With doggie!
Smiled, laughed a bit, enjoyed her squirrel-chasing and cuteness when said squirrel got up the tree, and enjoyed her happiness. Moving my body felt so good too. The weather was beautiful, a little warm but with a breeze and plenty of shade. The field, the lake...It was just pleasant all around.
The truth is, I was doing it *for her!* But *I* wound up having fun and happiness and joy.
Thank you, God!
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Exercise
I'm not sure if I'll be posting about exercise. I know with food, it's really bad for me to keep track that way.
Tracking in a journal,
calling it in to a sponsor,
even keeping track of it in my blog,
sabotages me.
So far, when tried to "report in" to a thread about exercise, every month that I tried, I failed.
But - this is just here. And feels different. So for today, I will say:
With doggie, last night I walked 12 minutes. (*She* didn't want to do more).
And this morning (!) we did 13.
And just now, 35.
So that's 60 minutes in two days.
Yay:)
Tracking in a journal,
calling it in to a sponsor,
even keeping track of it in my blog,
sabotages me.
So far, when tried to "report in" to a thread about exercise, every month that I tried, I failed.
But - this is just here. And feels different. So for today, I will say:
With doggie, last night I walked 12 minutes. (*She* didn't want to do more).
And this morning (!) we did 13.
And just now, 35.
So that's 60 minutes in two days.
Yay:)
Complete Meal Yummy Veggie Bake
Complete Meal Veggie Bake
1. Pre-heat oven to 375.
2. Put in baking pan:
some canola oil
then
• 2 – 3 large carrots, washed and cut up
• 2 nice size onions, cut up (not too small – how you want to feel them in your mouth)
• few stalks celery washed and cut up, no tops (not the leafy part)
• 1 bag frozen broccoli florets, defrosted in microwave
• ½ bag frozen collard greens (they come already chopped in the bag) defrosted in microwave
• 1 box frozen spinach defrosted in microwave
• artichoke hearts, about ½ bag Trader Joe’s frozen defrosted in microwave OR 1 can (drained and quartered lengthwise) - better still, CAN artichoke hearts from supermarket, quartered lengthwise)
3. Mix this stuff up a bit
4. Then add:
• 2 slices Ezekial bread (really whole –grain, doesn’t even use flour!) broken up and scattered over the top
• about 2 T? extra virgin olive oil or more if you want
• seasoned breadcrumbs sprinkled over all
• olive oil (extra virgin) over the top of it all
5. Then on top of it all, 6 Gardein “chicken” fillets, frozen, cooked for like 2 – 3 minutes (it says on package) in pan with a little oil, so can cut up. – Buy them frozen, in health food store or some supermarkets – if don’t have, substitute the Gardein “chicken” scallopinni. Scatter the cut up pieces on top
6. Cover tightly and bake for about 40 minutes.
7. Remove from oven. Uncover. Mix it all in. Enjoy. (I like it even better cold from fridge for days!)
1. Pre-heat oven to 375.
2. Put in baking pan:
some canola oil
then
• 2 – 3 large carrots, washed and cut up
• 2 nice size onions, cut up (not too small – how you want to feel them in your mouth)
• few stalks celery washed and cut up, no tops (not the leafy part)
• 1 bag frozen broccoli florets, defrosted in microwave
• ½ bag frozen collard greens (they come already chopped in the bag) defrosted in microwave
• 1 box frozen spinach defrosted in microwave
• artichoke hearts, about ½ bag Trader Joe’s frozen defrosted in microwave OR 1 can (drained and quartered lengthwise) - better still, CAN artichoke hearts from supermarket, quartered lengthwise)
3. Mix this stuff up a bit
4. Then add:
• 2 slices Ezekial bread (really whole –grain, doesn’t even use flour!) broken up and scattered over the top
• about 2 T? extra virgin olive oil or more if you want
• seasoned breadcrumbs sprinkled over all
• olive oil (extra virgin) over the top of it all
5. Then on top of it all, 6 Gardein “chicken” fillets, frozen, cooked for like 2 – 3 minutes (it says on package) in pan with a little oil, so can cut up. – Buy them frozen, in health food store or some supermarkets – if don’t have, substitute the Gardein “chicken” scallopinni. Scatter the cut up pieces on top
6. Cover tightly and bake for about 40 minutes.
7. Remove from oven. Uncover. Mix it all in. Enjoy. (I like it even better cold from fridge for days!)
My Daily Affirmations Today
I am a creation of God Himself.
I am light and free.
I have tools and use them and am recovering.
I am lovable.
I am strong.
I am good.
I am happy.
I am a creation of God Himself.
I am light and free.
I have tools and use them and am recovering.
I am lovable.
I am strong.
I am good.
I am happy.
I am a creation of God Himself.
I am light and free.
I have tools and use them and am recovering.
I am lovable.
I am strong.
I am good.
I am happy.
I am a creation of God Himself.
I am light and free.
I have tools and use them and am recovering.
I am lovable.
I am strong.
I am good.
I am happy.
I am so fortunate.
I am so grateful.
I am light and free.
I have tools and use them and am recovering.
I am lovable.
I am strong.
I am good.
I am happy.
I am a creation of God Himself.
I am light and free.
I have tools and use them and am recovering.
I am lovable.
I am strong.
I am good.
I am happy.
I am a creation of God Himself.
I am light and free.
I have tools and use them and am recovering.
I am lovable.
I am strong.
I am good.
I am happy.
I am a creation of God Himself.
I am light and free.
I have tools and use them and am recovering.
I am lovable.
I am strong.
I am good.
I am happy.
I am so fortunate.
I am so grateful.
Monday, May 30, 2011
My One Hundred Gratitudes Today
I am grateful:
1. For finally realizing that I am a tactile person. Kinesthetic, at least in some ways. And that is partly why I’m such a great typist. And some piano. And even love doing these little magnetic feelings things I now do each day. And using that characteristic helps me.
2. It also helps me to remember that *most * of the kids are more that way than verbal, and *need * this kind of thing.
3. Plus they need *movement. *
4. And so do I! : )
5. I am grateful that even though without using that exact word, K was talking to me of impermanence the other day. All is impermanent. As I learned at the TNH retreat(s) too. Big lesson. Is sinking in more.
6. In today’s For Today: “The date may be the same, even the place and some of the people. But I have changed. I am not the person I was before I came to OA. Today I have a way to live and a program to follow that keeps me abstinent and same, as long as I am willing to follow it.
7. Wow, remember when just having that “friend” from my masters class over for dinner on the way to class put me in such a panic that Ji had to come home from work and help me! I was a mess! Wow. That’s so sad. For me and for him. And for everyone I touched. But I *have * come a far way since *that *!
8. And it says, “Whether.., today I do not let myself feel rushed. I move slowly, with deliberation and a sense of purpose.”
9. And “A special day is a day to enjoy the people around me, the beauty of nature.”
10. And “I once found momentary pleasure in excess food, but the pleasure of abstinence will last far beyond this day and all its happenings.” And I think this can be applied to boring, little, work, any days, not just “holidays.”
11. That last evening at about 8:30 or so, on the way home from MA’s, I felt bad *but was able to remember * right there in the car, Sp’s attitude of, “I’m gonna die at midnight tonight. So there are no worries about tomorrow. AND I’m gonna die at midnight tonight. So dance!” And I tried to enjoy the rest of the evening.
12. Today’s In This Moment is testament to the value of (recognizing and) allowing self to *feel * my feelings.
13. And in today’s Voices of Recovery it says, “…myself acknowledge that the payoffs are no longer worth the pain.” (Talking about Step Four/Five stuff).
14. It hurts a lot, but I’m grateful to know the saying, “You can’t get blood from a stone.”
15. Although it is both good for me and good during, I still resist meditating. BUT – I’m resisting it a little less the last two days. Hm. Since started working the CoDA program, and since being born again. Wow.
16. Came here just to post this one gratitude: Hearing those birds outside my window right now. It brings me right into the reality of the beautiful gift of the moment. I am so grateful for that.
17. It is amazing how wonderful finishing a load of laundry feels. I did one. Including sheets. I’m just saying it here: after more than 4 months. Yup. That was the last of the major hygiene self-care hurdles. And I have done it. And towels and socks and underwear (which is NOT the first time lol). Anyway, I’m grateful that I did it.
18. And that I have a dryer where they are drying now.
19. And that it felt so good taking them out of the washer and putting them into the dryer.
20. And that I used the largest cycle and it didn’t leak.
21. And I’m grateful for electricity. I’m sure I must have said that in one of my earlier gratitudes but I’m especially grateful for it today because of all I’ve done today. Including the electricity for the washer.
22. And the dryer.
23. And the stove (even though gas stove, electricity needed to start it).
24. And I’m grateful that I made homemade lentil soup. (It’s almost finished cooking now).
25. And LOTS of it.
26. And that I gave J. the nice package of sweet healthy blueberries yesterday.
27. And that I made the big tray of veggie bake I make. And there are at least 7 ginormous but healthy servings in there, including veggies, a bit of olive oil, protein, and whole grain (and a little margarine and breadcrumbs) in each. So, a complete meal in each serving. It has broccoli and collards and spinach and artichokes and onions and carrots and celery. (And gardein “chicken”). Lot of good –for-me veggies).
28. And – I have made the hummus! Making it a few more times will pay for the flowers I bought!: ) And it’s healthier because I know exactly what went in it. I don’t love it – it tastes too much like tahini instead of hummus – but it is good-tasting enough, and protein rich, and healthy ingreds., and I made it! I am grateful for this luxury of homemade hummus.
29. No a/c so far today: )
30. I just made that phone call I found frightening to make, to Ch to see about doing our yard clean-up etc. for business. I’m grateful that I got that done. AND that I left one message with Mar while talking with her, and one on Ch’s machine.
31. And that if I do not hear back by tomorrow night, I will try once more and then by Wednesday night call someone else. This *will * get done. And I will use my yard. And not live in filth. And not be ashamed. And I am grateful for thinking that way and for any strength I have.
32. I have put away all the food and the dishwasher is running. I have in the fridge right now: lots and lots of lentil soup, about 6 really good healthy servings of the veggie/protein/whole grain bake, homemade hummus, some leftover kale salad, lots of (on sale!) coconut milk yogurt, Ezekial bread, peanut butter, prunes, pears, orange juice, tofu, veggie broth, soy milk, almond milk, and more!
33. And in the freezer I have more lentil soup, that braised cabbage and “arborio rice” dish 3 servings, a nice serving of cabbage-veggie soup with some beans in it, veggies, plantains, squash or something, and more!
34. And in the cabinet I have whole grain pasta and jarred sauce and whole grains and real oatmeal and even instant, and cans of beans and cans of soup, and many spices, and rice thingies, and more!
35. And on the counter I have 2 apples and an orange. And this is what I call wealth. And billions on this planet would call it wealth too. I am fortunate and I am grateful.
36. And on top of it all I am sitting here sipping blooming tea with fresh lemon in it while I am near fresh flowers.
37. And I’m grateful that I just typed, “So who am I to obsess about “problem” but deleted it because this is *gratitudes * - NOT *put-myself-downitudes *!
38. And I have a place where I can go to ask about how to make better hummus.
39. And I did.
40. And I will probably get some replies.
41. I am grateful for the thought that: this is just one day. Just one day off. It is not a lifetime of loneliness and nobody to have a holiday with. In fact, it is an opportunity to grow so that my life is a lot better next year than today! And anyway, it is actually going fine so far: )
42. All the people who’ve come on to share the love about Little-Dog being here: ) Nice.
43. That in ea online just now, under Just For Today in the site, I saw this: “Just for today I will try to be happy, realizing my happiness does not depend on what others do or say or what happens around me. Happiness is a result of being at peace with myself.” This is huge.
44. And this: “Just for today I choose to believe that I can live this one day.”
45. That I think I am ready to start doing my cross-stitch again! Like today! Or very soon! I’m excited about this!
46. I meant ready emotionally, but I’m also so grateful that my thumb is still well!
47. I just spent 11 minutes practicing Mozart.
48. I truly don’t want to feel bad about myself.
49. I am kind of relaxing today. With no pills either (as usual no pills but not as usual relaxing).
50. Having occasions lately (D about daughter, A about son, and person on ea online today) to hear about borderline personality disorder (emotional dysregulation) and DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy). Because I think the former is part of what I have, and the latter is part of what I need. I have looked it up accordingly now. And there is hope in that for me.
51. And that right there in the medical thing(!) they mention mindfulness as in particular, “not … but the kind Thich Nhat Hahn teaches”! Wow!
52. That I just finished second load of laundry. Clothes. Can technically get through Friday now. But think will do one more anyway!
53. That called M about whether to stay in all day if relaxing
54. And that she said because of what I’ve been going through, it is important that I take a walk with Ph at least. And that she has “strong feelings” about a good set-up for my week by doing that.
55. I am grateful that although the a/c’s are in (d.r. and b.r.), and it is warm and was humid today, that I haven’t used a/c. I am fine. And trying to use less.
56. That even though I pray to God that this loss is only temporary, or the permanent part of the loss is only the sick part and we become happily married together (!), I am glad that it says in today’s Daily Om: “When we are ready, the void left by a relationship, a job, or a dream can then be viewed as open space that can be filled with something new.”
57. And it says, “Try not to rush into anything just to fill up the emptiness.” And “…the loss of a relationship can give you a chance to rediscover your own interests, explore new passions, and meet different people.”
58. That in a Daily Recovery Meditation from the other day, it says, “"Serenity is not freedom from the storm,
but peace amid the storm." Anonymous Quote
59. And it goes on to say, “Why is serenity so important to our
recovery? Because darkness cannot exist
where there is light! If we can maintain
a serene state of mind as established
through our faith in HP and the BB
Promises, negative emotions and
behaviour will have no power over
us. Stress, fear, compulsiveness,
obsessiveness, resentment, guilt, shame,
willfulness, doubt, distrust, greed and
envy, have no power over a mind that is
kept in serene repose. Serenity allows
us to see situations clearly and
make wise decisions. Most importantly, by
maintaining a serene mind, we keep the
door to our High Power open.”
60. And this: “ONE DAY AT A TIME…I will face each challenge with grace and serenity.”
61. And I’m grateful for this little prayer, which was in another Recovery Daily meditation, that I opened today: I pray that God will help me to manage
and balance my life so that I can do a
good job with all things, especially
living.
62. I am grateful that third wash is in.
63. And towels are folded and put away. This is more than I’ve done in a LONG time!
64. And tonight, I will make my bed with clean sheets, and sleep in them.
65. And I am about to begin reading the ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) book now, even though I need Two and a Half Men (marathon) on in the background with me at this point. I did not have an *alcoholic * parent, but other family issues which they talk about on their site and could qualify for this program too! I don’t want a third program(!) but CoDA sponsor and I think this book could be very helpful for me, as it has been for her.
66. I never realized until just now, beginning the ACA book, that I always looked good until my father died. THAT was the turning point of looking more like a stereotypical movie version of an old short fat Italian woman in mourning. I am Italian, so if you are reading this, I mean no offense! It’s just my picture. I wasn’t fat at the time, but that’s where the dumpiness began. And I believe where the not washing my hair every other night began too: ( Yes. It was that year, my first year of full time teaching. Wow. What a discovery. I am grateful for he knowledge. Wish it’d come sooner, but grateful for it.
67. And that the first pages were *not * painful to read, but good.
68. And that there is hope here too.
69. And the 3rd big load of laundry is done. 2 very big and 1 medium big. And all is hanging (and a little in dryer still turning). All I have left to do is make the bed, and that’ll be easy : )
70. And I just ate pasta for dinner and did not eat as much as I’d have liked.
71. And Ph and I *will * have a nice walk a little later : ) I’ve decided.
72. And I’m gonna try to get up at 4:30 and if not, then 5:00 and I’m glad I’m able to get up and function so early.
73. All the really good hummus recipes I got from people in response to my post today : )
74. That I will get to sleep with my Ph again tonight. Thank you, God. And maybe I’ll come straight home and take to park, and she can stay ‘til Thursday! We’ll see : )
75. Sometimes I wonder *why * meetings help. Maybe I’m not supposed to, but I do. And I just saw this on ACA site: “The healing begins when we risk moving out of isolation. Feelings and buried memories will return. By gradually releasing the burden of unexpressed grief, we slowly move out of the past. We learn to re-parent ourselves with gentleness, humor, love and respect.” And that helped me to understand about the meetings, too, I think.
76. The beautiful Native to this land poetry I found during my research that time.
77. And “When we release our parents from responsibility for our actions today, we become free to make healthful decisions as actors, not reactors.”
78. And, “We progress from hurting, to healing, to helping. We awaken to a sense of wholeness we never knew was possible.”
79. And after saying about seeing others who know how I feel (which there *is * a meeting I can maybe get to – well I can definitely get to – if it exists: ) – it says: “We are sure that as the love grows inside you, you will see beautiful changes in all your relationships, especially with your Higher Power, yourself, and your parents.”
80. That my daddy served in WWII.
81. And that he lived through it.
82. My mother for giving birth to me.
83. My father for conceiving me and supporting her through the pregnancy.
84. Dr. F. who did my double surgery successfully.
85. Dr. A. who did my emergency surgery successfully.
86. The nurses at the hospital after my heart procedure, who helped me when I was going into shock.
87. My sense of taste. The enjoyment of it.
88. And – that it helps me not to eat poisons.
89. My immune system.
90. My nervous system.
91. My mind that is able to have memories.
92. My teachers. Mrs. O’S, my kindergarten teacher.
93. And what she did the day of my zebra-man drawing: )
94. The moon.
95. The stars. Both for brightening up our night sky.
96. Rain. For helping the flowers and other plants grow.
97. Oxygen. For making life possible.
98. Water. For making life possible.
99. The classical music radio station for in the car.
100. Kind strangers. Random acts of kindness.
101. And the person who coined that term, so we’d “all” become so familiar with it.
1. For finally realizing that I am a tactile person. Kinesthetic, at least in some ways. And that is partly why I’m such a great typist. And some piano. And even love doing these little magnetic feelings things I now do each day. And using that characteristic helps me.
2. It also helps me to remember that *most * of the kids are more that way than verbal, and *need * this kind of thing.
3. Plus they need *movement. *
4. And so do I! : )
5. I am grateful that even though without using that exact word, K was talking to me of impermanence the other day. All is impermanent. As I learned at the TNH retreat(s) too. Big lesson. Is sinking in more.
6. In today’s For Today: “The date may be the same, even the place and some of the people. But I have changed. I am not the person I was before I came to OA. Today I have a way to live and a program to follow that keeps me abstinent and same, as long as I am willing to follow it.
7. Wow, remember when just having that “friend” from my masters class over for dinner on the way to class put me in such a panic that Ji had to come home from work and help me! I was a mess! Wow. That’s so sad. For me and for him. And for everyone I touched. But I *have * come a far way since *that *!
8. And it says, “Whether.., today I do not let myself feel rushed. I move slowly, with deliberation and a sense of purpose.”
9. And “A special day is a day to enjoy the people around me, the beauty of nature.”
10. And “I once found momentary pleasure in excess food, but the pleasure of abstinence will last far beyond this day and all its happenings.” And I think this can be applied to boring, little, work, any days, not just “holidays.”
11. That last evening at about 8:30 or so, on the way home from MA’s, I felt bad *but was able to remember * right there in the car, Sp’s attitude of, “I’m gonna die at midnight tonight. So there are no worries about tomorrow. AND I’m gonna die at midnight tonight. So dance!” And I tried to enjoy the rest of the evening.
12. Today’s In This Moment is testament to the value of (recognizing and) allowing self to *feel * my feelings.
13. And in today’s Voices of Recovery it says, “…myself acknowledge that the payoffs are no longer worth the pain.” (Talking about Step Four/Five stuff).
14. It hurts a lot, but I’m grateful to know the saying, “You can’t get blood from a stone.”
15. Although it is both good for me and good during, I still resist meditating. BUT – I’m resisting it a little less the last two days. Hm. Since started working the CoDA program, and since being born again. Wow.
16. Came here just to post this one gratitude: Hearing those birds outside my window right now. It brings me right into the reality of the beautiful gift of the moment. I am so grateful for that.
17. It is amazing how wonderful finishing a load of laundry feels. I did one. Including sheets. I’m just saying it here: after more than 4 months. Yup. That was the last of the major hygiene self-care hurdles. And I have done it. And towels and socks and underwear (which is NOT the first time lol). Anyway, I’m grateful that I did it.
18. And that I have a dryer where they are drying now.
19. And that it felt so good taking them out of the washer and putting them into the dryer.
20. And that I used the largest cycle and it didn’t leak.
21. And I’m grateful for electricity. I’m sure I must have said that in one of my earlier gratitudes but I’m especially grateful for it today because of all I’ve done today. Including the electricity for the washer.
22. And the dryer.
23. And the stove (even though gas stove, electricity needed to start it).
24. And I’m grateful that I made homemade lentil soup. (It’s almost finished cooking now).
25. And LOTS of it.
26. And that I gave J. the nice package of sweet healthy blueberries yesterday.
27. And that I made the big tray of veggie bake I make. And there are at least 7 ginormous but healthy servings in there, including veggies, a bit of olive oil, protein, and whole grain (and a little margarine and breadcrumbs) in each. So, a complete meal in each serving. It has broccoli and collards and spinach and artichokes and onions and carrots and celery. (And gardein “chicken”). Lot of good –for-me veggies).
28. And – I have made the hummus! Making it a few more times will pay for the flowers I bought!: ) And it’s healthier because I know exactly what went in it. I don’t love it – it tastes too much like tahini instead of hummus – but it is good-tasting enough, and protein rich, and healthy ingreds., and I made it! I am grateful for this luxury of homemade hummus.
29. No a/c so far today: )
30. I just made that phone call I found frightening to make, to Ch to see about doing our yard clean-up etc. for business. I’m grateful that I got that done. AND that I left one message with Mar while talking with her, and one on Ch’s machine.
31. And that if I do not hear back by tomorrow night, I will try once more and then by Wednesday night call someone else. This *will * get done. And I will use my yard. And not live in filth. And not be ashamed. And I am grateful for thinking that way and for any strength I have.
32. I have put away all the food and the dishwasher is running. I have in the fridge right now: lots and lots of lentil soup, about 6 really good healthy servings of the veggie/protein/whole grain bake, homemade hummus, some leftover kale salad, lots of (on sale!) coconut milk yogurt, Ezekial bread, peanut butter, prunes, pears, orange juice, tofu, veggie broth, soy milk, almond milk, and more!
33. And in the freezer I have more lentil soup, that braised cabbage and “arborio rice” dish 3 servings, a nice serving of cabbage-veggie soup with some beans in it, veggies, plantains, squash or something, and more!
34. And in the cabinet I have whole grain pasta and jarred sauce and whole grains and real oatmeal and even instant, and cans of beans and cans of soup, and many spices, and rice thingies, and more!
35. And on the counter I have 2 apples and an orange. And this is what I call wealth. And billions on this planet would call it wealth too. I am fortunate and I am grateful.
36. And on top of it all I am sitting here sipping blooming tea with fresh lemon in it while I am near fresh flowers.
37. And I’m grateful that I just typed, “So who am I to obsess about “problem” but deleted it because this is *gratitudes * - NOT *put-myself-downitudes *!
38. And I have a place where I can go to ask about how to make better hummus.
39. And I did.
40. And I will probably get some replies.
41. I am grateful for the thought that: this is just one day. Just one day off. It is not a lifetime of loneliness and nobody to have a holiday with. In fact, it is an opportunity to grow so that my life is a lot better next year than today! And anyway, it is actually going fine so far: )
42. All the people who’ve come on to share the love about Little-Dog being here: ) Nice.
43. That in ea online just now, under Just For Today in the site, I saw this: “Just for today I will try to be happy, realizing my happiness does not depend on what others do or say or what happens around me. Happiness is a result of being at peace with myself.” This is huge.
44. And this: “Just for today I choose to believe that I can live this one day.”
45. That I think I am ready to start doing my cross-stitch again! Like today! Or very soon! I’m excited about this!
46. I meant ready emotionally, but I’m also so grateful that my thumb is still well!
47. I just spent 11 minutes practicing Mozart.
48. I truly don’t want to feel bad about myself.
49. I am kind of relaxing today. With no pills either (as usual no pills but not as usual relaxing).
50. Having occasions lately (D about daughter, A about son, and person on ea online today) to hear about borderline personality disorder (emotional dysregulation) and DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy). Because I think the former is part of what I have, and the latter is part of what I need. I have looked it up accordingly now. And there is hope in that for me.
51. And that right there in the medical thing(!) they mention mindfulness as in particular, “not … but the kind Thich Nhat Hahn teaches”! Wow!
52. That I just finished second load of laundry. Clothes. Can technically get through Friday now. But think will do one more anyway!
53. That called M about whether to stay in all day if relaxing
54. And that she said because of what I’ve been going through, it is important that I take a walk with Ph at least. And that she has “strong feelings” about a good set-up for my week by doing that.
55. I am grateful that although the a/c’s are in (d.r. and b.r.), and it is warm and was humid today, that I haven’t used a/c. I am fine. And trying to use less.
56. That even though I pray to God that this loss is only temporary, or the permanent part of the loss is only the sick part and we become happily married together (!), I am glad that it says in today’s Daily Om: “When we are ready, the void left by a relationship, a job, or a dream can then be viewed as open space that can be filled with something new.”
57. And it says, “Try not to rush into anything just to fill up the emptiness.” And “…the loss of a relationship can give you a chance to rediscover your own interests, explore new passions, and meet different people.”
58. That in a Daily Recovery Meditation from the other day, it says, “"Serenity is not freedom from the storm,
but peace amid the storm." Anonymous Quote
59. And it goes on to say, “Why is serenity so important to our
recovery? Because darkness cannot exist
where there is light! If we can maintain
a serene state of mind as established
through our faith in HP and the BB
Promises, negative emotions and
behaviour will have no power over
us. Stress, fear, compulsiveness,
obsessiveness, resentment, guilt, shame,
willfulness, doubt, distrust, greed and
envy, have no power over a mind that is
kept in serene repose. Serenity allows
us to see situations clearly and
make wise decisions. Most importantly, by
maintaining a serene mind, we keep the
door to our High Power open.”
60. And this: “ONE DAY AT A TIME…I will face each challenge with grace and serenity.”
61. And I’m grateful for this little prayer, which was in another Recovery Daily meditation, that I opened today: I pray that God will help me to manage
and balance my life so that I can do a
good job with all things, especially
living.
62. I am grateful that third wash is in.
63. And towels are folded and put away. This is more than I’ve done in a LONG time!
64. And tonight, I will make my bed with clean sheets, and sleep in them.
65. And I am about to begin reading the ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) book now, even though I need Two and a Half Men (marathon) on in the background with me at this point. I did not have an *alcoholic * parent, but other family issues which they talk about on their site and could qualify for this program too! I don’t want a third program(!) but CoDA sponsor and I think this book could be very helpful for me, as it has been for her.
66. I never realized until just now, beginning the ACA book, that I always looked good until my father died. THAT was the turning point of looking more like a stereotypical movie version of an old short fat Italian woman in mourning. I am Italian, so if you are reading this, I mean no offense! It’s just my picture. I wasn’t fat at the time, but that’s where the dumpiness began. And I believe where the not washing my hair every other night began too: ( Yes. It was that year, my first year of full time teaching. Wow. What a discovery. I am grateful for he knowledge. Wish it’d come sooner, but grateful for it.
67. And that the first pages were *not * painful to read, but good.
68. And that there is hope here too.
69. And the 3rd big load of laundry is done. 2 very big and 1 medium big. And all is hanging (and a little in dryer still turning). All I have left to do is make the bed, and that’ll be easy : )
70. And I just ate pasta for dinner and did not eat as much as I’d have liked.
71. And Ph and I *will * have a nice walk a little later : ) I’ve decided.
72. And I’m gonna try to get up at 4:30 and if not, then 5:00 and I’m glad I’m able to get up and function so early.
73. All the really good hummus recipes I got from people in response to my post today : )
74. That I will get to sleep with my Ph again tonight. Thank you, God. And maybe I’ll come straight home and take to park, and she can stay ‘til Thursday! We’ll see : )
75. Sometimes I wonder *why * meetings help. Maybe I’m not supposed to, but I do. And I just saw this on ACA site: “The healing begins when we risk moving out of isolation. Feelings and buried memories will return. By gradually releasing the burden of unexpressed grief, we slowly move out of the past. We learn to re-parent ourselves with gentleness, humor, love and respect.” And that helped me to understand about the meetings, too, I think.
76. The beautiful Native to this land poetry I found during my research that time.
77. And “When we release our parents from responsibility for our actions today, we become free to make healthful decisions as actors, not reactors.”
78. And, “We progress from hurting, to healing, to helping. We awaken to a sense of wholeness we never knew was possible.”
79. And after saying about seeing others who know how I feel (which there *is * a meeting I can maybe get to – well I can definitely get to – if it exists: ) – it says: “We are sure that as the love grows inside you, you will see beautiful changes in all your relationships, especially with your Higher Power, yourself, and your parents.”
80. That my daddy served in WWII.
81. And that he lived through it.
82. My mother for giving birth to me.
83. My father for conceiving me and supporting her through the pregnancy.
84. Dr. F. who did my double surgery successfully.
85. Dr. A. who did my emergency surgery successfully.
86. The nurses at the hospital after my heart procedure, who helped me when I was going into shock.
87. My sense of taste. The enjoyment of it.
88. And – that it helps me not to eat poisons.
89. My immune system.
90. My nervous system.
91. My mind that is able to have memories.
92. My teachers. Mrs. O’S, my kindergarten teacher.
93. And what she did the day of my zebra-man drawing: )
94. The moon.
95. The stars. Both for brightening up our night sky.
96. Rain. For helping the flowers and other plants grow.
97. Oxygen. For making life possible.
98. Water. For making life possible.
99. The classical music radio station for in the car.
100. Kind strangers. Random acts of kindness.
101. And the person who coined that term, so we’d “all” become so familiar with it.
Affirmations Today
Breathing in I am aware of the present moment.
Breathing out I know it is a wonderful moment.
I have God.
I have nature.
I have Little-Dog here.
I have flowers.
I have all that I need.
I am a real woman and a strong woman.
I am feminine.
I am lovable.
J. loves me.
I am happy.
He is happy.
We are happy together.
Breathing in I am aware of the present moment.
Breathing out I know it is a wonderful moment.
I have God.
I have nature.
I have Little-Dog here.
I have flowers.
I have all that I need.
I am a real woman and a strong woman.
I am feminine.
I am lovable.
J. loves me.
I am happy.
He is happy.
We are happy together.
Breathing in I am aware of the present moment.
Breathing out I know it is a wonderful moment.
I have God.
I have nature.
I have flowers.
I have all that I need.
I am a real woman and a strong woman.
I am feminine.
I am lovable.
J. loves me.
I am happy.
He is happy.
We are happy together.
Breathing in I am aware of the present moment.
Breathing out I know it is a wonderful moment.
I have God.
I have nature.
I have flowers.
I have all that I need.
I am a real woman and a strong woman.
I am feminine.
I am lovable.
J. loves me.
I am happy.
He is happy.
We are happy together.
Breathing in I am aware of the present moment.
Breathing out I know it is a wonderful moment.
I have God.
I have nature.
I have flowers.
I have all that I need.
I am a real woman and a strong woman.
I am feminine.
I am lovable.
J. loves me.
I am happy.
He is happy.
We are happy together.
Breathing out I know it is a wonderful moment.
I have God.
I have nature.
I have Little-Dog here.
I have flowers.
I have all that I need.
I am a real woman and a strong woman.
I am feminine.
I am lovable.
J. loves me.
I am happy.
He is happy.
We are happy together.
Breathing in I am aware of the present moment.
Breathing out I know it is a wonderful moment.
I have God.
I have nature.
I have Little-Dog here.
I have flowers.
I have all that I need.
I am a real woman and a strong woman.
I am feminine.
I am lovable.
J. loves me.
I am happy.
He is happy.
We are happy together.
Breathing in I am aware of the present moment.
Breathing out I know it is a wonderful moment.
I have God.
I have nature.
I have flowers.
I have all that I need.
I am a real woman and a strong woman.
I am feminine.
I am lovable.
J. loves me.
I am happy.
He is happy.
We are happy together.
Breathing in I am aware of the present moment.
Breathing out I know it is a wonderful moment.
I have God.
I have nature.
I have flowers.
I have all that I need.
I am a real woman and a strong woman.
I am feminine.
I am lovable.
J. loves me.
I am happy.
He is happy.
We are happy together.
Breathing in I am aware of the present moment.
Breathing out I know it is a wonderful moment.
I have God.
I have nature.
I have flowers.
I have all that I need.
I am a real woman and a strong woman.
I am feminine.
I am lovable.
J. loves me.
I am happy.
He is happy.
We are happy together.
My Current Gift of Abstinence
I had some form of abstinence for about 2 months, then broke it Thursday night.
But have had it Friday, Saturday, and yesterday.
And am very grateful for the 3-day gift. Have prayed and prepared for abstinence today.
I also must remember that every single time, I have found that keeping track of what I eat, either writing it, typing it, calling it in to a sponsor before or after, or e-mailing it to a sponsor before or after, has been BAD FOR MY ABSTINENCE.
And not fall prey to that anymore.
Thank you God, for the 3 days.
May I continue to do the footwork and to turn to you each day for abstinence. Amen.
But have had it Friday, Saturday, and yesterday.
And am very grateful for the 3-day gift. Have prayed and prepared for abstinence today.
I also must remember that every single time, I have found that keeping track of what I eat, either writing it, typing it, calling it in to a sponsor before or after, or e-mailing it to a sponsor before or after, has been BAD FOR MY ABSTINENCE.
And not fall prey to that anymore.
Thank you God, for the 3 days.
May I continue to do the footwork and to turn to you each day for abstinence. Amen.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
My Daily 100 Gratitudes Today
I am grateful:
1. I am grateful for the gift of life today. Truly. Finally.
2. That I’m not feeling like doing nothing but blaming myself this morning. But also like rejoicing.
3. And might just go with K. to church.
4. I think I shall call Ro from OA, and offer to help her get started.
5. In today’s For Today: “Strength is seeing the truth about myself in an accepting, loving light.”
6. And “It is doing what is necessary with kindness and respect for myself and the people around me.”
7. And “The truly strong have no need to be hard or unjust toward themselves or others.”
8. It’s all big here today. And this biggy: “For today: I see my growing strength in the gentleness and consideration with which I treat people, including those who are closest to me.”
9. In today’s Voices of Recovery: “When the individual accepts, on an unconscious level, the reality of not being able to handle compulsive overeating, there is no residual battle.” OA 2nd Ed. P. 238
10. And this: “I know I cannot walk through a brick wall, and I’ve totally accepted this fact, so I don’t try. I don’t even resent the fact that I can’t do it. When I accept Step One as completely as this, I am easily abstinent. I am free.”
11. In today’s The Language of Letting Go (Melodie Beattie, leant to me by K) it says: “Willpower is not the key to the way of life we are seeking. Surrender is.”
12. And it goes on to talk about having spent a lifetime “…trying to make people be, do or feel something they aren’t, don’t want to do, and choose not to feel. I have made them, and myself, crazy in that process.”
13. And: “What I’m saying is this: I’ve spent much of my life desperately and vainly trying t do the impossible and feeling like a failure when I couldn’t.”
14. And: “It’s been like planting corn and trying to make the seeds grow peas. Won’t work!”
15. Wow. And this: “’By surrendering to powerlessness, I gain the presence of mind to stop wasting my time and energy trying to change and control that which I cannot change and control. It gives me permission to stop trying to do the impossible and focus on what is possible: being who I am, loving myself, feeling what I feel, and doing what I want to do with life.’”
16. And this: “In recovery, we learn to stop fighting lions, simply because we cannot win. We also learn that the more we are focused on controlling and changing others, the more unmanageable our life becomes. The more we focus on living our own [OWN] life, the more we have a life to live, and the more manageable our life will become.”
17. And: “Today, I will accept powerlessness where I have no power to change things, and I’ll allow my life to become manageable.”
18. That although I’m very up and down today, I have had moments of being okay doing my stuff. Like that time I went by J’s when he was at DeW’s, unexpectedly, and with a problem I’m sure, and saw him in the kitchen cooking up some hot dogs and that lima bean veggie frozen veg thing and maybe sauerkraut, and seeming so at ease and okay there alone making dinner for self to eat alone. And I was so jealous of that. And I felt that this morning in the kitchen here. Thank you, God.
19. That I just talked to MA.
20. And we *are * having dinner tonight, she and her niece and I.
21. And that I did meditate. And it was beautiful.
22. And “looking at” the flowers, with eyes blurred, was so nice and added a lot. And cheerfulness. Like an upbeat meditation instead of a serious one. Better. And more TNH anyway, I believe!
23. That I only have to do reading today for my Step work lol : )
24. That I went to the meeting and it was a good meeting.
25. That the newest person lead.
26. And that I did some service by chairs, timing, and reporting on the sending of the money to intergroup.
27. That I did get to go to lunch afterward, with two other people.
28. That they don’t seen to see me as an intrusion.
29. That I had a healthy abstinent lunch (though next time I am going back to what I had the first time, which is half the amount and take the rest home).
30. That we laughed at the meeting.
31. That the two people at lunch were nice to me.
32. We were all nice to each other.
33. I had a nice time.
34. No problems getting home.
35. MA called. Not to cancel, but to confirm.
36. And while she was thinking of canceling tomorrow’s lunch with ML, now thinks she might not, since I might come along.
37. That I took apart my two colorforms “arts.”
38. And make one new one, combining material from both.
39. And that I think I shall make the sunroom into a happy-room. Like, table on which to do jigsaw puzzles. (Might need to hook up tv from d.r. or one in there.)
40. And a place to paint! (with a TARP under!!!!)
41. And a loveseat thingy for sitting and doing needlepoint or reading or having tea (little table near)
42. Get the wrought iron stuff outside. So, like easel by back of house, in far corner maybe, sofa thing by front window – or maybe little chair – wicker with upholstery, something like that – with little table, and something nicer than card table in middle for jigsaw puzzles, manifestation board, some painting, whatever.. That might be just perfect: )
43. And I will find a way to deal with the treadmill (maybe behind loveseat) and the reiki table, though no idea where – maybe block J’s closet for now?
44. That piece of glass I found in driveway, which J. said is a table top that he “needs to get rid of,” so I may have it for painting!
45. That I had a nice phone talk with K this morning.
46. That maybe next Sun I can go with her to the 5*pm * church thing!: ) ?
47. That there was a message from O.
48. And she does want to see for piano and friendship catching-up. And *will * let me have *one * lesson a month, shorter, and of course cheaper.
49. And that I returned that message and left one for her.
50. That Ma this morning talked to me afterward about mindfulness.
51. And I got two L hugs (one for last week: )
52. That I’m realizing everything isn’t an emergency. Yay. This is huge. Like, I’m a little nervous sometimes about the list of things that need doing. But just like the sink worked out, the toilet will, and I will approach the others when I can - *and none of them is life threatening to me or anyone else.
53. And I like that the topic I picked for SpSp today later was the exact same topic the leader picked at our meeting!
54. And that Temple Grandor was mentioned and discussed a little at lunch. And how “she could really feels what the cow were feeling, going through.” Maybe more people *are * beginning to think – after all, I[‘m not the one who said that: )
55. That I realized I can call Mar for grounds guy’s number, do not have to call J.
56. That M just called me. From the pool with her girls. I am so glad to hear from her (twice in one day!). And that she wants to hear my voice.
57. And I’m grateful that they are happy there.
58. Tomorrow I will do laundry, lots of it.
59. And take a walk – with Ph. And count it for my 1/3 or the 20- minute walks I committed to K.
60. And probably have lunch with MA, ML, and MA’s niece
61. I’ve kind of enjoyed House Hunters and House Hunters International today.
62. I am grateful that I just did the Process Writing thins ending with the prayer, as K. taught me yesterday.
63. That it is really okay to relax and to rest.
64. And to sleep.
65. That I know exactly where we’re going to dinner, and exactly what I can order and that it is abstinent, healthy, veggies and fruits and a little protein and bread, and satisfying and yummy and price-okay: )
66. That I did talk to my mother twice today.
67. Perhaps I’ll invite her and Marilyn to tea tomorrow early evening? Or a meeting tomorrow night?
68. That I listened to classical music – mainly piano – in the car both ways meeting and back today – and really enjoyed it.
69. And found a much cheaper gas station (after one of the women told me about it) and will probably use it next Sunday!: )
70. That I will read the ACoC (Adult Children of Alcoholics) book in bed tonight, probably.
71. I had the dinner visit with MA and her niece.
72. We had a nice time.
73. I was able to hold up my end of the conversation, politely, intelligently, and fun.
74. I ate great.
75. J. called. Good thing because I’d forgotten about the time and him and to pick up Ph soon. Which is good too.
76. And I got through the seeing him.
77. And I gifted him with fresh blueberries.
78. And Ph was so happy to see me! All waggly and following me upstairs into the bathroom and everything!
79. And she’ll be here until at least Tuesday! And I don’t care if I have to change my schedule to make it work!
80. And I shall sleep with her in bed together yay.
81. And she’s happy both there and here. Yay.
82. And J. bathed her yay.
83. And soon it will be summer and she can be here much more!
84. And I will walk 20 minutes (or more) with her tomorrow. And play with her. And cuddle her.
85. And I did my early pm CoDa work. And am about to do my PM CoDA work.
86. I love my body right now. I can honestly say I love my body. Fat, out of shape, not traditionally fit and beautiful in that way right now but I accept, appreciate, and love my body. And I am so grateful for that!
87. Beautiful weather tonight! Warmish with a lovely breeze!
88. No accident on way home. Actually thought about, well, you know, but didn’t. And saw an accident-accident.
89. The altar info I got fr Mos today
90. And the altar info I got from Fr
91. Did my drops and pill and will go to bed soon.
92. Mixed up and a bit sad and scared but really feel mostly good.
93. Decided what/where to get MA’s gift. I think she’ll love it and if not it is returnable (and right next to where I work: ) And I don’t have to spend too much either.
94. Soon her linden tree will smell gorgeous and I’ll be there.
95. My petunias still smell heavenly as I walk toward my door.
96. My home is starting to feel like a nice nest for me.
97. I *might * be able to get some fragrant flowers put it. Otherwise, impatiens.
98. I will be able to have morning coffee and do some/all of my morning work outside for months now! Soon!!
99. I’m just chillin’ tonight.
100. Colorforms are such a non-threatening way to do my art.
101. And I’m glad I told the kids about them too.
1. I am grateful for the gift of life today. Truly. Finally.
2. That I’m not feeling like doing nothing but blaming myself this morning. But also like rejoicing.
3. And might just go with K. to church.
4. I think I shall call Ro from OA, and offer to help her get started.
5. In today’s For Today: “Strength is seeing the truth about myself in an accepting, loving light.”
6. And “It is doing what is necessary with kindness and respect for myself and the people around me.”
7. And “The truly strong have no need to be hard or unjust toward themselves or others.”
8. It’s all big here today. And this biggy: “For today: I see my growing strength in the gentleness and consideration with which I treat people, including those who are closest to me.”
9. In today’s Voices of Recovery: “When the individual accepts, on an unconscious level, the reality of not being able to handle compulsive overeating, there is no residual battle.” OA 2nd Ed. P. 238
10. And this: “I know I cannot walk through a brick wall, and I’ve totally accepted this fact, so I don’t try. I don’t even resent the fact that I can’t do it. When I accept Step One as completely as this, I am easily abstinent. I am free.”
11. In today’s The Language of Letting Go (Melodie Beattie, leant to me by K) it says: “Willpower is not the key to the way of life we are seeking. Surrender is.”
12. And it goes on to talk about having spent a lifetime “…trying to make people be, do or feel something they aren’t, don’t want to do, and choose not to feel. I have made them, and myself, crazy in that process.”
13. And: “What I’m saying is this: I’ve spent much of my life desperately and vainly trying t do the impossible and feeling like a failure when I couldn’t.”
14. And: “It’s been like planting corn and trying to make the seeds grow peas. Won’t work!”
15. Wow. And this: “’By surrendering to powerlessness, I gain the presence of mind to stop wasting my time and energy trying to change and control that which I cannot change and control. It gives me permission to stop trying to do the impossible and focus on what is possible: being who I am, loving myself, feeling what I feel, and doing what I want to do with life.’”
16. And this: “In recovery, we learn to stop fighting lions, simply because we cannot win. We also learn that the more we are focused on controlling and changing others, the more unmanageable our life becomes. The more we focus on living our own [OWN] life, the more we have a life to live, and the more manageable our life will become.”
17. And: “Today, I will accept powerlessness where I have no power to change things, and I’ll allow my life to become manageable.”
18. That although I’m very up and down today, I have had moments of being okay doing my stuff. Like that time I went by J’s when he was at DeW’s, unexpectedly, and with a problem I’m sure, and saw him in the kitchen cooking up some hot dogs and that lima bean veggie frozen veg thing and maybe sauerkraut, and seeming so at ease and okay there alone making dinner for self to eat alone. And I was so jealous of that. And I felt that this morning in the kitchen here. Thank you, God.
19. That I just talked to MA.
20. And we *are * having dinner tonight, she and her niece and I.
21. And that I did meditate. And it was beautiful.
22. And “looking at” the flowers, with eyes blurred, was so nice and added a lot. And cheerfulness. Like an upbeat meditation instead of a serious one. Better. And more TNH anyway, I believe!
23. That I only have to do reading today for my Step work lol : )
24. That I went to the meeting and it was a good meeting.
25. That the newest person lead.
26. And that I did some service by chairs, timing, and reporting on the sending of the money to intergroup.
27. That I did get to go to lunch afterward, with two other people.
28. That they don’t seen to see me as an intrusion.
29. That I had a healthy abstinent lunch (though next time I am going back to what I had the first time, which is half the amount and take the rest home).
30. That we laughed at the meeting.
31. That the two people at lunch were nice to me.
32. We were all nice to each other.
33. I had a nice time.
34. No problems getting home.
35. MA called. Not to cancel, but to confirm.
36. And while she was thinking of canceling tomorrow’s lunch with ML, now thinks she might not, since I might come along.
37. That I took apart my two colorforms “arts.”
38. And make one new one, combining material from both.
39. And that I think I shall make the sunroom into a happy-room. Like, table on which to do jigsaw puzzles. (Might need to hook up tv from d.r. or one in there.)
40. And a place to paint! (with a TARP under!!!!)
41. And a loveseat thingy for sitting and doing needlepoint or reading or having tea (little table near)
42. Get the wrought iron stuff outside. So, like easel by back of house, in far corner maybe, sofa thing by front window – or maybe little chair – wicker with upholstery, something like that – with little table, and something nicer than card table in middle for jigsaw puzzles, manifestation board, some painting, whatever.. That might be just perfect: )
43. And I will find a way to deal with the treadmill (maybe behind loveseat) and the reiki table, though no idea where – maybe block J’s closet for now?
44. That piece of glass I found in driveway, which J. said is a table top that he “needs to get rid of,” so I may have it for painting!
45. That I had a nice phone talk with K this morning.
46. That maybe next Sun I can go with her to the 5*pm * church thing!: ) ?
47. That there was a message from O.
48. And she does want to see for piano and friendship catching-up. And *will * let me have *one * lesson a month, shorter, and of course cheaper.
49. And that I returned that message and left one for her.
50. That Ma this morning talked to me afterward about mindfulness.
51. And I got two L hugs (one for last week: )
52. That I’m realizing everything isn’t an emergency. Yay. This is huge. Like, I’m a little nervous sometimes about the list of things that need doing. But just like the sink worked out, the toilet will, and I will approach the others when I can - *and none of them is life threatening to me or anyone else.
53. And I like that the topic I picked for SpSp today later was the exact same topic the leader picked at our meeting!
54. And that Temple Grandor was mentioned and discussed a little at lunch. And how “she could really feels what the cow were feeling, going through.” Maybe more people *are * beginning to think – after all, I[‘m not the one who said that: )
55. That I realized I can call Mar for grounds guy’s number, do not have to call J.
56. That M just called me. From the pool with her girls. I am so glad to hear from her (twice in one day!). And that she wants to hear my voice.
57. And I’m grateful that they are happy there.
58. Tomorrow I will do laundry, lots of it.
59. And take a walk – with Ph. And count it for my 1/3 or the 20- minute walks I committed to K.
60. And probably have lunch with MA, ML, and MA’s niece
61. I’ve kind of enjoyed House Hunters and House Hunters International today.
62. I am grateful that I just did the Process Writing thins ending with the prayer, as K. taught me yesterday.
63. That it is really okay to relax and to rest.
64. And to sleep.
65. That I know exactly where we’re going to dinner, and exactly what I can order and that it is abstinent, healthy, veggies and fruits and a little protein and bread, and satisfying and yummy and price-okay: )
66. That I did talk to my mother twice today.
67. Perhaps I’ll invite her and Marilyn to tea tomorrow early evening? Or a meeting tomorrow night?
68. That I listened to classical music – mainly piano – in the car both ways meeting and back today – and really enjoyed it.
69. And found a much cheaper gas station (after one of the women told me about it) and will probably use it next Sunday!: )
70. That I will read the ACoC (Adult Children of Alcoholics) book in bed tonight, probably.
71. I had the dinner visit with MA and her niece.
72. We had a nice time.
73. I was able to hold up my end of the conversation, politely, intelligently, and fun.
74. I ate great.
75. J. called. Good thing because I’d forgotten about the time and him and to pick up Ph soon. Which is good too.
76. And I got through the seeing him.
77. And I gifted him with fresh blueberries.
78. And Ph was so happy to see me! All waggly and following me upstairs into the bathroom and everything!
79. And she’ll be here until at least Tuesday! And I don’t care if I have to change my schedule to make it work!
80. And I shall sleep with her in bed together yay.
81. And she’s happy both there and here. Yay.
82. And J. bathed her yay.
83. And soon it will be summer and she can be here much more!
84. And I will walk 20 minutes (or more) with her tomorrow. And play with her. And cuddle her.
85. And I did my early pm CoDa work. And am about to do my PM CoDA work.
86. I love my body right now. I can honestly say I love my body. Fat, out of shape, not traditionally fit and beautiful in that way right now but I accept, appreciate, and love my body. And I am so grateful for that!
87. Beautiful weather tonight! Warmish with a lovely breeze!
88. No accident on way home. Actually thought about, well, you know, but didn’t. And saw an accident-accident.
89. The altar info I got fr Mos today
90. And the altar info I got from Fr
91. Did my drops and pill and will go to bed soon.
92. Mixed up and a bit sad and scared but really feel mostly good.
93. Decided what/where to get MA’s gift. I think she’ll love it and if not it is returnable (and right next to where I work: ) And I don’t have to spend too much either.
94. Soon her linden tree will smell gorgeous and I’ll be there.
95. My petunias still smell heavenly as I walk toward my door.
96. My home is starting to feel like a nice nest for me.
97. I *might * be able to get some fragrant flowers put it. Otherwise, impatiens.
98. I will be able to have morning coffee and do some/all of my morning work outside for months now! Soon!!
99. I’m just chillin’ tonight.
100. Colorforms are such a non-threatening way to do my art.
101. And I’m glad I told the kids about them too.
Happinesses, Joys, Fun, etc. Today
I had fun putting in the recipes into my blog this morning. It helped me feel happy.
And thinking about getting a barbeque grill thing and fixing up yard including flowers.
And knowing that I will really do this, not just plan it:)
And looking at my flowers on the coffee table, with their yellows and deep pink and reds and purples and the greens in the white pitcher-vase. So nice.
And thinking about getting a barbeque grill thing and fixing up yard including flowers.
And knowing that I will really do this, not just plan it:)
And looking at my flowers on the coffee table, with their yellows and deep pink and reds and purples and the greens in the white pitcher-vase. So nice.
Mom and J's Lentil Soup
Put lentils in a pot (from plastic bag)
Cover with water
Add baby carrots - can chop, don't have to
And an onion, cut
And red pepper flakes - about 1/2 teaspoon - to taste
And little sage (1 teaspoon packed)
And 1 1/2 T olive oil
And a little salt (kosher)
2 - 3 packages of veggie bouillon or *chicken flavored vegan one*
CAN add celery but she doesn't
Put burner on medium
When boils, lower to simmer, with lid partially off
Stir every once in a while
Til cooked - about 40 minutes, stirring occasionally
*Can also be made in slow cooker!
*Also freezes well
Healthy
and good for weight
and easy
and inexpensive
and yum!
Cover with water
Add baby carrots - can chop, don't have to
And an onion, cut
And red pepper flakes - about 1/2 teaspoon - to taste
And little sage (1 teaspoon packed)
And 1 1/2 T olive oil
And a little salt (kosher)
2 - 3 packages of veggie bouillon or *chicken flavored vegan one*
CAN add celery but she doesn't
Put burner on medium
When boils, lower to simmer, with lid partially off
Stir every once in a while
Til cooked - about 40 minutes, stirring occasionally
*Can also be made in slow cooker!
*Also freezes well
Healthy
and good for weight
and easy
and inexpensive
and yum!
Mom's Pasta Fagioli
1. Oil in pan (2 T)
2. Add lots garlic powder and a little hot pepper (flakes)
3. Add can of crushed tomatoes
(Gonna cook a long time)
Meanwhile, after about 70 or 80 minutes, in another pot, boil water.
When ready, add pasta* (she uses ditaline; I use small whole-grain anything about 1/2 of a 13 oz box)
*About when the water is boiled and gonna add the pasta to it, add can of white beans with gunk to the sauce
When pasta done, drain and add to the beans in sauce. Stir.
Yum and healthy.
Easy and inexpensive.
2. Add lots garlic powder and a little hot pepper (flakes)
3. Add can of crushed tomatoes
(Gonna cook a long time)
Meanwhile, after about 70 or 80 minutes, in another pot, boil water.
When ready, add pasta* (she uses ditaline; I use small whole-grain anything about 1/2 of a 13 oz box)
*About when the water is boiled and gonna add the pasta to it, add can of white beans with gunk to the sauce
When pasta done, drain and add to the beans in sauce. Stir.
Yum and healthy.
Easy and inexpensive.
Mom's Vegetable Stew
My precious mom devised this for me when I first became vegetarian, almost 21 years ago, and she didn't understand that but wanted to support it and be able to cook for me
*Filling and Delicious
Can have with a salad too or some nice whole grain Italian type bread
I love it hot, warm, or cold from fridge!
Even on a sandwich!
Add a little oil to a pot, and add garlic powder. Hot pepper (flakes) optional.
Blend one 28 ox. can crushed tomatoes in blender.
Add to pot and put gas on. Add 1/2 can of water.
Add two peeled potatoes, cut into pieces.
Add baby carrots and 1 pkg. frozen string beans.
Can also add 1 small can Le Seur peas.
let simmer for at least 1 1/2 hours - and test carrots with fork to make sure they are tender.
While simmering, stir every once in a while.
***It is much better than it sounds, and "sticks to your ribs."
*Filling and Delicious
Can have with a salad too or some nice whole grain Italian type bread
I love it hot, warm, or cold from fridge!
Even on a sandwich!
Add a little oil to a pot, and add garlic powder. Hot pepper (flakes) optional.
Blend one 28 ox. can crushed tomatoes in blender.
Add to pot and put gas on. Add 1/2 can of water.
Add two peeled potatoes, cut into pieces.
Add baby carrots and 1 pkg. frozen string beans.
Can also add 1 small can Le Seur peas.
let simmer for at least 1 1/2 hours - and test carrots with fork to make sure they are tender.
While simmering, stir every once in a while.
***It is much better than it sounds, and "sticks to your ribs."
Not Ricotta Stuffed Shells (from Daisy)
***I do not do the stuffed shells. I do lasagna, which tastes like pesto lasagna (!) or now that I'm not really eating such white flour, I just put this mixture on whole-grain pasta, like a pesto sauce stirring *well*, so that I'm just using the ingredients and ignoring the directions below.
If I can find whole-grain lasagna noodles or stuffed shells, I will try that too!
1. 12 manicotti pasta shells cooked, drained, and cooled
2. 14 ounces extra firm toru, drained & crumbled
3. Two tablespoons olive oil
4. Three cloves garlic
5. 1/2 teaspoon salt (she uses more, I use less than this even, or totally omit)
6. 1/3 bunch fresh spinach, roughly chopped.
7. One tablespoon crushed dry oregano.
Combine ingredients two through seven in food processor and process until creamy. Stuff each shell generously. Sppon your choice of tomato or spaghetti sauce across bottom of baking dish. Place shells in dish and drizzle a bit more sauce across the top of shells. Bake at 350 degrees until sauce is bubbly and shells are heated through.
Can freeze them individually. Vacuum seal in servings.
***I have also changed this a lot on different occasions, depending on what I have in the house. Like more spinach, or frozen spinach defrosted, fresh parsley, might add a few nuts sometime, add water if using blender instead of food processor and not blending well, ...might add basil this summer...Always yum! And has veggie and protein.
If I can find whole-grain lasagna noodles or stuffed shells, I will try that too!
1. 12 manicotti pasta shells cooked, drained, and cooled
2. 14 ounces extra firm toru, drained & crumbled
3. Two tablespoons olive oil
4. Three cloves garlic
5. 1/2 teaspoon salt (she uses more, I use less than this even, or totally omit)
6. 1/3 bunch fresh spinach, roughly chopped.
7. One tablespoon crushed dry oregano.
Combine ingredients two through seven in food processor and process until creamy. Stuff each shell generously. Sppon your choice of tomato or spaghetti sauce across bottom of baking dish. Place shells in dish and drizzle a bit more sauce across the top of shells. Bake at 350 degrees until sauce is bubbly and shells are heated through.
Can freeze them individually. Vacuum seal in servings.
***I have also changed this a lot on different occasions, depending on what I have in the house. Like more spinach, or frozen spinach defrosted, fresh parsley, might add a few nuts sometime, add water if using blender instead of food processor and not blending well, ...might add basil this summer...Always yum! And has veggie and protein.
Affirmations
God made me.
I have accepted Jesus into my heart.
I am new.
I am good enough.
I have enough.
I am enough.
I am improving.
I am ready for joy.
God made me.
I have accepted Jesus into my heart.
I am new.
I am good enough.
I have enough.
I am enough.
I am improving.
I am ready for joy.
God made me.
I have accepted Jesus into my heart.
I am new.
I am good enough.
I have enough.
I am enough.
I am improving.
I am ready for joy.
God made me.
I have accepted Jesus into my heart.
I am new.
I am good enough.
I have enough.
I am enough.
I am improving.
I am ready for joy.
God made me.
I have accepted Jesus into my heart.
I am new.
I am good enough.
I have enough.
I am enough.
I am improving.
I am ready for joy.
God made me.
I have accepted Jesus into my heart.
I am new.
I am good enough.
I have enough.
I am improving.
I am ready for joy.
God made me.
I have accepted Jesus into my heart.
I am new.
I am good enough.
I have enough.
I am improving.
I am ready for joy.
My relationship with J. heals into a beautiful marriage.
My relationship with J. heals into a beautiful marriage.
I have accepted Jesus into my heart.
I am new.
I am good enough.
I have enough.
I am enough.
I am improving.
I am ready for joy.
God made me.
I have accepted Jesus into my heart.
I am new.
I am good enough.
I have enough.
I am enough.
I am improving.
I am ready for joy.
God made me.
I have accepted Jesus into my heart.
I am new.
I am good enough.
I have enough.
I am enough.
I am improving.
I am ready for joy.
God made me.
I have accepted Jesus into my heart.
I am new.
I am good enough.
I have enough.
I am enough.
I am improving.
I am ready for joy.
God made me.
I have accepted Jesus into my heart.
I am new.
I am good enough.
I have enough.
I am enough.
I am improving.
I am ready for joy.
God made me.
I have accepted Jesus into my heart.
I am new.
I am good enough.
I have enough.
I am improving.
I am ready for joy.
God made me.
I have accepted Jesus into my heart.
I am new.
I am good enough.
I have enough.
I am improving.
I am ready for joy.
My relationship with J. heals into a beautiful marriage.
My relationship with J. heals into a beautiful marriage.
One Hundred Gratitudes Today - Yesterday's Finished
I am grateful:
1. That I just got to do stuff *on my blog. * That’s a relief. I did mention as last one on previous grats. I just posted that I was grateful Blogger was back up and running, but I’m so relieved about this, and I did just use it(!) so I think this counts: )
2. In today’s For Today: “As for the future, your task is not to foresee, but to enable it.” Antoine de Saint-Exupery
3. I do not *feel like * a compulsive overeater today. I know I am one; that’s not a problem for today, the knowing. But it’s so wonderful to not feel like one.
4. And I don’t feel like compulsively overeating (or overeating or eating badly) at all today for now. This is a wonderful feeling.
5. And I really believe that the more I eat *vegetables * for my eating, the more this and many other good things happen. Wow. These last three here – this is huge. Thank you, God.
6. What I used to do, even recently, is described exactly in today’s For Today: I incessantly planned the outcome, but I was paralyzed when it came to taking the action.” It is comforting to so see myself there. And know that I am not alone. That others have done exactly this, which I have thought of so much lately as a major shortcoming, and they have recovered from doing it! And so can I. Thank you, God.
7. And it says, “Today I am willing to do the footwork. I ask God for the courage to look for and accept my defects and the willingness to ask for their removal.” Wow. Right as I’m working Step Seven, which I began yesterday!
8. And: “That is my task as far as my future is concerned. I change myself in order to live at peace with whatever the future brings, not to decide what the future will be.
9. I think I really was just not ready last time. Because I used to read this book and think, “What’s the big deal? It doesn’t help me at all.” And now I think it is gems. Thank you, God. Thank you.
10. I believe the answer really is in the Steps. For example I awoke so badly this morning. Desperate, unhappy, lonely, sad, scared, hole in stomach…And just writing (copying) and reading and thinking about Step Seven is helping me a bit.
11. As did praying first thing help me a bit already too.
12. And the biggy: For today: “As wishful thinking and daydreaming become less frequent, I know I am recovering.” Wow.
13. In today’s IN This Moment: In This Moment, I listen for wisdom. Once it was easy and natural for me to hear my inner voice – my thoughts, feelings, and desires. When I was a little child, I knew these things intuitively and expressed them spontaneously. Then something happened to push that voice down and drown it out. It was there all along. I hear it clearly now. When I quiet the old tapes in my mind, my inner voice comes through. It rises at the invitation as if from a long sleep. I greet my inner voice with great joy and listen for wisdom.
14. When J came back from LA, and when I visited him there, and how we could not keep our hands off each other. He *did * feel that for me. And many times since.
15. In today’s Voices of Recovery: “We seek to examine our actions so we can learn from our mistakes and build on our successes.” 12 & 12 OA p. 87
16. And after it goes on to talk about Step Ten, it says: Show me the way, Higher Power. Your will be done, not mine.
17. E-mail. I am grateful for e-mail.
18. And for telephones.
19. And for cellphones.
20. And for aspirin.
21. And for new starts that are real, not just planning.
22. Sp: You’re afraid of yourself. But God takes care of you. He always has. He always will.
23. You don’t have to be afraid of being with yourself. L is not scary.
24. You have to look at that positive list - …
25. Sp saying after Step Four realized, and wrote (and cried): Mama was wrong (in saying Sp no good not capable…)
26. You have to hear every word that you say. Because there’s tremendous insight and recovery. You liveD that way which is a little crazy, but that’s what got you through. But you don’t live that way now.
27. And you have to listen... That’s what a good mirror does. So I have to hear the way I talk. ‘Cause I’m the last person to know I’ve changed.
28. "Be patient with yourself. Self-growth is tender; it's holy ground. There is no greater investment." S. Covey (I got from SpSp)
29. Colleen Patrick-Goudreau: "Just because you can't do everything, don't do nothing...do something, anything!" (I got from vb)
30. From SpSp from a singer on fb: "We don't turn to Jesus to get things, we turn to Jesus to get Jesus."
31. That I did my 10 minutes of meditation. Didn’t want to, as always, but did it.
32. And that after the first couple of minutes of dis-ease, it felt good.
33. A smile came, and I started to hear the birds again.
34. And afterward, my first deep breath in many days came. And more. And a sort of moan. Almost as big a release as sex.
35. And I shared it with my meditation friends.
36. And that now I shall shower and get to the meeting.
37. Thank you, God, for holding onto me.
38. And for giving me the courage to use your name in that meditation share, because at first I was afraid of people turning off or something.
39. CoDA Sp was here today. Sponsoring me. Lent me things too. And gave me a job to do each morning and evening.
40. We had a nice time together.
41. And I became born again.
42. And felt new. And still do.
43. Now J is here (for mother’s a/c) talking about how he needs to tell her…but at least he is looking into the toilet situation while he’s here
44. And now he’s gone and I’ve talked with M (who’d called when he was here) and the toilet only needs like a 10 dollar valve or something, which I believe he will do.
45. And the sink is draining. Yay. He did show me how, which of course I wish I had my husband here doing, but at least now I can.
46. Plus it will help me to continue becoming more independent and fully functional woman.
47. CSP (CoDA Sp) invited me to her church with her tomorrow!
48. And with her to that inspirational speaker tonight! Whether I go tomorrow (not going tonight) or not, I’m grateful that she invited me.
49. And she said reach out to friends.
50. And call her too. Don’t isolate.
51. And she gave me so much today!
52. And then she said, “What this is, is sponsorship. And someday you will be feeling better too, and you will share this with someone else.”
53. And she explained how low *she’d * been. And that helped give me hope too.
54. And she talked about how her life is now. And it’s not perfect and her bad feelings – but – she has an inner peace.
55. And she shared with me about her healing.
56. Sp talked about coming here once or twice a week if I wanted her to. And maybe bringing her friend once and I said sure, great. And I look forward to that.
57. Before Sp left, she reminded me of all the tools I have at my disposal now. Can I remember – let me see – She gave me things to do every morning and evening. And I have all these things: the phone, and meetings, and reading(!) and the feelings thing she lent me, and the two devotional books, and walking, and my Higher Power, and prayer just honestly from my heart. And church if I want.
58. And she talked about the importance of exercise. Even a 20 minute walk 3 x a week.
59. And get out. Do not stay alone at home depressed in own head. She says she does that and it helps.
60. And I might be able to start going to a CoDA meeting every Tuesday night as well as Thursday!
61. And I’m pretty sure if I ask, she will drive the first time.
62. And her free nights for get-togethers are Fri, Sat, and Sun, just like mine.
63. And I feel like God sent her.
64. And I told her.
65. And she accepted that. It was nice.
66. I will grow.
67. The pretty and cheerful flowers I bought for myself and am enjoying.
68. And frankly, that maybe J. noticed them.
69. And definitely, that they brought SP some pleasure, or at least I tried to see that they did.
70. The beautiful breeze from the cross air of having these windows open.
71. And Sp talked about hating holidays and how we could make our own families out of our chosen loved ones/friends. And even celebrate them with them.
72. And I pictured Christmas here.
73. And now, even a little piano recital.
74. And about doing program work a my lunchtime, which I think I’ll commit to for at least some of these lunches we have coming left : )
75. And I just changed into my nightgown because do not need to go to a meeting
76. And feel fine. Just watching sitcoms but straightened and things are in some order, and I will do laundry tomorrow. And I am off Monday, and I have plans.
77. And M said she’ll help me make plans for my summer.
78. I am grateful that I slept last night.
79. And that I don’t remember any nightmares. Maybe didn’t even have any.
80. And I woke up okay.
81. And thanked God right away, in bed.
82. And that that came naturally.
83. And that I then made the coffee as Sp said she does and I do every day anyway.
84. And then came and did the feelings magnetic board. Wow.
85. And am thrilled to see that I had more good than bad this morning. I wouldn’t necessarily have expected that!
86. And how new and renewed and sacred and okay (despite some shakies) I feel this morning. Thank you, God.
87. And I just took a deep breath.
88. And I am especially grateful for friends today. I can go to church with K. Or to meeting or 2 meetings. I can go to lunch after meeting with some. And I might have dinner with MA and her niece tonight. What blessings. I take a moment right now and add lonely people to my prayer list.
89. And In This Moment, which I read right after coffee before feelings thing, as Sp said, was about celebrating self.
90. And I was lying in bed picturing that I’d have the yard fixed asap☺
91. And that I will get a barbeque thingy and cook for myself and enjoy it.
92. And even have friends here and cook for/with them too. Vegan only of course.
93. And I was in the garage yesterday evening and it felt good to stand in my (cluttered and wet smelling and broken window) garage!
94. And that I will throw laundry in soon.
95. And get to start my oa work right now (finishing these gratitudes is part of it anyway)
96. And that the first prayer I said today, on knees, came out and it was the third step prayer.
97. And that I have hope. (repeat so will do extra)
98. That I got the sponsor I got at oa. And that I had the courage to run over that day to make it happen. And that Sp helps me so much.
99. That some people have good and happy lives. And that that is a good example for me.
100. That I am breathing well this morning.
101. That I am solemn and sacred but also fun!
1. That I just got to do stuff *on my blog. * That’s a relief. I did mention as last one on previous grats. I just posted that I was grateful Blogger was back up and running, but I’m so relieved about this, and I did just use it(!) so I think this counts: )
2. In today’s For Today: “As for the future, your task is not to foresee, but to enable it.” Antoine de Saint-Exupery
3. I do not *feel like * a compulsive overeater today. I know I am one; that’s not a problem for today, the knowing. But it’s so wonderful to not feel like one.
4. And I don’t feel like compulsively overeating (or overeating or eating badly) at all today for now. This is a wonderful feeling.
5. And I really believe that the more I eat *vegetables * for my eating, the more this and many other good things happen. Wow. These last three here – this is huge. Thank you, God.
6. What I used to do, even recently, is described exactly in today’s For Today: I incessantly planned the outcome, but I was paralyzed when it came to taking the action.” It is comforting to so see myself there. And know that I am not alone. That others have done exactly this, which I have thought of so much lately as a major shortcoming, and they have recovered from doing it! And so can I. Thank you, God.
7. And it says, “Today I am willing to do the footwork. I ask God for the courage to look for and accept my defects and the willingness to ask for their removal.” Wow. Right as I’m working Step Seven, which I began yesterday!
8. And: “That is my task as far as my future is concerned. I change myself in order to live at peace with whatever the future brings, not to decide what the future will be.
9. I think I really was just not ready last time. Because I used to read this book and think, “What’s the big deal? It doesn’t help me at all.” And now I think it is gems. Thank you, God. Thank you.
10. I believe the answer really is in the Steps. For example I awoke so badly this morning. Desperate, unhappy, lonely, sad, scared, hole in stomach…And just writing (copying) and reading and thinking about Step Seven is helping me a bit.
11. As did praying first thing help me a bit already too.
12. And the biggy: For today: “As wishful thinking and daydreaming become less frequent, I know I am recovering.” Wow.
13. In today’s IN This Moment: In This Moment, I listen for wisdom. Once it was easy and natural for me to hear my inner voice – my thoughts, feelings, and desires. When I was a little child, I knew these things intuitively and expressed them spontaneously. Then something happened to push that voice down and drown it out. It was there all along. I hear it clearly now. When I quiet the old tapes in my mind, my inner voice comes through. It rises at the invitation as if from a long sleep. I greet my inner voice with great joy and listen for wisdom.
14. When J came back from LA, and when I visited him there, and how we could not keep our hands off each other. He *did * feel that for me. And many times since.
15. In today’s Voices of Recovery: “We seek to examine our actions so we can learn from our mistakes and build on our successes.” 12 & 12 OA p. 87
16. And after it goes on to talk about Step Ten, it says: Show me the way, Higher Power. Your will be done, not mine.
17. E-mail. I am grateful for e-mail.
18. And for telephones.
19. And for cellphones.
20. And for aspirin.
21. And for new starts that are real, not just planning.
22. Sp: You’re afraid of yourself. But God takes care of you. He always has. He always will.
23. You don’t have to be afraid of being with yourself. L is not scary.
24. You have to look at that positive list - …
25. Sp saying after Step Four realized, and wrote (and cried): Mama was wrong (in saying Sp no good not capable…)
26. You have to hear every word that you say. Because there’s tremendous insight and recovery. You liveD that way which is a little crazy, but that’s what got you through. But you don’t live that way now.
27. And you have to listen... That’s what a good mirror does. So I have to hear the way I talk. ‘Cause I’m the last person to know I’ve changed.
28. "Be patient with yourself. Self-growth is tender; it's holy ground. There is no greater investment." S. Covey (I got from SpSp)
29. Colleen Patrick-Goudreau: "Just because you can't do everything, don't do nothing...do something, anything!" (I got from vb)
30. From SpSp from a singer on fb: "We don't turn to Jesus to get things, we turn to Jesus to get Jesus."
31. That I did my 10 minutes of meditation. Didn’t want to, as always, but did it.
32. And that after the first couple of minutes of dis-ease, it felt good.
33. A smile came, and I started to hear the birds again.
34. And afterward, my first deep breath in many days came. And more. And a sort of moan. Almost as big a release as sex.
35. And I shared it with my meditation friends.
36. And that now I shall shower and get to the meeting.
37. Thank you, God, for holding onto me.
38. And for giving me the courage to use your name in that meditation share, because at first I was afraid of people turning off or something.
39. CoDA Sp was here today. Sponsoring me. Lent me things too. And gave me a job to do each morning and evening.
40. We had a nice time together.
41. And I became born again.
42. And felt new. And still do.
43. Now J is here (for mother’s a/c) talking about how he needs to tell her…but at least he is looking into the toilet situation while he’s here
44. And now he’s gone and I’ve talked with M (who’d called when he was here) and the toilet only needs like a 10 dollar valve or something, which I believe he will do.
45. And the sink is draining. Yay. He did show me how, which of course I wish I had my husband here doing, but at least now I can.
46. Plus it will help me to continue becoming more independent and fully functional woman.
47. CSP (CoDA Sp) invited me to her church with her tomorrow!
48. And with her to that inspirational speaker tonight! Whether I go tomorrow (not going tonight) or not, I’m grateful that she invited me.
49. And she said reach out to friends.
50. And call her too. Don’t isolate.
51. And she gave me so much today!
52. And then she said, “What this is, is sponsorship. And someday you will be feeling better too, and you will share this with someone else.”
53. And she explained how low *she’d * been. And that helped give me hope too.
54. And she talked about how her life is now. And it’s not perfect and her bad feelings – but – she has an inner peace.
55. And she shared with me about her healing.
56. Sp talked about coming here once or twice a week if I wanted her to. And maybe bringing her friend once and I said sure, great. And I look forward to that.
57. Before Sp left, she reminded me of all the tools I have at my disposal now. Can I remember – let me see – She gave me things to do every morning and evening. And I have all these things: the phone, and meetings, and reading(!) and the feelings thing she lent me, and the two devotional books, and walking, and my Higher Power, and prayer just honestly from my heart. And church if I want.
58. And she talked about the importance of exercise. Even a 20 minute walk 3 x a week.
59. And get out. Do not stay alone at home depressed in own head. She says she does that and it helps.
60. And I might be able to start going to a CoDA meeting every Tuesday night as well as Thursday!
61. And I’m pretty sure if I ask, she will drive the first time.
62. And her free nights for get-togethers are Fri, Sat, and Sun, just like mine.
63. And I feel like God sent her.
64. And I told her.
65. And she accepted that. It was nice.
66. I will grow.
67. The pretty and cheerful flowers I bought for myself and am enjoying.
68. And frankly, that maybe J. noticed them.
69. And definitely, that they brought SP some pleasure, or at least I tried to see that they did.
70. The beautiful breeze from the cross air of having these windows open.
71. And Sp talked about hating holidays and how we could make our own families out of our chosen loved ones/friends. And even celebrate them with them.
72. And I pictured Christmas here.
73. And now, even a little piano recital.
74. And about doing program work a my lunchtime, which I think I’ll commit to for at least some of these lunches we have coming left : )
75. And I just changed into my nightgown because do not need to go to a meeting
76. And feel fine. Just watching sitcoms but straightened and things are in some order, and I will do laundry tomorrow. And I am off Monday, and I have plans.
77. And M said she’ll help me make plans for my summer.
78. I am grateful that I slept last night.
79. And that I don’t remember any nightmares. Maybe didn’t even have any.
80. And I woke up okay.
81. And thanked God right away, in bed.
82. And that that came naturally.
83. And that I then made the coffee as Sp said she does and I do every day anyway.
84. And then came and did the feelings magnetic board. Wow.
85. And am thrilled to see that I had more good than bad this morning. I wouldn’t necessarily have expected that!
86. And how new and renewed and sacred and okay (despite some shakies) I feel this morning. Thank you, God.
87. And I just took a deep breath.
88. And I am especially grateful for friends today. I can go to church with K. Or to meeting or 2 meetings. I can go to lunch after meeting with some. And I might have dinner with MA and her niece tonight. What blessings. I take a moment right now and add lonely people to my prayer list.
89. And In This Moment, which I read right after coffee before feelings thing, as Sp said, was about celebrating self.
90. And I was lying in bed picturing that I’d have the yard fixed asap☺
91. And that I will get a barbeque thingy and cook for myself and enjoy it.
92. And even have friends here and cook for/with them too. Vegan only of course.
93. And I was in the garage yesterday evening and it felt good to stand in my (cluttered and wet smelling and broken window) garage!
94. And that I will throw laundry in soon.
95. And get to start my oa work right now (finishing these gratitudes is part of it anyway)
96. And that the first prayer I said today, on knees, came out and it was the third step prayer.
97. And that I have hope. (repeat so will do extra)
98. That I got the sponsor I got at oa. And that I had the courage to run over that day to make it happen. And that Sp helps me so much.
99. That some people have good and happy lives. And that that is a good example for me.
100. That I am breathing well this morning.
101. That I am solemn and sacred but also fun!
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Happinesses, Joys, Fun, etc.
I'm looking for ways to not *just* work at work and work on self but also to have some fun.
Well, I'm a bit torn about this.
Like, of course I want fun!
But - maybe right now is like *my* "Razor's Edge" kind of time and I do need to do a lot of work on myself - and I do get to.
Anyway, that feels right.
But then, what CoDA Sp said today was great too. About how I had to take a Xanax at work Monday, and that has never happened before, and she said she has another way, a little exercise she would do when she would obsess about the someone:
Very simple
Whenever you think about that person that you’re detaching from – tell self NO and think about something healthy – that only pertains to you –
Exercise
A friend
A phone call
Literature
A walk
A cup of tea – a movie – something to break the pattern
Because as addict we do the same thing over and over again
Ch – piano – Phoebe
She also shared about the importance of being able to identify our feelings.
And so, putting all that together somehow or not or whatever, I think it would do me some good to notice my things that *feel* *good.*
So this may seem ridiculous, but
*I truly enjoyed eating that raw kale salad. It felt good, like fun even. (And healthy etc.)
*I can keep looking at the beautiful flowers I bought for my own self. And shared the pleasure with her too. I can say there is some joy in those flowers for me. And that I picked not too formal but very cheery looking ones. Lots of yellow. And pink and some purple. Just so happy-looking. And they bring me joy. I am happy to do it. And I bought ingreds. to make my own hummus the next several times instead of buying, and that will pay for the flowers:)
Well, I'm a bit torn about this.
Like, of course I want fun!
But - maybe right now is like *my* "Razor's Edge" kind of time and I do need to do a lot of work on myself - and I do get to.
Anyway, that feels right.
But then, what CoDA Sp said today was great too. About how I had to take a Xanax at work Monday, and that has never happened before, and she said she has another way, a little exercise she would do when she would obsess about the someone:
Very simple
Whenever you think about that person that you’re detaching from – tell self NO and think about something healthy – that only pertains to you –
Exercise
A friend
A phone call
Literature
A walk
A cup of tea – a movie – something to break the pattern
Because as addict we do the same thing over and over again
Ch – piano – Phoebe
She also shared about the importance of being able to identify our feelings.
And so, putting all that together somehow or not or whatever, I think it would do me some good to notice my things that *feel* *good.*
So this may seem ridiculous, but
*I truly enjoyed eating that raw kale salad. It felt good, like fun even. (And healthy etc.)
*I can keep looking at the beautiful flowers I bought for my own self. And shared the pleasure with her too. I can say there is some joy in those flowers for me. And that I picked not too formal but very cheery looking ones. Lots of yellow. And pink and some purple. Just so happy-looking. And they bring me joy. I am happy to do it. And I bought ingreds. to make my own hummus the next several times instead of buying, and that will pay for the flowers:)
Be Easier on Self
Something was done to me. It is not my fault.
Just like anyone who's been neglected, physically abused, sexually abused...
It is not the child's fault.
In some cases, like mine, it's not really the adult's *fault* either. Illness happened, and affected me badly.
I am doing all I know to do and can do for today, to recover and build a healthier and healthier life.
God help me. And thank you.
And I am so grateful that sometimes, somewhere, some people are seeing my blog and I am not all alone out in cyberspace.
Just like anyone who's been neglected, physically abused, sexually abused...
It is not the child's fault.
In some cases, like mine, it's not really the adult's *fault* either. Illness happened, and affected me badly.
I am doing all I know to do and can do for today, to recover and build a healthier and healthier life.
God help me. And thank you.
And I am so grateful that sometimes, somewhere, some people are seeing my blog and I am not all alone out in cyberspace.
Today's Daily Affirmations
God made me.
God loves me.
Many thousands of people have recovered.
I am recovering too.
J. and I are growing and getting back together.
I am well.
All is fine.
God made me.
God loves me.
Many thousands of people have recovered.
I am recovering too.
J. and I are growing and getting back together.
I am well.
All is fine.
I am capable of revamping my life.
I have started revamping my life.
I am fit and trim and attractive and do all the things a grown woman does, with little or no effort.
I am loved.
I am lovable.
I am happy.
I am capable of revamping my life.
I have started revamping my life.
I am fit and trim and attractive and do all the things a grown woman does, with little or no effort.
I am loved.
I am lovable.
I am happy.
My life is totally changed for the better in these next few months.
My life is totally changed for the better in these next few months.
God loves me.
Many thousands of people have recovered.
I am recovering too.
J. and I are growing and getting back together.
I am well.
All is fine.
God made me.
God loves me.
Many thousands of people have recovered.
I am recovering too.
J. and I are growing and getting back together.
I am well.
All is fine.
I am capable of revamping my life.
I have started revamping my life.
I am fit and trim and attractive and do all the things a grown woman does, with little or no effort.
I am loved.
I am lovable.
I am happy.
I am capable of revamping my life.
I have started revamping my life.
I am fit and trim and attractive and do all the things a grown woman does, with little or no effort.
I am loved.
I am lovable.
I am happy.
My life is totally changed for the better in these next few months.
My life is totally changed for the better in these next few months.
Yesterday's Hundred Gratitudes, Finished and Posted Today
I am grateful:
1. I don’t want to be around people with troubles who are desperately trying to improve their lives, be it in Buddhism or in OA. I want to be around upbeat people. And that is a change for me and I’m glad for it.
2. Now the way I’m changing, IS through these things.
3. So that sounds like a dilemma. But it’s not. I just do the work and then the rest of the day go on and be happy. Yeah, that’s it.
4. I am grateful to feel the need/want/desire/beginnings to stop taking everything so seriously.
5. “For today: I stop in the middle of an old answer, an old habit, an old way of thinking and ask myself, ‘Is this really the best way, or is there a better one?’”
6. I really didn’t like this and even closed this and put it down. Thinking it was stupid. But I was compelled to open it and write it because it *is * important and may well be very much where I am. In today’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I’m new at this. CoDA? What is that? What do you mean I’m codependent? I don’t like the sound o it! Who’s controlling whom? Work the program? What does that mean? For life? God, is this your plan to change my life for the better Hi, my name is _____and I’m codependent.”
7. In today’s Voices of Recovery: “Just staying abstinent – if it’s all I can do today – is reaching for recovery.” For Today p. 167
8. And “Whenever I have a craving or feel an impulse that could lea me away from my abstinent lifestyle, I gently say no to myself, like a mother leading her toddler away from danger. This mother did not raise me. OA planted the seed of this mother in my heart. Only I can take that first step away from the food and toward my Higher Power and the tools of recovery, slogging through those moments, hours, or even days of craving and negativity. I point myself away from them, toward the tools and God’s love.”
9. I have come to love garbage take-out days! Because just walking out and down and up those stairs changes my outlook/mood!
10. I have just finished step six, this morning. And felt an awash of relief too. Wow.
11. You can always make up your mind to find fun things to do. No matter how much you’re crying inside. Sp.
12. Sp’s birthday today. After all those bad health issues too: )
13. Sp said celebrate Sp’s birthday by being happy today.
14. I am breathing and am about to get ready and go to school.
15. Cl just walked in so happy.
16. I called mo. about our lunch today. She sounded good. Every good day is a good day.
17. I did write the thing to J. about the possible walk
18. Health lesson today – during which I can input some DRAs
19. And consider about the Word Analysis business
20. H’s very cheerful picture that she colored and then painted over it in art and which was given to me yesterday to give to her.
21. Will almost certainly see K this weekend
22. I am kind of comfy in my home now.
23. I can even enjoy watching some tv. With no one judging me about it.
24. That I found my key without having to/without calling, J.
25. I took my mother to lunch!
26. We went to the bank and to lunch and I am so glad.
27. We had a really nice time.
28. And I had abstinent food.
29. And she really enjoyed hers too.
30. And she even had yummy dessert for herself. Yay.
31. And I insisted and paid bill plus tip.
32. And she really really wants to pay next time.
33. And I shall let her.
34. And it will be no later than next Friday (lunch or dinner or tea – something).
35. I’m drinking more tea lately (is this a repeat?)
36. I am glad that despite the pain this situation has caused me, it has also helped me to be with my mother more. Give more to her.
37. And – that I enjoy it so much! Thank you, God.
38. Our caterpillars, the children’s excitement, and the fact that there may actually be 4, and that growth is already noticeable in one day!
39. That my mother called the police(!) on that neglective/abusive “caretaker” of C!
40. And met them outside and went up with them and confronted that woman.
41. And that she told me about it today.
42. And that that woman finally did get fired.
43. That Ma has invited me to that open aa anniversary meeting tonight
44. And that I’ve said yes
45. And that we might to eat afterward.
46. And I will stay abstinent.
47. Or, we’ll come home and I’ll eat and stay abstinent.
48. That M. called me this afternoon.
49. That I called MA
50. And she called back
51. And she’ll see if we can go at the time that’s best for me, for the meal.
52. And that otherwise I’ll mange and go earlier
53. And maybe J, Ph and I will get to walk Mon.
54. Or, if not, at least I can have Ph here.
55. mom and kitten sleep in blissful cuteness video I just saw through msn.com
56. And that I copied it to send to J and MA and D and others ???
57. That the Friends of Bill W thread talked about how to spend the me time during this weekend
58. That I shared too
59. And said I’d welcome input
60. One more hour til I get to go.
61. I just ate raw kale salad
62. And peanut butter. So now I’ve had the veggies and the protein (and fat)
63. From today’s Daily OM: In order to protect ourselves from taking on any negative energy from other people or situations; we can learn to shield.
64. And: There are a number of ways to avoid being affected by people’s energy. Shielding is one preventative technique you can use. Center yourself and envision being enveloped in a cocoon of loving and protective light. This protective layer should allow you to consciously regulate the energy around you. The intent to shield oneself is all you need for this technique to work.
65. And: You can even create a trigger word to assist you in quickly creating a shield. Say this word each time you create a new shield, until the word and the shield become automatically associated in your mind.
66. And: If you run into a person whose energy you find draining, you may want to cleanse your own energy field after your encounter. Sage, cold showers, singing, mineral water baths, spending time in nature, and a simple break to recharge are all ways to accomplish this.
67. And from another Daily OM: Being present lets us experience each moment in our lives in a way that cannot be fully lived through memory or fantasy.
68. And this: It can be easy for us to walk through the world and our lives without really being present. While dwelling on the past and living for the future are common pastimes, it is physically impossible to live anywhere but the present moment.
69. And: We cannot step out our front door and take a left turn to May of last year, any more than we can take a right turn to December 2013.
70. And: Nevertheless, we can easily miss the future we are waiting for as it becomes the now we are too busy to pay attention to. We then spend the rest of our time playing “catch up” to the moment that we just let pass by. During moments like these,
71. And this!: it is important to remember that there is only Now.
72. And this: In order to feel more at home in the present moment, it is important to try to stay aware, open, and receptive. Being in the present moment requires our full attention so that we are fully awake to experience it. When we are fully present, our minds do not wander. We are focused on what is going on right now, rather than thinking about what just happened or worrying about what is going to happen next. Being present lets us experience each moment in our lives in a way that cannot be fully lived through memory or fantasy.
73. And this: When we begin to corral our attention into the present moment, it can be almost overwhelming to be here. There is a state of stillness that has to happen that can take some getting used to, and the mind chatter that so often gets us into our heads and out of the present moment doesn’t have as much to do. We may feel a lack of control because we aren’t busy planning our next move, assessing our current situation, or anticipating the future. Instead, being present requires that we be flexible, creative, attentive, and spontaneous.
74. And this, which is beautiful: Each present moment is completely new, and nothing like it has happened or will ever happen again. As you move through your day, remember to stay present in each moment. In doing so, you will live your life without having to wait for the future or yearn for the past. Life happens to us when we happen to life in the Now.
75. I think I’m grateful that I did go to that meeting. It was *so * hard because of all the memories. But it was better than sitting here alone and afraid and lonely and depressed – and wondering that I should have gone. That even brings back some major memories from youth. I can’t quite place them but something about not going and then wishing I had. With my parents, maybe. Definitely more than once.
76. There was a lot of recovery in that room.
77. And hope for me.
78. And laughter.
79. And I’m really glad about how I ate yesterday. Scooped multi-grain bagel for breakfast. Coffee, 1. A medium DD tea. Lunch was lettuce and tomato on rye with mustard and 6 grape leaves. And then because dinner was going to be like 9:30, I had raw kale salad and a huge forkful of peanut butter. And for dinner, at the diner, I had the “vegetarian wrap” only without the flour tortilla. Instead I had two little breadsticks and one (scooped) little wh wh I think roll. And the veg platter was 2 like slabs of grilled eggplant and a large roasted pepper (the red thing) and avocado and tomatoes and lettuce (I didn’t eat the lettuce) and hummus – a little bit – maybe 2 T or less, but the best humus I ever had. And beautiful wonderful fruit. Pineapple and honeydew etc. and all sweet. I couldn’t even eat everything.I should have had more water yesterday but I’m glad I didn’t overeat. That’s two days of new abstinence now.
80. And I’m glad for Ja that she has 9 years sobriety in aa
81. And a good amount of time (I don’t remember exactly) in oa.
82. I did sleep. I don’t like the dreams but I did sleep.
83. And there were no terrorist attacks that I know of yesterday.
84. And I awoke to the birds today.
85. And maybe I *will * get to go with J and Ph for a walk on Mon
86. And MA said she was more interested in rounding me up than ML. I don’t mean this against ML, but glad she wanted me. (Although it might just be because she felt I would carry more of the conversation).
87. Those thoughts of the day Fr gives.
88. That a couple more people were on the med. thing yesterday.
89. That I *do * get to call my sp. today (unlike tomorrow because Sp doesn’t do Sundays).
90. That that guy from the Sun meeting doesn’t seem to be stalking me after all.
91. That Ja didn’t say a word to the really rude guy last night. Just got up and removed herself for a few minutes to cool off. That was good for her and I’m glad.
92. And that was a good example for me and I’m glad.
93. I’m grateful for every time I’m *not * trying to show someone up.
94. And that I’m working Step Seven. Step Seven for what it is (and every step before it). And Step Seven wow I’m there : )
95. My toenails. I don’t know why. I just love them. It’s like, their growth and strength tells me I’m alive and wick and strong. And growing even. They are like a symbol of my life to me.
96. A new day means hope.
97. They say, ‘Where there’s life there’s hope.”
98. I can look at that dignity of choice pamphlet today if I want.
99. I can even make fresh hummus today if I want. And I might. Or soon.
100. And I will call H. about the gym within days.
101. And I will start exercising regularly.
102. My blog is back up! The login is working now! They’ve fixed it! Yay!
1. I don’t want to be around people with troubles who are desperately trying to improve their lives, be it in Buddhism or in OA. I want to be around upbeat people. And that is a change for me and I’m glad for it.
2. Now the way I’m changing, IS through these things.
3. So that sounds like a dilemma. But it’s not. I just do the work and then the rest of the day go on and be happy. Yeah, that’s it.
4. I am grateful to feel the need/want/desire/beginnings to stop taking everything so seriously.
5. “For today: I stop in the middle of an old answer, an old habit, an old way of thinking and ask myself, ‘Is this really the best way, or is there a better one?’”
6. I really didn’t like this and even closed this and put it down. Thinking it was stupid. But I was compelled to open it and write it because it *is * important and may well be very much where I am. In today’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I’m new at this. CoDA? What is that? What do you mean I’m codependent? I don’t like the sound o it! Who’s controlling whom? Work the program? What does that mean? For life? God, is this your plan to change my life for the better Hi, my name is _____and I’m codependent.”
7. In today’s Voices of Recovery: “Just staying abstinent – if it’s all I can do today – is reaching for recovery.” For Today p. 167
8. And “Whenever I have a craving or feel an impulse that could lea me away from my abstinent lifestyle, I gently say no to myself, like a mother leading her toddler away from danger. This mother did not raise me. OA planted the seed of this mother in my heart. Only I can take that first step away from the food and toward my Higher Power and the tools of recovery, slogging through those moments, hours, or even days of craving and negativity. I point myself away from them, toward the tools and God’s love.”
9. I have come to love garbage take-out days! Because just walking out and down and up those stairs changes my outlook/mood!
10. I have just finished step six, this morning. And felt an awash of relief too. Wow.
11. You can always make up your mind to find fun things to do. No matter how much you’re crying inside. Sp.
12. Sp’s birthday today. After all those bad health issues too: )
13. Sp said celebrate Sp’s birthday by being happy today.
14. I am breathing and am about to get ready and go to school.
15. Cl just walked in so happy.
16. I called mo. about our lunch today. She sounded good. Every good day is a good day.
17. I did write the thing to J. about the possible walk
18. Health lesson today – during which I can input some DRAs
19. And consider about the Word Analysis business
20. H’s very cheerful picture that she colored and then painted over it in art and which was given to me yesterday to give to her.
21. Will almost certainly see K this weekend
22. I am kind of comfy in my home now.
23. I can even enjoy watching some tv. With no one judging me about it.
24. That I found my key without having to/without calling, J.
25. I took my mother to lunch!
26. We went to the bank and to lunch and I am so glad.
27. We had a really nice time.
28. And I had abstinent food.
29. And she really enjoyed hers too.
30. And she even had yummy dessert for herself. Yay.
31. And I insisted and paid bill plus tip.
32. And she really really wants to pay next time.
33. And I shall let her.
34. And it will be no later than next Friday (lunch or dinner or tea – something).
35. I’m drinking more tea lately (is this a repeat?)
36. I am glad that despite the pain this situation has caused me, it has also helped me to be with my mother more. Give more to her.
37. And – that I enjoy it so much! Thank you, God.
38. Our caterpillars, the children’s excitement, and the fact that there may actually be 4, and that growth is already noticeable in one day!
39. That my mother called the police(!) on that neglective/abusive “caretaker” of C!
40. And met them outside and went up with them and confronted that woman.
41. And that she told me about it today.
42. And that that woman finally did get fired.
43. That Ma has invited me to that open aa anniversary meeting tonight
44. And that I’ve said yes
45. And that we might to eat afterward.
46. And I will stay abstinent.
47. Or, we’ll come home and I’ll eat and stay abstinent.
48. That M. called me this afternoon.
49. That I called MA
50. And she called back
51. And she’ll see if we can go at the time that’s best for me, for the meal.
52. And that otherwise I’ll mange and go earlier
53. And maybe J, Ph and I will get to walk Mon.
54. Or, if not, at least I can have Ph here.
55. mom and kitten sleep in blissful cuteness video I just saw through msn.com
56. And that I copied it to send to J and MA and D and others ???
57. That the Friends of Bill W thread talked about how to spend the me time during this weekend
58. That I shared too
59. And said I’d welcome input
60. One more hour til I get to go.
61. I just ate raw kale salad
62. And peanut butter. So now I’ve had the veggies and the protein (and fat)
63. From today’s Daily OM: In order to protect ourselves from taking on any negative energy from other people or situations; we can learn to shield.
64. And: There are a number of ways to avoid being affected by people’s energy. Shielding is one preventative technique you can use. Center yourself and envision being enveloped in a cocoon of loving and protective light. This protective layer should allow you to consciously regulate the energy around you. The intent to shield oneself is all you need for this technique to work.
65. And: You can even create a trigger word to assist you in quickly creating a shield. Say this word each time you create a new shield, until the word and the shield become automatically associated in your mind.
66. And: If you run into a person whose energy you find draining, you may want to cleanse your own energy field after your encounter. Sage, cold showers, singing, mineral water baths, spending time in nature, and a simple break to recharge are all ways to accomplish this.
67. And from another Daily OM: Being present lets us experience each moment in our lives in a way that cannot be fully lived through memory or fantasy.
68. And this: It can be easy for us to walk through the world and our lives without really being present. While dwelling on the past and living for the future are common pastimes, it is physically impossible to live anywhere but the present moment.
69. And: We cannot step out our front door and take a left turn to May of last year, any more than we can take a right turn to December 2013.
70. And: Nevertheless, we can easily miss the future we are waiting for as it becomes the now we are too busy to pay attention to. We then spend the rest of our time playing “catch up” to the moment that we just let pass by. During moments like these,
71. And this!: it is important to remember that there is only Now.
72. And this: In order to feel more at home in the present moment, it is important to try to stay aware, open, and receptive. Being in the present moment requires our full attention so that we are fully awake to experience it. When we are fully present, our minds do not wander. We are focused on what is going on right now, rather than thinking about what just happened or worrying about what is going to happen next. Being present lets us experience each moment in our lives in a way that cannot be fully lived through memory or fantasy.
73. And this: When we begin to corral our attention into the present moment, it can be almost overwhelming to be here. There is a state of stillness that has to happen that can take some getting used to, and the mind chatter that so often gets us into our heads and out of the present moment doesn’t have as much to do. We may feel a lack of control because we aren’t busy planning our next move, assessing our current situation, or anticipating the future. Instead, being present requires that we be flexible, creative, attentive, and spontaneous.
74. And this, which is beautiful: Each present moment is completely new, and nothing like it has happened or will ever happen again. As you move through your day, remember to stay present in each moment. In doing so, you will live your life without having to wait for the future or yearn for the past. Life happens to us when we happen to life in the Now.
75. I think I’m grateful that I did go to that meeting. It was *so * hard because of all the memories. But it was better than sitting here alone and afraid and lonely and depressed – and wondering that I should have gone. That even brings back some major memories from youth. I can’t quite place them but something about not going and then wishing I had. With my parents, maybe. Definitely more than once.
76. There was a lot of recovery in that room.
77. And hope for me.
78. And laughter.
79. And I’m really glad about how I ate yesterday. Scooped multi-grain bagel for breakfast. Coffee, 1. A medium DD tea. Lunch was lettuce and tomato on rye with mustard and 6 grape leaves. And then because dinner was going to be like 9:30, I had raw kale salad and a huge forkful of peanut butter. And for dinner, at the diner, I had the “vegetarian wrap” only without the flour tortilla. Instead I had two little breadsticks and one (scooped) little wh wh I think roll. And the veg platter was 2 like slabs of grilled eggplant and a large roasted pepper (the red thing) and avocado and tomatoes and lettuce (I didn’t eat the lettuce) and hummus – a little bit – maybe 2 T or less, but the best humus I ever had. And beautiful wonderful fruit. Pineapple and honeydew etc. and all sweet. I couldn’t even eat everything.I should have had more water yesterday but I’m glad I didn’t overeat. That’s two days of new abstinence now.
80. And I’m glad for Ja that she has 9 years sobriety in aa
81. And a good amount of time (I don’t remember exactly) in oa.
82. I did sleep. I don’t like the dreams but I did sleep.
83. And there were no terrorist attacks that I know of yesterday.
84. And I awoke to the birds today.
85. And maybe I *will * get to go with J and Ph for a walk on Mon
86. And MA said she was more interested in rounding me up than ML. I don’t mean this against ML, but glad she wanted me. (Although it might just be because she felt I would carry more of the conversation).
87. Those thoughts of the day Fr gives.
88. That a couple more people were on the med. thing yesterday.
89. That I *do * get to call my sp. today (unlike tomorrow because Sp doesn’t do Sundays).
90. That that guy from the Sun meeting doesn’t seem to be stalking me after all.
91. That Ja didn’t say a word to the really rude guy last night. Just got up and removed herself for a few minutes to cool off. That was good for her and I’m glad.
92. And that was a good example for me and I’m glad.
93. I’m grateful for every time I’m *not * trying to show someone up.
94. And that I’m working Step Seven. Step Seven for what it is (and every step before it). And Step Seven wow I’m there : )
95. My toenails. I don’t know why. I just love them. It’s like, their growth and strength tells me I’m alive and wick and strong. And growing even. They are like a symbol of my life to me.
96. A new day means hope.
97. They say, ‘Where there’s life there’s hope.”
98. I can look at that dignity of choice pamphlet today if I want.
99. I can even make fresh hummus today if I want. And I might. Or soon.
100. And I will call H. about the gym within days.
101. And I will start exercising regularly.
102. My blog is back up! The login is working now! They’ve fixed it! Yay!
Affirmations 5/27 But Blogger Login Not Working
Affirmations:
I am a child of God.
I am certainly able to make phone calls to get stuff done outside here.
I am a success at my profession.
I am lovable.
J. loves me.
I exercise.
I follow my food plan.
I am revamping my life.
I am happy.
I am a child of God.
I am certainly able to make phone calls to get stuff done outside here.
I am a success at my profession.
I am lovable.
J. loves me.
I exercise.
I follow my food plan.
I am revamping my life.
I am happy.
I am a child of God.
I am certainly able to make phone calls to get stuff done outside here.
I am a success at my profession.
I am lovable.
J. loves me.
I exercise.
I follow my food plan.
I am revamping my life.
I am happy.
J. loves me.
He sees the changes.
He is in love with me.
We are happily married.
I am a child of god.
I am certainly able to make phone calls to get stuff done outside here.
I am a success at my profession.
I am lovable.
J. loves me.
I exercise.
I follow my food plan.
I am revamping my life.
I am happy.
J. loves me.
He sees the changes.
He is in love with me.
We are happily married.
Thank you, God.
I am a child of God.
I am certainly able to make phone calls to get stuff done outside here.
I am a success at my profession.
I am lovable.
J. loves me.
I exercise.
I follow my food plan.
I am revamping my life.
I am happy.
I am a child of God.
I am certainly able to make phone calls to get stuff done outside here.
I am a success at my profession.
I am lovable.
J. loves me.
I exercise.
I follow my food plan.
I am revamping my life.
I am happy.
I am a child of God.
I am certainly able to make phone calls to get stuff done outside here.
I am a success at my profession.
I am lovable.
J. loves me.
I exercise.
I follow my food plan.
I am revamping my life.
I am happy.
J. loves me.
He sees the changes.
He is in love with me.
We are happily married.
I am a child of god.
I am certainly able to make phone calls to get stuff done outside here.
I am a success at my profession.
I am lovable.
J. loves me.
I exercise.
I follow my food plan.
I am revamping my life.
I am happy.
J. loves me.
He sees the changes.
He is in love with me.
We are happily married.
Thank you, God.
Affirmations 5/26 But Blogger Login Not Working
I am good enough
I have a new life today
I am appealing
I am eating well, exercising, and improving in every way
God loves me
J loves me
J sees the changes in me and my marriage is healed.
I have a new life today
I am appealing
I am eating well, exercising, and improving in every way
God loves me
J loves me
J sees the changes in me and my marriage is healed.
100 Grats. 5/26 Finished 5/27 but Blogger Login Not Working
I am grateful:
1. That today starts my new path toward change.
2. In today’s For Today: “The lust for comfort, that stealthy thing that enters the house a guest, then becomes a host, and then a master.” Kahlil Gibran
3. And, “Comfort was m middle name, until its obsessive pursuit turned it against me. Face to face with my distorted ideas, I decided to give up the immediate comfort of overeating for the long range comfort of feeling good about myself.”
4. And I think I have to do the same thing regarding J.
5. And “I do not have to be a slave to anything: it is possible to find my security and comfort within.”
6. And “Aware of the temptation to escape into the illusive comfort of my old habits, I use everything this program gives me to stay in reality.”
7. And this one: “The rewards of allowing myself to feel all my feelings, the uncomfortable as well as the comfortable, far surpass what I once thought of as comfort.” That one’s hard to believe on some level but I do believe it and needed to hear it today (and always).
8. And this: “For today: The brief moments of comfort I got from eating unnecessary food made my life miserable. OA shows me a way to be comfortable within myself.”
9. This is important. I just now saw this in today’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I’m not alone. I have friends I can rely on who help me in my recovery. I go to CoDA meetings to overcome the ‘codependent crazies.’ I receive the strength to cope with my problems. I am of service in my meeting. I have found purpose in my life. I overcame fear when I realized I was not alone!
10. I will be calling H. *today * about guesting at her gym as soon as possible.
11. In today’s Voices of Recovery: “Abstinence is a new life, not in theory but in practice. It means following suggestions, listening to someone who knows more than I do about living abstinently.” For Today p. 203
12. And “The old me always knew the answers, always had the good ideas, never listened or followed anyone’s suggestions. “
13. “It was self-will running riot.”
14. “Now, when I read something in OA literature, hear something at a meeting, or my sponsor shares something with me, I take it to heart and search for a place to fit it into my life. I reflect on how I can make it work for me, how I can adapt it.”
15. That I am feeling those feelings of can’t-stand-the-alone-with-myself-times. Every second. That’s probably why the meditation is so difficult and I never even got to it yesterday or the day before. What I’m grateful for in it is that tit is so reminiscent of the times in high school, on pot, when I could not stand when the 8-track switched songs because there were moments of silence. How I hated and was terrified of those moments. So this tells me what I still have to work on. Better to know than not to know.
16. And it also says in toay’s Voices of Recovery: “With this disease of compulsive overeating, I cannot afford to be selective. “
17. “Whatever is presented to me is presented for a reason, and my job is to absorb it.”
18. And “My OA recovery cannot be stagnant nor can my progress be put on hold.”
19. “I cannot control this progressive disease of compulsive eating.”
20. And it says this: “Keeping myself open to other overeaters’ perspectives and to God’s will keeps me alive. Thank you, God, for the insight and experiences shared by others. “
21. And “The circle of life for me is Step work and abstinence from compulsive overeating. I apply what I hear to my daily routine, thus becoming and staying spiritually sound, emotionally secure, and physically fit.”
22. That I’ve finally started to hear the parts about physically fit.
23. Worry about not being able to sign into blog. But *finally * found some info, and they said this has been a problem since yesterday for some users and they are looking into how to solve it. Thank God.
24. Sp how doing with step six.
25. “Replace them with something better. And it happens without my knowing it.”
26. It doesn’t disappear because I work very hard. It just goes away. The hidden, or half promises bottom p. 84 (or 85). It happens automatically. Not like a lightning bolt. You work to make it go away, but you don’t have the power. And willingness.
27. God takes it away. It just happens. And it happens automatically.
28. And I was the last person to realize that defect is gone (not all but I’m still working).
29. You can ask, How come you did that? I don’t know. I tried ot will it away but I don’t have the power. But I woke up one day and said hey, I haven’t done that in a month.
30. But at that realization, there was always a thank you, God.
31. Because I’m old enough to know, I tried. I tried to hold my tongue. I got a thought, it came out of my mouth. With a double edged thought. I still get the thought the thoughts don’t change. But God put like a brace in my mouth and it doesn’t come out. I think it, but I don’t say it and when I don’t say it and I say thank you. It lessens ME to say it. Makes Me feel bad about self. Reinforces that I’m a turd. Why would I pick on somebody that is….blah blah blah whatever. I’m better than that.
32. I still think sometimes it’s brilliantly funny, and I laugh INSIDE not out loud and I say thank you God because I don’t embarrass that person and more importantly I don’t feel bad about self; I don’t embarrass self.
33. I don’t have the self-control. But God stopped me from saying it.
34. I don’t know how it happened and I don’t care to know how. That’s not important. I’m just grateful.
35. But somehow even with all the work, and really it’s embarrassing, I never felt good. And even though I thought these comments were funny, most people were embarrassed by my behavior. And it lessened me. And I never realized it. It was not a good way to behave. And it went away and I don’t do it enough. I’m ont perfect.
36. So L, trust in God but buy broccoli.
37. That the lunch with the 3 parents went well.
38. That my session with principal got put off temporarily.
39. That I slept last night anyway.
40. That I have lunch with my mother today.
41. And with MA, ML, and MA’s niece Mon or something
42. And a packet with food plans
43. As well as 21 day vegan thing on VT online.
44. That maybe they’ll fix blogger today.
45. That I did pray on knees as soon as got up.
46. Those goslings bring me pleasure every time I see them. They are bigger now, and fluffy, and pecking away.
47. 3 (or is it 4?) caterpillars came
48. D. put the food in the cup with them.
49. The kids were so excited.
50. I let them each have turn with magnifying glass, looking at them.
51. I think I’m grateful that M. says she considers me like her closeness to her mother and I forget who but that close.
52. That she has a new nanny started so soon and she’s so happy about it
53. And it should save her like 120 a week from the cleaning lady because she cleans
54. That Dr. Oz was on yesterday when Oprah normally would have been.
55. That I am changing/revamping my whole life.
56. That J. still had interest in like a fashion show when I shopped just this past September.
57. I might just win him back.
58. That I do *not * like the feeling waking up after eating late
59. Or lying down right after eating
60. Or eating too much
61. That I loved that salad yesterday
62. That I *did * run the dishwasher this morning.
63. And *will * take the garbage out.
64. And I believe they *will * take it.
65. That I did meditate a little yesterday
66. That I’m feeling a little less panicky than when I first woke up
67. Maybe I’ll start reading to the kids first thing now, like at morning meeting, dividing so I know the number of pages *must * get to each day. And we will finish the book.
68. That they’re liking it, at least most of them or colose to all.
69. That there’s still hope for my health
70. That there’s still hope for my happiness
71. That there’s still hope for my money. God help me.
72. The other OA CD I was listening to in the car yesterday.
73. And that I can listen to it today again.
74. That I did receive one reply from blogger support people. Although not helpful, it was there. And I wrote back again.
75. That I just wrote to K about a possible talk-about-program get together or small mini-meeting.
76. That I can hear the birds, thank God.
77. And it makes me more deeply thankful for my hearing.
78. As does our and my recent reading about Helen Keller, make me more deeply grateful for the combination of my hearing and seeing.
79. “If you can recognize the need for improvement, things are already improving.” (author unknown from site Inspiration peak)
80. And this, same site, Friday’s Message from the Universe: What wouldn’t you give…to live, love, and be happy…DELIRIOUSLY HAPPY…forever more? Well, that’s just it…you needn’t give anything…JUST DECIDE…to live, love, and be happy…DELIRIOUSLY HAPPY…from this moment forward. The Universe
And: Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. Look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true. Think only of the best, work only for the best,and expect only the best. Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. Give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others. Live in the faith that the whole world is on your side so long as you are true to the best that is in you!
Christian D. Larson
81. And: “This is the beginning of a new day. You have been given this day to use as you will. You can waste it or use it for good. What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it. When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever; in its place is something that you have left behind…let it be something good.” Author Unknown
82. And “And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair.” Kahlil Gibran
83. And “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” Mahatma Gandhi
84. And: “There is no such thing in anyone’s life as an unimportant day.” Alexander Woollcott
85. And this one: “People travel to wonder at the eight of the mountains, at the huge waves of the seas, at the long course of the rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motion of the stars, and yet they pass by themselves without wondering.” St. Augustine, 354 430
86. And “The pleasantest things in the world are pleasant thoughts: and the great art of life is to have as many of them as possible.” Montaigne
87. And “sometimes your joy is the source of yor smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy> Thich Nhat Hanh
88. Comfortable shoes
89. “A little boy was having difficulty lifting a heavy stone. His father came along just then. Noting the boy’s failure, he asked, ‘Are you using all your strength?’ ‘Yes, I am,’ the little boy said impatiently. ‘No, you are not,’ the father answered. ‘I am right here just waiting, and you haven’t asked me to help you.’” Author unknown
90. And “Your imagination is your preview to life’s coming attractions.” Albert Einstein
91. “It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare, it is because we do not dare that they are difficult.”
92. I am grateful that I found this site.
93. That after 9/11, J told me *I * was a real hero, for going in every day and doing the job and being there for them and facing it.
94. “…go sleep in peace. God is awake.” Victor Hugo
95. “…Right now, at this very moment, we have a mind, which is all the basic equipment we need to achieve complete happiness.”
96. “Give yourself a perfect day. Do what makes you happiest. Look upon what gives you joy. Speak to those who warm your heart. Listen to that which lifts your spirit. Surround yourself with sights and sounds and people who give you pleasure. For all the happiness you give to others all year long, give yourself a perfect day.” Author unknown
97. “Now and then it’s good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy.” Guillaume Apollinaire
98. And this, which I was just thinking of (!) from that card my parents gave me as a teen, and here it is in the quote pages: “happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you sit down quietly, may alight upon you.” Nathaniel Hawthorne
99. “Thousand of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.” Buddha
100. “Be careful what you water your dreams with. Water them with worry and fear ad you will produce weeds that choke the life from your dream. Water them with optimism and solutions and you will cultivate success. Always be on the lookout for ways to turn a problem into an opportunity for success. Always be on the lookout for ways to nurture your dream.” Lao Tzu
101. That I did get the garbage out. And in time.
1. That today starts my new path toward change.
2. In today’s For Today: “The lust for comfort, that stealthy thing that enters the house a guest, then becomes a host, and then a master.” Kahlil Gibran
3. And, “Comfort was m middle name, until its obsessive pursuit turned it against me. Face to face with my distorted ideas, I decided to give up the immediate comfort of overeating for the long range comfort of feeling good about myself.”
4. And I think I have to do the same thing regarding J.
5. And “I do not have to be a slave to anything: it is possible to find my security and comfort within.”
6. And “Aware of the temptation to escape into the illusive comfort of my old habits, I use everything this program gives me to stay in reality.”
7. And this one: “The rewards of allowing myself to feel all my feelings, the uncomfortable as well as the comfortable, far surpass what I once thought of as comfort.” That one’s hard to believe on some level but I do believe it and needed to hear it today (and always).
8. And this: “For today: The brief moments of comfort I got from eating unnecessary food made my life miserable. OA shows me a way to be comfortable within myself.”
9. This is important. I just now saw this in today’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I’m not alone. I have friends I can rely on who help me in my recovery. I go to CoDA meetings to overcome the ‘codependent crazies.’ I receive the strength to cope with my problems. I am of service in my meeting. I have found purpose in my life. I overcame fear when I realized I was not alone!
10. I will be calling H. *today * about guesting at her gym as soon as possible.
11. In today’s Voices of Recovery: “Abstinence is a new life, not in theory but in practice. It means following suggestions, listening to someone who knows more than I do about living abstinently.” For Today p. 203
12. And “The old me always knew the answers, always had the good ideas, never listened or followed anyone’s suggestions. “
13. “It was self-will running riot.”
14. “Now, when I read something in OA literature, hear something at a meeting, or my sponsor shares something with me, I take it to heart and search for a place to fit it into my life. I reflect on how I can make it work for me, how I can adapt it.”
15. That I am feeling those feelings of can’t-stand-the-alone-with-myself-times. Every second. That’s probably why the meditation is so difficult and I never even got to it yesterday or the day before. What I’m grateful for in it is that tit is so reminiscent of the times in high school, on pot, when I could not stand when the 8-track switched songs because there were moments of silence. How I hated and was terrified of those moments. So this tells me what I still have to work on. Better to know than not to know.
16. And it also says in toay’s Voices of Recovery: “With this disease of compulsive overeating, I cannot afford to be selective. “
17. “Whatever is presented to me is presented for a reason, and my job is to absorb it.”
18. And “My OA recovery cannot be stagnant nor can my progress be put on hold.”
19. “I cannot control this progressive disease of compulsive eating.”
20. And it says this: “Keeping myself open to other overeaters’ perspectives and to God’s will keeps me alive. Thank you, God, for the insight and experiences shared by others. “
21. And “The circle of life for me is Step work and abstinence from compulsive overeating. I apply what I hear to my daily routine, thus becoming and staying spiritually sound, emotionally secure, and physically fit.”
22. That I’ve finally started to hear the parts about physically fit.
23. Worry about not being able to sign into blog. But *finally * found some info, and they said this has been a problem since yesterday for some users and they are looking into how to solve it. Thank God.
24. Sp how doing with step six.
25. “Replace them with something better. And it happens without my knowing it.”
26. It doesn’t disappear because I work very hard. It just goes away. The hidden, or half promises bottom p. 84 (or 85). It happens automatically. Not like a lightning bolt. You work to make it go away, but you don’t have the power. And willingness.
27. God takes it away. It just happens. And it happens automatically.
28. And I was the last person to realize that defect is gone (not all but I’m still working).
29. You can ask, How come you did that? I don’t know. I tried ot will it away but I don’t have the power. But I woke up one day and said hey, I haven’t done that in a month.
30. But at that realization, there was always a thank you, God.
31. Because I’m old enough to know, I tried. I tried to hold my tongue. I got a thought, it came out of my mouth. With a double edged thought. I still get the thought the thoughts don’t change. But God put like a brace in my mouth and it doesn’t come out. I think it, but I don’t say it and when I don’t say it and I say thank you. It lessens ME to say it. Makes Me feel bad about self. Reinforces that I’m a turd. Why would I pick on somebody that is….blah blah blah whatever. I’m better than that.
32. I still think sometimes it’s brilliantly funny, and I laugh INSIDE not out loud and I say thank you God because I don’t embarrass that person and more importantly I don’t feel bad about self; I don’t embarrass self.
33. I don’t have the self-control. But God stopped me from saying it.
34. I don’t know how it happened and I don’t care to know how. That’s not important. I’m just grateful.
35. But somehow even with all the work, and really it’s embarrassing, I never felt good. And even though I thought these comments were funny, most people were embarrassed by my behavior. And it lessened me. And I never realized it. It was not a good way to behave. And it went away and I don’t do it enough. I’m ont perfect.
36. So L, trust in God but buy broccoli.
37. That the lunch with the 3 parents went well.
38. That my session with principal got put off temporarily.
39. That I slept last night anyway.
40. That I have lunch with my mother today.
41. And with MA, ML, and MA’s niece Mon or something
42. And a packet with food plans
43. As well as 21 day vegan thing on VT online.
44. That maybe they’ll fix blogger today.
45. That I did pray on knees as soon as got up.
46. Those goslings bring me pleasure every time I see them. They are bigger now, and fluffy, and pecking away.
47. 3 (or is it 4?) caterpillars came
48. D. put the food in the cup with them.
49. The kids were so excited.
50. I let them each have turn with magnifying glass, looking at them.
51. I think I’m grateful that M. says she considers me like her closeness to her mother and I forget who but that close.
52. That she has a new nanny started so soon and she’s so happy about it
53. And it should save her like 120 a week from the cleaning lady because she cleans
54. That Dr. Oz was on yesterday when Oprah normally would have been.
55. That I am changing/revamping my whole life.
56. That J. still had interest in like a fashion show when I shopped just this past September.
57. I might just win him back.
58. That I do *not * like the feeling waking up after eating late
59. Or lying down right after eating
60. Or eating too much
61. That I loved that salad yesterday
62. That I *did * run the dishwasher this morning.
63. And *will * take the garbage out.
64. And I believe they *will * take it.
65. That I did meditate a little yesterday
66. That I’m feeling a little less panicky than when I first woke up
67. Maybe I’ll start reading to the kids first thing now, like at morning meeting, dividing so I know the number of pages *must * get to each day. And we will finish the book.
68. That they’re liking it, at least most of them or colose to all.
69. That there’s still hope for my health
70. That there’s still hope for my happiness
71. That there’s still hope for my money. God help me.
72. The other OA CD I was listening to in the car yesterday.
73. And that I can listen to it today again.
74. That I did receive one reply from blogger support people. Although not helpful, it was there. And I wrote back again.
75. That I just wrote to K about a possible talk-about-program get together or small mini-meeting.
76. That I can hear the birds, thank God.
77. And it makes me more deeply thankful for my hearing.
78. As does our and my recent reading about Helen Keller, make me more deeply grateful for the combination of my hearing and seeing.
79. “If you can recognize the need for improvement, things are already improving.” (author unknown from site Inspiration peak)
80. And this, same site, Friday’s Message from the Universe: What wouldn’t you give…to live, love, and be happy…DELIRIOUSLY HAPPY…forever more? Well, that’s just it…you needn’t give anything…JUST DECIDE…to live, love, and be happy…DELIRIOUSLY HAPPY…from this moment forward. The Universe
And: Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. Look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true. Think only of the best, work only for the best,and expect only the best. Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. Give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others. Live in the faith that the whole world is on your side so long as you are true to the best that is in you!
Christian D. Larson
81. And: “This is the beginning of a new day. You have been given this day to use as you will. You can waste it or use it for good. What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it. When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever; in its place is something that you have left behind…let it be something good.” Author Unknown
82. And “And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair.” Kahlil Gibran
83. And “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” Mahatma Gandhi
84. And: “There is no such thing in anyone’s life as an unimportant day.” Alexander Woollcott
85. And this one: “People travel to wonder at the eight of the mountains, at the huge waves of the seas, at the long course of the rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motion of the stars, and yet they pass by themselves without wondering.” St. Augustine, 354 430
86. And “The pleasantest things in the world are pleasant thoughts: and the great art of life is to have as many of them as possible.” Montaigne
87. And “sometimes your joy is the source of yor smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy> Thich Nhat Hanh
88. Comfortable shoes
89. “A little boy was having difficulty lifting a heavy stone. His father came along just then. Noting the boy’s failure, he asked, ‘Are you using all your strength?’ ‘Yes, I am,’ the little boy said impatiently. ‘No, you are not,’ the father answered. ‘I am right here just waiting, and you haven’t asked me to help you.’” Author unknown
90. And “Your imagination is your preview to life’s coming attractions.” Albert Einstein
91. “It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare, it is because we do not dare that they are difficult.”
92. I am grateful that I found this site.
93. That after 9/11, J told me *I * was a real hero, for going in every day and doing the job and being there for them and facing it.
94. “…go sleep in peace. God is awake.” Victor Hugo
95. “…Right now, at this very moment, we have a mind, which is all the basic equipment we need to achieve complete happiness.”
96. “Give yourself a perfect day. Do what makes you happiest. Look upon what gives you joy. Speak to those who warm your heart. Listen to that which lifts your spirit. Surround yourself with sights and sounds and people who give you pleasure. For all the happiness you give to others all year long, give yourself a perfect day.” Author unknown
97. “Now and then it’s good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy.” Guillaume Apollinaire
98. And this, which I was just thinking of (!) from that card my parents gave me as a teen, and here it is in the quote pages: “happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you sit down quietly, may alight upon you.” Nathaniel Hawthorne
99. “Thousand of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.” Buddha
100. “Be careful what you water your dreams with. Water them with worry and fear ad you will produce weeds that choke the life from your dream. Water them with optimism and solutions and you will cultivate success. Always be on the lookout for ways to turn a problem into an opportunity for success. Always be on the lookout for ways to nurture your dream.” Lao Tzu
101. That I did get the garbage out. And in time.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Yesterday's 100 Gratitudes, Finished and Posted Today
I am grateful:
1. I finished administering the DRA’s today.
2. Principal let me leave early today because of the family situation.
3. P. did dismiss for me.
4. That someone shared that she sent out love when saw confederate flag and flag was down and people had moved. Now I don’t know if they’ve changed or will ever change their ideas, but maybe. And I’m glad she shared that thought.
5. We laughed so much at lunch today.
6. Sp said today that I’m “ahead of the game.”
7. And shared about own journal. And that NOT perfectly there yet. But happy in life and has serenity and trying out and learning new ways to live life all the time.
8. I did not have an accident on the way home.
9. Was able to fill my car yesterday, even despite the gas prices.
10. That I can get to the meeting tonight.
11. And that it is so close.
12. That my dr. is coming today.
13. That I learn things from some of the intervention shows.
14. EJs e-mail to me.
15. The things I’ve recently been putting into my digital recorder.
16. My Times God Has Helped Me document (in progress).
17. My Assets document (in progress).
18. Hope. (Repeat, so will add extra).
19. That principal asked, and sincerely, if I was okay. I appreciate.
20. That I have had veggies at lunch and at dinner today.
21. That a new person commented on my blog! Thanking me for sharing and saying she is reading it!
22. And I then e-mailed her.
23. And she e-mailed back.
24. And I supported her too!
25. I will ask her if she’d like me to add her to my prayer list.
26. The Hazeldon books I’ve been looking up.
27. That I realize I am addicted to J. To the relationship. To the potential. To the fantasy. To the idea of it all.
28. And I need help.
29. And will go to CoDA this week. And work that program.
30. I am grateful that it is available.
31. And that I brought my big yellow bag with helpful tings in it to school today.
32. And that although I took one xanax Monday, I did not need anything yesterday or today. Thought could use, but didn’t need and didn’t take.
33. That I *am * growing.
34. That I *am * in touch with my Higher Power.
35. Lessons I’ve learned from Oprah.
36. Lessons I’ve tried to learn from Oprah.
37. Any speckle of confidence I can have.
38. The oak tree is gorgeous right now. Right now in time and right now this very moment with the breeze blowing its lush leaves.
39. Princess Diana.
40. Mother Teresa
41. Gandhi
42. Seeing eye dogs
43. Every vegetarian
44. Every vegan
45. Maya Angelou
46. Jesus
47. Buddha
48. The Dali Llama
49. “…you have to make a living. I understand that. But you also have to know what sparks the light in you so that you in your own way can illuminate the world.” Oprah today
50. Sister Agnes telling me how special that one sub was “so special.” She said, “She’s had cancer!” And I learned/tried ot learn from that sub.
51. And Oprah said something like this:Mine is in a studio – your stage is wherever you are – with whatever is your own reach. That is your platform, stage, circle of influence, talk show, and that is where your power lies. And every day you are showing others through your actions…
52. “You have the power to change somebody’s life. The power is the same. Everybody has a calling.”
53. And here are more things she said here and below: It may be your skill at listening, your talent for nurturing or mothering. …does not have to be fame…Confused fame vs service in this country.
54. Don’t waste any more time. Start embracing your life that is calling you. And use your life (light?) to serve the world.
55. Dear Oprah I didn’t know I had a light in me til you told me it was there.
56. Making bad choices and then blaming others for their life – so bad – destructive
57. Nobody but you is responsible for your life.
58. And what is your life? All life? Every flower, rock, tree, human being? Energy. And you’re resp. for the en. That you create for yourself and that you bring to others.
59. Pleaes take responsibility for the energy you bring into this space (sign in O’s office)
60. I am grateful for every time even the slightest wave of relief washes over me. And that my psychiatrist – my psychiatrist(!) is inside working on trying to fix my toilet.
61. Finishing this morning now: I had a good session
62. I got some good ideas about changing everything about me *while * staying true to myself.
63. That starts today.
64. I might even tell J.
65. And the main thing is work on myself.
66. And I start one of the food plans from the OA starter pack TODAY.
67. So I didn’t measure my soy milk in the coffee – that’s okay – I will guesstimate that and that’s won’t be a problem anyway.
68. And it *definitely * won’t be an excuse!
69. I heard form MA last night. At first I was kind of annoyed because I was sleeping, but I *do * remember her message after all, and it means a lunch this coming weekend with her, ML and MA”s niece yay.
70. And I heard from M. last night too. And I was also a little annoyed that she seemed to just want to get me to take that 5 month old baby. But 1) she knew I always had an interest in that sort of thing and 2) she feels for that baby
71. And I knew enough, though so tempted, not to. 1) I have never raised a baby and wouldn’t even know what to do 2) the authorities might not want me because of that 3) I don’t *really * have the money 4) I have to work on myself. I *think * that would not be better while helping a baby *right now. * 5) I am a desperate sleep needer! And yes, 6) What about J?
72. It did remind me though, of something I have always thought of – helping foster children or something like that – and that *might * be something for my future.
73. I am not all alone. I have people who read my blog. I have God. I have Sp. I have dr. I have friends. I have students and their parents.
74. I have interests.
75. I have capabilities.
76. Dr. says that thing that others respond to, is about me giving *something of myself. * That there’s something of myself that’s, like, extraordinary. I forget his work but he kept stressing that.
77. Oprah’s last person she mentioned, thanked, was a teacher: her fourth grade teacher. Who was there.
78. After today I’ll be finished with that lunch and that meeting with principal. (Just like I kept telling the kid who didn’t want to finish his test the day before yesterday, that after he finished, he wouldn’t have to do this again for almost half a year so to get it over with instead of continuing to extend it more and more time, another day…
79. There is hope that I can be empowered. From God. From program. From Oprah’s message. From within.
80. I have those little DVD’s for today.
81. They want-to-learn-everything kids will enjoy them.
82. The want-to-relax kids will enjoy them.
83. And they’ll only take a total of a little more than 30 minutes.
84. There is an assembly this morning, thank God. A break.
85. That I thought to look up inspiration yesterday. My dr. got here so I didn’t go further, but at least I thought to do it.
86. My job in the F. fiasco is over. Except for being nice to him and continuing to help and teach him of course (God help me to).
87. I have resources to help me. Books etc.
88. I truly don’t know, none of us do, what the future will bring.
89. I go back to my meditation today.
90. I will be on time for my meeting.
91. I can also look up the 21 day vegan kickstart (as well as the OA food plans). As long as I’m not on “my own” for today.
92. This is the third day in a row that I have awakened and heard the birds singing/talking… beautifully from my bed.
93. I am learning some lessons from The Secret Garden again, this time around.
94. I did figure out the alarm clock problem. It was that I had it set for 5 PM not AM : ) No problem there now.
95. My mother’s phone seems to be working fine now, I think. I don’t know why she thought she heard a busy signal yesterday when I heard it ring twice here, but at least we can hear her when she speaks.
96. Anger and actions that follow it get me nowhere. I think they get my shrink nowhere too. So I maybe should be careful of that and of following that kind of advice.
97. I know this is a repeat from way back, but it is so important to me yesterday and today that I can see. Imagine how very much worse my life would be if I were blind. So at an even deepen level, I am so grateful for my eyesight and the gift of it.
98. Computer cases.
99. Shoulder straps.
100. That I should/will get a new white cordy thing for my desktop at work today.
101. More Jo help yesterday. With what to do when that box asking for information comes up when trying to e-mail.
1. I finished administering the DRA’s today.
2. Principal let me leave early today because of the family situation.
3. P. did dismiss for me.
4. That someone shared that she sent out love when saw confederate flag and flag was down and people had moved. Now I don’t know if they’ve changed or will ever change their ideas, but maybe. And I’m glad she shared that thought.
5. We laughed so much at lunch today.
6. Sp said today that I’m “ahead of the game.”
7. And shared about own journal. And that NOT perfectly there yet. But happy in life and has serenity and trying out and learning new ways to live life all the time.
8. I did not have an accident on the way home.
9. Was able to fill my car yesterday, even despite the gas prices.
10. That I can get to the meeting tonight.
11. And that it is so close.
12. That my dr. is coming today.
13. That I learn things from some of the intervention shows.
14. EJs e-mail to me.
15. The things I’ve recently been putting into my digital recorder.
16. My Times God Has Helped Me document (in progress).
17. My Assets document (in progress).
18. Hope. (Repeat, so will add extra).
19. That principal asked, and sincerely, if I was okay. I appreciate.
20. That I have had veggies at lunch and at dinner today.
21. That a new person commented on my blog! Thanking me for sharing and saying she is reading it!
22. And I then e-mailed her.
23. And she e-mailed back.
24. And I supported her too!
25. I will ask her if she’d like me to add her to my prayer list.
26. The Hazeldon books I’ve been looking up.
27. That I realize I am addicted to J. To the relationship. To the potential. To the fantasy. To the idea of it all.
28. And I need help.
29. And will go to CoDA this week. And work that program.
30. I am grateful that it is available.
31. And that I brought my big yellow bag with helpful tings in it to school today.
32. And that although I took one xanax Monday, I did not need anything yesterday or today. Thought could use, but didn’t need and didn’t take.
33. That I *am * growing.
34. That I *am * in touch with my Higher Power.
35. Lessons I’ve learned from Oprah.
36. Lessons I’ve tried to learn from Oprah.
37. Any speckle of confidence I can have.
38. The oak tree is gorgeous right now. Right now in time and right now this very moment with the breeze blowing its lush leaves.
39. Princess Diana.
40. Mother Teresa
41. Gandhi
42. Seeing eye dogs
43. Every vegetarian
44. Every vegan
45. Maya Angelou
46. Jesus
47. Buddha
48. The Dali Llama
49. “…you have to make a living. I understand that. But you also have to know what sparks the light in you so that you in your own way can illuminate the world.” Oprah today
50. Sister Agnes telling me how special that one sub was “so special.” She said, “She’s had cancer!” And I learned/tried ot learn from that sub.
51. And Oprah said something like this:Mine is in a studio – your stage is wherever you are – with whatever is your own reach. That is your platform, stage, circle of influence, talk show, and that is where your power lies. And every day you are showing others through your actions…
52. “You have the power to change somebody’s life. The power is the same. Everybody has a calling.”
53. And here are more things she said here and below: It may be your skill at listening, your talent for nurturing or mothering. …does not have to be fame…Confused fame vs service in this country.
54. Don’t waste any more time. Start embracing your life that is calling you. And use your life (light?) to serve the world.
55. Dear Oprah I didn’t know I had a light in me til you told me it was there.
56. Making bad choices and then blaming others for their life – so bad – destructive
57. Nobody but you is responsible for your life.
58. And what is your life? All life? Every flower, rock, tree, human being? Energy. And you’re resp. for the en. That you create for yourself and that you bring to others.
59. Pleaes take responsibility for the energy you bring into this space (sign in O’s office)
60. I am grateful for every time even the slightest wave of relief washes over me. And that my psychiatrist – my psychiatrist(!) is inside working on trying to fix my toilet.
61. Finishing this morning now: I had a good session
62. I got some good ideas about changing everything about me *while * staying true to myself.
63. That starts today.
64. I might even tell J.
65. And the main thing is work on myself.
66. And I start one of the food plans from the OA starter pack TODAY.
67. So I didn’t measure my soy milk in the coffee – that’s okay – I will guesstimate that and that’s won’t be a problem anyway.
68. And it *definitely * won’t be an excuse!
69. I heard form MA last night. At first I was kind of annoyed because I was sleeping, but I *do * remember her message after all, and it means a lunch this coming weekend with her, ML and MA”s niece yay.
70. And I heard from M. last night too. And I was also a little annoyed that she seemed to just want to get me to take that 5 month old baby. But 1) she knew I always had an interest in that sort of thing and 2) she feels for that baby
71. And I knew enough, though so tempted, not to. 1) I have never raised a baby and wouldn’t even know what to do 2) the authorities might not want me because of that 3) I don’t *really * have the money 4) I have to work on myself. I *think * that would not be better while helping a baby *right now. * 5) I am a desperate sleep needer! And yes, 6) What about J?
72. It did remind me though, of something I have always thought of – helping foster children or something like that – and that *might * be something for my future.
73. I am not all alone. I have people who read my blog. I have God. I have Sp. I have dr. I have friends. I have students and their parents.
74. I have interests.
75. I have capabilities.
76. Dr. says that thing that others respond to, is about me giving *something of myself. * That there’s something of myself that’s, like, extraordinary. I forget his work but he kept stressing that.
77. Oprah’s last person she mentioned, thanked, was a teacher: her fourth grade teacher. Who was there.
78. After today I’ll be finished with that lunch and that meeting with principal. (Just like I kept telling the kid who didn’t want to finish his test the day before yesterday, that after he finished, he wouldn’t have to do this again for almost half a year so to get it over with instead of continuing to extend it more and more time, another day…
79. There is hope that I can be empowered. From God. From program. From Oprah’s message. From within.
80. I have those little DVD’s for today.
81. They want-to-learn-everything kids will enjoy them.
82. The want-to-relax kids will enjoy them.
83. And they’ll only take a total of a little more than 30 minutes.
84. There is an assembly this morning, thank God. A break.
85. That I thought to look up inspiration yesterday. My dr. got here so I didn’t go further, but at least I thought to do it.
86. My job in the F. fiasco is over. Except for being nice to him and continuing to help and teach him of course (God help me to).
87. I have resources to help me. Books etc.
88. I truly don’t know, none of us do, what the future will bring.
89. I go back to my meditation today.
90. I will be on time for my meeting.
91. I can also look up the 21 day vegan kickstart (as well as the OA food plans). As long as I’m not on “my own” for today.
92. This is the third day in a row that I have awakened and heard the birds singing/talking… beautifully from my bed.
93. I am learning some lessons from The Secret Garden again, this time around.
94. I did figure out the alarm clock problem. It was that I had it set for 5 PM not AM : ) No problem there now.
95. My mother’s phone seems to be working fine now, I think. I don’t know why she thought she heard a busy signal yesterday when I heard it ring twice here, but at least we can hear her when she speaks.
96. Anger and actions that follow it get me nowhere. I think they get my shrink nowhere too. So I maybe should be careful of that and of following that kind of advice.
97. I know this is a repeat from way back, but it is so important to me yesterday and today that I can see. Imagine how very much worse my life would be if I were blind. So at an even deepen level, I am so grateful for my eyesight and the gift of it.
98. Computer cases.
99. Shoulder straps.
100. That I should/will get a new white cordy thing for my desktop at work today.
101. More Jo help yesterday. With what to do when that box asking for information comes up when trying to e-mail.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Daily 100 Gratitudes Today
I am grateful:
1. “Oh wow. That’s good.” That’s what I said aloud when getting to the bottom of the body of today’s reading in For Today. It is good, and it is so timely for me working Step Six right now too.
2. It says, “Today I have a way to deal constructively with my [it says anger but it could be anything, I think]: I have steps that lead me to freedom and a higher Power to restore me to sanity.”
3. And, “Am I entirely ready to have God remove my anger?
4. And, “For today: Taking responsibility for my anger by admitting it is the first step toward a return to sanity and balance.”
5. I started this page reading the quote at the top and thinking of how it applies to J. (Which shows only further how I need the program). And ended it applying it to myself, thank God.
6. Today’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I let go of the outcome.”
7. And “I’ve identified a need for companionship and decided to reach out to get that need met.”
8. And “I can identify my need and take action.”
9. And “I can’t make it happen.”
10. That I’m a little calmer now and less frantic than when I woke up. Thank you, God.
11. That I am getting more of my work done than I’d anticipated I’d have time for.
12. And it says this, “I can initiate and ask to get my needs met. The outcome is up to God.”
13. And, “Step One: I admit a need. Step Tow: I accept that the fulfillment of that need is up to God. Step Three: I turn it over to God and let go of the outcome.”
14. And the very important today’s Voices of Recovery (which I do keep hearing about at meetings so maybe should go to more): “In Step Three we learned faith as we made the most important decision we had every made, the decision to trust God – as we understood God – with our will and our lives.” 12 & 12 OA p. 104
15. And it goes on to say, “For many years, Step Three to me was nothing more than a decision to be willing. The principle of faith was the key I had been missing.” Wow. Big.
16. And this, which I needed so much to hear this morning, and I love: “This reminds me of the parable, ‘If only I have faith the size of a mustard seed – miracles can happen.’”
17. I think right now the most important thing is faith and am grateful for whatever the amount of it I have. (Will run this by/check this with Sp).
18. And that means I am finding things to love which are not J.
19. And that my class voted “FOR” The Secret Garden. Which I think they need and will be good for them. AND is so good for me to be reading right now.
20. And it goes on to say, “When I applied the God power I found in Step Two to the decision I made in Step Three, I found the willingness to carry on with the rest of the Twelve Steps and to remain abstinent from compulsive eating. “
21. And, “It was then I allowed the miracles to begin.”
22. I am actually grateful for this aspect of my fear and even panic: it makes me able to relate to and support others when they are in fear/panic, even though it may be a totally different cause. (And God – could you let me let it go now please partly lol).
23. Next morning, to finish them. I got to show that film and that was good for them and for me.
24. We had a really good morning. I worked hard, they seemed happy, and even Tr said what a great morning it went by so quickly.
25. Maybe I’m grateful that K. wasn’t in on M., because I’m not ready to talk about it?
26. I cleaned out my pocket book. And that felt good.
27. I took my break at prep time and read through my VT magazine.
28. Although lunch started out as just me and D : ( another joined and then others, and we wound up laughing a lot.
29. D and Gl both seemed at least to understand what I was saying about my mixed feelings about reading fiction right now.
30. That I saw on the site last night that that one meeting I’ve been thinking about is known as an AA 12 & 12 meeting, which is good.
31. That I’ve been hearing that abstinence is the last to go. It’s when the habits and footwork start dwindling that the trouble is there and coming. L – don’t stop the footwork!
32. Although I ate too much last night : ( I did have plenty of nutrients yesterday, fruit, veggies, calcium, protein.
33. That I woke up on time enough, even though the alarm clock seems to be broken.
34. Started the money teaching yesterday.
35. Good part in Secret Garden yesterday. I’m glad.
36. Ma called. I’d been thinking maybe she doesn’t like me anymore. But she actually called to apologize because she was PMSing and moody and “not good company” Mon. night.
37. I watched Dr. Phil and felt like it. And will probably again today.
38. But then, I want to go to that meeting, so we’ll see.
39. I did sleep last night. I don’t like these dreams but I did sleep.
40. Got two OA phone calls. Shei from Sun day before yesterday, and She last night. (Must return them).
41. Saw Sh Mon. I love her.
42. M. got a great new nanny.
43. And is seeming to be stronger about working things out with this one.
44. I gave over an hour to my mother’s phone problem. And – may have gotten it resolved too, I think.
45. Seeing the geese and goslings pecking at the grass.
46. I just smiled.
47. There is still hope. I may have to forego temporary comforts in favor of long-term solution, but there is hope. I wish I knew what to do. Will have to pray more. Oh, and already am.
48. For today for like 2 months of todays, I don’t turn to junk eating.
49. Dr. comes today.
50. I may write and e-mail to my friends, MA and ask her to inform ML also, S, St, M, O, maybe even Ma, maybe even K, maybe even Mar? asking for what I need.
51. They say the answer is in the steps. I *am * doing the steps.
52. In today’s For Today, “To me every hour of the light and dark is a miracle. Every cubic inch of space is a miracle. “ Walt Whitman
53. Jo came and worked out the using-the-desktop-with-the-SmartBoard-problem yesterday. That was so nice.
54. I thanked her *again. *
55. And today’s for Today also says, “There are many miracles in Overeaters Anonymous.”
56. It says, “It is a miracle that I am abstinent today, that I have the courage and faith to turn over the running of my life to God.”
57. And, “It is a miracle that others who suffer from my illness have provided a place for me to go where I am accepted just as I am.”
58. And, “And it is a miracle to have a path to follow that restores me to sanity.”
59. And, “The central miracle of my life is that I have been restored to sanity and usefulness.”
60. This one scares me (and that is telling) but it says in today’s In This Moment, “The feelings of others are not in my control and no one else can control mine. I am free to feel and express my feelings. I enjoy this freedom.”
61. It says in today’s Voices of Recovery, “This program is not a once-in-a-while thing. It is an everyday commitment.
62. “And The abstinence is for the fat downstairs and the Twelve Steps are for the fat upstairs – in the head.” OA 1st edition p. 150
63. And “Recovery is a one-0day-at-a-time procedure that requires time for clearing away the debris of the past.”
64. And, “I can do this best by adding more meditation, more meetings, and more service, rather than by taking time off.”
65. L – I don’t know why more meetings. But I know it does help. And I’m glad it does.
66. That I was never picked for that jury duty. Boy am I glad about that. And as this might be a repeat, I’ll put the next one right in here too. That I don’t watch crime shows anymore.
67. From my book from Sponsor: “2 In God’s Hands When we look back, we realize that the things which came to us when we put ourselves in God’s hands were better than anything we could have planned.”
68. And, “My depression deepened unbearably, and finally it seemed to me as though I were at the very bottom of the pit.” Yes. That’s me.
69. And then it says, “for the moment, the last vestige of my proud obstinacy was crushed. All at once I found myself crying out, ‘If there is a God, let Him show Himself! I am ready to do anything, anything!’” Yes. That’s me.
70. And then it says, “Suddenly the room lit up with a great white light. I t seemed ot me, in the mind’s eye, that I was on a mountain and that a wind not of air but of spirit was blowing. And then it burst upon me that I was a free man. Slowly the ecstasy subsided. I lay on the bed, but now for a time I was in another world, a new world of consciousness. All aobut me and through me there was a wonderful feeling of Presence, and I thought to myself, ’So this is the God of the preachers!’” Wow. What a promise, or potential kind of a thing.
71. Now I have never had that kind of thing, but I have had relief when I pray lately, and have prayed more and more. And even had a little this morning when prayed.
72. And in book from Sp p. 3 it says, “Someone once remarked that pain is the touchstone of spiritual progress. How heartily we A.A.’s can agree with him, for we know that the pains of alcoholism had to come before sobriety, and emotional turmoil before serenity.”
73. And, “Believe more deeply. hold your face up to the Light, even though for the moment you do not see.”
74. And on p. 4 it says, “As active alcoholics, we lost our ability to choose whether we would drink. We were the victims of a compulsion which seemed to decree that we must go on with our own destruction.”
75. And then it says, “yet we finally did make choices that brought about our recovery. We came to believe that alone we were powerless over alcohol. This was surely a choice, and a most difficult one. We came to believe that a higher Power could restore us to sanity when we became willing to practice A.A.’s Twelve Steps.”
76. “In short, we chose to ‘become willing,’ and no better choice did we ever make.’”
77. P. 5 “It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worthwhile.”
78. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of harboring resentment is infinitely grave.”
79. “For then we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.”
80. “If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the sudden rage were not for us. Anger is the dubious luxury of normal men, but for us alcoholics it is poison.”
81. And my Sp wrote, “1/94 I can feel it, but not express it.” I don’t know. But I’m grateful for these thoughts.
82. P. 6 “Acceptance and faith are capable of producing 100 per cent sobriety.
83. “In fact, they usually do,
84. and they must, else we could have no life at all.
85. “But the moment we carry these attitudes into our emotional problems, w find that only relative results are possible. Nobody can, for example, become completely free from fear, anger, and pride. Hence, in this life we shall attain nothing like perfect humility and love. So we shall have to settle, respecting most of our problems, for a very gradual progress, punctuated sometimes by heavy setbacks. Our oldtime attitude of ‘all or nothing’ will have to be abandoned.” Ow. But Sp wrote, “Yes! &Wow!”
86. That I listened to OA CD in car yesterday both ways, and will today too.
87. P. 7 “We have found that God does not make too hard terms with those who seek Him. To us, the realm of spirit is broad, roomy, all inclusive, never exclusive or forbidding to those who earnestly seek. It is open, we believe, to all men.”
88. Although late, I did get the paper recycling out.
89. And I was wearing clicky shoes and felt feminine doing it.
90. And minutes later, like 3 (!), they just took it. I watched them. They didn’t even look at it. So hum hum. Yay I love that.
91. I did do some more step 6 work just now. It’s hard. I’m grateful that I did it again today.
92. In this moment, I am okay.
93. Jo’s e-mail.
94. Today’s Daily Om thing: When we reach out with love to people, we will receive love back. Love is a powerful gift that opens up hearts and melts resistance.
95. It also comes back to us in spades because that's the way love works.
96. Love is a great neutralizer and magnifier and deflector and reflector. Others, caught by the arrows of our love, open up and flow that love right back to us.
97. Connect with the people you love today and receive the love that comes back to you;
98. bask in the experience of emanating love and being loved.
99. Sp’s talking about the convention CDs getting him on knees (had to find out if Jews can: )
100. Upcoming convention. And don’t even have to pay for hotel.
1. “Oh wow. That’s good.” That’s what I said aloud when getting to the bottom of the body of today’s reading in For Today. It is good, and it is so timely for me working Step Six right now too.
2. It says, “Today I have a way to deal constructively with my [it says anger but it could be anything, I think]: I have steps that lead me to freedom and a higher Power to restore me to sanity.”
3. And, “Am I entirely ready to have God remove my anger?
4. And, “For today: Taking responsibility for my anger by admitting it is the first step toward a return to sanity and balance.”
5. I started this page reading the quote at the top and thinking of how it applies to J. (Which shows only further how I need the program). And ended it applying it to myself, thank God.
6. Today’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I let go of the outcome.”
7. And “I’ve identified a need for companionship and decided to reach out to get that need met.”
8. And “I can identify my need and take action.”
9. And “I can’t make it happen.”
10. That I’m a little calmer now and less frantic than when I woke up. Thank you, God.
11. That I am getting more of my work done than I’d anticipated I’d have time for.
12. And it says this, “I can initiate and ask to get my needs met. The outcome is up to God.”
13. And, “Step One: I admit a need. Step Tow: I accept that the fulfillment of that need is up to God. Step Three: I turn it over to God and let go of the outcome.”
14. And the very important today’s Voices of Recovery (which I do keep hearing about at meetings so maybe should go to more): “In Step Three we learned faith as we made the most important decision we had every made, the decision to trust God – as we understood God – with our will and our lives.” 12 & 12 OA p. 104
15. And it goes on to say, “For many years, Step Three to me was nothing more than a decision to be willing. The principle of faith was the key I had been missing.” Wow. Big.
16. And this, which I needed so much to hear this morning, and I love: “This reminds me of the parable, ‘If only I have faith the size of a mustard seed – miracles can happen.’”
17. I think right now the most important thing is faith and am grateful for whatever the amount of it I have. (Will run this by/check this with Sp).
18. And that means I am finding things to love which are not J.
19. And that my class voted “FOR” The Secret Garden. Which I think they need and will be good for them. AND is so good for me to be reading right now.
20. And it goes on to say, “When I applied the God power I found in Step Two to the decision I made in Step Three, I found the willingness to carry on with the rest of the Twelve Steps and to remain abstinent from compulsive eating. “
21. And, “It was then I allowed the miracles to begin.”
22. I am actually grateful for this aspect of my fear and even panic: it makes me able to relate to and support others when they are in fear/panic, even though it may be a totally different cause. (And God – could you let me let it go now please partly lol).
23. Next morning, to finish them. I got to show that film and that was good for them and for me.
24. We had a really good morning. I worked hard, they seemed happy, and even Tr said what a great morning it went by so quickly.
25. Maybe I’m grateful that K. wasn’t in on M., because I’m not ready to talk about it?
26. I cleaned out my pocket book. And that felt good.
27. I took my break at prep time and read through my VT magazine.
28. Although lunch started out as just me and D : ( another joined and then others, and we wound up laughing a lot.
29. D and Gl both seemed at least to understand what I was saying about my mixed feelings about reading fiction right now.
30. That I saw on the site last night that that one meeting I’ve been thinking about is known as an AA 12 & 12 meeting, which is good.
31. That I’ve been hearing that abstinence is the last to go. It’s when the habits and footwork start dwindling that the trouble is there and coming. L – don’t stop the footwork!
32. Although I ate too much last night : ( I did have plenty of nutrients yesterday, fruit, veggies, calcium, protein.
33. That I woke up on time enough, even though the alarm clock seems to be broken.
34. Started the money teaching yesterday.
35. Good part in Secret Garden yesterday. I’m glad.
36. Ma called. I’d been thinking maybe she doesn’t like me anymore. But she actually called to apologize because she was PMSing and moody and “not good company” Mon. night.
37. I watched Dr. Phil and felt like it. And will probably again today.
38. But then, I want to go to that meeting, so we’ll see.
39. I did sleep last night. I don’t like these dreams but I did sleep.
40. Got two OA phone calls. Shei from Sun day before yesterday, and She last night. (Must return them).
41. Saw Sh Mon. I love her.
42. M. got a great new nanny.
43. And is seeming to be stronger about working things out with this one.
44. I gave over an hour to my mother’s phone problem. And – may have gotten it resolved too, I think.
45. Seeing the geese and goslings pecking at the grass.
46. I just smiled.
47. There is still hope. I may have to forego temporary comforts in favor of long-term solution, but there is hope. I wish I knew what to do. Will have to pray more. Oh, and already am.
48. For today for like 2 months of todays, I don’t turn to junk eating.
49. Dr. comes today.
50. I may write and e-mail to my friends, MA and ask her to inform ML also, S, St, M, O, maybe even Ma, maybe even K, maybe even Mar? asking for what I need.
51. They say the answer is in the steps. I *am * doing the steps.
52. In today’s For Today, “To me every hour of the light and dark is a miracle. Every cubic inch of space is a miracle. “ Walt Whitman
53. Jo came and worked out the using-the-desktop-with-the-SmartBoard-problem yesterday. That was so nice.
54. I thanked her *again. *
55. And today’s for Today also says, “There are many miracles in Overeaters Anonymous.”
56. It says, “It is a miracle that I am abstinent today, that I have the courage and faith to turn over the running of my life to God.”
57. And, “It is a miracle that others who suffer from my illness have provided a place for me to go where I am accepted just as I am.”
58. And, “And it is a miracle to have a path to follow that restores me to sanity.”
59. And, “The central miracle of my life is that I have been restored to sanity and usefulness.”
60. This one scares me (and that is telling) but it says in today’s In This Moment, “The feelings of others are not in my control and no one else can control mine. I am free to feel and express my feelings. I enjoy this freedom.”
61. It says in today’s Voices of Recovery, “This program is not a once-in-a-while thing. It is an everyday commitment.
62. “And The abstinence is for the fat downstairs and the Twelve Steps are for the fat upstairs – in the head.” OA 1st edition p. 150
63. And “Recovery is a one-0day-at-a-time procedure that requires time for clearing away the debris of the past.”
64. And, “I can do this best by adding more meditation, more meetings, and more service, rather than by taking time off.”
65. L – I don’t know why more meetings. But I know it does help. And I’m glad it does.
66. That I was never picked for that jury duty. Boy am I glad about that. And as this might be a repeat, I’ll put the next one right in here too. That I don’t watch crime shows anymore.
67. From my book from Sponsor: “2 In God’s Hands When we look back, we realize that the things which came to us when we put ourselves in God’s hands were better than anything we could have planned.”
68. And, “My depression deepened unbearably, and finally it seemed to me as though I were at the very bottom of the pit.” Yes. That’s me.
69. And then it says, “for the moment, the last vestige of my proud obstinacy was crushed. All at once I found myself crying out, ‘If there is a God, let Him show Himself! I am ready to do anything, anything!’” Yes. That’s me.
70. And then it says, “Suddenly the room lit up with a great white light. I t seemed ot me, in the mind’s eye, that I was on a mountain and that a wind not of air but of spirit was blowing. And then it burst upon me that I was a free man. Slowly the ecstasy subsided. I lay on the bed, but now for a time I was in another world, a new world of consciousness. All aobut me and through me there was a wonderful feeling of Presence, and I thought to myself, ’So this is the God of the preachers!’” Wow. What a promise, or potential kind of a thing.
71. Now I have never had that kind of thing, but I have had relief when I pray lately, and have prayed more and more. And even had a little this morning when prayed.
72. And in book from Sp p. 3 it says, “Someone once remarked that pain is the touchstone of spiritual progress. How heartily we A.A.’s can agree with him, for we know that the pains of alcoholism had to come before sobriety, and emotional turmoil before serenity.”
73. And, “Believe more deeply. hold your face up to the Light, even though for the moment you do not see.”
74. And on p. 4 it says, “As active alcoholics, we lost our ability to choose whether we would drink. We were the victims of a compulsion which seemed to decree that we must go on with our own destruction.”
75. And then it says, “yet we finally did make choices that brought about our recovery. We came to believe that alone we were powerless over alcohol. This was surely a choice, and a most difficult one. We came to believe that a higher Power could restore us to sanity when we became willing to practice A.A.’s Twelve Steps.”
76. “In short, we chose to ‘become willing,’ and no better choice did we ever make.’”
77. P. 5 “It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worthwhile.”
78. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of harboring resentment is infinitely grave.”
79. “For then we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.”
80. “If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the sudden rage were not for us. Anger is the dubious luxury of normal men, but for us alcoholics it is poison.”
81. And my Sp wrote, “1/94 I can feel it, but not express it.” I don’t know. But I’m grateful for these thoughts.
82. P. 6 “Acceptance and faith are capable of producing 100 per cent sobriety.
83. “In fact, they usually do,
84. and they must, else we could have no life at all.
85. “But the moment we carry these attitudes into our emotional problems, w find that only relative results are possible. Nobody can, for example, become completely free from fear, anger, and pride. Hence, in this life we shall attain nothing like perfect humility and love. So we shall have to settle, respecting most of our problems, for a very gradual progress, punctuated sometimes by heavy setbacks. Our oldtime attitude of ‘all or nothing’ will have to be abandoned.” Ow. But Sp wrote, “Yes! &Wow!”
86. That I listened to OA CD in car yesterday both ways, and will today too.
87. P. 7 “We have found that God does not make too hard terms with those who seek Him. To us, the realm of spirit is broad, roomy, all inclusive, never exclusive or forbidding to those who earnestly seek. It is open, we believe, to all men.”
88. Although late, I did get the paper recycling out.
89. And I was wearing clicky shoes and felt feminine doing it.
90. And minutes later, like 3 (!), they just took it. I watched them. They didn’t even look at it. So hum hum. Yay I love that.
91. I did do some more step 6 work just now. It’s hard. I’m grateful that I did it again today.
92. In this moment, I am okay.
93. Jo’s e-mail.
94. Today’s Daily Om thing: When we reach out with love to people, we will receive love back. Love is a powerful gift that opens up hearts and melts resistance.
95. It also comes back to us in spades because that's the way love works.
96. Love is a great neutralizer and magnifier and deflector and reflector. Others, caught by the arrows of our love, open up and flow that love right back to us.
97. Connect with the people you love today and receive the love that comes back to you;
98. bask in the experience of emanating love and being loved.
99. Sp’s talking about the convention CDs getting him on knees (had to find out if Jews can: )
100. Upcoming convention. And don’t even have to pay for hotel.
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