Friday, January 31, 2014

Someone wrote on fb:

Belinda of Living from the Inside Out wrote that she ran into someone who said her whole life was different from a year before because of her page and that now:

"My whole perception has changed - I now meditate, do yoga, use visualisations and affirmations, visit the farmers markets every week and practice The Law of Attraction."

Just thought that was good to share.

Affirmations

I am healthy.
I am able.
I am smart.
I am energetic.
I am competent.
I have a long, healthy, fulfilling, happy life in front of me.
I give to others and help the world.
I am loveable.
I am loved.

If

Fell. Hand/finger hurt. Couldn't type. Am fine. Can now.

If -
If I can just buckle down for this ONE WEEKEND,
I will be in shape housewise and paperworkwise, to move forward with getting things fixed,
and to sit and read... ... ... in a comfy environment without guilt.

I can do it!

Monday, January 27, 2014

Maybe - Just Maybe -

Maybe I am meant for something *bigger* than pining for J.
Lol.
And truly.

Saturday, January 25, 2014

I Can Only Do

The best that I can do.
And maybe - when I can't - there is a reason.
Or maybe - there isn't, bu it will all turn out ok anyway because I'll grow from it.

Yes Yes Yes!

I used to know this! Deep down heart know.
Then
I forgot.
Thankful for this post.
And that I've begun to know it again.
Maybe even fully now! 

Thursday, January 23, 2014

100 Grats

I am grateful:


1.      7:57 on  Sun night. I just saw a fb post that said, “you deserve to be happier than you are.” And I thought, “I don’t think I could be happier than I am.” Because I AM happy. Right now. Content. Fine. He moment is so fine.
2.      Had GREAT day with my mother and gave her great day too!
3.      And with her aide, M
4.      Remembered something about Ji with like a fond longing. Which was great. Because it wasn’t aobut J! The whole universe and all in it is NOT ABOUT J!
5.      I am having fresh-brewed hazelnut coffee
6.      I am enjoying the movie Must Love Dogs.”
7.      And thoroughly enjoying my girlie time this morning.
8.      On this glorious day off
9.      This glorious day of life
10.   With my boys chirping and singing
11.   I have a good book going.
12.   I will cook one thing – my whole grain pasta with sauce and green beans and Gardein and spices, and have containers for the week. I may even add artichoke hearts.
13.   I am going to try to remember doing 20 grats at NIGHT! Maybe 20 every morning and 20 every night now. It should be good to do at night.
14.   My deep clean breath. These are the first months ever with them. Not even as an infant.
15.   Not feeling worried. 14 days straight. Even at age 10, and 7, and FIVE I always had some fear.
16.   Poetry
17.   Paintings
18.   Music
19.   My two coloring books that I bought at the Tate Museum! Could also be purchase online I’m sure. One is “Color Your Own ABSTRCT ART Materpieces by Muncie Hendler. The other is Color Your Own MODERN ART Masterpieces rendered by Muncie Hendler.
20.   And that I have shared them with my class.
21.   And that they love them.
22.   And as weird as this sounds, I am grateful that I am not afraid to color IN them. Like, don’t have to Xerox copies first. It is just coloring! Have done one, and I must say, it is gorgeous. I love it. Different than the real one, but nice: )
23.   Now it is Wednesday morning. I might have to stick to mornings and do a lot of grats in AMS then as EXTRA try for PMs. That’s fine. And that is fine is a good thing for which I’m grateful. It’s better than worrying.
24.   I had a horrendous commute home yesterday. 1 hour 40 minutes for 20 minute drive but that’s not the worst at all. The worst is the slipping and sliding. I was losing control of the car a few times. I became convinced that I do not EVER want to drive in that car in the snow again! I may seriously have to change my money plans and get a used 4 wheel drive. I do not want to go through this again! I am so so so grateful that I DID get home safely! And I tried to stay positive and picture it too. While driving slowly and carefully (and of course ignoring the phone that rang…)
25.   And I am grateful that although it was really tough and I wished for the days of J and the safety-feeling, I didn’t fall. I didn’t sink. I was tense, but that was NORMAL tense!
26.   My car got stuck outside and I did the things I had to do. Called police and parking people and walked upstairs to neighbor to explain (although I knew they wouldn’t be using it, I was blocking their driveway…) I am proud because as simple as those things sound, I did them and in years past I would have let J take them over. I would have even felt I NEEDED him to.
27.   I KNOW the Law of Attraction works. I spent years and years picturing how I could be strong if God forbid ever had to be alone. Reading, tv, every way I could picture it. DUH! So I DREW IT to me. That fear became my reality. But the good news is, it is (empirical anyway) proof that the Law of Attraction works.
28.   And I am doing better at not tormenting myself for the past. I am HERE now. And I have a future. And more importantly, I have this day!
29.   Rather than wait another week, my new French teacher (who was scheduled to come today) is coming Friday. Yay!
30.   Tomorrow morning I have profession development for a bit.
31.   And afternoon more.
32.   Then Friday I have morning teach/ lunchtime French, and afternoon at another building doing science work.
33.   This weekend I intend to finish all the cleaning up stuff in the house no matter what. AND to see my mother of course.
34.   I WANT to get to work! No – you can’t know how big this is! I am so so embarrassed to admit this, but I was always relieved by any opportunity to be off from work. Snow day. Surgery! Any. Now I WANT to get in. Finally! Partly for conscience but I always had conscience – it is more that – 1. I realize I AM important there. NOT same as sub. And 2. I LIKE contributing. Wow. I’d have never guessed it…
36.   Ok. So. Guys I pay screwed up.  I couldn’t get car out. But – it is fine. No one died over it. And THAT is a good feeling to not be so upset
37.   And – a phone call came which J. may have needed(!) so I called him. While on phone, chatting, and he asked about something which led to something which led to – uh oh gulp – me crying while he said, “Stop! That makes me crazy and I’m trying to help you with this.” We hung up; I did what had to do. Was still crying though. A lot. And, well, you know, talking to him does bring up the love and the loss a bit. Plus after yesterday. Plus, once feeling bad about THIS (which had to do with yet another screw-up of mine about money and mother), I started feeling – about ALL my regrets J etc. So – I texted And I texted M and I asked each – pray for me. M got it and did. And I could feel that. And – I had already taken some action. Because J was coming and we had to go somewhere… - so – instead of sobbing in nightgown hair icky begging, which IS WHAT I FELT LIKE DOING, I got dressed nicely, put on my little necklace and earrings, and a smile, and acted like the grown-up I am. Oh thank God!
38.   Then I remembered ALSO – that I am a woman, a sexual being, desirable (to someone somewhere I assume  lol). And I behaved as such.
39.   And – J. did the rest of what the guys I pay didn’t do!
40.   (And I will straighten this out or get new guys)
41.   And – then *I * stayed out for 30 minutes doing the rest – the part *I * could do. (He’d said – anything wet today will be ice tomorrow morning and make it harder for you. So while sun has been out is out and will be out more, do it now.). And I did.
42.   I am grateful for the advice AND that I did it!
43.   Then came in and warmed and dried toes.
44.   And – then put on dry socks and shoes and walked to corner. For liquor. Not kidding. Want a drink (maybe have 4 a month). 
45.   Keeping track in book of every penny spent.
46.   Not feeling J. owes me.
47.   Not having anger toward him.
48.   Starting to have almost no anger toward self.
49.   My boys flying.
50.   Doing the best I can.
51.   I didn’t sink after all.
52.   I. Am. Respectable.
53.   I. Am. Reliable.
54.   I. Am. Compassionate.
55.   I. Do NOT. Panic. Like. I. Used to.
56.   The book The Power
57.   Life
58.   What it may turn out the “purpose of life” is: Live!
59.   Jigsaw Planet online free jigsaw puzzles.
60.   Knadinsky
61.   Hope
62.   Bird food
63.   Salad greens for ME! Lol
64.   I’m watching King of Queens repeat now. Doug is having daydream or dream (half watching) of being back on the road driving (cause stuck behind management desk temporarily). And how he LOVES his job. It is cartoonish in fact. But – I REMEMBER watching it before – and WISHING for that feeling. And I HAVE it now!
65.   Validating words from my principal today.
66.   J’s help today with bank stuff
67.   And snow stuff
68.   And offered to cover the 15
69.   And my paying him back anyway
70.   And we shall get together Sun evening.
71.   Fell asleep! Now is Thurs morning. I am not upset that it takes days often now for the 100. They are deep ones. Grateful for grats
72.   Lots professional development today. I think it will be kind of fun. And I hope so.
73.   No prep or lunch break though. But will be with others in different way for some of it.
74.   Tomorrow French teacher comes!!!!!
75.   And more professional development
76.   And some time with class both days too – that’s good lol
77.   Waking up
78.   Feeling that nice feeling before sleep of being ok.
79.   I used my Nutribullet! Oh my gosh it is the best thing ever! You throw whatever in it, screw it on, prewss down for seconds (I did 20 – you don’t do even a minute) and pour. THIS could solve the – days-I-might-not-get-enough-greens-otherwise dilemma! I loved it! I threw in fresh kale, little bit frozen strawberries, little chia seeds and water. Can put in anything. Basically gonna mostly taste the sweet of the fruit. Healthy, low-cal, easy, quick, yummy. What a great thing the Nutribullet is! No fuss like big blenders Vitamix etc. And 2 size cups, each has lid, can bring with too if want!
80.   Car good
81.   Laptop
82.   Books
83.   Puzzles
84.   Enough money to live. May have to move for safety as neighborhood changes. Well see. Then wouldn’t have little house, only condo. But will put energy into attracting the best…
85.   Snow removal services.
86.   Garbage removal services.
87.   That great Indian restaurant I took my mother to last weekend
88.   Sleep
89.   And – that I should be able to get a little more tonight – just right
90.   Exercising and movement of all types
91.   EJ
92.   Birdie
93.   JJ
94.   Kayleigh
95.   M
96.   A
97.   L
98.   Music
99.   Tchaikovsky
100. L. sent me this this morning. http://www.nybooks.com/blogs/gallery/2013/aug/13/tchaikovskys-wrong-note/ The fact that he sent it
101. And, I find it interesting!

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

I'm Down and That's Good!

Because it was a VERY stressful day.
Including but not limited to THE worst drive I've EVER had! White knuckling, sliding, slipping, squiggly light on, car stuck etc etc etc for just under 2 hours.
And something with A.

And so I'm a bit down.
Yay!
Because - it's NORMALLY down!
I am NOT feeling - therefore I am worthless
or therefore my life is worthless
... ... ...
I'm feeling - Oh - lie down- watch tv - relax - feel better, Sweetie.

And I shall.

WHAT a difference!!!!!!

What a gift this day has been!

Yes


Be gentle with yourself. Be kind to yourself. You may not be perfect, but you are all you’ve got to work with. The process of becoming who you will be begins first with the total acceptance of who you are.
~Bhante Henepola Gunaratan
Art © Albena Vatcheva 

Monday, January 20, 2014

This Is All But Unbelievable to Me! EJ, JJ, Birdie, Everyone - Read!

It. Is. Day. 14.
Day 14 that I am fine.

I am not keeping track; I just happened to realize it.
I am fine.
I am fine.
I am fine every day and night for 14 days.

Something big happened to hurt me.
Something else happened to piss me off.
Something else happened to scare me.
And - I still can't get track of the house. But now - NOW - I KNOW I will!
And through it all
I am fine.

Like the "overnight success" in Hollywood, I have worked and worked and worked and worked. For like over 4 years. (Since before J left). And now
I
Am
Fine

And will CONTINUE the work. In different forms perhaps. Like, I used to do FOUR daily readings A DAY! I would literally read them and type them out here! I am not doing that right now, but I am meditating at least 5 days a week.
The grats I am changing in terms of number, but becoming only more and more different and always authentic, and I am practicing piano more.
I am not praying with desperation and pleading, but positively.
I am closer to remembering and tapping into the Law of Attraction daily.
I am reading again.
I am MUCH more outgoing at school.  And every time I step outside my comfort zone, it expands.
I went to London alone!  The first 4 (out of 9) days were going to the American school for retreat with Thich Nhat Hanh and his monks and nuns. That helped. The next 5 were go-about days. And I loved every one!
I read the 5 Mindfulness Trainings (can easily be found on plumvillage.org) once a month aloud with another person.
I have made new friends on fb.
I have gotten my budget under control.
I start French lessons this Wednesday! With a native French person!
I take much better care of my body now.
And -
for the FIRST TIME since I moved out of parents' house at age 23 (I am 58 now) I DO NOT HAVE SICK CRAZY INCREDIBLE OVERAGE OF FOOD IN THE HOUSE. AND I DON'T WANT IT! Ex - on the top shelf of my 3-shelf cabinet (I don't have a pantry in the little house lol), I always had 2 rows of things lined up side by side like books on a library shelf. Now, I have some items, facing front, with all space behind.
And - it FEELS GREAT!
The FACT has always been that there is more than enough food for me. I live near NYC. Can you IMAGINE how many stores and restaurants are around? I can walk TO SEVERAL! I couldn't run out of food if I tried. Oh in a bad enough storm - although there has never been one bad enough - I could wind up eating something I don't adore - like plain broccoli with brown rice. Would that kill me? And again - it has never happened. So FINALLY - FINALLY - the FACT is recognized!
And my dr says I am finally "beginning to see my assets."
And - I am LOVING my job!

I have hope.
I am enjoying the moment.
I go to sleep fine. I wake up fine.

I know sadnesses will come. Some will be big. That is part of life. PART of life.
And I am fine.

I know that very recently I was severely depressed. I don't think I will fall that far again. But I don't forget, don't worry.

Oh thank God. There is probably a number of years of time left for me to enjoy. And be thankful and be fine.

I am sitting here right now, on a day off, watching "Must Love Dogs" while I do my spiritual work. Then - I shall clean something. And maybe - get to take my mother to a movie today too!
And - I FINALLY know I am FREE. I mean, I can move if I want. Anywhere I want (yes I am taking into account the money I have to give he who made a vow but left me). I could move to Florida. Or Hafuckingwaii (in one room with a roommate practically - it's so expensive lol). Or half an hour away from where I am. Or France. Or Bali. Or Japan. THERE IS NO ONE AND NOTHING TO STOP ME. Of course I choose to stay to get my pension 97.3 of which has come from my OWN paycheck anyway! And of COURSE I choose to not desert my mother! But these are CHOICES. Wow.
They always were, of course. But I GET IT now!
I have NEVER been okay for 14 days. I mean without internal worry or loneliness or fear. I always - ALWAYS looked at single women with DREAD in my heart. "Oh my Dearest God I could NEVER live that way!!!!!!! Hang on! Hang on to J. Hang on for dear life!!! Or you will be annihilated!" And now - no. NO!!!!!! It is NICE! Look: I am an affectionate person. I am a sexual person. I am a romantic person. I love men. I want to have an "other." And in the summer I will probably start dating. And either continue for a long long time, or meet a significant other and be exclusive with him. But for now I am LIKING being alone. I lived here for 6 years on my own once before, but I was never ok. I AM now. I am not only ok, but I am LIKING it!!!!!!!!!! All but unbelievable.

Oh - and maybe I'll have a PARTY this summer! With lots of people. Right here at the house. I am excited about that!

Everyone who reads this helps me. I so dearly hope I am helping someone.

And my heart is always filled with love for EJ. Who came on one day in the beginning, when every morning at like 4 or 4:30 am I would be here crying, "Dear God please don't let me be alone in cyberspace." And one day, up popped an angel who said, "Honey you are not alone." EJ. I am crying now typing this. Thank you.
Words CAN'T do. So thank you.

JJ and Birdie for commenting with me. Thank you so.

I love you three women.

I dearly hope to meet you irl.
Perhaps you will be in NYC.
And I will come there and meet you.
And you are ALWAYS WELCOME to come here. The house will be fixed, and clean, and you are welcome even to sleep over.




Sunday, January 19, 2014

100 Grats Today

I am grateful:


1.      Met with financial person again yesterday
2.      It went well.
3.      A. helped me with yet another idea, too.
4.      I will do it today.
5.      My new routine is get up, start the coffee brewing, change the birds’ greens, fill the humidifier, drink coffee. Good 1st thing am routine.
6.      Sleep last night and such interesting dreams!
7.      Have been ok for over a week. Wow.
8.      Friday (tired lol)
9.      3 day weekend. I’ll have one day with my mother and the other two to do stuff around here
10.   My class
11.   Teaching math
12.   That I can walk. I know two people who basically can’t. I am very lucky that I can.
13.   This. One of only 2 passages of Shakespeare’s that I’ve ever memorized:
(from the Merchant of Venice – part of Portia’s speech)
The quality of mercy is not strained;
It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven
Upon the place beneath.
It is twice blest; It blesseth him that gives and him that takes:
'T is mightiest in the mightiest;
it becomes The throned monarch better than his crown:
His sceptre shows the force of temporal power,
The attribute to awe and majesty,
Wherein doth sit the dread and fear of kings;
But mercy is above this sceptred sway;
It is enthronèd in the hearts of kings,
It is an attribute to God himself;
And earthly power doth then show likest God's
When mercy seasons justice.
14.   That I shared it with my principal today
15.   And that she appreciated getting it
16.   That I really DID start fresh Tuesday morning after our big meeting Monday afternoon.
17.   And every morning now, really.
18.   The EPIPHANY last Tues. at lunch! Like a actor who is “an overnight success,” it didn’t’ all HAPPEN that day. But it all CLICKED that day. I became allowed (when honestly, became AWARE that I’m allowed) to take the reigns over my own life!!
19.   And now it is Saturdayl Huge. Huge huge huge hugge huge. So glad I saw this today! Living the Law of Attraction / The Secret
What is it you really want? What is the outcome you want? Your job is to hold to the outcome of what you want, and to feel the outcome of what you want, and to feel the outcome as though it is here now. That is your job. The HOW it will come about is the Universe’s work. So many people trip up on this and try and work out the how. (The Secret Daily Teachings)
20.   Plenty of sleep Thursday night
21.   And last night
22.   Amazing dreams last night
23.   Am awake this morning.
24.   Was *super-teacher * yesterday!
25.   With no aide no less!
26.   I can be anybody I want (so can you). I can be the strongest person you’ve ever known.
27.   Fractals
28.   Art
29.   Digital art
30.   Online jigsaw puzzles, especially on those 3 things, and on objects and close-ups and houses too
31.   I am finding that I’m taking weekends OFF. Doing stuff for ME. Like cleaning, laundry… AND – RELAXING. Good!
32.   I. Start. French. Lesson. This. Coming. Wednesday!
33.   My new budget. Yes I love it. I can follow it.  I can control myself. I can eliminate worry this way too!
34.   I. Am. On. Day. TWELVE. Of. Being. Okay. !!!!!!!!!
35.   I’m great. My whole life has changed. Because my whole outlook has changed. I am not saying I won’t feel sad or or or or – grief, fear, etc. I am saying they won’t DESTROY me.
36.   I’m not even obsessed about my house anymore. It’s getting done. Should be nice by summer.
37.   And then – and then -  maybe I’ll only stay 3 years or so.
38.   Because -  because – I CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT!
39.   I can move to Florida.
40.   Or Hawaii.
41.   Or 2 towns away from where I am
42.   Or stay
43.   Move to a small townhouse or apartment or coop…
44.   Substitute teach.
45.   Or not.
46.   Do Reiki
47.   Or on non-human animals.
48.   Move to freakin France if I want!
49.   Sunday. I am grateful for this morning. And freedom this very morning
50.   Fresh brewed coffee! Yay.
51.   My time with A yesterday
52.   The laws of attraction. Well, I  elieve it was always in fact. What I’m grateful for is actually knowing about it!
53.   Fresh vegetables.
54.   Frozen vegetables
55.   Canned organic green beans which save me sometimes.
56.   For the FIRST TIME in my life – I do not have extra, ridiculous, overage, reserve, portions of food! I have a normal, human amount in my fridge and freezer and cabitnet (I don’t have a pantry)
57.   And – I. FEEL. GOOD. ABOUT HAVING THAT AMOUNT.  This is truly a first.
58.   Also, spent less on food this week. And will continue to.
59.   And – having “control” over my budget is helping me keep things in reign AND have hope.
60.   IMIng with dear L right now. I’m glad we are friends (and glad we are nothing more!)
61.   Friends.
62.   That I have grown to not so much expect them to be perfect or perfectly THER for me.
63.   Seeing Saving Mr. Banks with my mother and her aide.
64.   Indian food together too.
65.   I have looked online to help mother’s aide with her loss of pet grief, as per her request. I hope my info helps her.
66.   Books
67.   Libraries
68.   Wednesday is French!
69.   Posted pics of my beloved boys today! (birds)
70.   That I TOOK this very life-affirming step of taking them into my life.
71.   That I am so good to THEM
72.   AND – kept them together! They were so close! They very  likely would have been separated otherwise!
73.   Movies
74.   Indian food
75.   Water
76.   My homemade healthy vegetable bean soup.
77.   That is is delicious and comforting too.
78.   That I have a job
79.   Helping children
80.   Soon will get piano tuned
81.   That I have earrings
82.   Especially my newest (year?) pair, which I wear almost daily I love them so much.
83.   And that I don’t VALUE this CRAP as measure of self-worth, as I used to!
84.    That Indian restaurants always have vegetarian and vegan choices. Well almost always vegan. And if not, they have always thrown something together for meJ
85.   The years I used to walk on the Rockefeller estate. Before it was open to the public. Happy Rockefeller lived there, and allowed this group of joggers to use her property, not near the house, and it had 50 miles of trail! I would break off from the group to walk. It was great! Then we would meet up.
86.   The time I got lost there! But didn’t panic!
87.   And as I realized hours were going by, and it could get dark – that I didn’t want – I got nervous but not panicked. Just kept walking figuring eventually I will reach a road at worst.
88.   And I did!
89.   And there was one house
90.   And I rang bell and they weren’t serial killers and I used their phone. Phew.
91.   How I used to listen for the sound of the cows to guide my way! : ) (Except this time when I did that, they were a different group of cows! That’s how I managed to get lost lol)
92.   Humor
93.   That I can drive
94.   That my car works
95.   That I put gas in it
96.   My happy birdy boys walking and flying and chatting and singing virtually all day yesterday and already for hours this morning!
97.   MA. I may see her tomorrow
98.   That I don’t take being treated like shit anymore
99.   Chopin.
100. My singing with kids and piano yesterday, based on book SHE had shared, and principal came in during : )
101. My piano
102. My tv
103. My laptop