Lawyer calling at about 10:30 EST.
God help me.
I will NOT be unfair to or "screw" over J.
But he could to me, as per the law!
Thank you!
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Grats
I am so grateful:
1. Mother
2. J in some ways
3. L
4. M
5. MA
6. ML
7. Ma
8. Mar
9. St
10. O
11. K
12. Mt
13. Tr
14. Jo
15. B
16. Ph
17. Li
18. Sh
19. A
20. N
21. Jd
22. JJ
23. Ej
24. Birdie
25. You, if you’re reading this
26. OA Sponsor
27. CoDA Sponsor
28. This sick day I am allowed to take, when I am SO sick
29. St driving me home yesterday
30. Heat. As I virtually never do, I turned it up a little higher last night.
31. And might right now as well
32. My piano. My particular piano.
33. Just contacted lawyer. Gulp.
34. Don’t care about “losing” J. Just want to protect my future, which is not secure financially to begin with!
35. Grateful for all these things. Plus, fresh water.
36. And tea. Am about to make some.
37. And headache not QUITE as bad right now.
38. And am about to make some spinach.
39. Fresh fruit
40. Dr. coming today.
41. Love of all kinds.
42. L’s kisses
43. And his sweet, gentle, romantic e-mails today.
44. And this poem he wrote to me. Which I have his permission to post here:
Lynn,
My senses are on call for you.
Yearning to know the smell, the taste
Of this succulent desert flower, blossoming anew
But alas, whose petals I do not see...
For I am blinded, partly by my bottomless thirst,
partly by your inexhaustible passion.
L.
45. That he makes me swoon.
46. My French lessons! If I am well enough later, I am going to do some French work!
Stopping to go get tea.
Will be back to finish.
1. Mother
2. J in some ways
3. L
4. M
5. MA
6. ML
7. Ma
8. Mar
9. St
10. O
11. K
12. Mt
13. Tr
14. Jo
15. B
16. Ph
17. Li
18. Sh
19. A
20. N
21. Jd
22. JJ
23. Ej
24. Birdie
25. You, if you’re reading this
26. OA Sponsor
27. CoDA Sponsor
28. This sick day I am allowed to take, when I am SO sick
29. St driving me home yesterday
30. Heat. As I virtually never do, I turned it up a little higher last night.
31. And might right now as well
32. My piano. My particular piano.
33. Just contacted lawyer. Gulp.
34. Don’t care about “losing” J. Just want to protect my future, which is not secure financially to begin with!
35. Grateful for all these things. Plus, fresh water.
36. And tea. Am about to make some.
37. And headache not QUITE as bad right now.
38. And am about to make some spinach.
39. Fresh fruit
40. Dr. coming today.
41. Love of all kinds.
42. L’s kisses
43. And his sweet, gentle, romantic e-mails today.
44. And this poem he wrote to me. Which I have his permission to post here:
Lynn,
My senses are on call for you.
Yearning to know the smell, the taste
Of this succulent desert flower, blossoming anew
But alas, whose petals I do not see...
For I am blinded, partly by my bottomless thirst,
partly by your inexhaustible passion.
L.
45. That he makes me swoon.
46. My French lessons! If I am well enough later, I am going to do some French work!
Stopping to go get tea.
Will be back to finish.
Love love love to you for not leaving me alone in
cyberspace!
Am home sick. :(
But can type, I think.
Now will do catching up on readings, and put them here for you, IF does not make me too dizzy,
and will do my grats...
Am home sick. :(
But can type, I think.
Now will do catching up on readings, and put them here for you, IF does not make me too dizzy,
and will do my grats...
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
I'm just home sick but will
be back as soon as can.
With lots of readings.
Need sleep.
NOT giving up!
Still strong!
xoxoxoxo to all
With lots of readings.
Need sleep.
NOT giving up!
Still strong!
xoxoxoxo to all
Grats
I am grateful to be back, though not feeling well.
And I am grateful for these things:
1. Meeting L.
2. The most amazing chemistry I have ever felt!
3. The best kisses I have ever had!
4. He called last night and we had a nice chat.
5. That I took the public transportation both ways by myself.
6. That I learned some things about art and about history.
7. That I enjoyed about half a glass of absolutely delicious wine.
8. And some nice greens
9. And half a pear
10. And lots of walking
11. And that before getting off the bus I really needed to calm down. Had already said a whole Rosary, and meditated. And was now literally shaking (hands)! Called M and said, “Please tell me that I am good enough because God made me, period. And it doesn’t matter what this jerk will think of me, right?” And she said, “Not just that, but you are beautiful.” And that helped.
12. Then, inside the place before I saw him, I almost left! I am so grateful that I didn’t.
13. Although I knew there was NO WAY he or anyway else was going to see them, I had on such pretty panties, and lacy stockings.
14. And I felt feminine.
15. And even pretty.
16. And as I lose weight, my face dimples are coming back and showing!
17. And this morning when I washed my hands and looked up into the bathroom mirror, was still smiling from yesterday(!) I saw them!
18. I took a risk. Yay me!
19. My French teacher translated the Thich Nhat Haht “10-line poem” breathing meditation – long form and short for me! I have it in writing! : )
20. M just called. We had a GREAT girlfriends talk. Mutual. Symbiotic. Lovely.
21. And L. just wrote. Nice.
22. And I wrote back.
23. I am grateful that I have so much to be grateful for.
24. I think I have a date next week with someone – maybe lunch or something. I’m only interested in L. right now. But both therapists (real irl and phone one, with whom I have one more short and one more long call) think I should. And I know I should. So as not to become addicted to L, or jump into a relationship too soon, or lose my newly-being-found independence. Blah blah yada yada.
25. My whole body is still tingling from yesterday. I have never felt like this before. Omg.
26. I heard from my tai chi teacher – who introduced me to meditation, Thich Nhat Hahn, and the practice and Buddhism. Wonderful.
27. That he did introduce me to these things.
28. Just feeling somewhat better today, don’t’ want to do my morning work. But AM anyway! And for that I’m grateful!
29. And now it’s Sunday. I am grateful that I went to Mer yesterday when she needed me
30. And that I then made it to the Worldwide Unity OA Marathon meeting for the last hour or so.
31. And it ended with 18 minutes of meditation!
32. And THN was even mentioned!
33. And I so able to get right into it.
34. As usual!
35. L. wrote something I didn’t like yesterday evening. But I stayed strong and we were able to talk it through.
36. I’m proud of and happy for myself that I didn’t give in.
37. And the big message is, of course, that I remember I have nothing to lose. He is stirring beautiful feelings in me. I am enjoying them.
38. It’s now Tuesday. I am back. Thank God.
39. And I have written a poem in French.
40. And helped Mer - a LOT
41. And given my kids a GREAT day yesterday
42. And got through it so well myself despite being overwhelmingly tired
43. Am so tired today again – have not been able to sleep at night – but will make the right decision and the important thing is that I know that
44. My honesty with L. It might not be the smartest, as one should keep mystery…but I’m more interested in being ME than in “keeping man.” And that in itself is a thrill.
45. Heat in the house
46. Doggie was so happy to see J yesterday
47. He still seemed ambivalent. Lingered a bit. Kissed me (not passionate kiss). I’m not so sure he doesn’t love me at all. I don’t want him back anyway, at this point, but it felt nice. I do love the man.
48. The higher level of conversation I have now, due to my talks with Louis. It’s kind of like when the kids are dressed for picture day, how they behave better. When I’m speaking and writing regularly with someone of a certain intellect, mine comes more readily to the fore and I’m glad.
49. My eyesight
50. My sensuousness
51. That I feel like a woman again
52. Quinoa
53. Eating so much better now
54. Sex. Haven’t had any in a while, but will one day. And it’s a nice thing.
55. Two preps today
56. My dr. coming tomorrow
57. Great French lesson yesterday! I love these!
58. Freedom
59. That I am able to walk from the bed to the bathroom
60. That I am able to drive
61. That I am able to afford a car
62. That I will probably see L a bit for my b’day
63. Massages
64. My hearing
65. My ability to speak. Really
66. I’m very grateful for my open-mindedness
67. And that today might not be quite as difficult as yesterday.
68. That my French teacher sent me lot of materials she uses with her classes to go with the movie Les Choristes
69. And M got me the movie
70. And I will watch it this weekend, I think!
71. With subtitles.
72. And then maybe without: )
73. Light touches
74. Light kisses
75. Medium kisses
76. Deep kisses
77. One lip at a time biting little kisses
78. Poetry
79. Being inside when it’s storming outside
80. Maybe can clean really well this weekend
81. Maybe can get chimney cleaned this weekend too
82. Maybe. Only maybe. And that feels good.
83. Peaceful people.
84. Snow days. Wonder if we’ll get one this year
85. That I used to have a boat
86. Disney
87. Good books
88. Health magazines
89. That health board-game the kids are playing
90. Good DVDs
91. That I’m alive
92. And I’m grateful that I’m grateful to be alive
93. The OA Unity Marathon Saturday
94. And the meditation we did together.
95. The breathing game with the children
96. Good psychologists etc.
97. Multi-vitamins
98. Vita-mix – I don’t have one, but I’m grateful for them
99. The days I used to come home and J. would have a veggie/fruit juice freshly made for me.
100. Laughter. Especially deep belly laughter
And I am grateful for these things:
1. Meeting L.
2. The most amazing chemistry I have ever felt!
3. The best kisses I have ever had!
4. He called last night and we had a nice chat.
5. That I took the public transportation both ways by myself.
6. That I learned some things about art and about history.
7. That I enjoyed about half a glass of absolutely delicious wine.
8. And some nice greens
9. And half a pear
10. And lots of walking
11. And that before getting off the bus I really needed to calm down. Had already said a whole Rosary, and meditated. And was now literally shaking (hands)! Called M and said, “Please tell me that I am good enough because God made me, period. And it doesn’t matter what this jerk will think of me, right?” And she said, “Not just that, but you are beautiful.” And that helped.
12. Then, inside the place before I saw him, I almost left! I am so grateful that I didn’t.
13. Although I knew there was NO WAY he or anyway else was going to see them, I had on such pretty panties, and lacy stockings.
14. And I felt feminine.
15. And even pretty.
16. And as I lose weight, my face dimples are coming back and showing!
17. And this morning when I washed my hands and looked up into the bathroom mirror, was still smiling from yesterday(!) I saw them!
18. I took a risk. Yay me!
19. My French teacher translated the Thich Nhat Haht “10-line poem” breathing meditation – long form and short for me! I have it in writing! : )
20. M just called. We had a GREAT girlfriends talk. Mutual. Symbiotic. Lovely.
21. And L. just wrote. Nice.
22. And I wrote back.
23. I am grateful that I have so much to be grateful for.
24. I think I have a date next week with someone – maybe lunch or something. I’m only interested in L. right now. But both therapists (real irl and phone one, with whom I have one more short and one more long call) think I should. And I know I should. So as not to become addicted to L, or jump into a relationship too soon, or lose my newly-being-found independence. Blah blah yada yada.
25. My whole body is still tingling from yesterday. I have never felt like this before. Omg.
26. I heard from my tai chi teacher – who introduced me to meditation, Thich Nhat Hahn, and the practice and Buddhism. Wonderful.
27. That he did introduce me to these things.
28. Just feeling somewhat better today, don’t’ want to do my morning work. But AM anyway! And for that I’m grateful!
29. And now it’s Sunday. I am grateful that I went to Mer yesterday when she needed me
30. And that I then made it to the Worldwide Unity OA Marathon meeting for the last hour or so.
31. And it ended with 18 minutes of meditation!
32. And THN was even mentioned!
33. And I so able to get right into it.
34. As usual!
35. L. wrote something I didn’t like yesterday evening. But I stayed strong and we were able to talk it through.
36. I’m proud of and happy for myself that I didn’t give in.
37. And the big message is, of course, that I remember I have nothing to lose. He is stirring beautiful feelings in me. I am enjoying them.
38. It’s now Tuesday. I am back. Thank God.
39. And I have written a poem in French.
40. And helped Mer - a LOT
41. And given my kids a GREAT day yesterday
42. And got through it so well myself despite being overwhelmingly tired
43. Am so tired today again – have not been able to sleep at night – but will make the right decision and the important thing is that I know that
44. My honesty with L. It might not be the smartest, as one should keep mystery…but I’m more interested in being ME than in “keeping man.” And that in itself is a thrill.
45. Heat in the house
46. Doggie was so happy to see J yesterday
47. He still seemed ambivalent. Lingered a bit. Kissed me (not passionate kiss). I’m not so sure he doesn’t love me at all. I don’t want him back anyway, at this point, but it felt nice. I do love the man.
48. The higher level of conversation I have now, due to my talks with Louis. It’s kind of like when the kids are dressed for picture day, how they behave better. When I’m speaking and writing regularly with someone of a certain intellect, mine comes more readily to the fore and I’m glad.
49. My eyesight
50. My sensuousness
51. That I feel like a woman again
52. Quinoa
53. Eating so much better now
54. Sex. Haven’t had any in a while, but will one day. And it’s a nice thing.
55. Two preps today
56. My dr. coming tomorrow
57. Great French lesson yesterday! I love these!
58. Freedom
59. That I am able to walk from the bed to the bathroom
60. That I am able to drive
61. That I am able to afford a car
62. That I will probably see L a bit for my b’day
63. Massages
64. My hearing
65. My ability to speak. Really
66. I’m very grateful for my open-mindedness
67. And that today might not be quite as difficult as yesterday.
68. That my French teacher sent me lot of materials she uses with her classes to go with the movie Les Choristes
69. And M got me the movie
70. And I will watch it this weekend, I think!
71. With subtitles.
72. And then maybe without: )
73. Light touches
74. Light kisses
75. Medium kisses
76. Deep kisses
77. One lip at a time biting little kisses
78. Poetry
79. Being inside when it’s storming outside
80. Maybe can clean really well this weekend
81. Maybe can get chimney cleaned this weekend too
82. Maybe. Only maybe. And that feels good.
83. Peaceful people.
84. Snow days. Wonder if we’ll get one this year
85. That I used to have a boat
86. Disney
87. Good books
88. Health magazines
89. That health board-game the kids are playing
90. Good DVDs
91. That I’m alive
92. And I’m grateful that I’m grateful to be alive
93. The OA Unity Marathon Saturday
94. And the meditation we did together.
95. The breathing game with the children
96. Good psychologists etc.
97. Multi-vitamins
98. Vita-mix – I don’t have one, but I’m grateful for them
99. The days I used to come home and J. would have a veggie/fruit juice freshly made for me.
100. Laughter. Especially deep belly laughter
Friday, February 24, 2012
oh. my. gosh. i. am
breathless.
met L
he took my breath away.
literally
typing very slowly
breathless
5 1/2 hours together
1st half nice
he's so cute and smart and a gentleman and art-scholarly (we were at museum)
nice
then he kissed me
oh my god
little sweet tender soft-lipped gentle kiss
and later again
later more
and more
and "real" kisses
i never dreampt i could ever have chemistry like this
i'm almost disappointed
because i'm not ready at all for a relationship
or sex
so i'm almost disappointed
almost
this man took my breath away
he is very sensuous and he light hand touches on my back and neck...and wrist...
i wound up standing in front of some of the best art in the world - with my eyes closed
he was as attracted to me as i to him
wow
when he walked me to my drop-off spot, he was standing in the pouring rain and i under an umbrella and we were kissing and he was kissing my mouth and neck -
and i said, this scene is going in my movie
i'm sure he knows he is leaving me breathless
and i am apparently doing the same to him
oh my god
so
what's next - don't know
MUST take it slow
MUST see others
MUST continue growing as self
but wow
just to be able to experience such a thing
i can honestly say this was one of the best days of my life
and
he likes me for me
and
i can honestly say that i am glad i didn't kill myself and miss out on THIS
and i do not care HOW dramatic that sounds. J. may not like that i feel things intensely, but it doesn't matter what J. likes.
wow
wow
I truly wish for anyone reading this, that you have a day as good as i had today. (and i was so scared i almost left and came home before meeting him - literally - and called M before got there and said, shaking, Please tell me that i am good enough because God made me period, and it won't matter what this jerk thinks." And she did.
and then he took my breath away
good night
met L
he took my breath away.
literally
typing very slowly
breathless
5 1/2 hours together
1st half nice
he's so cute and smart and a gentleman and art-scholarly (we were at museum)
nice
then he kissed me
oh my god
little sweet tender soft-lipped gentle kiss
and later again
later more
and more
and "real" kisses
i never dreampt i could ever have chemistry like this
i'm almost disappointed
because i'm not ready at all for a relationship
or sex
so i'm almost disappointed
almost
this man took my breath away
he is very sensuous and he light hand touches on my back and neck...and wrist...
i wound up standing in front of some of the best art in the world - with my eyes closed
he was as attracted to me as i to him
wow
when he walked me to my drop-off spot, he was standing in the pouring rain and i under an umbrella and we were kissing and he was kissing my mouth and neck -
and i said, this scene is going in my movie
i'm sure he knows he is leaving me breathless
and i am apparently doing the same to him
oh my god
so
what's next - don't know
MUST take it slow
MUST see others
MUST continue growing as self
but wow
just to be able to experience such a thing
i can honestly say this was one of the best days of my life
and
he likes me for me
and
i can honestly say that i am glad i didn't kill myself and miss out on THIS
and i do not care HOW dramatic that sounds. J. may not like that i feel things intensely, but it doesn't matter what J. likes.
wow
wow
I truly wish for anyone reading this, that you have a day as good as i had today. (and i was so scared i almost left and came home before meeting him - literally - and called M before got there and said, shaking, Please tell me that i am good enough because God made me period, and it won't matter what this jerk thinks." And she did.
and then he took my breath away
good night
Oh my gosh - my horoscope today!
"A sense that your life has finally reached a point of stability can influence your choices and behavior today. You may discover that you are energized by unfamiliar circumstances and unexpected opportunities rather than alarmed by them. The skills and talents you possess can strike you as particularly reliable today, and you may be eager to take those risks that will enable you to fulfill your purpose. Your confidence can also put you in a reflective mood, prompting you to consider carefully why you are now feeling a solid inner self-worth. You will likely find that you are merely reacting positively to your newly developed confidence in your self-reliance and security.
We thrive on stability and security because it is only when we feel confident in our lives and our aptitudes that we are able to reach beyond the arbitrary limitations we once set for ourselves in order to investigate the opportunities waiting for us in the unknown. Once we cast off the constraints of fear and uncertainty, we can march boldly into the realms that lie beyond our individual comfort zones. Our prospects become infinite because our eyes are opened to possibilities we would likely have been blind to in the past. As we need not waste time, energy, or resources worrying about what the future will bring, we can concentrate the whole of our focus on those tasks that will help us grow as individuals. The confidence you feel today will empower you to evolve in ways you never before considered possible."
We thrive on stability and security because it is only when we feel confident in our lives and our aptitudes that we are able to reach beyond the arbitrary limitations we once set for ourselves in order to investigate the opportunities waiting for us in the unknown. Once we cast off the constraints of fear and uncertainty, we can march boldly into the realms that lie beyond our individual comfort zones. Our prospects become infinite because our eyes are opened to possibilities we would likely have been blind to in the past. As we need not waste time, energy, or resources worrying about what the future will bring, we can concentrate the whole of our focus on those tasks that will help us grow as individuals. The confidence you feel today will empower you to evolve in ways you never before considered possible."
Affirmations
I am a creation of God.
I am a creature of God.
I belong to God.
God is in me.
I have dignity.
I quite naturally command respect.
I respect mySELF.
I am kind to others, but not at my own expense.
I am wonderfully healthy and happy!
I am wonderfully healthy and happy!
I am wonderfully healthy and happy!
God and the Universe are taking such perfect care of me!
All if perfect in my world!!!!
I am a creature of God.
I belong to God.
God is in me.
I have dignity.
I quite naturally command respect.
I respect mySELF.
I am kind to others, but not at my own expense.
I am wonderfully healthy and happy!
I am wonderfully healthy and happy!
I am wonderfully healthy and happy!
God and the Universe are taking such perfect care of me!
All if perfect in my world!!!!
CoDA
I feel:
Scared of the weather and the ride.
Nervous that he won't like me.
Nervous that I won't like him.
Really nervous that he'll, in his highly opinionated way, criticize me weight.
Guilty about not doing enough fun stuff with doggie.
Grateful that I am alive and as healthy as I am.
Feeling stronger than used to. By far. And very grateful for that.
Rushed.
Feeling that this should be a light little fun day - few hours - and will go quickly anyway, probably even too quickly.
Grateful for THN and meditationability
5 good things about me
1. I'm more confident than I used to be
2. I'm good enough at wording things for letters and report cards
3. I helped M. this morning
4. I am getting neater
5. I am not as dependent as I'd always thought!
Scared of the weather and the ride.
Nervous that he won't like me.
Nervous that I won't like him.
Really nervous that he'll, in his highly opinionated way, criticize me weight.
Guilty about not doing enough fun stuff with doggie.
Grateful that I am alive and as healthy as I am.
Feeling stronger than used to. By far. And very grateful for that.
Rushed.
Feeling that this should be a light little fun day - few hours - and will go quickly anyway, probably even too quickly.
Grateful for THN and meditationability
5 good things about me
1. I'm more confident than I used to be
2. I'm good enough at wording things for letters and report cards
3. I helped M. this morning
4. I am getting neater
5. I am not as dependent as I'd always thought!
Readings
For Today:
"We are apt to be very pert at censuring others, wher ewe will not endure advice ourselves." William Penn
"Recognition of my faults does not always save me from them. I find myself slipping into advice-giving, despite my distaste for someone else's advice and my conviction that we are not here to advise anyone.
When I make that mistake, I ask forgiveness of the person i tried to advise. that is the first step toward removal of this defect; and if I confess it to my group, I am even closer to attaining a measure of humility.
for today: People may seem to want my advice, but that is no reason for me to give it. In OA, I am just another member, not a counselor."
--
Voices of Recovery
"The illusions I had as a compulsive overeater were at the root of my illness. When exposed to the bright light of reality these ideas - my old illusions - crumble into dust and blow away." For Today p. 134
"I carried the illusions I brought with me to this program for many years. For example, if I were a 'good girl,' life would bring me no pain; when I married, I would be taken care of: i could control people, places, and things; being thin would solve all my problems; if I had enough willpower, I could stop eating.
When I came into Overeaters Anonymous, these illusion were exposed to the bright light of the Twelve Steps, and gradually they lost their hold over me. OA gave me the courage, hope, and clarity to face my life, one day at a time, without eating compulsively. Today I believe that living in reality carries with it the widest spectrum of feelings and challenges. when I keep the Twelve Steps, and gradually they lost their hold over me. OA gave me the courage, hope, and clarity to face my life, one day at a time, without eating compulsively. Today I believe that living in reality carries with it the widest spectrum of feelings and challenges. When I keep the Twelve Steps close at hand. I have a chance to experience the promises and gifts of this program.
--
In This Moment
"In This Moment, I love life.
It wasn't always so. After my husband died, I wrote a about about our marriage from the wedding to his death. I included everything I could remember, the bad as well as the good. In the year since I finished, I have gone back to reread it. I found that i left out a lot of the happy times. I was there but not there. I spent so much time thinking and talking about past resentments and projecting potential problems that I was sleepwalking through the present.
today, I live in the present. I like who i am and where I am. i enjoy each day and get the most out of it. I will never lose myself again. That's why I keep going to CoDA meetings and reading CoDA literature. Thanks to CoDA I have a life today.
--
The Language of Letting Go
"Recognizing Feelings
Experiencing feelings can be a challenge if we've had no previous experience or permission to do that. learning to identify what we're feeling is a challenge we can meet, but we will not become experts overnight. nor do we have to deal with our feelings perfectly.
Here are some ideas that might be helpful as you learn to recognize and edeal with feelings.
Take out a sheet of paper. On the top if ot write, 'If it was okay to feel whatever I'm feeling, and I wouldn't be judged as bad or wrong, what would i be feeling?' Then write whatever comes to mind. You can also use the favorite standby of many people in discovering their feelings: writing or journaling. you can keep a diary, write letters you don't intend to send, or just scribble thoughts onto a not pad.
Watch and listen to yourself as an objective third person. What do you hear? Sadness, fear, anger, happiness
What is your body telling you? Is it tense and rigid with anger? Running with fear? Heavy with sadness and grief? Dancing with joy?
Talking to people in recovery helps too. Going to meetings helps. once we feel safe, many of us find that we open up naturally and with ease to our feelings.
we are on a continual treasure hunt in recovery. one of the treasures we're seeking is the emotional part of ourselves. We don't have to do it perfectly. We need only be honest, open, adn willing to try. our emotions are there waiting to share themselves with us.
Today, I will watch myself and listen to myself as I go through my day. I will not judge myself for what I'm feeling; i will accept myself.
==
"We are apt to be very pert at censuring others, wher ewe will not endure advice ourselves." William Penn
"Recognition of my faults does not always save me from them. I find myself slipping into advice-giving, despite my distaste for someone else's advice and my conviction that we are not here to advise anyone.
When I make that mistake, I ask forgiveness of the person i tried to advise. that is the first step toward removal of this defect; and if I confess it to my group, I am even closer to attaining a measure of humility.
for today: People may seem to want my advice, but that is no reason for me to give it. In OA, I am just another member, not a counselor."
--
Voices of Recovery
"The illusions I had as a compulsive overeater were at the root of my illness. When exposed to the bright light of reality these ideas - my old illusions - crumble into dust and blow away." For Today p. 134
"I carried the illusions I brought with me to this program for many years. For example, if I were a 'good girl,' life would bring me no pain; when I married, I would be taken care of: i could control people, places, and things; being thin would solve all my problems; if I had enough willpower, I could stop eating.
When I came into Overeaters Anonymous, these illusion were exposed to the bright light of the Twelve Steps, and gradually they lost their hold over me. OA gave me the courage, hope, and clarity to face my life, one day at a time, without eating compulsively. Today I believe that living in reality carries with it the widest spectrum of feelings and challenges. when I keep the Twelve Steps, and gradually they lost their hold over me. OA gave me the courage, hope, and clarity to face my life, one day at a time, without eating compulsively. Today I believe that living in reality carries with it the widest spectrum of feelings and challenges. When I keep the Twelve Steps close at hand. I have a chance to experience the promises and gifts of this program.
--
In This Moment
"In This Moment, I love life.
It wasn't always so. After my husband died, I wrote a about about our marriage from the wedding to his death. I included everything I could remember, the bad as well as the good. In the year since I finished, I have gone back to reread it. I found that i left out a lot of the happy times. I was there but not there. I spent so much time thinking and talking about past resentments and projecting potential problems that I was sleepwalking through the present.
today, I live in the present. I like who i am and where I am. i enjoy each day and get the most out of it. I will never lose myself again. That's why I keep going to CoDA meetings and reading CoDA literature. Thanks to CoDA I have a life today.
--
The Language of Letting Go
"Recognizing Feelings
Experiencing feelings can be a challenge if we've had no previous experience or permission to do that. learning to identify what we're feeling is a challenge we can meet, but we will not become experts overnight. nor do we have to deal with our feelings perfectly.
Here are some ideas that might be helpful as you learn to recognize and edeal with feelings.
Take out a sheet of paper. On the top if ot write, 'If it was okay to feel whatever I'm feeling, and I wouldn't be judged as bad or wrong, what would i be feeling?' Then write whatever comes to mind. You can also use the favorite standby of many people in discovering their feelings: writing or journaling. you can keep a diary, write letters you don't intend to send, or just scribble thoughts onto a not pad.
Watch and listen to yourself as an objective third person. What do you hear? Sadness, fear, anger, happiness
What is your body telling you? Is it tense and rigid with anger? Running with fear? Heavy with sadness and grief? Dancing with joy?
Talking to people in recovery helps too. Going to meetings helps. once we feel safe, many of us find that we open up naturally and with ease to our feelings.
we are on a continual treasure hunt in recovery. one of the treasures we're seeking is the emotional part of ourselves. We don't have to do it perfectly. We need only be honest, open, adn willing to try. our emotions are there waiting to share themselves with us.
Today, I will watch myself and listen to myself as I go through my day. I will not judge myself for what I'm feeling; i will accept myself.
==
Grats
I am grateful:
1. Doggie slept against me in early am
2. I woke up
3. I thought of God right away
4. I am grateful that my eyes opened and I could see
5. I am grateful that I walked unaided to the bathroom. I remember when I couldn’t. And, my mom needs a walker now. I appreciate this day, when I can
6. I am grateful that I have my “date” today. (Even though I barely slept!)
7. That this is the first first-date I’ve ever had. Because it’s not about need.
8. That I gave doggie that great walk yesterday.
9. Warmth. It’s a little chilly here this morning; I’m wrapped in a blanket. And so I’m grateful for warmth.
10. That my accident wasn’t worse the other night.
11. That I’ll probably be safe today, even with the bad weather for my commute: (
12. That he’s probably not a serial killer and I’ll probably be safe with/from him too…
13. I’m grateful for my daily readings
14. And that I’m able to afford treats for doggie
15. And that J and I are getting along so well about her! Phew
16. And that he’ll have her while I’m in England
17. It’s so good. I get to be with her. I enjoy her. She enjoys me. But more days than not, I’m not with her, and when so depleted from work, don’t have to take care of her. I wish I could do this all my life with “pets!”
18. French lesson yesterday
19. Healthy whole wheat vegan pizza. Must learn how to make it (haven’t had since J made)
20. Words. I love to listen to them, say them, read them, and write them.
21. I even had a dream about them last night.
22. And about a painting I’d like to make!
23. And I think I SHALL make it! Wow.
24. My voice
25. My throat
26. That I’ve come to appreciate my body
27. That I wrote to other guys last night. Expanding my world a little. Do NOT want sex or a “relationship.” For real! But a lunch, or a movie…Plus both therapists think I should
28. “Security” that DOES work where/when it does work.
29. That my innocent little students think so many things are “bad words.” Like “stupid,” or “heck.”
30. And that means their parents are keeping them young in some ways, at least. Appropriately.
31. Tv. Sorry but true
32. My coffee this morning.
33. Waggedy tail on doggie
34. When her whole body seems to waggle – she looks like a goldfish
35. And right now, she is rolling all around on the hardwood (polished not splintery) floor. SO cute! Thank God for her and all of them.
36. That although I’m still sensitive, there’s a piece of me that doesn’t have to overdo it anymore.
37. My OA sponsor
38. Artichokes
39. Being so much less afraid than I used to be
40. Doing for myself some now. Like fun and good-for-me stuff. Not just work-and-have-to-d-stuff
41. That I’ll get to watch some of the Oscar red carpet Sunday. I enjoy that.
42. My new pocketbook
43. My new wallet
44. My coins for the bus. That I DID get to the bank for them.
45. My new French picture books.
46. Teacher showed me – Thich Nhat Hahn online speaking French! (With little translator)
47. And she, my teacher, translating the meditation words for me! It’s so beautiful.
48. The internet.
49. Jokes
50. Riddles
51. Peaceful nations.
52. Peaceful individual.
53. My online prayer community.
54. NICE men
55. NICE women
56. People who just are nice to each other.
57. And wish others to be.
58. And teach children to be.
59. Antibiotics when needed.
60. Free association.
61. Non-sequitors. Yup.
62. My French teacher and I were able to have like a sentence back and forth, like twice.
63. We’ve started some grammar.
64. She finds my pronunciation very good.
65. And she’s very impressed with how well I do with numbers.
66. I love saying those French words/sentences. It just feels so good to me.
67. Already spoke with M this morning.
68. Keeping the house pretty neat
69. Nice neighbors
70. Backyard.
71. Teeny little broken concrete slab – deck? Terrace? I don’t even know what to call it. But I can put a little table and plants on it come summer or late spring! : )
72. I do think it is possible that J and I can be fair and decent to each other regarding money.
73. M is sick: ( BUT she is not emotionally upset this week because so much time with her girls
74. Even when I can’t do everything I feel I need to, I manage to do the minimum.
75. So the report cards WILL get in on time. (Don’t know how. But then, they always have).
76. And the house WILL stay neat
77. Nice hand soaps
78. Softening cream
79. I happen to know that I’m getting a massage coupon for my birthday from 2 friends! Yay.
80. Tomorrow I’ll take my mother to the bank and shopping.
81. I called her yesterday and told her the nice things the teller said about her yesterday.
82. And that helped her feel good.
83. Her dear friend, M.
84. Sunday I have lunch with 3 friends. Four of us. It should be good (not the food – don’t care – me?! – but the time together).
85. Talk with sponsor – “I am not a freak.” Every addict (and I’m a food addict) thinks this.
86. Wow. Sponsor was just telling me about laundry day today. And not loving but it’s fine. And how “if someone came over and knocked on my door right now and said, ‘I’ll do it for you,’ I’d say no. Because it’s something I have to do for myself. It’s important that I do these things for myself.”
87. I learn so much from sponsor.
88. Like again today. That there will be some ecstatic times. And there will be some down times. But mostly okay. Just plain old okay. And that’s good.
89. That I’m not cancelling today. Even though I do have fears about the ride in this weather. But am able to say to myself, “That’s from an old tape. Let it go if you can, Honey.”
90. Yes, that I can say it gently to myself too.
91. That I am DOING my morning work today. I’m nervous, stomach and all. But DOING.
92. Even though they look tiny today because I didn’t sleep much at all : (, that I do have expressive eyes.
93. The French word, “lorsque.” I can’t remember what it means. But I love the sound of it.
94. And my favorite word in all the world: “etre.” I just love that sound!
95. Deep breath just came. Not all the way to navel. But pretty deep. First one so far today. Good.
96. L will get there before I do.
97. I don’t have a decent coat. Am wearing an old woods-coat J left here! But – I won’t wear that today. Will wear cuter but not nearly as warm coat. And will layer.
98. The movie, “The King’s Speech.”
99. And now, a deeper breath. Thank you, God.
100. People who pray for each other.
101. People who pray for me. SO grateful for that. For them. For them doing that.
1. Doggie slept against me in early am
2. I woke up
3. I thought of God right away
4. I am grateful that my eyes opened and I could see
5. I am grateful that I walked unaided to the bathroom. I remember when I couldn’t. And, my mom needs a walker now. I appreciate this day, when I can
6. I am grateful that I have my “date” today. (Even though I barely slept!)
7. That this is the first first-date I’ve ever had. Because it’s not about need.
8. That I gave doggie that great walk yesterday.
9. Warmth. It’s a little chilly here this morning; I’m wrapped in a blanket. And so I’m grateful for warmth.
10. That my accident wasn’t worse the other night.
11. That I’ll probably be safe today, even with the bad weather for my commute: (
12. That he’s probably not a serial killer and I’ll probably be safe with/from him too…
13. I’m grateful for my daily readings
14. And that I’m able to afford treats for doggie
15. And that J and I are getting along so well about her! Phew
16. And that he’ll have her while I’m in England
17. It’s so good. I get to be with her. I enjoy her. She enjoys me. But more days than not, I’m not with her, and when so depleted from work, don’t have to take care of her. I wish I could do this all my life with “pets!”
18. French lesson yesterday
19. Healthy whole wheat vegan pizza. Must learn how to make it (haven’t had since J made)
20. Words. I love to listen to them, say them, read them, and write them.
21. I even had a dream about them last night.
22. And about a painting I’d like to make!
23. And I think I SHALL make it! Wow.
24. My voice
25. My throat
26. That I’ve come to appreciate my body
27. That I wrote to other guys last night. Expanding my world a little. Do NOT want sex or a “relationship.” For real! But a lunch, or a movie…Plus both therapists think I should
28. “Security” that DOES work where/when it does work.
29. That my innocent little students think so many things are “bad words.” Like “stupid,” or “heck.”
30. And that means their parents are keeping them young in some ways, at least. Appropriately.
31. Tv. Sorry but true
32. My coffee this morning.
33. Waggedy tail on doggie
34. When her whole body seems to waggle – she looks like a goldfish
35. And right now, she is rolling all around on the hardwood (polished not splintery) floor. SO cute! Thank God for her and all of them.
36. That although I’m still sensitive, there’s a piece of me that doesn’t have to overdo it anymore.
37. My OA sponsor
38. Artichokes
39. Being so much less afraid than I used to be
40. Doing for myself some now. Like fun and good-for-me stuff. Not just work-and-have-to-d-stuff
41. That I’ll get to watch some of the Oscar red carpet Sunday. I enjoy that.
42. My new pocketbook
43. My new wallet
44. My coins for the bus. That I DID get to the bank for them.
45. My new French picture books.
46. Teacher showed me – Thich Nhat Hahn online speaking French! (With little translator)
47. And she, my teacher, translating the meditation words for me! It’s so beautiful.
48. The internet.
49. Jokes
50. Riddles
51. Peaceful nations.
52. Peaceful individual.
53. My online prayer community.
54. NICE men
55. NICE women
56. People who just are nice to each other.
57. And wish others to be.
58. And teach children to be.
59. Antibiotics when needed.
60. Free association.
61. Non-sequitors. Yup.
62. My French teacher and I were able to have like a sentence back and forth, like twice.
63. We’ve started some grammar.
64. She finds my pronunciation very good.
65. And she’s very impressed with how well I do with numbers.
66. I love saying those French words/sentences. It just feels so good to me.
67. Already spoke with M this morning.
68. Keeping the house pretty neat
69. Nice neighbors
70. Backyard.
71. Teeny little broken concrete slab – deck? Terrace? I don’t even know what to call it. But I can put a little table and plants on it come summer or late spring! : )
72. I do think it is possible that J and I can be fair and decent to each other regarding money.
73. M is sick: ( BUT she is not emotionally upset this week because so much time with her girls
74. Even when I can’t do everything I feel I need to, I manage to do the minimum.
75. So the report cards WILL get in on time. (Don’t know how. But then, they always have).
76. And the house WILL stay neat
77. Nice hand soaps
78. Softening cream
79. I happen to know that I’m getting a massage coupon for my birthday from 2 friends! Yay.
80. Tomorrow I’ll take my mother to the bank and shopping.
81. I called her yesterday and told her the nice things the teller said about her yesterday.
82. And that helped her feel good.
83. Her dear friend, M.
84. Sunday I have lunch with 3 friends. Four of us. It should be good (not the food – don’t care – me?! – but the time together).
85. Talk with sponsor – “I am not a freak.” Every addict (and I’m a food addict) thinks this.
86. Wow. Sponsor was just telling me about laundry day today. And not loving but it’s fine. And how “if someone came over and knocked on my door right now and said, ‘I’ll do it for you,’ I’d say no. Because it’s something I have to do for myself. It’s important that I do these things for myself.”
87. I learn so much from sponsor.
88. Like again today. That there will be some ecstatic times. And there will be some down times. But mostly okay. Just plain old okay. And that’s good.
89. That I’m not cancelling today. Even though I do have fears about the ride in this weather. But am able to say to myself, “That’s from an old tape. Let it go if you can, Honey.”
90. Yes, that I can say it gently to myself too.
91. That I am DOING my morning work today. I’m nervous, stomach and all. But DOING.
92. Even though they look tiny today because I didn’t sleep much at all : (, that I do have expressive eyes.
93. The French word, “lorsque.” I can’t remember what it means. But I love the sound of it.
94. And my favorite word in all the world: “etre.” I just love that sound!
95. Deep breath just came. Not all the way to navel. But pretty deep. First one so far today. Good.
96. L will get there before I do.
97. I don’t have a decent coat. Am wearing an old woods-coat J left here! But – I won’t wear that today. Will wear cuter but not nearly as warm coat. And will layer.
98. The movie, “The King’s Speech.”
99. And now, a deeper breath. Thank you, God.
100. People who pray for each other.
101. People who pray for me. SO grateful for that. For them. For them doing that.
Holy Moly - It's Actually My FIRST Date!
Well, at 14, my other first date, I was in NEED.
My mother was crazy.
I felt defective.
The boy was very handsome.
He chose me.
He even had a present for me, personalized with my name. ID bracelet - they were in at the time. Dainty and pretty.
And he kissed me. Mouths closed. And he had kind of large lips and it felt like heaven. Mostly, I felt - yup - safe.
So I spent the next 4 years NEEDING him. (Or so I thought).
And so it was
again and again
Today is my first date.
As in,
someone wants to see me today, and I him, and it might be fun,
****and I need NOTHING from him - so I have nothing to lose -
I am an adult, getting there on my own, to maybe have a nice time.
Wow.
My mother was crazy.
I felt defective.
The boy was very handsome.
He chose me.
He even had a present for me, personalized with my name. ID bracelet - they were in at the time. Dainty and pretty.
And he kissed me. Mouths closed. And he had kind of large lips and it felt like heaven. Mostly, I felt - yup - safe.
So I spent the next 4 years NEEDING him. (Or so I thought).
And so it was
again and again
Today is my first date.
As in,
someone wants to see me today, and I him, and it might be fun,
****and I need NOTHING from him - so I have nothing to lose -
I am an adult, getting there on my own, to maybe have a nice time.
Wow.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Tomorrow is my date! And
I have sent my pic to 2 - 3 other guys.
2 have already written to me that they think I'm pretty!
omg!
had hair cut and colored today (on schedule)
did NOT spend on mani or pedi or massage
only wish did the massage lol
it's just a date
not the "first-date-in-over-20-years"
just a friendly, in-public, daytime date
and i truly DON'T want anything from this guy, except to not be totally rejected because he finds me repulsive - + i'd rather not lose our fun fun corespondence
but it's just a date
i'll sit on a comfy bus
i'll meet him
we'll see some exhibits
we'll have a bite or tea
he'll walk me to the bus stop
i'll sit on the bus
i'll be home
i can do this
i can do this
:)
and at very worst it will be a learning growing experience
and
it might even be fun:)
2 have already written to me that they think I'm pretty!
omg!
had hair cut and colored today (on schedule)
did NOT spend on mani or pedi or massage
only wish did the massage lol
it's just a date
not the "first-date-in-over-20-years"
just a friendly, in-public, daytime date
and i truly DON'T want anything from this guy, except to not be totally rejected because he finds me repulsive - + i'd rather not lose our fun fun corespondence
but it's just a date
i'll sit on a comfy bus
i'll meet him
we'll see some exhibits
we'll have a bite or tea
he'll walk me to the bus stop
i'll sit on the bus
i'll be home
i can do this
i can do this
:)
and at very worst it will be a learning growing experience
and
it might even be fun:)
Wow. What's happening is
I am becoming a full person.
I never really did when I lived on my own before J.
I think it was only for a VERY short time that I even THOUGHT I did.
Gulp,
Mostly, I knew I was pretending.
And so everything - EVERYTHING - I did, was about what J would see/know/love/approve of.
Ex. when he was living across the country and I was going to weight watchers (although I looked great, but wanted to lose a few pounds),
really
in my heart of hearts
I most liked 'TELLING HIM' I was going.
I liked that he SAW/FELT/KNEW/BELIEVED
even when he lived here in this town,
that I had all these things going on - this singing and that conducting and that piano playing and the other teaching and these friends and that embroidering and the ww, ...
Itwasn'treal.
iwasntreal.
--
But - just now,
as I was walking doggie around the area on her leash,
I felt -
I FELT -
myself.
MY legs
MY thoughts
MY okay-in-this-moment.
So although I hate that this has happened, and I do(!),
I *know* that at this time, I am growing a self. I am growing as myself. I will be better and better. Happier and happier.
It will happen.
It IS happening.
Amen.
I never really did when I lived on my own before J.
I think it was only for a VERY short time that I even THOUGHT I did.
Gulp,
Mostly, I knew I was pretending.
And so everything - EVERYTHING - I did, was about what J would see/know/love/approve of.
Ex. when he was living across the country and I was going to weight watchers (although I looked great, but wanted to lose a few pounds),
really
in my heart of hearts
I most liked 'TELLING HIM' I was going.
I liked that he SAW/FELT/KNEW/BELIEVED
even when he lived here in this town,
that I had all these things going on - this singing and that conducting and that piano playing and the other teaching and these friends and that embroidering and the ww, ...
Itwasn'treal.
iwasntreal.
--
But - just now,
as I was walking doggie around the area on her leash,
I felt -
I FELT -
myself.
MY legs
MY thoughts
MY okay-in-this-moment.
So although I hate that this has happened, and I do(!),
I *know* that at this time, I am growing a self. I am growing as myself. I will be better and better. Happier and happier.
It will happen.
It IS happening.
Amen.
Affirmations
I am made my God
I am as worthy as anybody
I love my life!
I am happy!
All is well!
All is great!
All will be great!
I am as worthy as anybody
I love my life!
I am happy!
All is well!
All is great!
All will be great!
CoDA
I feel:
guilty about doggie - not giving her enough time
excited about French, England, possible rain forest
girly - finally
rushed - so much to do and it's so late already - and this is supposed to be a day off!
stressed about report cards!
bad about mother - oy
relieved in a million ways
very grateful
5 good things about me
i am a decent person
i am well-spoken
i am at the top of my profession
i am empathetic
i am fun sometimes
guilty about doggie - not giving her enough time
excited about French, England, possible rain forest
girly - finally
rushed - so much to do and it's so late already - and this is supposed to be a day off!
stressed about report cards!
bad about mother - oy
relieved in a million ways
very grateful
5 good things about me
i am a decent person
i am well-spoken
i am at the top of my profession
i am empathetic
i am fun sometimes
Readings
For Today:
"Nothing is to be had for nothing." Epictetus
"Why is it so much harder for me? I go to meetins, but I still don't have what attracted me in the fist place. Let me look honestly at what I'm doing and failing to do:
-Do I have a sponsor - one who has what I want/
-Do I really listen at meetings, and try to contribute?
-Am I working the program beyond step three?
-Am I trying to practice the principles of the program at home and at work as well as in OA
-Do I have a personal concept of a higher power that works for me?
-Am I still trying to diet, i.e. manipulate and control muyfood and my weight?
-do I follow suggestions such as 'weigh only once a month'?
-have I ever called a newcomer, or another OA member/
-Do I give some form of service?
-Do I ever express gratitude for having come this far?
For today: I can begin now to follow those directions that seem to work for others, and that I have been resisting.
--
Voices of Recovery
"Just for today i will have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective on my life." Just For Today
"When I was new in OA, my sponsor suggested that, at a minimum, I give God the first fifteen minutes of each morning as my Step Eleven. She said that if I did, god would take care of the rest of the day, including my abstinence. I did that minimum, and my life improved. Soon it became obvious that I needed the willingness to do more than the minimum - in every aspect of my recovery. As a result, I learned to carry Step Eleven from the sacred space of my morning into every aspect of my day: shopping, working, cooking, eating, and even standing in line at the post office.
The more we do, the more we get back. As I began, to the very best of my ability, to practice spiritual principles in all my affairs, miracles of healing began to happen. I became eager to try everything my sponsor and the Big Book suggested. Abstinence became easy, and I became hungry for a principle-based life. The miracles kept happening and have never stopped. It really does work when we work it!"
I know for me, I need to do lots more than 15 minutes. Maybe I'm a certain kind of sick... But that's okay! I'm happy to find the time since it's helping me so much. And maybe through me, others!
--
In This Moment
"In This Moment, I feel sane and serene.
The first time I faced Step Two, I had trouble believing that a Higher Power could change my life. yet, I saw lives that had been transformed. In the rooms, I heard people share that their lives had once been as desolate as mine. Yet, they seemed to have something that I did not. I came to believe that whatever caused the change in them could cause the same changes in me. At first, I made my Twelve Step group my Higher Power, This gave me a start. As time went by and i progressed through the Twelve Steps, I began to notice that I was changing. I came to believe in a power greater than myself. And I found serenity."
--
The Language of Letting Go
"Strength
"We don't always have to be STRONG to be strong. Sometimes, our strength is expressed in being vulnerable. Sometimes, we need to fall apart to regroup and stay on track.
We all have days when we cannot push any harder, cannot hold back self-doubt, cannot stop focusing on fear, cannot be STRONG.
There are days when we cannot focus on being responsible. Occasionally we don't want to get out of our pajamas. Sometimes we cry in front of people. We expose our tiredness, irritability, or anger.
Those days are okay. They are just okay.
Part of taking care of ourselves means we give ourselves permission to 'fall apart' when we need to. We do not have to be perpetual towers of strength. We are strong. We have proven that. Our strength will continue if we allow ourselves the courage to feel scared, weak, and vulnerable when we need to experience those feelings.
Today, God, help me to know that it is okay to allow myself to be human. Help me not to feel guilty or punish myself when i need to 'fall apart.'"
Wow. That's hard. I feel apart far too much and am really trying not to.
Hmmmm.
==
"Nothing is to be had for nothing." Epictetus
"Why is it so much harder for me? I go to meetins, but I still don't have what attracted me in the fist place. Let me look honestly at what I'm doing and failing to do:
-Do I have a sponsor - one who has what I want/
-Do I really listen at meetings, and try to contribute?
-Am I working the program beyond step three?
-Am I trying to practice the principles of the program at home and at work as well as in OA
-Do I have a personal concept of a higher power that works for me?
-Am I still trying to diet, i.e. manipulate and control muyfood and my weight?
-do I follow suggestions such as 'weigh only once a month'?
-have I ever called a newcomer, or another OA member/
-Do I give some form of service?
-Do I ever express gratitude for having come this far?
For today: I can begin now to follow those directions that seem to work for others, and that I have been resisting.
--
Voices of Recovery
"Just for today i will have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective on my life." Just For Today
"When I was new in OA, my sponsor suggested that, at a minimum, I give God the first fifteen minutes of each morning as my Step Eleven. She said that if I did, god would take care of the rest of the day, including my abstinence. I did that minimum, and my life improved. Soon it became obvious that I needed the willingness to do more than the minimum - in every aspect of my recovery. As a result, I learned to carry Step Eleven from the sacred space of my morning into every aspect of my day: shopping, working, cooking, eating, and even standing in line at the post office.
The more we do, the more we get back. As I began, to the very best of my ability, to practice spiritual principles in all my affairs, miracles of healing began to happen. I became eager to try everything my sponsor and the Big Book suggested. Abstinence became easy, and I became hungry for a principle-based life. The miracles kept happening and have never stopped. It really does work when we work it!"
I know for me, I need to do lots more than 15 minutes. Maybe I'm a certain kind of sick... But that's okay! I'm happy to find the time since it's helping me so much. And maybe through me, others!
--
In This Moment
"In This Moment, I feel sane and serene.
The first time I faced Step Two, I had trouble believing that a Higher Power could change my life. yet, I saw lives that had been transformed. In the rooms, I heard people share that their lives had once been as desolate as mine. Yet, they seemed to have something that I did not. I came to believe that whatever caused the change in them could cause the same changes in me. At first, I made my Twelve Step group my Higher Power, This gave me a start. As time went by and i progressed through the Twelve Steps, I began to notice that I was changing. I came to believe in a power greater than myself. And I found serenity."
--
The Language of Letting Go
"Strength
"We don't always have to be STRONG to be strong. Sometimes, our strength is expressed in being vulnerable. Sometimes, we need to fall apart to regroup and stay on track.
We all have days when we cannot push any harder, cannot hold back self-doubt, cannot stop focusing on fear, cannot be STRONG.
There are days when we cannot focus on being responsible. Occasionally we don't want to get out of our pajamas. Sometimes we cry in front of people. We expose our tiredness, irritability, or anger.
Those days are okay. They are just okay.
Part of taking care of ourselves means we give ourselves permission to 'fall apart' when we need to. We do not have to be perpetual towers of strength. We are strong. We have proven that. Our strength will continue if we allow ourselves the courage to feel scared, weak, and vulnerable when we need to experience those feelings.
Today, God, help me to know that it is okay to allow myself to be human. Help me not to feel guilty or punish myself when i need to 'fall apart.'"
Wow. That's hard. I feel apart far too much and am really trying not to.
Hmmmm.
==
Grats
I am grateful:
1. 7 degrees of separation from Beethoven!
2. Great Thai food last night
3. With K
4. Dr’s advice about eating and other ways to deal with stress
5. Plum wine, 2/3 glass and yum
6. Feeling okay
7. When I don’t look to the past, or to the future, *this * day is really always okay
8. I had an accident: ( Car has little dent. But barely noticeable and should’t rust and not hurt and for that I’m grateful
9. My CoDA sponsor
10. My OA sponsor
11. My piano teacher
12. Hummus
13. Spelt bread
14. Water
15. Fresh coffee this am
16. M called
17. E-mails. Nice ones
18. Including L’s
19. Will get hair cut today
20. And colored
21. And fix new pocketbook and wallet! : )
22. And will have French lesson today too!
23. Watched French movie last night
24. Will get change today for tomorrow
25. Think might REALLY treat self. To mani/pedi or even massage today!
26. And some doggie time
27. And date tomorrow
28. Got French movie last night and watched it by self. Didn’t like it at all, but glad DID it.
29. My eye drops
30. My anti-depressant
31. That I sleep
32. Interesting dreams all my life
33. Fresh fruit
34. The wooden bowl
35. My Royal Doultons
36. My father’s honesty
37. My piece of driftwood
38. Opportunity to possibly study for few days in rain forest with M this summer!!!!
39. My new French picture books from library
40. Vitamins
41. Exercise
42. Potential
43. Hope
44. The adorable, fabulous, fun for them (and me), creative, learning rap the two classes did with me
45. Classical music
46. Colored diamonds. I don’t have any, of course! I just like looking at them. And in some cases, even pictures of them
47. Teas. I love black tea
48. And Earl Grey tea
49. And Lady Grey tea
50. And green tea
51. And vanilla tea
52. And cherry bark ta
53. And red chai tea or is it called ruby chai
54. Jo for helping me with technology
55. My sense of humor
56. God
57. Buddha
58. Thich Nhat Hahn
59. And that I’m going to be with him soon!
60. Shoes
61. My new lacy grey stockings - discounted
62. My new nice hand soap – discounted
63. My new nice bubble bath – discounted
64. My new makeup – new look – updated
65. My face cream
66. My eye cream
67. My hands
68. Reiki
69. Piano
70. Typing and how it relaxes me
71. Dry whole grain bread. Nothing on it.
72. Lamps
73. Book lights. I need one. But I’m grateful they exist.
74. ***I have a lot of good stuff inside me. I had squelched it for so long. But it USED TO be there. And it’s there again. (So I guess it’s always been there).
75. Like interests
76. Talents
77. Fun
78. Humor
79. Intelligence
80. Open-mindedness
81. Abilities
82. Capabilities
83. Some calm
84. Empathy
85. ****Fairness.
86. The high school Social Studies teacher – the most respected teacher in our school – writing in my yearbook, “Lynn, you have a keen sense of justice. Hold onto it. The world needs it.”
87. That in talking with O the other day about how I’m just beginning to feel like a person – you know, my will-they-take-my-garbage issues, and the whole passport business, and she has seen it all, she said: You realize, no one would expect this of you. It’s not at all how you come across. I know you very well. And of course I know what you’ve gone through/go through. But people would have a hard time even believing it. You are so eloquent, and accomplished, and funny, and friendly… No one would believe it. That was nice.
88. She even said I can *seem * confident.
89. And J used to say these same things for me
90. Wow. I’m so sorry I took it all for granted. But I am grateful for how cherished I was for so long.
91. Okay. Upbeat, upbeat, come on. Um. I’m grateful that I can speak. I remember when I couldn’t (physical problems)
92. And that I can walk. I remember when I couldn’t (accident)
93. And that I made it fine through my surgeries
94. And that I’m vegan.
95. And that I HAVE that choice to me. Not like, scrounging through garbages for any bite to keep me alive for another day.
96. And that I’m not being forced to read the book my book group is reading right now. Because I don’t want to put that in my head. And they’re accepting that. Phew.
97. I did not at all feel like doing gratitudes today. I’m grateful for how quickly they’re coming to me.
98. I WILL organize my trip papers and my tomorrow stuff today.
99. Colors. I’ve come to love bright cheerful happy colors
100. The blue of the sky.
101. That I’m grateful.
1. 7 degrees of separation from Beethoven!
2. Great Thai food last night
3. With K
4. Dr’s advice about eating and other ways to deal with stress
5. Plum wine, 2/3 glass and yum
6. Feeling okay
7. When I don’t look to the past, or to the future, *this * day is really always okay
8. I had an accident: ( Car has little dent. But barely noticeable and should’t rust and not hurt and for that I’m grateful
9. My CoDA sponsor
10. My OA sponsor
11. My piano teacher
12. Hummus
13. Spelt bread
14. Water
15. Fresh coffee this am
16. M called
17. E-mails. Nice ones
18. Including L’s
19. Will get hair cut today
20. And colored
21. And fix new pocketbook and wallet! : )
22. And will have French lesson today too!
23. Watched French movie last night
24. Will get change today for tomorrow
25. Think might REALLY treat self. To mani/pedi or even massage today!
26. And some doggie time
27. And date tomorrow
28. Got French movie last night and watched it by self. Didn’t like it at all, but glad DID it.
29. My eye drops
30. My anti-depressant
31. That I sleep
32. Interesting dreams all my life
33. Fresh fruit
34. The wooden bowl
35. My Royal Doultons
36. My father’s honesty
37. My piece of driftwood
38. Opportunity to possibly study for few days in rain forest with M this summer!!!!
39. My new French picture books from library
40. Vitamins
41. Exercise
42. Potential
43. Hope
44. The adorable, fabulous, fun for them (and me), creative, learning rap the two classes did with me
45. Classical music
46. Colored diamonds. I don’t have any, of course! I just like looking at them. And in some cases, even pictures of them
47. Teas. I love black tea
48. And Earl Grey tea
49. And Lady Grey tea
50. And green tea
51. And vanilla tea
52. And cherry bark ta
53. And red chai tea or is it called ruby chai
54. Jo for helping me with technology
55. My sense of humor
56. God
57. Buddha
58. Thich Nhat Hahn
59. And that I’m going to be with him soon!
60. Shoes
61. My new lacy grey stockings - discounted
62. My new nice hand soap – discounted
63. My new nice bubble bath – discounted
64. My new makeup – new look – updated
65. My face cream
66. My eye cream
67. My hands
68. Reiki
69. Piano
70. Typing and how it relaxes me
71. Dry whole grain bread. Nothing on it.
72. Lamps
73. Book lights. I need one. But I’m grateful they exist.
74. ***I have a lot of good stuff inside me. I had squelched it for so long. But it USED TO be there. And it’s there again. (So I guess it’s always been there).
75. Like interests
76. Talents
77. Fun
78. Humor
79. Intelligence
80. Open-mindedness
81. Abilities
82. Capabilities
83. Some calm
84. Empathy
85. ****Fairness.
86. The high school Social Studies teacher – the most respected teacher in our school – writing in my yearbook, “Lynn, you have a keen sense of justice. Hold onto it. The world needs it.”
87. That in talking with O the other day about how I’m just beginning to feel like a person – you know, my will-they-take-my-garbage issues, and the whole passport business, and she has seen it all, she said: You realize, no one would expect this of you. It’s not at all how you come across. I know you very well. And of course I know what you’ve gone through/go through. But people would have a hard time even believing it. You are so eloquent, and accomplished, and funny, and friendly… No one would believe it. That was nice.
88. She even said I can *seem * confident.
89. And J used to say these same things for me
90. Wow. I’m so sorry I took it all for granted. But I am grateful for how cherished I was for so long.
91. Okay. Upbeat, upbeat, come on. Um. I’m grateful that I can speak. I remember when I couldn’t (physical problems)
92. And that I can walk. I remember when I couldn’t (accident)
93. And that I made it fine through my surgeries
94. And that I’m vegan.
95. And that I HAVE that choice to me. Not like, scrounging through garbages for any bite to keep me alive for another day.
96. And that I’m not being forced to read the book my book group is reading right now. Because I don’t want to put that in my head. And they’re accepting that. Phew.
97. I did not at all feel like doing gratitudes today. I’m grateful for how quickly they’re coming to me.
98. I WILL organize my trip papers and my tomorrow stuff today.
99. Colors. I’ve come to love bright cheerful happy colors
100. The blue of the sky.
101. That I’m grateful.
7 Degrees of Beethoveration!
I just found out that I am 7 degrees of separation from Beethoven! Not genetically, but musically!
Beethoven
taught Czerny, who taught
Lizst, who taught
Zilot, who taught
Zak, who taught
Feltsman, who taught
my teacher, whose name I shouldn't put here, who teaches
me
The influence does get handed down
You may know that Feltsman has contributed a tremendous amount to the world of classical music.
And in my humble opinion, Beethoven changed it for all time!
And I am in the direct tree of his teaching lineage.
This excites me very much!
Beethoven
taught Czerny, who taught
Lizst, who taught
Zilot, who taught
Zak, who taught
Feltsman, who taught
my teacher, whose name I shouldn't put here, who teaches
me
The influence does get handed down
You may know that Feltsman has contributed a tremendous amount to the world of classical music.
And in my humble opinion, Beethoven changed it for all time!
And I am in the direct tree of his teaching lineage.
This excites me very much!
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Affirmations
I am good
I am enough
I am good enough
I am loved
I am lovable
I am a creation of God Himself
I am important in this world
I am happy
God and the universe are taking perfect care of me
*I* am taking perfect care of me!
I am filled with light, joy, and happiness!
I am enough
I am good enough
I am loved
I am lovable
I am a creation of God Himself
I am important in this world
I am happy
God and the universe are taking perfect care of me
*I* am taking perfect care of me!
I am filled with light, joy, and happiness!
CoDA Morning Work Today
I feel:
Vibrant, sacred - God, content with my life this day, alive, open to other people, capable of going to England!, upset in the apple-cart-upset way like unsettled because of the J. changed, safe - God, whole (!), healthy, cheerful, worthy (because we all are), forgiven by J, sane, OPTIMISTIC - ME!, calm in terms of looking forward to the rest of my day ahhhhh, unencumbered in some ways, proud of my accomplishments, loving to people, gifted in some ways, divine and blessed in a million ways, wise way inside, hopeful yay!, humble as in equal to all no more and no less, willing in all ways, empowered by all of this, better than wanting to throw self under moving car one year ago this very month!, so so fortunate from oranges to piano to breath..., loved by my mother, confident about my abilities to go to England by self and stay sane and even happy while there, needed by M and some others, rejected by J, slighted by J, disconnected from J, uncertain about future, mostly okay about that!, renewed yay renewed, brave about all the trip stuff, so grateful, rejuvenated by yesterday and especially O putting makeup on me at the place SO sweet and my new girlie stuff, awed by life and these changes and God's blessings, social while yesterday I was feeling kind of antisocial
Do differently:
Be still more careful about eating. Remember to turn it over every single day, to God
5 Good Things about Me:
1. Most all of principals have gotten who I am and respected me greatly and trusted me fully!
2. Many people do like and even love me
3. I look at myself openly and honestly and accept the bad stuff and have even begun to accept the good stuff too
4. I can have FUN!!!!
5. I am a very neat embroiderer
Vibrant, sacred - God, content with my life this day, alive, open to other people, capable of going to England!, upset in the apple-cart-upset way like unsettled because of the J. changed, safe - God, whole (!), healthy, cheerful, worthy (because we all are), forgiven by J, sane, OPTIMISTIC - ME!, calm in terms of looking forward to the rest of my day ahhhhh, unencumbered in some ways, proud of my accomplishments, loving to people, gifted in some ways, divine and blessed in a million ways, wise way inside, hopeful yay!, humble as in equal to all no more and no less, willing in all ways, empowered by all of this, better than wanting to throw self under moving car one year ago this very month!, so so fortunate from oranges to piano to breath..., loved by my mother, confident about my abilities to go to England by self and stay sane and even happy while there, needed by M and some others, rejected by J, slighted by J, disconnected from J, uncertain about future, mostly okay about that!, renewed yay renewed, brave about all the trip stuff, so grateful, rejuvenated by yesterday and especially O putting makeup on me at the place SO sweet and my new girlie stuff, awed by life and these changes and God's blessings, social while yesterday I was feeling kind of antisocial
Do differently:
Be still more careful about eating. Remember to turn it over every single day, to God
5 Good Things about Me:
1. Most all of principals have gotten who I am and respected me greatly and trusted me fully!
2. Many people do like and even love me
3. I look at myself openly and honestly and accept the bad stuff and have even begun to accept the good stuff too
4. I can have FUN!!!!
5. I am a very neat embroiderer
Readings
For Today:
"The maxim, 'Nothing avails but perfection,' may e spelled 'Paralysis.'" Sir Winston Churchill
"How long will the wallpaper in the bedroom hang down like lopping tongues? Why don't I fix it - or have it fixed?
Because I want to do the job perfectly. I want the best, the prettiest, the most elegant wallpaper in the world. But where am I going to find it? Just thinking about looking through stacks and stacks of patterns for the PERFECT one stops me in my tracks. Which is why the wallpaper stays as it is and i keep the bedroom door closed.
Where does the need to be perfect come from? it's true that if I don't do anything, no one can criticize my lack of taste or whatever it is I think I ought to have. But the harshest and most unrelenting critic of all is me; I see that wallpaper every day and I hate the slob who forces me to live that way."
Wow, not wallpaper, but in other ways, I can REALLY relate to this.
"For today: Perfectionism is another obsession, and I pray to be relieved of it. I do the necessary footwork by taking one small step toward a project or activity I have been putting off."
--
Voices of Recovery
"OA doesn't tell us we have to believe in God - - only that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." OA 12 & 12 p. 13
"My concept of a Higher Power has changed, just as I have changed. I am not the same person I once was. I had worshipped God in church, so it was easy to return to that setting. however, after a few years, I realized that I no longer believed God was big enough to restore me to sanity. He worked in the lives of everyone else, but not in mine.
My sponsor said I was suffering from 'tiny God syndrome.' She suggested that I borrow her Higher Power while I was trying to define my own. If that was not big enough, i could take all the Higher Powers from everyone at our big meeting. It reminded me of taking little pieces of clay from here and there until I hd a big pile.
Every time I thought of something big, I came up with something bigger. Finally, I realized that when the sun shines, it doesn't shine in just one spot, and that maybe God's love could be that big."
--
In This Moment
"In This Moment, I have choices.
I don't have to live from the script where I play the victim. I can write my script in a way that is healthy for me. I am now more likely to evaluate the situation as it is happening, calmly view the options available to me, and make a choice. I have the freedom to improvise. I am living the most perfect life I am capable of living. I am happy, healthy, and making progress every day."
Oh, I really needed to hear this now. I wrote to J this morning, so he'd know about England and would keep doggie that week (also as I'm telling my mother, she'll mention it to him and it would be beyond weird if he didn't know). And he wrote back a very friendly congratulations and being happy for me in so many ways and a joke that he's pretty sure the boiled beef there should be vegan. But it was so - totally detached and I'm just a good kid he knows - a friend - that it feels funny in my stomach. So it's great for me to read this today.
And - and I feel kind of bad about this for some reason, I'm now up to the pages in this book which I've already seen, which means I've been in CoDA for a year. But actually, that is good because I AM a lot better and still improving...
--
The Language of Letting Go
"Solving Problems
I ask that You might help me work through all my problems, to Your Glory and Honor." Alcoholics Anonymous
"Many of us lived in situations where it wasn't okay to identify, have, or talk about problems. Denial became a way of life - our way of dealing with problems.
In recovery, many of us still fear problems. We may spend more time reacting to a problem than we do to solving it. We miss the point; we miss the lesson; we miss the gift. Problems are a part of life. So are solutions.
A problem doesn't mean life is negative or horrible. Having a problem doesn't mean a person is deficient. All people have problems to work through.
In recovery, we learn to focus on solving our problems. First, we make certain the problem is our problem. If it isn't, our problem is establishing boundaries. Then we seek the best solution. This my mean setting a goal, asking for help, gathering more information, taking an action, or letting go.
Recovery does not mean immunity or exemption from problems; recovery means learning to face and solve problems, knowing they will appear regularly. We can trust our ability to solve problems, and know we're not doing it alone. having problems does not mean our Higher Power is picking on us. some problems are part of life; others are ours to solve, and we'll growing necessary ways in the process.
Face and solve TODAY'S problems. don't worry needlessly about tomorrow's problems, because when they appear, we'll have the resources necessary to solve them.
Facing and solving problems - working through problems with help from a Higher Power - means we're living and growing and reaping benefits.
God, help me face and solve my problems today. Help me do my part and let the rest go. I can learn to be a problem-solver."
==
"The maxim, 'Nothing avails but perfection,' may e spelled 'Paralysis.'" Sir Winston Churchill
"How long will the wallpaper in the bedroom hang down like lopping tongues? Why don't I fix it - or have it fixed?
Because I want to do the job perfectly. I want the best, the prettiest, the most elegant wallpaper in the world. But where am I going to find it? Just thinking about looking through stacks and stacks of patterns for the PERFECT one stops me in my tracks. Which is why the wallpaper stays as it is and i keep the bedroom door closed.
Where does the need to be perfect come from? it's true that if I don't do anything, no one can criticize my lack of taste or whatever it is I think I ought to have. But the harshest and most unrelenting critic of all is me; I see that wallpaper every day and I hate the slob who forces me to live that way."
Wow, not wallpaper, but in other ways, I can REALLY relate to this.
"For today: Perfectionism is another obsession, and I pray to be relieved of it. I do the necessary footwork by taking one small step toward a project or activity I have been putting off."
--
Voices of Recovery
"OA doesn't tell us we have to believe in God - - only that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." OA 12 & 12 p. 13
"My concept of a Higher Power has changed, just as I have changed. I am not the same person I once was. I had worshipped God in church, so it was easy to return to that setting. however, after a few years, I realized that I no longer believed God was big enough to restore me to sanity. He worked in the lives of everyone else, but not in mine.
My sponsor said I was suffering from 'tiny God syndrome.' She suggested that I borrow her Higher Power while I was trying to define my own. If that was not big enough, i could take all the Higher Powers from everyone at our big meeting. It reminded me of taking little pieces of clay from here and there until I hd a big pile.
Every time I thought of something big, I came up with something bigger. Finally, I realized that when the sun shines, it doesn't shine in just one spot, and that maybe God's love could be that big."
--
In This Moment
"In This Moment, I have choices.
I don't have to live from the script where I play the victim. I can write my script in a way that is healthy for me. I am now more likely to evaluate the situation as it is happening, calmly view the options available to me, and make a choice. I have the freedom to improvise. I am living the most perfect life I am capable of living. I am happy, healthy, and making progress every day."
Oh, I really needed to hear this now. I wrote to J this morning, so he'd know about England and would keep doggie that week (also as I'm telling my mother, she'll mention it to him and it would be beyond weird if he didn't know). And he wrote back a very friendly congratulations and being happy for me in so many ways and a joke that he's pretty sure the boiled beef there should be vegan. But it was so - totally detached and I'm just a good kid he knows - a friend - that it feels funny in my stomach. So it's great for me to read this today.
And - and I feel kind of bad about this for some reason, I'm now up to the pages in this book which I've already seen, which means I've been in CoDA for a year. But actually, that is good because I AM a lot better and still improving...
--
The Language of Letting Go
"Solving Problems
I ask that You might help me work through all my problems, to Your Glory and Honor." Alcoholics Anonymous
"Many of us lived in situations where it wasn't okay to identify, have, or talk about problems. Denial became a way of life - our way of dealing with problems.
In recovery, many of us still fear problems. We may spend more time reacting to a problem than we do to solving it. We miss the point; we miss the lesson; we miss the gift. Problems are a part of life. So are solutions.
A problem doesn't mean life is negative or horrible. Having a problem doesn't mean a person is deficient. All people have problems to work through.
In recovery, we learn to focus on solving our problems. First, we make certain the problem is our problem. If it isn't, our problem is establishing boundaries. Then we seek the best solution. This my mean setting a goal, asking for help, gathering more information, taking an action, or letting go.
Recovery does not mean immunity or exemption from problems; recovery means learning to face and solve problems, knowing they will appear regularly. We can trust our ability to solve problems, and know we're not doing it alone. having problems does not mean our Higher Power is picking on us. some problems are part of life; others are ours to solve, and we'll growing necessary ways in the process.
Face and solve TODAY'S problems. don't worry needlessly about tomorrow's problems, because when they appear, we'll have the resources necessary to solve them.
Facing and solving problems - working through problems with help from a Higher Power - means we're living and growing and reaping benefits.
God, help me face and solve my problems today. Help me do my part and let the rest go. I can learn to be a problem-solver."
==
So Much Already! :)
I adore my study of French! Love it love it love it love it!!!
I can't describe how much I love it!
And - it's not about a guy. Not J. Not ANY guy.
It's for and about ME.
*I* have a teacher.
*I* pay her.
*I* earn the money to pay her, with my own hard work.
She even likes working with me.
I do my homework. With love.
I am having SO MUCH FUN with this!
And - I am DETERMINED to get to France.
I will tutor and give Reiki - work in office in summer - whatever it takes:) I really want this and will have it!
Yay me!!
--
I am looking forward each morning, to practicing piano!
Having the little concert as a goal is helping me.
And I'm actually enjoying it!
Yesterday - for the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE! - I didn't put myself down while practicing!
This is huge!
--
I had a BALL yesterday having a girlie day with O!
*She* put makeup on me at the store!
And the salesgirl was adorable. 24 years old and so nice, and fat but pretty. And friendly and helpful.
And she even said, "Come by at 10am and let us do your makeup before your date Friday!" I don't think I will - I like very LITTLE makeup and they might put too much or something... but it was SO nice.
And I bought a much needed pocketbook and wallet. I usually buy one CHEAP and not leather of course, pocketbook per year, and a wallet lasts me several years. But the ones I bought this past summer fell apart so quickly!
But I replaced yesterday.
And I'm excited about the things I bought.
Plus the woman gave me so many samples!
And I even bought perfume (not very expensive, and really, it's eau de toilette, but I love it!)
***I feel like a woman!
Look, I KNOW these are not the things that a woman make, but it was so fun, and I needed to get in touch with this side of myself:)
I even bought lacy stocking things. Grey. And sexy. Oh my gosh! (And discount:)
--
And, of course, work is letting *me * go to England for a course! I'm SO excited!
Lots of good things: happinesses, joys, and funs!
--
I can't describe how much I love it!
And - it's not about a guy. Not J. Not ANY guy.
It's for and about ME.
*I* have a teacher.
*I* pay her.
*I* earn the money to pay her, with my own hard work.
She even likes working with me.
I do my homework. With love.
I am having SO MUCH FUN with this!
And - I am DETERMINED to get to France.
I will tutor and give Reiki - work in office in summer - whatever it takes:) I really want this and will have it!
Yay me!!
--
I am looking forward each morning, to practicing piano!
Having the little concert as a goal is helping me.
And I'm actually enjoying it!
Yesterday - for the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE! - I didn't put myself down while practicing!
This is huge!
--
I had a BALL yesterday having a girlie day with O!
*She* put makeup on me at the store!
And the salesgirl was adorable. 24 years old and so nice, and fat but pretty. And friendly and helpful.
And she even said, "Come by at 10am and let us do your makeup before your date Friday!" I don't think I will - I like very LITTLE makeup and they might put too much or something... but it was SO nice.
And I bought a much needed pocketbook and wallet. I usually buy one CHEAP and not leather of course, pocketbook per year, and a wallet lasts me several years. But the ones I bought this past summer fell apart so quickly!
But I replaced yesterday.
And I'm excited about the things I bought.
Plus the woman gave me so many samples!
And I even bought perfume (not very expensive, and really, it's eau de toilette, but I love it!)
***I feel like a woman!
Look, I KNOW these are not the things that a woman make, but it was so fun, and I needed to get in touch with this side of myself:)
I even bought lacy stocking things. Grey. And sexy. Oh my gosh! (And discount:)
--
And, of course, work is letting *me * go to England for a course! I'm SO excited!
Lots of good things: happinesses, joys, and funs!
--
Grats
I am grateful:
1. I just had a really good piano practice session for 40 minutes (it’s still Tuesday)
2. I am SO grateful to be putting myself first today. Of course, when M thought she’d need me to take her to the doctor, I was going to! But I’m so glad she doesn’t!
3. I am giving myself a day, they type of which has ALWAYS been so good for me. I am making food list, exercising a little, dishes, cooking, straightening, bath, maybe even a massage! - and in all being gentle with myself.
4. The day BEFORE I start the report cards. Ding for ME FIRST. ! Wow.
5. And now it’s Wednesday. Dr. comes today. Yay.
6. I was ready and willing and able to help M yesterday.
7. But she didn’t need me after all, which freed me.
8. I really wanted to stay in all day. But I know that isn’t always good for me. I’m grateful for knowing that.
9. Plus O wanted to see me. I’m grateful for that. I haven’t seen her in two months.
10. So I went.
11. The “quick shopping trip and a little lunch” took almost 7 hours!
12. And all of it – all of it – was fun!
13. We were even able to laugh about the “situation.” Like, of course hen I order lunch, I’ll have to get it cut in half and send half to J. And then, if I bring half of my part home, do I have to send him half of that? (I’m still working on getting a more fair amount – jokes were just helping ease/release tension).
14. Maya Angelou yesterday. Saying the advice she would give to her eight-year-old self, among other things, was to find art you love. It might be Van Gogh. Or Beethoven. And enjoy it. And realize, “This was created by a human being. Just like you are a human being. You are no greater and no less.” Of course she said it more poetically. It was beautiful.
15. And – my piano teacher was just telling me that she is from Beethoven’s lineage. Musically, not genetically. And it’s only a few degrees of separation.
16. Which means I am too!
17. She’s going to send me the list, and one of the names I didn’t recognize and won’t remember how to spell.
18. I just had to stop typing. The feeling in my chest is so beautiful. A deep breath, but also a peace and an inner connection to humanity. Such a lovely feeling.
19. And now all my breaths are so sweet.
20. I could feel doggie against me last night. So nice.
21. I shall take her on a nice walk and/or to the park today.
22. Sitting here, early morning, with coffee.
23. The things I was going to do yesterday, I’m going to do today.
24. And it was worth it being with O.
25. I’m GOING TO get this need for music in the house but the wires were severed when the floors were done and J never fixed it situation taken care of! I need to get out of the den.
26. And I’m READY to get out of the den.
27. I have new makeup. Updated a bit.
28. And lots of free applicators from the woman at Sephora.
29. And a new perfume too. Such luxury!
30. And a new pocket book, as mine was literally scraped and falling apart.
31. And sexy stockings.
32. And artichoke and green beans in the fridge. I am very fortunate indeed.
33. Doggie still in bed, luxuriating. I love her so.
34. When I get a fantasy of how if I moved into a sweet little house somewhere, … and how I would live – well, I just realized yesterday (!) I can do that NOW. All of it!
35. This is the last vacation I’ll ever have when I have never been to England.
36. O sees a BIG change in me.
37. And she said to her mother, in Russian (skype), Lynn has a date. And her mother answered, even though I’m still fat, “Why not? Of course! She’s pretty, she’s smart, she’s funny, she’s well-spoken…She can get all the dates she wants!”
38. The fresh orange I ate yesterday.
39. Thich Nhat Hahn’s idea about seeing the cloud in your water.
40. And like, in the orange, you can see everything: the seed, the water that watered it, the cloud from which that water originally came, the farmer, etc.
41. And decades ago, having never heard this, I did a project with my class where we took anything – anything – and saw how many people we could trace it to.
42. Like a shirt: the store that sold it, the person who stocked it, the person who ordered it, the person who inspected it, the people who put it together, the people who invented the machinery/tools, and the electricity that runs them, and the people who opened the place that day, . . . the mother of the person who came up with that exact dye. . .
43. It was very eye-opening.
44. And fun.
45. And *I * thought of it.
46. I also did another one. With a class that came in hating science! This wasn’t the greatest school. They had only known “science” as 25 year old text book stuff. So I did this: name anything – anything(!) and I can tell you what it has to do with science, and what it has to do with YOU (the most interesting subject of all).
47. They could never stump me.
48. And then THEY each did a booklet. 25 things. What each has to do with science, and what each has to do with them. They did this over time.
49. And it changed them. They saw science as what it is (in my opinion): the study of you and everything around you. From yarn dye to outer space. From medicine to molecules. From … …
50. Stores that sell things at ridiculously low prices.
51. O helping me last summer, to re-find my femininity.
52. And yesterday, to refind it.
53. We’ll do more again in the summer.
54. And maybe at that time I won’t NEED it; I’ll just ENJOY it. (I did enjoy this, but I also needed it).
55. I shall look forward to practicing again today. I do look forward to it.
56. I shall try to play in that concert in May.
57. Teacher said all the adults are “freaking out.” And that I’m not the bottom. (She said it in a more complimentary fashion).
58. I got my French children’s books back to the library.
59. And only owed 2 dollars. I’m not used to remembering due dates; haven’t used card in so long. This time will put into schedule.
60. And I got a bunch more.
61. And books have more explanations. I’m excited.
62. I might – MIGHT – eat at the table tonight.
63. Or do SOMETHING “out there.” Out of the den. Read French books in l.r.? Paint a little in d. r.? Meditate a little in sunroom?
64. That I HAVE these choices
65. I will get to set up my wallet and pocket book today. Cool.
66. I will get my hair cut and colored tomorrow. Cool
67. I will finally get my medicines today. Cool.
68. And do some laundry.
69. Glad I didn’t wait at window for garbage collection yesterday, as it was a holiday Monday so yesterday’s get collected today lol!
70. And glad lots of neighbors had theirs out too. So this is NO big deal at all!
71. A great bowel movement. Look, I don’t find these things gross. I find them miracles of our bodies. Just like swallowing food, breathing air…And I glad my digestive system works.
72. It’s Ash Wednesday. I wonder if I want to get ashes. Maybe? Maybe not. Great to have the choice.
73. Two deep breaths just taken. Wow.
74. Being a good and compassionate and generous person. I can live with myself.
75. Art
76. Music
77. Museums
78. Concerts
79. Radio City Music Hall
80. Female vocalists.
81. I remember as a child, loving to see/hear Claudine Longet. Interestingly, French accent.
82. And always loving Nana Mouskouri.
83. And Jane Oliver
84. And the voice of Whitney Houston.
85. And the young woman opera singer I know personally. She will go far. She already has.
86. That my piano teacher was the only student accepted into the prestigious Moscow Conservatory the year she was 10 or so.
87. And had THE highest score at the Manhattan School of Music.
88. That I have made it to the top of my profession. Literally.
89. England coming!
90. French lessons!
91. Piano is back for me!
92. My humidifier. Must fill it today. It’s good for the piano, which is why we bought it – but it’s good for me too! (And doggie: )
93. Letters back and forth with L. I kind of wish we didn’t have to meet. I truly don’t think we’ll have great chemistry; I don’t like his strong opinionated personality; and I’m fat. But I love our letters. I kind of wish we could keep it just to that. But - I *am * looking forward to our little date Fri.
94. And I’m thrilled – thrilled –
95. They’re taking my garbage right now. I hear them. Yay.
96. Back to above –
97. I’m thrilled that I DON’T want a relationship right now. Thrilled.
98. And that I didn’t have to go look. Still have to kind of work on the not-looking. But at least not looking.
99. My time in the Girl Scouts
100. How far J went in the Boy Scouts. For his sake.
101. That I can still feel that way.
102. Hope.
1. I just had a really good piano practice session for 40 minutes (it’s still Tuesday)
2. I am SO grateful to be putting myself first today. Of course, when M thought she’d need me to take her to the doctor, I was going to! But I’m so glad she doesn’t!
3. I am giving myself a day, they type of which has ALWAYS been so good for me. I am making food list, exercising a little, dishes, cooking, straightening, bath, maybe even a massage! - and in all being gentle with myself.
4. The day BEFORE I start the report cards. Ding for ME FIRST. ! Wow.
5. And now it’s Wednesday. Dr. comes today. Yay.
6. I was ready and willing and able to help M yesterday.
7. But she didn’t need me after all, which freed me.
8. I really wanted to stay in all day. But I know that isn’t always good for me. I’m grateful for knowing that.
9. Plus O wanted to see me. I’m grateful for that. I haven’t seen her in two months.
10. So I went.
11. The “quick shopping trip and a little lunch” took almost 7 hours!
12. And all of it – all of it – was fun!
13. We were even able to laugh about the “situation.” Like, of course hen I order lunch, I’ll have to get it cut in half and send half to J. And then, if I bring half of my part home, do I have to send him half of that? (I’m still working on getting a more fair amount – jokes were just helping ease/release tension).
14. Maya Angelou yesterday. Saying the advice she would give to her eight-year-old self, among other things, was to find art you love. It might be Van Gogh. Or Beethoven. And enjoy it. And realize, “This was created by a human being. Just like you are a human being. You are no greater and no less.” Of course she said it more poetically. It was beautiful.
15. And – my piano teacher was just telling me that she is from Beethoven’s lineage. Musically, not genetically. And it’s only a few degrees of separation.
16. Which means I am too!
17. She’s going to send me the list, and one of the names I didn’t recognize and won’t remember how to spell.
18. I just had to stop typing. The feeling in my chest is so beautiful. A deep breath, but also a peace and an inner connection to humanity. Such a lovely feeling.
19. And now all my breaths are so sweet.
20. I could feel doggie against me last night. So nice.
21. I shall take her on a nice walk and/or to the park today.
22. Sitting here, early morning, with coffee.
23. The things I was going to do yesterday, I’m going to do today.
24. And it was worth it being with O.
25. I’m GOING TO get this need for music in the house but the wires were severed when the floors were done and J never fixed it situation taken care of! I need to get out of the den.
26. And I’m READY to get out of the den.
27. I have new makeup. Updated a bit.
28. And lots of free applicators from the woman at Sephora.
29. And a new perfume too. Such luxury!
30. And a new pocket book, as mine was literally scraped and falling apart.
31. And sexy stockings.
32. And artichoke and green beans in the fridge. I am very fortunate indeed.
33. Doggie still in bed, luxuriating. I love her so.
34. When I get a fantasy of how if I moved into a sweet little house somewhere, … and how I would live – well, I just realized yesterday (!) I can do that NOW. All of it!
35. This is the last vacation I’ll ever have when I have never been to England.
36. O sees a BIG change in me.
37. And she said to her mother, in Russian (skype), Lynn has a date. And her mother answered, even though I’m still fat, “Why not? Of course! She’s pretty, she’s smart, she’s funny, she’s well-spoken…She can get all the dates she wants!”
38. The fresh orange I ate yesterday.
39. Thich Nhat Hahn’s idea about seeing the cloud in your water.
40. And like, in the orange, you can see everything: the seed, the water that watered it, the cloud from which that water originally came, the farmer, etc.
41. And decades ago, having never heard this, I did a project with my class where we took anything – anything – and saw how many people we could trace it to.
42. Like a shirt: the store that sold it, the person who stocked it, the person who ordered it, the person who inspected it, the people who put it together, the people who invented the machinery/tools, and the electricity that runs them, and the people who opened the place that day, . . . the mother of the person who came up with that exact dye. . .
43. It was very eye-opening.
44. And fun.
45. And *I * thought of it.
46. I also did another one. With a class that came in hating science! This wasn’t the greatest school. They had only known “science” as 25 year old text book stuff. So I did this: name anything – anything(!) and I can tell you what it has to do with science, and what it has to do with YOU (the most interesting subject of all).
47. They could never stump me.
48. And then THEY each did a booklet. 25 things. What each has to do with science, and what each has to do with them. They did this over time.
49. And it changed them. They saw science as what it is (in my opinion): the study of you and everything around you. From yarn dye to outer space. From medicine to molecules. From … …
50. Stores that sell things at ridiculously low prices.
51. O helping me last summer, to re-find my femininity.
52. And yesterday, to refind it.
53. We’ll do more again in the summer.
54. And maybe at that time I won’t NEED it; I’ll just ENJOY it. (I did enjoy this, but I also needed it).
55. I shall look forward to practicing again today. I do look forward to it.
56. I shall try to play in that concert in May.
57. Teacher said all the adults are “freaking out.” And that I’m not the bottom. (She said it in a more complimentary fashion).
58. I got my French children’s books back to the library.
59. And only owed 2 dollars. I’m not used to remembering due dates; haven’t used card in so long. This time will put into schedule.
60. And I got a bunch more.
61. And books have more explanations. I’m excited.
62. I might – MIGHT – eat at the table tonight.
63. Or do SOMETHING “out there.” Out of the den. Read French books in l.r.? Paint a little in d. r.? Meditate a little in sunroom?
64. That I HAVE these choices
65. I will get to set up my wallet and pocket book today. Cool.
66. I will get my hair cut and colored tomorrow. Cool
67. I will finally get my medicines today. Cool.
68. And do some laundry.
69. Glad I didn’t wait at window for garbage collection yesterday, as it was a holiday Monday so yesterday’s get collected today lol!
70. And glad lots of neighbors had theirs out too. So this is NO big deal at all!
71. A great bowel movement. Look, I don’t find these things gross. I find them miracles of our bodies. Just like swallowing food, breathing air…And I glad my digestive system works.
72. It’s Ash Wednesday. I wonder if I want to get ashes. Maybe? Maybe not. Great to have the choice.
73. Two deep breaths just taken. Wow.
74. Being a good and compassionate and generous person. I can live with myself.
75. Art
76. Music
77. Museums
78. Concerts
79. Radio City Music Hall
80. Female vocalists.
81. I remember as a child, loving to see/hear Claudine Longet. Interestingly, French accent.
82. And always loving Nana Mouskouri.
83. And Jane Oliver
84. And the voice of Whitney Houston.
85. And the young woman opera singer I know personally. She will go far. She already has.
86. That my piano teacher was the only student accepted into the prestigious Moscow Conservatory the year she was 10 or so.
87. And had THE highest score at the Manhattan School of Music.
88. That I have made it to the top of my profession. Literally.
89. England coming!
90. French lessons!
91. Piano is back for me!
92. My humidifier. Must fill it today. It’s good for the piano, which is why we bought it – but it’s good for me too! (And doggie: )
93. Letters back and forth with L. I kind of wish we didn’t have to meet. I truly don’t think we’ll have great chemistry; I don’t like his strong opinionated personality; and I’m fat. But I love our letters. I kind of wish we could keep it just to that. But - I *am * looking forward to our little date Fri.
94. And I’m thrilled – thrilled –
95. They’re taking my garbage right now. I hear them. Yay.
96. Back to above –
97. I’m thrilled that I DON’T want a relationship right now. Thrilled.
98. And that I didn’t have to go look. Still have to kind of work on the not-looking. But at least not looking.
99. My time in the Girl Scouts
100. How far J went in the Boy Scouts. For his sake.
101. That I can still feel that way.
102. Hope.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Affirmations
I am good enough.
EVERYTHING about me is good enough!
I have fun!
I do interesting things!
I am a whole person!
People like me!
People love me!
God and the universe are taking perfect care of me!
EVERYTHING about me is good enough!
I have fun!
I do interesting things!
I am a whole person!
People like me!
People love me!
God and the universe are taking perfect care of me!
CoDA
I feel:
Healthy, because I am, that I know of
Hopeful, thank God
Optimistic - things will work out - and even moreso if I'm looking at them that way
Exhilarated about the changes I'm making
Better than before! Like months or certainly one year ago!
Supported by MA
Cheerful in some ways
Divine in the Hand of God
Blessed in many ways
Thrilled to enjoy days
Vital - like not a lot, but *enough* energy
Gratified by the changes that are occurring as a result of my work
Grateful in a million ways
Kind of - safe - God
Calm. This one is huge. C~~a~~l~~m
Open - who knows what's coming. And open to ideas as well
Upbeat. Wow.
Somewhat reflective
Delighted with some new things - like L and *French!*
Peaceful. Yea.
Alive. I am. And I am happy to be.
Inspired somewhat
Glorious, spiritually
Sacred. Because I am.
Fine.
Sane
Vibrant. Like, sort of able. (But not about food).
Renewed. By all this work.
Wise - inside
Satisfied - with THIS day
Empowered, by the things I've been doing.
Brave, in many ways
Somewhat UNemcumbered
Somewhat Welcoming
Humble. Powerless. Willing - Food
Entangled with him, about money : (
A little antisocial. Like I would like this whole day to myself
Envious of P's money. And even of M's financial situation
A bit awkward about doing anything outside with others, socially.
Neglected. By J.
Unstable a bit too.
Next time differently:
more meetings!
5 Good Things about Me:
1. I am cute
2. I have a lively smile
3. I appreciate many many of the "little" things
4. I am affectionate
5. I help children
Healthy, because I am, that I know of
Hopeful, thank God
Optimistic - things will work out - and even moreso if I'm looking at them that way
Exhilarated about the changes I'm making
Better than before! Like months or certainly one year ago!
Supported by MA
Cheerful in some ways
Divine in the Hand of God
Blessed in many ways
Thrilled to enjoy days
Vital - like not a lot, but *enough* energy
Gratified by the changes that are occurring as a result of my work
Grateful in a million ways
Kind of - safe - God
Calm. This one is huge. C~~a~~l~~m
Open - who knows what's coming. And open to ideas as well
Upbeat. Wow.
Somewhat reflective
Delighted with some new things - like L and *French!*
Peaceful. Yea.
Alive. I am. And I am happy to be.
Inspired somewhat
Glorious, spiritually
Sacred. Because I am.
Fine.
Sane
Vibrant. Like, sort of able. (But not about food).
Renewed. By all this work.
Wise - inside
Satisfied - with THIS day
Empowered, by the things I've been doing.
Brave, in many ways
Somewhat UNemcumbered
Somewhat Welcoming
Humble. Powerless. Willing - Food
Entangled with him, about money : (
A little antisocial. Like I would like this whole day to myself
Envious of P's money. And even of M's financial situation
A bit awkward about doing anything outside with others, socially.
Neglected. By J.
Unstable a bit too.
Next time differently:
more meetings!
5 Good Things about Me:
1. I am cute
2. I have a lively smile
3. I appreciate many many of the "little" things
4. I am affectionate
5. I help children
Readings
For Today:
"The faultfinder will find faults even in Paradise." Henry David Thoreau
"Do I recognize myself in that bleak portrait? Finding fault is a habit, like having to be right, or telling people what to do. It's possible to find fault even if the object of my displeasure were to become the exact opposite of what it is. As a faultfinder, I can be on the offensive and no one has a chance to criticize me. Finding fault is easy; a child can do it, particularly a tired, cross, frustrated child.
Chronic faultfinding is a flaw in my own makeup, and has nothing to do with people and things outside myself. It is a habit that needs the scrutiny of a personal inventory and a good step-five-airing.
For today: Growth in the OA program allows me to see with new eyes; feeling good about myself makes me less critical of myself and others.
--
Voices of Recovery:
"In OA we learn that our recovery comes to us through the principles of the program, not through personalities." O 12 & 12 p. 203
"We are taught, through loving acts of tact and kindness under difficult circumstances, that we are given far more than a normal body size as a result of taking OA's Twelve Steps and remaining abstinent.
Since recovery in OA is a transformational journey, conflict with others is inevitable, and often unavoidable. The shame and low self-esteem which prays on us afterwards is the voice of our disease, calling us back.
Today, I can view my differences with others, both personal and philosophical, as opportunities to identify and overcome my knee-jerk reactions to the world in which I live. I can tolerate the feelings and sidestep the temptation to abbreviate my discomfort by speaking or acting inappropriately, knowing that a short-term 'fix' won't work for someone like me.
I pray that I may always seek God's help to move towards the most harmonious relations with others, knowing that my abstinence may hinge on my reaction to life in this moment. The OA principles will always lead me in that direction.
--
In This Moment:
"In This Moment, I'm God's child.
"I'm beautiful as is. I don't need to change to please the world. I continue to grow, at my own pace, in peace and understanding. i am no longer lost as before. Now, I have a Fellowship which understands and cares about me. I can talk things over with my sponsor. I don't have to face my feelings alone. I have friends to talk to and do things with. And I have a Higher Power who never lets me down."
--
The Language of Letting Go
"Living in the Present
"the present moment is all we have. yes, we have plans and goals, a vision for tomorrow. But now is the only time we possess. And it is enough.
We can clear our mind of the residue of yesterday. We can clear our mind of fears of tomorrow. We can be present, now. We can make ourselves available to this moment, this day. It is by being fully present now that we reach the fullness of tomorrow.
Have no fear, child, a voice whispers. Have no regrets. Relinquish your resentments. Let Me take your pain. All you have is the present moment. Be still. Be here. Trust.
All you have is now. It is enough.
Today, I will affirm that all is well around me, when all is well within."
==
"The faultfinder will find faults even in Paradise." Henry David Thoreau
"Do I recognize myself in that bleak portrait? Finding fault is a habit, like having to be right, or telling people what to do. It's possible to find fault even if the object of my displeasure were to become the exact opposite of what it is. As a faultfinder, I can be on the offensive and no one has a chance to criticize me. Finding fault is easy; a child can do it, particularly a tired, cross, frustrated child.
Chronic faultfinding is a flaw in my own makeup, and has nothing to do with people and things outside myself. It is a habit that needs the scrutiny of a personal inventory and a good step-five-airing.
For today: Growth in the OA program allows me to see with new eyes; feeling good about myself makes me less critical of myself and others.
--
Voices of Recovery:
"In OA we learn that our recovery comes to us through the principles of the program, not through personalities." O 12 & 12 p. 203
"We are taught, through loving acts of tact and kindness under difficult circumstances, that we are given far more than a normal body size as a result of taking OA's Twelve Steps and remaining abstinent.
Since recovery in OA is a transformational journey, conflict with others is inevitable, and often unavoidable. The shame and low self-esteem which prays on us afterwards is the voice of our disease, calling us back.
Today, I can view my differences with others, both personal and philosophical, as opportunities to identify and overcome my knee-jerk reactions to the world in which I live. I can tolerate the feelings and sidestep the temptation to abbreviate my discomfort by speaking or acting inappropriately, knowing that a short-term 'fix' won't work for someone like me.
I pray that I may always seek God's help to move towards the most harmonious relations with others, knowing that my abstinence may hinge on my reaction to life in this moment. The OA principles will always lead me in that direction.
--
In This Moment:
"In This Moment, I'm God's child.
"I'm beautiful as is. I don't need to change to please the world. I continue to grow, at my own pace, in peace and understanding. i am no longer lost as before. Now, I have a Fellowship which understands and cares about me. I can talk things over with my sponsor. I don't have to face my feelings alone. I have friends to talk to and do things with. And I have a Higher Power who never lets me down."
--
The Language of Letting Go
"Living in the Present
"the present moment is all we have. yes, we have plans and goals, a vision for tomorrow. But now is the only time we possess. And it is enough.
We can clear our mind of the residue of yesterday. We can clear our mind of fears of tomorrow. We can be present, now. We can make ourselves available to this moment, this day. It is by being fully present now that we reach the fullness of tomorrow.
Have no fear, child, a voice whispers. Have no regrets. Relinquish your resentments. Let Me take your pain. All you have is the present moment. Be still. Be here. Trust.
All you have is now. It is enough.
Today, I will affirm that all is well around me, when all is well within."
==
Grats
I am grateful:
1. That I *want * to give service to others.
2. That I have opportunities to, including to the children
3. And possible tutor kids
4. And possible Reiki clients
5. And friends
6. And people suffering in program
7. And out of program, like here
8. My throat and lungs and been, have felt, so clear for a while now! I wonder if some of it could be psychological!
9. They did say to me in program (OA), “We will love you until you can love yourself.” Wow.
10. Louise Hayes
11. Melodie Beattie
12. That I practiced this morning, and it was fun (Still Monday)
13. A whole day off today. Ummm
14. Maybe my courage getting through this is helping B and/or M. I think it is.
15. Indian food.
16. And that England will have it too, for me: )
17. My little, just-right amount of prescribed Paxil.
18. That I don’t do, like, a Paxil and a Xanax and a valium and wine or stuff like that.
19. I got the garbage out (it’s Tuesday now)
20. Gave doggie her morning treat
21. She’s waggly : )
22. I’m glad I woke up
23. I’m so so glad I’m appreciating life. A lot of the reality way, which I am getting from my much-loved sponsor who lives in a way that is such a fantastic example for me.
24. That M called me in need of going to the ENT. I would rather her not be sick, and I would rather not have to go, but I’m glad she has me to call.
25. And that of course I will do it.
26. That today I shall write out one week’s worth of food and just follow it. I am ready to do that again. I used to do it, and it worked quite well for me. Phew.
27. All the love J had for me
28. And the wonderful ways he treated me when he was treating me wonderfully
29. I’m not so worried about money now.
30. I will get my bag of paper work done this week. Phew.
31. I did a load of dishes and I’m happy I did.
32. That dishwasher detergent work right, so I’ll give it back to M and buy more.
33. That I HAVE a dishwasher. My grandmother didn’t even have a washing machine until later in life. She literally washed clothes on a board!
34. That I am here, this age, now. -- Wow that I could say that!
35. A deep breath just came.
36. Things I learned on Dr. Oz the last 2 shows I saw
37. Getting along nicely with J.
38. Vacation week. Vacation week vacation week vacation week.
39. And the next one – I’ll be in England!
40. Doggie is here.
41. I WILL do something for HER FUN today!
42. Access to healthy food.
43. Hot coffee this morning.
44. Inspirational people.
45. That Br called me back yesterday.
46. The exercise mat!
47. And that J brought it here for me
48. The exercise bands and DVD
49. The treadmill. What a luxury!
50. The balance thing too! I am so lucky
51. My little plants in the sunroom
52. My place is only about 1000 or 1100 square feet. But that is PLENTY of room for me (or me and a doggie). More than enough. I would even have less if it would mean everyone could have the same.
53. MA calling last night
54. M getting some relief last night.
55. Intestines that work
56. Eyesight
57. That I am physically able
58. That it is nice out today. Instead of constantly worrying about global warming, I can do what I can about it and about educating, and then enjoy a day. That’s a big difference in attitude.
59. I have a FEELING I’ll get to see MA and ML and maybe with O, before going back to school next Monday.
60. M taking my mother for lunch yesterday
61. And bringing her dinner last night.
62. Maybe I should reconsider this not telling her stuff. Maybe I could do more with her/for her if I weren’t constantly worried about her finding out.
63. I’m getting to the point where I don’t give a ___what others think of me, and that is good. Doing what I can, that is right, because it is right, not because of who will think what.
64. EJ’s beautiful words yesterday.
65. And the lovely dream about meeting someone like that, that I had last night.
66. And the beautiful mountains and nature in the dream.
67. And MA in the dream too.
68. Cosmetics that do not test on animals.
69. Same about perfumes
70. And soaps
71. And shampoos…
72. Countries that are at peace.
73. People who don’t hurt each other.
74. People who would never hurt each other.
75. I don’t have the family I’d like, but I’m grateful that some people do. I really am.
76. Reiki ability
77. Teaching ability
78. Tutoring ability
79. Piano ability
80. Painting not ability(!) but fun
81. Coloring
82. Embroidering
83. And that I find joy in the stitch.
84. And that so many people have commented on how neat my stitches are.
85. And that so many have said it would make them nervous. But I find it so relaxing. Long before I ever thought of doing meditation, I found such joy in the stitch. Not about the finished product – that’s a bonus. About the one stitch. Now that I know, I see how mindful that is!
86. Every pillowcase I’ve done.
87. Meeting new people
88. Old friends
89. My little house. It really needs work, but I’m glad I have it.
90. Relaxation. Every time I have it
91. That I am literate.
92. That I am educated. That’s lucky.
93. That I know how to work hard at things.
94. I am grateful to God for my brain.
95. And that it is not smarter. If it were, I think I would have become a real snob.
96. A gorgeous sunset picture on tv right now. Blue down to green, yellow, orange, and bright pink, over water across land.
97. Coats.
98. Desks.
99. A table. I hope I can eat at it again someday.
100. Stamps. I used to be afraid of getting them. Long, phobic story, doesn’t matter. But now I can get them pretty easily.
1. That I *want * to give service to others.
2. That I have opportunities to, including to the children
3. And possible tutor kids
4. And possible Reiki clients
5. And friends
6. And people suffering in program
7. And out of program, like here
8. My throat and lungs and been, have felt, so clear for a while now! I wonder if some of it could be psychological!
9. They did say to me in program (OA), “We will love you until you can love yourself.” Wow.
10. Louise Hayes
11. Melodie Beattie
12. That I practiced this morning, and it was fun (Still Monday)
13. A whole day off today. Ummm
14. Maybe my courage getting through this is helping B and/or M. I think it is.
15. Indian food.
16. And that England will have it too, for me: )
17. My little, just-right amount of prescribed Paxil.
18. That I don’t do, like, a Paxil and a Xanax and a valium and wine or stuff like that.
19. I got the garbage out (it’s Tuesday now)
20. Gave doggie her morning treat
21. She’s waggly : )
22. I’m glad I woke up
23. I’m so so glad I’m appreciating life. A lot of the reality way, which I am getting from my much-loved sponsor who lives in a way that is such a fantastic example for me.
24. That M called me in need of going to the ENT. I would rather her not be sick, and I would rather not have to go, but I’m glad she has me to call.
25. And that of course I will do it.
26. That today I shall write out one week’s worth of food and just follow it. I am ready to do that again. I used to do it, and it worked quite well for me. Phew.
27. All the love J had for me
28. And the wonderful ways he treated me when he was treating me wonderfully
29. I’m not so worried about money now.
30. I will get my bag of paper work done this week. Phew.
31. I did a load of dishes and I’m happy I did.
32. That dishwasher detergent work right, so I’ll give it back to M and buy more.
33. That I HAVE a dishwasher. My grandmother didn’t even have a washing machine until later in life. She literally washed clothes on a board!
34. That I am here, this age, now. -- Wow that I could say that!
35. A deep breath just came.
36. Things I learned on Dr. Oz the last 2 shows I saw
37. Getting along nicely with J.
38. Vacation week. Vacation week vacation week vacation week.
39. And the next one – I’ll be in England!
40. Doggie is here.
41. I WILL do something for HER FUN today!
42. Access to healthy food.
43. Hot coffee this morning.
44. Inspirational people.
45. That Br called me back yesterday.
46. The exercise mat!
47. And that J brought it here for me
48. The exercise bands and DVD
49. The treadmill. What a luxury!
50. The balance thing too! I am so lucky
51. My little plants in the sunroom
52. My place is only about 1000 or 1100 square feet. But that is PLENTY of room for me (or me and a doggie). More than enough. I would even have less if it would mean everyone could have the same.
53. MA calling last night
54. M getting some relief last night.
55. Intestines that work
56. Eyesight
57. That I am physically able
58. That it is nice out today. Instead of constantly worrying about global warming, I can do what I can about it and about educating, and then enjoy a day. That’s a big difference in attitude.
59. I have a FEELING I’ll get to see MA and ML and maybe with O, before going back to school next Monday.
60. M taking my mother for lunch yesterday
61. And bringing her dinner last night.
62. Maybe I should reconsider this not telling her stuff. Maybe I could do more with her/for her if I weren’t constantly worried about her finding out.
63. I’m getting to the point where I don’t give a ___what others think of me, and that is good. Doing what I can, that is right, because it is right, not because of who will think what.
64. EJ’s beautiful words yesterday.
65. And the lovely dream about meeting someone like that, that I had last night.
66. And the beautiful mountains and nature in the dream.
67. And MA in the dream too.
68. Cosmetics that do not test on animals.
69. Same about perfumes
70. And soaps
71. And shampoos…
72. Countries that are at peace.
73. People who don’t hurt each other.
74. People who would never hurt each other.
75. I don’t have the family I’d like, but I’m grateful that some people do. I really am.
76. Reiki ability
77. Teaching ability
78. Tutoring ability
79. Piano ability
80. Painting not ability(!) but fun
81. Coloring
82. Embroidering
83. And that I find joy in the stitch.
84. And that so many people have commented on how neat my stitches are.
85. And that so many have said it would make them nervous. But I find it so relaxing. Long before I ever thought of doing meditation, I found such joy in the stitch. Not about the finished product – that’s a bonus. About the one stitch. Now that I know, I see how mindful that is!
86. Every pillowcase I’ve done.
87. Meeting new people
88. Old friends
89. My little house. It really needs work, but I’m glad I have it.
90. Relaxation. Every time I have it
91. That I am literate.
92. That I am educated. That’s lucky.
93. That I know how to work hard at things.
94. I am grateful to God for my brain.
95. And that it is not smarter. If it were, I think I would have become a real snob.
96. A gorgeous sunset picture on tv right now. Blue down to green, yellow, orange, and bright pink, over water across land.
97. Coats.
98. Desks.
99. A table. I hope I can eat at it again someday.
100. Stamps. I used to be afraid of getting them. Long, phobic story, doesn’t matter. But now I can get them pretty easily.
Monday, February 20, 2012
CoDA Morning Work Today
I feel:
Thrilled, with the changes in me. The miracle.
Awed by the miracle.
Sane. Or at least leaning toward sane :)
Gifted - learning - piano - languages - handling things
Unencumbered! Me! In many ways!
Valued - by M, and O, and MA and ML and S and St and N and G and D and J and L and sponsor and K and students and many parents and my mother and God and myself. Finally myself.
Empowered - because the more I do, the more I know I am able to do. Just "do the next right thing."
Hopeful. Hopeful hopeful hopeful hopeful
Grateful - for so much
Satisfied - with my life *right now*
Affirmed - by M, by JJ , by EJ, by Biride, by God, by self
Delighted - with new things - date, museum, French, piano, doggie, enjoyment! Good foods...
Optimistic - Yay!
healthy - because I am
Whole - because I am. I. Am!
Reflective - but in a good way. A nice way.
Vibrant. Live!
Alive. Yay
Forgiving. He did the best he could too.
Sacred - God
Blessed - in countless ways, including ability to know it
Open - to whatever is to come. AND to living in the moment
Energized - for the things I have to do and the things I want to do
Cheerful - practicing it has made it so! (And, "Fake it til you make it" has worked for me!
Surprised - that my life could be so good with so much wrong - and my attitude could change - and I could and do really feel okay!
Vital. Yes! I am vital.
Fine. Thank God, I feel fine.
Brave. In so many ways. Doing the things. And facing the things.
Calm. Thank God, I feel calm. Oh, deep breath just now even typing that.
Heard. Somehow able to be myself and be heard and not so much caring who likes it and who doesn't! I exist!
Loved - by friends...
Proud - in a good way - of doing things
Worthy because God made us ALL - why would I not be worthy?
EFFECTIVE. After all that upbringing. All those years of feeling I have no impact, I find out that my actions ARE effective!
Free! And grateful for it!
Renewed. Why not?
Peacful. Thank God
Glorious. Wow.
Secure in a way. god
Upbeat
Powerless, willing and humble
And a little overwhelmed and uncomfortable too. A lot to do, not all of it comfortable.
But - I know I can.
Will do differently - report cards sooner this vaca.
Not rush or push self.
5 Good Things about Me:
1. I am there for my friends
2. I am funny
3. I am talented - acting
4. I can think on my feet in virtually or maybe totally any work situation
5. I have nice hair
6. I have nice eyes
7. I have sort of dimples
8. I have nice feet.
9. I have a nice smile.
10. And I use it.
Wow! That's 10 things!
Thrilled, with the changes in me. The miracle.
Awed by the miracle.
Sane. Or at least leaning toward sane :)
Gifted - learning - piano - languages - handling things
Unencumbered! Me! In many ways!
Valued - by M, and O, and MA and ML and S and St and N and G and D and J and L and sponsor and K and students and many parents and my mother and God and myself. Finally myself.
Empowered - because the more I do, the more I know I am able to do. Just "do the next right thing."
Hopeful. Hopeful hopeful hopeful hopeful
Grateful - for so much
Satisfied - with my life *right now*
Affirmed - by M, by JJ , by EJ, by Biride, by God, by self
Delighted - with new things - date, museum, French, piano, doggie, enjoyment! Good foods...
Optimistic - Yay!
healthy - because I am
Whole - because I am. I. Am!
Reflective - but in a good way. A nice way.
Vibrant. Live!
Alive. Yay
Forgiving. He did the best he could too.
Sacred - God
Blessed - in countless ways, including ability to know it
Open - to whatever is to come. AND to living in the moment
Energized - for the things I have to do and the things I want to do
Cheerful - practicing it has made it so! (And, "Fake it til you make it" has worked for me!
Surprised - that my life could be so good with so much wrong - and my attitude could change - and I could and do really feel okay!
Vital. Yes! I am vital.
Fine. Thank God, I feel fine.
Brave. In so many ways. Doing the things. And facing the things.
Calm. Thank God, I feel calm. Oh, deep breath just now even typing that.
Heard. Somehow able to be myself and be heard and not so much caring who likes it and who doesn't! I exist!
Loved - by friends...
Proud - in a good way - of doing things
Worthy because God made us ALL - why would I not be worthy?
EFFECTIVE. After all that upbringing. All those years of feeling I have no impact, I find out that my actions ARE effective!
Free! And grateful for it!
Renewed. Why not?
Peacful. Thank God
Glorious. Wow.
Secure in a way. god
Upbeat
Powerless, willing and humble
And a little overwhelmed and uncomfortable too. A lot to do, not all of it comfortable.
But - I know I can.
Will do differently - report cards sooner this vaca.
Not rush or push self.
5 Good Things about Me:
1. I am there for my friends
2. I am funny
3. I am talented - acting
4. I can think on my feet in virtually or maybe totally any work situation
5. I have nice hair
6. I have nice eyes
7. I have sort of dimples
8. I have nice feet.
9. I have a nice smile.
10. And I use it.
Wow! That's 10 things!
Readings
For Today:
"Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it." Helen Keller
"When I am troubled, I think my pain will last forever. Peace of mind appears to be gone for good, and the fact that I have faced and conquered problems in the past is forgotten.
Although yesterday's suffering may have little bearing on the present, I know that overcoming it gave me strength. My burdens today might seem greater than any I've ever had, but so is my ability to deal with them. I am not where I once was. I have learned in OA that when I can do nothing more to improve a situation, there is a process in which I can trust absolutely: let go and let God.
For today: Pain often comes from non-acceptance."
So true! So true! Back to text:
"Pain often comes from non-acceptance. if I find that i can neither change nor accept a certain reality, I let it go for now, knowing that it is the first step in overcoming my misery."
--
Voices of Recovery
"What we do have to offer is . . . a Fellowship in which we find and share the healing power of love." OA 12 & 12 p. ix
"When I entered the Twelve-Step program, I was broken, bleeding, discouraged, debauched, bloated, and hating myself. Then came my first ray of hope. 'We will love you until you can love yourself!' Yes (praise God), this miracle has come true. I love and respect myself today, I had been badly buffeted by life, including other compulsions and major illnesses. However, my health as a total person is much improved. Love from others in OA and from my Higher Power has healed me. I have learned to accept myself without judgment, as other OA members accept and love me. I, too, can now reach out in Overeaters Anonymous and let love pass through me to heal others. To every newcomer I say, 'We will love you until you can love yourself.'"
--
In This Moment
"In This Moment, I have spirituality.
My life was unmanageable. I had no goals, no insights. i struggled with decision-making. Before CoDA, I had religion. now, I have spirituality which sustains me on a daily basis. I have a higher Power to guide, support, and listen to me. My spirituality and Higher Power have lifted a great burden from my shoulders. i no longer have to do anything alone.
--
The Language of Letting Go:
"Setting Our Own Course
"We are powerless over other people's expectations of us. We cannot control what others want, what they expect, or what they want us to do and be.
We can control how we respond to other people's expectations.
During the course of any day, people may make demands on our time, talents, energy, money and emotions. We do not have to say yes to every request. We do not have to feel guilty if we say no. And we do not have to allow the barrage of demands to control the course of our life.
We do not have to spend our life reacting to others and to the course they would prefer we took with our life.
We can set boundaries, firm limits on how far we shall go with others. We can trust and listen to ourselves. We can set goals and direction for OUR life. We can place value on ourselves.
We can own our power with people.
buy some time. Think about what YOU want. Consider how responding to another's needs will affect the course of your life. We live or own life by not letting other people, their expectations, and their demands control the course of our life. We can let them have their demands and expectations; we can allow them to have their feelings. We can own our power tochoose the path that is right for us.
today, God, help me own my power by detaching, and peacefully choosing the course of action that is right for me. help me know I can detach from the expectations and wants of others. help me stop pleasing other people and start pleasing myself.
==
"Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it." Helen Keller
"When I am troubled, I think my pain will last forever. Peace of mind appears to be gone for good, and the fact that I have faced and conquered problems in the past is forgotten.
Although yesterday's suffering may have little bearing on the present, I know that overcoming it gave me strength. My burdens today might seem greater than any I've ever had, but so is my ability to deal with them. I am not where I once was. I have learned in OA that when I can do nothing more to improve a situation, there is a process in which I can trust absolutely: let go and let God.
For today: Pain often comes from non-acceptance."
So true! So true! Back to text:
"Pain often comes from non-acceptance. if I find that i can neither change nor accept a certain reality, I let it go for now, knowing that it is the first step in overcoming my misery."
--
Voices of Recovery
"What we do have to offer is . . . a Fellowship in which we find and share the healing power of love." OA 12 & 12 p. ix
"When I entered the Twelve-Step program, I was broken, bleeding, discouraged, debauched, bloated, and hating myself. Then came my first ray of hope. 'We will love you until you can love yourself!' Yes (praise God), this miracle has come true. I love and respect myself today, I had been badly buffeted by life, including other compulsions and major illnesses. However, my health as a total person is much improved. Love from others in OA and from my Higher Power has healed me. I have learned to accept myself without judgment, as other OA members accept and love me. I, too, can now reach out in Overeaters Anonymous and let love pass through me to heal others. To every newcomer I say, 'We will love you until you can love yourself.'"
--
In This Moment
"In This Moment, I have spirituality.
My life was unmanageable. I had no goals, no insights. i struggled with decision-making. Before CoDA, I had religion. now, I have spirituality which sustains me on a daily basis. I have a higher Power to guide, support, and listen to me. My spirituality and Higher Power have lifted a great burden from my shoulders. i no longer have to do anything alone.
--
The Language of Letting Go:
"Setting Our Own Course
"We are powerless over other people's expectations of us. We cannot control what others want, what they expect, or what they want us to do and be.
We can control how we respond to other people's expectations.
During the course of any day, people may make demands on our time, talents, energy, money and emotions. We do not have to say yes to every request. We do not have to feel guilty if we say no. And we do not have to allow the barrage of demands to control the course of our life.
We do not have to spend our life reacting to others and to the course they would prefer we took with our life.
We can set boundaries, firm limits on how far we shall go with others. We can trust and listen to ourselves. We can set goals and direction for OUR life. We can place value on ourselves.
We can own our power with people.
buy some time. Think about what YOU want. Consider how responding to another's needs will affect the course of your life. We live or own life by not letting other people, their expectations, and their demands control the course of our life. We can let them have their demands and expectations; we can allow them to have their feelings. We can own our power tochoose the path that is right for us.
today, God, help me own my power by detaching, and peacefully choosing the course of action that is right for me. help me know I can detach from the expectations and wants of others. help me stop pleasing other people and start pleasing myself.
==
Grats
I am grateful:
1. That I did go to visit M last night
2. That she ordered Chinese food
3. And picked it up
4. Vegan for me, of course.
5. And even paid for it.
6. And got a movie for a $1.30
7. And we spread out on the huge sectional (in the family room that is more than half the size of my house. Literally)
8. And each had a comforter.
9. And we watched a light, fluffy, worthless, cute little movie.
10. Like girlfriend/sisters.
11. And she bought me a used dvd of Les Choristes! Which I’m supposed to watch!
12. And I shall watch it once with English subtitles
13. And once without!
14. And who knows how many more times.
15. And I shall find a way to hear more French too!
16. A week off!
17. My house is almost in order, and before today is over, it will be in order!
18. And I *will * get to those report cards
19. And this week I have a French lesson
20. And a therapy session
21. And a museum date
22. And the doggie!
23. Whose sweet little breath I felt on myself this morning.
24. And exercise.
25. And I’m going to buy a little dvd player thing to use on the treadmill: ) Because the other one is broken
26. And I now have the exercise mat too.
27. Nice talk on phone with L yesterday morning.
28. Another great talk with sponsor this morning.
29. Sponsor is SUCH an inspiration to me!
30. I can do all that I have to do today. I can.
31. And I can do it all without rushing!
32. I. Am. A. Person.
33. For a long time I wondered if I’d *ever * feel that. And I *do * know it now.
34. I have done the apply-for-a-passport-stuff.
35. Whitney Houston’s funeral being televised
36. And it was inspirational to me
37. Hope. Hope hope hope.
38. Life
39. Breath
40. Voice
41. Legs
42. Hands
43. Maybe I will wind up with enough money to live after all
44. That I finally offered my services at school for playing the Star Spangled Banner
45. Will probably get to talk to MA today.
46. ***WILL be gentle on/with myself today.
47. Will be good to self today.
48. Ahhhh.
49. Will see Thich Nhat Hahn and/or his monks and nuns soon. Oh my gosh.
50. Flossing
51. Brushing
52. Rheinhold
53. Bach
54. My hair
55. My eyes
56. My freedom
57. All my freedoms
58. I don’t live under anyone’s thumb, exactly
59. I will probably not be alone forever.
60. An amazing breakfast. I bought it. It has sweet potato, grated, and red bell pep, and raw walnuts, and raisins.
61. And I’m eating it in a human portion.
62. And it’s GOOD FOR ME.
63. And I have plenty of water for today
64. And I practiced Bach yesterday, and a little Rhienhold.
65. New starts
66. That I’ve done some things I used to be afraid I couldn’t do.
67. That that should continue
68. My spirituality
69. Oprah
70. Eleanor Roosevelt
71. Hellen keller
72. Victor Hugo
73. Mother Teresa
74. Elie Weisel
75. Mindfulness meditation (sitting)
76. Mindfulness walking meditation
77. Mindfulness eating meditation
78. All of mindfulness
79. I might do some painting this week
80. New Age
81. People who are truly, internally, accepting of their bodies
82. My deep easy breath I just took a second ago
83. Dr. Oz
84. I’m not here alone today, because of precious doggie
85. That J and I are so good about that
86. M is with her girls right now: )
87. I’ll probably be spending (innocent) time with like 3 – 5 different guys soon. And that’s good for me.
88. And good for J to “see” too
89. My phone therapist
90. *The Steps!
91. The “Big Book”
92. Meetings. The miracle of meetings.
93. The miracle of what is changing within me from this daily work. Oh, thank God.
94. Prayer
95. The chance that I may be able to tutor soon
96. The chance that I may be able to give Reiki soon
97. Honesty
98. Not cheating on my taxes, ever.
99. That I have a checking account.
100. Online boggle
101. And so much more!
1. That I did go to visit M last night
2. That she ordered Chinese food
3. And picked it up
4. Vegan for me, of course.
5. And even paid for it.
6. And got a movie for a $1.30
7. And we spread out on the huge sectional (in the family room that is more than half the size of my house. Literally)
8. And each had a comforter.
9. And we watched a light, fluffy, worthless, cute little movie.
10. Like girlfriend/sisters.
11. And she bought me a used dvd of Les Choristes! Which I’m supposed to watch!
12. And I shall watch it once with English subtitles
13. And once without!
14. And who knows how many more times.
15. And I shall find a way to hear more French too!
16. A week off!
17. My house is almost in order, and before today is over, it will be in order!
18. And I *will * get to those report cards
19. And this week I have a French lesson
20. And a therapy session
21. And a museum date
22. And the doggie!
23. Whose sweet little breath I felt on myself this morning.
24. And exercise.
25. And I’m going to buy a little dvd player thing to use on the treadmill: ) Because the other one is broken
26. And I now have the exercise mat too.
27. Nice talk on phone with L yesterday morning.
28. Another great talk with sponsor this morning.
29. Sponsor is SUCH an inspiration to me!
30. I can do all that I have to do today. I can.
31. And I can do it all without rushing!
32. I. Am. A. Person.
33. For a long time I wondered if I’d *ever * feel that. And I *do * know it now.
34. I have done the apply-for-a-passport-stuff.
35. Whitney Houston’s funeral being televised
36. And it was inspirational to me
37. Hope. Hope hope hope.
38. Life
39. Breath
40. Voice
41. Legs
42. Hands
43. Maybe I will wind up with enough money to live after all
44. That I finally offered my services at school for playing the Star Spangled Banner
45. Will probably get to talk to MA today.
46. ***WILL be gentle on/with myself today.
47. Will be good to self today.
48. Ahhhh.
49. Will see Thich Nhat Hahn and/or his monks and nuns soon. Oh my gosh.
50. Flossing
51. Brushing
52. Rheinhold
53. Bach
54. My hair
55. My eyes
56. My freedom
57. All my freedoms
58. I don’t live under anyone’s thumb, exactly
59. I will probably not be alone forever.
60. An amazing breakfast. I bought it. It has sweet potato, grated, and red bell pep, and raw walnuts, and raisins.
61. And I’m eating it in a human portion.
62. And it’s GOOD FOR ME.
63. And I have plenty of water for today
64. And I practiced Bach yesterday, and a little Rhienhold.
65. New starts
66. That I’ve done some things I used to be afraid I couldn’t do.
67. That that should continue
68. My spirituality
69. Oprah
70. Eleanor Roosevelt
71. Hellen keller
72. Victor Hugo
73. Mother Teresa
74. Elie Weisel
75. Mindfulness meditation (sitting)
76. Mindfulness walking meditation
77. Mindfulness eating meditation
78. All of mindfulness
79. I might do some painting this week
80. New Age
81. People who are truly, internally, accepting of their bodies
82. My deep easy breath I just took a second ago
83. Dr. Oz
84. I’m not here alone today, because of precious doggie
85. That J and I are so good about that
86. M is with her girls right now: )
87. I’ll probably be spending (innocent) time with like 3 – 5 different guys soon. And that’s good for me.
88. And good for J to “see” too
89. My phone therapist
90. *The Steps!
91. The “Big Book”
92. Meetings. The miracle of meetings.
93. The miracle of what is changing within me from this daily work. Oh, thank God.
94. Prayer
95. The chance that I may be able to tutor soon
96. The chance that I may be able to give Reiki soon
97. Honesty
98. Not cheating on my taxes, ever.
99. That I have a checking account.
100. Online boggle
101. And so much more!
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Affirmations
I am worthy because God made me, and all of us. I am no different.
I am a great Buddhist.
I am real.
I am whole.
I am a person.
I am a full person.
I am a happy person.
All is right in my world.
Everything that is happening is happening for my good!
The universe and God are taking total care of me!
All is perfect!
I am well!
I have a present!
And I have a future!
I am a great Buddhist.
I am real.
I am whole.
I am a person.
I am a full person.
I am a happy person.
All is right in my world.
Everything that is happening is happening for my good!
The universe and God are taking total care of me!
All is perfect!
I am well!
I have a present!
And I have a future!
CoDA Morning Work Today
I feel:
Oh. My. Gosh.
My little magnet board is overfilled.
I used every single one (there are over two hundred) and not one of the negative ones fit. It's like, "Is this me?" Well yes, it is!
Here we go.
I feel:
Calm, healthy, gifted, alive, unencumbered (me! again!), thankful, optimistic, gratified, affirmed, capable, sacred, worthy (as all of God's creations are), vibrant (me!), reflective (in a good way), welcomed (M, and even O, and others too), accepted, divine, sane - because I am, cheerful (me?!), fortunate (for a million reasons), energized a bit, needed (M), rejuvenated - or if it were a word just plain juvenated!, better - by far, somewhat secure (God), and glorious (God), whole - omg me - whole!, forgiving, empowered, grand even, valued (by some and even myself), amazed by all the good in my life and in me right now!, just plain old amazed by it all!, amorous in a way, renewed - a biggy, somewhat safe (God), GRATEFUL!, fine, alive, awed, hopeful, somewhat trusting - in the big picture, open!, even thrilled, loving of Mother Earth, other creatures, plants and minerals; inspired by Whitney Houston's funeral yesterday, brave because of all I'm doing and even have done in some of my past, wonderful, appreciated (M, L, MA) welcoming and powerless and humble (program and life), FREE, delighted (all these new things)
And generally FANTASTIC!
Okay there is one: a little bit mistreated (J)
I think it is because:
All I've been doing
L's acceptance of me as I am
M's love for me
God made me
5 good things about me:
I am intelligent
I am deeply spiritual
I *want* to share that gift with others
My body knows what's good for it/me
I am compassionate
Oh. My. Gosh.
My little magnet board is overfilled.
I used every single one (there are over two hundred) and not one of the negative ones fit. It's like, "Is this me?" Well yes, it is!
Here we go.
I feel:
Calm, healthy, gifted, alive, unencumbered (me! again!), thankful, optimistic, gratified, affirmed, capable, sacred, worthy (as all of God's creations are), vibrant (me!), reflective (in a good way), welcomed (M, and even O, and others too), accepted, divine, sane - because I am, cheerful (me?!), fortunate (for a million reasons), energized a bit, needed (M), rejuvenated - or if it were a word just plain juvenated!, better - by far, somewhat secure (God), and glorious (God), whole - omg me - whole!, forgiving, empowered, grand even, valued (by some and even myself), amazed by all the good in my life and in me right now!, just plain old amazed by it all!, amorous in a way, renewed - a biggy, somewhat safe (God), GRATEFUL!, fine, alive, awed, hopeful, somewhat trusting - in the big picture, open!, even thrilled, loving of Mother Earth, other creatures, plants and minerals; inspired by Whitney Houston's funeral yesterday, brave because of all I'm doing and even have done in some of my past, wonderful, appreciated (M, L, MA) welcoming and powerless and humble (program and life), FREE, delighted (all these new things)
And generally FANTASTIC!
Okay there is one: a little bit mistreated (J)
I think it is because:
All I've been doing
L's acceptance of me as I am
M's love for me
God made me
5 good things about me:
I am intelligent
I am deeply spiritual
I *want* to share that gift with others
My body knows what's good for it/me
I am compassionate
Readings
For Today:
"Back of tranquility lies conquered unhappiness." David Grayson
"'Be optimistic . . . look on the bright side.' I have often tried to follow that advice, but it seldom brought solutions to my problems. It is difficult to get in touch with feelings, hold them up, and examine them in the light of sobriety and abstinence. But what a difference it makes! The great phantoms of misery vanish under such scrutiny, not because I've given them a coating of optimism, but because I worked my way through to the source of my unhappiness.
I know that I cannot do it alone. I need this program, my fellow OA members and my Higher Power with me every step of the way. Only with that help am I able to deal with my difficulties and turn over what I cannot handle. Serenity is letting go and letting God.
For today: Am I taking advantage of ALL the help O offers in trying to get at the root of my unhappiness? many choices are open to me: I can ask someone to sponsor me, go to a meeting, write an inventory or take steps five through nine."
Okay, Self - really time to move along with step 8 and do 9.
--
Voices of Recovery:
"Those of us who live this program don't simply carry the message, we are the message. Each day that we live well, we are well, and we embody the joy of recovery which attracts others who want what we've found in OA." OA 12 & 12 p. 106
I feel like I've already typed this one. But will continue anyway.
"When I am in recovery, I am better able to share the OA message with the world. My thoughts are clearer to me, and I can live my life according to the Steps and Traditions. I listen carefully to the messages of others and tell my fellow OA members what I was like and what I ahve done to save my life.
Staying abstinent and working the spiritual and emotional parts of this program are the only ways I can survive this deadly disease. When I depend on my Higher Power, my sponsor's wisdom, and the meetings i attend, my recovery grows daily. Using the tools keeps me focused on living to the best of my ability.
--
In This Moment:
"In This moment, I let go of past negative beliefs.
My negativity used to stop me from loving myself and loving others. Now, when old beliefs creep into my thought patterns. i remember the work I have done on Step Four. I remind myself of how much I have grown in recovery. I stop, own my behavior, and make positive changes.
Through experiencing change, I know in my heart that all is possible. When I realize that negativity is seeping into my thinking, I know that I have a choice to let go of old ways. If I am taking someone else's inventory, or taking my own, I remind myself that we are all children of God. Each one of us deserves to be treated with love and respect."
Wow. Even me.
--
The Language of Letting Go
"Our Path
I just spent several hours with someone from my group, and I feel like I'm losing my mind. This woman insisted that the only way I would make progress in my program was to go to her church and succumb to her religious rules. She pushed and insisted, and insisted and pushed. She's been in the program so much longer than I have. I kept thinking that she must know what she's talking about. But it didn't feel right. And now I feel crazy, afraid, guilty, and ashamed." - Anonymous
"The spiritual path and growth promised to us by the Twelve Steps dos not depend on any religious belief. They are not contingent upon any denomination or sect. They are not, as the traditions of Twelve Step programs state, affiliated with any religious denomination or organization.
we do not have to allow anyone to badger us about religion in recovery. We do not have to allow people to make us feel ashamed, afraid, or less-than because we do not subscribe to these beliefs about religion.
We do not have to let them do it to us in the name of God, love, or recovery.
The spiritual experience we will find as a result of recovery and the TWelve STeps will be our own spiritual experience. It will be a relationship with God, a Higher Power as we understand God.
Each of us must find our own spiritual path. Each of us must build our own relationship with God as we understand God. Each of us needs a Power greater than ourselves. These concepts are critical to recovery.
So is the freedom to choose how to do that.
Higher Power, help me know that I don't have to allow anyone to shame or badger me into religious beliefs. If they confuse that with the spirituality available in recovery, help me give their issue back to them. Help me discover and develop my own spirituality, a path that works for me. Guide me, with Divine Wisdom, as I grow spiritually.
==
"Back of tranquility lies conquered unhappiness." David Grayson
"'Be optimistic . . . look on the bright side.' I have often tried to follow that advice, but it seldom brought solutions to my problems. It is difficult to get in touch with feelings, hold them up, and examine them in the light of sobriety and abstinence. But what a difference it makes! The great phantoms of misery vanish under such scrutiny, not because I've given them a coating of optimism, but because I worked my way through to the source of my unhappiness.
I know that I cannot do it alone. I need this program, my fellow OA members and my Higher Power with me every step of the way. Only with that help am I able to deal with my difficulties and turn over what I cannot handle. Serenity is letting go and letting God.
For today: Am I taking advantage of ALL the help O offers in trying to get at the root of my unhappiness? many choices are open to me: I can ask someone to sponsor me, go to a meeting, write an inventory or take steps five through nine."
Okay, Self - really time to move along with step 8 and do 9.
--
Voices of Recovery:
"Those of us who live this program don't simply carry the message, we are the message. Each day that we live well, we are well, and we embody the joy of recovery which attracts others who want what we've found in OA." OA 12 & 12 p. 106
I feel like I've already typed this one. But will continue anyway.
"When I am in recovery, I am better able to share the OA message with the world. My thoughts are clearer to me, and I can live my life according to the Steps and Traditions. I listen carefully to the messages of others and tell my fellow OA members what I was like and what I ahve done to save my life.
Staying abstinent and working the spiritual and emotional parts of this program are the only ways I can survive this deadly disease. When I depend on my Higher Power, my sponsor's wisdom, and the meetings i attend, my recovery grows daily. Using the tools keeps me focused on living to the best of my ability.
--
In This Moment:
"In This moment, I let go of past negative beliefs.
My negativity used to stop me from loving myself and loving others. Now, when old beliefs creep into my thought patterns. i remember the work I have done on Step Four. I remind myself of how much I have grown in recovery. I stop, own my behavior, and make positive changes.
Through experiencing change, I know in my heart that all is possible. When I realize that negativity is seeping into my thinking, I know that I have a choice to let go of old ways. If I am taking someone else's inventory, or taking my own, I remind myself that we are all children of God. Each one of us deserves to be treated with love and respect."
Wow. Even me.
--
The Language of Letting Go
"Our Path
I just spent several hours with someone from my group, and I feel like I'm losing my mind. This woman insisted that the only way I would make progress in my program was to go to her church and succumb to her religious rules. She pushed and insisted, and insisted and pushed. She's been in the program so much longer than I have. I kept thinking that she must know what she's talking about. But it didn't feel right. And now I feel crazy, afraid, guilty, and ashamed." - Anonymous
"The spiritual path and growth promised to us by the Twelve Steps dos not depend on any religious belief. They are not contingent upon any denomination or sect. They are not, as the traditions of Twelve Step programs state, affiliated with any religious denomination or organization.
we do not have to allow anyone to badger us about religion in recovery. We do not have to allow people to make us feel ashamed, afraid, or less-than because we do not subscribe to these beliefs about religion.
We do not have to let them do it to us in the name of God, love, or recovery.
The spiritual experience we will find as a result of recovery and the TWelve STeps will be our own spiritual experience. It will be a relationship with God, a Higher Power as we understand God.
Each of us must find our own spiritual path. Each of us must build our own relationship with God as we understand God. Each of us needs a Power greater than ourselves. These concepts are critical to recovery.
So is the freedom to choose how to do that.
Higher Power, help me know that I don't have to allow anyone to shame or badger me into religious beliefs. If they confuse that with the spirituality available in recovery, help me give their issue back to them. Help me discover and develop my own spirituality, a path that works for me. Guide me, with Divine Wisdom, as I grow spiritually.
==
Grats
I am grateful:
1. I am so grateful that I took my mother to the bank and shopping early yesterday.
2. First of all, there was no line at the bank lol
3. And that made it that I could get where I needed to on time.
4. That I was able, through J (unfortunately) and the bank person, to find out my safe deposit box with the papers in it is at the other branch.
5. And I got there.
6. On time.
7. And got out my original birth certificate.
8. And looking at it felt nice. Like my parents had the baby and that was the info and there I was, an innocent, new, maybe – probably - loved little baby.
9. And they were young and hopeful.
10. It was a piece of my history.
11. And I think today, that that experience yesterday, made me feel real.
12. And then I did it. I went over to the post office, and did everything they said, and *got myself * a passport.
13. And all that too, made me feel human. And real. And whole.
14. The government paperwork acknowledging me.
15. The adorable – my age – man helping me.
16. I’m seriously going to find out if that man is married, and if he isn’t, I’m going to invite him to lunch. We work in the same neighborhood.
17. Watching him do the paperwork seemed so – mundane. Like whatever it was that happened last week – same feeling. Like, blah blah blah, these are just the REGULAR things. Regular things people less bright than I, equally bright, and brighter, just do. Not some magic I didn’t get.
18. And I got the picture. I don’t care what it looked like, as long as it is recognizable as me. Bottom line here.
19. And then I cried on the way home. Cried because another, deeper level of realizing I am a person. I am worthy, as everyone else is. I do exist. I am me. Oh my God, I am so grateful to you for that.
20. My doctor thinks I made myself smaller because it felt like the only way to build J up (unconsciously of course). I don’t think so, but I’m grateful for the thought.
21. *I * think I always had these problems and had to get to this point to straighten them out. Not fight them or myself, but gentle myself through them.
22. Probably it’s both.
23. I’m grateful for L. He opens some doors for me, psychologically speaking. I do NOT want a relationship OR sex right now! Just a friendship or 5, and the diversion.
24. And I will continue on having them.
25. Grateful that I could be charmed by that post office guy: )
26. I feel that I can fully accept my spiritual nature now. I must aide it and my staying alive by exercise, of course. But it’s okay that I’m so intensely spiritual. It’s good even. It’s who God made me to be!
27. I am free to be me! Oh, thank you, God.
28. And I might be able to find a couple of children to tutor. I’m very good at it and I could earn a little bit of money.
29. And – I’m thinking of giving Reiki. I am at the level you need to be to do it, and my spirituality and compassion are so big. And I even have a table. I could charge just a little, because I really want to share this gift with others, but still make a few dollars. Mainly though, be giving!
30. And – it might even be really worthwhile after I retire! A way of living and giving and being useful to others!
31. Very nice 1 hour 15 minute talk with L just now, on phone. Nice. Very nice.
32. And I shall go to a museum with him this week. I *believe * he is a decent man.
33. And I think I shall see the movie, “My Week with Marilyn” today with M : )
34. And I will do some stuff around here.
35. And take GOOD care of myself!
36. And exercise.
37. My breath. My breath is just so much deeper so much more frequently, than it has been in years. It used to stop at like, my breastbone. Now it’s down to my navel. I have found my breath. I am so grateful.
38. I am free to be myself!!!!!!!!!! For the first time ever, my HEALTHY self!
39. I am beyond grateful to Birdie and Jj and EJ. Words cannot say. And to all 7 officially listed “followers.” And to every person who reads my blog. I am not alone in cyber-space. I am growing, and I might even be helping someone else.
40. I feel relaxed. I have to do some cleaning, cooking and laundry, yet I feel relaxed.
41. A whole week off. Adding to the relaxed feeling, of course.
42. Picking up doggie tonight!
43. Probably will have til Thursday night! And then again Sat. and Sun. Or even straight through!
44. I am grateful that Roseanne was on at a ridiculously early time this am
45. And then The Nanny
46. And now Hot in Cleveland. I know these shows are ridiculous, but they give me cheer, as background.
47. I am hungry. And therefore I shall take a break from grats and go eat. And that’s a good thing.
48. I am grateful for the view I’m looking at right now.
49. The blue blue sky
50. The oak tree
51. A little bit of some building beyond, but it adds perspective
52. And the wind playing with the branches
53. And the sole brown leaf
54. I’m grateful for my eyesight
55. And for the amazing spirituality I’m feeling this weekend.
56. And for the idea of tutoring
57. Or even doing Reiki
58. For a little money, which I do need
59. And that my mother is not in a hospital or a nursing home today. Yay.
60. And for my new e-mail account. No one else has the password, so I feel perfectly free there.
61. Same with the one that goes to this.
62. And for Betty White. In sitcoms.
63. But also her personal attitude.
64. Squirrels
65. And having seem some black ones
66. And one white one, several times, where I got my Master’s Degree.
67. And a few that were more reddish than grey/brown
68. Coloring
69. Great artists
70. Innocence, like in doggies and children.
71. Dishwashing detergent
72. Fresh fruit! Oranges and apples and a banana in my kitchen right now!
73. Access to plenty of fresh, clean water.
74. Bach
75. Piano
76. I think I’ll practice today.
77. French!
78. I’m going to England!!!!!!!
79. And I’ll bring back things I can use at work!
80. MA, even though some hard times now. I’m so grateful for her deep, close friendship.
81. And for her appreciation of ME.
82. And mine of HER.
83. Getting to work literally next door to my very close friend, M, who is in many ways like a real sister should be.
84. And that she feels the same about me.
85. My “Reiki ring.”
86. My legs
87. My skin. I’m grateful. Really.
88. That I can hear. I can hear birds sing
89. And water move
90. And leaves rustle
91. And people speak
92. And doggie woof. Really. When she does it, it sounds like a small, “Woof.”
93. And O’s bird
94. And wood floors
95. And a tv
96. And magazines
97. And books
98. And electricity
99. And a washer and dryer right here in my home
100. And that they work
101. And heat!
1. I am so grateful that I took my mother to the bank and shopping early yesterday.
2. First of all, there was no line at the bank lol
3. And that made it that I could get where I needed to on time.
4. That I was able, through J (unfortunately) and the bank person, to find out my safe deposit box with the papers in it is at the other branch.
5. And I got there.
6. On time.
7. And got out my original birth certificate.
8. And looking at it felt nice. Like my parents had the baby and that was the info and there I was, an innocent, new, maybe – probably - loved little baby.
9. And they were young and hopeful.
10. It was a piece of my history.
11. And I think today, that that experience yesterday, made me feel real.
12. And then I did it. I went over to the post office, and did everything they said, and *got myself * a passport.
13. And all that too, made me feel human. And real. And whole.
14. The government paperwork acknowledging me.
15. The adorable – my age – man helping me.
16. I’m seriously going to find out if that man is married, and if he isn’t, I’m going to invite him to lunch. We work in the same neighborhood.
17. Watching him do the paperwork seemed so – mundane. Like whatever it was that happened last week – same feeling. Like, blah blah blah, these are just the REGULAR things. Regular things people less bright than I, equally bright, and brighter, just do. Not some magic I didn’t get.
18. And I got the picture. I don’t care what it looked like, as long as it is recognizable as me. Bottom line here.
19. And then I cried on the way home. Cried because another, deeper level of realizing I am a person. I am worthy, as everyone else is. I do exist. I am me. Oh my God, I am so grateful to you for that.
20. My doctor thinks I made myself smaller because it felt like the only way to build J up (unconsciously of course). I don’t think so, but I’m grateful for the thought.
21. *I * think I always had these problems and had to get to this point to straighten them out. Not fight them or myself, but gentle myself through them.
22. Probably it’s both.
23. I’m grateful for L. He opens some doors for me, psychologically speaking. I do NOT want a relationship OR sex right now! Just a friendship or 5, and the diversion.
24. And I will continue on having them.
25. Grateful that I could be charmed by that post office guy: )
26. I feel that I can fully accept my spiritual nature now. I must aide it and my staying alive by exercise, of course. But it’s okay that I’m so intensely spiritual. It’s good even. It’s who God made me to be!
27. I am free to be me! Oh, thank you, God.
28. And I might be able to find a couple of children to tutor. I’m very good at it and I could earn a little bit of money.
29. And – I’m thinking of giving Reiki. I am at the level you need to be to do it, and my spirituality and compassion are so big. And I even have a table. I could charge just a little, because I really want to share this gift with others, but still make a few dollars. Mainly though, be giving!
30. And – it might even be really worthwhile after I retire! A way of living and giving and being useful to others!
31. Very nice 1 hour 15 minute talk with L just now, on phone. Nice. Very nice.
32. And I shall go to a museum with him this week. I *believe * he is a decent man.
33. And I think I shall see the movie, “My Week with Marilyn” today with M : )
34. And I will do some stuff around here.
35. And take GOOD care of myself!
36. And exercise.
37. My breath. My breath is just so much deeper so much more frequently, than it has been in years. It used to stop at like, my breastbone. Now it’s down to my navel. I have found my breath. I am so grateful.
38. I am free to be myself!!!!!!!!!! For the first time ever, my HEALTHY self!
39. I am beyond grateful to Birdie and Jj and EJ. Words cannot say. And to all 7 officially listed “followers.” And to every person who reads my blog. I am not alone in cyber-space. I am growing, and I might even be helping someone else.
40. I feel relaxed. I have to do some cleaning, cooking and laundry, yet I feel relaxed.
41. A whole week off. Adding to the relaxed feeling, of course.
42. Picking up doggie tonight!
43. Probably will have til Thursday night! And then again Sat. and Sun. Or even straight through!
44. I am grateful that Roseanne was on at a ridiculously early time this am
45. And then The Nanny
46. And now Hot in Cleveland. I know these shows are ridiculous, but they give me cheer, as background.
47. I am hungry. And therefore I shall take a break from grats and go eat. And that’s a good thing.
48. I am grateful for the view I’m looking at right now.
49. The blue blue sky
50. The oak tree
51. A little bit of some building beyond, but it adds perspective
52. And the wind playing with the branches
53. And the sole brown leaf
54. I’m grateful for my eyesight
55. And for the amazing spirituality I’m feeling this weekend.
56. And for the idea of tutoring
57. Or even doing Reiki
58. For a little money, which I do need
59. And that my mother is not in a hospital or a nursing home today. Yay.
60. And for my new e-mail account. No one else has the password, so I feel perfectly free there.
61. Same with the one that goes to this.
62. And for Betty White. In sitcoms.
63. But also her personal attitude.
64. Squirrels
65. And having seem some black ones
66. And one white one, several times, where I got my Master’s Degree.
67. And a few that were more reddish than grey/brown
68. Coloring
69. Great artists
70. Innocence, like in doggies and children.
71. Dishwashing detergent
72. Fresh fruit! Oranges and apples and a banana in my kitchen right now!
73. Access to plenty of fresh, clean water.
74. Bach
75. Piano
76. I think I’ll practice today.
77. French!
78. I’m going to England!!!!!!!
79. And I’ll bring back things I can use at work!
80. MA, even though some hard times now. I’m so grateful for her deep, close friendship.
81. And for her appreciation of ME.
82. And mine of HER.
83. Getting to work literally next door to my very close friend, M, who is in many ways like a real sister should be.
84. And that she feels the same about me.
85. My “Reiki ring.”
86. My legs
87. My skin. I’m grateful. Really.
88. That I can hear. I can hear birds sing
89. And water move
90. And leaves rustle
91. And people speak
92. And doggie woof. Really. When she does it, it sounds like a small, “Woof.”
93. And O’s bird
94. And wood floors
95. And a tv
96. And magazines
97. And books
98. And electricity
99. And a washer and dryer right here in my home
100. And that they work
101. And heat!
Saturday, February 18, 2012
I Am A Person! and
I am a person with a passport.
It's like: I exist.
I REALLY do.
I went to the bank -
turns out was wrong branch
went to other branch
got original birth certificate
went to post office
woman on phone had given me incorrect information - they were booked and only do appointment only! she'd said walk-ins - in two separate phone calls on two separate days!
but they took me!
and I had everything I needed
and it wasn't scary
in fact, the guy was cute, my age (he told me) and even a bit flirtatious. I'm gonna find out if he's married (no ring) and if not, I'm gonna ssk him to lunch!
Anyway, I AM a person.
You've said you know it.
The government knows it.
My students know it.
Their parents know it.
My colleagues know it.
My friends know it.
My family knows it.
My doctor knows it.
And now, finally, I know it.
I, who had gotten so phobic I couldn't go to the drugstore, just went and got a passport!
And I called M crying and told her and she got it!
And I'm going there tonight for dinner.
Oh God, thank you. Thank you.
It's like: I exist.
I REALLY do.
I went to the bank -
turns out was wrong branch
went to other branch
got original birth certificate
went to post office
woman on phone had given me incorrect information - they were booked and only do appointment only! she'd said walk-ins - in two separate phone calls on two separate days!
but they took me!
and I had everything I needed
and it wasn't scary
in fact, the guy was cute, my age (he told me) and even a bit flirtatious. I'm gonna find out if he's married (no ring) and if not, I'm gonna ssk him to lunch!
Anyway, I AM a person.
You've said you know it.
The government knows it.
My students know it.
Their parents know it.
My colleagues know it.
My friends know it.
My family knows it.
My doctor knows it.
And now, finally, I know it.
I, who had gotten so phobic I couldn't go to the drugstore, just went and got a passport!
And I called M crying and told her and she got it!
And I'm going there tonight for dinner.
Oh God, thank you. Thank you.
Affirmations
Every day in every way, I'm getting better and better.
I can do it.
The past is gone. I live only in the present.
I love myself unconditionally and accept myself as I am.
God and the universe take perfect care of me!
All is well in my world, present and future!
I can do it.
The past is gone. I live only in the present.
I love myself unconditionally and accept myself as I am.
God and the universe take perfect care of me!
All is well in my world, present and future!
CoDA Work This Morning
I feel:
Unsure - because my financial future, thanks to the stupid law, is at this point partly dependent on J's integrity
Rejected and jilted by J after we took vows
Unsure, and even a little worried about getting passport - ability to do so. And about above financial stuff
Entangled - with him
Exhausted - sort of in advance, because unsure regarding the things I have to do
Disconnected - from J and even his family a la my dream last night
A little bit shaky about it all
Bothered too
AND
Powerless and welcoming to caring for my body, with God's help
AND
Grateful - for so much
Optimistic - I just feel all will work out for me
Worthy - because God made me
Trusting - somehow I still am. I think J might well do the right thing
Sacred - God made me and is with me
Valued - at work, by principal, colleagues, and many parents
Glorious - I'm part of something bigger - and it is God and collectiveness with people and the universe
Blessed - to have so much
Fortunate - in a million ways - body, job, home, abilities, accomplishments, etc.
Renewed - to *do* my life. *Live* my life
Somewhat secure - despite it all
Somewhat energized - to have a great week off. And I don't have the amount of cleaning to do that I had in Dec.
Unencumbered in a way. Because so far in my life, I *do* manage to do what need
Calm - Amazingly, surprisingly, gratefully calm!
Fulfilled - inside ME! (I can hardly believe I'm able to feel/say these things!)
Healthy - just do
Alive - because am, and can feel it now
Better - than I was last year at same time!!!! And even two months ago!
Sane - because I am
Gifted - in some ways, like fast thinking, fast typing, empath, language, piano, open-mindedness, creativity, so attuned to other dimension like meditation and reiki - such a quick response - so in touch internally with what my body needs
Five good things about me:
1. I am brave
2. I am now positive. I am actually a positive person.
3. I made that change myself. It was hard and I did it.
4. I'm planning my own trip to England!
5. I'm doing French homework. Have found things enjoy! And am doing them!
Unsure - because my financial future, thanks to the stupid law, is at this point partly dependent on J's integrity
Rejected and jilted by J after we took vows
Unsure, and even a little worried about getting passport - ability to do so. And about above financial stuff
Entangled - with him
Exhausted - sort of in advance, because unsure regarding the things I have to do
Disconnected - from J and even his family a la my dream last night
A little bit shaky about it all
Bothered too
AND
Powerless and welcoming to caring for my body, with God's help
AND
Grateful - for so much
Optimistic - I just feel all will work out for me
Worthy - because God made me
Trusting - somehow I still am. I think J might well do the right thing
Sacred - God made me and is with me
Valued - at work, by principal, colleagues, and many parents
Glorious - I'm part of something bigger - and it is God and collectiveness with people and the universe
Blessed - to have so much
Fortunate - in a million ways - body, job, home, abilities, accomplishments, etc.
Renewed - to *do* my life. *Live* my life
Somewhat secure - despite it all
Somewhat energized - to have a great week off. And I don't have the amount of cleaning to do that I had in Dec.
Unencumbered in a way. Because so far in my life, I *do* manage to do what need
Calm - Amazingly, surprisingly, gratefully calm!
Fulfilled - inside ME! (I can hardly believe I'm able to feel/say these things!)
Healthy - just do
Alive - because am, and can feel it now
Better - than I was last year at same time!!!! And even two months ago!
Sane - because I am
Gifted - in some ways, like fast thinking, fast typing, empath, language, piano, open-mindedness, creativity, so attuned to other dimension like meditation and reiki - such a quick response - so in touch internally with what my body needs
Five good things about me:
1. I am brave
2. I am now positive. I am actually a positive person.
3. I made that change myself. It was hard and I did it.
4. I'm planning my own trip to England!
5. I'm doing French homework. Have found things enjoy! And am doing them!
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