The Bad. / The Good. / The Great. The Noticings and Wonderings. / and For You (whoever reads this)
The Bad:
I get very lonely.
I am now in week 6 of stomach jitters (about loneliness and future).
One day last week I felt like wanted to die.
I am having a very bad time forgiving myself for my past lacks and actions...
I have grown a LOT. But I do wish I were here where I am now inside, at age 23-25!
Littler but still: I need work here on house omg. Dark - electrician issues - outdoors a horrible broken mess - need new bed - bathroom a horrible broken mess.. Money, overwhelming feeling...
The Good:
That awful thing last weekwhen felt wanted to die, I did get through it. I ran to computer to friend, AND shoveled greens in my mouth. It only happened twice and for about 10 minutes each time. Not weeks straight like a few years ago!
I am asked to share more about mindfulness. Which is wonderful. And will also push me to DO it more!
I have a wonderful class.
Everything is breaking but I am able to replace. So ordered new tv and new car.
Finally found snow removal guy helped a lot this winter.
I am a coach now, beachbody. I don't make money in fact it costs me lol but I enjoy it at this level! Helping others and being part of this particular team of positive nice people! And it expands my life. And keeps me from boredom at night when lonely.
The Great:
At Best Buy had a major revelation. I think I'll have to write about it separately. It is the hugest lifetime revelation.
I am eating so much better.
I am working out.
I am losing weight.
I am gaining energy, strength, and confidence.
I am able to pull myself back when falling, better than before.
I am really enjoying piano! And French!
I appreciate my work.
The Noticings and Wonderings:
W - I wonder if other people find life hard. I think it's hard. WORTH IT! But hard. It's work to be happy. Especially with lots of childhood damage.
N - I KNOW how important nutrition and moving my body are to my emotional health. I KNOW it now! From experience!
N - I have hope.
N - I enjoy something each day. I make sure to.
N - Work is important for me, in terms of not falling.
For YOU if You're Reading This:
Oh do not give up on yourself. I am so late at coming to healing. But yay that I've been coming to it. Better now than never oh yes.
Eat some green vegetables.
Workout.
Meditate even just focus on breathing 2 minutes a day is something.
Get out. Get outside get outside get outside. Even the first minute can change your mood.
Plan things. I have an event this month and one in July paid for and planned. Things to look forward to.
Keep up with your daily shit. I have paid a price for falling behind because "too emotion to bring up stuff from car (hello filthy car people couldn't even fit in and would walk by and talk about) or pay parking ticket, or fight red light ticket that was wrong (hello scrambling around on last day possible to avoid car boot, in GHETTO, with 300 cash I owed!) or deal with hsn when they sent letter because I'd changed credit cards after hacked and I forgot about it (hello collections agency). This cleaner feeling is worth the doing! Learn from my mistakes.
Thursday, April 9, 2015
E.J.
Hi Hon, I only just this minute saw your comment and hi and thank you! It won't let me reply so I've written here. I am about to catch up and keep up with blog again, but I'm ok.
Love to you!!
Love to you!!
Monday, February 16, 2015
The Next 134 Days!
So I’ve been thinking:
If I start anything new tomorrow, there are 134 days during which I can do it
before July 1. I wonder what I can accomplish in 134 days!
Let me say that again: ONE HUNDRED THIRTY FOUR WHOLE DAYS!! Summer will come either way, whether I do or not...
So - for example:
If I spend 20 minutes a day on French, I will be 2,680 minutes better in French than I am now! 44 and a half hours better!! PLUS 18 hours of lessons is 62 hours better! Wow!
Or: If I spend 10 minutes a day meditating that's 22.3 hours of meditation bliss and all that it brings.
If I spend 30 minutes a day on piano, I will be 4020 minutes better a pianist! 67 hours better! PLUS a couple of really good lessons = 70 hours better! Wowie!
If I spend 30 minutes a day on PD, I will have grown 4020 minutes more as a developed person – actually more - ‘cause it grows on itself, so it compounds!
If I spend an average of 30 minutes a day working out, I will be 15.3 pounds lower without changing a thing in my eating!
Not to mention sizes and inches.
Not to mention emotional benefits.
If I reign in my eating with a good food plan too, I will be lighter still!
And, if I spend just one little dollar a day less, I will have money for a new bathing suit in the end of June!
**
You know what, I think I’m going to do all of that! If I just devote 5:30 – 7:30 pm every day, there it is, done!
***
What would ~you~ like to accomplish by July 1?
I really really *really* r*E*a*L*l*Y want to know my friends’ thoughts about this!
: )
I hope some people will comment! I would LOVE to know!
Let me say that again: ONE HUNDRED THIRTY FOUR WHOLE DAYS!! Summer will come either way, whether I do or not...
So - for example:
If I spend 20 minutes a day on French, I will be 2,680 minutes better in French than I am now! 44 and a half hours better!! PLUS 18 hours of lessons is 62 hours better! Wow!
Or: If I spend 10 minutes a day meditating that's 22.3 hours of meditation bliss and all that it brings.
If I spend 30 minutes a day on piano, I will be 4020 minutes better a pianist! 67 hours better! PLUS a couple of really good lessons = 70 hours better! Wowie!
If I spend 30 minutes a day on PD, I will have grown 4020 minutes more as a developed person – actually more - ‘cause it grows on itself, so it compounds!
If I spend an average of 30 minutes a day working out, I will be 15.3 pounds lower without changing a thing in my eating!
Not to mention sizes and inches.
Not to mention emotional benefits.
If I reign in my eating with a good food plan too, I will be lighter still!
And, if I spend just one little dollar a day less, I will have money for a new bathing suit in the end of June!
**
You know what, I think I’m going to do all of that! If I just devote 5:30 – 7:30 pm every day, there it is, done!
***
What would ~you~ like to accomplish by July 1?
I really really *really* r*E*a*L*l*Y want to know my friends’ thoughts about this!
: )
I hope some people will comment! I would LOVE to know!
Friday, January 30, 2015
Grats 54 - 66 Some Health Things
54. Breath all the time
55. Heart beats healthily
56. How quickly my body responds to sleep, greens, and workouts! : )
57. How quickly my body responds to the "bad" things too - good reminder
58. My ability to heal
59. Working kidneys
60. Healthy blood
61. Eyesight!
62. Hearing
63. Ability to walk
64. Ability to drive
65. Two hands that work so well. For typing, lifting things, cooking, piano, everything!
66. A good brain that has enabled me to get an education and to work.
55. Heart beats healthily
56. How quickly my body responds to sleep, greens, and workouts! : )
57. How quickly my body responds to the "bad" things too - good reminder
58. My ability to heal
59. Working kidneys
60. Healthy blood
61. Eyesight!
62. Hearing
63. Ability to walk
64. Ability to drive
65. Two hands that work so well. For typing, lifting things, cooking, piano, everything!
66. A good brain that has enabled me to get an education and to work.
Monday, January 26, 2015
Grats 53
53. J. called. Wanted to make sure I have all need (snow coming here).
And we are going out next week
And he was endlessly thankful for the iPad (I had one I never use it had been a gift and he needed one for work so I gave to him Dec 30 when we went to dinner)
I have to admit, I am very very grateful for the hope.
I am stronger now, and whatever happens I will accept and be fine and love my own life!
But - I do love him and am very grateful for the hope.
Thankful here.
And we are going out next week
And he was endlessly thankful for the iPad (I had one I never use it had been a gift and he needed one for work so I gave to him Dec 30 when we went to dinner)
I have to admit, I am very very grateful for the hope.
I am stronger now, and whatever happens I will accept and be fine and love my own life!
But - I do love him and am very grateful for the hope.
Thankful here.
Sunday, January 25, 2015
Grats 34 - 52
Things "Bad" That Worked Out to Be Good!"
1. J. leaving. All my strengths I would not have found
2. Piano lessons I hated and never wanted growing up. But playing helps save me now, when down. Plus brings me joy!
3. No voice for 8 months. That's when I found my Reiki teacher and Reiki itself.
4. And - I appreciate my voice so much now.
5. And - I came to realize how much of what I say doesn't need to be said, too.
6. Having to work. But work saves me in many ways too.
7. Plus I help others that way.
8. Gaining all that weight. But through it I've found exercise.
9. And - strength
10. And - energ
11. And - confidence!
12. Shyness, fear, and other weaknesses. 'Cause they've helped me to empathize and to help others, including students and adults too.
13. Breathing problems I had. Because I SOOOOO appreciate my breath now!
14. Health problems AND scares last Oct (2013) because I have gotten happily serious about my health now!
15. Doggie with husband and I miss her so. Because I now have the birds.
16. And, because I don't want to walk a dog at night in the cold and dark and I don't have to.
17. And, because I can go out and even go away weekends without guilt over her
18. And, because she is not alone there so much as she would be here.
There are more! I'm just out of time for now!
1. J. leaving. All my strengths I would not have found
2. Piano lessons I hated and never wanted growing up. But playing helps save me now, when down. Plus brings me joy!
3. No voice for 8 months. That's when I found my Reiki teacher and Reiki itself.
4. And - I appreciate my voice so much now.
5. And - I came to realize how much of what I say doesn't need to be said, too.
6. Having to work. But work saves me in many ways too.
7. Plus I help others that way.
8. Gaining all that weight. But through it I've found exercise.
9. And - strength
10. And - energ
11. And - confidence!
12. Shyness, fear, and other weaknesses. 'Cause they've helped me to empathize and to help others, including students and adults too.
13. Breathing problems I had. Because I SOOOOO appreciate my breath now!
14. Health problems AND scares last Oct (2013) because I have gotten happily serious about my health now!
15. Doggie with husband and I miss her so. Because I now have the birds.
16. And, because I don't want to walk a dog at night in the cold and dark and I don't have to.
17. And, because I can go out and even go away weekends without guilt over her
18. And, because she is not alone there so much as she would be here.
There are more! I'm just out of time for now!
Monday, January 19, 2015
Grats 17 - 33
17. my voice. I remember when I didn’t have it for the better part of 8 months
18.
an oven. I am
roasted vegetables in it today.
19.
The recipe for
creamy curried broccoli soup from Supermarket Vegan. I love it and am making it
today and adding beans to it for protein (in fod processor adding them)
20.
That I am off
today, so I can heal – have had a physical thingy going on
21.
My health
22.
My dear birds.
They are healthy and happy and songful
23.
That I let them
fly about so much
24.
That I am SO
lucky they only poop in or over their (big, flight) cage!
25.
Knitting.
26.
That I had the
money to get my car fixed Friday.
27.
Health insurance
and that I am able to pay the up-front and the co-pay costs.
28.
My eyesight!
29.
My fb communities
30.
Washer and dryer
and place in cellar to hang clothes drying too. Very lucky for this!
31.
That laundry is
in now
32.
Dishwasher
33.
That it is on
now.
Sunday, January 18, 2015
Gratitudes
I'm gonna start posting some grats each day. Don't care if they're ones I've put in the past or not - BUT - they will not be repeated here! Wonder how many days I can go without a repeat! :)
And - this is NOT coming from a bad or desperate place, but a happy-to-be-alive, hopeful, and content very very grateful place!
PS What got me from suicidal to here is:
mindfulness breathing (albeit sporadically)
lots of time every morning with daily meditations online from hay house and I used to literally type each one here
prayer
just keep going just keep going just keep going
loving friends including EJ being here for me
that I needed a job so I had to do it just do it
giving up all soda including diet soda, and all white pasta, as both make me crazy
I do take 15 mgs of paxil 4 nights a week (sun, mon, wed, fri, just cause it's easy to remember that way) This is different than the way most people take it, which is mornings, every day, and 40 - 60 mg. But this is just right for me
I had therapy for a long time from the desperate times about 4 - 5 years ago till last April
-
when less desperate, what also helped:
good books (including Be Free Where You Are, The Secret, The Magic, and other non-fiction and even fiction that engrossed me including Malakai, The Help, Once We Were Brothers, and many more
piano though not daily
embroidery though only sometimes
getting out more - being with people more
I traveled on my own to London (from New York) for 9 days. The first 4 at a retreat with Thich Nhat Hanh (and I'd been on 3 in Massachusetts earlier) and the next 5 just going about sightseeing. Loved every minute. 2012 end March beginning April. This was amazingly good for me.
I did date someone (husband had left of course) for about 8 months and that was nice for me too.
--
And finally, exercise, eating much better, having something green every day. It all started with Nutribullet MagicBullet last April and a smoothie every day just as a way to get in greens, moved to 21 Day Fix (guide not really DOING or I'd be thin by now) end June, and at that time started the exercise too.
--
Now, I just take things more lightly. I accept about J (husband who left). I see him sometimes but I don't know what will happen. But for the first time IN MY LIFE, I am ok, happy, grateful, and just fine being me.
I. Am. Finally. Whole.
Hope some of this hopes someone else!
==
Grats
1. 21 Day Fix exercises
2. 21 Day Fix food plan (although I have not followed it perfectly at all!)
3. My breath. I used to have such trouble with it. Now every breath goes all the way to my naval. I can hardly believe this! No asthma, no shallow breathing. I am so so grateful.
4. Organic foods
5. My health food store
6. Mindfulness breathing allowed and encourage to be done couple minutes a day with my little students!
7. Soups
8. That I have a B.A. in psychology, a teaching certificate, and a Masters Degree in Theology/Religious Studies.
9. My friends.
10. A, MA, M in particular
11. My mother's great aide, M.
12. My mother's other great aide new: E.
13. My principal, who really seems to get me and appreciate me
14. A piano in my classroom
15. That my kids want to hear it now : )
16. Sitcoms
So - these are not the deepest - but that is a signal about me being lighter now. They are the happy little ones that come to me right now - without spending too long:)
And - this is NOT coming from a bad or desperate place, but a happy-to-be-alive, hopeful, and content very very grateful place!
PS What got me from suicidal to here is:
mindfulness breathing (albeit sporadically)
lots of time every morning with daily meditations online from hay house and I used to literally type each one here
prayer
just keep going just keep going just keep going
loving friends including EJ being here for me
that I needed a job so I had to do it just do it
giving up all soda including diet soda, and all white pasta, as both make me crazy
I do take 15 mgs of paxil 4 nights a week (sun, mon, wed, fri, just cause it's easy to remember that way) This is different than the way most people take it, which is mornings, every day, and 40 - 60 mg. But this is just right for me
I had therapy for a long time from the desperate times about 4 - 5 years ago till last April
-
when less desperate, what also helped:
good books (including Be Free Where You Are, The Secret, The Magic, and other non-fiction and even fiction that engrossed me including Malakai, The Help, Once We Were Brothers, and many more
piano though not daily
embroidery though only sometimes
getting out more - being with people more
I traveled on my own to London (from New York) for 9 days. The first 4 at a retreat with Thich Nhat Hanh (and I'd been on 3 in Massachusetts earlier) and the next 5 just going about sightseeing. Loved every minute. 2012 end March beginning April. This was amazingly good for me.
I did date someone (husband had left of course) for about 8 months and that was nice for me too.
--
And finally, exercise, eating much better, having something green every day. It all started with Nutribullet MagicBullet last April and a smoothie every day just as a way to get in greens, moved to 21 Day Fix (guide not really DOING or I'd be thin by now) end June, and at that time started the exercise too.
--
Now, I just take things more lightly. I accept about J (husband who left). I see him sometimes but I don't know what will happen. But for the first time IN MY LIFE, I am ok, happy, grateful, and just fine being me.
I. Am. Finally. Whole.
Hope some of this hopes someone else!
==
Grats
1. 21 Day Fix exercises
2. 21 Day Fix food plan (although I have not followed it perfectly at all!)
3. My breath. I used to have such trouble with it. Now every breath goes all the way to my naval. I can hardly believe this! No asthma, no shallow breathing. I am so so grateful.
4. Organic foods
5. My health food store
6. Mindfulness breathing allowed and encourage to be done couple minutes a day with my little students!
7. Soups
8. That I have a B.A. in psychology, a teaching certificate, and a Masters Degree in Theology/Religious Studies.
9. My friends.
10. A, MA, M in particular
11. My mother's great aide, M.
12. My mother's other great aide new: E.
13. My principal, who really seems to get me and appreciate me
14. A piano in my classroom
15. That my kids want to hear it now : )
16. Sitcoms
So - these are not the deepest - but that is a signal about me being lighter now. They are the happy little ones that come to me right now - without spending too long:)
Sunday, January 11, 2015
I Am Almost Afraid to Say This
Almost.
But not quite!
I am fine. I am happy. I am ok.
I wake up feeling good.
I fall asleep feeling good.
I take care of my home and put things away when I use them.
I do laundry once or twice a week.
I keep up with my haircuts.
I take care of precious birds.
I look good enough for work in terms of clothes..
i am losing weight and it shows.
I am getting lots of compliments.
I am helping others to lose weidht, to eat better, to exercise.
*I* exercise.
I cook.
I take care of my car.
I take care of bills.
I am saving a little someting.
I am teaching weel.
I get along with people at work.
I have energy.
I love practicing and playing piano.
I love reading.
I love embroidery.
I love real foods.
I love just standing at the kitchen sink scrubbing a sweet potato in my immaculate kitchen. Simple, basic things.
I love driving.
I feel like I would be all right in a little flat in another country,
or a cottage in another state,
or a townhouse not too far away from where I live
or right here.
I am all right inside.
I. Am all right inside!
I am fine alone.
I would be fine with J.
I would be fine with someone else.
I would be fine staying alone.
I would "rather" have family but I am better than fine!
I have felt this way for days which may sound little but they are my first days like this ever. NOT about future hope. NOT about a relationship. Just about living.
The miracle that is my life!
I have worked here since 2011 and really all my life avoided or worked on this. Have NEVER felt okay before. Am 59 years old.
*There is hope for you too!*
*Don't quit before the miracle!*
These are the things that helped me most:
YOU can do it too.
I am so grateful. So grateful.
If you want help, I am not a personal coach, I have a job and do not want another one, but I am SO GRATEFUL that if I can for free help you in any way, please comment and I will always be here for you. I want to help anyone else get from where I was to where I am.
And -
I will continue on here too.
But not quite!
I am fine. I am happy. I am ok.
I wake up feeling good.
I fall asleep feeling good.
I take care of my home and put things away when I use them.
I do laundry once or twice a week.
I keep up with my haircuts.
I take care of precious birds.
I look good enough for work in terms of clothes..
i am losing weight and it shows.
I am getting lots of compliments.
I am helping others to lose weidht, to eat better, to exercise.
*I* exercise.
I cook.
I take care of my car.
I take care of bills.
I am saving a little someting.
I am teaching weel.
I get along with people at work.
I have energy.
I love practicing and playing piano.
I love reading.
I love embroidery.
I love real foods.
I love just standing at the kitchen sink scrubbing a sweet potato in my immaculate kitchen. Simple, basic things.
I love driving.
I feel like I would be all right in a little flat in another country,
or a cottage in another state,
or a townhouse not too far away from where I live
or right here.
I am all right inside.
I. Am all right inside!
I am fine alone.
I would be fine with J.
I would be fine with someone else.
I would be fine staying alone.
I would "rather" have family but I am better than fine!
I have felt this way for days which may sound little but they are my first days like this ever. NOT about future hope. NOT about a relationship. Just about living.
The miracle that is my life!
I have worked here since 2011 and really all my life avoided or worked on this. Have NEVER felt okay before. Am 59 years old.
*There is hope for you too!*
*Don't quit before the miracle!*
These are the things that helped me most:
- Daily gratitudes
- Couple of good close friends
- Giving to others
- Just kept going as much as could
- Piano
- Exercise
- Real foods
- Prayer
- Work
- Mindfulness meditation a la Thich Nhat Hanh (plumvillage.org)
- Play - movies, books, dinners out, visits
- Reading personal growth books
- Taking a trip alone
- Expanding my number of people in my life including online
- Stepping out of my comfort zone!!
YOU can do it too.
I am so grateful. So grateful.
If you want help, I am not a personal coach, I have a job and do not want another one, but I am SO GRATEFUL that if I can for free help you in any way, please comment and I will always be here for you. I want to help anyone else get from where I was to where I am.
And -
I will continue on here too.
Saturday, January 10, 2015
Days 4 and 5 of Clean Eating, and After
Oh my GOSH!
Day 4
Thursday
I am AMAZED
at how good I feel!
And how I looked
forward to my oatmeal this morning!
REAL FOOD
CHANGES EVERYTHING!
Despite
tremendous stresses, I did not eat a bit of junky food stuffs.
Night – when awakened (as
always do) felt so GOOD! Felt healthy and energetic and sort of – clean inside
– and went right back to sleep.
Day 5 Friday
I had a regular organic bosc
pear this morning. I’ve had them a million times. This was same as days ago.
Ordinary ripeness, same store, same batch. It tasted as sweet as candy used to
taste! That HAS TO BE from the clean eating all week!
Oh yeah, and did I mention?
I’m down 4 ½ pounds since Monday morning!
SATURDAY:
DOWN SEVEN POUNDS THIS AM SINCE MONDAY AM!!!!!
--
Changes I’ve Made!
Lemon water first thing every
morning
Down to 1 coffee most days
instead of 2 (coffee, and ¼ of a white potato being the only things not on the
list)
Eating more but losing weight!
HUGE!
Liking oatmeal, first time
ever!
Adding to my life more nuts
and more veggies
Not obsessing and stressing
over foods!!!! HUGE!
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
Clean Eating
Wow. I joined a Clean Eating group through my coach.
-- That only means that it is a facebook page for 5 days where we support each other with eating more cleanly, which, when I really look at it would be the just about identical to the 21 Day Fix plan if I were to really follow it lol! --
Day 1 I felt great despite first day back from vaca and long work day.
Day 2 I had so many stressors! Work, money, mother, mother's aides - a LOT in one day. But had an AWARENESS of this really clean feeling - in my easy breathing and my stomach... and despite temptation, just didn't want to eat anything crappy or not really clean!
Day 3 - this morning - after doing Pilates Fix yesterday - my muscles feel so good. And I still love this feeling inside! I want MORE of this!
And - instead of hating on myself for not having done it sooner, I'm just so grateful for it now!
" So much has been given to me I have not time to ponder over that which has been denied " ~ Helen Keller
-- That only means that it is a facebook page for 5 days where we support each other with eating more cleanly, which, when I really look at it would be the just about identical to the 21 Day Fix plan if I were to really follow it lol! --
Day 1 I felt great despite first day back from vaca and long work day.
Day 2 I had so many stressors! Work, money, mother, mother's aides - a LOT in one day. But had an AWARENESS of this really clean feeling - in my easy breathing and my stomach... and despite temptation, just didn't want to eat anything crappy or not really clean!
Day 3 - this morning - after doing Pilates Fix yesterday - my muscles feel so good. And I still love this feeling inside! I want MORE of this!
And - instead of hating on myself for not having done it sooner, I'm just so grateful for it now!
" So much has been given to me I have not time to ponder over that which has been denied " ~ Helen Keller
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