I am grateful:
1. Eating so well yesterday.
2. And Tuesday
3. And Monday
4. And Sunday
5. And Saturday too. That’s good. Phew.
6. Hearing from l. already this morning.
7. The inspirational things I find on facebook
8. Fresh coffee this am
9. That I am alive
10. That I am breathing
11. That I woke up. From those nightmares.
12. That tonight I can get more sleep, as I am tired.
13. Shoes
14. Boots
15. Shelter from the pouring rain out there
16. That I shared such great science with my students yesterday.
17. And will more, today
18. That I found the stupid thing I was looking for!
19. The low light in this morning room right now.
20. That just doing 19 of these, I feel a bit better already!
21. My homemade pizza. It’s more like veggie focaccia I guess…
22. That at least I’m having fun at the job right now!
23. Meditation.
24. Rice wine vinegar and other vinegars
25. Sofas
26. Loveseat.
27. Outside of the table chairs, I only own two chairs! But I’m grateful for those chairs
28. Whole grain breads
29. All exercise
30. People who help each other.
31. This blog. Can’t do pictures anymore but thank God for this blog.
32. Clean clothes. Phew.
33. The first school where I taught in this district. Those days.
34. I am grateful for all my opportunities, including college.
35. And that I appreciate life more now
36. And that I am not in the shape I was in Sunday!
37. My iPhone
38. The Today show
39. My Nook
40. that I have a new book to read. For my book gropu.
41. That I’m still allowed in, after missing
42. Scrabble
43. Pyramid
44. Boggle
45. Cards
46. Legos (for the kids)
47. Llincoln Logs for them too
48. And tangrams
49. And finger puppets – all the stuff they use to build
50. Helen Keller
51. Koko the Gorilla
52. That I’m on time every day
53. Organic chocolate coconut milk
54. Organic peanut buter
55. Homemade soup
56. Water
57. Swimming
58. Gyms
59. That my kids get p.e. twice per week
60. And music and art and library and Spanish…
61. And after school clubs
62. And theater
63. And assemblies
64. The French language.
65. That I think I can take French lessons again soon! Yay!
66. Maybe can go there soon!
67. And maybe can go to Plum Village next December!
68. Quirky
69. J helping me at this time
70. M
71. MA
72. Reading. Maybe I’ll go to MA’s today and read after school…
73. Or better yet, come home and sleep!
74. Choices!
75. My opthamologist
76. our union. I do not get paid enough! I pay a fortune into my health insurance, I work really hard – teaching is NOT what others think! And I AM grateful to have the union. Against nepotism and UNFAIR firings…
77. medicines I need
78. sleep. Even with the nightmares, and that very bad one(!) I’m still glad for sleep! Some people can’t
79. hair
80. skin
81. teeth
82. feet
83. ability to walk
84. wow I have so much. Fridge
85. microwave
86. spelt
87. heat
88. hot water
89. wood floors. So lucky
90. car
91. tires phew
92. ability to drive
93. license
94. no points – never moving violation type thing
95. never been sued
96. never have sued anyone
97. doggie bless her
98. kiddies bless them (students)
99. that I don’t have MORE responsibility than I have
100. practicing piano here (home) yesterday for over an hour!
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Today's Reading - Food for Thought
Eat Less, Enjoy More
Before we joined OA, we were eating more and enjoying it less. The more we ate, the more fat we had to lug around, and the harder it was to do anything, much less enjoy doing it. Feeling stuffed and guilty, we often did not even enjoy what it was that we were eating.
When our bodies are not overloaded with too much food and fat, we have energy for new activities. Our minds are sharper when they are not drugged with refined carbohydrates. Our emotions are more serene and positive when we are not full of despair and self-hatred.
Freed from the terrible compulsion to eat more and more, we have time and energy to spend learning a new sport, reading a story to a child, writing a poem. Whatever we choose to do, we enjoy it more when we are not overeating.
When we abstain, we feel good about ourselves. When we feel good about ourselves, we feel good about life.
May I understand that for me, less food means more enjoyment.
Before we joined OA, we were eating more and enjoying it less. The more we ate, the more fat we had to lug around, and the harder it was to do anything, much less enjoy doing it. Feeling stuffed and guilty, we often did not even enjoy what it was that we were eating.
When our bodies are not overloaded with too much food and fat, we have energy for new activities. Our minds are sharper when they are not drugged with refined carbohydrates. Our emotions are more serene and positive when we are not full of despair and self-hatred.
Freed from the terrible compulsion to eat more and more, we have time and energy to spend learning a new sport, reading a story to a child, writing a poem. Whatever we choose to do, we enjoy it more when we are not overeating.
When we abstain, we feel good about ourselves. When we feel good about ourselves, we feel good about life.
May I understand that for me, less food means more enjoyment.
Today's Reading - Each Day a New Beginning
"Fortunately [psycho] analysis is not the only way to resolve inner conflicts. Life itself still remains a very effective therapist." -Karen Horney
The passage of time, coupled with an openness to the messages gleaned from our conversations with others, can provide answers we need for the way out of painful situations. Life is ebb and flow, peaks and valleys, struggles and sweet times. What we fail to realize, all too often, is that the struggles make possible the times that are sweet.
Our conflicts are our special lessons in life. We can learn to flow with them, move through them, trust their value to us as growing, changing women. How good it feels not to have found security with one another and that power greater than ourselves who can, when we are willing, show us the path to resolution.
Life will never be free of conflict -- nor should it be. Our lessons move us to higher planes of awareness. We can experience the joy hidden within the conflict. We can help one another remember that the sweetness of a moment is tied to the pain of a former, forgotten moment.
All events, all experiences, are connected. The path I travel, alone and with others, is bringing me brighter days. I will trust my path. It's right for me.
The passage of time, coupled with an openness to the messages gleaned from our conversations with others, can provide answers we need for the way out of painful situations. Life is ebb and flow, peaks and valleys, struggles and sweet times. What we fail to realize, all too often, is that the struggles make possible the times that are sweet.
Our conflicts are our special lessons in life. We can learn to flow with them, move through them, trust their value to us as growing, changing women. How good it feels not to have found security with one another and that power greater than ourselves who can, when we are willing, show us the path to resolution.
Life will never be free of conflict -- nor should it be. Our lessons move us to higher planes of awareness. We can experience the joy hidden within the conflict. We can help one another remember that the sweetness of a moment is tied to the pain of a former, forgotten moment.
All events, all experiences, are connected. The path I travel, alone and with others, is bringing me brighter days. I will trust my path. It's right for me.
My 100 Gratitudes Today
I am grateful:
1. I was not depressed this morning. Thank God. Not well now, but at least not distracted this morning.
2. That that helps give me a little hope.
3. That I was able to make the real coffee this morning. Really. But haven’t even been able to do that latterly.
4. And that I had it in the house.
5. That I was just nice to H. And very helpful to him.
6. That I’m smiling at them, beause I really don’t feel like it at all. FEEL very tense
7. That the real coffee does seem to help with depression too.
8. That L has been being so kind tome.
9. Compassion altogether.
10. That even J has been being so compassionate and kind to me.
11. That I got here safely this am.
12. That My Schubert practicing is coming along.
13. And even the memory!
14. And that thecMendelssohn was better yesterday than ever yet.
15. And that I even seem to understand the Rachmaninoff better than before!
16. That I had a big salad and one small slice of my homemade pizza last night for dinner
17. That I have broccoli for lunch today
18. Applesauce, for when I’m out of fresh fruit
19. That I have all 4 tires now
20. The assembly yesterday
21. That I have a prep break this afternoon – since there is another meeting at luch
22. I am grateful for my limbs. All four of thme
23. And both eyes. Even exactly as they are.
24. And both ears
25. And that I have a mouth and can talk
26. That I breathe on my own.
27. And my breathing feels fine.
28. I am grateful for mindfulness breathing meditation
29. Swimming. Every time I’ve done it
30. The swimming lessons I actually took in the evening in college. With my mother and older cousin
31. And how my mother put her hand on my back and nudged me when I asked her to. The support of that.
32. And how she also put her hand on my bank and nudged me forward years later, when we got to meet Nana Mouskouri, which I’d ALWAYS wanted to do.
33. How quiet these kids are
34. My principal
35. That A has accepted that I’m not going to have sex with him.
36. I am thankful for everything that does get finished
37. And that L. was texting me still yesterday
38. That this am ik spoke with L, who called,
39. And with A, who messaged
40. Every bit of support I’ve ever gotten
41. And given
42. That I admitted to the kids that I was feeling cranky for no reason and DIDN’T WANT TO BE. Asked them if we could do as “favor to ME” 2 mins. of meditation.
43. They said yes of, course
44. And the truth is, I had shared all that with them on PURPOSE.
45. And they DID enjoy it too!
46. And it DID help me.
47. And I’m grateful that I was thinking about meditation this very morning walking to my room, and about grats. And show if I had to choose one, it would be difficult to choose…
48. That I have a piano here in my classroom
49. And a Steinway grand in the auditorium that I am allowed to use as well. It is kept locked but I am allowed the key.
50. I’m grateful that I just found myself humming!
51. And for the beautiful song I am practicing with the kids singing, currently.
52. Grateful that I get along well with others. Not perfectly, but well.
53. And that I saw them take the garbage yesterday.
54. Holidays at school
55. For these days and years. Someday (if I live( I will retire. And at that time, I won’t BE a “rock star,” Walking down the hall with people calling out to me, dying for a smile, a hug…: )
56. That I think I can start saving money this week, phew.
57. This aide. Part-time and wonderful person and worker.
58. That I have eaten well for some days in a row now.
59. And lost a few pounds again.
60. I am grateful for books.
61. And colorful things. Like book covers
62. And children’s art work
63. And green tea
64. And water. Always thankful for water.
65. And the few little stuffed animals I have here in the classroom
66. And that I found what I looked for this am.
67. Music
68. Art
69. And L’s help in my appreciating it.
70. The museum times.
71. And that I’ll go again.
72. And can even drive myself to a major one now!
73. I’m grateful that my students have been so happy now this morning.
74. I’m grateful for the example of P, who is so healthy internally. And always so positive. Even the way she handled it when they THOUGHT he husband was terminally ill. (He wasn’t, thank goodness). The was she HANDLED it – handled HERSELV..
75. I am grateful for the laughter a few of us (colleagues) just shared while waiting for the meeting that’s about to start
76. And that I’m making the grats a priority.
77. And all of the spiritual work.
78. I’m grateful for computers and programs we can use with the kids.
79. I am grateful that I HAVE someone to call – about the health ins. mix-up
80. And that FINALLY they’re supposed to change our contract language to show that we DO pay in – a LOT! They’ve been making it lok like we don’t! (How did THAT get by???!)
81. Sweaters
82. Comfy shoes today
83. Cold water today to, which I usually don’t do.
84. Flowers. And that I’m looking at some right now
85. Car
86. House
87. Fireplace
88. Washing machine
89. Dryer
90. Dishwasher
91. Shower
92. Soap
93. Dr
94. Other drs
95. All the love I have and have ever had
96. Paintings
97. Sculptures
98. My increased understanding of them through the program here at school for the kids
99. I have never been HUNGRY.
100. That my friend said yesterday, and I quote, “You will make it.”
1. I was not depressed this morning. Thank God. Not well now, but at least not distracted this morning.
2. That that helps give me a little hope.
3. That I was able to make the real coffee this morning. Really. But haven’t even been able to do that latterly.
4. And that I had it in the house.
5. That I was just nice to H. And very helpful to him.
6. That I’m smiling at them, beause I really don’t feel like it at all. FEEL very tense
7. That the real coffee does seem to help with depression too.
8. That L has been being so kind tome.
9. Compassion altogether.
10. That even J has been being so compassionate and kind to me.
11. That I got here safely this am.
12. That My Schubert practicing is coming along.
13. And even the memory!
14. And that thecMendelssohn was better yesterday than ever yet.
15. And that I even seem to understand the Rachmaninoff better than before!
16. That I had a big salad and one small slice of my homemade pizza last night for dinner
17. That I have broccoli for lunch today
18. Applesauce, for when I’m out of fresh fruit
19. That I have all 4 tires now
20. The assembly yesterday
21. That I have a prep break this afternoon – since there is another meeting at luch
22. I am grateful for my limbs. All four of thme
23. And both eyes. Even exactly as they are.
24. And both ears
25. And that I have a mouth and can talk
26. That I breathe on my own.
27. And my breathing feels fine.
28. I am grateful for mindfulness breathing meditation
29. Swimming. Every time I’ve done it
30. The swimming lessons I actually took in the evening in college. With my mother and older cousin
31. And how my mother put her hand on my back and nudged me when I asked her to. The support of that.
32. And how she also put her hand on my bank and nudged me forward years later, when we got to meet Nana Mouskouri, which I’d ALWAYS wanted to do.
33. How quiet these kids are
34. My principal
35. That A has accepted that I’m not going to have sex with him.
36. I am thankful for everything that does get finished
37. And that L. was texting me still yesterday
38. That this am ik spoke with L, who called,
39. And with A, who messaged
40. Every bit of support I’ve ever gotten
41. And given
42. That I admitted to the kids that I was feeling cranky for no reason and DIDN’T WANT TO BE. Asked them if we could do as “favor to ME” 2 mins. of meditation.
43. They said yes of, course
44. And the truth is, I had shared all that with them on PURPOSE.
45. And they DID enjoy it too!
46. And it DID help me.
47. And I’m grateful that I was thinking about meditation this very morning walking to my room, and about grats. And show if I had to choose one, it would be difficult to choose…
48. That I have a piano here in my classroom
49. And a Steinway grand in the auditorium that I am allowed to use as well. It is kept locked but I am allowed the key.
50. I’m grateful that I just found myself humming!
51. And for the beautiful song I am practicing with the kids singing, currently.
52. Grateful that I get along well with others. Not perfectly, but well.
53. And that I saw them take the garbage yesterday.
54. Holidays at school
55. For these days and years. Someday (if I live( I will retire. And at that time, I won’t BE a “rock star,” Walking down the hall with people calling out to me, dying for a smile, a hug…: )
56. That I think I can start saving money this week, phew.
57. This aide. Part-time and wonderful person and worker.
58. That I have eaten well for some days in a row now.
59. And lost a few pounds again.
60. I am grateful for books.
61. And colorful things. Like book covers
62. And children’s art work
63. And green tea
64. And water. Always thankful for water.
65. And the few little stuffed animals I have here in the classroom
66. And that I found what I looked for this am.
67. Music
68. Art
69. And L’s help in my appreciating it.
70. The museum times.
71. And that I’ll go again.
72. And can even drive myself to a major one now!
73. I’m grateful that my students have been so happy now this morning.
74. I’m grateful for the example of P, who is so healthy internally. And always so positive. Even the way she handled it when they THOUGHT he husband was terminally ill. (He wasn’t, thank goodness). The was she HANDLED it – handled HERSELV..
75. I am grateful for the laughter a few of us (colleagues) just shared while waiting for the meeting that’s about to start
76. And that I’m making the grats a priority.
77. And all of the spiritual work.
78. I’m grateful for computers and programs we can use with the kids.
79. I am grateful that I HAVE someone to call – about the health ins. mix-up
80. And that FINALLY they’re supposed to change our contract language to show that we DO pay in – a LOT! They’ve been making it lok like we don’t! (How did THAT get by???!)
81. Sweaters
82. Comfy shoes today
83. Cold water today to, which I usually don’t do.
84. Flowers. And that I’m looking at some right now
85. Car
86. House
87. Fireplace
88. Washing machine
89. Dryer
90. Dishwasher
91. Shower
92. Soap
93. Dr
94. Other drs
95. All the love I have and have ever had
96. Paintings
97. Sculptures
98. My increased understanding of them through the program here at school for the kids
99. I have never been HUNGRY.
100. That my friend said yesterday, and I quote, “You will make it.”
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
I Am So Grateful
to not feel as I did Sunday. Grateful to JJ, to J, to L, to A, to M, to MA, to everyone who reads this. Grateful to God, to my students, to Thich Nhat Hanh, to the fates that make it that I have to work, and even to myself. And to pure luck too. May it continue. Thank you God. Amen.
Affirmations
My heart is the centre of my power. I make loving, healthy choices.
Enduring, loving relationships brighten my life.
It's only a thought and a thought can be changed.
I am not limited by any past thinking. I choose my thoughts with care. I constantly have new insights and new ways of looking at my world. i am willing to change and grow.
I express my creativity
My unique and creative talents and abilities flow through me and they are expressed in deeply satisfying ways. My creativity is always in demand.
My thoughts are Creative
I say OUT to every negative thought that comes to my mind. No person, place, or thing has any power over me, for I am the only thinker in my mind. I create my own reality and everyone in it
Enduring, loving relationships brighten my life.
It's only a thought and a thought can be changed.
I am not limited by any past thinking. I choose my thoughts with care. I constantly have new insights and new ways of looking at my world. i am willing to change and grow.
I express my creativity
My unique and creative talents and abilities flow through me and they are expressed in deeply satisfying ways. My creativity is always in demand.
My thoughts are Creative
I say OUT to every negative thought that comes to my mind. No person, place, or thing has any power over me, for I am the only thinker in my mind. I create my own reality and everyone in it
Feelings Work
I Feel:
nervous about whether A accepts me.
stupid for feeling that way!
nervous about health and energy
so many many times better than I felt Sunday
ok in the moment
grateful to people who love me
I Think It Is Because:
I am getting better but still have a way to go.
Next Time I'll Do Differently:
Don't skip the daily spiritual work.
Keep giving a ton at work.
Practice piano, which helps me a lot.
Do grats in the MORNING>
5 Good Things about Me:
1. I care about others' feelings
2. I love animals
3. I keep trying to improve
4. I do try ot enjoy the day also
5. I can sing on tune.
nervous about whether A accepts me.
stupid for feeling that way!
nervous about health and energy
so many many times better than I felt Sunday
ok in the moment
grateful to people who love me
I Think It Is Because:
I am getting better but still have a way to go.
Next Time I'll Do Differently:
Don't skip the daily spiritual work.
Keep giving a ton at work.
Practice piano, which helps me a lot.
Do grats in the MORNING>
5 Good Things about Me:
1. I care about others' feelings
2. I love animals
3. I keep trying to improve
4. I do try ot enjoy the day also
5. I can sing on tune.
Today's Reading - The Language of Letting Go
Going to Meetings
"I am still amazed, after years of recovering, at how easily I can begin to talk myself out of attending meetings. I am also still amazed at how good I feel when I go." Anonymous
We don't have to stay stuck in our misery and discomfort. An immediate option is available that will help us feel better: go to a meeting, a Twelve Step support group.
Why resist what can help us feel better? Why sit in our obsession or depression when attending a meeting - even if that means an extra meeting - would help us feel better?
Too busy?
There are 168 hours in each week. Taking one or two hours a week for a meeting can maximize the potential of the remaining 166 hours. if we get into our "codependent stuff," we can easily spend a majority of our waking hours obsessing, sitting and doing nothing, lying in bed and feeling depressed, or chasing after other people's needs. not taking those two hours for a meeting can cause us to waste the remaining hours.
Too tired?
There is nothing as invigorating as getting back on track. Going to a meeting can accomplish that.
Today, I will remember that going to meetings helps.
"I am still amazed, after years of recovering, at how easily I can begin to talk myself out of attending meetings. I am also still amazed at how good I feel when I go." Anonymous
We don't have to stay stuck in our misery and discomfort. An immediate option is available that will help us feel better: go to a meeting, a Twelve Step support group.
Why resist what can help us feel better? Why sit in our obsession or depression when attending a meeting - even if that means an extra meeting - would help us feel better?
Too busy?
There are 168 hours in each week. Taking one or two hours a week for a meeting can maximize the potential of the remaining 166 hours. if we get into our "codependent stuff," we can easily spend a majority of our waking hours obsessing, sitting and doing nothing, lying in bed and feeling depressed, or chasing after other people's needs. not taking those two hours for a meeting can cause us to waste the remaining hours.
Too tired?
There is nothing as invigorating as getting back on track. Going to a meeting can accomplish that.
Today, I will remember that going to meetings helps.
Today's Reading - Food for Thought
Love Has no Calories
Moving through the Twelve Steps develops new ability to love. When pride and guilt are reduced, we can relate more genuinely to those we care about. OA gives us tools, which we may use to escape the prison of self.
Our false defenses begin to crumble. As we learn to accept and love ourselves by the grade of God, we can reach out to others and give to them. Overeating destroys us; loving makes us strong. Growing in the program, we love more and give more. In return, we are given new joy and satisfaction.
Loving more may begin with the simple act of writing down the phone number of a fellow OA member and calling sometime during the week. It may mean taking five minutes to fully concentrate on what a child or a friend is trying to say. Food is no substitute for interpersonal relationships. We need to nurture the ones we have and build new ones as we become less dependent on eating and more committed to loving.
Teach me Your love, dear God.
Moving through the Twelve Steps develops new ability to love. When pride and guilt are reduced, we can relate more genuinely to those we care about. OA gives us tools, which we may use to escape the prison of self.
Our false defenses begin to crumble. As we learn to accept and love ourselves by the grade of God, we can reach out to others and give to them. Overeating destroys us; loving makes us strong. Growing in the program, we love more and give more. In return, we are given new joy and satisfaction.
Loving more may begin with the simple act of writing down the phone number of a fellow OA member and calling sometime during the week. It may mean taking five minutes to fully concentrate on what a child or a friend is trying to say. Food is no substitute for interpersonal relationships. We need to nurture the ones we have and build new ones as we become less dependent on eating and more committed to loving.
Teach me Your love, dear God.
Today's Reading - Each Day a New Beginning
"'I can't help it' . . . that's what we all say when we don't want to exert ourselves." Eva Lathbury
Irresponsible behavior is not unfamiliar to us. Passivity is equally familiar. In the past, excusing ourselves of all responsibility prevented us from being blamed. We have learned that it also prevented us from feeling worthy, from fulfilling our potential, from feeling the excitement that comes with achievement.
Our fear of failure helped us to be irresponsible. We may still fear failure, but the program offers us an antidote. We can't fail if we have turned our lives over to our higher power. We will be shown the way to proceed. Our fellow travelers have messages for us that will smooth our path.
I have chosen recovery. I have already said, "I can help it." I will celebrate that I am taking responsibility for my life today.
Irresponsible behavior is not unfamiliar to us. Passivity is equally familiar. In the past, excusing ourselves of all responsibility prevented us from being blamed. We have learned that it also prevented us from feeling worthy, from fulfilling our potential, from feeling the excitement that comes with achievement.
Our fear of failure helped us to be irresponsible. We may still fear failure, but the program offers us an antidote. We can't fail if we have turned our lives over to our higher power. We will be shown the way to proceed. Our fellow travelers have messages for us that will smooth our path.
I have chosen recovery. I have already said, "I can help it." I will celebrate that I am taking responsibility for my life today.
My 100 Gratitudes Today
I am grateful:
1. I did get the new tire done.
2. That I could walk to the place right from work
3. That I was able to afford it.
4. That I paid the checks for my mother's aides on Sunday
5. That I can trust that mechanic
6. That I got to work safely after the car-incident!
7. That I didn't lose my house in Super-Storm Sandy
8. People sending energies for me. I was really in trouble Sunday. Like Christmas Day. Very bad. I needed the help.
9. J sending Reiki energy and thoughts
10. Jo sending prayers
11. Other Jo also
12. MA good wishes
13. L. prayers.
14. M
15. That I bet to work with M!
16. And on same grade level
17. And right next door too. I didn't want to switch grades very much, but this was SUCH a bonus! Actually dreamt about it last night!
18. I don't know WHAT shape I'm in, but I know it's not as bad as Sunday
19. That I explained to A the changes I must make.
20. That he accepted them pretty graciously
21. That I didn't spend the time on the computer last night. Spending those hours each day typing in the little box was altering. Bad. This is better already.
22. I am grateful for the lessons of non-human animals (and babies too). Like the pic I just saw on fb of a wide-eyed kitten, that says, "Are you having a bad day? Do you want my box to play with?"
23. L's communication all day yesterday, to help me because I was so down. Thank you, L, and thank you God, for that.
24. I was SO totally involved, and gave the kids so MUCH yesterday.
25. That one of them told me he meditated for 3 minutes this weekend!
26. I'm grateful that he DID it, AND That he told me.
AND - taught his sister how to!
27. Therefore, I am very grateful that I am teaching them this.
28. That I got home safely. It was slippery out.
29. J. came here and did a favor. Oh I am so grateful for that.
30. And for his phone call to me afterward, saying he is willing to help with a few more things like that. Oh, thank you God. Thank you, J.
31. And that I felt a sense of help and not being alone and relief and lay down right after
32. A little bit of it went away due to A, but not fully away. I made it a priority to keep it as much as I could.
33. M called this am already
34. L called this am already
35. I am grateful for this blog.
36. And for JJ
37. and EJ
38. And Birdie
39. Followers
40. Readers. I am not alone in cyber-space. It was horrible when I used to be, or think I was. I still remember vividly that first message saying honey you are not alone in cyberspace
41. Not being alone. And maybe someday I won't be alone in the house either
42. Living more in the moment yesterday. And realizing, like, the moment I'm walking through the building at school, for example, it is not relevant whether someone is in my house when I'll get home or not. I mean of course it changes life when you are part of a family, but in that moment I am waling alone anyway in the hall at school, and it felt better to realize that.
It is so LATE but I am grateful that I am FINALLY becoming my own person.
43. I am grateful for the special thing happening a bit at work today
44. and that it is not too icy out right now I don't think
45. That i probably don't have pneumonia
46. I have never been in a fire
47. Every act of kindness toward me Sun, yesterday, and today.
48. Every act of kindness toward anyone
49. Every act of kindness I have done too.
50. The bit of disposable income I have had in my life so far.
51. That I am ABLE to work
52. and walk
53. and see
54. and speak
55. broccoli
56. that is was delivered here Sun - Chinese food broccoli
57. and i had more yesterday
58. and still have more for today
59. wild and free horses
60. wild and free dolphins
61. that i live in the area of the world where i do
62. my maternal grandmother
63. my aunt L
64. my lady parts
65. honest people
66. London. That I was in London. I know this comes up a lot But I am SO grateful for it!
67. the trips I took on the tour buses there
68. Readings in books
69. Readings on line
70. J's idea on how I can use the iPod that I paid for and don't use and even offered to him.
71. J in my life right now even in this capacity
72. That I am coming to terms with it.
73. Every moment of peace that I do have.
74. Music
75. Art
76. That L. reminded me that they are worthwhile in lfe.
77. My "Reiki" ring
78. Mindfulness breathing meditation
79. Thich Nhat Hanh.
80. That there is a post on his site today that says, "The kingdom of God is available to you in the here and the now. But the question is whether you are available to the kingdom. Our practice is to make ourselves ready for the kingdom so that it can manifest in the here and the now. You don't need to die in order to enter the kingdom of heaven. In fact, you have to be truly alive in order to do so."
81. And that i have seen/heard him say that in person!
82. They took the garbage this am.
83. And that I saw them do it.
84. That although I can't seem to do it anymore, I did get those first two pictures on the blog. I'll figure out again, I expect. Or get help to.
85. Being able to get help when needed again. Was suffering alone on own for too long.
87. J. helping with that.
88. 100 grats a day practice
89. and the woman who introduced me to it
90. 2 deep breaths just now
91. toilet paper. need to buy more and makes me mindful of how lucky am to have it
92. napkins same thing
93. and paper towels same thing
94. soap
95. detergent
96. shampoo
97. conditioner
98. Staten Island. That I have finally been there now. And many times.
99. I have never been in a violetn crime by a stranger.
100. Towels. Really.
1. I did get the new tire done.
2. That I could walk to the place right from work
3. That I was able to afford it.
4. That I paid the checks for my mother's aides on Sunday
5. That I can trust that mechanic
6. That I got to work safely after the car-incident!
7. That I didn't lose my house in Super-Storm Sandy
8. People sending energies for me. I was really in trouble Sunday. Like Christmas Day. Very bad. I needed the help.
9. J sending Reiki energy and thoughts
10. Jo sending prayers
11. Other Jo also
12. MA good wishes
13. L. prayers.
14. M
15. That I bet to work with M!
16. And on same grade level
17. And right next door too. I didn't want to switch grades very much, but this was SUCH a bonus! Actually dreamt about it last night!
18. I don't know WHAT shape I'm in, but I know it's not as bad as Sunday
19. That I explained to A the changes I must make.
20. That he accepted them pretty graciously
21. That I didn't spend the time on the computer last night. Spending those hours each day typing in the little box was altering. Bad. This is better already.
22. I am grateful for the lessons of non-human animals (and babies too). Like the pic I just saw on fb of a wide-eyed kitten, that says, "Are you having a bad day? Do you want my box to play with?"
23. L's communication all day yesterday, to help me because I was so down. Thank you, L, and thank you God, for that.
24. I was SO totally involved, and gave the kids so MUCH yesterday.
25. That one of them told me he meditated for 3 minutes this weekend!
26. I'm grateful that he DID it, AND That he told me.
AND - taught his sister how to!
27. Therefore, I am very grateful that I am teaching them this.
28. That I got home safely. It was slippery out.
29. J. came here and did a favor. Oh I am so grateful for that.
30. And for his phone call to me afterward, saying he is willing to help with a few more things like that. Oh, thank you God. Thank you, J.
31. And that I felt a sense of help and not being alone and relief and lay down right after
32. A little bit of it went away due to A, but not fully away. I made it a priority to keep it as much as I could.
33. M called this am already
34. L called this am already
35. I am grateful for this blog.
36. And for JJ
37. and EJ
38. And Birdie
39. Followers
40. Readers. I am not alone in cyber-space. It was horrible when I used to be, or think I was. I still remember vividly that first message saying honey you are not alone in cyberspace
41. Not being alone. And maybe someday I won't be alone in the house either
42. Living more in the moment yesterday. And realizing, like, the moment I'm walking through the building at school, for example, it is not relevant whether someone is in my house when I'll get home or not. I mean of course it changes life when you are part of a family, but in that moment I am waling alone anyway in the hall at school, and it felt better to realize that.
It is so LATE but I am grateful that I am FINALLY becoming my own person.
43. I am grateful for the special thing happening a bit at work today
44. and that it is not too icy out right now I don't think
45. That i probably don't have pneumonia
46. I have never been in a fire
47. Every act of kindness toward me Sun, yesterday, and today.
48. Every act of kindness toward anyone
49. Every act of kindness I have done too.
50. The bit of disposable income I have had in my life so far.
51. That I am ABLE to work
52. and walk
53. and see
54. and speak
55. broccoli
56. that is was delivered here Sun - Chinese food broccoli
57. and i had more yesterday
58. and still have more for today
59. wild and free horses
60. wild and free dolphins
61. that i live in the area of the world where i do
62. my maternal grandmother
63. my aunt L
64. my lady parts
65. honest people
66. London. That I was in London. I know this comes up a lot But I am SO grateful for it!
67. the trips I took on the tour buses there
68. Readings in books
69. Readings on line
70. J's idea on how I can use the iPod that I paid for and don't use and even offered to him.
71. J in my life right now even in this capacity
72. That I am coming to terms with it.
73. Every moment of peace that I do have.
74. Music
75. Art
76. That L. reminded me that they are worthwhile in lfe.
77. My "Reiki" ring
78. Mindfulness breathing meditation
79. Thich Nhat Hanh.
80. That there is a post on his site today that says, "The kingdom of God is available to you in the here and the now. But the question is whether you are available to the kingdom. Our practice is to make ourselves ready for the kingdom so that it can manifest in the here and the now. You don't need to die in order to enter the kingdom of heaven. In fact, you have to be truly alive in order to do so."
81. And that i have seen/heard him say that in person!
82. They took the garbage this am.
83. And that I saw them do it.
84. That although I can't seem to do it anymore, I did get those first two pictures on the blog. I'll figure out again, I expect. Or get help to.
85. Being able to get help when needed again. Was suffering alone on own for too long.
87. J. helping with that.
88. 100 grats a day practice
89. and the woman who introduced me to it
90. 2 deep breaths just now
91. toilet paper. need to buy more and makes me mindful of how lucky am to have it
92. napkins same thing
93. and paper towels same thing
94. soap
95. detergent
96. shampoo
97. conditioner
98. Staten Island. That I have finally been there now. And many times.
99. I have never been in a violetn crime by a stranger.
100. Towels. Really.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Affirmations
I am thankful for all the love in my life.
I release the need to control, I am safe.
There is ample time and opportunity for creative expression in whatever area I choose.
I Love Life.
It is my birthright to live fully and freely. I give to life exactly what I want Life to give to me. I am glad to be alive. I Love Life!
I am happy and contented.
I accept the ups and downs of life because I love life and it brings only good things to me.
I release the need to control, I am safe.
There is ample time and opportunity for creative expression in whatever area I choose.
I Love Life.
It is my birthright to live fully and freely. I give to life exactly what I want Life to give to me. I am glad to be alive. I Love Life!
I am happy and contented.
I accept the ups and downs of life because I love life and it brings only good things to me.
Feelings Work
I Feel:
Tense. Chest hurts. Like constricted. But hundreds of times better than even this morning, let alone yesterday.
I Think It Is Because:
DID the right things. Ate the broccoli. Wrote the difficult email to A that can't do anymore... Go the car taken care of. Laundry, garbage. CAME TO WORK. AND GAVE TO THE CHILDREN THE WHOLE TIME.
Next Time I'll Do Differently:
STAY OUT OF HEAD AND Just do the next right thing!
5 Good Things about Me:
1. I do come to the right thing. Like the email to A.
And changing the way I said the other thing to L.
2. I AM a person of substance. Like this morning, reading the Five Mindfulness Trainings again. (more than I "have to.")
3. I do try to spare people's feelings.
4. I do try to keep the kids smiling, laughing, happy while learning.
5. God gave me intelligence. I am intelligence.
and 6. I don't give up really.
Tense. Chest hurts. Like constricted. But hundreds of times better than even this morning, let alone yesterday.
I Think It Is Because:
DID the right things. Ate the broccoli. Wrote the difficult email to A that can't do anymore... Go the car taken care of. Laundry, garbage. CAME TO WORK. AND GAVE TO THE CHILDREN THE WHOLE TIME.
Next Time I'll Do Differently:
STAY OUT OF HEAD AND Just do the next right thing!
5 Good Things about Me:
1. I do come to the right thing. Like the email to A.
And changing the way I said the other thing to L.
2. I AM a person of substance. Like this morning, reading the Five Mindfulness Trainings again. (more than I "have to.")
3. I do try to spare people's feelings.
4. I do try to keep the kids smiling, laughing, happy while learning.
5. God gave me intelligence. I am intelligence.
and 6. I don't give up really.
Today's Reading - Touchstone (which is officially for men)
"To perceive is to suffer." Aristotle
As men [people] in this program, we have given up our compulsive escapes from life.
Our escapes may have been through dependent relationship with others, or with money, sex, food, drugs, work, or emotional binges. But now we are learning to live without them, and this has brought us in touch with our feelings. We feel more joy and more pain in recovery. Often the first feelings in recovery are painful or frightening.
We learn we can deal with life - all of it, a little at a time. We accept pain as part of life. Because of our escapes, our growing up was delayed. We didn't learn how to deal with our pain because we escaped into an anesthetic, a high, and a relief.
Our spiritual recovery program brings us together with other men and women who have pledged to set aside these escapes. Among the many rewards is a reawakening to all of life. No longer will we filter out the suffering because that, too, is part of being aware.
Today, I am thankful for all the life that I perceive and pray for the strength to meet the pain.
As men [people] in this program, we have given up our compulsive escapes from life.
Our escapes may have been through dependent relationship with others, or with money, sex, food, drugs, work, or emotional binges. But now we are learning to live without them, and this has brought us in touch with our feelings. We feel more joy and more pain in recovery. Often the first feelings in recovery are painful or frightening.
We learn we can deal with life - all of it, a little at a time. We accept pain as part of life. Because of our escapes, our growing up was delayed. We didn't learn how to deal with our pain because we escaped into an anesthetic, a high, and a relief.
Our spiritual recovery program brings us together with other men and women who have pledged to set aside these escapes. Among the many rewards is a reawakening to all of life. No longer will we filter out the suffering because that, too, is part of being aware.
Today, I am thankful for all the life that I perceive and pray for the strength to meet the pain.
Lesson # 12 for me, having really worked all day . . .
# 12:
It doesn't really make a real difference most minutes of the day, whether I'm married to J. or not. All the minutes - I'm HERE> Or I"m walking over to pick up my car. Or I'm teaching, eating, typing, chatting with M (next to whom I'm lucky enough to work)... Yes there is an underlying KNOWLEDGE that he's not here. But - for example, picturing the empty house when I get home. Well, I'm not IN that moment here - I'm HERE!
# 13:
I think of how I almost fall into unhappiness and obsession and wishing the minutes away - and I remember how much of the past decades it has been like that anyway. Which means - was NOT happy. Sooo.
It doesn't really make a real difference most minutes of the day, whether I'm married to J. or not. All the minutes - I'm HERE> Or I"m walking over to pick up my car. Or I'm teaching, eating, typing, chatting with M (next to whom I'm lucky enough to work)... Yes there is an underlying KNOWLEDGE that he's not here. But - for example, picturing the empty house when I get home. Well, I'm not IN that moment here - I'm HERE!
# 13:
I think of how I almost fall into unhappiness and obsession and wishing the minutes away - and I remember how much of the past decades it has been like that anyway. Which means - was NOT happy. Sooo.
Note to Self - And Lesson
Lesson #10. So glad I made myself get here, flat tired (which they're fixing right now) and all!. This lesson is: If J doesn't love you, he doesn't. If he does and is confused, he does and is confused. If he just doesn't want you, he just doesn't want you. You CANNOT change that!
You can ONLY do with the life you have!
Make it good or make it suck.
Because the truth is the truth and whether you like it or not, You cannot change things you cannot change, period.
Meanwhile you are alive, you have health, and love (friends and students and mother and maybe even some cousins and an aunt), and abilities and a home and a job and a car. You have support when you need it. Doctors, dentist, principal to help, assistant to her, friends who help as you do them. You even have url friends. Meetings are available for all sorts of issues if you need. You even have a shrink.
Build a life. Breathe. Enjoy the moment.
Period.
And how will you be better off when you turn - name any age - ?
If you wallow now because "it's so late and you're miserable and worthless and your life is hopeless anyway?"
Or
If you do what you can to ACCOMPLISH and to ENJOY today?
Which will make it better not only this minute and today, but next year? In 3 years? In 10 years? 20?
So there.
Lesson # 11. Check!
You can ONLY do with the life you have!
Make it good or make it suck.
Because the truth is the truth and whether you like it or not, You cannot change things you cannot change, period.
Meanwhile you are alive, you have health, and love (friends and students and mother and maybe even some cousins and an aunt), and abilities and a home and a job and a car. You have support when you need it. Doctors, dentist, principal to help, assistant to her, friends who help as you do them. You even have url friends. Meetings are available for all sorts of issues if you need. You even have a shrink.
Build a life. Breathe. Enjoy the moment.
Period.
And how will you be better off when you turn - name any age - ?
If you wallow now because "it's so late and you're miserable and worthless and your life is hopeless anyway?"
Or
If you do what you can to ACCOMPLISH and to ENJOY today?
Which will make it better not only this minute and today, but next year? In 3 years? In 10 years? 20?
So there.
Lesson # 11. Check!
Today's Reading - Today's Gift
"It is such a secret place, the land of tears." Antoine de St. Exupery
Where do tears come from? Perhaps each of us has a private well where the tears rise from. Each of us has our own landscape of events that have hurt us or given us joy. And so we have our own private responses to the world around us. Something may hurt one of us that would not hurt another. Like the oceans and rivers, sometimes our well of tears is flowing. We do not always understand all the forces affecting the oceans, or our well of tears. The kind of bucket that draws water from a well is solid and durable, and it lowers itself deep enough to find water. Good friends and family members are like that. It is comforting to share our private well with such people.
Who will I invite to drink from my well today?
Where do tears come from? Perhaps each of us has a private well where the tears rise from. Each of us has our own landscape of events that have hurt us or given us joy. And so we have our own private responses to the world around us. Something may hurt one of us that would not hurt another. Like the oceans and rivers, sometimes our well of tears is flowing. We do not always understand all the forces affecting the oceans, or our well of tears. The kind of bucket that draws water from a well is solid and durable, and it lowers itself deep enough to find water. Good friends and family members are like that. It is comforting to share our private well with such people.
Who will I invite to drink from my well today?
More Grats. From Fri. but never posted. Need all can have! : )
1. Tools. Like stapler, tape, scissors, knives, etc. Really. They help make daily life easier.
2. The 3 little mins of meditation yesterday, which turned the morning inside around.
3. The minute of so of the “breathing game” I did with them today already. So nice.
4. So nice for them; so nice for me; AND so nice that I am giving them this gift.
5. My part-time aide this year. I love her! As a worker AND a person
6. The freedoms I have. Our government has flaws, many of course, but I have almost total freedom in every way!
7. The spiritual parts of my upbringing.
8. Even th ereligous parts too.
9. That I spoke my truth with L this morning. Fully. Unabashedly. Fearlesslly.
10. AND – once and for all. I should NOT have to – or allow myself to – go over it, go through it – again, let alone again AND again…
11. And A. helped me too. Reminding me: “These long conversations are a CONCESSION to him. He needs mental help. (And you, Lynn, need to not be pulled in to something bad for you…). That that is me being pulled into HIS world. No. Nuh uh. Not good.
12. And so I am grateful for A’s friendship.
13. And I shall now pick a sentence and just stick to it. Over and over again. NOTHING ELSE! And I am grateful for that.
14. The facebook posts I share.
15. When people “Like” them.
16. When people Share them
17. That I had my inhaler. Because just now, in the middle of everything, I had a little attack! I should have seen it coming…. Had itchy hivey things on arm…. Anyway – grateful I had the inhaler
18. And that next door teacher with office, sent aide so I could take 5 minutes. Good
19. And that am breathing fine now (a little jittery due to inhaler chemicals, but breathing fine an dnot in ambulance…
20. Fighting for your breath puts a certain perspective on things…. Grateful fo that perspective.
21. Reading
22. Happy 2nd gr. Work packets
23. That the lunch meeting was actually nice today
24. That although I had my first asthma attack in like 3 years today, and my chest is tight, I AM breathing ok now still
25. The sweetness of these kids
26. Weekend. I hate much of what I have to do. But am glad for the opportunity to do them.
27. Helpers. Adults paid and unpaid. Children to each other and others too.
28. French. I love the sound of that language
29. England
30. Doggie
31. Hubby while I had him
32. That I wrote what I wrote to L today and I will post it I think too and that M told me she’s so proud of me for it
33. Hope
34. My hair
35. That I am doing the right thing later going to the memorial
36. That I still have my mother
37. Telephones
38. My legs
39. Kisses I have had on my inner thighs
40. And on my mouth
41. My favorite book every – Koko’s Kitten
42. And the DVD about her too
43. Instant messaging
44. That I didn’t always get everything I thought I wanted. For example I remember thinking I wanted, “just one month problem-free. But there is no such thing. I mean, there is INSIDE if we are able to make it happen. But what if I HAD had that month? How miserable I might be every month after! Really!
45. Grateful for the laptop
Today's Readings - The Language of Letting Go
Staying in the Present Moment
Often, one of our biggest questions is "What's going to happen?" We may ask this about our relationships, our career, our recovery, and our life. It is easy to tangle us up in worrisome thoughts.
Worrying about what's going to happen blocks us from functioning effectively today. It keeps us from doing our best now. It blocks us from learning and mastering today's lessons. Staying in the now, doing our best, and participating fully today are all we need to do to assure ourselves that what's going to happen tomorrow will be for the best.
Worrying about what's going to happen is a negative contribution to our future. Living in the here and now is ultimately the best thing we can do, not only for today, but also for tomorrow. It helps our relationships, our career, our recovery, and our life.
Things will work out, if we let them. If we must focus on the future other than to plan, all we need to do is affirm that it will be good.
I pray for faith that my future will be good if I live today well, and in peace. I will remember that staying in the present is the best thing I can do for my future. I will focus on what's happening now instead of what's going to happen tomorrow.
Often, one of our biggest questions is "What's going to happen?" We may ask this about our relationships, our career, our recovery, and our life. It is easy to tangle us up in worrisome thoughts.
Worrying about what's going to happen blocks us from functioning effectively today. It keeps us from doing our best now. It blocks us from learning and mastering today's lessons. Staying in the now, doing our best, and participating fully today are all we need to do to assure ourselves that what's going to happen tomorrow will be for the best.
Worrying about what's going to happen is a negative contribution to our future. Living in the here and now is ultimately the best thing we can do, not only for today, but also for tomorrow. It helps our relationships, our career, our recovery, and our life.
Things will work out, if we let them. If we must focus on the future other than to plan, all we need to do is affirm that it will be good.
I pray for faith that my future will be good if I live today well, and in peace. I will remember that staying in the present is the best thing I can do for my future. I will focus on what's happening now instead of what's going to happen tomorrow.
My 100 Gratitudes Today
I am grateful for these things:
1. I didn't get up and eat last night, although I really wanted to.
2. I am thinking of what's good for me.
3. J. is planning to help me a little later.
4. Instant coffee came in handy this morning.
5. I stayed alive and got through yesterday. A very very hard day. But today is a new day.
6. Laptop
7. Readings
8. Friends
9. Water
10. I am grateful for all the times I've had flowers in the house.
11. And all the "pets" I've ever had.
12. For L. being there for me yesterday
13. That I have my "lesson plans" for today.
14. Dentists
15. My teeth
16. That my parents paid for those braces
17. That my stomach is sinking when I think of D and of A. That is a warning sign. And I should heed it.
18. Prayer.
19. I am grateful for Buddha
20. And my introduction thereof
21. The First of the Five Mindfulness Trainings: Reverence For Life
Aware of the suffering caused by the destruction of life, I am committed to cultivating the insight of interbeing and compassion and learning ways to protect the lives of people, animals, plants, and minerals. I am determined not to kill, not to let others kill, and not to support any act of killing in the world, in my thinking, or in my way of life. Seeing that harmful actions arise from anger, fear, greed, and intolerance, which in turn come from dualistic and discriminative thinking, I will cultivate openness, non-discrimination, and non-attachment to views in order to transform violence, fanaticism, and dogmatism in myself and in the world.
22. The Second of the Five Mindfulness Trainings: True Happiness
Aware of the suffering caused by exploitation, social injustice, stealing, and oppression, I am committed to practicing generosity in my thinking, speaking, and acting. I am determined not to steal and not to possess anything that should belong to others; and I will share my time, energy, and material resources with those who are in need. I will practice looking deeply to see that the happiness and suffering of others are not separate from my own happiness and suffering; that true happiness is not possible without understanding and compassion; and that running after wealth, fame, power and sensual pleasures can bring much suffering and despair. I am aware that happiness depends on my mental attitude and not on external conditions, and that I can live happily in the present moment simply by remembering that I already have more than enough conditions to be happy. I am committed to practicing Right Livelihood so that I can help reduce the suffering of living beings on Earth and reverse the process of global warming.
23. The Third of the Five Mindfulness Trainings: True Love
Aware of the suffering caused by sexual misconduct, I am committed to cultivating responsibility and learning ways to protect the safety and integrity of individuals, couples, families, and society. Knowing that sexual desire is not love, and that sexual activity motivated by craving always harms myself as well as others, I am determined not to engage in sexual relations without true love and a deep, long-term commitment made known to my family and friends. I will do everything in my power to protect children from sexual abuse and to prevent couples and families from being broken by sexual misconduct. Seeing that body and mind are one, I am committed to learning appropriate ways to take care of my sexual energy and cultivating loving kindness, compassion, joy and inclusiveness – which are the four basic elements of true love – for my greater happiness and the greater happiness of others. Practicing true love, we know that we will continue beautifully into the future.
24. The Fourth of the Five Mindfulness Trainings: Loving Speech and Deep Listening
Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful speech and the inability to listen to others, I am committed to cultivating loving speech and compassionate listening in order to relieve suffering and to promote reconciliation and peace in myself and among other people, ethnic and religious groups, and nations. Knowing that words can create happiness or suffering, I am committed to speaking truthfully using words that inspire confidence, joy, and hope. When anger is manifesting in me, I am determined not to speak. I will practice mindful breathing and walking in order to recognize and to look deeply into my anger. I know that the roots of anger can be found in my wrong perceptions and lack of understanding of the suffering in myself and in the other person. I will speak and listen in a way that can help myself and the other person to transform suffering and see the way out of difficult situations. I am determined not to spread news that I do not know to be certain and not to utter words that can cause division or discord. I will practice Right Diligence to nourish my capacity for understanding, love, joy, and inclusiveness, and gradually transform anger, violence, and fear that lie deep in my consciousness.
25. The Fifth of the Five Mindfulness Trainings: Nourishment and Healing
Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful consumption, I am committed to cultivating good health, both physical and mental, for myself, my family, and my society by practicing mindful eating, drinking, and consuming. I will practice looking deeply into how I consume the Four Kinds of Nutriments, namely edible foods, sense impressions, volition, and consciousness. I am determined not to gamble, or to use alcohol, drugs, or any other products which contain toxins, such as certain websites, electronic games, TV programs, films, magazines, books, and conversations. I will practice coming back to the present moment to be in touch with the refreshing, healing and nourishing elements in me and around me, not letting regrets and sorrow drag me back into the past nor letting anxieties, fear, or craving pull me out of the present moment. I am determined not to try to cover up loneliness, anxiety, or other suffering by losing myself in consumption. I will contemplate interbeing and consume in a way that preserves peace, joy, and well-being in my body and consciousness, and in the collective body and consciousness of my family, my society and the Earth.
26. The earlier forms, which were easier for me to understand and follow - I will find them again.
27. I am grateful that I have never been mugged.
28. That I have a gas station that will take care of my flat tire.
29. That my mother is ok after her fall yesterday.
30. Grateful that not all alone. Do have friends irl and online.
31. I am grateful for every safe car trip I've ever had
32. And for this day.
33. And for the KNOWLEDGE that what is wrong is really all just inside me. There's nothing horrible and deadly going on "out there" in MY life.
34. For hope.
35. For "the rooms." That helped someone I loved. And me, through the anons and through OA too.
36. That Thich Nhat Hanh says, "You have all the conditions for happiness." Right now.
35. I am grateful that I am a free person. Not a slave. Not in prison. Not a POW. Not in a concentration camp.
36. I am grateful that I've never been in a plane crash.
37. And that I haven't tried to commit suicide.
38. I am grateful for the children who have loved me.
39. And that I have an iPod which I think I shall give to J.
40. For healthy influences.
41. I am grateful for water.
42. And pomegranate juice.
43. And broccoli
44. Grateful for river stones.
45. And mindfulness bells.
46. weather reports
47. I'm grateful for connections to the outside world
48. and that I have to work for a living. it helps keep me out of my own head a bit
49. for the opportunity to meditate
50. that I can walk.
51. I am grateful that i don't have cancer.
52. And that i have all my own teeth.
53. And that I do not have a brain injury.
54. And that I have been introduced to the concepts of "The Secret."
55. Grateful for people who love me. So grateful for them. I need them.
56. Grateful that I see to help people too.
57. a bed
58. pillows
59. my flights to and from London
60. and to CA. to J.
61. cheerful people
62. funny people
63. kind people
65. sane people. I am scared from all these crazy people. Like my mother, when I was growing up. And L with his illness. Thank God he is sweet and kind for me and a compassionate person in my life. But I am scared of his illness. Not scared that he will hurt me or anything he's not violent. Just freaked out by it. I am grateful that there are some normal people.
66. that my lower digestive system works
67. and my upper digestive system
68. the gowns i wore to proms. in the days of gowns at proms lol
69. that men have asked me t marry them.
70. i am less crazy than i used to be maybe
71. that i did dishes yesterday
72. and laundry
73. and garbage things
74. i am grateful for greens
75. and hope.
76. and every second when i'm okay
77. my hands
78. that i will go in today
79. fair people
80. that i have a sofa i'm sitting on right now. that's pretty cushy
81. i am grateful that i think jo will pray for me tofday
82. and other jo too
83. and maybe j
84. and maybe L too
85. that i'm not schizophrenic.
86. that i can breathe on my own. really.
87. that i have seen barbados
88. and bermuda
89. and the LA zoo
90. and trafalgar square for a sit-in for peace with thich nhat hanh
91. for a. who gave me the ticket for free to tn in the city
92. and j. driving me there that time
93. that i can hold my own head up. physically. i know some people can't.
94. i am grateful for governments that are free and help freedoms without wars, if there are any
95. people who help non-human animals
96. that i don't eat animals
97. children
98. i am having trouble swallowing, eating. i am having diarrhea and nose running. but i am grateful for all the health i do have. that i can breathe. chew, etc. that these problems might well be temporary.
99. and that these emotional problems might well be temporary too
100. and that i AM grateful for many things.
101. words about living in the present moment and living the present moment.
1. I didn't get up and eat last night, although I really wanted to.
2. I am thinking of what's good for me.
3. J. is planning to help me a little later.
4. Instant coffee came in handy this morning.
5. I stayed alive and got through yesterday. A very very hard day. But today is a new day.
6. Laptop
7. Readings
8. Friends
9. Water
10. I am grateful for all the times I've had flowers in the house.
11. And all the "pets" I've ever had.
12. For L. being there for me yesterday
13. That I have my "lesson plans" for today.
14. Dentists
15. My teeth
16. That my parents paid for those braces
17. That my stomach is sinking when I think of D and of A. That is a warning sign. And I should heed it.
18. Prayer.
19. I am grateful for Buddha
20. And my introduction thereof
21. The First of the Five Mindfulness Trainings: Reverence For Life
Aware of the suffering caused by the destruction of life, I am committed to cultivating the insight of interbeing and compassion and learning ways to protect the lives of people, animals, plants, and minerals. I am determined not to kill, not to let others kill, and not to support any act of killing in the world, in my thinking, or in my way of life. Seeing that harmful actions arise from anger, fear, greed, and intolerance, which in turn come from dualistic and discriminative thinking, I will cultivate openness, non-discrimination, and non-attachment to views in order to transform violence, fanaticism, and dogmatism in myself and in the world.
22. The Second of the Five Mindfulness Trainings: True Happiness
Aware of the suffering caused by exploitation, social injustice, stealing, and oppression, I am committed to practicing generosity in my thinking, speaking, and acting. I am determined not to steal and not to possess anything that should belong to others; and I will share my time, energy, and material resources with those who are in need. I will practice looking deeply to see that the happiness and suffering of others are not separate from my own happiness and suffering; that true happiness is not possible without understanding and compassion; and that running after wealth, fame, power and sensual pleasures can bring much suffering and despair. I am aware that happiness depends on my mental attitude and not on external conditions, and that I can live happily in the present moment simply by remembering that I already have more than enough conditions to be happy. I am committed to practicing Right Livelihood so that I can help reduce the suffering of living beings on Earth and reverse the process of global warming.
23. The Third of the Five Mindfulness Trainings: True Love
Aware of the suffering caused by sexual misconduct, I am committed to cultivating responsibility and learning ways to protect the safety and integrity of individuals, couples, families, and society. Knowing that sexual desire is not love, and that sexual activity motivated by craving always harms myself as well as others, I am determined not to engage in sexual relations without true love and a deep, long-term commitment made known to my family and friends. I will do everything in my power to protect children from sexual abuse and to prevent couples and families from being broken by sexual misconduct. Seeing that body and mind are one, I am committed to learning appropriate ways to take care of my sexual energy and cultivating loving kindness, compassion, joy and inclusiveness – which are the four basic elements of true love – for my greater happiness and the greater happiness of others. Practicing true love, we know that we will continue beautifully into the future.
24. The Fourth of the Five Mindfulness Trainings: Loving Speech and Deep Listening
Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful speech and the inability to listen to others, I am committed to cultivating loving speech and compassionate listening in order to relieve suffering and to promote reconciliation and peace in myself and among other people, ethnic and religious groups, and nations. Knowing that words can create happiness or suffering, I am committed to speaking truthfully using words that inspire confidence, joy, and hope. When anger is manifesting in me, I am determined not to speak. I will practice mindful breathing and walking in order to recognize and to look deeply into my anger. I know that the roots of anger can be found in my wrong perceptions and lack of understanding of the suffering in myself and in the other person. I will speak and listen in a way that can help myself and the other person to transform suffering and see the way out of difficult situations. I am determined not to spread news that I do not know to be certain and not to utter words that can cause division or discord. I will practice Right Diligence to nourish my capacity for understanding, love, joy, and inclusiveness, and gradually transform anger, violence, and fear that lie deep in my consciousness.
25. The Fifth of the Five Mindfulness Trainings: Nourishment and Healing
Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful consumption, I am committed to cultivating good health, both physical and mental, for myself, my family, and my society by practicing mindful eating, drinking, and consuming. I will practice looking deeply into how I consume the Four Kinds of Nutriments, namely edible foods, sense impressions, volition, and consciousness. I am determined not to gamble, or to use alcohol, drugs, or any other products which contain toxins, such as certain websites, electronic games, TV programs, films, magazines, books, and conversations. I will practice coming back to the present moment to be in touch with the refreshing, healing and nourishing elements in me and around me, not letting regrets and sorrow drag me back into the past nor letting anxieties, fear, or craving pull me out of the present moment. I am determined not to try to cover up loneliness, anxiety, or other suffering by losing myself in consumption. I will contemplate interbeing and consume in a way that preserves peace, joy, and well-being in my body and consciousness, and in the collective body and consciousness of my family, my society and the Earth.
26. The earlier forms, which were easier for me to understand and follow - I will find them again.
27. I am grateful that I have never been mugged.
28. That I have a gas station that will take care of my flat tire.
29. That my mother is ok after her fall yesterday.
30. Grateful that not all alone. Do have friends irl and online.
31. I am grateful for every safe car trip I've ever had
32. And for this day.
33. And for the KNOWLEDGE that what is wrong is really all just inside me. There's nothing horrible and deadly going on "out there" in MY life.
34. For hope.
35. For "the rooms." That helped someone I loved. And me, through the anons and through OA too.
36. That Thich Nhat Hanh says, "You have all the conditions for happiness." Right now.
35. I am grateful that I am a free person. Not a slave. Not in prison. Not a POW. Not in a concentration camp.
36. I am grateful that I've never been in a plane crash.
37. And that I haven't tried to commit suicide.
38. I am grateful for the children who have loved me.
39. And that I have an iPod which I think I shall give to J.
40. For healthy influences.
41. I am grateful for water.
42. And pomegranate juice.
43. And broccoli
44. Grateful for river stones.
45. And mindfulness bells.
46. weather reports
47. I'm grateful for connections to the outside world
48. and that I have to work for a living. it helps keep me out of my own head a bit
49. for the opportunity to meditate
50. that I can walk.
51. I am grateful that i don't have cancer.
52. And that i have all my own teeth.
53. And that I do not have a brain injury.
54. And that I have been introduced to the concepts of "The Secret."
55. Grateful for people who love me. So grateful for them. I need them.
56. Grateful that I see to help people too.
57. a bed
58. pillows
59. my flights to and from London
60. and to CA. to J.
61. cheerful people
62. funny people
63. kind people
65. sane people. I am scared from all these crazy people. Like my mother, when I was growing up. And L with his illness. Thank God he is sweet and kind for me and a compassionate person in my life. But I am scared of his illness. Not scared that he will hurt me or anything he's not violent. Just freaked out by it. I am grateful that there are some normal people.
66. that my lower digestive system works
67. and my upper digestive system
68. the gowns i wore to proms. in the days of gowns at proms lol
69. that men have asked me t marry them.
70. i am less crazy than i used to be maybe
71. that i did dishes yesterday
72. and laundry
73. and garbage things
74. i am grateful for greens
75. and hope.
76. and every second when i'm okay
77. my hands
78. that i will go in today
79. fair people
80. that i have a sofa i'm sitting on right now. that's pretty cushy
81. i am grateful that i think jo will pray for me tofday
82. and other jo too
83. and maybe j
84. and maybe L too
85. that i'm not schizophrenic.
86. that i can breathe on my own. really.
87. that i have seen barbados
88. and bermuda
89. and the LA zoo
90. and trafalgar square for a sit-in for peace with thich nhat hanh
91. for a. who gave me the ticket for free to tn in the city
92. and j. driving me there that time
93. that i can hold my own head up. physically. i know some people can't.
94. i am grateful for governments that are free and help freedoms without wars, if there are any
95. people who help non-human animals
96. that i don't eat animals
97. children
98. i am having trouble swallowing, eating. i am having diarrhea and nose running. but i am grateful for all the health i do have. that i can breathe. chew, etc. that these problems might well be temporary.
99. and that these emotional problems might well be temporary too
100. and that i AM grateful for many things.
101. words about living in the present moment and living the present moment.
Dear God
Dear God
Please help me. I don't know what to do. I felt suicidal on Christmas day and yesterday was pretty much as bad.
What more should I be doing? I am trying to do my spiritual work, eat right, move around, do my job, take care of things here, and keep with friends.
I think I have to change - too much time on computer between work and bed, too much sitting around lazy, too much avoidance, not enough focused exercise.
Please help me.
Please help me to do the things I need to do.
And to be okay. Not that awful, awful, want to not be here anymore feeling.
Thank you.
Amen.
Please help me. I don't know what to do. I felt suicidal on Christmas day and yesterday was pretty much as bad.
What more should I be doing? I am trying to do my spiritual work, eat right, move around, do my job, take care of things here, and keep with friends.
I think I have to change - too much time on computer between work and bed, too much sitting around lazy, too much avoidance, not enough focused exercise.
Please help me.
Please help me to do the things I need to do.
And to be okay. Not that awful, awful, want to not be here anymore feeling.
Thank you.
Amen.
Today's Readings - Food for Thought
Blessed Are the Hungry
When we are sated and overly full of food, there is no room left for the spirit. We feel like taking a nap, rather than working productively or playing enjoyably. During our overeating careers, how many hours have we wasted in bed, sleeping off the effects of a binge?
To eat no more than is necessary is to maintain our minds and bodies in a state of alertness and readiness for action. To say no to the sugars and starches which throw our blood sugar out of balance is to keep our energy level on an even keel.
As we lose excess weight and get rid of debilitating fat, we will probably experience some periods of hunger. There is nothing wrong with being hungry. Often it is when we are hungry that we are most humble and ready to listen to our Higher Power.
To accept physical hunger with serenity is to be spiritually strong.
I pray that my hunger may bring me closer to You, Lord.
When we are sated and overly full of food, there is no room left for the spirit. We feel like taking a nap, rather than working productively or playing enjoyably. During our overeating careers, how many hours have we wasted in bed, sleeping off the effects of a binge?
To eat no more than is necessary is to maintain our minds and bodies in a state of alertness and readiness for action. To say no to the sugars and starches which throw our blood sugar out of balance is to keep our energy level on an even keel.
As we lose excess weight and get rid of debilitating fat, we will probably experience some periods of hunger. There is nothing wrong with being hungry. Often it is when we are hungry that we are most humble and ready to listen to our Higher Power.
To accept physical hunger with serenity is to be spiritually strong.
I pray that my hunger may bring me closer to You, Lord.
Today's Readng - Each Day a New Beginning
"I think self-awareness is probably the most important thing towards being a champion." Billie Jean King
Champions are made. How lucky we are to have the Steps to guide us to become champions. The program promises us self-awareness, but we have to put forth the effort. And the process isn't always easy. We have liabilities, all of us, and it's generally easier to see them than our assets. Self-awareness is recognizing both. To become a champion, whether as an athlete, a homemaker, a teacher, a secretary, or an attorney, is to maximize the assets and minimize the liabilities, but to accept the existence of both. The program that we share offers us daily opportunities to know ourselves, to help other women know themselves, and to strengthen our assets along the way. We can feel our assets growing, and it feels good. We can see our liabilities diminish, and it feels good. The program offers us a championship.
I can strengthen my assets, first by knowing them, and then by emphasizing them repeatedly. I'll focus on one today.
Champions are made. How lucky we are to have the Steps to guide us to become champions. The program promises us self-awareness, but we have to put forth the effort. And the process isn't always easy. We have liabilities, all of us, and it's generally easier to see them than our assets. Self-awareness is recognizing both. To become a champion, whether as an athlete, a homemaker, a teacher, a secretary, or an attorney, is to maximize the assets and minimize the liabilities, but to accept the existence of both. The program that we share offers us daily opportunities to know ourselves, to help other women know themselves, and to strengthen our assets along the way. We can feel our assets growing, and it feels good. We can see our liabilities diminish, and it feels good. The program offers us a championship.
I can strengthen my assets, first by knowing them, and then by emphasizing them repeatedly. I'll focus on one today.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
10:12 pm
glad did the 200 grats today
grateful for L's helpful love and compassion today
glad ate well yesterday and today
God, please help me to stay afloat. Not to sink like that again. May I do your will. and that you that it's not as bad as before.
amen
grateful for L's helpful love and compassion today
glad ate well yesterday and today
God, please help me to stay afloat. Not to sink like that again. May I do your will. and that you that it's not as bad as before.
amen
As Doing
4:35 quick break
lesson 1:
There is no one who is going to take over your life for you, Lynn. So you just fucking do it yourself. That's an important lesson. And frankly, it is how it should be.
4:46 Lesson #2:
Life is a gift.
So there are hardships. So the fuck what?
There is music to be enjoyed. Art to see. There are beaches to breathe and see and sweim and experience. There are squirrels to watch.
and Lesson #3:
You've been working less than half an hour and 3 lessons already. Get off your ass and stay off your ass and ACCOMPLISH! It is always better. In the longrun because things done, of course. But also in the MOMENT!
You hve depression. You are allergic to most of the pills. Do these tings to help yourself!
Nothing is that immediate and urgent and afufl. Just KEEP DOING. Oh, self, honey, DO keep doing!
5:03 Lesson #4:
Who the hell am i to ever judge ANYONE at ALL?! Here I was this very day, Jan. 27 2013, a sniveling partially suicidal feeling little lout!
So, I am not the MOST judgmental person. But I still AM , SOMEWHAT. No. I really don't WANT to be anymore. I want acceptance and understanding and at least an assumption of the best not the wlrst. No body "out there" would have a CLUE what I go through, at home. How much it takes out of me each day.. how I try to "fight it," or when I remember, to "gentle it." So likewise, maybe *I* have no idea what anybody ELSE is going through either!
5:20 Lesson #5:
Hot green tea is a very good thing.
As is working steadily but humanely and taking little regular breaks.
5:35 still in break. Lesson #6. I can't make up for months of letting things go in an evening. AND THAT'S OKAY!
AND #7. that humor is important and so are friends.
And # 8. that there is a God and he will help me/ is helping me.
7:10 not doing anymore since break. and that's okay. and have done not so good thing with a. and 3 gd. things 1 with L, 1 eating broccoli, and 1 calling mother back. and
Lesson #9. i was born. i live. i exist. because that one man doesn't want me CANNOT be enough to die over. Even if it IS J.
Thank you, God. This is better than earlier, that's for sure.
I thank You.
Amen.
lesson 1:
There is no one who is going to take over your life for you, Lynn. So you just fucking do it yourself. That's an important lesson. And frankly, it is how it should be.
4:46 Lesson #2:
Life is a gift.
So there are hardships. So the fuck what?
There is music to be enjoyed. Art to see. There are beaches to breathe and see and sweim and experience. There are squirrels to watch.
and Lesson #3:
You've been working less than half an hour and 3 lessons already. Get off your ass and stay off your ass and ACCOMPLISH! It is always better. In the longrun because things done, of course. But also in the MOMENT!
You hve depression. You are allergic to most of the pills. Do these tings to help yourself!
Nothing is that immediate and urgent and afufl. Just KEEP DOING. Oh, self, honey, DO keep doing!
5:03 Lesson #4:
Who the hell am i to ever judge ANYONE at ALL?! Here I was this very day, Jan. 27 2013, a sniveling partially suicidal feeling little lout!
So, I am not the MOST judgmental person. But I still AM , SOMEWHAT. No. I really don't WANT to be anymore. I want acceptance and understanding and at least an assumption of the best not the wlrst. No body "out there" would have a CLUE what I go through, at home. How much it takes out of me each day.. how I try to "fight it," or when I remember, to "gentle it." So likewise, maybe *I* have no idea what anybody ELSE is going through either!
5:20 Lesson #5:
Hot green tea is a very good thing.
As is working steadily but humanely and taking little regular breaks.
5:35 still in break. Lesson #6. I can't make up for months of letting things go in an evening. AND THAT'S OKAY!
AND #7. that humor is important and so are friends.
And # 8. that there is a God and he will help me/ is helping me.
7:10 not doing anymore since break. and that's okay. and have done not so good thing with a. and 3 gd. things 1 with L, 1 eating broccoli, and 1 calling mother back. and
Lesson #9. i was born. i live. i exist. because that one man doesn't want me CANNOT be enough to die over. Even if it IS J.
Thank you, God. This is better than earlier, that's for sure.
I thank You.
Amen.
Last Thing Then Really Get Back to Work
1. what i really want is to shower and look good every day, eat well for health, and take care of normal routine things.
THEN add fun and social. For now, one a week should be enough.
And limit computer time to spiritual work directly, and maybe 1/2 hour to 1 hour in the evening. That's a lot. But it's less than lately, so is a good place to start.
2. grateful for today's problems. they've gotten me off my butt.
THEN add fun and social. For now, one a week should be enough.
And limit computer time to spiritual work directly, and maybe 1/2 hour to 1 hour in the evening. That's a lot. But it's less than lately, so is a good place to start.
2. grateful for today's problems. they've gotten me off my butt.
More Journal during Very Challenging Day
Important Note to Self:
Is it really any different?
Yes you miss J. And have no romantic love in your life no commitment with a guy...
But look at the realities:
You are upset that can't keep up with stuff. Bills, mother's bills, her health, shopping, cooing, cleaning, laundry, garbage,... need new heat system, ... car, flat tier today,...
Yes J did a lot of that. But weren't you always upset that needed things he wasn't doing? Yes.
So not that different.
Yes it was much much easier and nicer having J's love when mother sick and self sick - and home from work to eat dinner together some of the times.
But so many times hard. and not good. and not normal. and not doing fun things. and him not normal and contributing...
it wasn't all so good. remember.
and it doesn't matter anyway.
You "wish to be dead." Sure. Okay. But not going to kill self. So alive. So want to be alive and sick and depressed and in decrepit house falling apart and fat and lonely and hopeless and getting worse and worse? And spending all time sitting on butt and letting things pile up?
Or want to be alive and in good shape and maybe doing some happy things even.
Get off butt. Do. Little by little. Many minutes a day. That's all. Already started. Now just continue.
And God, please help me. Amen.
Is it really any different?
Yes you miss J. And have no romantic love in your life no commitment with a guy...
But look at the realities:
You are upset that can't keep up with stuff. Bills, mother's bills, her health, shopping, cooing, cleaning, laundry, garbage,... need new heat system, ... car, flat tier today,...
Yes J did a lot of that. But weren't you always upset that needed things he wasn't doing? Yes.
So not that different.
Yes it was much much easier and nicer having J's love when mother sick and self sick - and home from work to eat dinner together some of the times.
But so many times hard. and not good. and not normal. and not doing fun things. and him not normal and contributing...
it wasn't all so good. remember.
and it doesn't matter anyway.
You "wish to be dead." Sure. Okay. But not going to kill self. So alive. So want to be alive and sick and depressed and in decrepit house falling apart and fat and lonely and hopeless and getting worse and worse? And spending all time sitting on butt and letting things pile up?
Or want to be alive and in good shape and maybe doing some happy things even.
Get off butt. Do. Little by little. Many minutes a day. That's all. Already started. Now just continue.
And God, please help me. Amen.
more grats. because need more today.
I am grateful:
1. i am grateful that i managed to get the load of laundry
2. i am grateful that j. called.
3. and that he offered to help me with some things. oh God bless J. I *MUST* try to NOT be sad about what is - he is not here - and/or worried about what may come to be - never talk again one day... and just appreciate the good in THIS moment. we talked. He will help a bit with some things. I can breathe again. Not great that THAT'S what helped, but be grateful that can breathe.
4. i am grateful that i have shoes
5. and boots
6. one pair cute boots and one pair for when wet out. lucky.
7. warm nightclothes
8. robes. one pretty, one warmer.
9. warm slippers.
10. detergent
11. softener
12. soap
13. shampoo
14. hand cream
15. face cream - which i use as rarely as the hand cream lol
16. my mother is alive
17. and doing very well
18. and i am doing for her today. didn't think could. but will. and am so glad will.
19. i am breathing better than an hour ago.
20. humor and laughter
21. smiles
22. inspirational posts
23. words. communication. idioms and feelings expressions.
24. that doggie is a canine good citizen
25. that J. did that for me.
26. hope. god there is hope, right? i am grateful that i have hope.
27. god
28. prayer
29. that my friend's husband was found. that's all i can say here but i am very grateful.
30. i am grateful that i have a cellar and don't have to hook up washer to sink anymore. or dishwasher either.
31. i am grateful for orgasms that i've had in life
32. and kisses too
33. and that i haven't hurt more people or hurt people more
34. signets
35. goslings
36. duckings
37. friends. men and women friends.
38. good teachers everywhere.
39. good nurses everywhere.
40. that i am not in a hospital right now
41. that when i was, i was with J, and he was there for me
42. that my dr. tries to help me
43. that i have been loved
44. i am grateful for the different kinds of love - parents - sister when had it - romantic - friendship - teachers - students
45. my hands
46. books
47. my Nook
48. my piano. and my piano lessons growing up
49. my first piano teacher. she was sweet.
50. i am grateful for my cell phone. iPhone
51. and that J got one too
52. and tall the walks we took together
53. roseanne show repeats. i know, i shouldn't, but i do feel a little better when they're on...
54. i am grateful that i have never been shot
55. or stabbed
56. or in a hold-up. i know people who have
57. dogs
58. all people who help dogs
59. all people who help any animals
60. that i have never stolen a car
61. that i am not a genuine hoarder
62. that maybe L will get some help
63. and partly because of me
64. sweaters
65. socks
66. lipsticks
67. that i have hair. I have a friend with alopecia. I am lucky to have hair.
68. every time i am NOT too hard on myself
69. i am grateful that i have a backyard.
70. and a front yard too. some people do have one and not the other.
71. and that i "have" trees.
72. and bamboo! nice.
73. clothes
74. that i was in the salt water this past summer
75. and lived through the really bad wave-experience. not kidding.
76. the person who saved me when i was like 12, in the wave really bad experience! (i don't want to go in the waves anymore!)
77. whispers
78. affection
79. that i work with children and get loving innocent hugs
80. little E in my class
81. i'm grateful for dishes and flatware and cups and the 3-4 glasses i have
82. wine. and that it doesn't call to me so that although i can enjoy it, i haven't had any in over a week and don't care at all.
83. that although i have some around and am allowed to take it, i haven't had a valium since like may or june
84. that my mother raised me with class and manners and social graces (believe it or not lol)
85. the long-dress piano parties i used to have
86. fran drescher. she is cheerful for me.
87. everyone who is and has ever been compassionate with me
88. that i lived through the bad hosp. mistakes that were made on me
89. every time i've not been lonely
90. every dinner out
91. every movie
92. that i can walk. and drive.
93. that i have flown in airplanes. safely.
94. that i have exercised
95. the laundry is done. now all i have to do is flick the dryer on again in about an hour.
96. i'm grateful that it feels better to do than not to do
97. that walking up the basement stairs i felt ok. oh thank God for any second when i feel okay. and may i use any second when i don't, for the good of others somehow.
98. cubism
99. kandinsky. and that i have two of his prints
100. maybe i CAN get done all that i need to today! it isn't so much, its' just where i AM. internally. but i think i CAN. and J did help with the little list. making it manageable.
101. hangers
102. a place to HANG laundry. I used to have to drape it all over the apartment!
103. that i don't use the dry cleaner anymore.
1. i am grateful that i managed to get the load of laundry
2. i am grateful that j. called.
3. and that he offered to help me with some things. oh God bless J. I *MUST* try to NOT be sad about what is - he is not here - and/or worried about what may come to be - never talk again one day... and just appreciate the good in THIS moment. we talked. He will help a bit with some things. I can breathe again. Not great that THAT'S what helped, but be grateful that can breathe.
4. i am grateful that i have shoes
5. and boots
6. one pair cute boots and one pair for when wet out. lucky.
7. warm nightclothes
8. robes. one pretty, one warmer.
9. warm slippers.
10. detergent
11. softener
12. soap
13. shampoo
14. hand cream
15. face cream - which i use as rarely as the hand cream lol
16. my mother is alive
17. and doing very well
18. and i am doing for her today. didn't think could. but will. and am so glad will.
19. i am breathing better than an hour ago.
20. humor and laughter
21. smiles
22. inspirational posts
23. words. communication. idioms and feelings expressions.
24. that doggie is a canine good citizen
25. that J. did that for me.
26. hope. god there is hope, right? i am grateful that i have hope.
27. god
28. prayer
29. that my friend's husband was found. that's all i can say here but i am very grateful.
30. i am grateful that i have a cellar and don't have to hook up washer to sink anymore. or dishwasher either.
31. i am grateful for orgasms that i've had in life
32. and kisses too
33. and that i haven't hurt more people or hurt people more
34. signets
35. goslings
36. duckings
37. friends. men and women friends.
38. good teachers everywhere.
39. good nurses everywhere.
40. that i am not in a hospital right now
41. that when i was, i was with J, and he was there for me
42. that my dr. tries to help me
43. that i have been loved
44. i am grateful for the different kinds of love - parents - sister when had it - romantic - friendship - teachers - students
45. my hands
46. books
47. my Nook
48. my piano. and my piano lessons growing up
49. my first piano teacher. she was sweet.
50. i am grateful for my cell phone. iPhone
51. and that J got one too
52. and tall the walks we took together
53. roseanne show repeats. i know, i shouldn't, but i do feel a little better when they're on...
54. i am grateful that i have never been shot
55. or stabbed
56. or in a hold-up. i know people who have
57. dogs
58. all people who help dogs
59. all people who help any animals
60. that i have never stolen a car
61. that i am not a genuine hoarder
62. that maybe L will get some help
63. and partly because of me
64. sweaters
65. socks
66. lipsticks
67. that i have hair. I have a friend with alopecia. I am lucky to have hair.
68. every time i am NOT too hard on myself
69. i am grateful that i have a backyard.
70. and a front yard too. some people do have one and not the other.
71. and that i "have" trees.
72. and bamboo! nice.
73. clothes
74. that i was in the salt water this past summer
75. and lived through the really bad wave-experience. not kidding.
76. the person who saved me when i was like 12, in the wave really bad experience! (i don't want to go in the waves anymore!)
77. whispers
78. affection
79. that i work with children and get loving innocent hugs
80. little E in my class
81. i'm grateful for dishes and flatware and cups and the 3-4 glasses i have
82. wine. and that it doesn't call to me so that although i can enjoy it, i haven't had any in over a week and don't care at all.
83. that although i have some around and am allowed to take it, i haven't had a valium since like may or june
84. that my mother raised me with class and manners and social graces (believe it or not lol)
85. the long-dress piano parties i used to have
86. fran drescher. she is cheerful for me.
87. everyone who is and has ever been compassionate with me
88. that i lived through the bad hosp. mistakes that were made on me
89. every time i've not been lonely
90. every dinner out
91. every movie
92. that i can walk. and drive.
93. that i have flown in airplanes. safely.
94. that i have exercised
95. the laundry is done. now all i have to do is flick the dryer on again in about an hour.
96. i'm grateful that it feels better to do than not to do
97. that walking up the basement stairs i felt ok. oh thank God for any second when i feel okay. and may i use any second when i don't, for the good of others somehow.
98. cubism
99. kandinsky. and that i have two of his prints
100. maybe i CAN get done all that i need to today! it isn't so much, its' just where i AM. internally. but i think i CAN. and J did help with the little list. making it manageable.
101. hangers
102. a place to HANG laundry. I used to have to drape it all over the apartment!
103. that i don't use the dry cleaner anymore.
pics won't come into blog again:( and
our new comp. person at work won't/can't/won't help:(
i'll keep trying.. did yesterday to no avail. doing EXACT SAME THING i did with the kandinsky and the butterfly emerging from cocoon...
i'll keep trying.. did yesterday to no avail. doing EXACT SAME THING i did with the kandinsky and the butterfly emerging from cocoon...
My 100 Gratitudes Today
I am depressed. Scared. Anxious. Worried. Almost hopeless. So I will think of 100 things for which I'm grateful, no matter how basic.
I am grateful:
1. I am not and never have been in a concentration camp. I have friends whose parents were, and I do not take this lightly.
2. I am not and have never been in prison. Haven't committed the crimes, and haven't been imprisoned mistakenly.
3. I do not have cancer.
4. I do not have any dread disease (that I know of).
5. A. making me laugh yesterday. Laughing out loud.
6. M's love.
7. That I keep trying to do the next right thing.
8. I ate well yesterday.
9. And plan to again today. And have ready the things I need to.
10. MA
11. J offering to help.
12. I can see.
13. I can breathe.
14. I can walk.
15. I can drive.
16. I have a home. Little, needs work a lot, but it is shelter.
17. With heat.
18. And electricity.
19. And a washing machine.
20. And a dryer.
21. And a dishwasher.
22. A shower.
23. Sinks
24. Bathtub
25. Toilet
26. Toilet paper
27. Napkins
28. Coffee
29. Coffee maker
30. Microwave
31. Toaster oven
32. Stove
33. Refrigerator
34. Lamps
35. Even fireplace
36. Hot water heater
37. can type
38. have degrees
39. parents paid for college
40. i am alive
41. i am young enough to still have a life
42. i can exercise
43. i have a treadmill even
44. and a dvd player for it. what wealth!
45. homemade healthy veggie wh. flour pizza
46. casserole i threw together yesterday - protein spinach onion healthy spices salsa...
47. salad. with healthy spring mix and spinach and baby kale. all organic. so fortunate! really! this is sinking in!
48. access to plenty of water.
49. whole grains
50. protein
51. veggies
52. that i was introduced to collards all those years ago. in the portuguese potato soup. i love collards.
53. flowers
54. paintings
55. museums. i have been to museum of nat. hist, and met, and gugenheim, and noia, and national academy, and indian museum, and about 4 in my county, and smithsonian, and the TATE in LONDON!
56. I have seen sculptures by degas and rodin...
57. paintings by picasso and renoir and rembrandt and pollack . . .
58. artifacts that are thousands of years old
59.i am grateful for the healthy things B and I used to cook together.
60. and for the friendship of Ch all those years
61. and that i googled first hubby and he is doing so well. i am happy for him.
62. for my piano
63. for IMing
65. and email
66. and Vegetarian Times magazine
67. and Prevention magazine
68. that i used to do cheerleading
69. and my body responded so well
70. that i can read
71. that i loved to so much even in kindergarten
72. U'm grateful for every nice thing i do for kids and have ever done for kids
73. and for every penny i've ever given to charity
74. grateful that yesterday i read this hint about the all natural peanut butters - you know - with the oil all on top. And i try to avoid them but when have them, dump into bowl nd stir stir stir need butter knife to do... do not like doing it. And this hint said just store the bottle upside down before first time open it! So I'm doing that now. it should settle...
75. that i have lived to this age
76. that my necessary - really it was necessary - had had two shots and two little surgeries to try to avoid - was bleeding to death - it became an emergency - hysterectomy went so well
77. and that J helped me so much with recovery
78. i'm grateful that i have this laptop
79. and for the times j and i did jigsaw puzzles together
80. i'm actually grateful for the happiness my students have in their lives in and out of school
81. and that i have a job
82. and that it's this job
83. the bit of self-esteem from accomplishing
84. that i am fair. and more. like "the quality of mercy seasons justice."
85.that i have two bits of shakespeare memorized
86. that i actually got to go to the place in the world where i've always MOST wanted to see! England! hard to even believe i was THERE
87. pictures. i have the pics. so grateful for pics
88. the oak tree outside my window. i can see it right now.
89. all the poetry i've ever memorized. yeah, really
90. i am grateful that jo called me because i'm depressed
91. and that i also spoke with m today
92. and that L. emailed me with loving thoughts too
93. my homemade pizza. That i made it yesterday.
94. and that i used whole wheat flour and whole oat flour and a little white flour and topped it with veggies! yum
95. i am grateful that i don't feel as bad as i did an hour ago!
96. i am grateful that my belly right now has healthy food in it.
97. and that i'm TRYING to tell myself enough is enough. that that was a portion and that is enough.
98. for this blog.
99. for everyone who reads it.
100. and that maybe i'm helping them too
I am grateful:
1. I am not and never have been in a concentration camp. I have friends whose parents were, and I do not take this lightly.
2. I am not and have never been in prison. Haven't committed the crimes, and haven't been imprisoned mistakenly.
3. I do not have cancer.
4. I do not have any dread disease (that I know of).
5. A. making me laugh yesterday. Laughing out loud.
6. M's love.
7. That I keep trying to do the next right thing.
8. I ate well yesterday.
9. And plan to again today. And have ready the things I need to.
10. MA
11. J offering to help.
12. I can see.
13. I can breathe.
14. I can walk.
15. I can drive.
16. I have a home. Little, needs work a lot, but it is shelter.
17. With heat.
18. And electricity.
19. And a washing machine.
20. And a dryer.
21. And a dishwasher.
22. A shower.
23. Sinks
24. Bathtub
25. Toilet
26. Toilet paper
27. Napkins
28. Coffee
29. Coffee maker
30. Microwave
31. Toaster oven
32. Stove
33. Refrigerator
34. Lamps
35. Even fireplace
36. Hot water heater
37. can type
38. have degrees
39. parents paid for college
40. i am alive
41. i am young enough to still have a life
42. i can exercise
43. i have a treadmill even
44. and a dvd player for it. what wealth!
45. homemade healthy veggie wh. flour pizza
46. casserole i threw together yesterday - protein spinach onion healthy spices salsa...
47. salad. with healthy spring mix and spinach and baby kale. all organic. so fortunate! really! this is sinking in!
48. access to plenty of water.
49. whole grains
50. protein
51. veggies
52. that i was introduced to collards all those years ago. in the portuguese potato soup. i love collards.
53. flowers
54. paintings
55. museums. i have been to museum of nat. hist, and met, and gugenheim, and noia, and national academy, and indian museum, and about 4 in my county, and smithsonian, and the TATE in LONDON!
56. I have seen sculptures by degas and rodin...
57. paintings by picasso and renoir and rembrandt and pollack . . .
58. artifacts that are thousands of years old
59.i am grateful for the healthy things B and I used to cook together.
60. and for the friendship of Ch all those years
61. and that i googled first hubby and he is doing so well. i am happy for him.
62. for my piano
63. for IMing
65. and email
66. and Vegetarian Times magazine
67. and Prevention magazine
68. that i used to do cheerleading
69. and my body responded so well
70. that i can read
71. that i loved to so much even in kindergarten
72. U'm grateful for every nice thing i do for kids and have ever done for kids
73. and for every penny i've ever given to charity
74. grateful that yesterday i read this hint about the all natural peanut butters - you know - with the oil all on top. And i try to avoid them but when have them, dump into bowl nd stir stir stir need butter knife to do... do not like doing it. And this hint said just store the bottle upside down before first time open it! So I'm doing that now. it should settle...
75. that i have lived to this age
76. that my necessary - really it was necessary - had had two shots and two little surgeries to try to avoid - was bleeding to death - it became an emergency - hysterectomy went so well
77. and that J helped me so much with recovery
78. i'm grateful that i have this laptop
79. and for the times j and i did jigsaw puzzles together
80. i'm actually grateful for the happiness my students have in their lives in and out of school
81. and that i have a job
82. and that it's this job
83. the bit of self-esteem from accomplishing
84. that i am fair. and more. like "the quality of mercy seasons justice."
85.that i have two bits of shakespeare memorized
86. that i actually got to go to the place in the world where i've always MOST wanted to see! England! hard to even believe i was THERE
87. pictures. i have the pics. so grateful for pics
88. the oak tree outside my window. i can see it right now.
89. all the poetry i've ever memorized. yeah, really
90. i am grateful that jo called me because i'm depressed
91. and that i also spoke with m today
92. and that L. emailed me with loving thoughts too
93. my homemade pizza. That i made it yesterday.
94. and that i used whole wheat flour and whole oat flour and a little white flour and topped it with veggies! yum
95. i am grateful that i don't feel as bad as i did an hour ago!
96. i am grateful that my belly right now has healthy food in it.
97. and that i'm TRYING to tell myself enough is enough. that that was a portion and that is enough.
98. for this blog.
99. for everyone who reads it.
100. and that maybe i'm helping them too
Today's Reading - The Language of Letting Go
Needing People
We can find the balance between needling people too much and not letting ourselves need anyone at all.
Many of us have unmet dependency needs lingering from the past. While we want others to fulfill our desire to be loved unconditionally, we may have chosen people who cannot, or will not, be there for us. Some of us are so needy from not loved that we drive people away by needing them too much.
Some of us go to the other extreme. We may have become used to people not being there for us, so we push them away. We fight off our feelings of neediness by becoming overly independent, not allowing ourselves to need anyone. Some of us won't let people be there for us.
Either way, we are living out unfinished business. We deserve better. When we change, our circumstances will change.
If we are too needy, we respond to that by accepting the needy part of us. We let ourselves heal from the pain of past needs going unmet. We stop telling ourselves we're unlovable because we haven't been loved the way we wanted and needed.
If we have shut off the part of us that needs people, we become willing to open up, be vulnerable, and let ourselves be loved. We let ourselves have needs.
We will get the love we need and desire when we begin to believe we're lovable, and when we allow that to happen.
Today, I will strive for the balance between being too needy and not allowing myself to need people. I will let myself receive the law that is there for me.
We can find the balance between needling people too much and not letting ourselves need anyone at all.
Many of us have unmet dependency needs lingering from the past. While we want others to fulfill our desire to be loved unconditionally, we may have chosen people who cannot, or will not, be there for us. Some of us are so needy from not loved that we drive people away by needing them too much.
Some of us go to the other extreme. We may have become used to people not being there for us, so we push them away. We fight off our feelings of neediness by becoming overly independent, not allowing ourselves to need anyone. Some of us won't let people be there for us.
Either way, we are living out unfinished business. We deserve better. When we change, our circumstances will change.
If we are too needy, we respond to that by accepting the needy part of us. We let ourselves heal from the pain of past needs going unmet. We stop telling ourselves we're unlovable because we haven't been loved the way we wanted and needed.
If we have shut off the part of us that needs people, we become willing to open up, be vulnerable, and let ourselves be loved. We let ourselves have needs.
We will get the love we need and desire when we begin to believe we're lovable, and when we allow that to happen.
Today, I will strive for the balance between being too needy and not allowing myself to need people. I will let myself receive the law that is there for me.
Today's Reading - Food for Thought
Enough Is a Feast
The frantic search for more and more has characterized many of our lives. We believed that if only we had more money, more clothes, more sex, more food, and more things - we would be happy and satisfied.
The more we consume, the more miserable we become. No amount of material things will satisfy our emotional and spiritual hunger. We learn to know our Higher Power, and we learn that He satisfies our need, not our greed. He feeds our hearts and our spirits with the abundance of His love, and when we are strengthened spiritually, physical control is possible.
Our measured food plan fills our bodily needs. The measured amount is enough. We accept it and become comfortable with it. More than that, we learn the truth of the ancient Zen saying that "Enough is a feast."
May I be content with enough instead of grasping for more.
The frantic search for more and more has characterized many of our lives. We believed that if only we had more money, more clothes, more sex, more food, and more things - we would be happy and satisfied.
The more we consume, the more miserable we become. No amount of material things will satisfy our emotional and spiritual hunger. We learn to know our Higher Power, and we learn that He satisfies our need, not our greed. He feeds our hearts and our spirits with the abundance of His love, and when we are strengthened spiritually, physical control is possible.
Our measured food plan fills our bodily needs. The measured amount is enough. We accept it and become comfortable with it. More than that, we learn the truth of the ancient Zen saying that "Enough is a feast."
May I be content with enough instead of grasping for more.
Today's Reading - Each Day a New Beginning
"When men are rightfully occupied, then their amusement grows out of their work as the color petals out of a fruitful garden." John Ruskin
What do we need most in order to be happy? Certainly we all need to be loved. Yet we need even more than that. The spirit also wishes to be needed. When we are needed, no matter what age we are, we serve a purpose for others. When we are needed, we will be loved, as well as respected, imitated, and rewarded with gratitude. Our needs are not great empty pits to be filled any way we can. They are the couplings by which we connect to those we love. Our needs also tell us what others want, and how to enrich their lives - - which also enriches ours. How do we become needed? Wee have only to look at our own needs and give what we need to others - - love, respect, kindness, and generosity. When we realize we are needed, we realize we also need others.
What do I need that I can give to another person today?
What do we need most in order to be happy? Certainly we all need to be loved. Yet we need even more than that. The spirit also wishes to be needed. When we are needed, no matter what age we are, we serve a purpose for others. When we are needed, we will be loved, as well as respected, imitated, and rewarded with gratitude. Our needs are not great empty pits to be filled any way we can. They are the couplings by which we connect to those we love. Our needs also tell us what others want, and how to enrich their lives - - which also enriches ours. How do we become needed? Wee have only to look at our own needs and give what we need to others - - love, respect, kindness, and generosity. When we realize we are needed, we realize we also need others.
What do I need that I can give to another person today?
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Uh oh.
My insides have that awful feeling. Like stomach falling and blood pulled right out from my legs. Like you get when you hear the worst news. I am having that right now. Oh no. Will go do something useful. Cooking. And fun. Piano. And will pray. Oh God will pray. Ok.
My 100 Gratitudes Today
1. That got those other pics on that day! lol
2. good whole foods. like whole grain toast
3. hummus
4. guacamole
5. garlic
6. onions
7.lentils
8. beans
9. almonds
10. pecans
11. walnuts
12. brazil nuts
13. dates
14. figs
15. chestnuts
16. pistachios
17. collards
18. spinach
19. broccoli
20. artichoke hearts!
21. whole fresh artichokes!
22. peppers
23. tea
24. eggplant
25. green beans
26. curcumin
27. turmeric
28. oregano
29. parsley
30. berries. like goji berries
31. and cherries
32. blueberries
33. strawberries
34. blackberries
35. raspberries
36. other fruits. including bananas
37. oranges
38. plums
39. peaches
40. rosemary
41. sage
42. thyme
43. peanut butter
44. tomatoes
45. whole grain spelt
46. Indian food
47. whole wheat couscous
48. soup. homemade soups
49. "Strictly Roots" restaurant in Harlem
50. corn
51. grits
52. the tofu from "Strictly Roots"
53. plaintains
54. Good vegan Italian food.
55. Like my mother's zucchini and tomoatoes
56. and her veggie stew
57. tomato sauce
58. cabbage
59. lettuce like iceberg. really
60. romaine
61. and home grown
62. and boston
63. and arugula
64. dandilion greens
65. chard
66. kale
67. celery
68. tops of celery in soups
69. pumpkin
70. carrots - sometimes lol
71. the home-cooked dinners with which I grew up
72. and all the ones J made for me, for us, too.
73. the teddy he bought me. to make me feel good at my weight. and it did. and what he said did too.
74. salads
75. photos
76. i'm miserable inside right now. must think. what am i truly grateful for. i am certainly grateful to be so lucky as to have access to all those foods.
77. and for laughter!
78. and for water!
79. my hands
80. and electricity
81. and sitcoms on today. to help me through the things i don't want to do
82. some of the posts i get on fb
83. doggie
84. J
85. M
86. the other day wen she said she wishes to get house big enough for a br for me and we could be family together. that felt so good. she meant someday and i would sell mine. and it will never happen. but it's good to be loved
87. MA. all these years
88. thich nhat hanh. and how he helps me feel about myself
89. broth
90. sustenance.
91. spoons. really. especially the old-fasioned ones, in like a wooden bowl
92. the time J and I went "camping" - only stayed just til dark and then came home
93. tigers. so beautiful
94. my students appreciating nature so much
95. birth control
96. petunias
97. pansies. Both are especially happy looking flowers, to me.
98. every time i have had flowers in my yard here
99. the time O helped me plant them
100. and when i did alone, at other place
101. and all times J did.
2. good whole foods. like whole grain toast
3. hummus
4. guacamole
5. garlic
6. onions
7.lentils
8. beans
9. almonds
10. pecans
11. walnuts
12. brazil nuts
13. dates
14. figs
15. chestnuts
16. pistachios
17. collards
18. spinach
19. broccoli
20. artichoke hearts!
21. whole fresh artichokes!
22. peppers
23. tea
24. eggplant
25. green beans
26. curcumin
27. turmeric
28. oregano
29. parsley
30. berries. like goji berries
31. and cherries
32. blueberries
33. strawberries
34. blackberries
35. raspberries
36. other fruits. including bananas
37. oranges
38. plums
39. peaches
40. rosemary
41. sage
42. thyme
43. peanut butter
44. tomatoes
45. whole grain spelt
46. Indian food
47. whole wheat couscous
48. soup. homemade soups
49. "Strictly Roots" restaurant in Harlem
50. corn
51. grits
52. the tofu from "Strictly Roots"
53. plaintains
54. Good vegan Italian food.
55. Like my mother's zucchini and tomoatoes
56. and her veggie stew
57. tomato sauce
58. cabbage
59. lettuce like iceberg. really
60. romaine
61. and home grown
62. and boston
63. and arugula
64. dandilion greens
65. chard
66. kale
67. celery
68. tops of celery in soups
69. pumpkin
70. carrots - sometimes lol
71. the home-cooked dinners with which I grew up
72. and all the ones J made for me, for us, too.
73. the teddy he bought me. to make me feel good at my weight. and it did. and what he said did too.
74. salads
75. photos
76. i'm miserable inside right now. must think. what am i truly grateful for. i am certainly grateful to be so lucky as to have access to all those foods.
77. and for laughter!
78. and for water!
79. my hands
80. and electricity
81. and sitcoms on today. to help me through the things i don't want to do
82. some of the posts i get on fb
83. doggie
84. J
85. M
86. the other day wen she said she wishes to get house big enough for a br for me and we could be family together. that felt so good. she meant someday and i would sell mine. and it will never happen. but it's good to be loved
87. MA. all these years
88. thich nhat hanh. and how he helps me feel about myself
89. broth
90. sustenance.
91. spoons. really. especially the old-fasioned ones, in like a wooden bowl
92. the time J and I went "camping" - only stayed just til dark and then came home
93. tigers. so beautiful
94. my students appreciating nature so much
95. birth control
96. petunias
97. pansies. Both are especially happy looking flowers, to me.
98. every time i have had flowers in my yard here
99. the time O helped me plant them
100. and when i did alone, at other place
101. and all times J did.
Journal
So.
I don't care what I eat today.
As long as it is 3 meals (which is best for ME - not for everyone, I know).
And REAL food.
Okay.
so
Just had feelings hurt a little bit. But am okay! Am fine!
Did most grats yesterday, but in Wod document and on other computer and didn't get to put!
Today is a day. And a Saturday no less : )
And I can take my time and do things easily. And in a relaxing fashion.
And knit a little later, too.
Thank you God, for this day.
Yay.
But darn - i have just spend a lot of time trying to upload a pic. i did the other day, cannot today.... oh well. time for grats anyway...
I don't care what I eat today.
As long as it is 3 meals (which is best for ME - not for everyone, I know).
And REAL food.
Okay.
so
Just had feelings hurt a little bit. But am okay! Am fine!
Did most grats yesterday, but in Wod document and on other computer and didn't get to put!
Today is a day. And a Saturday no less : )
And I can take my time and do things easily. And in a relaxing fashion.
And knit a little later, too.
Thank you God, for this day.
Yay.
But darn - i have just spend a lot of time trying to upload a pic. i did the other day, cannot today.... oh well. time for grats anyway...
Friday, January 25, 2013
Today's Reading - Each Day a New Beginning
"The time of discipline began. Each of us the pupil of whichever one of us could best teach what each of us needed to learn." Maria Isabel Barreno
"When the pupil is ready, the teacher appears." Life's lessons often come unexpectedly. They come, nevertheless, and they come according to a timeframe that is Divine. As we grow emotionally and spiritually, we are readied for further lessons for which teacher will appear. Perhaps the teacher will be a loving relationship, a difficult loss, or a truant child. The time of learning is seldom free from pain and questioning. But from these experiences and what they can teach us, we are ready to learn. As we are ready, they come.
We all enjoy the easy times when the sailing is smooth, when all is well, when we are feeling no pain. And these periods serve a purpose. They shore us up for the lessons which carry us to a stronger recovery, to a stronger sense of ourselves. To understand that all is well, throughout the learning process, is the basic lesson we need to learn. All is well. The teacher is the guide up the next rung of the ladder.
Let me be grateful for my lessons today and know that all is well.
"When the pupil is ready, the teacher appears." Life's lessons often come unexpectedly. They come, nevertheless, and they come according to a timeframe that is Divine. As we grow emotionally and spiritually, we are readied for further lessons for which teacher will appear. Perhaps the teacher will be a loving relationship, a difficult loss, or a truant child. The time of learning is seldom free from pain and questioning. But from these experiences and what they can teach us, we are ready to learn. As we are ready, they come.
We all enjoy the easy times when the sailing is smooth, when all is well, when we are feeling no pain. And these periods serve a purpose. They shore us up for the lessons which carry us to a stronger recovery, to a stronger sense of ourselves. To understand that all is well, throughout the learning process, is the basic lesson we need to learn. All is well. The teacher is the guide up the next rung of the ladder.
Let me be grateful for my lessons today and know that all is well.
Journal
Ick. I'm under. Under. Something. But I'm okay. I'm just in need of doing a LOT of things that seem so hard for me. But they're not chemo, or surgery, or fighting back after house burns down - things people do go through. I'm kind of afraid. Of going through anything that DOES come my way, alone. I'm a bit overwhelmed. But as i type this, I know I'm okay. Good. And that I'm not really alone. I do have people who love me. I miss J though. And L is negotiating to be with me again. I can't. And A is nice, and a good diversion, but I think maybe not good FOR me... It's okay. I'll come home after work and sleep. And then have two days to do the crap I've been avoiding out of fear.... It will get better.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
My 100 Gratitudes Today
I am grateful:
1. I am grateful for my breathing on my own.
2. My health food store
3. Kisses
4. Clothes
5. Heat
6. Electricity
7. Car
8. Communication with friends and loved ones.
9. the phone
10. the iPhone too (or any cell phone)
11. happy stories from people's lives
12. indoor recess on these horrible days
13. shoes
14. boots
15. showers
16. whimsy
17. compassion
18. lamps
19. laptop
20. books
21. heat in the car
22. eyesight
23. any protections that do exist, ex. my union. we are being attacked so unjustly.
24. organic food
25. greens
26. coffee this morning
27. JJ
28. EJ
29. Birdie
30. cards
31. ecards
32. love
33. any safety i do have
34. laughter
35. that i have food
36. and water
37. right now, i am not fighting to survive
38. saline solution for my nose
39. non GMO foods
40. hope
41. this blog
42. humor and jokes
43. My kids and their riddles
44. A lot of sleep last night.
45. That I was in a bad place this morning. Found about like THREE MINUTES to mediate when first got to work, and it turned around!!
46. The support A. is in my life right now.
47. That L. said he misses me this morning. Loves, kisses, misses me. And misses sex with me and times together, ...
48. That I will probably spend a little MORE TIME on trying to help him get therapy, and then have to move on FULLY. No friendship...
49. The way I feel when I walk
50. My thing was delivered for the treadmill. Uh oh - no excuses now lol!
51. Sidewalks. Really.
52. That at least I'll be with M at the 3rd-awful-meeting-this-week today at lunchtime.
53. That I get to work with her!
54. Honesty
55. That I am on a clean journey. Trying.
56. New sub and how we were to each other.
57. That I get to work with THESE kids this year!
58. Better today with principal and that other teacher...
59. A's idea bout how to handle L.
60. Memories of UNHAPPINESS with J. Those help me know that HE is NOT The answer! Cannot be!
61. the vegan Greek yogurt I had for breakfast
62. that I can speak. I remember when i couldn't
63. That I can read
64. The Internet
65. I am grateful for paid sick days
66. And that my breath is coming deeply today. not cold in chest like yesterday -
67. For gratitudes themselves.
68. For assemblies
69. For dancing. Watching it and doing it.
70. That I have a piano in my classroom
71. Bottled water today.
72. A microwave (I paid for and leave unplugged) in my classroom
73. And a mini-fridge (I paid - and we get mice if leave food out...)
74.my breasts
75. Every day that I am nice and wonderful to others.
76. Every time I have saved a doggie
77. That I am smart. I'm thankful for my brain.
78. And that my parents paid for college.
79. And so so grateful that I actually did go to London last spring.
80. All by myself!
81. And loved it SO INCREDIBLY MUCH!
82. And that the people there were so friendly to me!
83. That I live near NYC.
84. But not in NYC
85. That my commute to work is not bad
86. The feeling in my legs
87. Nice chat with A. last night.
88. And with M. this morning
89. That I didn't have to see my dr. yesterday
90. The weekend is almost here. I have SO MUCH to take care of!
91. My dishwasher
92. And the particularly great job it did yesterday
93. The movie Les Mis
94. And the discussion we, 3 of us, had about it this am
95. Recess
96. That if it has to cold out, at least it is cold enough for indoor recess. So I don't have to be out in it without the proper attire, which I don't have this season.
97. Vegetarian Times magazine
98. My iPad
99. Gardens
100. My friendship with MA
1. I am grateful for my breathing on my own.
2. My health food store
3. Kisses
4. Clothes
5. Heat
6. Electricity
7. Car
8. Communication with friends and loved ones.
9. the phone
10. the iPhone too (or any cell phone)
11. happy stories from people's lives
12. indoor recess on these horrible days
13. shoes
14. boots
15. showers
16. whimsy
17. compassion
18. lamps
19. laptop
20. books
21. heat in the car
22. eyesight
23. any protections that do exist, ex. my union. we are being attacked so unjustly.
24. organic food
25. greens
26. coffee this morning
27. JJ
28. EJ
29. Birdie
30. cards
31. ecards
32. love
33. any safety i do have
34. laughter
35. that i have food
36. and water
37. right now, i am not fighting to survive
38. saline solution for my nose
39. non GMO foods
40. hope
41. this blog
42. humor and jokes
43. My kids and their riddles
44. A lot of sleep last night.
45. That I was in a bad place this morning. Found about like THREE MINUTES to mediate when first got to work, and it turned around!!
46. The support A. is in my life right now.
47. That L. said he misses me this morning. Loves, kisses, misses me. And misses sex with me and times together, ...
48. That I will probably spend a little MORE TIME on trying to help him get therapy, and then have to move on FULLY. No friendship...
49. The way I feel when I walk
50. My thing was delivered for the treadmill. Uh oh - no excuses now lol!
51. Sidewalks. Really.
52. That at least I'll be with M at the 3rd-awful-meeting-this-week today at lunchtime.
53. That I get to work with her!
54. Honesty
55. That I am on a clean journey. Trying.
56. New sub and how we were to each other.
57. That I get to work with THESE kids this year!
58. Better today with principal and that other teacher...
59. A's idea bout how to handle L.
60. Memories of UNHAPPINESS with J. Those help me know that HE is NOT The answer! Cannot be!
61. the vegan Greek yogurt I had for breakfast
62. that I can speak. I remember when i couldn't
63. That I can read
64. The Internet
65. I am grateful for paid sick days
66. And that my breath is coming deeply today. not cold in chest like yesterday -
67. For gratitudes themselves.
68. For assemblies
69. For dancing. Watching it and doing it.
70. That I have a piano in my classroom
71. Bottled water today.
72. A microwave (I paid for and leave unplugged) in my classroom
73. And a mini-fridge (I paid - and we get mice if leave food out...)
74.my breasts
75. Every day that I am nice and wonderful to others.
76. Every time I have saved a doggie
77. That I am smart. I'm thankful for my brain.
78. And that my parents paid for college.
79. And so so grateful that I actually did go to London last spring.
80. All by myself!
81. And loved it SO INCREDIBLY MUCH!
82. And that the people there were so friendly to me!
83. That I live near NYC.
84. But not in NYC
85. That my commute to work is not bad
86. The feeling in my legs
87. Nice chat with A. last night.
88. And with M. this morning
89. That I didn't have to see my dr. yesterday
90. The weekend is almost here. I have SO MUCH to take care of!
91. My dishwasher
92. And the particularly great job it did yesterday
93. The movie Les Mis
94. And the discussion we, 3 of us, had about it this am
95. Recess
96. That if it has to cold out, at least it is cold enough for indoor recess. So I don't have to be out in it without the proper attire, which I don't have this season.
97. Vegetarian Times magazine
98. My iPad
99. Gardens
100. My friendship with MA
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Affirmations
I am loving, creative and intelligent. Choosing to see and accept myself this way allows me to make positive changes in my life.
I release all resistance to money.
I am now open to the unlimited prosperity that exists everywhere.
I release the past and allow the joy to flow into my life. My future only reflects my past if I allow it to. i now choose to move past old limitations and negativity.
My home is a peaceful haven. I bless my home with Love. I put Love in every corner, and my home lovingly responds with warmth and comfort. I am at peace.
I release all resistance to money.
I am now open to the unlimited prosperity that exists everywhere.
I release the past and allow the joy to flow into my life. My future only reflects my past if I allow it to. i now choose to move past old limitations and negativity.
My home is a peaceful haven. I bless my home with Love. I put Love in every corner, and my home lovingly responds with warmth and comfort. I am at peace.
My 100 Gratitudes Today
I am grateful:
1. Facebook. It gives me great inspirations from posts, sometimes humor, and a way to keep in touch.
2. That I have been able, with some help thank you JJ, to fix my blog better.
3. That I am alive this morning.
4. That I am healthy this morning.
5. That I was amazing for those kids yesterday! Super tops! Yay!
6. That they are so happy.
7. I am still grateful for electricity.
8. And that I have plenty of good healthy food in the house.
9. Tv. I would like to get to the point where I don't need it, but it is helping me now.
10. MA. Her friendship is priceless. She understands me, and I her. We cry together. We laugh together. In fact even wen we start out crying, we end up laughing! She has been such an important part of my life for over 2 decades, and I am so grateful for her.
11. God. God made me. God made the earth and all of us, animals plants and minerals. That is my belief. Whether God is the personalized being or a spirit of life and creation and goodness. I am grateful for God in my life.
11. All the people at OA who helped me, when I used to go. Maybe I should go there again...?
12. Same with Weight Watchers.
13. Weight Watchers online too.
14. Although I *usually* have brewed coffee I haven't been brewing it the last several days. And I'm grateful for Maxwell House instant coffee with Earth Balance chocolate none GMO soymilk.
15. I am grateful for my freedoms, due to my body's health, to walk about the house and turn on lights, and get coffee, . . . Just the little daily things.
16. I am so grateful for this TIME. To transform. I need it.
17. Just started typing "should have" and stopped. I am grateful for not being stuck in the "should haves." I have always done the best I could with what I had.
18. That if I need money after i retire someday in the future, I can probably sub!
19. That I HAVE a home through which to walk, go to the bathroom, eat, sleep, enjoy leisure... I am not homeless. i am not living in a cardboard box when the temperature feels like 1 below this morning. I pray for those who are no as fortunate.
20. That I did mental, emotional, physical exercises with kids yesterday. The whole thing took 15 minutes, and involved multiplication tables, mindful breathing, and a walk through the building.
21. I'm grateful that they loved it so much.
22. And that I know enough to not try to repeat it or do something like too often.
23. And that my school/district supports this kind of thing!
24. That it is double prep day today! I get one every 6 work days. Today's is hampered by a meeting, but that's okay.
25. I am grateful that I have the job I have.
26. And that I have any job at all.
27. That J. and I are being fair financially with each other so far. (May it continue).
28. I am grateful for https://www.facebook.com/capturedbybrooke
29. I'm grateful for heat in my car.
30. And finding a full-serve gas station yesterday.
31. And my car stereo.
32. And its 6-CD changer.
33. And all the help J. gave me finding that car and buying it.
34. I'm grateful for Thich Nhat Hanh's Community of Interbeing
35. For all that i learned during the second half of my injury year, while I was subbing.
36. That I was so great at subbing.
37. That I had an expand folder in my trunk for every grade. As sometimes they made mistake and when I got there I was in a different class than they'd said. And sometimes there were no plans or the plans were not sufficient.
38. That I always did what the teacher had planned.
39. AND gave the kids something from me. A takeaway. Like a fantastic list of great books...
40. That I am reading my favorite book in the world to the kids right now, "Koko's Kitten."
41.That I have come to appreciate working, and my job, so much. I never wanted to work! I am so grateful now that I appreciate it so much.
42. And that it really does add so much to my life.
43. And that I am contributing to the lives of others.
44. That I have learned so much about not being able to change anyone else.
45. That A. helped me to disengage from L.
46. My doctor.
47. Garbage collection.
48. My healthy skin.
50. Serious Skin Care (can get through hsn). I don't use it often, but they don't use animals or test on animals and are GREAT products at really low prices. I don't EVER use nanofied anything, or brightening anything, or vit. a anything, but I love their Reverse Lift line.
51. Department stores
52. That my mother always bought me quality, growing up.
53. Love
54. Kisses
55. EJ
56. JJ
57. Birdie
58. Followers
60. Hope.
61. Onions
62. Vitamins. I need to take them more regularly. I am grateful for them.
63. Emergen-C. I think it helped me this past weekend.
64. Delays on snowy days. Helps us get their safely.
65. Everyone in any politics who IS honest.
66. Homemade healthy grains veggie-no-cheese pizza. I think I'll make some this Fri or Sat.
67. Non GMO foods.
68 .Beautiful photographs of nature
70. The arts
71. Good higher protein lower fat hummus
72. Water. For drink, bathing, washing dishes, washing clothes, and swimming. So lucky to have access to plenty of water. Life-giving, life-enhancing water.
73. My fingers.
74. My eyesight.
75. My drugstore.
76. People who rescue animals.
77. Products that do not use animals
78. Thermometers
79. Medicines when needed.
80. That I have been to two operas in my life.
81. And that one was a dress rehearsal. That was interesting too.
82. That MA is still able to enjoy her life. Even though she has the diagnosis she has.
83. That Jo's daughter is 5 years cancer-free.
84. That I am on time for work every day.
85. That the storm might not be coming after all.
86. Nature. My planet Mother Earth.
87. Bare feet on earth. Soon:)
88. This blog
89. Pink
90. Yellow
91. Protein. And my understanding, finally, of how much of it I need to feel optimal.
92. Singers. I especially love female vocalists. And am grateful for them.
93. That I met Nana Mouskouri.
94. Every time I have been at Lincoln Center.
95. Every time i have been at Carnegie Hall.
96. Every time I have been to Broadway play.
97. Every time I have been to the Museum of Natural History
98. Every time I have been to the Metropolitan Museum of Art.
99. That I have been to Washington DC several times.
100. That I see the glory of Niagara Falls. Twice.
1. Facebook. It gives me great inspirations from posts, sometimes humor, and a way to keep in touch.
2. That I have been able, with some help thank you JJ, to fix my blog better.
3. That I am alive this morning.
4. That I am healthy this morning.
5. That I was amazing for those kids yesterday! Super tops! Yay!
6. That they are so happy.
7. I am still grateful for electricity.
8. And that I have plenty of good healthy food in the house.
9. Tv. I would like to get to the point where I don't need it, but it is helping me now.
10. MA. Her friendship is priceless. She understands me, and I her. We cry together. We laugh together. In fact even wen we start out crying, we end up laughing! She has been such an important part of my life for over 2 decades, and I am so grateful for her.
11. God. God made me. God made the earth and all of us, animals plants and minerals. That is my belief. Whether God is the personalized being or a spirit of life and creation and goodness. I am grateful for God in my life.
11. All the people at OA who helped me, when I used to go. Maybe I should go there again...?
12. Same with Weight Watchers.
13. Weight Watchers online too.
14. Although I *usually* have brewed coffee I haven't been brewing it the last several days. And I'm grateful for Maxwell House instant coffee with Earth Balance chocolate none GMO soymilk.
15. I am grateful for my freedoms, due to my body's health, to walk about the house and turn on lights, and get coffee, . . . Just the little daily things.
16. I am so grateful for this TIME. To transform. I need it.
17. Just started typing "should have" and stopped. I am grateful for not being stuck in the "should haves." I have always done the best I could with what I had.
18. That if I need money after i retire someday in the future, I can probably sub!
19. That I HAVE a home through which to walk, go to the bathroom, eat, sleep, enjoy leisure... I am not homeless. i am not living in a cardboard box when the temperature feels like 1 below this morning. I pray for those who are no as fortunate.
20. That I did mental, emotional, physical exercises with kids yesterday. The whole thing took 15 minutes, and involved multiplication tables, mindful breathing, and a walk through the building.
21. I'm grateful that they loved it so much.
22. And that I know enough to not try to repeat it or do something like too often.
23. And that my school/district supports this kind of thing!
24. That it is double prep day today! I get one every 6 work days. Today's is hampered by a meeting, but that's okay.
25. I am grateful that I have the job I have.
26. And that I have any job at all.
27. That J. and I are being fair financially with each other so far. (May it continue).
28. I am grateful for https://www.facebook.com/capturedbybrooke
29. I'm grateful for heat in my car.
30. And finding a full-serve gas station yesterday.
31. And my car stereo.
32. And its 6-CD changer.
33. And all the help J. gave me finding that car and buying it.
34. I'm grateful for Thich Nhat Hanh's Community of Interbeing
35. For all that i learned during the second half of my injury year, while I was subbing.
36. That I was so great at subbing.
37. That I had an expand folder in my trunk for every grade. As sometimes they made mistake and when I got there I was in a different class than they'd said. And sometimes there were no plans or the plans were not sufficient.
38. That I always did what the teacher had planned.
39. AND gave the kids something from me. A takeaway. Like a fantastic list of great books...
40. That I am reading my favorite book in the world to the kids right now, "Koko's Kitten."
41.That I have come to appreciate working, and my job, so much. I never wanted to work! I am so grateful now that I appreciate it so much.
42. And that it really does add so much to my life.
43. And that I am contributing to the lives of others.
44. That I have learned so much about not being able to change anyone else.
45. That A. helped me to disengage from L.
46. My doctor.
47. Garbage collection.
48. My healthy skin.
50. Serious Skin Care (can get through hsn). I don't use it often, but they don't use animals or test on animals and are GREAT products at really low prices. I don't EVER use nanofied anything, or brightening anything, or vit. a anything, but I love their Reverse Lift line.
51. Department stores
52. That my mother always bought me quality, growing up.
53. Love
54. Kisses
55. EJ
56. JJ
57. Birdie
58. Followers
60. Hope.
61. Onions
62. Vitamins. I need to take them more regularly. I am grateful for them.
63. Emergen-C. I think it helped me this past weekend.
64. Delays on snowy days. Helps us get their safely.
65. Everyone in any politics who IS honest.
66. Homemade healthy grains veggie-no-cheese pizza. I think I'll make some this Fri or Sat.
67. Non GMO foods.
68 .Beautiful photographs of nature
70. The arts
71. Good higher protein lower fat hummus
72. Water. For drink, bathing, washing dishes, washing clothes, and swimming. So lucky to have access to plenty of water. Life-giving, life-enhancing water.
73. My fingers.
74. My eyesight.
75. My drugstore.
76. People who rescue animals.
77. Products that do not use animals
78. Thermometers
79. Medicines when needed.
80. That I have been to two operas in my life.
81. And that one was a dress rehearsal. That was interesting too.
82. That MA is still able to enjoy her life. Even though she has the diagnosis she has.
83. That Jo's daughter is 5 years cancer-free.
84. That I am on time for work every day.
85. That the storm might not be coming after all.
86. Nature. My planet Mother Earth.
87. Bare feet on earth. Soon:)
88. This blog
89. Pink
90. Yellow
91. Protein. And my understanding, finally, of how much of it I need to feel optimal.
92. Singers. I especially love female vocalists. And am grateful for them.
93. That I met Nana Mouskouri.
94. Every time I have been at Lincoln Center.
95. Every time i have been at Carnegie Hall.
96. Every time I have been to Broadway play.
97. Every time I have been to the Museum of Natural History
98. Every time I have been to the Metropolitan Museum of Art.
99. That I have been to Washington DC several times.
100. That I see the glory of Niagara Falls. Twice.
Morning Journal and Feelings Work
I feel like a failure today. Like I'm SOOOO too tired. Like I don't know how to do a relationship. Like I cannot stop eating badly.
But I also feel hopeful. I had a GREAT day yesterday. Gave SO MUCH to the kids! And had fun doing it.
Must just take it easy today. Give a ton to the kids, of course. But not exercise. Not practice piano. It's just one day. Come home and rest.d
And - well there's more.
I'll tell about it later.
But lately I've been doing something that I think is bad for me.
Will share about it soon. Really will.
I Feel:
Downtrodden. Disappointed in my self.Nervous about my future and whether I have one. Yet, oddly okay in a way too. Determined. And know that *in the moment* I am okay!
I Think It Is Because:
I need to change my eating further. And sleep in the bed, not fall asleep on the sofa and not do other things like computer stuff in the bed. Keep the electronics out of the bedroom.
Next Time I'll Do differently:
Well, SOMETHING I've been doing is right. Because almost unexplainaibly, I do feel okay inside.
Spend less; save more.
Do more things in ADVANCE. (Like having salt for snow...)
5 Good Things about Me:
1. I am honest
2. I share the truth about myself
3. i listen well
4. I am empathetic, sympathetic, and compassionate.
5. I am affectionate
But I also feel hopeful. I had a GREAT day yesterday. Gave SO MUCH to the kids! And had fun doing it.
Must just take it easy today. Give a ton to the kids, of course. But not exercise. Not practice piano. It's just one day. Come home and rest.d
And - well there's more.
I'll tell about it later.
But lately I've been doing something that I think is bad for me.
Will share about it soon. Really will.
I Feel:
Downtrodden. Disappointed in my self.Nervous about my future and whether I have one. Yet, oddly okay in a way too. Determined. And know that *in the moment* I am okay!
I Think It Is Because:
I need to change my eating further. And sleep in the bed, not fall asleep on the sofa and not do other things like computer stuff in the bed. Keep the electronics out of the bedroom.
Next Time I'll Do differently:
Well, SOMETHING I've been doing is right. Because almost unexplainaibly, I do feel okay inside.
Spend less; save more.
Do more things in ADVANCE. (Like having salt for snow...)
5 Good Things about Me:
1. I am honest
2. I share the truth about myself
3. i listen well
4. I am empathetic, sympathetic, and compassionate.
5. I am affectionate
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Food, Feelings, Movement and Me
FOOD
So yesterday I did well - until night! Then ate and did NOT need to!
Today I had 2 spelt bread with garlic hummus for B
homemade lentil and veggie soup for L
and 2 Smart dogs in wh wh buns and a big salad of varied dark leafy greens with a little poppyseed dressing for dinner.
Now if I can't get through the night, I have good new herbal tea, and 100-cal. popcorn bag. IF.
FEELINGS
I know I need help. I cannot do this alone. For today - so far - it being 6:22 as I write this sentence, I've eaten fine and and feel well. Not hungry. Maybe even full which is a bit further than it has to be.
I feel frightened that I will not make it through the night, and hopeful and determined that I will.
I ask God for help, right here and right now.
MOVEMENT
I was unable to really exercise today. It was enough going back to work after being ill, and giving my all to the kiddies, and it feeling like 3 degrees out there!
But I took a couple of walks through the building, extra. And I tried to sit much less.
I am hoping to do a little treadmill tomorrow.
So yesterday I did well - until night! Then ate and did NOT need to!
Today I had 2 spelt bread with garlic hummus for B
homemade lentil and veggie soup for L
and 2 Smart dogs in wh wh buns and a big salad of varied dark leafy greens with a little poppyseed dressing for dinner.
Now if I can't get through the night, I have good new herbal tea, and 100-cal. popcorn bag. IF.
FEELINGS
I know I need help. I cannot do this alone. For today - so far - it being 6:22 as I write this sentence, I've eaten fine and and feel well. Not hungry. Maybe even full which is a bit further than it has to be.
I feel frightened that I will not make it through the night, and hopeful and determined that I will.
I ask God for help, right here and right now.
MOVEMENT
I was unable to really exercise today. It was enough going back to work after being ill, and giving my all to the kiddies, and it feeling like 3 degrees out there!
But I took a couple of walks through the building, extra. And I tried to sit much less.
I am hoping to do a little treadmill tomorrow.
Affirmations
There is ample time and opportunity for creative expression in whatever area I choose.
I express my needs and feelings.
I let others take responsibilities for themselves knowing that this assists their own growth and confidence.
Love is powerful and healing.
As I say Yes to life, life says yes to me.
I express my needs and feelings.
I let others take responsibilities for themselves knowing that this assists their own growth and confidence.
Love is powerful and healing.
As I say Yes to life, life says yes to me.
Today's Readings - The Language of Letting Go
Appreciating Our Past
It is easy to be negative about past mistakes and unhappiness. But it is much more healing to look at ourselves and our past in the light of experience, acceptance, and growth. Our past is a series of lessons that advance us to higher levels of living and loving.
The relationships we entered, stayed in, or ended taught us necessary lessons. Some of us have emerged from the most painful circumstances with strong insights about who we are and what we want.
Our mistakes? Necessary. Our frustrations, failures, and sometimes-stumbling attempts at growth and progress? Necessary too.
Each step of the way, we learned. We went through exactly the experiences we need to, to become who we are today. Each step of the way, we progressed.
Is our past a mistake? No. The only mistake we can make is mistaking that for the truth.
Today, God help me let go of negative thoughts I may be harboring about my past circumstances or relationships. I can accept, with gratitude, all that has brought me to today.
It is easy to be negative about past mistakes and unhappiness. But it is much more healing to look at ourselves and our past in the light of experience, acceptance, and growth. Our past is a series of lessons that advance us to higher levels of living and loving.
The relationships we entered, stayed in, or ended taught us necessary lessons. Some of us have emerged from the most painful circumstances with strong insights about who we are and what we want.
Our mistakes? Necessary. Our frustrations, failures, and sometimes-stumbling attempts at growth and progress? Necessary too.
Each step of the way, we learned. We went through exactly the experiences we need to, to become who we are today. Each step of the way, we progressed.
Is our past a mistake? No. The only mistake we can make is mistaking that for the truth.
Today, God help me let go of negative thoughts I may be harboring about my past circumstances or relationships. I can accept, with gratitude, all that has brought me to today.
Today's Reading - Food for Thought
There Is No Such Thing as "Have to"
The serenity and insight, which we gain form this program, help us realize that we do not have to do anything. There is always a choice. We may even choose not to live.
Our lives are gifts from our Higher Power, and the choice of what to do with them is ours. We an continue to overeat and watch our illness get progressively worse. We can isolate ourselves from other people and console ourselves with food. We can do as little as possible each day just in order to survive.
We do not have to follow the program; we also do not have to overeat. We do not have to turn our lives over to God; we also do not have to continue to bear the burden of self and self-will. It is a proven fact of experience for countless people that the most satisfying thing to do with the life given to each of us is to give it back to our Higher Power to use as He wills.
Thank You for my freedom, Lord.
The serenity and insight, which we gain form this program, help us realize that we do not have to do anything. There is always a choice. We may even choose not to live.
Our lives are gifts from our Higher Power, and the choice of what to do with them is ours. We an continue to overeat and watch our illness get progressively worse. We can isolate ourselves from other people and console ourselves with food. We can do as little as possible each day just in order to survive.
We do not have to follow the program; we also do not have to overeat. We do not have to turn our lives over to God; we also do not have to continue to bear the burden of self and self-will. It is a proven fact of experience for countless people that the most satisfying thing to do with the life given to each of us is to give it back to our Higher Power to use as He wills.
Thank You for my freedom, Lord.
Today's Reading - Each Day a New Beginning
"One cannot have wisdom without living life." Dorothy McCall
Living life means responding, wholly, to our joys and our pitfalls. it means not avoiding the experiences or activities that we fear we can't handle. Only through our survival f them do we come to know who we really are; we come to understand the strength available to us at every moment. and that is wisdom.
When we approach life tentatively, we reap only a portion of its gifts. It's like watching a movie in black and white that's supposed to be in Technicolor. Our lives are in color, but we must have courage to let the colors emerge, to feel them, absorb them, be changed by them. Within our depths, we find our true selves. The complexities of life teach us wisdom. And becoming wise eases the many pitfalls in our path.
living life is much more than just being alive. i can choose to jup in with both feet. Wisdom awaits me in the depths.
Living life means responding, wholly, to our joys and our pitfalls. it means not avoiding the experiences or activities that we fear we can't handle. Only through our survival f them do we come to know who we really are; we come to understand the strength available to us at every moment. and that is wisdom.
When we approach life tentatively, we reap only a portion of its gifts. It's like watching a movie in black and white that's supposed to be in Technicolor. Our lives are in color, but we must have courage to let the colors emerge, to feel them, absorb them, be changed by them. Within our depths, we find our true selves. The complexities of life teach us wisdom. And becoming wise eases the many pitfalls in our path.
living life is much more than just being alive. i can choose to jup in with both feet. Wisdom awaits me in the depths.
Feelings Work
I Feel:
Well.
Physically so much better.
And like I'm good enough. What I do is good enough. I am who I am and I do my best.
Still a bit nervous. About Life, money, house, J., how I'm going to do all the things I have to do,, And men.
But a million times better! And so grateful for that.
I Think It Is Because:
New and improved blog.
Did little exercise
Did little meditation
Did little prayer
Ate healthily so far today.
Drank some nice green tea
Devoted myself this morning to the kids.
Showered and dressed pretty well.
Slept. Granted, on sofa, which is not good, but slept.
Am determined.
Next Time I'll Do Differently:
STOP when I can FEEL that I should be sliding physically and/or emotionally. like recently this time, when I KNEW I was letting some "little" things go, and stupidly believed that I was getting away with it, and COULD get away with it. No! *I* MUST keep up with certain things EVERY day!
5 Good Things about Me:
1. THAT I am determined!
2. That I am more cheerful than I used to be.
3. I can read
4. I am trustworthy.
5. I am funny.
Well.
Physically so much better.
And like I'm good enough. What I do is good enough. I am who I am and I do my best.
Still a bit nervous. About Life, money, house, J., how I'm going to do all the things I have to do,, And men.
But a million times better! And so grateful for that.
I Think It Is Because:
New and improved blog.
Did little exercise
Did little meditation
Did little prayer
Ate healthily so far today.
Drank some nice green tea
Devoted myself this morning to the kids.
Showered and dressed pretty well.
Slept. Granted, on sofa, which is not good, but slept.
Am determined.
Next Time I'll Do Differently:
STOP when I can FEEL that I should be sliding physically and/or emotionally. like recently this time, when I KNEW I was letting some "little" things go, and stupidly believed that I was getting away with it, and COULD get away with it. No! *I* MUST keep up with certain things EVERY day!
5 Good Things about Me:
1. THAT I am determined!
2. That I am more cheerful than I used to be.
3. I can read
4. I am trustworthy.
5. I am funny.
My 100 Gratitudes Today
I am grateful:
1. The privacy of my blog. I mean, I WANT it open to the world, but not to my friends. I want this space for me and others. And to be totally 100% free. Although there is really nothing here that my friends don't know! Weird. Grateful anyway.
2. I am grateful that I work indoors today. (as always).
3. I am grateful for weather forecasters.
4. And people who stand behind their beliefs.
5. For books
6. And magazines
7. For good doctors
8. And nurses
9. And scientists
10. And hospitals
11. I am grateful for the more cheeriness that is coming inside me.
12. And that butterflies come from cocoons.
13. And that I am okay.
14. I am grateful for salad
15. And that I have never been really harmed in a hurricane.
16. Or any natural disaster
17. And that J. takes such good care of doggie
18. For L's friendship. For now...
19. For email
20. That I did sleep last night
21. That I. am. a teacher. Teacher. Good.
22. For music
23. Gas in my car.
24. Heat in my house. Needs to be redone, but *I* am not freezing (plants may be but I am not)
25. Tables
26. Rugs
27. Laughter. Every single time I have laughed.
28. Facebook.
29. Inspirational posts
30. The fb page Amazing Colorful World
31. The fb page PicTureS and MirrOrS
32. The fb page Amazing Earth
33. The fb page Best Inspirational, Motivational and Romantic Thoughts
34. Interesting message from former bf, catching me up on his life. Trials, struggles, and how he's come through . To be better than ever perhaps.
35. Inclusiveness. I don't like this or any president, repub or democr. But I liked the inclusiveness of his speech.
36. People who are not bigoted
37. Every time anyone has extended friendship to me.
38. Garlic hummus
39. Anyone whom The Biggest Loser inspires.
40. Compassion. All compassion.
41. Kairava, my Reiki Master.
42. Mindfulness
43. Prayer
44. Exercise!
45. JJ and EJ emailing me yesterday! And JJ commenting too! Thank you!
46. I am grateful that there are vegan cookbooks.
And for my amazing recipe for spanikopita, which I got from 365 Simply Delicious Dairy Free Recipes, but just changed oil to Earth Balance. Wow. It's amazing.
47. That I have fresh, healthy, homemade lentil soup in the freezer right now.
48. And that I will bring it for lunch today.
49. That I have a microwave in my classroom.
50. And the idea a colleague gave me: just leave it unplugged all the time, except the two minutes or so you use it every now and then. That's not wasteful. Good.
51. Grateful that I have a fridge in classroom too.
52. That wine and other alcoholic beverages do not call to me.
53. And that drugs do not call to me.
54. That I am DOING my grats!
55. That my mother is having such good healthy days
56. And sounds so much better.
57. Grateful for my feet. They work perfectly, have no pain, and are even pretty. Lucky me: )
58. Grateful for how quickly I type, and that I enjoy it so much.
59. That I have indoor plumbing.
60. That it doesn't take that much materially to make me happy.
61. My friend St.
62. And MA of course.
63. And M's friendship too.
65. ML
66. A. I THINK it is okay for now...
67. That I keep confidences
68. Grass
69. Tress
70. Flowers
71. Houseplants
72. My Christmas cactus cuttings, still blooming in the water!
73. Pits and seeds, and that you can grow houseplants just from those!
74. Frugal things. Frugal people and their ideas.
75. My den lamp
76. That I have never been shot.
77. That I have never COMMITTED a violent crime.
78. Smiles
79. I am grateful that I am not homeless.
80. And for learning about the Law of Attraction. Still have a long way to go in implementing it (as per grat. 79, which was not worded correctly according to law of Attraction..: )
81. Grateful for people who KNOW me and like me anyway! And even appreciate me.
82. Texting. Never thought I'd say it...
83. Love. All love.
84. Kindness All kindness.
85. Children. And that I get to work with them.
86. People who spread cheer.
87. Je, at work.
88. Our new nurse. She's lovely. (And good at her job, of course).
89. That I do manage - somehow - to pay the bills... It's still torturous, feels that way anyway. But i get the minimum done... : ) Grateful for that.
90. That I have an immune system.
91. That I have a salary.
92. That J. called yesterday.
93. The love of every dog with whom I have shared love. From my earliest memories right through now.
94. The beauty of giraffes.
95. My alarm clock.
96. Running water. Really, yes.
97. Berries. And frozen berries.
98. That I have a desk at work.
99. The artist who comes in and works with the kids. So well.
100. Bookcases.
1. The privacy of my blog. I mean, I WANT it open to the world, but not to my friends. I want this space for me and others. And to be totally 100% free. Although there is really nothing here that my friends don't know! Weird. Grateful anyway.
2. I am grateful that I work indoors today. (as always).
3. I am grateful for weather forecasters.
4. And people who stand behind their beliefs.
5. For books
6. And magazines
7. For good doctors
8. And nurses
9. And scientists
10. And hospitals
11. I am grateful for the more cheeriness that is coming inside me.
12. And that butterflies come from cocoons.
13. And that I am okay.
14. I am grateful for salad
15. And that I have never been really harmed in a hurricane.
16. Or any natural disaster
17. And that J. takes such good care of doggie
18. For L's friendship. For now...
19. For email
20. That I did sleep last night
21. That I. am. a teacher. Teacher. Good.
22. For music
23. Gas in my car.
24. Heat in my house. Needs to be redone, but *I* am not freezing (plants may be but I am not)
25. Tables
26. Rugs
27. Laughter. Every single time I have laughed.
28. Facebook.
29. Inspirational posts
30. The fb page Amazing Colorful World
31. The fb page PicTureS and MirrOrS
32. The fb page Amazing Earth
33. The fb page Best Inspirational, Motivational and Romantic Thoughts
34. Interesting message from former bf, catching me up on his life. Trials, struggles, and how he's come through . To be better than ever perhaps.
35. Inclusiveness. I don't like this or any president, repub or democr. But I liked the inclusiveness of his speech.
36. People who are not bigoted
37. Every time anyone has extended friendship to me.
38. Garlic hummus
39. Anyone whom The Biggest Loser inspires.
40. Compassion. All compassion.
41. Kairava, my Reiki Master.
42. Mindfulness
43. Prayer
44. Exercise!
45. JJ and EJ emailing me yesterday! And JJ commenting too! Thank you!
46. I am grateful that there are vegan cookbooks.
And for my amazing recipe for spanikopita, which I got from 365 Simply Delicious Dairy Free Recipes, but just changed oil to Earth Balance. Wow. It's amazing.
47. That I have fresh, healthy, homemade lentil soup in the freezer right now.
48. And that I will bring it for lunch today.
49. That I have a microwave in my classroom.
50. And the idea a colleague gave me: just leave it unplugged all the time, except the two minutes or so you use it every now and then. That's not wasteful. Good.
51. Grateful that I have a fridge in classroom too.
52. That wine and other alcoholic beverages do not call to me.
53. And that drugs do not call to me.
54. That I am DOING my grats!
55. That my mother is having such good healthy days
56. And sounds so much better.
57. Grateful for my feet. They work perfectly, have no pain, and are even pretty. Lucky me: )
58. Grateful for how quickly I type, and that I enjoy it so much.
59. That I have indoor plumbing.
60. That it doesn't take that much materially to make me happy.
61. My friend St.
62. And MA of course.
63. And M's friendship too.
65. ML
66. A. I THINK it is okay for now...
67. That I keep confidences
68. Grass
69. Tress
70. Flowers
71. Houseplants
72. My Christmas cactus cuttings, still blooming in the water!
73. Pits and seeds, and that you can grow houseplants just from those!
74. Frugal things. Frugal people and their ideas.
75. My den lamp
76. That I have never been shot.
77. That I have never COMMITTED a violent crime.
78. Smiles
79. I am grateful that I am not homeless.
80. And for learning about the Law of Attraction. Still have a long way to go in implementing it (as per grat. 79, which was not worded correctly according to law of Attraction..: )
81. Grateful for people who KNOW me and like me anyway! And even appreciate me.
82. Texting. Never thought I'd say it...
83. Love. All love.
84. Kindness All kindness.
85. Children. And that I get to work with them.
86. People who spread cheer.
87. Je, at work.
88. Our new nurse. She's lovely. (And good at her job, of course).
89. That I do manage - somehow - to pay the bills... It's still torturous, feels that way anyway. But i get the minimum done... : ) Grateful for that.
90. That I have an immune system.
91. That I have a salary.
92. That J. called yesterday.
93. The love of every dog with whom I have shared love. From my earliest memories right through now.
94. The beauty of giraffes.
95. My alarm clock.
96. Running water. Really, yes.
97. Berries. And frozen berries.
98. That I have a desk at work.
99. The artist who comes in and works with the kids. So well.
100. Bookcases.
Dear God
Good Morning, Dear God.
May I meet all the challenges and joys today, in Your name. May I:
Give to the children and earn my salary.
Read a little something worthwhile.
Take it easy.
Clean one thing up.
Enjoy my breathing.
And not obsess about any man. Or anything. For this one day.
Thank you for this day.
And thank you that I'm feeling happier today.
And thank you for my revamped blog.
Amen.
May I meet all the challenges and joys today, in Your name. May I:
Give to the children and earn my salary.
Read a little something worthwhile.
Take it easy.
Clean one thing up.
Enjoy my breathing.
And not obsess about any man. Or anything. For this one day.
Thank you for this day.
And thank you that I'm feeling happier today.
And thank you for my revamped blog.
Amen.
Morning Journal 1/22
I ate too much after all!
And slept on couch.
Kinda down, lonely...
But today is a new day.
And I VOW to:
Pray
Meditate even if only for 2 minutes!
Exercise even if only for 5 minutes!
Eat greens.
Not overeat.
Enjoy something! If can find nothing else (hard to believe), will read for 20 minutes and enjoy that!).
NOT overdue. Still getting better from being sick.
"Giving up is the one thing that guarantees failure." Diane Carbonell (If you struggle with weight, google her. Her article was on msn.com this am)
A butterfly DOES come from a cocoon after all, right? :)
And slept on couch.
Kinda down, lonely...
But today is a new day.
And I VOW to:
Pray
Meditate even if only for 2 minutes!
Exercise even if only for 5 minutes!
Eat greens.
Not overeat.
Enjoy something! If can find nothing else (hard to believe), will read for 20 minutes and enjoy that!).
NOT overdue. Still getting better from being sick.
"Giving up is the one thing that guarantees failure." Diane Carbonell (If you struggle with weight, google her. Her article was on msn.com this am)
A butterfly DOES come from a cocoon after all, right? :)
Monday, January 21, 2013
Evening Reflection
So I have not overeaten today.
And I have not totally obsessed over any man.
I have taken it easy so as to continue getting over this bug. And not judged myself for not "accomplishing."
I've made sure I prayed and ate my greens and drank liquids. Did my spiritual work. Tried to be kind and fair to all.
It has been therefore, a good day. Yes?
Yes.
Early to bed to get all well from this bug thing.
And I have not totally obsessed over any man.
I have taken it easy so as to continue getting over this bug. And not judged myself for not "accomplishing."
I've made sure I prayed and ate my greens and drank liquids. Did my spiritual work. Tried to be kind and fair to all.
It has been therefore, a good day. Yes?
Yes.
Early to bed to get all well from this bug thing.
Affirmations
Each year is special and precious and filled with wonders of its own. I am always the perfect age embracing new and wonderful things and experiences.
I prosper wherever I turn and I know that I deserve prosperity of all kinds.
I now draw uplifting people into my life.
My good comes from everywhere and everyone.
I am at Peace
Divine peace and harmony surround me and dwell in me. I feel tolerance, compassion and love for all people, myself included.
I prosper wherever I turn and I know that I deserve prosperity of all kinds.
I now draw uplifting people into my life.
My good comes from everywhere and everyone.
I am at Peace
Divine peace and harmony surround me and dwell in me. I feel tolerance, compassion and love for all people, myself included.
Feelings Work
I Feel:
hopeful
physically well though a touch dizzy
determined
positive
a little scared about ability to do it all
very very grateful. To John, God, etc.
I Think It Is Because:
physically coming out of this bug
ate fresh healthy greens and protein and whole grains
took vitamins day 3 in a row
let friends help me on phone, like emotionally and even in IMing
Next time I'll do differently:
stay on top more EVERY day
5 Good Things about Me:
1. I am nice to people
2. I am sincere
3. I am more positive than I used to be
4. I am able to do some things. Like teach and keep secrets and cook
5. I don't give up. Never have yet:)
hopeful
physically well though a touch dizzy
determined
positive
a little scared about ability to do it all
very very grateful. To John, God, etc.
I Think It Is Because:
physically coming out of this bug
ate fresh healthy greens and protein and whole grains
took vitamins day 3 in a row
let friends help me on phone, like emotionally and even in IMing
Next time I'll do differently:
stay on top more EVERY day
5 Good Things about Me:
1. I am nice to people
2. I am sincere
3. I am more positive than I used to be
4. I am able to do some things. Like teach and keep secrets and cook
5. I don't give up. Never have yet:)
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