100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful:

1. My mother has made it out of the hospital.
2. I saw her yesterday.
3. I will see her today.
4. I helped her to shop.
5. I will get her to the bank.
6. I had a healthy dinner last night.
7. I had a nice evening with my friend, O. Didn’t expect it, and it was a good surprise to wind up going out.
8. Have a long weekend.
9. Will have doggie tomorrow.
10. Had very fun talks with J on phone yesterday. Today, not so much, but grateful for yesterday’s.
11. Saw movie with St last weekend. Glad went.
12. Laughed during it. Laughter is good.
13. Think can be more patient with students now (not just in actions, but in feelings).
14. They are sweet and I love them.
15. They seem pretty happy so far, and some very happy.
16. Although hand still needs work/time, it is okayish.
17. My dr. thinks there is hope
18. I am giving J what he needs. It’s not really that it’s mine to give, but at least I’m cooperating. I do want him happy.
19. He is working hard, and I’m grateful for that.
20. I do sleep at night. It’s icky sleep, but some people can’t sleep at all.
21. I am back to calling my sponsor daily again.
22. I don’t do this yet, but I like that For Today 9/28 says it: “For today: I no longer evade experience or try to create it out of fantasy. I willingly undergo what life puts before me.”
23. And 9/27’s says: “For today: I want to be free of old patterns that stifle growth. I treat myself to the pleaser of admitting ignorance and the fun of asking questions.”
24. Yesterday, feeling depressed, just stepping outside helped. Thank God for outside.
25. Good session with therapist Wednesday
26. Keeping my classroom so neat this year.
27. My wonderful part-time aide.
28. J. still dealing with my sister, so I don’t have to.
29. Mixing the medical drink stuff for my mother yesterday.
30. This beautiful quote from For Today 9/26: “Man is a born child, his power is the power of growth.” Rabindrath Tagore
31. And it says: “Addiction stops emotional and spiritual growth, stripping its victims of fully half their potential. As a compulsive overeater, I grew physically and intellectually, but remained stunted emotionally, unable to provide sustenance for that part of me which food and academic learning cannot nurture. When I heard he words, ‘I am powerless over food,’ I felt a surge of relief, a letting loose of a heavy burden, and my spirit danced with joy. With the obsession broken, I am all lightness and hope, reaching out like a child toward the growth that was lost to me. I thank God for the miracle of recovery – a second chance to work toward all that I may become.”
32. And “For today: There are no limits to growth. Abstinence and weight loss are just the beginning.”
33. That I haven’t killed myself.
34. That O. helped me in my despair Sat. evening.
35. That I met my hard-to-meet-deadlines this past week at work, with all my sadness over J and all that was going on with my mother’s emergency hospitalization. I met them: )
36. That I have taken the CoDA commitment to chair the meetings for a month.
37. For Today “promises” – at least it seems like a promise to me: 9/25: “I turn my life over and do the footwork. Little by little, defects crumble, stumbling blocks are pushed aside and my path becomes smooth – until the next bump in the road. That is how growth happens: with patience and diligence, and faith in a Higher Power.”
38. I was able to help St get the books she needs.
39. I have joined the book club
40. I am interested in the book we are about to read
41. For Today 9/24 “’I have been granted a gift which amounts to a new state of consciousness and being,’ wrote Bill W.”
42. “With the courage and intelligence God gave them, the founders of Alcoholics Anonymous created the miracle of the great AA Fellowship –and changed the lives of millions.”
43. And it goes on to say: “As a member of Overeaters Anonymous, I owe my recovery – and my life – to that miracle. To think of the efforts of these early AA members to share the gift of their spiritual awakening is to e filled with awe and inspiration. There are surely as man thousands of compulsive overeaters who are open to this same simple message, and who have yet to hear it. For today: It is my responsibility to carry the message of spiritual awakening and recovery to compulsive overeaters, wherever they may be.”
44. I don’t understand this one, but I want to. For Today 9/23: “To disdain today is to prove that yesterday has been misunderstood.” Maurice Masterlinck
45. 9/22: “I want to look beyond the immediate, minute-long gratification of victory to measure by another yardstick: one with humanity in mind, where values of kindness, consideration and usefulness wear well and long, and contribute to my feeling good about myself. That is what living is all about.”
46. “For today: In situations involving winning and losing, being right and being wrong, what is really at stake?”
47. M. just called. She shared some major stresses she’s been going through. I’m so glad she didn’t hold back, which she recently felt she should because of my mother’s hospitalization. I want her to be free to share.
48. I was able to offer help.
49. She was able to accept.
50. And – she called me her best friend. Probably the reality is I’m *one of * her best friends. But it was lovely to hear.
51. I have been invited to *two * things today! One with O and one with M and girls.
52. I’m going to make a dr. appointment and get some test results and start getting my health in better order!
53. I *am * going to straighten this place this weekend. I am!
54. And then – I am going to clean, or budget yet more tightly and get someone to clean a few times.
55. I *am * going to get on a workable budget to save some. I’ll be working til I’m so old as it is.
56. For Today 9/21 “We lop away, that bearing boughs may live.” Shakespeare
57. “Values I acquired as a child and still follow today need questioning.”
58. “The child I once was can no longer run my life.”
59. “I want to give up what no longer serves me – the escapes and fantasies, the fears and the need to control.”
60. Now it is evening and I’ll add that I’m *so * glad I spent some time at the diner with my dear mother.
61. And with O.
62. And that O and I had lunch
63. And pedicures.
64. And I ate well today.
65. And I bought socks and slippers.
66. And I don’t need anything for a while.
67. And tomorrow I will straighten!
68. My mom seemed to have a nice time
69. Tomorrow I’ll probably get doggie
70. I *can * look good every day for work now.
71. God love me. He does.
72. Nice e-mail, very loving, from cousin Wednesday.
73. Good session with therapist too.
74. Hope
75. I will get sleep tonight.
76. My eye drops.
77. Some good pumpkin recipes.
78. Good bras.
79. Good books.
80. Electricity – lights.
81. And expression I just heard on a commercial – no idea – just heard, and I quote: “There are better days ahead.” And it was good to hear that.
82. People who are compassionate.
83. Lakes
84. Grass
85. Trees
86. Ducks
87. Mallard
88. Swans
89. Our park here
90. Makeup – and not too much of it
91. Laughter
92. Smiles
93. Open window
94. Nice weather today
95. Vegetables
96. My sponsor this morning.
97. A whole day tomorrow for cleaning and laundry
98. This coming week I *will * stay on top of the garbage and recycling situation
99. This coming week I *will * go to the gym twice and exercise. Or maybe even 3 times.
100. Ma. (friend)

I Really Need to Start Back to Doing My Daily Work!

Realistically, it's not going to be 2 1/2 hours a day right now.
But I can still do.

So, here's my commitment:
1. Some gratitudes each day, aiming for 100 a day.
2. Some readings each day (which often make their way into gratitudes too).
3. Keeping track of what I eat OR just eating 3 normal-portion meals a day OR 3 normal-portion meals and one small snack a day. And no junk food, of course.
4. Sticking to veganism, of course.
5. Some form of exercise, the cheap gym or walking or with tv or dvd, at least 3x a week, starting today.
6. Seeing my mother virtually every day for the rest of her life.
7. Trying to have some kind of fun virtually daily.

Building myself into a complete person, with or without J, with or without any man, is my only help. God please help me.

Wow in Sunday's Journal I'd Accidentally Put

"...at least I can say I do not want to lie."

I *meant* to say "...at least I can say I do not want to die."
Typo!

I am off for 4 days. MUST. STRAIGHTEN. MUST.
Depression looms. But I MUST try to be/stay positive, take care of myself, and straighten or at least begin to. NOT sit around in depression.

God, please help me and help us.
Thank you, amen.

I'm So Sad

Dreams, dreams, dreams.
Happy with hubby dreams - only to wake up.
And other dreams too.

Mother home and doing well for the day. That's wonderful.
I'm *very* grateful for that!

But JUST realized, since didn't know she was going home yesterday, didn't get to buy her the drink stuff she NEEDS.

And 4 days off coming. And LOTS must do to clean up here and work on self.
Just so depressed. Not sure can do.

I WAS doing daily things to improve my life, and now I can type some and must again. But stomach and soul hurt so much.

Just so sad.

Dear God

My sponsor is saying God can make miracles.

Please God, make one for me.

Amen.

I Think I'm Just Not Smart

I used to think I was smart. And I am in some ways.
But instead of encounters with J being pleasant for him, so we can at least enjoy ourselves, what I've been doing is leaving tons of time between them, and them when I do see him it's usually about my mother. So my guess is he's finding time without me better and with me, a drain.

I'm so nervous about all this, I can't think straight.

Want to get back to my daily work here asap too.

Journal Sun. Evening

Maybe because of inspirational words from friends,
maybe because of kick in the pants from friends,
maybe because of OA and CoDA today,
maybe because of sharing - getting it out,
maybe it's because of trying so hard today,
maybe it's a gift from God,
probably because of seeing my mother in such worse shape today,

at least I can say I do want to die.

And that's something.

And I'm ready to work my spirituality and programs better again.

Must. Do. Some. Gratitudes.

Thank you God:

*that today is not as bad as yesterday
*friends
*mother doing well - although we don't know what's to come, she had good day yesterday and the day before
*possible movie today with friend
*dinner Fri with different friend was nice as was visit to mom
*quick meal yesterday with different friend was nice, as was visit to mom
*talked with 4 friends on phone yesterday
*talked with two this am
*2 nice e-mails today
*that I still pray for other people
*that I did a large load of laundry just now
*that I just took a shower and washed my hair
*that I have clean clothes to wear today
*that I am wearing a shirt I couldn't fit into one year ago
*Soy Garden Earth Balance
*vegetables
*that one of my friends, who's been having a hard time lately, is doing much beter today
*that I will get to work for 3 days this week. Really.
*also that I will get two off. Maybe can clean and cook.
*God
*not having quite given up
*honest shares that help me know lots of people go through things and we must sometimes muddle our way through
*that although this would never ever happen, I know my friend meant this when she said it the other day: "I spoke with ____(her husband)- maybe you could sell your house and we could build an addition with that money and you could live here in the upstairs addition. I don't want you there alone." Again, this would never come through, but I know she meant it and I love her for the love
*timer is beeping. will go finish laundry now

amen

Journal Today

I don't know what to say today.
A friend from online e-mailed me and was helpful this morning. And I'm grateful for that.
Things are so bad inside me though.
Did go to light lunch with friend yesterday and then to hospital to see mother. That helped a bit.
So sad.
So sad.
Must find way to not give up.
So lonely. Hopeless. Husband used to call me, "The eighth dwarf: hopeful." Where did that go?
May be atypical depression, from what I've seen.
Scared.

Scared.

Help me, God. To do what's right. To have hope back. To be a whole person.
Thank you. Amen.

I Feel LIke a True Failure

How can a person who was given so many assets be such a mess?
I am alone; I am lonely; I am so depressed.
I have cared first and foremost about one thing for about 28 years: being with J. And now I am not with him.
I have managed when he had trouble with his family and I with mine, to have holidays and times with him and my mom. And now she'll soon be dying.
I have been a relatively well-read, well-educated person. And yet I put all my eggs in one basket.
I, who have hated denial more than anything, have denied to myself who I was and what was happening in my own life, my own marriage, my own home.
I have built nothing. Nothing but loneliness and despair. Nothing to hope for in the future.
So who's the real fool?

Not the people I used to think were dumber, or not as nice, or not as pretty, or not as lucky, ... ...

No.
I am the real fool.

I do not personally know one other person who is depressed *and* alone and in the shape I'm in.
I see families all around me.

I.
Am.
A.
Loser.

And I am very scared.

combo today

Having trouble starting second blog. They keep reverting it to this one.

Update:
Mom's aspirational pneumonia is back. That's because I think she does not use the powder properly or at all, to thicken her drinks. We can tell by what we go through at restaurants. It may be time for someone to help her at home. This could be a battle. But she looks like she will get home this time, thank God. May I do more and more to give her great days.

I am not feeling perfectly well, but a lot better than the last few days. Will go to work and happy to do so.

Interruption - mother just called. She is mostly coherent. Thank God I got to talk to her and tell her I love her. I'll be going there (hospital) after school.

The loneliness the last two days has been beyond words terrible and scary. The "Oh-my-God-I-really-have-no-family-but-my-mother-and-she's-old-and-sick" feeling. J. has been wonderful to her and for me and even called me last night to see if I'm all right, but the J I was with those decades is gone. Where is my J? He's not around anymore.
I'm so sad.

My future looks so bleak.
When I try to look at a snapshot in my head of, say, 2 years from now, I don't see things better for me.
That's scary.

Anyway, I am still grateful. For example (can't type 100 but here are some):
Talking to my dear mother this morning
I'll be with the kids today
I'll get my food back in order this weekend
Beautiful birds; I love them
Water
Hope? Well, the hope of hope
Self-help books
The luxury of coffee in the morning,
and of fresh fruit
That I will not be isolated today
A very understanding parent, with whom I was supposed to have a conference but I had to postpone. She was lovely.
As conceited as this may sound, that my kiddies will have me today. I think I'm good for them.
I am so very very grateful that J called last night. It was sweet and caring and decent and helped me.
Bad dreams again, but at least I slept.
The unstoppable, tremendous amount of diarrhea has stopped, thank God and ImodiumAD.
That I am breathing.

Affirmations:
I am good enough.
I am a child of God.
I am a good person.
I have friends who love me.
J. loves me too (he says so - just in a certain way).
My life is getting better and better.
I will find a way to start a new blog and let my friends know.

Please God,
Help me give my mother happiness.
Please God,
Help me heal and grow and be the person I am meant to me.
Please God,
Heal my marriage.
Please God,
Help J to be happy and to find himself and his good feelings about himself.
And to find You.
And to find me.
This I ask through Christ our Lord.
Amen.

My Mom Is Suddenly Very Ill

Last night
ambulance
she was on floor
...
she is still not responsive, except can blink and squeeze hand if nurse instructs

She has heart stuff, kidney stuff, Parkinson's, other stuff. All serious.
Bad kidney stuff.
Their main concern right now is that there is major blockage in both carotid arteries.

I don't know if it is her time.
I pray that it is not, but for acceptance if it is.
And that if it is not, I can give her many many good and very happy times.
But most of all, I pray that she does not suffer.

God bless my mommy.

PS J. has been at hospital and on phone to them too, and will be there again in a couple of hours. Bless his sweet heart. She adores him and he loves her and they are very close. Thank God for him with her.

I will be changing the blog name/address within a week.
Hope you'll e-mail me for new one. Lynnblog@hotmail.com

Please pray for us.
Thank you.
And I continue to pray for you.

Important Post - Please Read

I may have to get a new blog name and address.
Long story, doesn't matter here.
Please e-mail me at lynnblog@hotmail to find out the new name. I will know within one week. May or may not keep posting here until then.

***If you're afraid to e-mail because you don't know me in person, just make up a new account - it's free - and use that one. I will answer, I promise.

Dear God

Dear God,

My best friend, my therapist, and I, truly believe J is individuating. As he would have/should have from his parents in his teens and early twenties.
Please let him get through this and come back to our marriage.
Please help me in the meantime. I'm having a really hard time, dear God.
Please let me know what to do here. For example, I cannot fit my stuff in my closet. But the book The Secret says it is unwise to start using his closet, as that's like putting the energy out there that he's not coming back. Oh. Just writing this makes me think: clean my closet and make more room.
Thank you.
Amen.

Journal - Me, and the Garbage

Why can't I get the recycling out?
The garbage, yes. but the recycling is building and building. It's too early when I get home; I'm *way* too tired at night, and I can't get myself to move in the morning.
What am I going to do about it?
I wish it were collected on the weekends.
Maybe next week I can do it?
If I clean and eat well and get rest before then?
Oh brother

Affirmations

I am a good person
I have survived and will continue to
I am a good teacher
I am a good friend
I am lovable
My marriage will heal one day
God is in my life

Today's Gratitudes

I am grateful:

1. That I love EJ
2. That I love Birdie
3. That I love JJ
4. That I love Kayleigh
5. That I love Kris
6. That I love MA
7. That I love M
8. That I love ML
9. That I love S
10. That I love St
11. That I love O
12. That I love Jo
13. That I love Ma
14. That I love K
15. That I love husband, J
16. That I love my students
17. That I love Joa
18. That I care for Tr
19. That some of these above love me
20. That God loves me
21. That I woke up from the nightmares this morning
22. Other Jo’s help at school
23. E-mail friends
24. OA
25. CoDA
26. Prayer
27. Meditation when I do it
28. That at least one someone at work wants to do it with me again this year
29. That although I’m exhausted and feel like I’m coming down with something, I have been able to be great at my job daily (hope I can today)
30. My dr. comes today
31. Not as depressed as when I first wake up. Seems to be not quite as desperate every single morning as it used to be
32. That people are noticing I look better
33. That I finally have shoes
34. Hope
35. The boy who’s been feeling bad about himself seems to be feeling better
36. That I’m helping with that
37. That many people in the world do get to do the work they want to do
38. That although it is puny, I do have a teeny tiny amount of savings.
39. And will save a little bit more this year
40. The gorgeous rendition of Halleluiah at the Emmy’s the other night
41. Birds
42. Children smiling
43. Children breaking the code in reading
44. My car
45. That J may want me to put his business sticker on my car eventually. I offered and would like to
46. That I have managed to survive my life and all its big difficulties, particularly the childhood ones, so far
47. Beaches. I didn’t go to any this summer, but next summer I shall.
48. The thought of *possibly * going away for a few days in December
49. Eating better, may I continue
50. People who accept others
51. God in my life
52. Our superintendent of schools. I respect him.
53. Phones
54. Cell phones
55. That my hand could type this many today

Some Gratitudes

Can't type enough for too many.

I am grateful:

1. Nice visit here with J last night
2. Some sleep
3. Remembering to take my allergy pill yesterday.
4. Sweaters
5. Getting the garbage out for today, may they take it!
6.breath
7. Even though my legs hurt, as many of ours do at the beginning of the school year, even young thin ones, I am so grateful I am able to do all I need to with them:)
8. That my skin feels good today.
9. Shallow, but I'm grateful for makeup
10. And nice shoes, which I have a few of, for the first time in my life.
11. Enough money for food
12. Blanket in bed
13. Option for pretty ride to work when have a few more minutes. Very pretty; very nature-filled.

Affirmations

I am whole.
I am an adult.
I am a woman.
I am good enough.
I am lovable.

I am whole.
I am an adult.
I am a woman.
I am good enough.
I am lovable.

I am whole.
I am an adult.
I am a woman.
I am good enough.
I am lovable.

God Please

Continue to help me.
I know You are.
I'm scared. I'm lonely. I'm hurting physically.
Perhaps tonight I'll just rest and that will help.
Please help me to continue to eat better.

And thank You, God, for the birds, the trees, the smiling children, my nice friendly visit with J here last night, and my decision, which helped it be so.

Please help me. I'm hurting so.

I love You, Father. I praise You. I shall honor You today (as I always try to).

Combo Package Again

Grats:
I am grateful that I have vitamins.
And all the medication I need.
And I can go to bed pretty early tonight.
And I'm grateful for happiness my friends have.
And a good brain.
And that I can type at all.

Journal:
I'm glad I went to OA and CoDA yesterday. Both were good meetings. And that I have a little jacket for this cool day. I'm glad I'm able to work. I dreamt about first husband again.
Funny, I do feel like J is more conflicted than he wants to admit, even to himself. Without me saying it, my best friend and my therapist both think it too. I tend to be so hard on myself that it's hard to know how much is *really* about me.
Long hard day coming and I'm already tired:(

Affirmations:
I am becoming more and more complete.
Other people have made it and so can I.
I will someday have love again, with J or someone else.
I am healthy and alive and happy.

Journal

Must do some.
Miss blog so much.
Typing hurts.
Will combine here today, and hopefully, with continued physical therapy, will get back to normal.

I am grateful for breath. Voice. Water. Friends. A fun day yesterday with O. Buying some much needed(!) fall clothes. Doggie here with me this weekend. Seeing mother yesterday. The beautiful weather, trees blowing in the wind, so many birds singing yesterday. Amazing food at great price at Chinese/Japanese/Malaysian place. Healthy too. . . .

I *will* bring doggie to visit my mother a bit today. That makes her so happy (mother). Well, doggie too:)
I *will* do some laundry!
I *will* get my garbage out this week, damn it.
I *will* straighten - enough - today.
And although I know (expect anyway) that I'll do great at my job this week, I will try to do something after too. Like the *gym.*

During the last week and a half:
-my best friend was sick
-second one was away
-third one was waiting for serious medical test results while dealing with lots of family things
-fourth one was crazed with work issues plus lots of family stuff
-sponsor has early Alzheimers
-dr. couldn't make it. Then came next time and I found out he is going through a divorce of his own
-and husband went away to first next-generation wedding. out of town. without me. I've known this young man, our nephew, since he was born. ouch ouch ouch. i have no family.
-all while starting school (teacher). and speaking at open house (stress). not an easy couple of weeks
*but i am aware it is easy compared to many people who have lived/live on this planet. and i am in a state of gratitude, still.

now i'm wondering about program. I don't want to need it. don't want to do it...
but maybe i'll go this morning to oa just to see.
it would also be good for me to have these to go to in the evenings instead of crapping out depressed in front of tv.
and maybe could help me not overeat...
but i have been okay with weight-loss and eating without them, and i'm afraid that makes me think i don't need...

mostly, my heart is just broken without J.
but best friend, who knows him for over 20 years and loves him and is very smart and appreciates who he is, says it's not so all-about-me as i think and he says. She says he is finding himself, which he never did as a teen or twenty-something... must individuate. from me as would have from parents...
i know she is right
i just want it to work out that he comes back

*********if anybody reads this, trust me - journal. just writing this out has helped lift a bit of the depression, and helped me decide to take some action on my own behalf: shower and meeting!

and if anybody reads this, please know i love you and you are helping me tremendously.

God bless us all.

Hand-Rest Time:(

But as Birdie said, I can be grateful for rest.
Hand is killing.
Way too much use.
Work, yesterday's gratitudes...
It'll be some days:(

Gotta Do Some Gratitudes

Not all new, not a whole hundred maybe.
But although I feel miserable this morning, as always, I know I was aware of gratitudes last night.
Typing is a problem, but I can do some.
Let me think about what I'm grateful for now, even if repeating from past. Whatever is real.

I am grateful:

1. I've never had a stroke
2. I have eyesight
3. I can walk
4. I can get to work
5. I can think well at work
6. I have never been abducted
7. Or a victim of a violent crime
8. I have a home
9. I have enough water
10. I am not as interested in junk food comforting me as I used to be
11. I have friends.
12. I do not have heart disease.
13. I love my class. They're innocents. Lots of work, and I'm exhausted, but they're innocents.
14. I know that as bad as I feel sitting here, it will get better after shower and dress and get to work.
15. I've been looking good every day.
16. My shrink comes today.
17. I have good books.
18. I have a book club.
19. It winds up being free.
20. We gave my mother a great birthday Sunday. She was very happy.
21. I will spend an afternoon with her this weekend. She loves that too. (And so do I.)
22. Although I'm screwed up, I am a good person.
23. Minnie Mouse and other innocent characters that are just happy.
24. All the vacations J. and I have taken.
25. Hope for the future.
26. I am literate.
27. I have access to the internet and a blog.
28. My car has gas in it.
29. J. and I will have an evening together within a week, probably. That'll be nice.
30. I'll see doggie soon too. I miss her.
31. I have access to a great church community. I just have to work out a schedule and how to use it.
32. J. is still paying the bills (with my salary but he's doing it). I don't want to take that on now.
33. No attack on 9/11 this year, despite threats.
34. My classroom. I'm keeping it so neat. It's got kind of a zen feeling.
35. Temporarily, throughout different times of day, 4 aides.
36. That I didn't stay up through the whole Jackie Kennedy thing last night. I got sleep.
37. That people at work respect me.
38. That MA came to my classroom straight from putting down her cat. It was lunchtime, and I'm glad she came in to me for comfort.
39. I was extremely busy, but I'm so glad I pushed everything aside and just gave her the time.
40. I have to clean this place this weekend. Or at least straighten it. And I believe I will.
41. Inspirational e-mails that come.
42. 12 step groups. I'm not really participating these weeks, but these groups do help many many people. I have OA and CoDA and should participate. I'm grateful they exist.
43. Elephants.
44. Coffee.
45. The coffee maker I bought for J., because he wanted it so much, and which now serves me so well.
46. That I'm doing my physical therapy hand exercises every single day. I"m trying to avoid surgery, and maybe I will!
47. Wow. Interesting. Today's For Today: "Man is not the sum total of what he has already, but rather the sum of what he does not yet have, of what he could have." Jean Paul Sartre. That gives me hope somehow.
48. And it says, 'How do I know what I can be, or have?
49. "Is great understanding of others possible?
50. "I am open to deriving more from experience, to relishing simple things and living with a kind of hale and hearty pleasure."
51. That I am so cheerful at work. That's really good. I'm so grateful I can do it.
52. And For Today goes on to say: "If I am willing to give up being quite so special or different, I may be able to give up my protective cover for a new way of seeing and believing and being.
53. And "An awareness of the shortcomings that remain shows me what I do not yet have - and could attain.
54. For Today Sept. 11: "tomorrow's life is too late. Live today." Martial
55. And "I am abstaining TODAY because it is today's life I am liveing. I do not know if I can binge today and say, 'I will abstain tomorrow'"
56. Today's Voices of Recovery: "Many of us tried fasting, with and withoug a doctor's supervision. Usually we lost weight, but as soon as we started eating again, the compulsive eating behavior returned, along with the weight." OA 12 & 12 p. 10. So true.
57. And on Sept. 13: "We pray about these things, not so we can get our way, but so we can bring our will regarding them into alignment with God's will" OA 12 & 12 94-95
58. Oh boy, and this: "So this is where I'm supposed to be. I may want something, but I no longer need to translate it into a false need. I do my best, and then I let go."
59. It says my best. It does not say it has to be THE best. Just the best I can do.
60. And it says then I let go.
61. And: "I do what is right in front of me, accepting my Higher Power's will."
62. That I did not get in an accident yesterday on the way phone. I should never have been talking with MA on the way home. I am committed to not do that again.
63. Sept. 12: "There were the days when I drove my car to a junk food place . . . With one hand on the steering wheel and the other fishing something out of a bag, I was lucky I never had an accident. If driving while intoxicated with food were an offense, I would have been fined countless times." Lifeline Sampler p. 131. Wow.
64. "Many times I have recognized the insanity of my behavior.
65. The admission that I have a problem with eating is the beginning of my willingness to recover.
66. "I am powerless over food and over my eating habits.
67. "I learn in OA that my powerlessness is the bedrock on which I can build a new life.
68. "Weakness is the glue that binds me to others in this program, and I can accept that I need help even after I have abstained from compulsive eating for years.
69. That I can be gracious about things right now.
70. Voices of Recovery Sept. 11: "Remembering that our goal is to develop a closer conscious contact with God, prayer is simply what we do when we talk with our Higher Power, and meditation is simply a way of stilling our minds and opening our spirits to God's influence." OA 12 & 12 p. 93
71. And it goes on to say: "...Then one day, as unexpectedly as a fresh rain shower in spring, I received a gift from the universe. I made the genuine connection between requested prayer and subsequent blessing." I'm not sure I understand this, but I like hearing it.
72. Then it sayas, "I finally succumbed to the idea that 'nothing, absolutely nothing' is without design and purpose. It was a simple gift, really. I asked: I received. Suddenly the door of faith swung open widely enough for me to concede that God does exist, and He engineers circumstances to bring aobut my highest good. Thank God for OA!" May it be true.
73. I'm grateful for this reminder, on Sept. 10th's page: "For a compulsive overeater, eating is attached to emotions. We are never fully satisfied, no matter how much we eat, because we are eating for emotional reasons rather than physical reasons." That's big.
74. And it says, "The OA program has taught me to reach out for emotional nourishment instead."
75. And "I do this by calling program friends, attending meetings, and reading the literature.
76. And "The promises are coming true, one day at at time.
77. For Today on Setp. 9: "Minds, like bodies, will often fall into a pimpled, ill-conditioned state from mrere excess of comfort." Charles Dickens
78. And "Excess kills the very qualities I seek in anything, be it possessions, activities or food.
79. And "Compulsive overeating gives the illusion of comfort, but what begins as an attempt to fill unmet needs soon takes on a life of its own, demanding more and giving less in return.
80. "True comfrot is to be found in the balance and sanity of abstinence.
81. "So deep and pure is this comfort that it is well worth whatever trouble or pain I might have to pass through to attain it."
82. "For today: Abstinence from compulsive overeating is a state of min, not a diet. God grant me abstinence today and, if need be, the willingness to go to any length to get it."
83. And i can try to apply this to keeping this place neat, too.
84. Although I would like more energy, I'm glad I have enough to do my job well. I do want more though, to keep this place neat and to have a life. But at least I have that much.
85. That depression may not last forever. Maybe.
86. Oh. Hard one. But important. Today's In This Moment: "In This Moment, I accept my codependence."
87. "Today, I understand that admitting powerlessness needn't bye admitting defeat.
88. "Instead, it's a step toward self-acceptance and self-awareness.
89. And this: "Now, when I'm at a meeting and I hear about this 'deeply rooted, compulsive behavior.'
90. "I apply it to myself without shame. I am a codependent, gratefullly recovering one day at a time."
91. Sept. 13: "In This Moment, I let go of my need for approval." Important.
92. "There are occasions in my life when I think I need the love and approval of another person to feel good about myself. Any form of rejection only verifies my feeling of los self-worth, and starts me on a spiral of negativity and depression. My Step Four inventory opens my eyes to this harmful cycle. My situation will not change until I change.
93. "With the help of my Higher Power, who loves and cares for me, I am learning to love and value myself; including my feelings, thoughts, opinions, and beliefs.
94. "Gradually, outside approval becomes less important, and I begin to see myself as valuable and strong.
95. And this, which I see as a promise: "Today, I work on loving and valuing myself. As my nee for approval from others decreases, my level of happiness increases, I view myself as a whole, lovable person."
96. Sept. 12 says, among other things: "I affirm my powerlessness over others." I need that.
97. God in my life.
98. Hope.
99. My breath. I remember when I struggled for it.
100. Lessons from the boy in my class who has CP.
101. And from the boy who has diabetes.

Gratitudes Today

have to be

that I am generally so grateful.
For yesterday.
For a day today.
For my ability to walk and talk and breathe and see.
For water.
For less pain and suffering these three mornings than before, and significantly less today so far.

And for everything I wrote in my Journal entry today.

The typing is too much to do the 100 grats. Must exercise hand in opposite way and rest it now.

Religious Spirituality, God, Yesterday, and Me

I feel that this is my most important journal entry every so far.

Someone from the convent where they hold all these great activities called the other night while I was sleeping. I promised I would show up Friday after work. Fri. my friend needed me, and I forgot all about it.
That night, Ma. called and said she would like me to go there with her Sat. I said yes.
In the car after she picked me up, she said she actually couldn't go because she'd be there all day Sun. and needed to do a lot of other stuff, but was driving me and picking me up. I was such a wreck I cried that I was afraid. She walked me in. (Need more CoDA!). She also said I'd get out at 1 (this being 9am). I got out at 2:50.

But it was very nice.
I did cry, and have been questioning God... But Ma'd said the more I put up a barrier the worse everything will become.

So someone spoke (in Spanish but they had translation in my ear). I was instructed to take notes.
Then we were to read some gospel passages. Take notes and pray and write to God.

These are some of my notes:

"When Jesus says, 'I am the way, the truth and the life,' that means there is no other way.

"Many times we walk around depressed in despair and that emptiness. Because without God we can never. The crucial piece of the puzzle is missing.
When you are not convinced that this is your destiny, depression etc.
When you are convinced the Lord is calling you to recreate His life, you have your destiny.
The problem is when we don't look at Jesus, we look at the world.
That's why Jesus was not afraid. Because He knew His destiny."

"Stop living your past. Start living your new life. 'I am your way and your life. Follow.'"

"Give Him your pride, self-sufficiency, and selfishness. It's not about picking up the net and leaving other people and things behind. But leaving yourself out of the picture. Listen to the Word."

"Shake it up and get rid of everything that makes your life a burden. Break those chains."
"Start a way of profound prayer every day in your own life."

"If the light in you goes out, it will be a terrible darkness.
Nobody can prevent you from loving because your identity is to love."

"Today, take a step forward and listen to the Word and believe it. Truly.
Don't be married to your ego."
"There is no middle ground. Marry Christ."

"Married couples don't work because you are married to your ego. And that sucks it out of you."

"Only through you, your life, the other person can go through and convert.
Holy Spirit..."

"You need to leave your "boat:" all of your securities, ego, etc. and don't look for securities in this world, or in yourself, but in Christ."

"Listen first to Christ, then spouse, then children, then community."

"Release all of the junk. There is no security. Life has no guarantees."

"You think that you are secure. you place your life in things that pass, in things that can be taken away.
Look at Christ and be happy to live the gospel. That equals freedom and happiness."

"Give Him that vinegar, all your vinegar. Because he's going to transform it, and give it His Spirit."

****Just yesterday morning, I had prayed to God that once and for all I was asking Him to heal my marriage. And then I would let it go. Give it over to Him and trust and let it go.

Then I heard all of this.

--

Then I started the readings and praying and writing.
It involved for me some hope, some comfort, some nothing, and some questioning.

Then we met in small groups. Most people there speak Spanish and I speak only English, so they grouped English-speaking people for me.

I cried so much.
And shared my questioning.
The leader, a missionary, asked me to commit to something for this week.
So I committed to go to the Blessed Sacrament for 4 mornings, and to go back to this next Saturday.

But then, waiting outside for Ma., I started sinking a bit. Someone else standing there talked to me...

And in the car, Ma said:
Just because J said what he said, does not mean it is so. It could be him, or it could be his lack of faith (he's an atheist) and an evil influence...
Also, you don't go to the doctor and tell the doctor what's wrong with you and diagnose it yourself and instruct the doctor exactly how to help you and on what timetable.
Maybe you shouldn't do that with God either.
Maybe it's in His time.

Yeah yeah yeah but I was still feeling like crap.

Then she said,
Maybe God wants you to use this time to fall in love with Him.
Not to make your husband your God.
Maybe you have to do that.
Grow, yourself, and put God first.
Stop concentrating on only J, J, J.
That really hit me.

I know one person who reads my blog e-mailed me that I should consider stopping making my Affirmations about J. (And thank you for the love, if you see this).

Then I had that whole morning.

And something clicked.

*****So,
having decided in the morning to turn the marriage over to God and trust,
then having that morning,
I realized it is time I put Him first, and my own growth second.

I can't stop wishing for the marriage to heal.
But I cannot concentrate only on that.

It will be like this:
God
my growth
my students, whom I am privileged to serve (and their parents, whom I am also there
for)
my family and friends (right now my family is only my mother)
then, J. and whether/what/how/if to heal the marriage ever

Wow. That's a first.

Anyway, Wed. on the phone I had talked with my dr. about whether to be friends with J. Long story short, he said yes. I had been sleeping on that idea, and continued to, and realized yes, I want that and can do that, and it would probably be good for him too, as he had said. So I had written an e-mail Fri to him about possible getting together Sat.
Well last night, after all of that, we spoke.
1. We *will* get together - as friends - and I am happy about that. He is a beautiful man and I love him and miss him and want what's best for him. And I miss hearing about his business, seeing a movie together, etc.
2. He wants to come with me and my mom today for her birthday!
So I will spend the afternoon with her, and then he will meet us and we will go to dinner. I am very happy about this for HER. It will make her very happy.

I am tired and have a lot to do around here, and don't want to do it, and am somewhat phobic about how to make a birthday nice. But I will bring my mother a nice card and flowers. Maybe a balloon. We will chat and have lunch (I'll bring). Maybe watch some tv (she loves that).
Then we'll go to dinner.

And I will continue to try to put my relationship with *God* first.

Amen.

Must Do the Gratitudes

I am grateful:

1. For the lovely dream about J last night. Waking from it was hard but oh, the dream was beautiful.
2. Although I’m working now, I should still have time to read
3. Maybe will get back to Step Eight work this week
4. That I finally did those dishes this morning
5. That I finished buying needed wintery shoes yesterday
6. That I could feel doggie’s little feet against me last night
7. That I seem to have enough energy for the day
8. Now it’s the 7th. I’m grateful that I’ll speak to my sponsor in a few minutes.
9. And that my dr. comes today
10. And that yesterday, although morning at home was brutal, the day at work was nice.
11. And that I have nice aide in classroom.
12. Grateful that haven’t touched junk food starting on Aug. 12
13. And that heard J’s voice for a minute yesterday
14. And will bring doggie there today or tomorrow – she’s better off when I’m out all the time
15. And nice talk with St last evening
16. And MA called me
17. Grateful for fruit
18. And water
19. And very healthy lunch yesterday
20. And each of my students. I can’t name them here but I am grateful for each of them
21. Especially the little one with the certain health problem, that is actually helping me. Can’t go into here, but I know what I mean.
22. Amazing quote by Helen Keller in yesterday’s for Today: “When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.”
23. And it goes on to say, “…If I keep moaning about what I thought I wanted, I’ll miss what is unfolding before my eyes.” I really needed that today.
24. And “When the next act begins, I want to be ready.”
25. And it talks about willingness “to experience something new. I may not see it now, but I have faith that it will come.”
26. And yesterday’s Voices of Recovery says, “I hope that in another ten years I am still struck with awe and wonder about how my Higher Power works for, through, and in me.”
27. Now it’s 9/8. I’m having a harder time. But won’t give up. This one’s taking more than one day, but I *will * get to 100. It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell.
—Buddha
28. Oh my gosh, it’s Sept. 9 already and I’m on number 28. No explanation here, just gratitudes. I am grateful that I love my class.
29. I am grateful that I’ve been getting comments about looking good.
30. I am grateful that I washed my hair last night.
31. And that I got a phone call from someone at church yesterday, who wants to help me. Wow.
32. Grateful that MA seems to be starting to feel better.
33. And that doggie was so happy to get back to the other dogs yesterday. Even though I miss her, I’m happy for her.
34. And that I think I will finally clean tomorrow.
35. And that my mother’s dreadful back pain is in relief right now.
36. And that I’m not into the food.
37. Grateful that I’m not fighting any dread diseases.
38. Grateful that I prayed this morning.
39. Grateful for hope.
40. Grateful that I have this blog.
41. And that I don’t live all alone all the time on it.
42. Grateful for hope.
43. For kind people.
44. For clean clothes.
45. For sleep that I do get.
46. For the special child in my class, and all that I can learn from him.
47. For keeping my workplace so neat so far.
48. That I didn’t kill myself.
49. Sept. 10. Still trying. Okay um, I’m glad that today’s morning is not as much agony as the past several days.
50. I’m grateful that I can type (hand)
51. That I finally opened my blog.
52. And there were two comments there.
53. That sometimes people from other countries look there.
54. And that reminds me I am part of the human race.
55. That I just wrote a loving note to my cousin, who lost her husband on 9/11.
56. That St’s husband got away that day. Muslim from Morocco, so his look didn’t help. He had to hide under cars etc. Running from the terror of it all, but also, well, you know. But he made it home safely! About 12 hours later, made it the 12 or so miles home. Thank God.
57. I’m grateful that Ma called last night and invited me to go with her to church and a talk today. I don’t know that I can, as I must get my mother to the bank and shopping, but I’m grateful that she asked.
58. I’m grateful that my dr. called me. He couldn’t make it Wed, but he called. I don’t know if it was any help, but I *am * grateful that he called.
59. And that although there are *many * special issues in my class, they are adorable, innocent children, and I love them already.
60. And that I am managing to shower and put on makeup and good clothes and get there each day.
61. And do my work well.
62. I am grateful for hope.
63. My mother’s 87th birthday is tomorrow, and I’m grateful that MAYBE J. and I will see her together, which would be so good for her.
64. Having a low tolerance for itching, and having LOTS of bites and itches the last few nights, I am grateful that I am not itching right now: )
65. God
66. That maybe some people will come here still, even though I’ve been somewhat absent lately.
67. My sponsor’s wisdom
68. My piano teacher is playing at a concert tomorrow and she said she would get me comp tickets if I want to go with my mother or anyone.
69. I’m grateful for everyone who got out and made it after 9/11.
70. And for every one of those responders.
71. And every one of the people who went down and sacrificed their own health for so long after.
72. Including a woman I know, who was down there (SENSITIVE COMING),
blessing body parts.
73. I’m grateful that my cousin has moved into another house recently
74. And that she even had a beach house built. (Believe me, she’d rather have her husband back than the money he happened to leave her.)
75. I’m grateful for prayer.
76. I’m grateful that I have a car
77. And health
78. And a roof over my head
79. And water. Always grateful for water.
80. And people who are trusting.
81. For every comfort J has ever given me
82. Positive. Be positive. Um. I’m grateful that I have 10 fingers.
83. And the luxury of bright pink toenail polish right now.
84. And people at work like me.
85. And I’m at least pretty easy to work with.
86. I’m grateful that I have intelligence.
87. And that the coming years may bring happy surprises.
88. If you see this, know that I am truly truly grateful for you!
89. Breath. I remember when I struggled for it. I’m very grateful for breath.
90. Enough energy to get through the work day well for the kids.
91. Generosity. Mine and everyone else’s who’s generous in any way.
92. People who give endowments for animals
93. And for the planet
94. And even for the arts
95. People who raise their children with values
96. Innocence, like in those little children I get to teach
97. That I’ve worked hard and am where I am in my career
98. That I got all my correcting done this week that I needed to do.
99. Tech help at school from our techie person.
100. Who is also a lovely human being.
101. Finally 100. Thank you, God.

Journal

Maybe the numb is wearing off and the realities are settling in.

On top of that, Wed my shrink couldn't make it, MA has been sick, O is away, St is busy with family plus waiting for biopsy results on her husband, M is very busy and stressed, so I haven't had friends-fun or friends-support and I have had:

daily awakening at 3 in the most horrible state. Often after a beautiful dream where J. says, "what do you mean you thought I didn't love me? I can't believe you felt that. Oh you poor thing. I love you more than words can say!" And I feel, "Oh thank God, thank God thank God thank God, it was all a nightmare." Then I awaken. THUD.
So that by the time I see the students each morning, I have had just about 6 full hours of agony. Agony.
Agony while I shower, while I drink coffee, while I get my stuff ready, . . .
This feels almost unbearable to me.



But then,
I'm watching coverage on 9/11 last night and today,
plus I'm thinking of the suffering of terminally ill people and their pain
and so on
and I'm *trying* to get a perspective.

I am.

God, please please help me.

And I must start doing my daily stuff again no matter how I feel.
I think I must, anyway.

Hard Times

I am glad I have my job. And my shrink coming today.
Because this waking with the pit in my stomach is horrible.
The dreaming that I'm with J and he loves me is so beautiful, two nights in a row now, and then I awaken. It feels like doom.
I'm having trouble even getting the garbage out.
Depressed.
God help me, please.

Affirmations

The answers are inside me.
I am capable.
I am a survivor.
The universe takes such great amazing wonderful care of me!
God loves me.
I am fine.

Today's 100 Gratitudes

I am grateful:

1. Seeing MA yesterday
2. Good healthy dinner with her
3. That I went to the meeting
4. That it was a good meeting
5. That although I wanted to just come home, my ride and someone else were going out so of course I “had to” go. Had tea and nice conversation. Glad went.
6. Hope.
7. That I’m still not into the junk food
8. Buddhism
9. Water
10. That I have influenced some people regarding gratitudes.
11. Abraham Lincoln’s saying about most men being as happy or as unhappy as they make up their minds to be.
12. My cousin saying to call her for support.
13. Today’s For Today: “For today: It is not for me to judge anyone.”
14. Today’s Voices of Recovery: “What I call a character effect today was at one time simply a survival tool. Beating myself up for using one of those old tools is as futile as bingeing; I now hae two problems – the defect and the beating – instead of one.
15. “When I feel compelled to act out an old defect today, I can recognize the old hurt, put it in God’s care and then act as if I possessed my defect’s corresponding asset.”
16. I don’t know about this but it says, “For example, as I have wanted to please people in the past, I now seek to please my Higher Power.”
17. The hope in this. Today’s In This Moment says: “In this moment I embrace my history – the joy and the pain.
18. “I do not condemn my past, stay stuck in it, or run away from it.”
19. And:” To genuinely be myself, I must integrate my past wholly.
20. “It is part of who I am today, but it is not all that I am.
21. And “I honor those who have been my teachers for the lessons, even if they were painful at the time.
22. And it says, and I see this as a promise: “By embracing my past fully, I am freed to make choices in my present.
23. And “Each day, I have the opportunity to create a new life.
24. And “I use the lessons that I’ve learned to make every day better.”
25. And I’m grateful that yesterday’s In This Moment says, “In this moment, I don’t give up.
26. And “I don’t give up, I let go; two different things.”
27. “Giving up means I don’t try. I resign myself that I’ll never get what I want and abandon hope.
28. “I now believe I deserve good things and some day I’ll have them.
29. And this, which sounds so hard but it says it and I’m grateful to read it: “I let go of the timetable, let go of making it happen, let go of control.
30. “I may be living in humble circumstances, yet I hope for better.
31. And this, which I can do: “I do what’s in my power today to reach my goals. Like getting up and going to work.
32. And it talks about today, having strength and dignity.
33. Meal and movie with O today.
34. Setp. 5 In This Moment: “By working the Steps, I’ve learned that my Higher Power does care about me; physically, mentally, and spiritually.
35. And this, which is a promise I need! “When I turn my will and my life over to the care of my Higher Power, I experience unconditional love. Little miracles appear in my life.
36. And “I feel loved, special, and worthwhile.”
37. The expression, “Would I rather be right, or would I rather be happy?” I wish I’d realized it sooner.
38. Sept. 3 In This Moment: “Whe I realize that I’ve been functioning on automatic pilot and my tension is jaw-grindingly high, I look up at the ceiling to break the spell of the everyday world.
39. “I remember that I have choices in each day, each chore, each situation.
40. And this: “With my glance upward, I affirm that divine guidance is mine.
41. “All I have to do is listen.” I want to know HOW. But I will try, and am grateful to read this.
42. That I did two loads of laundry today.
43. That I just switched into more comfortable shoes for today.
44. Sept. 1 In This Moment: “In this moment, I am thankful for lessons.
45. “I believe God sends people into my life to teach me lessons.
46. “I’ve learned a lot.
47. “People are not always who I think they are. In fact, they are not always who they say they are.
48. “I no longer take a little information and invent the rest.
49. And this, which I *have * started doing! “I now take time to get to know and accept people as they really are, not as I imagine them.
50. And this promise oh please may it come true: “As I’ve grown in the CoDA program, I’ve gained a better understanding of who I am and what I need. Today, my relationships are less painful and more real.
51. That I am able to type these today.
52. Today’s Language of Letting Go talks about increasing our self-esteem by regularly practicing Step Ten. I should do that.
53. And then it talks about not working this Step to punish ourselves or be critical, but to maintain self-esteem and harmony in our relationship with ourselves and others and to stay on track.
54. This gives me an incentive to finish getting through Step Eight, so I can do Step Nine.
55. Oh – and this – which is huge. “When an issue or problem emerges and needs our attention, identify it and openly discuss it with tat least one safe person and God.
56. And it says “Accept it.
57. And “Become willing to let go of it.
58. And “Ask god to take it from us.
59. “Have a change of heart by the willingness to make whatever amend is called for – to do what is necessary to take care of ourselves.
60. Lastly, “Take an appropriate action to resolve the matter. Then let go of the guilt and shame.”
61. And it sort of promises: “This is a simple formula for taking care of ourselves. This is how we change. This is how we become changed
62. This is the process for healing and health. This is the process for achieving self-responsibility and self-esteem.”
63. And “The next time we do something that bothers us, the next time we feel off track or off course, we don’t’ have to waste our time or energy feeling ashamed. We can take a Tenth Step. Let the process happen. And move on with our life.”
64. Yesterday’s Language of Letting Go: “Once I realized it was okay for me to think about and identify what I wanted, remarkable things began to take place in my life.” – Anonymous
65. And it says “We each have a life to live, one that has purpose and meaning.
66. “We can set goals annually, monthly, or daily in times of crisis.
67. “Goals create direction and pace;
68. “goals help us achieve a manageable life that is directed in the course we choose for ourselves.”
69. “We can help give our lives direction b setting goals.
70. “Today, I will pay attention to setting a course of action for my life, rather than letting others control my life and affairs.”
71. May I have goals. I’m grateful to read about them.
72. Dr. Drew Celebrity Rehab. I’ve watched it this season, and I’m a bit embarrassed to admit, but I find it helpful.
73. That 4 people called me about plans last Saturday.
74. That 2 called today.
75. Doggie happy with her little toy right now.
76. Dancing
77. Dancing lessons I took with J. I miss that. But I’m happy we had it.
78. The bell at the beach, when I was walking with J. I miss that but I’m happy I had it.
79. Vegan recipes
80. Vegans
81. My healthy skin
82. Self-help books
83. The lovely bubble bath I took this morning.
84. That soon I’ll be able to practice piano again.
85. Sept. 3 Language of Letting Go: “We cannot control what others do, but we can choose our own behaviors and our own course of action.
86. Oh boy, Sept 1: “Patience. Sometimes we get what we want right away. At other times, we wonder if our desires will ever be fulfilled.
87. And it says, it actually says, this: “We will be fulfilled in the best way possible and as quickly as possible.
88. “But some things take time. Sometimes, we have lessons to learn first, lesons that prepare us so we can accept the good we deserve.
89. “Things are being worked out in us, and in others.
90. Blocks in us are being removed. A solid foundation is being laid.
91. “Be patient. Relax and trust. Let go.
92. “Then, let go some more.
93. “***Good things are planned for us.
94. “We will receive them at the first available moment.
95. “We will have all our heart longs for.
96. “Relax and trust.”
97. And it says: “Today, I will identify what I want and need; then, I’ll be willing to let go of it.
98. “I will devote my energy to living my life today, so I may master my lessons as quickly as possible.
99. “I will trust that what I want and need is coming to me.
100. “I will let go of my need to control the details.”
101. That I prayed on my knees and prostrate this morning.

Dear God

Dear Father,

You are my Father, and I know You care about me.
I thank you for all the gifts you've given me in health, safety, love, water, food, peace.
I am sorry for the waste I've made of so much; not caring for my body, my marriage, my financial situation, my home.

Father,
I am suffering, and have been for a long time. I truly have learned lessons. Please, relieve me of this suffering.

I ask You this, Father.
Please help me.
In Jesus' name,
Amen.

My One Hundred Gratitudes Today

I am grateful:

1. Daily Om: “…we can we can choose to follow the cues of the sun and continue doing our work and shining our light, even when we can’t yet see results. In doing so we exercise our patience, making sure we are prepared when opportunity knocks and all other elements are in their right and perfect places.”
2. Books I’m reading which can help me with self and with marriage.
3. I am grateful that I got my hair colored today. No more grays.
4. And that I got it cut.
5. And that she did a good job.
6. And then got a before-school pedicure!
7. And that it’s a really pretty pink. Almost funky.
8. And that I took my mother to the bank.
9. And shopping.
10. And did some shopping myself.
11. Have fresh produce now.
12. And beautiful carnations.
13. And even magazines. That is luxury.
14. I’m grateful that I went to dh’s and picked up doggie
15. And she has done her standard waggling
16. And “smiling”
17. And eating and drinking the fresh food and cold fresh water
18. And checking out her “box”
19. And her beds
20. And “her” yard
21. And been cuddled
22. And is now sleeping at my feet
23. And that I saw dh while there
24. And I gave him seedless red grapes
25. And watermelon, which is his favorite.
26. And I saw the other person and 2 dogs and it was nice.
27. And I must say, I’m just not so sure that he’ll always be so sure he doesn’t want me. I feel that every time I see him pretty much. But it might be, and I am learning to accept that and I’m grateful for the acceptance too.
28. I’m grateful for the nice clothes I’m wearing today
29. And the nice sunglasses
30. And the nice shoes.
31. And that I can do laundry later
32. And may go to lunch with O.
33. And now it is 9/4. O didn’t do lunch and didn’t even call. I called her, half an hour past time, and she said she “didn’t get to call” but we’d do dinner. I was disappointed but looking forward to dinner. By 7pm, I left a message saying please call and at least let me know if we are going. She never called. Meanwhile, and this does *not * always happen, I had *3 * other calls and kept all my time open because already had plans with O! Oy. So why am I grateful? For one thing, that my friendship with her is worth more than yesterday’s problem.
34. And that I register that.
35. And that I did receive those 3 calls.
36. And that although I am crying this morning, I *am * growing.
37. And that if I can just get myself to drive, or call myself who is going and bum a ride with them, I can get to an OA meeting.
38. And CoDa meeting is later today.
39. And I can switch my stuff to my new pocketbook today if I’d like.
40. Or I can wait until tomorrow.
41. Or Tuesday.
42. And I got to sleep with doggie last night.
43. And to cuddle her this morning.
44. And she seems happy.
45. I am on day 24 of clean eating. Thank God.
46. I am grateful that God is forgiving.
47. I am enormously grateful that I am not always alone in cyberspace.
48. I am grateful that my hair came out great yesterday.
49. And that my shoes were comfortable.
50. And that I am a spiritual person too. Even though I’m finally taking care of the way I look, I am more spiritual than material and I’m grateful for that.
51. For every dog I’ve ever loved.
52. And every bird too.
53. I just got interrupted and spoke with O. And I’m glad that although I was disappointed last night, I didn’t get like really angry or something, because as I did suspect, it turns out a friend of hers had a real problem and she had to be there for her. I’m not grateful that the friend, whom I’ve met also, had a problem, of course. But I’m grateful that she was there for her.
54. And that we spoke this morning.
55. And might get together tomorrow.
56. That I will see MA today.
57. That Mn just called and reached out because she was in pain. I’m glad she called me, and others.
58. And I’m glad I/we were there for her.
59. That the foursome had a nice lunch the other day.
60. That the Advil helped my mother this morning.
61. That although I don’t feel it in all ways, I know God is there for me.
62. Baths, including the one I’m about to take.
63. Plum wine. Alcohol is not a problem for me, food is, and I have enjoyed two glasses of plum wine this past week.
64. For Today today: “The present time has one advantage over every other – it is our own. (Charles Caleb Colton)
65. “I have all the wealth in the world right now, in this moment,….”
66. Oh. This is wonderful. It says, “I have all the wealth in the world right now, in this moment, when I can live free of anxiety about the future and the pain of the past. There is power in the present moment.
67. “It has the strength and substance of reality, not the willo’-the-wisp of illusion.
68. “When I live in the world as it is, one minute, one hour, one day at a time, I lose all thought of plans and blueprints.” That is huge!
69. And “The present is mine today, and I claim it without hesitation.
70. “I open my mind, take leave of worry and free myself of all that keeps me from enjoying the beauty of the world.
71. “For today: Nothing that happened yesterday or that may happen tomorrow is more important that NOW.”
72. Wow. And yesterday’s is about indecision. “I am so used to being in charge, I forget that I turned over control of my life to God;
73. “that my rule is to try to know God’s will for me and then do it.
74. “To keep indecision from throwing me into a panic, I keep repeating, ‘Thy will be done, not mine.’
75. And it says, “Always, my burden is lifted.
76. And “I realize that God’s will for me is not to make the ‘right’ choice, but to feel free to make mistakes; to be sane.”
77. And “For today: Beginning this very moment, I turn my life and my will over to my Higher Power.”
78. And Sept. 2’s says, “Help is…to do what needs to be done when a friend’s burden becomes crippling.”
79. And this help: “I need the awareness to keep my ego, my advice, my good intentions out of another’s life, even though they appear in the guise of help.
80. “If I want to help others develop their own strengths and realize their full potential, I cannot do it by telling them what to do.
81. And “For today: I am an instrument of my Higher Power. I carry the message, but I do not interfere with it.”
82. I’m grateful that I’m back into the literature.
83. Today’s Voices of Recovery: “Our Higher Power is the only source of help that is always available to us, always strong enough to lift us up and set our feet on the path of life.” OA 12 & 12 p. 98
84. “Binging, turning to others for comfort, and addictive behaviors were my ways of coping with life before OA. Now I’m reassured by trusting that twenty-four hours a day, in every situation, God is within me to lovingly guide and direct my life.
85. “God is within e to lovingly guide and direct my life.
86. And it says, “Daily practice of prayer and meditation allows direct conscious contact with this source of healing and strength. When self-will runs riot, or character defects flare up, I trust my Higher Power to lead me back to a path of sane living.
87. And “In recovery I enjoy an intimate relationship with God; spiritual friends; family; OA fellowship; and a safe, secure home.
88. “I am grateful to be beyond food obsession and harmful behaviors.
89. “A joy I could only imagine in the past is mine today, with my Higher Power guiding my life.”
90. Huge for me: Yesterday’s: “I do not need to fear failure. I need, rather, the peace of mind that comes with taking the actions I have been putting off.” For Today, p. 168.
91. And advice I really need. “I had been trying to get back on track with my food for months. I kept veering off and on again, never staying long enough to get to my destination. Then I read just what I needed to help me with yet another ‘new beginning.’
92. “This reading helps me realize that fear is a four-letter word for procrastination.
93. “How can I get away from fear? Meditation helps me recall that the answer to fear is faith. God is the engine; I am the caboose.
94. “Once again, I humbly ask for His help and guidance to kick my disease off the tracks and get my life back on the rails.
95. “I go to a meeting.
96. “I make outreach calls. I hear what I need to hear through the combined wisdom and faith of the program.
97. “I commit to follow my food plan one day at a time.
98. “I am once again clicking along the track and feeling grateful, joyful, and quite capable, thanks to God and the program.”
99. And Sept 2: “Now I see that the miracle of the week is often of a different nature. Sometimes it is right in front of me, operating daily in my life. I simple do not recognize it because I am so busy searching the heavens for a blinding revelation or, at the very least, fireworks.”
100. That I made it to a hundred after all!
101. Hope.

Typing Making Troubles But

Still trying to be grateful etc.
Will get here today.

Affirmations

I got these from a book, and I like them.

"I am capable of change."
“I have courage and motivation to save my marriage.”
“I am persistent and consistent.”
“I can learn new behaviors and ways of doing things.”
“I am being supported by God, friends, and loved ones.” 
“Good for me for having the courage to take action—I'm proud of myself!"
“I have many good qualities that others appreciate.” 

Affirmations

God made me.
I am a creation of God.
I am a full person.
I am a full woman.
I am growing and changing and improving, but I am also enough right now.
Life is great.
The universe is so wonderful to me!
I have all that I need!

Gratitudes

I am grateful:

1. Up and coming tennis star Sloane Stephens saying, “Count your blessings, not your worries.”
2. Going to health food store today, with friend, and getting some good things.
3. Falling in love – in love – with that gorgeous yellow cockatiel today
4. That he was already “spoken for” by another person, *with * a waiting list. Because I really shouldn’t be getting a bird right now, I guess: )
5. Lunch today with MA, LM, and O
6. Get to take mother to bank and shopping tomorrow
7. Get to have hair cut and colored tomorrow too
8. ***Get doggie tomorrow for 3 days! Yay!
9. Nice weather right now.
10. Phone talks this morning
11. J. and I being nice to each other.
12. Losing weight now.
13. Eating more cleanly now.
14. Yesterday, former student who can be tricky but I “got” and was good to, coming to see me with wonderful mom and cute little brother too
15. And special former student, who had a *great * year with me and I worked *really hard * to help him (!) coming to visit me with loving mom too
16. And meeting some new students who’ll be in my class starting Tuesday.
17. And that they’re so adorable.
18. And that reminded me what it’s about. *Why * I spent all those days in the dust and must and boxes and ickity work. For them. Good : )
19. That, being so exhausted and achy last night, I got to sleep for like 15 hours! Body needed it, and I got it.
20. Listening to Rosie O’Donnell on Oprah today (repeat)
21. That I have no diseases today. That’s really lucky.
22. That I had a salad slice with no dressing today.
23. And fresh fruit. Yummy.
24. That I went to lunch for a break from work yesterday.
25. With O
26. And had plum wine. On a weekday. In the daytime (no students of course). Fun.
27. My friendship with my mother
28. That someone in an online community said really nice things to me today about who I am.
29. And someone else sent me love and light and good wishes.
30. That the woman who had to help me with a business online thing today was so patient and lovely
31. And that I wrote an e-mail to the company praising her by name.
32. That my friends and I tipped the two busboys today, who were so very nice! (as compared with our waiter who was not so much, although we tipped him a bit too). One of the busboys was like shocked! And the other was very grateful. And I felt good that we found them and did that.
33. That other people get through rough things and I can too.
34. That I am able to type these things today!
35. That my classroom is done!
36. And it is nice!
37. And although there are three very high sections of things J. had previously put up, I did all the end-of-year stuff and all the summer-set-up stuff without him this year.
38. I just know the kids will be very comfortable, safe, busy and happy in there.
39. That I had a good session with my shrink this week
40. That I’ll continue to exercise more this school year.
41. That people at work this week, who haven’t seen me since June, were commenting that I looked great.
42. And about my nice skin too!
43. That I pray.
44. Hope.
45. That even though I did choose to stay here through the hurricane, 2 people invited me to go to their homes if needed, plus one said she would if only there was a second bedroom (because she was with her husband in the one).
46. Silly, and maybe hard to admit, but I’m grateful for the tabloids because sometimes it just relaxes me to read them.
47. And for good books too!
48. And for foreign films.
49. And for Archie comics.
50. And that although many people without money assume rich people are all a certain way, I know a number of wealthy people who are loving and have deep values and are raising great kids. (PS I am *not * a person with money. I *know * them. I am not one *of * them lol)
51. Love. In all its forms
52. I’m happy for that person/family who will be getting that wonderful cockatiel with the great personality.
53. I am grateful that although I have been craving eggs for a few weeks now, I have not broken my veganism.
54. And that some friends have had ideas about what it might be.
55. And that every day now I shower or bathe, and dress nicely, and wear a little makeup and fix my hair, and some days a *little * perfume.
56. And that the shoes I wore today were pretty, and had polka-dots on the inside.
57. And that even if I don’t cook today or tomorrow, I have enough healthy food here.
58. That I am not as much an isolator as I used to be.
59. That I love animals and they love me, mostly.
60. That my friend’s sick cat is doing well for the day.
61. That I might just go to a movie by myself.
62. That I am back at work with M. I have missed her and we are so good to each other.
63. That I paid for O’s strawberries today, and tried to pay for her lunch too, as she drives us both so much.
64. Authenticity. And everyone who has it.
65. Lack of pretense. And everyone who has it.
66. Integrity. And everyone who has it.
67. Great children’s books.
68. That I have 3 pretty skirts.
69. Music
70. That both of my dogs, the one who died 7 years ago and the one I have now, love it (music).
71. Polenta, I think.
72. 12-step programs.
73. Some life hints I do learn from the Dr. Phil show.
74. Dr. Oz show.
75. And that I may even try to go to it soon!
76. The cozy feel of the sweatery pink thing I was wearing today.
77. Water. I’m always grateful for water.
78. My strong heart.
79. That although I have some depression, fear, loneliness, regrets (!) and stuff, I also am somewhat relaxed right now.
80. That my shrink and friends have said I’ve done great this first week (and a half) since J. said he does not see us ever getting back together.
81. Psychology
82. Philosophy
83. Reiki
84. Meditation
85. That a colleague at work told me this week that Thich Nhat Hahn, about whom she learned from me, has changed her life.
86. And – then a parent asked me for info on how to learn more about him at least online.
87. That some people are so open-minded about others and all of our differences, as long as we are good people.
88. That I think I am generally an accepting person.
89. The Golden Rule.
90. Everyone who has ever read my blog, and kept me from being all alone in cyber-space.
91. That I’ve connected with may people at work. I’m glad about that.
92. That children always – always – feel, and are, safe with me. I’m so grateful for that.
93. That I have a good brain. I had cognitive damage from an injury once, and so I especially do appreciate being able to think.
94. That I’m *finally * beginning to learn that life is an adventure. That it’s okay, and good, and normal, and reality to not be able to know what’s coming!
95. And that accepting that makes it all better!
96. That I am on day 22 of eating well! Wow.
97. Deep breaths. I just found myself experiencing one.
98. People who respect me.
99. People whom I respect.
100. That it doesn’t matter what job or volunteer work or housework etc. etc. that we do, as long as we do it honestly and with integrity. *All * of it is worth something to the world.
101. My cousin Jo, and that we connected today.