I am grateful for glass windows. Hey, most people in the early 19th century in this country didn’t have them, I think.
63. And maybe soon I’ll clean them lol.
64. I’m grateful that I decided to spend calories cleaning by myself, rather than money I don’t have getting someone else to do it.
65. That practicing piano feels different now. He was always 100% supportive of and beautiful about it. Honestly. But *I * have been trying to undo some serious childhood damage, and I think I have had to be independent to do it!
66. I think of how lucky I am. So many who can't make these choices. And if you are one of them, I am praying for you. Honestly.
67. Women who are abused but uneducated and have little children and are threatened –
68. Women who don't have medicine
69. Women who don't have food for their babies or themselves
70. Women who don't have freedom - can be executed for leaving husband or can lose children and all rights to seeing them forever.
71. Women who are unjustly convicted and in prison
72. Women in iron lungs.
73. And I want to give back even more. Am thinking of possibly volunteering at a hospital.
74. I am finally wanting to live, and appreciating all my good fortune, and wanting to be fully me and use my gifts to help.
75. I finally just did the right thing. Some beautiful people have e-mailed me, and I couldn’t even face the e-mails. But they deserved better. So I have read the e-mails and e-mailed them back.
76. And I am very grateful to people who have reached out to me via e-mail.
77. I think I have spent about 27 years making J. my Higher Power. I’m not so much grateful for that lol, but I’m grateful that I don’t today!
78. And for the lessons learned.
79. I am grateful that my poop is the shape Dr. Oz says it should be (s shaped)
80. I am grateful that I have a kitchen
81. And a bathroom
82. And indoor plumbing
83. And food for doogie
84. And even treats for her
85. And an OA sponsor
86. And a CoDA sponsor
87. And a service position in one of the groups
88. And that I have been to open NA meetings
89. And that today I will either go to the city, if O feels better, or clean, if she doesn’t. Either way is a good thing
90. That I am good to my friends
91. And they are good to me
92. That I have learned and am learning more and more about different people. From different places. With different lifestyles…
93. That I am open-minded
94. That I can become even moreso.
95. That after waiting over 20 years, I finally have my little sunroom – a meditative space.
96. And within about 2 months, it will have heat.
97. That I am losing weight.
98. That I feel good within my own skin. First time EVER.
99. That although I’m achy and it’s harder to get up and down from floor than it used to be… I am in good enough shape to do the work around here.
100. That the internet exists.
101. That blogs exist.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Affirmations

God made me.
God loves me.
God is with me.
All is well.
All will continue to be well.
I am fine.
I am happy.
I am loveable.

Today's Readings

For Today:

"I love you. I bless you. I release you to your own indwelling presence of God." Author unknown

I am sooooo tired. But I am typing this all out, so it may help someone reading here.

"It is nothing less than a complete turnabout that this program brings into being. It gives me the amazing ability to release the people I love; to detach myself from their pain and turmoil and suffering, and turn them over in love to that same Power within that is directing me.
This act of release, performed daily in a moment of quiet prayer, exerts incredible influence on those I would help. I say and do only what is necessary to attend to my everyday responsibilities, showing the love I feel and radiating the calmness and peace that come from giving up control.
For today: I turn over responsibility for the lives of others to the same Highter Power within each of them that manages my own life.

Voices of Recovery:
" . . . I would if I could, my friend, but - as it is for me - the problem is within . . . I am completely honest in taking stock of myself so I can learn why i feel as I do about myself." For Today p. 277

"It seems that for most of my life I have been searching for the answer book. In school, there was always one definitive answer, and the teacher had all the answers. unfortunately, in life there is no one right or wrong way to do something. There are no answer books. Yet some experts believe that their book or product will solve whatever my current problem may be.
I finally realized that I have been searching in all the wrong places. No one has my answers; they don't even know what the question is. I believe that all my answers are within me. The difficulty lies in looking within, something I'm incapable of doing alone. I need the love, help, and support from other. What I have been looking for is not the answer, but the question."

In This Moment:

"In This Moment, I believe.

"Just for today:
I believe in myself.
I'm honest with myself and others.
I'm responsible for my actions.

Just for today:
I love myself. I am enough.
I let go of what I cannot control.
I let others own their own stuff.

Just for today:
God is in control.
I'm on the right path.
Life is good."

Language of Letting Go:

"Panic

"Don't panic!
If panic strikes, we do not have to allow it to control our behaviors. Behaviors controlled by panic tend to be self-defeating. No matter what the situation or circumstance, panic is usually not a good foundation. no matter what the situation or circumstance, we usually have at least a moment to breathe deeply and restore our serenity and peace.
We don't have to do more than we can reasonably do - - - ever! We don't have to do something we absolutely cannot do or cannot learn to do!
This program, this healthy way of life we are seeking, is built on a foundation of peace and quiet confidence - in ourselves, in our Higher Power, in the recovery process.
Do not panic. That takes us away from the path. Relax. Breathe deeply. Let peace flow through our body and ind. From this base, our Source shall supply the necessary resources.

Today, I will treat panic as a separate issue that needs immediate attention. I will refuse to allow panicky thoughts and feelings to motivate me. Instead, I will let peace and trust motivate my feelings, thoughts, and behaviors."

CoDA Evening Work Today

I worked all day around here
and called J twice when didn't know something he knew (like vacumm and humidifier)
and talked with 2 friends
and did grats
...
and I feel:

tired, hopeful, at peace, with God, good

I think it is because:
this daily work
and accomplishing around here
and I have worked so hard to pay for this little house all by myself, and I am starting to make it a home for myself
and I'm looking forward to Fri with O and her mother
and I'm done for the day

Five good things about me:
1. I do my cleaning now
2. I always keep up with laundry now
3. I'm getting much better about the garbage and recycling
4. I'm a good friend to my friends
5. I'm honest

Today's 100 Gratitudes

I am grateful:

1. It is Dec 27 as I start these. Eleanor Roosevelt
2. Helen Keller
3. That I want to live.
4. And that I want to *really * live. Like DO things.
5. Taking doggie for that nice walk in the brisk air was good for me.
6. For both of us.
7. Now it’s Dec. 28th. I’m grateful that I called O yesterday and asked if she wanted to go (with her mother) out for Indian food lunch
8. And that she said yes
9. We went, and it was great. New place to us. Fabulous food and nice service and atmosphere and price. (Next time buffet, though, ‘cause cheaper).
10. And I ate well. Not pigged out. (I should really learn to cook Indian food).
11. My piano teacher is having a concert given by her – gulp - adult students. I said absolutely not. I will attend and clap; I will NOT perform. LOTS of issues about that. Growing up, beatings, terror, . . .
12. But when I came home, I realized I WANT to. She had said (I think we should TRY.).
13. And I started practicing.
14. And I have just checked my e-mail and she says yes let’s go for it – the two pieces I’d mentioned
15. Having trouble cleaning up these particular four rooms. Gonna right each room gives time to practice or one tv show.
16. And K just e-mailed me, so I called her and it just so happens that yesterday SHE faced a whole day and evening of cleaning up after a long long time!
17. And we had a nice talk.
18. Plus that gave me inspiration.
19. J. called - he called the window and heat people about that room that still needs. I appreciate that.
20. And when window place reopens (6 weeks or something) HE’S going to try to replace – because will save ME money. I’m grateful
21. And he’s gonna talk to the guys about the heat.
22. AND he’s encouraging me to spend the extra and get it done right because, “It will make it more efficient for you anyway, plus someday if you ever sell, you’ll recoup that money. And this all sounds good to me about our treatment of each other.
23. And I’m also grateful – SO grateful – that this all sounds good to me instead of all depressing about future!
24. And I re-offered to help him with his business stuff.
25. And I did NOT mean that with any hidden agenda.
26. He said nothing anyone can do right now but he’s very grateful for the offer and really does want to be friends with me.
27. And that felt good to me and I’m very grateful that it did.
28. And Friday O and her mom and I are going to a Buddhist store in the city! And to see the sights… I’m really looking forward to that.
29. I am so grateful for things to look forward to.
30. I’m going to go do some cleaning NOW. Before I let so much time go that I don’t start. Which is VERY tempting. I will come back and do more grats. later.

31. Adding quickly. Took 90 minutes. Did sunroom.
32.Still no heat and couple broken windows in there, but I've cleaned it out and put it in order
33. And - it is lovely.
34. And - I do have an electric heater if needed before the windows/heat can get done.
35. And - I can do my hw there daily now!
36. And my morning spiritual work!
37. And meditate!
38. J and I have fought about that room that I've been paying for in both mortgages and taxes for almost 30 years and haven't been able to use for almost 25. We have been fighting about that room for 20-something years. And I have it now. And it speaks of me.
39. K might come her on New Year's Day and we can make manifestation boards. If hse doesn't, I think I'll still do one.
40. And put it in the sunroom!

Now must go face the *dreaded* dining room. 90 minutes til next little break.
Be back later with more grats and other spiritual work. Just don't want to put off the cleaning because I know that then I will not do it!

41. Oh my gosh, I have now done the dining room. I can hardly believe it. Over a year of clutter. Gone. And floor cleaned and rug vacuumed, ...
42. And now I get another break.
43. Then I talk to the divorce-specialty therapist
44. Then I do l.r.
45. Then I get lunch
46. Oh - and all this cleaning hurts, but - it must be burning calories, right? : )

I'll be back for rest.

All right. Here come the rest:

47. I am almost finished with the living room. Physically cannot do anymore today. So stopping. But SO grateful!
48. Tomorrow I think I can finish the living room and do the den and bathroom. Then Friday out having fun and later piano tuner comes. Then Saturday more house (and maybe car). I hope and expect to do the bedroom and closet.
49. If I need to (because it’s kind of really hurting physically), I can go into Monday.
50. And on New Year’s Day, I am going to make a manifestation board. Or at least start it.
51. And my friend K might join me here and make one too.
52. And I had nice talks with MA today.
53. And I practiced today. A little Bach and a little Reinhold.
54. I am grateful for this evening. I will eat dinner, watch tv, and chill a bit.
55. And maybe get more sleep.
56. I am so grateful for having more strength emotionally than I’d had or thought I’d have.
57. And more physically too.
58. And that God is helping me.
59. And for my vacuum.
60. I have literally not cleaned for a year. Yes that is embarrassing, but I was depressed … and I’m doing it now!
61. I had healthy breakfast
62. And healthy lunch
63. And healthy dinner is in fridge ready to be heated.
64. Lamps
65. The huge, old oak tree out front.
66. K.
67. O.
68. M is back from being away and we had a GREAT talk today.
69. My sponsor was “kvelling” – sponsor’s word – over how well I’m doing.
70. Oh, and tomorrow afternoon I hope to get my hair done. Otherwise Saturday.
71. I am grateful that I am free.
72. And that I can walk
73. And talk
74. And see
75. And breathe on my own.
76. And that I am not in a hospital
77. And that I still have my mother.
78. And for MA
79. And my hands
80. And my hair
81. And my kidneys.
82. And my table in the sunroom.
83. And my meditation bell
84. And Thich Naht Hahn
85. And music
86. And bookcases
87. And built in bookshelves
88. And towels
89. And soap
90. And hand soap
91. And hand cream
92. And eyeglasses
93. And every person who ever reads this blog
94. And candles
95. And sage for burning and “smudging.”
96. I think when I’m finished cleaning, I’ll do that.
97. And that I got my garbage out today.
98. And they took it.
99. And I’m about to bring down my recycling
100. And I believe they’ll take that tomorrow.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Affirmations

God made me.
God loves me.

I no longer want to die.
I want to live.

I take care of myself.
I make a lovely home for myself.
I am enough.

I am happy.

CoDA Work Today

I woke up, had coffee and waters, did grats and readings, called mother to wake her as she asked because has dr. appointment, talked to sponsor, ate breakfast, dropped off car for headlight and inspection, and I feel:

Wounded, Anxious, Worried, Overwhelmed, Tired, Ill

and
Powerless, Willing, Humble

and
Capable(wow!) Hopeful, Recovering, Capable - first time ever at least in like 30 years!, Healthy, Grateful, Sacred, Inspired, Satisfied, Blessed, Optimistic, Affirmed (by self), Gratified, Valuable, Worthy and Forgiven

I think it is because:

First stuff: Doing stuff have put off for a LONG time. Digestive stuff. Some phlegm.
Anxious about ability to get today's stuff done. Worried about money and J. being fair.

Second stuff:
Eating-wise

Third stuff:
Capable and gratified by what I accomplished yesterday. Hopeful for my OWN future. Healthy (despite saying ill above) in the big picture. Grateful for all the gratitudes stuff. Sacred because God made me and I am in His hands. Inspired to do more. And inspired by MA and O. Blessed in countless ways. Optimistic, because you never know. And as long as I am doing the right thing and recovering...Affirmed by myself, for the FIRST TIME *EVER! * Valuable, worthy and forgiven because God make me, He values me, and He has forgiven me.
Amen.

Now
5 Good Things about Me
1. I am working my recovery the best I can.
2. I am overcoming some phobias!
3. I am kind to others.
4. I try to live by the Five Mindfulness Trainings
5. I try to be good to doggie

Today's Readings

Today's For Today:

"Life was meant to be lived,
and curiosity must be kept alive.
One must never, for whatever reason,
turn his back on life."
Eleanor Roosevelt

"To be as a child is a great and worthy goal. curiosity and enthusiasm are the two outstanding characteristics of children, and the most blessed of humans are those who keep these qualities all their lives.
"I live life by going out and exploring it, digging into it just for the pleasure of feeling alive - which is reward enough.
"Meeting life head-on has the great virtue of allowing me to see everything, to know in the instant how best to proceed - and then go ahead and do it. I am here for the purpose of living, which means putting all my God-given faculties to their fullest and best use.
"For today: I have a program that encourages curiosity and enthusiasm for living; and what I manage to find for myself I share with others."


Today's Voices of Recovery:

"It is essential that all of us understand and respect anonymity if OA is to survive and we are to find recovery here." OA 12 & 12 p. 199

"It's not often you see the words 'it is essential.' this tells me how important anonymity is. OA's survival and my recovery depends on it. What does this mean? For me, it means that I always hold in confidence what I hear at a meeting or from another OA member. It means that no matter what, I maintain my anonymity at the level of press, radio, films, and television. For me, it also means that I let people in OA know my last name so that if I am needed, I can be found. It means that I don't place myself above or below anyone else. It reminds me that we are all equal. It tells me that my job is of no importance. What counts is that we are both compulsive overeaters trying to recover through the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous.

Today's In This Moment:

"In This Moment, love finds me.

"I kept praying for my Higher power to bring me love. Today, while I was sitting on the couch, my kitten climbed my leg looking to play and receive affection. I realized, in that moment, that love comes in many shapes and forms. God, help me keep my eyes open for all gifts of love."

Today's Language of Letting Go

"Near the Top
"I know you're tired." Oh. Yes! I know you feel overwhelmed. you may feel as though this crisis, this problem, this hard time will last forever.
"It won't. You are almost through." Oh, I love hearing this.
"You don't just THINK it has been hard; it has been hard. You have been tested, tried, and retested on what you have learned.
"Your beliefs and your faith have been tried in fire. You have believed, then doubted, then worked at believing some more. You have had to have faith even when you could not see or imagine what you were asked to believe. Others around you may have tried to convince you not to believe in what you were hoping you could believe.
"You have had opposition. You have not gotten to this place with total support and joy. You have had to work hard, in spite of what was happening around you. Sometimes, what motivated you was anger; sometimes fear.
"Things went wrong - more problems occurred than you anticipated. There were obstacles, frustrations, and annoyances en route. you did not plan on this being the way it would evolve. Much of this has been a surprise; some of it has not been at all what you desired.
"Yet, it has been good." Really? Oh good. "Part of you, the deepest part hat knows truth, has sensed this all along, even when your head told you that things were out of whack and crazy, that there was no plan or purpose, that God had forgotten you.
"So much has happened, and each incident - the most painful, the most troubling, the most surprising - has a connection. you are beginning to see and sense that.
"You never dreamt things would happen this way, did you? But they did. Now you are learning the secret - they were meant to happen this way, and this way is good, better than what you expected." Okay. Good. And I do believe that. Wow.
"You didn't believe it would take this long, either - did you? but it did. You have learned patience.
"You never thought you could have it, but now you know you do.
"You have been led. Many were the moments when you thought you were forgotten, when you were convinced you had been abandoned. now you know you have been guided.
"Now things are coming into place. You are almost at the end of this phase, this difficult portion of the journey. The lesson is lmost complete. you know - the lesson you fought, resisted, and insisted you could not learn. Yes, that one. You have almost mastered it.
"You have been changed from the inside out. You have been moved to a different level, a higher level, a better level." Yes, this is true. And it is happening all the time now with me.
"You have been climbing a mountain. It has not been easy, but mountain climbing is never easy. Now, ou are near the top. A moment longer, and the victory shall be yours.
"Steady your shoulders. Breathe deeply. move forward in confidence and peace. The tie is coming to relish and enjoy all which you have fought for. That time is drawing near, finally.
"I know you have thought before that the time was drawing near, only to learn that it wasn't. But now, the reward is coning. You know that too. you can feel it.
"Your struggle has not been in vain. For every struggle on this journey, there is a climax, a resolution.
"Peace, joy, abundant blessings, and reward are yours here on earth. Enjoy.
"There will be more mountains, but now you know how to climb them. And you have learned the secret of what is at the top.

"Today, I will accept where I am and continue pushing forward. If I am in the midst of a learning experience, I will allow myself to continue on with the faith that the day of mastery and reward will come. help me, God, understand that despite my best efforts to live in peaceful serenity, there are times of mountain climbing. Help me stop creating chaos and crisis, adn help me meet the challenges that will move me upward and forward."

100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful:

1. Dec. 26 I got through the holidays. (Now just New Year’s Eve, which is also the anniversary of our engagement, and New Year’s Day)
2. Watching Hoarders Buried Alive right now. Realizing how fortunate I am.
3. Being with O and her mom last night for a few minutes in the cozy little house that is so like mine, only all clean and in order and decorated fully, gave me inspiration. She too, has things wrong – a broken floor etc. – like my paint and bathroom paint etc. – and yet you don’t see it now that she’s fixed up.
4. And her going to the Laundromat every week, helps inspire me about just doing laundry right here in my own basement!
5. Now it’s Dec 27. Yesterday I did 8/9 things that were on my list.
6. Including cleaning the kitchen
7. Plus I added cooking three things and portioning for fridge and freezer.
8. Some of the things made me nervous, but I did them anyway.
9. I found a tuner/technician. He will be here Friday.
10. Birdie, Birdie, Birdie
11. I bring my car in for inspection today.
12. And headlight. It’s been dark.
13. And I think I can get my hair cut this afternoon.
14. Plus one load of laundry and straightening the d.r.
15. And a couple other things on list.
16. Had great long talk with MA yesterday.
17. Should get to see her Thursday.
18. And my CoDA sponsor soon too, if *I * have time. (So much to do here).
19. I will figure out the humidifier and do it today.
20. I will not play boggle today. Too much yesterday! Bad for the brain all that computer/typing/words game.
21. I will go to OA
22. And maybe start my book?
23. I am grateful for my eye drops.
24. And my vision
25. And that I’m stronger than I used to be.
26. And maybe stronger than I’d thought.
27. That this is what Stats on my blog looks like for last few days: United States 97. Russia 12. China 11. Canada 10. Norway 5. Germany 4. Brazil 2. United Kingdom 2. France 1. India 1. That makes me feel great. Not alone. And also maybe helping someone(s).
28. I am so grateful for doggie in bed with me these nights.
29. And playing with her with her toys.
30. And the new floppy toy I gave her.
31. I am grateful for my allergy medicine
32. And that I can breathe.
33. And that I’m eating well.
34. And losing weight.
35. And that I have hope for MY future.
36. Artists
37. Museums near me
38. All my shoes.
39. Hats. I look good in hats.
40. My pocket book.
41. My food program.
42. Giraffes
43. I still have a present to open.
44. All the present I get from the families. In December and June.
45. The gift certificate.
46. My new and improved (for them) computer list. Much smarter this way.
47. New aide coming Jan. 3. Oh good.
48. I will talk to Tr and B soon.
49. That my digestive system works.
50. That my mother trusts me.
51. That I’m feeling more like a person. More like a self. More like myself. Than in years. Wow.
52. That I still have a sense of humor and make little jokes that make people smile
53. And not at the expense of others.
54. That I think I’ll be finding cheaper ways to cook.
55. And new ways too.
56. But no rush. That’s good too.
57. That at least that is one thing I’ve been doing “on schedule.” Every week for the week. Plus some extras.
58. I’m thinking whole grain and beans with tomato and a healthy salad on the side.
59. That I’m drinking so much more water.
60. Access to fresh, clean water. What a gift.
61. That I do pray for others.
62. That I’m doing this work every day, even though I sometimes don’t want to start!
63. That today I will take doggie somewhere for a good long walk. She loves that!
64. That I’m not in such fear.
65. I’m not trying to repeat. So at least I’ll put them all on one number here today. But I am so grateful for: MA, ML, S, St, O, M, Ma, JA, K. And Tr. and B. And even N. And Birdie and JJ and EJ.
66. And Jo’s kindness to me last June when I really needed it.
67. And my free tech sessions with her.
68. And all that this job has exposed me to.
69. Buddha
70. My little Buddha necklace from M.
71. That I’m getting along well with D.
72. My healthy beautiful heart.
73. That my ears are pierced.
74. My amethyst ring that my parents bought for 8th grade graduation.
75. And that I find it cute that at 14, I said to them at the store, “But will I still like it when I’m old, like 25?”
76. And that they smiled and said yes.
77. And that I’m 56 and I still like it and still sometimes wear it.
78. That if someday I want romantic love again, I know I will find it.
79. That I believe I will heal from this.
80. That I have boots this year.
81. People who donate money to charities of their choice.
82. People who donate time to charities of their choice.
83. People who donate money to charities of my choice, in my name.
84. Tea
85. A good coffee maker.
86. Lace
87. That I’m going to pay someone soon to clean this place. I am straightening it and doing a good once-over. And I’ll probably get professionals for windows etc., just this once: )
88. I will find a way to get that room heated this year.
89. Maybe *I’ll * be the one to move forward with the proceedings. Maybe. It could protect me. We’ll see. I’ll pray for strength.
90. My daily readings. All 4 of them.
91. The OA phone marathon yesterday. I loved having it.
92. That they’ll have it again next Sunday
93. And Monday.
94. That I’ve been to Bermuda.
95. And Barbados.
96. And Montreal.
97. And Niagara Falls.
98. And Los Angeles
99. And Iowa (relatives)
100. And Washington DC
101. And Philly.

Monday, December 26, 2011

The Why I'm Better Off This Way Post

Which I will start today and I guess add to.

1. I don't REALLY want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me.

My Favorite Meal

It is a variation on the complete meal protein/veggie bake below
(My second favorite is the pasta with protein and veg)

I eat this probably 4 - 6 x a week (out of 21 meals)

Ingreds:

2 T Wesson canola oil (to use at two different times)
1 T olive oil or extra virgin olive oil
1 bag or 1/2 large bag frozen broccoli florets (or use spears but cut them after nuking)
1 bag or 1/2 large bag frozen spinach
1 bag or 1/2 large bag frozen collards
1 can artichoke hearts. I usually buy quartered, and cut them in half lengthwise again
a sprinkle of Wheat Germ (optional)
1 slice Ezekial 4:9 bread
1/8 or 1/4 cup Panko Italian bread crumbs
1 T Soy Garden Earth Balance (optional - could use more of either oil if prefer)
1 bag (4 cutlets) Gardein "chicken" scallopini

Directions:
Preheat oven to 375 degrees farenheit
Put 1 T Wesson in bottom of baking pan
Nuke the veggies just to defrost, one at a time, and layer in pan (I do about 2 minutes per)
Broccoli, then spinach, then collards
Then add the cut up artichoke hearts
Nuke for 1 or 2 minutes, the gardein (I buy frozen) then sautee as per directions - then cut up into bite-sized pieces and set aside
Sprinkle the Ezekial bread, crumbled
Sprinkle the Wheat Germ
Sprinkle the breadcrumbs
Sprinkle the 1 T of olive oil over it
Then the 1 T of Earth Balance (in bits all around)
Put the cut-up Gardein on top
Cover with aluminum foil
Bake for about 35 minutes - sometimes 40 - it should look a little tan or a little browned - not like raw beige breadcrumbs
Stir it all up

I love this hot, warm, cool, or cold from refrigerater
I get 6 servings out of this.
Will stay in fridge for like 8 days!

*I do NOT like it AS MUCH after freezing, so I don't do that anymore.

Here's the Idea

I have made the list.
I have crossed one thing off the list.
I am about to do the second.
And then the third. It's a biggy.
I will do, do, do. But not fully turn self off. I will build in little breaks. And reward(s) (like reading or getting log for fireplace or salt for when snows come).
I might even get into tomorrow's list. Or not. We'll see.
I am afraid to go into today's list here.
But I have it.
There are 8 things on it. And a possible 9th.
1 is done.
I am in the midst of the 2nd right now.
And I have now just done the 2nd one. A hard one. Phew.

And now number 3, which was mildly "phobic" is done. Phew.

4 is a bit "scary" but I'm starting right now!

CoDA Morning Work Today

I woke up, had coffee, sent that important e-mail, checked it off my list, spoke with sponsor, did grats and readings, and I feel:

Upset, Fearful a bit, INCAPABLE, Inadequate, Lousy, Insecure, Furious, Barraged with stuff to do, Disturbed, Overlooked, Bothered, Jittery, Numb (even despite all these other feelings), VULNERABLE, REJECTED, Entangled, Defective in a way but not fully because God made me, Lonely, Bypassed, INFERIOR, Anxious, Bothered, Angry, Shaky, Estranged, Left out, Sorrowful, Jilted, Worried, Sad, Lost, REGRETFUL, Undervalued, Wounded, Doubtful, hindered, Dejected, Dissatisfied, Encumbered, Intimidated, Unstable, Blue, Helpless, and Defeated

and
Powerless, Humble, Willing

and
Hopeful, Grateful, Welcoming, Enpowered, Inspired, Sacred, Divine, Open, healthy, Whole, Optimistic, Blessed

I think it is because:
Despite being a compulsive overeater and a codependent, I am in many ways normal. And it is normal to feel all sorts of mixed things and back and forth at this time. I am sad about the decades gone and loving J but him not loving me, and not having seen or faced... ... ...
I am willing to give over to God and eat well and make other changes necessary.
I have inspiration in MA, and O, and St, and M, and things I've accomplished in my past.
I have health and I have strength and I will somehow do it.

5 good things about me:
1. I gave service to my mother yesterday (and it wound up making ME happy)
2. I gave service to O yesterday (and it wound up making ME happy)
3. I am daily trying to do what's right
4. I am seriously considering volunteering at a hospital
5. I am strong. I am.

Today's Readings

Oh boy, wow. Today's For Today:
"Vitality shows in not only the ability to persist, but in the ability to start over." F. Scott Fitzgerald
"What injustice to think myself a failure because I have to begin again! So I slipped, or relapsed; so what?" - or screwed up life and marriage
"Starting over is what all creation is about;" Oh, that is nice.
"Starting over is what all creation is about; it is part of the fabric of success in enterprises ranging from spinning a web to splitting the atom.
"Willingness to make a new beginning us a sign of growth." Wow, do I need to hear this now.
"It means I am returning to the program with a deeper understanding of myself and my illness. Far from wanting to hide in the back of the room, I feel I have something of value to contribute." This is true for me at ww a bit too.
"The Big Book tells me that to get started on the road to recovery, nothing works better than getting out and working with others. One way to do that is to share my discovery that relapse, which for me is the only alternative to teh OA program, has renewed my faith in that program.
"For today: I think of the term, 'retread,' as proof of how wonderfully accepting and free we OAs can be about the nature of our disease. If there were no Overeaters Anonymous I might have to give in to the gloom and doom; but OA is alive and well and going strong - and so am I!"

Today's Voices of Recovery:
"The powerful force that brought me to OA is ready to lead me to teh promises of the program." For Today p. 335
Oh, may that be true. And I think it is, now.
"No human power can relieve me when I feel empty." HUGE!
"God can and will give me peace! All I need to do is read, write, pray, stay close to my Higher Power and OA, and work the Steps. The solution is so much more kind to me than the disease ever was." True. True.

Today's In This Moment:
"In This Moment, I see the humor in my recovery.
There was a time in my life, when I felt so deeply depressed, and in such pain, that I thought the hurt would never end. I have learned that, 'This too, shall pass.' Laughing helps to open my heart. I feel lighter in the world, instead of feeling so burdened with responsibility. I use humor appropriately, instead of deflecting or avoiding my real feelings.
My Higher Power has a fantastic sense of humor. When I allow myself to experience it fully, I see the joy in situations. My laughter is full and genuine."

Today's Language of Letting Go:
"Just as when we were children and grew out of favorite toys and clothes, we sometimes grow out of things as adults - people, jobs, homes. This can be confusing. We may wonder why someone or something that was so special and important to us last year doesn't fit he same way in our life today. We may wonder why our feelings have changed.
"When we were children, we may have tried o fit into an outgrown article of clothing on to our bod. now, as adults, we may go through a time of trying to force-fit attitudes that we have outgrown. We may nee to do this to give ourselves time to realize the truth. What worked last year, what was so important and special to us in times past, doesn't work anymore because we've changed. We've grown.
"We an accept this as a valid and important part of recovery. We can let ourselves go through experimentation and grief as we struggle to make something fit, trying to figure out if indeed it no longer fits, and why. We can explore our feelings and thoughts around what has happened.
"Then, we can put last year's toys away and make room for the new.
"Today, I will let last year's toys be what they were: last year's toys. I will remember them with fondness for the part they played in my life. Then, I will put them away and make room for the new."

Phew.

Oh, I See Them

Can't edit - dashboard not working.
But I see that I'd spelled Gratitudes wrong the last few days, so they're here, they're just filed differently. That feels better. Now off to the readings.

Grats

I'm a little confused. I know I haven't skipped days. Where are they? Hmmm.

I am grateful:

1. Dec. 25 right now. Ability to swallow
2. Coffee in the mornings
3. The sun does come up
4. I can walk
5. My big, old oak tree.
6. Stone steps outside
7. Grass
8. Dirt
9. Breath. Breath. I didn’t always have it. I’m so grateful for breath.
10. Ability to exercise
11. Cheap gym nearby
12. Exercise bands at home
13. And a treadmill too
14. Plus, I can walk
15. And on ww site, there are exercises.
16. And somewhere, I do have little weights.
17. Dec 26 now: I am so grateful for the OA phone marathon that was yesterday and will be today
18. And that I already did the first thing on today’s list.
19. And for that list advice altogether. From MA, who got it from her therapist: Make a list. Do something on the list. Anything. Cross it off. I will be leaning on that this week probably (and maybe beyond).
20. For showering and getting dressed nicely and putting on makeup and driving to get my mother.
21. And going to the place she likes
22. And enjoying our visit
23. And that she did too.
24. And getting to O’s with her special gift.
25. And a nice gift for her mother from Russia too.
26. So in ways, it turned out to be a nice Christmas after all.
27. For the nice dream I had. I’m SO sad that is was but a dream. But maybe it was my psyche’s way of protecting me from constant stress. Grateful for it.
28. In a few minutes, I can call my sponsor.
29. I am grateful for Bach.
30. And that I’m practicing it nowadays.
31. Walks
32. Walks in the woods with J and doggie with her off-leash in front of us. I am grateful I had those.
33. And that she likes swimming. I must find a way to get her some next summer. And I will.
34. People from class (students and parents) giving me gifts. One gave gift from mom, and gift from child. From mom was one thing, from child was stuffed animals and candies. So sweet.
35. WW
36. OA
37. CoDA
38. E-mails
39. Comments on blog. Always so grateful for e-mails and comments on blog.
40. Word games, like boggle and scrabble
41. SMART Board in classroom
42. Piano in classroom – and it got fixed.
43. My mother and I recently sharing things we’ve never shared before.
44. I think I’m ready to be honest with her soon.
45. Maybe it will even be better for me.
46. But I’m also grateful that J was open about not hurting her for Christmas.
47. That the new ww room is bright and cheerful. Not dingy like before.
48. Bright colors, like bright green.
49. That I’m becoming more healthy. Not liking isolating so much. Liking being out and about, walking, driving, talking with others.
50. That counter in our wing, where we gather and talk and sometimes have coffee or tea (or breakfast) for a few minutes before the kids come in, at work.
51. That I get along with the others in my wing.
52. That I just had a great talk with my sponsor.
53. I will walk doggie once or twice today.
54. And cuddle and play with her.
55. And keep OA marathon on.
56. And clean kitchen.
57. And probably bake one protein/veggie bake.
58. And do one load of laundry.
59. And – maybe – see MA
60. And read! I need to read a 500 page book by next week for school! And two chapters of another.
61. I don’t know why, but I feel that I *will * have a life. That I *will * be okay. Even without J.
62. I don’t know what the future brings, but I will keep doing the next right thing.
63. I am so grateful to God.
64. And the cozy time in O’s kitchen while she and her mama were cooking healthy, simple foods for their dinner with her ex-husband, and the house smelled so good, and O was so thrilled with her special present, and her mama kept kissing me and kissing me.
65. And this is the link, if you want to see it. But it’s MUCH prettier in person! Very shiny, and the way the light hits it, I think is why it’s called morph. Sometimes looks wavy…has DEPTH. Inside is shallow – outside is deep. Underneath is the engraving with dot between 12, 16, and 11 for the date of her citizenship. I am not well off and she knows it. But I spend a lot on this. And I’m glad I did. It’s a once in a lifetime thing. http://www.tiffany.com/Shopping/item.aspx?mcat=148204&sku=GRP02252&selectedsku=23781999&cid=287465&search_params=s+5-p+61-c+287465-r+101323338-x+-n+6-ri+-ni+0-t&fromgrid=1
66. J’s old coat to keep me warm.
67. I will find my hat. I have my earmuffs. I just need scarf and gloves.
68. God. God is helping me. (God, please continue to keep helping me).
69. For my online spiritual community.
70. And the person who starts it daily.
71. For the show hoarders. I am not anywhere near that extreme, but it helps me get started. And it helps those people too, I think.
72. That I can get out today. I am not homebound.
73. That the past two days I have had such CLEAN eating.
74. Lamps
75. Elephants.
76. Tigers
77. Siberian tigers.
78. That two of my students (that I know of) have gotten to go on safaris.
79. That I have hair.
80. That I’m developing self-respect.
81. That I’m doing my morning work daily, even if I don’t feel like it.
82. Phones
83. Skype
84. That I got to spend that time with the woman from China last year.
85. The Alvin Ailey dancers.
86. That I got to share more with my mother about the musical side of my teaching.
87. And she loved it.
88. And that I got to share with her some of the great things about her as a mother.
89. That I have a home.
90. And a washing machine!
91. That I am free.
92. Quality artisans
93. The times I had in my 20’s, with my piano teacher at the time, at the home of the composer, sitting by her pool, with the chipmunks and rabbits…as she would be in her bathing suit composing operas. What experiences!
94. That I met with Victoria Dreyfus, in her home.
95. And there, I played on a piano on which Chopin himself had played! What an experience.
96. And I have picnicked at Billy Burke’s grounds during a concert.
97. And I have walked, and swam, and loved.
98. And I am not dead yet. There IS more to come.
99. That I am starting to appreciate life.
100. And to take care of myself.
101. And that EJ has been a help with that.
102. And JJ
103. And Birdie

Thank you, Lord.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Okay. This Day. Insert Breath Here.

Very hard morning!

Then the OA phone meetings.
And LIGHT piano, magazine, tv kind of stuff
Ate well!
PLANNED what would eat at restaurant.
Veggies, etc.
Great time with mother.

And I DID get to go to O's and give her her present - a lovely, little, simple, elegant, engraved present from Tiffany's. I used my coat money, but I don't mind. I do have something warm to wear. And oh, how she lit up with happiness! And I gave some lovely French hand creams to her mom.
It made my evening.

Good Christmas after all.
The gift of giving, (O) and a great time with my dear mom.

Thank you, God.

Tomorrow - let the cleaning begin!

This Is Good!

I prayed and prayed for strength to "do the right thing by my mother."
And I was nervous and thought I couldn't do it.

But I showered and got dressed up and made up, and she loved that,
and I picked her up and took her to her favorite place that's open and she had her favorite dish.
And they were so nice to her.
And -
we had girl talk.
I mean, birth control, money, ... girl talk.
It was a LOVELY visit at Christmas at the restaurant.

I am so grateful I gave this to her.
But I am also so grateful that *I* had it too!
What a great experience!

Like last week, in the hospital, when we were having that great and special visit, sitting up and chatting away about her memories... friendships...
and she said to me, "I'm really loving this visit." And I said, "I am too, Mommy."

Oh thank you, God.

PS I'm no longer jealous of where J. is today.
Because the truth is, this ISN'T about "future-and-here-I-am-all-alone-because-I'm-such-a-loser." It's about TODAY. And TODAY - I was where there wasn't one person I didn't absolutely love at my Christmas dinner!

Oh, thank you, God.

And now, if O is able, I'll see her and give her her citizenship present.
And a little something for her mother who's here from Russia.

And maybe I'll practice a little piano.
Or read.
Or do another OA phone meeting (all day marathon, today and tomorrow, and next Sun. and Mon. too)
After all, it's MY Christmas too.

Yes, I miss J. and am depressed about the situation. But when I'm out with someone I love it's okay! And when I'm "doing the next right thing."
And I've made my schedule of getting house and car in enough order this coming week too.

Oh, thank you all.
And mostly, thank you, God.

J Has Agreed, for My Mother, to

let me lie to her this once, and say he's sick
so we can't go.
This way I don't have to tell her about us on Christmas.
Oh, thank God. Thank you, God.

PS Any and all advice still welcome.

Also my e-mail is lynnblog@hotmail.com

Anyone with Advice for Me, Please Send It Here in a Comment

Thank you

Affirmations

I am cool, calm and collected.

Every breath I inhale calms me and every breath I exhale takes away tension.

Every cell in my body is relaxed and oozes calmness.

I love myself deeply and unconditionally.

As the wonderful, soothing energy of the Universe enters my body, I accept myself completely and deeply, without any reservations.

I am confident about solving life’s problems successfully.

I am social and I like meeting people.

All is well in my world and I am safe.

With every breath, I release the anxiety within me and I become more and more calm.

The future is good. I look towards it with hope and happiness.

Life is wonderful. I trust in God/Universe to live a well fulfilled life.

I overcome my fear of anything and everything and live life courageously.

I acknowledge that the only constant in life is change and am prepared for it.

I am free of anxiety and continue to do so.

Today's Readings

Today's Just for Today:
... "If it were not for others sharing their experience, strength and hope, where would I be?"...
..."For today: is there someone to whom i can gie of myself - my time; my presence, my attention?"

Today's Voices of Recovery:
"thinking of eating is not overeating. We do nothave to act on our feelings. The worst thing we can do is try to talk ourselves out of it . . . we can abstain, no matter what." A Plan of Eating, p. 8
"My sponsor says "stay out of your head. It's a dangerous neighborhood.' a comedian once said, 'whenever I get into an argument with myself I always lose!'
"If I listen to the voices in my head, they can rationalize me into a runaway relapse. Thinking just doesn't work for me.
What works for me is to get out of my head and into my heart with heartfelt prayer and an attitude of gratitude.
What works for me is to get out of my head and into action, working the Steps and using those wonderful tools: a plan of eating, meetings, telephone, literature, sponsorship, writing, and service.
I can abstain, no matter what. Thank you, OA!"

Today's In This Moment:
"In This Moment, it's OK to feel feelings."
..."In recovery, I've learned that I need to allow myself and others to hear the truth and feel appropriate feelings in order to experience life fully."
I'll have to be doing that for my mother soon.

Today's Language of Letting Go:
..."Sometimes, the holidays can be difficult and lonely.
Here are some ideas I've learned through personal experience, and practice, to help us get through difficult holidays:
Deal with feelings, but try not to dwell unduly on them." Okay. Good.
"Put the holidays in perspective: A holiday is one day out of 365. We can get through any 24-hour period.
Get through the day, but be aware that there may be a post-holiday backlash." Really? Oh, shit.
"Sometimes, if we use our survival behaviors to get through the day, the feelings will catch up to us the next day. Deal with them too. Get back on track as quickly as possible." I'd better be able to. I have a lot of cleaning to do. Seriously. A lot. Really need to.
"Find and cherish the love that's available, even if it's not exzctly what we want. Is there someone we can give love to and receive love from? Recovering friends? is there a family who would enjoy sharing their holiday with us?" Isn't this a little late to be asking this? Shouldn't we have thought of this LAST week? "Don't be a martyr; go. There ma be those who would appreciate our offer to sahre our day with them.
We are not in the minority if we find ourselves experiencing a less-than-ideal holiday. how easy, but untrue, to tell ourselves the rest of the world is experiencing the perfect holiday, and we're alone in conflict.
We can create our own holiday agenda. Buy yourself a present. Find someone to whom you can give. Unleash your loving, nurturing self and give in to the holiday spirit.
Maybe past holidays haven't been terrific. Maybe this year wasn't terrific. But next year can be better, and the next a little better. Work toward a better life - one that meets your needs. Before long, you'll have it.
God, help me enjoy and cherish this holiday. If my situation is less than ideal, help me take what's good and let go of the rest."

I hope this has helped someone.
I do not feel like it's helped me.

CoDA Morning Work Today

I woke up, petted doggie, had coffee, did gratitudes, did e-mails, and I feel:

Bypassed, Powerless, Lonely, Rejected, Surprised (Taken off guard), Baffled, Sorrowful, Isolated, VULNERABLE, Battered, HELPLESS, Ill, Inadequate, Broken, Shaky, Burdened, Estranged, Ostracized, Doubtful, Alone, REGRETFUL in so many ways, Inferior, Neglected, Afraid, Ashamed, Foolish, Ridiculous, Ignored, Alienated, Excluded, Unappreciated, Hindered (by my own self), Downcast, Despairing, Tense, Low, Bothered, Anxious, Toppled, Disconnected, Abandoned, Wounded, Undervalued, Low, Frightened, Sad, Upset, Jilted, Worried (about my mother), Ineffective, Absurd, Destroyed, Dreadful, Brittle, Dejected, Encumbered, Incapable, Miserable, Unstable, and SCARED.

and
Defeated, Powerless, Willing, Humble

and
Sacred, Grateful, Hopeful, blessed, Open, Needed (by MA) and Optimistic

I think it is because:
Decades. Decades.
And grieving.
And SO worried about my mother and today being Christmas. Need J to agree to say he's sick because other plan didn't work. She wants to go! : ( It's important to wait a month or more to tell her about us... Oh dear.
And worried about myself, my money, my house, my abilities, my future, my health, my stress.

Middle stuff: Programs. It's good to feel those ways.

Last stuff:
I don't know. God inside me maybe. There is some hope somewhere deep down, like the beginnings of a bubbling little brook.
And a couple of times - a couple of times - the freedoms has even felt exhilarating for a moment.

5 Good Things about Me:
Oh boy.
Okay.
Um.
Oh boy.
Um.

Time going by

um

1.
There must be something. Maybe even something I haven't said.

1. I did the right thing after all, regarding O's citizenship.
2. I am deep. I think J. doesn't like that, but it might be a good thing anyway.
3. People always say I'm funny. (I know these are not all new).
4. I am generous
5. I am working on living the Five Mindfulness Trainings

So Very Sad - Must Do Gratitudes

I am grateful:

1. Cute adorable little doggie is here. She is so sweet and dear and a great lesson in how to live. I love her.
2. Could feel her next to me in bed as I slept
3. I slept some. Not enough. But some is better than none.
4. I have electricity
5. I do not have a serious illness (not counting compulsive overeating).
6. I just took a deep breath, after seeing Birdie's comment and realizing she was here.
7. O called yesterday
8. This COULD possibly be my last lonely and horrible Christmas...
9. I got showered yesterday morning. Didn't wash hair, but did shower.
10. And brush teeth.
11. And put on clean clothes
12. And went to ww meeting.
13. And it was good.
14. And I had already filled my car with gas.
15. I'm still doing my thumb exercises.
16. And it's still working, thank God.
17. And then I did go to an OA meeting.
18. And it was great.
19. And I'll go to that one again, I'm sure.
20. In fact, that may become my new Saturday routine: the one meeting and then the other. And then my mother to the bank and shopping.
21. And then yesterday I did take my mother to the bank and shopping.
22. I ate so well yesterday.
23. J. kissed me like 5 times. Don't worry. I know he doesn't love me in that way. But at least he appreciates that I'm good.
24. Got a great hug from D, guy in whose house J is living, D's dog having recently died.
25. Maybe my mother will be ok today, with my lie to spare her.
26. I finally called that therapist.
27. He will get back to me Monday.
28. Jesus
29. Catholicism
30. Buddhism
31. The people who have e-mailed me yesterday and today. Not alone is good and very important.
32. That I have a washer and dryer here.
33. That I am capable of doing laundry.
34. That I will get to the dentist soon.
35. And the gynecologist.
36. And the regular doctor.
37. And I see my great opthomologist in January.
38. That our union leader thinks our pension might be safe after all. No crystal ball, but a good feeling based on some facts.
39. I WILL clean this week. I WILL.
40. I finally got garbage out Friday.
41. And they took it.
42. Tomorrow I'll bring my car in for headlight and inspection.
43. And if I can, I'll walk home. With doggie That'll be good for us. OR across the street to the gym. We'll see. Or, maybe I'll sit there on my butt and read...
44. Choices
45. Freedom
46. I'll get to give O her present today or tomorrow
47. I practiced a little piano yesterday.
48. I WILL get that broken room (no heat and broken windows) fixed. I WILL.
49. And I WILL light a fire in the little fireplace.
50. And start LIVING in the home I've paid for for so long.
51. Health insurance
52. That I get to keep J on it for a while. It's good for him.
53. That I am able to speak and write well when I need to (work, etc.)
54. I can go to many meetings this week if I'd like.
55. I've decided I have to say no to watching that other cute little doggie at end of January. I'll be allergic /it'll be bad for my doggie/ and she piddles in the house. I'm glad I'm able to say no.
56. Meditation. I am not going to wait for that room to start doing it regularly. Daily.
57. Prayer.
58. My OA sponsor.
59. My CoDA sponsor.
60. My friends. Especially: MA, ML, S, St, O, M, K, Ma, Jo, JA.
61. People at work seem to really like and care for me.
62. I have earned that.
63. Some of the presents I've gotten.
64. I'm starting to get a LITTLE self-pride, the good kind.
65. My lips look pretty with lip pencil.
66. Exercise bands.
67. Dvds
68. The inspiration that O's little house is to me for mine.
69. Plants
70. That someone is watering mine at work during vacation.
71. Even though I love it so much, I'm glad I didn't put up a Christmas tree this year.
72. But next year I think I will somehow.
73. You never know what the future holds. I might wind up happy after all.
74. And in THIS MOMENT, I am safe and can breathe deeply and live well for the moment.
75. One day at a time.
76. Yesterday's OA meeting could be a big help in my eating well today. (And ww too).
77. That I'm not counting my readings as part of my gratitudes yesterday and today. It feels deeper somehow this way.
78. People in the entertainment field who make others laugh.
79. This too, shall pass. Impermanence.
80. Buddhist: "No inferiority. No superiority. No equality." I'm beginning to get that now.
81. My Buddha little necklace from M. It comforts me to wear it.
82. I can't help it. Last time I was cheerful and more independent, J came back. There's a .25 percent he will again. I doubt it. I mean really, POINT 25. But still...
83. OR Maybe we WILL be able to be friends.
84. Or maybe someday I won't care.
85. Maybe someday I'll talk to other-J. again.
86. Maybe someday I'll be in love with someone right for me.
87. I do have enough money to live, for today.
88. I have teeth.
89. I can see. That's huge for me.
90. I can speak. I remember when I couldn't.
91. Maybe this relationship was karma payback for the one that was kind of the opposite. I don't really believe in that, but if it was, I am paid in full.
92. I am learning that I don't NEED another person. I WANT another person - it is wonderful to be loved and to love, but that's different than DEPENDENCE.
93. Tv
94. The light classical music channel
95. Laptop
96. Ability to communicate with people all over the world on the internet.
97. That 6 followers are listed here. I SOOOO don't want to be alone in cyber-space.
98. I have a roof.
99. I have heat. I remember when I didn't.
100. I can walk.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

So He Wrote in a Card for Me:

( a cute little doggie card )

and I quote:

Lynn, I hope you have a good Christmas, and I really do wish you a Happy & Healthy New Yesr. You deserve it
With love,
J(and his name)

It's hard to face that he really is done. Wow.

But I am trying to internalize that one doesn't really NEED someone else. Or romantic love, for that matter. One WANTS it. But that's different than NEEDS.

Still trying to grow.

Thank you if you're reading this.

Affirmations

I am surrounded by love and everything is fine.

My heart is always open and I radiate love.

All my relationships are long lasting and loving.

I see everything with loving eyes and I love everything I see.

My partner is the love of my life and the center of my universe. He loves me as much as I love him.

In life I always get what I give out and I always give out love.

I encounter love in all my relationships and I love these encounters.

I deserve love and I get it in abundance.

I have attracted the most loving person in my life and life is now full of joy.

I love myself and everybody else and in return everybody loves me.

Everywhere I go, I find love. Life is joyous.

My partner and I are the perfect match for each other and the love between us is divine.

I give out love and it is returned to me multiplied.

CoDA Morning Work Today

I woke up (well, barely slept at all), made and had coffee, did grats, readings, dear God, and I feel:

Insecure, lonely, anxious, left out, jilted, shaky, frightened, bothered, rotten, alone, sad, neglected, blue, wounded, unhappy, betrayed, estranged, burdened, envious, overlooked, deflated, abandoned, numb, envious, bewildered, regretful, irritated, angry, confused, dreadful, depressed, unloved, rebuked, incapable, frustrated, undervalued, downtrodden, upset, scared, exhausted, rejected, slighted, bruised, fearful, suspicious, ill

and
Willing, humble, powerless

and
Supported, grateful, hopeful, blessed, healthy, sacred, whole, divine, determined

I think it is because:
J. wants divorce. He was nasty - like angry a bit yesterday. He will see his family tomorrow. I'm afraid of what they'll come up with. I have so much to do and not enough time or energy for it all. I didn't sleep last night. This happened last time, but I was only 29. I don't have the energy for that at 56.

Middle stuff: OA and CoDA

Third stuff: Gratitudes. I know I am very fortunate. I thank God for all my luck. I will try.

Oh boy, 5 good things about me. Oh dear. Um.

1. I do for my mother
2. My friends say I am a good friend.
3. Everyone says I am a good teacher.
4. I am compassionate.
5. I have intelligence.

Dear God

Dear God,

A.C.T.S.

A
Adoration
I praise and adore only You.

C
Contrition
I am so sorry for all my horrible actions. Brought on by my character defects of fear, envy, neediness, greed, dependence, defensiveness.
I am so sorry for every time in every way that I did not honor You with my actions.

T
Thanksgiving
Thank you for everything in my gratitudes list.

S
Supplication
Please keep me safe. Please. Safe and secure. I have worked hard all my life. Please don't make me be dirt poor. Please help J. to be fair with me. Please help us to get along. Please give me strength. Please help me to take care of my body. Please help me to do Your will.

Amen.
T

Today's Readings

Oh boy. Today's For Today: "An unrestricted satisfaction of every need presents itself as the most enticing method of conducting one's life, but it means putting enjoyment before caution, and soon brings its own punishment." Sigmund Freud

"I thought I was supposed to enjoy every minute. I also thought if I wants something I should have it."
That was me. I'm glad I'm not the only one.

"Pain was to be avoided.
Today I know that the pain of compulsive overeating is worse than any problem I may have to face. I know, too, that it's easy to forget that pain.
Although my life is better than it has eery been," (that gives me hope) "I need a daily reminder that abstinence is the single most important thing in my life. I have paid my dues as a compulsive overeater. Thank God, I am here in Overeaters Anonymous. I never want to go back to where I came from.
For today: I recognize the difference between what I want and what I need. For me, 'first things first' means putting abstinence before anything else."

--

Today's Voices of Recovery:

"Alas, it is not enough to want to be rid of the unpleasant side effects of my illness. I need to be willing to give up that which attracts me in the first place: the gratification, sedation, or whatever other payoff I get for practicing my compulsion." For Today p. 132

Ah, true.

"The main payoff I get from compulsive eating is relief from loneliness." Good point.

"As a small child, I sought friendship in food. For as long as I can remember, food has been a companion to console me when i had no one else to turn to, to look after me when I thought no one else cared. My loneliness has decreased since I cam to OA."

I hope that happens for me.

"I learned to replace food with love of myself and of others. I've let go of compulsive eating, one day at a time, for more than nine years. God has replaced food with something incomparably better: a happy, joyous life."

That gives me some hope.
Plus, a year ago today, I had written, "& so i need to not run down the hall away from people." That's how shy/scared I literally was. Now I go out to lunch with them. That is a bit of growth!

--

Today's In This Moment:
..."I have learned through CoDA to let things happen in God's time."

--

Today's Language of Letting Go
"Getting through the Holidays
For some, the sights, signs, and smells of the holidays bring joy and a warm feeling. But, while others are joyously diving into the season, some of us are dipping into conflict, guilt, and a sense of loss.
We read articles on how to enjoy the holidays, we read about the Christmas blues, but many of us still can't figure out how to get through the holiday season. We may not know what a joyous holiday would look and feel like.
Many of us are torn between what we WANT to do on the holiday, and what we feel we HAVE to do. We may feel guilty because we don't want to be with our families. We may feel a sense of loss because we don't have the kind of family to be with that we want. may of us, year after year, walk into the same dining room on the same holiday,expecting this year to be different. Then we leave, year after year, feeling let down, disappointed, and confused by it all.
Many of us have old, painful memories triggered by the holidays.
Many of feel a great deal of relief when the holiday is ended.
One of the greatest gifts of recovery is learning that we are not alone. There are probably as many of us in conflict during the holidays than there are those who feel at peace. We're learning, through trial and error, how to take care of ourselves a little better each holiday season.
Our first recovery task during the holidays is to accept ourselves, our situation, and our feelings about our situation. We accept our guilt, anger, and sense of loss. It's all okay.
There is no right or perfect way to handle the holidays. Our strength can be found in doing the best we can, one year at a time.
This holiday season, I will give myself permission to take care of myself."

Wow.

==

My Husband Has Said He Wants a Divorce

First I cried and was so sad
Then some panic
Then some denial
Then some internal bargaining.
All in one evening.

I'm scared.

But reached out to people.
Got support.
Am very grateful to them.

Will find a way.

I would much rather try again. With what we know now. Decency etc. My taking better care of myself; him doing work..

But he has rights too and this is what he wants.

Besides, I really don't have any choice anyway.

Now more worried - hope he doesn't try to screw me financially. I didn't do that to first husband, nor he to me. And I wouldn't do it to J. Please God, don't let him. He will see his family tomorrow. I hope they don't talk him into anything.

He seemed angry.
I don't understand.

I must remember: We both did the best we could with what we had/knew at the time.

Please God, I ask for safety and kindness for us both.
Thank you.

Must Find 100 Gratitudes for Today

1. Breath
2. Supermarket nearby
3. Access to health food store
4. Water. Plenty of water.
5. Blanket
6. Lights
7. Heat
8. Car
9. Job
10. Fingers that work
11. Hands that work
12. I can walk
13. I can see
14. I can speak
15. I have friends
16. MA
17. ML
18. S
19. St
20. M
21. O
22. Jo
23. Ma
24. Tr
25. B
26. My mother
27. Piano
28. Laptop
29. Furniture
30. Roof
31. Pension, maybe
32. Some health insurance though it's very expensive
33. The park
34. Beaches
35. Two feet
36. Two kidneys
37. Two legs
38. Ability to eat better lately
39. Some weight loss
40. God in my life
41. E-mails from supportive people
42. EJ
43. Birdie
44. JJ
45. Pens
46. Paper
47. Books
48. Dr.
49. Whole food
50. Fruit
51. Collards
52. Spinach
53. Broccoli
54. Artichoke hearts
55. Didn't sleep last night, but there is hope that I will tonight.
56. Most night I have slept
57. Talking with sponsor yesterday
58. Talking with MA yesterday
59. Talking with O yesterday
60. M calling from vacation. I won't tell her the issue til she gets back; don't want her thinking of it on vacation
61. OA meetings
62. CoDA meetings
63. Orange juice
64. Vitamins
65. Needed medications
66. Ginger tea yesterday afternoon
67. Doggie
68. Every doggie I've ever had
69. Wood floors
70. Shoes
71. Windows
72. Vegan cookbooks
73. Bargain stores
74. Reiki
75. Mindfulness meditation
76. MA's friend R wants me to teach her to meditate
77. Ma and all the spiritual stuff we've done together
78. The Five Mindfulness Trainings
79. My spirituality
80. WW today. With good leader.
81. O. will call later. Maybe I'll get to give her her present today.
82. Coat to wear for now. It's just J's old one, but it's warmth.
83. That I've climbed that one time.
84. That I've ridden horses. I wouldn't now, but glad I have.
85. That I've flown.
86. That I've been good to my cousin Joa
87. Phone
88. Cell phone
89. That I've done 3 separate weeks with Thich Nhat Hahn
90. That I'm a vegan
91. Earrings
92. Healthy skin
93. That I'm doing gratitudes
94. Bras
95. My elephant statuette, even though it's broken
96. Hope. For myself
97. Ability to type
98. That O loved the Citizenship book my little class made for her
99. That it helped little W feel good about herself
100. That I went to that concert last week.

Wow. I do have a lot to be grateful for.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Affirmations

I am surrounded by love and everything is fine.

My heart is always open and I radiate love.

All my relationships are long lasting and loving.

I see everything with loving eyes and I love everything I see.

My partner is the love of my life and the center of my universe. He loves me as much as I love him.

In life I always get what I give out and I always give out love.

I encounter love in all my relationships and I love these encounters.

I deserve love and I get it in abundance.

I have attracted the most loving person in my life and life is now full of joy.

I love myself and everybody else and in return everybody loves me.

Everywhere I go, I find love. Life is joyous.

My partner and I are the perfect match for each other and the love between us is divine.

I give out love and it is returned to me multiplied.

CoDA Morning Work Today

I woke up, took out garbage, got coffee, did grats, and I feel:

Nervous about cleaning
Lazy
Stomach icky
Scared

and
Grateful
Happy about mother
Hopeful about future

5 good things about me:
1. I am becoming more responsible about the things I wasn't, before
2. I am overcoming phobias
3. I am a noble spirit
4. I do not take advantage of the vulnerable. I am very aware of this today, as EMT's stole pills from my mother when she was on the floor!
5. I pray for others.

Gratitudes 100 Today

I am grateful:

1. Thurs. – My mom says her heart test came out fine
2. She *says * she’ll find out more about rehab before totally refusing
3. I got to the used-to-be-phobic mall!
4. And the used-to-be-phobic under thing parking lot. With no troubles!
5. Picked up O’s present
6. Feel better today
7. Talked with MA this am
8. Now it’s Friday: I got the garbage out. Finally. I feel so good about it. Finally.
9. And I went to get coffee. So early. Still dark out. Felt good.
10. And I mailed that check that needed to be nailed. Good.
11. My mom did get home yesterday.
12. I spent about 3 hours on it.
13. Including fixing her pills.
14. And I feel good about it.
15. She was very thankful.
16. I have another chance today. To do something nice for my mom.
17. To get the place cleaner, like hers always is.
18. I had pleasant dreams. Unfortunately I woke up. But they were pleasant, and I’m grateful for those minutes.
19. Also, they might mean something – who knows?
20. I can treat myself really well today. Why not?
21. I should probably get to see MA within a few days.
22. Today’s For Today: “True ambition is not what we thought it was. True ambition is the profound desire to live usefully and walk humbly under the grace of God.” Bill W.
23. “My worth as a human being – and, yes, my happiness – is not measured in money or position or in what I own.
24. “it comes from y usefulness to myself and others,
25. “and it is to be found in something no amount of money or prestige can buy: the OA program of recovery.
26. “What price a new quality of thought? Today I am teachable,
27. “with freedom to grow,
28. “to change,
29. “to resolve problems
30. “and feel good.
31. “Where is that for sale? A good day is when I can use my gifts to help another person, and that can’t be bought.
32. “Worldly acquisitions may give me the appearance of feeling good, but that’s all they give – appearance – and today I know the difference.” Wow.
33. “For today: When I get caught up in materialistic values and think that money or position will fix me, I remind myself that neither money nor position could have given me what I received in OA.”
34. How I wish I’d known this before. But at least I’m seeing it now.
35. The First Mindfulness Training: Aware of the suffering caused by the destruction of life, I am committed to cultivating compassion and learning ways to protect the lives or people, animals, plants and minerals. I am determined not to kill, not to let others kill, and not to support any act of killing in the world, in my thinking, and in my way of life.
36. The Second Mindfulness Training – Aware of suffering caused by exploitation, social injustice, stealing and oppression, I am committed to cultivating loving kindness and learning was to work for the well-being of people, animals, plants and minerals. I will practice generosity by sharing my time, energy and material resources with those who are in real need. I am determined not to steal and not to possess anything that should belong to others. I will respect the property of others, but I will prevent others from profiting from human suffering or the suffering of other species on Earth.
37. The Third Mindfulness Training – Aware of the suffering caused by sexual misconduct. I am committed to cultivating responsibility and learning ways to protect the safety and integrity of individuals, couples, families and society. I am determined not to engage in sexual relations without love and a long-term commitment. To preserve the happiness of myself and others, I am determined to respect my commitments and the commitments of others. I will do everything in my power to protect children from sexual abuse and to prevent couples and families from being broken by sexual misconduct.
38. The Fourth Mindfulness Training – Aware of suffering caused by unmindful speech and the inability to listen to others, I am committed to cultivating loving speech and deep listening in order to bring joy and happiness to others and relieve others of their suffering. Knowing that words can create happiness or suffering, I am determine to speak truthfully, with words that inspire self-confidence, joy and hope. I will not spread news that I do not know to be certain and will not criticize or condemn things of which I am not sure. I will refrain from uttering words that can cause division or discord, or that can cause the family or the community to break. I am determined to make all efforts to reconcile and resolve all conflicts, however small.
39. The Fifth mindfulness Training – Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful consumption, I am committed to cultivating good health, both physical and mental, for myself, my family and my society by practicing mindful eating, drinking and consuming. I will ingest only items that preserve peace, well-being and joy in my body, in my consciousness and in the collective body and consciousness of my family and society. I am determined not to use alcohol or any other intoxicant or to ingest foods or other items that contain toxins, such as certain TV programs, magazines, books, films and conversations. I am aware that to damage my body or my consciousness with these poisons is to betray my ancestors, my parents, my society and future generations. I will work to transform violence, fear, anger and confusion in myself and in society by practicing a diet for myself and for society. I understand that aa proper diet is crucial for self-transformation and for the transformation of society.
40. I know there is still some hope with J. A little, but some. The last two times I thought there was none, I was wrong. And now I know. And I’m very grateful for that.
41. I’m also grateful that I no longer quite make him my higher power.
42. Today’s Voices of Recovery: “When we keep OA’s Eighth Tradition, we discover a beautiful spirit of caring service which becomes a powerful factor in our healing.” OA 12 & 12 p. 176
43. “The recovery and growth I’ve received from doin service astounds me.
44. Oh wow: “By sponsoring, I learned how to be in a relationship.” Wow
45. “By leading workshops, I learned how to be a facilitator.
46. “By chairing a committee, I learned how to work on a team and was able to transfer those skills and that knowledge to my family.” (Why can’t I transfer them from work? I guess I can, now).
47. “I learned how to listen and how to compromise for the good of OA as a whole, and so I learned how to listen and compromise for the good of my family or my relationship.” I’d give anything to have learned this sooner. Well, better now than never.
48. “I learned that I don’t have to do it all.
49. “I learned that ‘group conscience’ works in many situations, including work and home.
50. “…I am learning who I really am and who I am becoming.
51. “All of this for the small price of some of my time and energy.
52. “The rewards have been immeasurable.”
53. Today’s Voices of Recovery: “… This holiday season, the most meaningful gift I can give my family is to continue working my recovery program.
54. Today’s Language of Letting Go: “…Not all our memories are pleasant, especially if we grew up in a [dysfunctional] setting. We may not understand why we suddenly feel afraid, depressed, anxious.
55. “We may not understand what has triggered our codependent coping behaviors – the low self-worth, the need to control, the need to neglect ourselves.
56. “When that happens, we need to understand that some innocuous event may be triggering memories recorded deep within us.
57. “If something, even something we don’t understand, triggers painful memories, we can pull ourselves back int tohe present by self-care:
58. “acknowledging our feelings,
59. “detaching,
60. “working the Steps,
61. “and affirming ourselves.
62. “We can take action to feel good.
63. “We can haelp ourselves feel better each Christmas.
64. “No matter what the past held,
65. “we can put it in perspective,
66. “and create a more pleasant holiday today.
67. “Today, I will gently work through my memories of this holiday season.
68. “I will accept my feelings, even if I consider them different than what others are feeling this holiday.
69. “God, help me let go,
70. “heal from,
71. “and release the painful memories surrounding the holidays.
72. “Help me finish my business from the past,
73. “so I can create the holiday of my choice.”
74. Coffee
75. Water
76. Tv
77. Laughter
78. Books
79. Piano
80. Fireplace
81. Car
82. House keys
83. Car keys
84. Breath
85. Time
86. Doggie coming tonight yay
87. Everyone who sees/reads this
88. Sitcom that still makes me laugh.
89. Oak doors
90. I love our doorbell.
91. And our windows.
92. Food in fridge and freezer
93. Water. Water. Lots of water.
94. Breathing more deeply now.
95. A day off. Needed. Good.
96. E-mail
97. K. called yesterday evening.
98. Toast
99. Tea
100. Aunt L.