I'd rather type them here than write them in my notebook today.
Um. Let me think.
I am grateful.
1. Hearing little Phoebe's little woof just now.
2. The smile on my face, interrupting grats and giving her a treat. She had woofed for help getting off the bed!
3. Enjoying watching the red carpet and some of the Oscars last night.
4. A good oa meeting yesterday.
5. I'm alive and can breath, and speak, and walk, and use my hands.
6. I do not have a terminal illness.
7. I hear little Phoebe drinking her water. I just love that sound.
8. I am still smiling. Huh?
9. Hope for me and John as we become more whole.
10. Warm house and fresh coffee and a bit of time to sit here doing program work and gratitudes here before "jumping up" and getting ready for work.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Gratitudes Schmatitudes
I just don't want to do them.
I want my John back.
I want my house to look nice.
I want to feel and look and be younger.
Shit.
Okay. I'll do them here instead of notebook today.
I am grateful:
1. Little Phoebe is sitting on my head and the top of the sofa. I love her.
2. I am alive and there is hope.
3. I had a nice time with Meredith and the girls yesterday. Being with a 4 and a 6 year old is a smiley bubbly thing.
4. I drove there fine.
5. I had a great and healthy lunch and she paid.
6. I have friends.
7. I will see John today.
8. I will have Indian food today.
9. I will watch some Oscars and/or red carpet later.
10. I have enough clean clothes to wear to work tomorrow, and probably Tuesday.
Thank you God.
I want my John back.
I want my house to look nice.
I want to feel and look and be younger.
Shit.
Okay. I'll do them here instead of notebook today.
I am grateful:
1. Little Phoebe is sitting on my head and the top of the sofa. I love her.
2. I am alive and there is hope.
3. I had a nice time with Meredith and the girls yesterday. Being with a 4 and a 6 year old is a smiley bubbly thing.
4. I drove there fine.
5. I had a great and healthy lunch and she paid.
6. I have friends.
7. I will see John today.
8. I will have Indian food today.
9. I will watch some Oscars and/or red carpet later.
10. I have enough clean clothes to wear to work tomorrow, and probably Tuesday.
Thank you God.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Actually Some Things I'm Learning was written on jan 29 but
saved as draft instead of posted.
Even with help from a very generous vber, I am unable to make a new category for Recipes.
But - no big deal:)
Even with help from a very generous vber, I am unable to make a new category for Recipes.
But - no big deal:)
Some Things I'm Learning
Waiting
Sitting around not making changes
what?
waiting for it to get better on its own
no - more likely frozen -
was one of the worst things I've ever done
Sitting around not making changes
what?
waiting for it to get better on its own
no - more likely frozen -
was one of the worst things I've ever done
Great "Stuff I Had around" Soup!
INGREDIENTS
· 3 T extra virgin olive oil
· nice amount garlic powder (or cloves, if have)
· hot pep flakes (optional)
· about 15 baby carrots, cut up
· 2 large onions, cut up
· about 6 stalks celery, with tops, cut up
· one can cannellini beans, drained and rinsed (standard like 14 oz size) (or use dried oned)
· one can chick peas, drained and rinsed (same size) (or use dried ones)
· one can diced tomatoes (large, like about 28 oz) (or can use fresh tomatoes, or sauce or Italian canned plum tomatoes, or crushed, I’m sure)
· veg broth – about 16 ounces – I used what I had leftover of 2 different types – I don’t think it matters – could probably use cubes if had to
· water
· about half bag frozen broccoli florets (could use fresh, I’m sure)
· one box frozen whole leaf spinach (could use fresh, or chopped, I’m sure)
· black pep
· dried oregano
· dried parsley (could use fresh, I’m sure)
· good amount sage
· even more rosemary
DIRECTIONS:
· Heat oil, garlic, hot pep (if using) in soup pot
· Add the carrots, onions, and celery
· Cook with lid on til softened (10 minutes or more)
· Remove cover and sautee (another 10 or so – they’ll start to look translucent), stirring a little bit
· Throw in the cannellini beans and chick peas and diced tomatoes and veg broth , broccoli, spinach, and water (a cup or two of water – til you think it looks like you want it to)
· Add the spices
· Stir
· Bring to boil
· Then simmer, covered (or uncover on and off if it won’t stop boiling) for about 2 ½ hours, stirring every 10 – 15 minutes
Enjoy!
Musings
The Big Realization
So for many years, there has been a feature of ML that I have envied. *Not* wished she didn't have! Just wished I had it too! The more-than-okay-alone-ness.
I can't tell you how many times I've asked her, tried to ask her, or asked Mary Allen about her, what she *does* with her time. Then thought I should do it, or tried to do it too.
Come to realize. Finally. Oy. It doesn't matter. It was never about what she does. Who cares if she loves to read mysteries. Yes, I've tried some of the ones she was reading and couldn't really get into them.
Duh.
The answer was never in the mysteries. Or any of the other things she was doing. It was in her inside-okay-ness.
*That's* where it was, and is. And *that* is what I must find for myself.
Duh!
The Golden Girls
Why was I almost obsessed with that show for so long?
Yes, I still think it's cute, and like the house etc. etc. etc.
But there were really two (not healthy) reasons.
1. Their okayness inside themselves. Theme, anyone?
2. Their okayness alone. Holy Moly, was I Law of Attractioning it? Oh no.
Grateful for Ambivalence?
Thank God for John's ambilvalence - the maybe still wanting us to be together, because I do!
And the maybe not, because it's been forcing me to become whole and him to grow too
A Little Fun Time Alone?
I just read some msn stuff about the oscars - and I enjoyed it! Siting here alone, I smiled!
Women Friends
I have been a good friend to a number of women throughout so many years. Loyal, there in hard times, able to laugh together, sharing my emotional truths honestly...
But -
in ways, I have never really even been there. Because always, always, it was all about John and my obsessive need for him. Even a couple of hours with girlfriends was always only kind of either: if I couldn't be with John at that time, or, an investment I had to make although I'd much rather be with John, or, well I want to spend time with my friends, it's just a shame that it has to be time without John.
A Shameful Truth
I thought I was better than others - safer, luckier, maybe coming-across-as-more-deserving. Because always had my beautiful John. We were united. ... Really, was not whole.
Want to be whole and be with John.
I am genuinely hungry.
My abstinence today:
3 meals
some green veggies
no white flour as such
So for many years, there has been a feature of ML that I have envied. *Not* wished she didn't have! Just wished I had it too! The more-than-okay-alone-ness.
I can't tell you how many times I've asked her, tried to ask her, or asked Mary Allen about her, what she *does* with her time. Then thought I should do it, or tried to do it too.
Come to realize. Finally. Oy. It doesn't matter. It was never about what she does. Who cares if she loves to read mysteries. Yes, I've tried some of the ones she was reading and couldn't really get into them.
Duh.
The answer was never in the mysteries. Or any of the other things she was doing. It was in her inside-okay-ness.
*That's* where it was, and is. And *that* is what I must find for myself.
Duh!
The Golden Girls
Why was I almost obsessed with that show for so long?
Yes, I still think it's cute, and like the house etc. etc. etc.
But there were really two (not healthy) reasons.
1. Their okayness inside themselves. Theme, anyone?
2. Their okayness alone. Holy Moly, was I Law of Attractioning it? Oh no.
Grateful for Ambivalence?
Thank God for John's ambilvalence - the maybe still wanting us to be together, because I do!
And the maybe not, because it's been forcing me to become whole and him to grow too
A Little Fun Time Alone?
I just read some msn stuff about the oscars - and I enjoyed it! Siting here alone, I smiled!
Women Friends
I have been a good friend to a number of women throughout so many years. Loyal, there in hard times, able to laugh together, sharing my emotional truths honestly...
But -
in ways, I have never really even been there. Because always, always, it was all about John and my obsessive need for him. Even a couple of hours with girlfriends was always only kind of either: if I couldn't be with John at that time, or, an investment I had to make although I'd much rather be with John, or, well I want to spend time with my friends, it's just a shame that it has to be time without John.
A Shameful Truth
I thought I was better than others - safer, luckier, maybe coming-across-as-more-deserving. Because always had my beautiful John. We were united. ... Really, was not whole.
Want to be whole and be with John.
I am genuinely hungry.
My abstinence today:
3 meals
some green veggies
no white flour as such
Friday, February 25, 2011
My Abstinence, for Today
3 meals. And some green veggies. And no real white flour.
That's all.
Just 3 meals. Some green veggies, and no real white flour.
I can do this. It is one day. And I have prayed for help.
That's all.
Just 3 meals. Some green veggies, and no real white flour.
I can do this. It is one day. And I have prayed for help.
?
Lots to say, but don't even want to get into anything right now. Probably smarter to go and eat some green veggies . . .
But -
sadness,
sorrow,
regret,
guilt,
self-anger,
wishes to not be here,...
all of it notwithstanding,
the truth is,
I *have to* become a whole person.
Wish had long ago.
And must.
It is my only hope anway.
So note to self: when get so overwhelmingly sad, try to remember: it's all irrelevant in a way - you just must become a whole person, period.
I'm saying this badly, but there's a point in there somewhere.
But -
sadness,
sorrow,
regret,
guilt,
self-anger,
wishes to not be here,...
all of it notwithstanding,
the truth is,
I *have to* become a whole person.
Wish had long ago.
And must.
It is my only hope anway.
So note to self: when get so overwhelmingly sad, try to remember: it's all irrelevant in a way - you just must become a whole person, period.
I'm saying this badly, but there's a point in there somewhere.
Wow
I'm thinking back to when I was invited to give the Ideals talk at Cursillo, and how I took the little notebook thing - I guess I *asked Jim for one* and started writing. And he said, smiling, "Let me guess. 'Ideals Ideas.'"
That memory strongly resonates of a few things:
1. The feelings I had inside were very little-girl-trying-to-do-something-look-at-me-I'm-like-a-big-girl-now-of-course-it's-more-showing-off-to-husband-and-pretending-to-be-something-because-I'm-really-a-very-little-girl.
2. Did I become fat, in a pathological attempt to not be such a little girl.
3. Glomning onto Gennaro in high school.
4. Joe in college.
5. Jim, and the 20 minutes sitting in his shirt getting ready to even speak at a theater meeting, even to read beyond a whisper.
6. How very much I have not existed except for someone else who unconditionally loves me watching me.
7. How very much nothing I did was real. Or worth anything except for the someone else.
8. The someone else was a poor attempt at being parented.
9. How very much I want to ask John to take me to the city tonight for a meeting.
10. And how much I've used food to avoid these things. Avoid facing them. Dealing with them. Changing them.
I want to grow up.
I wish I'd have done it sooner. I wish I *could've* done it sooner.
I should go easier on myself. Because I couldn't.
I am doing what I can.
God bless me.
Wow.
That memory strongly resonates of a few things:
1. The feelings I had inside were very little-girl-trying-to-do-something-look-at-me-I'm-like-a-big-girl-now-of-course-it's-more-showing-off-to-husband-and-pretending-to-be-something-because-I'm-really-a-very-little-girl.
2. Did I become fat, in a pathological attempt to not be such a little girl.
3. Glomning onto Gennaro in high school.
4. Joe in college.
5. Jim, and the 20 minutes sitting in his shirt getting ready to even speak at a theater meeting, even to read beyond a whisper.
6. How very much I have not existed except for someone else who unconditionally loves me watching me.
7. How very much nothing I did was real. Or worth anything except for the someone else.
8. The someone else was a poor attempt at being parented.
9. How very much I want to ask John to take me to the city tonight for a meeting.
10. And how much I've used food to avoid these things. Avoid facing them. Dealing with them. Changing them.
I want to grow up.
I wish I'd have done it sooner. I wish I *could've* done it sooner.
I should go easier on myself. Because I couldn't.
I am doing what I can.
God bless me.
Wow.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
More Lessons in Life
So much.
Afraid to even get it all out, as can be depressing.
But here is some of the good stuff:
Am off this week, and instead of being purely terrified, awakened Monday feeling grateful for life and for having awakened. (What?!)
Straightened kitchen, fridge and freezer, food cabinet, and living room. Put out new stuff in l.r. Rug didn't look right so am going to put in den (where seems better).
Also made pot of the Bean Cuisine Ultima Pasta Fagiola
Felt: settled and good to be a room or 2 away from the clutter, but nervous. Like John wouldn't like, or like I don't deserve, or like, "What if it were to *all* get done, then the emptiness would rear up fully."
Tuesday made own version of the soup, and included green veggies (will post recipe when figure out how). And took mother to see King's Speech. Had great time doing that.
After, felt like coming home to l.r. and having some nice tea. But came to den. Felt depressed.
Evening watched tv and went to bed early.
Today (Wednesday), John dropped off Phoebe *before* he went to see Paul. I wasn't sure he should, even, having seen her there yesterday when I went over to pick up the Optimum card, and having seen how *happy* she was! Anyway, he did. And - veggie board thought it good for her to be here anyway, and maybe going back and forth, much to my (happy) surprise.
Then after Paul, he came for visit to look at washing machine and read the Mindfulness Trainings together. I'd been hoping and had expected that that would be later, and we'd share a soup lunch together.
We visited. It was nice. But not as good here as elsewhere. He was enthusiastic about the l.r. changes. Clearly didn't like his two presents (soul portrait and blooming tea set) but was very gracious about the tea and will use it, I think. (And we laughed about the other).
The washer, alas, is broken.
He said, "What will you do until get another one? Go to the laundrymat?" I said, "Yes." He looked concerned and said, "I shouldn't really say this kind of thing, according to Paul, but just this once, I could take some of it and do 2 or 3 loads for you." I said, "That's sweet. Thank you. And no." He replied, "Really, I could do 2 or 3 loads to help you get through so you have what you need for work and everything." He *looked to me* genuinely concerned and sweet, but sort of afraid of what he was saying. I said, and I am quoting myself directly, "That's so sweet. Thank you. And no." He did look kind of relieved lol.
He was 100% sure he does *not* want to go to Colorado for the mindfulness week in August.
And had no interest in DisneyWorld.
Said he needs to get to work, get *into* life, not get away.
I understand; I work most weeks and very hard, and want the getaway...
Disappointed, because would love to have some fun with him, and would love the retreat together. But *not* if it's not good for him!
It was a tad uncomfortable with the gifts and getaway talks...
Anyway, we did the Mindfulness Trainings. That was nice.
Then when he was leaving I had a few more quick things to say and it kind of felt like he might feel I was holding me back.
After he left, I felt kind of depressed.
Empty.
Called Mary Allen. Was going to ask her if I could come there for a couple of hours and read my CoDA stuff there...
But she was about to take her nap so I didn't ask.
Called Maureen to see if wanted to go to Ossining tonight. Felt like with her i would go, but not alone. *Hope* this is not too co-dependent!
Anyway, the day before yesterday and yesterday, I didn't really eat my greens. So I had 2 cups of that soup I made (the "Everything But..." soup). That helped a bit.
And M called back and *does* want to go. That was good too.
And then Phoebe wanted to go out, and I didn't feel like blow-drying her, so instead of yard, I took her for a nice walk. Lo and behold didn't the movement and sunshine/cold/fresh weather air feel good to me too!
Lessons, ah lessons.
The same way that I would *NOT* eat animals or animal derivatives,
and would *NOT* skip my prayers/readings-meditations/gratitudes first thing in the mornings now,
I should *NOT* skip my greens or getting out for fresh air!
If anyone does ever read this, thank you.
Afraid to even get it all out, as can be depressing.
But here is some of the good stuff:
Am off this week, and instead of being purely terrified, awakened Monday feeling grateful for life and for having awakened. (What?!)
Straightened kitchen, fridge and freezer, food cabinet, and living room. Put out new stuff in l.r. Rug didn't look right so am going to put in den (where seems better).
Also made pot of the Bean Cuisine Ultima Pasta Fagiola
Felt: settled and good to be a room or 2 away from the clutter, but nervous. Like John wouldn't like, or like I don't deserve, or like, "What if it were to *all* get done, then the emptiness would rear up fully."
Tuesday made own version of the soup, and included green veggies (will post recipe when figure out how). And took mother to see King's Speech. Had great time doing that.
After, felt like coming home to l.r. and having some nice tea. But came to den. Felt depressed.
Evening watched tv and went to bed early.
Today (Wednesday), John dropped off Phoebe *before* he went to see Paul. I wasn't sure he should, even, having seen her there yesterday when I went over to pick up the Optimum card, and having seen how *happy* she was! Anyway, he did. And - veggie board thought it good for her to be here anyway, and maybe going back and forth, much to my (happy) surprise.
Then after Paul, he came for visit to look at washing machine and read the Mindfulness Trainings together. I'd been hoping and had expected that that would be later, and we'd share a soup lunch together.
We visited. It was nice. But not as good here as elsewhere. He was enthusiastic about the l.r. changes. Clearly didn't like his two presents (soul portrait and blooming tea set) but was very gracious about the tea and will use it, I think. (And we laughed about the other).
The washer, alas, is broken.
He said, "What will you do until get another one? Go to the laundrymat?" I said, "Yes." He looked concerned and said, "I shouldn't really say this kind of thing, according to Paul, but just this once, I could take some of it and do 2 or 3 loads for you." I said, "That's sweet. Thank you. And no." He replied, "Really, I could do 2 or 3 loads to help you get through so you have what you need for work and everything." He *looked to me* genuinely concerned and sweet, but sort of afraid of what he was saying. I said, and I am quoting myself directly, "That's so sweet. Thank you. And no." He did look kind of relieved lol.
He was 100% sure he does *not* want to go to Colorado for the mindfulness week in August.
And had no interest in DisneyWorld.
Said he needs to get to work, get *into* life, not get away.
I understand; I work most weeks and very hard, and want the getaway...
Disappointed, because would love to have some fun with him, and would love the retreat together. But *not* if it's not good for him!
It was a tad uncomfortable with the gifts and getaway talks...
Anyway, we did the Mindfulness Trainings. That was nice.
Then when he was leaving I had a few more quick things to say and it kind of felt like he might feel I was holding me back.
After he left, I felt kind of depressed.
Empty.
Called Mary Allen. Was going to ask her if I could come there for a couple of hours and read my CoDA stuff there...
But she was about to take her nap so I didn't ask.
Called Maureen to see if wanted to go to Ossining tonight. Felt like with her i would go, but not alone. *Hope* this is not too co-dependent!
Anyway, the day before yesterday and yesterday, I didn't really eat my greens. So I had 2 cups of that soup I made (the "Everything But..." soup). That helped a bit.
And M called back and *does* want to go. That was good too.
And then Phoebe wanted to go out, and I didn't feel like blow-drying her, so instead of yard, I took her for a nice walk. Lo and behold didn't the movement and sunshine/cold/fresh weather air feel good to me too!
Lessons, ah lessons.
The same way that I would *NOT* eat animals or animal derivatives,
and would *NOT* skip my prayers/readings-meditations/gratitudes first thing in the mornings now,
I should *NOT* skip my greens or getting out for fresh air!
If anyone does ever read this, thank you.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
What I Learned Today
So tired. Must be brief.
Drove self to TC Wednesday. Called John twice when kind of lost, but did it!
Felt better driving out of city, especially with Ethiopian food for mom in my car. Brought it to her and that felt so nice too. Decided: just stay in car, go get glasses (after like 2 1/2 weeks!) fixed. Went. They did it in like a minute! As walking out noticed *big* sale signs in Home Goods. Went in. Bought 2 lamps, 5 throw pillows, and a little rug, to brighten up the brown house. It felt so good!
Last night tougher and today too. Started with washer-wouldn't-work situation. Stephanie turned out not to be available after all. John was very upset, after a supposedly nice day at Blue Cliffs, to talk to me about washer because "house." I felt so bad and cried.
Went to al anon meeting. First one. Got lost. Got help. Made it there. It didn't happen:( Nobody came. That also meant there would be nobody to ask how to get home! Found AAer who told me how. Made it home. So, both ways without calling John. Good. Do *not* want to disturb him!
Anyway, loneliness bad. But I guess what I learned today is that it didn't kill me.
Good night.
Drove self to TC Wednesday. Called John twice when kind of lost, but did it!
Felt better driving out of city, especially with Ethiopian food for mom in my car. Brought it to her and that felt so nice too. Decided: just stay in car, go get glasses (after like 2 1/2 weeks!) fixed. Went. They did it in like a minute! As walking out noticed *big* sale signs in Home Goods. Went in. Bought 2 lamps, 5 throw pillows, and a little rug, to brighten up the brown house. It felt so good!
Last night tougher and today too. Started with washer-wouldn't-work situation. Stephanie turned out not to be available after all. John was very upset, after a supposedly nice day at Blue Cliffs, to talk to me about washer because "house." I felt so bad and cried.
Went to al anon meeting. First one. Got lost. Got help. Made it there. It didn't happen:( Nobody came. That also meant there would be nobody to ask how to get home! Found AAer who told me how. Made it home. So, both ways without calling John. Good. Do *not* want to disturb him!
Anyway, loneliness bad. But I guess what I learned today is that it didn't kill me.
Good night.
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