Offline

I am going to try to turn off my computer for about 5 days.
Hope to make it through til Tuesday.
Will do grats in nb.
Good for the soul...

My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am truly grateful:

1. I am glad that I finally blocked S. He is horrible. I do not wish any sadness upon him, but I don’t like seeing the things he says. Insulting to two major religions, pro “partial birth abortion” on demand, and speaks with great authority on everything, with no sources whatsoever. Including debating with Orthodox Rabbis because he knows how to interpret the Torah better, and with me about Catholicism. I have a Master’s Degree in the subject and he admits to having only read something like Christianity for dummies. He also posted a very insulted picture of himself standing in front of the large cruicifix in Arizona, in a crucifixtion stance, with a wide smile on his face. A couple of us said it was in very poor taste and he should remove it. He replied that Jesus “was ours first and we can do what we want.” So. Again. I don’t wish anything unhappy on him. But I am glad he is out of my life. He is also the person who tormented L for no reason – I saw it unfold – and tried to destroy him. God save him. I’m done and I’m grateful. A tried to talk me into not blocking, so I could argue on important posts. But I finally had to do what I had to do. Plus, I don’t go to fb to argue. I go for inspiration.
2. I am grateful THAT I don’t go to fb for fighting, but for inspiration.
3. Piano
4. Chopin. Chopin Chopin Chopin.
5. What I get. In a million ways. Big and small.
6. Like my freedom
7. Piano lessons as kid
8. Masters degree
9. Pedicures
10. My Vitamix
11. Some organic foods
12. Friendships
13. iPad
14. iPod
15. iPhone
16. MacBrook Pro laptop
17. Tv
18. Stereo
19. My dear birdy boys
20. This _________
21. “This is a wonderful day, I have never seen this one before.”
~ Maya Angelou
22. Jigsaw puzzles
23. Rubenstein
24. Youtube, where I can hear him easily and for free
25. This _________
26. This _________
27. Tweeting. I am listening to it right now
28. That they don’t squawk.
29. And not just for me – but this may mean they’re happy enough too.
30. Plants
31. Indoors and outdoors
32. Lilacs
33. Tulips
34. Oak trees
35. Evergreen trees
36. Grass
37. Sky
38. Clouds
39. Rain
40. Light pure white snow
41. Warmth
42. a/c
43. j gave me 30 dollars yesterday
44. and was nice to me
45. and gave me bottles of water
46. and helped with printer
47. Hope
48. God
49. Thich Nhat Hanh
50. Organic peanut butter
51. Organic plums
52. Organic peaches
53. Organic string beans
54. Organic baby kale
55. And for birdies too
56. Retreats
57. Meditation
58. I can see
59. I can speak
60. I can read
61. I can hear
62. I can walk
63. I can write
64. I can think
65. All parts of my body work. My heart
66. My lungs
67. My liver
68. My kidneys
69. My intestines
70. My feet
71. My legs
72. My hands
73. My throat
74. My esophagus
75. My arms
76. My bloodstream
77. I can breathe on my own
78. Reiki
79. Chakras
80. Smiles
81. Laughter
82. I had two parents
83. And four grandparents
84. And J for a while
85. I am lucky to live here
86. With a home
87. And a car
88. And a job
89. Affirmations
90. Jesus
91. Nice people. Who care about others
92. Animal sanctuaries
93. Koko the gorilla
94. And that I have taught so many about her
95. Books
96. Silly repeat sitcoms. Yes
97. Cleaning
98. Garbage pick-up
99. Toys for the birds
100. Access to water. That’s lucky and I am grateful for it.

100 Gratitudes Today - Theme turns out to be freedom:)

I am grateful:

1. free grass
2. free trees
3. free flowers
4. free plants
5. free mountains
6. free clouds
7. free stars
8. free rivers
9. free lakes
10. free streams
11. free oceans
12. free birds
13. free fish
14. free animals
15. free trails
16. free woods
17. free ponds
18. free vistas
19. free views
20. free water to drink
21. free stones
22. free dirt
23. free sand
24. free air
25. free birdsong
26. free leaves
27. free squirrels to watch
28. and birds to watch
29. free chipmunks to see
30. and free rabbits to see
31. free meditation
32. free thought
33. free books at libraries
34. free right and ability to walk
35. free park to walk to
36. free woods
37. free dreams
38. free hearing
39. free speech
40. free beliefs
41. freedom to worship or not
42. anyone(s) at all
43. freedom of a summer day
44. and of a Saturday
45. I can have animal companions. Well allergies and other considerations interfere but I am FREE to
46. I am free to do the job of my choie
47. And live where I want
48. And to visit friends
49. Come and go as I please
50. Drive. I think there was a time when women shouldn’t
51. Vote
52. Speak out in public
53. Write if I want
54. Read anything I want
55. I could choose to have sex across the world if I wanted to. (I DON’T WANT TO – but I COULD)
56. Free to help people in need
57. Or non-human animals in need
58. To cook whatever the fuck I want
59. To belong to a gym
60. Or not
61. To dance
62. To smile
63. To be hugged by children who love me
64. To go to movies
65. Plays
66. The mountains
67. The beaches
68. Broadway
69. Vegan restaurants
70. To save a little money
71. Or not
72. To wear jewelry
73. Or not
74. To wear my hair purple or yellow or bald if I wish
75. To paint. Even though I paint VERY badly lol
76. To write (bad) poems
77. I am even free to let go
78. To heal
79. To travel
80. I am free to love
81. To kiss
82. To hold
83. To take walks
84. Or stay in alone
85. To give a party
86. Or attend one
87. To continue learning French
88. To live more in nature
89. To crochet
90. To play games
91. To chat on the phone
92. To email people
93. To play my instrument
94. Or any other
95. To hug a tree
96. To talk to the animals
97. To sing out loud
98. To play for my STUDENTS – as have piano in CLASSROOM!
99. To give my opinion on very important things
100. Truth
101. Keeping confidences

51 today Grats

I am grateful:


1. This______
2. This is IMPORTANT...you must feel this way every minute...it is essential to your soul's growth. It is essential to move forward in this life...you must know and believe this is the truth. Feel it and life will change accordingly....________
3. Staying up too late lying down with book light reading til 2 am last night. Fun.
4. Organice peanut butter
5. On whole grain spelt bread. Right now
6. Coffee with organic chocolate soy milk
7. Counting calories
8. And trying to get the mostnutrition I can from them
9. Fresh organic summer fruit
10. There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle. ~ Albert Einstein _______
11. That I never killed myself
12. Hearing from O
13. My gracious reply
14. Who knows maybe we will not be enemies forever: (
15. My friendship with M
16. Rivers in the Ocean
Be a lamp, or a lifeboat or a ladder.
Help someone’s soul heal.
~ Rumi
Art © Betty Albert _________
17. I am grateful to be alive
18. And for my birdies talking
19. And me affording fresh organic baby kale
20. For them AND for me lol
21. Jokes
22. Humor
23. Laughter
24. Books with twists (like Defending Jacob)
25. Movies with twists (Like Presumed Innocent)
26. My dr
27. My eye doctor
28. The breeze today
29. Gotta go to freakin lawyer again. Hate it beyond words. But – glad not putting it off (mother stuff)
30. “When we least expect it, life puts us before a challenge that will test our courage and our willingness to change.”
Paulo Coelho
31. Eyesight. Very lucky
32. Car. That runs
33. Gas in it. Won’t even have to stop…
34. Home
35. Birds!
36. Food
37. Hair. (I know a woman with alopecia)
38. Zen to Zany
The things we don't worry about come easily...the things we believe we "desperately" want or need seem to illude us....and that is the truth for everyone. If you believe in lack the universe keeps you lacking. The trick here (and I could write volumes on this one topic ) is to stop searching and act as if you already have what it is you are seeking. Just imagine you have what you have always wanted...and what you always wanted will find you. It isn't magic...its quantum theories and thought manifestation. I am sure you have heard this before, but little reminders always help
39. my ability to hear
40. to touch
41. to taste
42. to eel
43. to laugh
44. and to love
45. and not just romantic love. But friends love
46. poetry love
47. animals love
48. family love
49. students love
50. God love
51. This _________

Summer

Last night and today,
Summer came
to,
"Come here."
Oh good.
So both do now.
Maybe wings clipped temporarily and painlessly WILL work for their safety in the longrun. And - for *their* fun in relationship with me:)
I love my boys xo

My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful:

1. Sleep last night. I had nightmares. BUT I had SLEEP! And I am glad: )
2. Waking up this morning. Yup
3. This _________
4. My therapist yesterday
5. My trees and lilac bush moving in the breeze this morning
6. Little early-morning chirps from the boys: )
7. My freedom
8. That I live here
9. This _________
10. That I stayed dispassionate in my online debate. With help.
11. A
12. That the M thing WAS just a dream. Phew.
13. My eyesight
14. Good doctors
15. My eyedrops
16. Tapering the Paxil
17. Jesus
18. That I am employed
19. That I am implyABLE
20. I just saw someone online be thankful for “another day.” I am too! : )
21. That when I sit at the piano, it makes me feel so good
22. AND – the birdies love it! (They have no taste LOL!)
23. Smiles
24. Joy
25. Books
26. Reading
27. That I learned to
28. As a child
29. And that I can again now (couldn’t for a while after J left)
30. Squirrels
31. The Dalai Lama. I am in the Community of Interbeing, with Thich Nhat Hanh. But the Dalai Lama says things – following them I can’t go wrong: )
32. Like this: “Every day, think as you wake up, ‘today I am fortunate to have woken up.
33. “I am alive, I have a precious human life.
34. “I am not going to waste it.
35. “I am going to use all my energies to develop myself,
36. “to expand my heart out to others,
37. “to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings.
38. “I am going to have kind thoughts towards others.
39. “I am not going to get angry,
40. “or think badly about others.
41. “I am going to benefit others as much as I can.”
42. I needed that today! And there it was!
43. http://www.buddhanet.net/e-learning/buddhism/meditate/lotus.htm _________
44. Reading Defending Jacob
45. Have others to start after it
46. No a/c on and house comfortable
47. Tchaikovsky
48. W wants to take me out again
49. It looks like I have a date next week.
50. And it is a second date.
51. My dr. likes that idea of me going on little dates.
52. So cool here today. Like sweater weather. Feels cozy. Gonna read. Have played piano…
53. Counting calories today. Liking it. One day.
54. That day I sat with a baby goat on my lap. For such a long time. 4 months old. Just kind of cuddled in and slept there on me: )
55. And J loved it and waited: )
56. _________
57. Or – it might have been a lamb. I remember it was one, that LOOKED LIKE the other
58. _________
59. Books. Books books books books books books books
60. Sheet music
61. That I can read music: )
62. That I have such a good sense of rhythm. Can dance, keep a beat, …
63. Contentment. Just plain old level contentment. Not excited overly, not depressed, not anything huge. Just content.
64. M’s friendship for over 13 years
65. MA’s for 24
66. ML’s for 24
67. St’s for 22
68. A’s for just about 1
69. L’s for 1 ½
70. My mother sounds great today.
71. That I have had the privilege to know people who had “nothing” materially, yet smiled truly.
72. Buddhism
73. That M read the Five Mindfulness Trainings with me aloud the other day
74. The first Royal Doulton I ever saw. And I fell in love immediately! ¬¬¬¬¬I was 14 years old.
75. The smiles looking at pics online of the Royal Doultons I have, is bringing me
76. EVERY moment of happiness!
77. The pleasure I used to get just looking through the Royal Doulton CATALOGS!
78. And going to John Wanamaker’s with 50 dollars, as a teen, and selecting one!
79. The first Royal Doulton I ever saw. And I fell in love. Aged 14
80. 3rd from left, my parents bought for me, that Christmas
80. Front and center 2, my father bought me in Bermuda. First time got any
81. That Christmas, also from parents. Mother picked it
82. In Bermuda that first day, from father
83. And this one for my birthday.
84. My first grown lady figurine. Gift from parents as a teen. It is same as one I'd first seen and fallen in love with 2 years earlier, but different color.
85. J and I bought this one on our honeymoon
86. Only one I ever bought just for myself. College age. John Wanamaker's
87. Gift from gf age 16 or so
88. From same friend
89. From mother.
90. My first. That day in Bermuda. Father wanted to get me a lady. But they were expensive for us. So he got me this. He fell in love with it. Said (although I am brunette) that it reminded him of me. Girl with a dog and a book.
91. I find this one particularly ugly, actually. But mother was in psychiatric hospital and it was my birthday and I was visiting and they gave it to me there. You CAN read the words on the ballad she is selling, which is cool.
92. I loved this so much, and also in matte all white, during my poetic teen years. Parents bought her for me. She was more expensive than the others. It was a real treat.
93. Lynn. My father bought her for my mother. I helped him pick her. Then years later, after his death, when she had to sell the house, my mother gave her to me: )
94. My "Autumn Breezes." The first lady one I ever got.
95. So many nice memories
96. Birds chirping
97. Dr mentioned "sounds like they're talking - like words." Of course it is!
98. Watching Roseanne. Just enjoying.
99. Then will read. And enjoy.
100. God
101. You

My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful:

1. realized yesterday how free I really am. Could do anything I want. Could break into Buckingham palace if I wanted (I’d go to jail AND I don’t want to break in anywhere anyway – just making a point)
2. I feel Mond, and Tues both, like I felt my first night in London, well before London, on way from heathrow to North London – free – free – free –can do ANYTHING I want! Remembered tonight (Tues) that HAD that feelng in that car: ) (Then remembered well am in exclusive relationship with L so not 100% - truth is I would not have SLEPT WITH anyone! But it was nice thining I COULD – no one and nothing to stop me but my OWN decision!
3. My boys singing
4. And playing
5. Me working with them. Because I am letting their wings grow out no matter what. If it means I have to use a damn net if there’s an emergency. I cannot stand this wing clipped stuff. Can’t wait til they can fly again. Anyway, am grateful am working with them!
6. I just saw that my favorite restaurant in the world, Strictly Roots in Harlem in Manhattan, closed. I am a teeny touch sad but mostly so grateful! For the amazing food I got there. Healthy, delicious, and vegan.
7. For the times J took me there (always takeout)
8. For the time he went there for me for my b’day and brought the food home
9. And for the owner/founder, who always said something to me like, “Ah, my special friend with the beautiful spirit.”
10. Garbage collection
11. reading again
12. that as of July 22, I finally have the “summer is here” feeling. I used to get
13. I started a book thread on fb
14. Got great titles
15. And sahred some other people liked too
16. Went on “blind date”
17. Will not see him again but was safe and clean and nice and mostly
18. I’m so glad I went
19. Plants
20. My sunroom
21. Wood floors
22. Water
23. Breath. I am truly very grateful for my breath
24. The show I saw last night. It was interesting
25. Sitting in the LIVING ROOM yesterday and reading. Finally!
26. A reminding me, “Stay level.” Good
27. M. My deep friendship/sisterhood with her
28. Some of what I see Osho says
29. Kairava (my Reiki master)
30. Reiki
31. Typing
32. Piano.!!
33. That I have one
34. And I like it
35. And J helped me get it
36. Took like a year and a half omg
37. And we afforded it
38. That I’ve made a realization. It is not really the past about which I obsess. It is the future. FEAR. KNOWING that will help me CHANGE that: )
39. Reading
40. Walking
41. ABILITY to walk
42. And to talk. I remember when I couldn’t
43. Laptop
44. iPad
45. iPhone
46. will get piece for car, I think, can then can use iPod
47. will get hair cut and colored very soon
48. and then buy a few clothes
49. people have complimented me lately
50. a little makeup
51. my pedicure
52. and if I do the sales, I can get them like twice a month maybe! : )
53. (instead of like 3 x a year lol)
54. plumbing
55. lights
56. electricity
57. washer
58. dryer
59. dishwasher
60. lists. Really.
61. Enough money
62. Organic veggies
63. Organic fruits
64. Whole grain breads
65. I CAN lose weight!
66. Turtles
67. Dolphins
68. All birds
69. That I can read
70. Telephones
71. Waling outside and seeing people
72. Parks
73. Woods
74. Shih tzus
75. Hope
76. Faith
77. Love. Yes really
78. Friends
79. MA
80. ML
81. L
82. A
83. St
84. My job
85. And that I am off now! Getting ready internally for a tough class. While I relax and enjoy summer: )
86. Honesty
87. Honest friends
88. Friends who keep confidences
89. Hats
90. Shoes
91. Pretty shoes (I have like 20 pair – I am NOT an obsessive shoe person lol)
92. Pocket books (I have 2 – I’m just saying I like them)
93. Mortgage almost paid up. Few months left. Have been paying it for a VERY long time! Almost done!
94. Art
95. Coloring. Really
96. Knitting
97. Crocheting
98. Stamped cross stitch
99. Some needlepoint
100. Beaches

Birdies' Wings

I am sorry I had them clipped:(

I am using the time of course.
And I had read a TON
and heard a TON
and meant to do the right thing of course
and they ARE happy and healthy- singing and playing
eating from my hand
and Jewel learning "come here." (Summer still just watching from the sidelines).

But I know they must miss flying freely:(

And if they don't get "trained"
I will hope we don't have an emergency
and I will buy a net just in case
and carrying cage
and maybe get them used to enjoying going in it....

I will never have their little wings clipped again!
My boys.

Thank you EJ and Kayleigh

Just living.
And it feels so good!
I am introspective. Of course. And ENJOY self-help books.
But tapering med.
And reading just for fun
and piano just for fun
and birdies
and junky tv
and phone with gfs
and time out with gfs
and DOING the stuff i dread and hate but must do, so it gets DONE and PUT BEHIND ME.

and finally on July 22 that "summer feeling" began for me.

Thank you both!
XO!

My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful:

1. ¬¬¬¬This _________
2. Helen Keller: “I am only one; but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something. I will not refuse to do something I can do.” Wow
3. This ________
4. I was chatting with A. And we each came up with a list of things we like. And I very much enjoyed that! And – came up with so many – and I am grateful for each! Here they are!
5. a/c
6. jewelry
7. spirituality
8. animals
9. danceing
10. making love
11. playing piano
12. walking in the woods, with a dog, off-leash
13. children
14. reading
15. needlework
16. typing
17. pina coladas
18. romance
19. poetry
20. birdsong
21. making lists lol really
22. my friends
23. laughter!!!!!
24. absurd humor
25. that's a good one you just put
26. being grateful
27. walking meditation
28. helping others
29. yes driving
30. holding a shih tzu on my lap
31. keep going
32. great
33. pedicures
34. London!
35. the feel of my birds on my hands oh
36. having company here
37. lighting the fire in the fireplace
38. my car!
39. reading dates with Mary Allen
40. books on tape
41. trains
42. boats
43. planes
44. going to the movies
45. getting dressed up!
46. Concerts
47. Bookstores
48. Modern art
49. Museums
50. Science
51. Oceans
52. Bare feet on earth
53. Acting
54. Learning
55. Teaching! The joy of seeing when they get it
56. Orgasms
57. Coloring patterns
58. Word games
59. Prayer
60. Fb
61. Judaism
62. Hugs
63. Sweet slow kisses
64. Sitting on the beach and beading
65. Making homemade dough
66. Cooking for guest
67. Wood
68. Modern architecture
69. Talking on the phone
70. Photographs
71. Collecting beautiful stamps
72. Walking in new places like bushkill falls, Niagara falls, England
73. Swimming!
74. The beautiful blue Carribbean
75. Singing
76. Especially for the children
77. Or together with a guy
78. Playing in a concert!
79. Vegan restaurants
80. Sobakawa pillows
81. My Sleep Number bed
82. The smell of cedar
83. The smell of lilacs!
84. My lilac bush
85. Crystals
86. Reiki
87. My bamboo garden
88. Trees
89. Baths
90. The smell of basil
91. Linguini
92. Cold wine
93. Letting go
94. Koko the Gorilla
95. Helen Keller
96. That I have seen rainbows
97. History
98. Going to the theater to see plays
99. Flirting
100. Oral sex
101. Intercourse
102. Colorful kites
103. The Botanical Gardens
104. Tai chi
105. Xi gong
106. Mindfulness
107. Coffee with chocolate soy milk (organic)
108. Bergamot tea with a little sugar
109. Designing jewelry
110. My hobby cabinet
111. This_________

Training

Jewel has had 2 days of training now. "Come here."
Summer just watched yesterday, but moved a little closer today. (And got rewarded).
*This is different than standing on my hand and eating millet. It is done with the hope that they will learn to come to me even when flighted: )

Special Day

because as some of grats say:

38. *****THIS IS THE FIRST TIME IN 14 MONTHS I HAVE NO “EMERGENCIES’ HANGING OVER MY HEAD
39. Omg. What a feeling. And *I * am going to have a pina colada tonight to celebrate: )
40. And I have learned a MJOR lesson. One I ALWAYS knew, and have learned a little bit before but this time is HUGE. Because SO MUCH (mother stuff) has been hanging over my head and it all taps into my weakest weak points (counting its relation with the J stuff) and to have it DONE – my part – is SUCH a relief. I have not felt this way in like 7 years. Omg.
41. Tomorrow I can do just for ME.
42. And tonight – I can even JUST ENJOY

My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful:

1. Great time yesterday
2. Saw MA
3. And ML
4. Had a pina colada
5. And lunch
6. With broccoli
7. And great talk with friends
8. Laughter
9. Tears
10. Honesty
11. Love
12. And ML said few time MUSTN’T wait so long (we used to do this frequently and don’t now)
13. And I was able to help MA with suggestions (her life is changing – ill – etc.)
14. Loving female friends. I didn’t used to appreciate but I do now
15. THAT I do now
16. And have for a while now
17. The Five Mindfulness Trainings
18. That M read them with me last night
19. The stream of positive fb posts I get in the mornings
20. All the pages I’ve “Liked”
21. EJ
22. Birdie
23. JJ
24. Kayleigh
25. M
26. MA
27. ML
28. L
29. A
30. St
31. Tv
32. Computer
33. books
34. that I can read again
35. and look forward to it
36. and bought a book light
37. cause can’t handle dealing with the den lighting at this point yet. But instead of putting self down, or suffering unable to read in here, got book light and can just enjoy: )
38. *****THIS IS THE FIRST TIME IN 14 MONTHS I HAVE NO “EMERGENCIES’ HANGING OVER MY HEAD
39. Omg. What a feeling. And *I * am going to have a pina colada tonight to celebrate: )
40. And I have learned a MJOR lesson. One I ALWAYS knew, and have learned a little bit before but this time is HUGE. Because SO MUCH (mother stuff) has been hanging over my head and it all taps into my weakest weak points (counting its relation with the J stuff) and to have it DONE – my part – is SUCH a relief. I have not felt this way in like 7 years. Omg.
41. Tomorrow I can do just for ME.
42. And tonight – I can even JUST ENJOY
43. I saw MA today
44. I as busy all day and that was goo dfor me
45. ***Jewel has had 2 sessions of learning “Come here.” Summer is timidly watching and moving a LITTLE BIT closer (and getting rewarded). This is different than just walking on me for food. And should help for me to let their wings grow out and have them flying again : )
46. Thich Nhat Hanh saying, “You HAVE all the conditions for happiness.”
47. That I KNOW he is right
48. The nice nice pharmacy lady to my mother
49. The nice nice doctor’s office to my mother
50. I saw my principal today. And that was great too.
51. And T, who also said I looked great (as did principal)
52. I was able to copy a few things there
53. And mail from there
54. I am having a good dinner
55. I went to health food store.
56. And got organic green beans fresh
57. And organc baby kale fresh – good for me AND is birdies’ favorite : )
58. And good whole grain bread
59. And organic fake meat
60. And great broccoli rabe with garlic
61. And organic tomato sauce Italian
62. And water
63. I shall stop giving the birdies tap water because I read to in a source I trust
64. *****That FEELING when I was driving away from school today, knowing I was DONE. Omg how I’ve missed that feeling!
65. T stopping at post office for me
66. My mother’s helpers
67. Meals on Wheels for her
68. My healthy skin
69. My strong feet
70. And hands
71. That I just played Chopin
72. And Mendelssohn
73. And Rachmaninov
74. And tomorrow I shall play Tchaikovsky
75. And Rachmaninov
76. And something else but I haven’t fully decided what yet
77. That I am 7 degrees of teacher separation from Beethoven himself!
78. My time with MA today
79. That my birdies love when I play piano
80. My eye drops
81. I have been loved by a number of men. I mean love. I’m not talking about sex, but love.
82. *****That I thanked God. So heartily. I mean really. When J first left, I used to lay prone on the floor and pray to God to help me so he would come back! Tonight – FIRST TIME EVER – I lay prone and said, God. I used to lay here and beg you for what I thought I needed. What I wanted. Now I lay here to say but one thing to you: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
83. That I was FORCED BY MY CIRCUMSTANCES to do the things that fucking scared me so! Because I will NEVER have to feel dependent IN THAT WAY again!
84. But that I am NOT adverse to taking HELP! Lol
85. That MA can AFFORD financially to do the things her health is leading her toward needing/ Phew on her behalf.
86. Birdsong, for which I was always grateful (outside) throughout my HOUSE now! What a thrill
87. Joy
88. My bamboo garden!
89. Shih tzus
90. The love I had for two
91. And the love I had FROM the two also
92. Smiles
93. Ability to enjoy anything I have the ability to enjoy
94. Inspirational people
95. “The only journey is the one within.”
― Rainer Maria Rilke_________
96. That I am free
97. That I can see
98. Poetry
99. Native poetry
100. Peace everywhere there is peace
101. Access to water

100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful:

1. _________
2. Life
3. Not suicidal
4. L
5. MA
6. ML
7. M
8. Thich Nhat Hanh
9. Summer
10. Jewel
11. EJ
12. JJ
13. Birdie
14. Kayleigh
15. My mother
16. Day off
17. Breathe
18. Lungs
19. Blood
20. Bones
21. Kidneys
22. Heart
23. Bain
24. Typing
25. Reading a book just a regular book (thanks to EJ)
26. Being so trustworthy. Never breaking a confidence ever.
27. Hot in Cleveland. Stupid little show. I like it
28. Big Bang Theory. Stupid little show. I like it
29. summer (the season – above was the bird: )
30. thoughtfulness
31. peace where there is peace
32. access to drinking water
33. and to organic vegetables
34. going out today
35. with MA
36. and ML
37. and will have broccoli
38. and then to bookstore. That vould be fun too
39. gift certificates
40. jewelry
41. my “new” Swarovski earrings
42. the bird store where I buy toys and stuff for the birdy boys
43. my feet
44. my legs
45. my hair
46. my eyes – eyesight
47. and that they are pretty
48. dragonflies
49. when I’m not itchy
50. my car
51. my little house all mine
52. flight cage for birdies
53. laughter
54. cheerful people
55. phones
56. electricity
57. a/c
58. heating
59. wood floors
60. job
61. job with time off!
62. Ezekial bread
63. Pomegranate juice – just now and then
64. Organic coconut milk yogurt
65. Vegan cheese. Now and then anyway
66. That when I go out I feel good
67. Driving
68. That I can, but also that I’ve been enjoying it so much
69. Buddhism
70. Mindfulness
71. Good books
72. Everything on this list makes me lucky
73. Presents
74. iPhone
75. lamps
76. yard
77. all the safety I’ve had in my life
78. no violence at all in my life at this time
79. I have been loved
80. Enjoyable movies
81. Comedians
82. Viers
83. Little patio
84. Stone
85. Brook over rocks at park nearby
86. Fresh white clean snow
87. The first time I had chocolate mousse. High school. With parents.
88. Because – French teacher had said “must” eat at French restaurant – my parents found this a little bit of a financial hardship, but did it! Because like “homework.”
89. I remember them telling me, “You should try the chocolate mousse. It is not moose. It is like pudding but whipped. You will like it.” Cute.
90. From Sparkle My Day fb page: “You used to KNOW you were One with the Universe… and you Owned your Sparkle. Children can see your Sparkle even if you can’t. It’s still there.”
91. This pic – I love it_________
92. The Five Mindfulness Trainings. http://www.plumvillage.org/mindfulness-trainings/3-the-five-mindfulness-trainings.html
93. My four retreats with Thich Nhat Hanh. 2005, 2007, 2009, 2012
94. My prescription for Paxil is ready.
95. I will pick it up.
96. I am tapering down
97. My eye drops prescription is ready
98. I will pick it up too
99. That I did my mother’s shopping
100. That she has all she needs
Lucky

81/100 Grats so far today

I am grateful:

1. EJ’s advice to just BE not always WORK ON BEING. So grateful.
2. Kayleigh saying something similar too
3. This day off. To do whatever the fuck I want! : )
4. Fb cheerful posts and beautiful posts and funny posts.
5. I just saw one, dog playing in snow “…”Yippee I am so glad I am me… oh boy oh boy oh boy me is good.” Makes me smile! So good. So cute
6. Doing for my mother yesterday. Getting off my frightened naval-gazing butt (mixed metaphor omg) and just doing
7. Then taking both a bath AND a shower. Felt good.
8. Then going for pedicure.
9. And – insisting it was too hot in there. I was very polite. But we the customers were sweating! This is a luxury item… So owner was saying things like, “New air conditioner. It works. Maybe is too small. But it is on. It is fine. Maybe too much window…” I said, politely and pleasantly, but clearly, “Jennifer, it kind of doesn’t really matter if it’s new or old, big or small, on high or low. If we are sweating, something ISN’T working!” And they cooled the place off : ) I used to be a wimp and would have sweated and gone home and had to take another shower. Not now
10. Then I went on “blind date.” 2nd one ever.
11. Got there fine
12. “Insisted” on meeting INSIDE public place and with each other’s cell phone numbers
13. And googled him first too
14. And gave his infor to M
15. Looked pretty enough
16. Felt good enough
17. Had decent enough time.
18. Got home safely
19. Might not see him again – might – but had decent time out and he is safe and cute and smart and well-spoken (we just might not have much in common) and it was living – not sitting around navel-gazing yay
20. Helping my mother, which I do out of unselfish reasons, always winds up helping me.
21. Birdies are singing right now.
22. All the deer I have seen irl
23. And the zillion squirrels, of different colors – including white!
24. Good books
25. Humor
26. Jokes
27. Cats. I can’t have am allergic (plus now have birds). But I appreciate cats.
28. The health of my birdies
29. That they eat millet from my hand
30. That I have an activity center for them
31. That I have toys for them
32. Practicing the Presence through Mind and Meditation"Beginning today..
Declare out loud to the Universe
that you are willing to let go of struggle
and eager to learn through Joy."
~ Sarah Ban Breathnach ~ This_________
33. This_______
34. My car. I love my car. Bought it used (first time ever) so got more features for less money.
35. Shiny silver
36. Mazda 6. Love it. Love it love it love it.
37. Nice chat with MA today
38. I will go to lunch with her and ML tomorrow! Yay!
39. Nice chat and laughs with my mom today
40. Nice chat with A
41. And L.
42. Whose call woke me. I LOVE that.
43. Organic ugly tomatoes
44. My large amethyst ring
45. My parents buying it for me for my 8th grade “graduation”
46. Me picking it out and actually saying to them, “will I still be able to wear it when I’m old? Like 25”
47. And I love wearing it NOW still. And frequently get compliments!
48. That I still have that receipt! Omg
49. This
50. Water
51. Hope
52. My principal
53. And one before her
54. And one before – all but one, actually. Wow. Good
55. Sandwiches. Healthy hearty sandwiches
56. This. Oh my gosh. 1 minutes and 16 seconds. So good! http://www.myamazingearth.com/2013/07/duck-cries-for-help-cops-rescue-her-babies/
57. Rivers in the Ocean
I let it go. It’s like swimming against the current. It exhausts you. After a while, whoever you are, you just have to let go, and the river brings you home.
~ Joanne Harris
58. I’m reading Defending Jacob by William Landay. Liking it!
Practicing the Presence through Mind and Meditation
"Remember that your perception of the world is a reflection of your state of consciousness. You are not separate from it, and there is no objective world out there. Every moment,
your consciousness creates the world that you inhabit."
~ Eckhart Tolle _________
59. Watched a little Roseanne and crocheted. Felt good
60. Played some Chopin. Loved it.
61. The birds love it too!
62. They bring me joy
63. And I, them
64. Friendships.
65. L
66. M
67. MA
68. ML
69. St
70. A
71. Mother
72. EJ
73. Birdie
74. JJ
75. Kayleigh
76. Ma
77. The love I found at OA meetings
78. And gave too
79. London! That amazing fabulous week!
80. My wood floors.
81. MINE.

Today

I shall be "lazy"
in a good way

piano
birds
books
maybe a movie or mall to walk a bit

grats at some point

EJ's advice, and Kayliegh's
sinking in

I will still try
but I will just "be"
not constantly self-improving
and analyzing

this will be growth
oops
lol

Yesterday
I
did for mother
took bath AND shower
got pedicure ahhhh
and went on a date
my second blind date ever
had nice time

Today is anniversary of my wedding to J
but I am HERE and fine and enjoying THIS day
It is not ABOUT him
ahhh

did what had to for the

day

mother stuff

2 laundry

eat well

now will go out tonight for a little light fun

did for mother and

only because
even i in my depression and selfishness
don't have the lack of heart to leave
my poor decrepitating elderly sick mother
in need

2 hours
and guess what
wound up being the
greatest therapy for ME

thank you God

keep chuggin
keep tryin
don't give up

and take EJ's advice (on email cause comments wouldn't come through from her device)
read a regular book not self-help
and Watch Roseanne, eat greens, take a walk, play with birdies. Read a wonderful book that isn't about healing but just about reading a wonderful book. East of Eden. The Good House. State of Wonder. The care and come out stronger the other side.
i am so grateful for her

if you take paxil please read this link (then talk to your doctor - do NOT stop on your own!!!!!!!!!!)

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-peter-breggin/fda-warns-that-paxil-make_b_21388.html

maybe has added to my troubles

not ok

i
am
not
okay

seeing dr today

i dearly dearly wish i were dead

not going to do something about getting there

but hate myself, my life, have no hope

things have happened this week
i cannot even talk about them
might not even have energy to talk to dr

if you see this please pray for me

100 Grats

I am grateful:

1. My birdies are fine after the wing clipping and nail trimming
2. How nice, gentle, professional, and friendly the two young women who came here were.
3. This _________
4. This _________
5. I have coffee everyd day. And coffee isn’t cheap.
6. Sweaters. Don’t need them now. But I like, and have some, sweaters.
7. ¬¬_________
8. This is definitely true of me. Definitely_________
9. Oh yes this_________
10. Cuttlebone for birds
11. Training starts today
12. J gonna come and try fix toilet
13. Day off
14. Freedom
15. Water
16. The sun
17. Clouds
18. Air
19. Breezes
20. Light rainfall
21. Sweet snowfall
22. Beaches
23. Sand
24. Oceans
25. All the time I’ve gotten to spend at them
26. Health
27. Eyesight
28. That I live here
29. That my grandparents came over
30. Have a date coming Friday eve
31. Movie with M the other night
32. Internet
33. Laptop
34. Fresh organic carrots and greens for the birdies
35. Books
36. Especially good books
37. Guacamole
38. Collards
39. MUST FINISH MUST FINISH MUST FINISH GRATS. WHAT ELSE ARE YOU REALLY GRATEFUL FOR? THINK! Ok legs
40. Kidneys
41. Ears
42. Mouth
43. Esophagus
44. Throat
45. Vocal cords
46. Stomach
47. Intestines
48. Rectum
49. Cervix
50. Vagina
51. Feet
52. Hair
53. J fixing toilet
54. Electricity
55. Food for the birdies
56. My piano
57. Time off
58. My usual ability to heal
59. Ability to walk
60. And to drive
61. Car
62. House
63. Roof
64. Fireplace
65. Washing machine
66. Dryer
67. Dishwasher
68. Dishwasher powder
69. Dishwashing liquid
70. Detergent
71. Softener. Talk about luxuries!
72. In bad place must remember what grateful for. My birds
73. My health
74. My life
75. My ability to see
76. Tv
77. Computer
78. J’s help with toilet
79. I am worrid about money, house, neighborhood… but I HAVE more than many on earth and am grateful that HAVE ability to live in safe place even if must be in small apartment one day soon.
80. That I spoke up today on fb
81. And NICELY. Not antagonizing
82. My skin
83. My skin care – I should start using it lol
84. My feet
85. My ability to walk
86. That doggie, although she’s with J, is safe
87. And healthy
88. And happy
89. Ability to speak
90. And to swallow
91. Not in hospital
92. Can go to bathroom on own. Not wear bag
93. Washing machine
94. Did towels and some clothes last night
95. Hope
96. Cheerful people
97. The singing of my birdies
98. My brain works
99. My hands and all they can do
100. Honesty
101. Confidence keeping. ALL who do that, including me.

MUST REGISTER

that since the talking with J
honest
sharing
money talk
noble both sides

I feel SO MUCH BETTER!

And ok to move on if must.... must

Nails Trimmed and Wings Clipped

These two women came and did, for both birds.
Please KNOW:
It is like a haircut - not hurt!
It is temporary - grows back
It is for THEIR safety - two flighted birds, 9 months old when got - I am able (the books and bird people I know say no one would be) to get them trained. Tamed, yes, come to my hand and eat etc. But not trained - as in come to me upon command. They HAVE TO - for their SAFETY. If they are flying around and I need to get them in the cage for some safety reason/ if there is a power outage again and it is cold - no heat no electricity, which happened here for five days in the fall/ if I need to take them from their flight cage into a carrying cage to get to vet/ if I need to give them medicine... I cannot, unless they will come to my hands (besides when THEY feel like for treat and then fly away when feel like).
I COULD force them by grabbing them with a towel. But that is so frightening to them. THIS is apparently MORE humane.
It gives me about 6 months to tame them (carefully - so they don't try to fly, and fall - following instructions).
If need more, can trim again...
Eventually it WILL work.
Plus - I AM very good with animals....

Okay, Boys, I talked to you and tried to help you intuit about this last night. You seem perfectly fine right now. I will let you rest, then give you millet treat later, My sweeties. xo

One held while the other trimmed. I was away trying not to watch except for snapping the pic:



One holding Summer:


20 minutes after, they're already perched and singing - phew:)

My 100 Gratitudes Today

I need to do gratitudes!



1. Three hours and 40 minutes J was here just now. But he helped with some things (although I did not ask)
2. And we were nice to each other
3. And we talked – gulp – money – and it was good
4. And I DO trust him
5. And I’m beginning to know and to accept it’s really over.
6. Being so decent to each other
7. Mindfulness
8. Roseanne repeats on right now. No, really. They help me be calm.
9. O sent me an email. I feel bad. But also have learned from it. COMPASSION. Still more omg
10. I am grateful that I am free
11. And have never been shot
12. Levi
13. The lessons I learned from him.
14. Sumer
15. Jewel
16. The flight cage
17. I am grateful that I just changed their cage lining paper (newspaper).
18. And that I always do
19. J brought new toilet seat
20. Installed
21. Is going to fix flush too
22. And help with papers
23. I paid a 70.00 bill of his
24. Showed me how to and I emptied and put in new vacuum bag
25. Showed me floor things he had bought to clean newly done floors without damaging finish
26. Facebook
27. That I can walk
28. And see
29. And read
30. And write
31. And talk
32. And type
33. And play piano
34. Move hands
35. Spell
36. Play scrabble
37. Word Mine
38. Spellathon
39. Laughter
40. And especially laughing out loud!
41. Last night with M! My true sister!
42. Our drinks and guacamole at the Mexican restaurant
43. And then the movie, The Heat
44. And our hug
45. And our sisterhood
46. I am thankful for my recent phone cahts with L
47. And A last nigh!
48. I have a home
49. I am able to do my work
50. I ate at the table
51. I eat greens
52. I have raw kale for the birdies. Organic
53. And pellets
54. And seed
55. And water
56. And toys!
57. They LOVE their new toys!
58. So all toys that are in there: )
59. I don’t know who said it but, “Until you make peace with who you are you will never be content with what you have.”
60. From fb page Moonlight Serenade: “When you dance to your own rhythm,
Life taps its toes to your beat.”
~Terri Guillemets
Artist~Stephen Mackey __________
61. That I own a piano
62. And am saving a little more money
63. And eating better
64. My lilac yarn that J bought and brought here when I was sick
65. That I did some of the crocheting last night
66. That I dusted some
67. And vacuumed some
68. And – gulp – the hard way – learned to use a plunger! Lol
69. This _________
70. My brain
71. My heart
72. My liver
73. My lungs
74. My blood
75. My bones
76. My bone marrow
77. My breasts
78. My kidneys
79. That I can think
80. And remember
81. Pens
82. Lists
83. This blog!
84. YOU!
85. This is so pretty: ) _________
86. Brief phone chat with mother this morning
87. That perfect swing for the birdies
88. Them in my life. That I DID that for myself for my b’day
89. That O’s husband pointed out to me that not only did I put two birds here who already loved each other, BUT = by doing o I ALSO prevented them from getting separated!
90. I am grateful that confidence is sexy.
91. That my true sis, M and I have that deal and neither of us will ever be desperate or homeless. Like the deal on the Golden Girls.
92. This _________
93. _________
94. I am grateful for my den
95. And my l.r.
96. And my d.r.
97. And that soon I will be able to use my sunroom again
98. And for dsmiles
99. And children
100. And a salary
101. AND vacation time off too lol