Grats

I am grateful:

1. I had a nice warm shower and am clean
2. I put some makeup on
3. And clean clothes
4. M made coffee and oatmeal for me
5. The example M is for me. May I have the opportunity to live it with J in the future
6. I believe I will get through this day somehow. I will.
7. Toothbrush
8. Toothpaste
9. Deodorant
10. Poop. Can’t wait til can : )
11. So tired. But somehow I’ll be nice to the kiddies on Halloween (as every day)
12. That I’ve eating more nutritiously lately.
13. I inviting me to stay as long as I need to
14. Je can read
15. Ji can read fluently
16. A car
17. My sponsors, OA and CoDA
18. M having rice milk here
19. And whole grain and bean dinner for me last night
20. And keeping stuff here for me
21. And packing an apple and water bottle for me with my lunch that I brought here
22. OA literature
23. CoDA literature
24. AA literature, that started it all
25. The St. Jude Novena
26. Ma, the little dog here
27. That I found the car scraper thing



I will have to do more later

Affirmations Today

I am a child of God.
God loves me.
God is taking care of me.
The universe is fulfilling all my needs and wants.
I love myself unconditionally and accept myself as I am.
I always attract the best.
I am cool, calm and collected.
Every breath I inhale calms me and every breath I exhale takes away tension.
Every cell in my body is relaxed and oozes calmness.
I love myself deeply and unconditionally.
As the wonderful, soothing energy of the Universe enters my body, I accept myself completely and deeply, without any reservations.
I am fine.
All is well.

CoDA Work This Morning

Thank you God, for the day.

I woke up and showered and talked with M and had breakfast and coffee and I feel:
scared
lonely
cared for
anxious about driving on the ice
worried about tonight
very tired - didn't sleep much at all
depressed and despairing over J
AND
blessed and cared for and closer to God

I think it is because:
this reminds me of that awful night a year ago May when I was here
but at least I have a friend who invited me here
and my followers icons are back
and I can get online
but I have to go to the bathroom and can't

I acted out codependently:
I don't think I did, so much yesterday. Just thoughts and feelings and dreams.

I think I'll do differently next time:
De-clutter/straighten my house so that that's not hanging over my head too

Journal Today

I don't know what to say.
I just know that I should be journaling - something.

It's the middle of the night and I'm warm and dry and at the house of a loving friend. But I'm miserable. Can't sleep. Stomach gnawing. Afraid.

What have I done? What have I done to my life? What did my childhood damage make of me?
How can I make it better?

I will continue on. That's all.

Oh No! No Followers?!

It says, "No members yet." And they are not there.
I hope I am not alone in cyber-space and it is just a glitch.


Oh - they're back showing there.
Thank you, God.

CoDA Work Tonight

I have not been able to get on computer all day.
So at this time I'll say, compared to this morning, when I was:
depressed, despondent, lonely, afraid, overwhelmed, freezing cold, hopeless,
I am now:
sad but hopeful
getting by
less terrified
a bit numb
not quite so alone

I think that is because:
I left the freezing, out-of-power, dark, lonely little house and spent time with a friend
And now I am at another friends house, where I can sleep and shower

And I'm not 100% sure about the J stuff
And I have been able a number of times in desperation and tears today, to turn to God

I acted out co-dependently:
when I *almost* called J to say can't we stay at a hotel together for these few days, just as friends

I will do differently next time:
Well, same really. Keep from doing that, and rely on my Higher Power and myself. And even friends. And program.
God help me.

5 good things about me and celebrate them:
1. I can read
2. I am still good to the students
3. And their parents
4. I can find things to be grateful for.
5. I am still told, a lot, that I am funny.
Good for me!

Affirmations

I love myself and I accept myself as I am.
I am beautiful, healthy, prosperous and happy.
I am well respected and appreciated and deservedly so.
I am naturally feminine, graceful and beautiful.
I am a loving person. I give out love and I receive love unconditionaly.
I am a child of God.
I am good enough.
I have enough.
I am enough.
All is well.
My future is secure.
I have abundant love.

Gratitudes Today

I am grateful:

1. Power as long as I had it yesterday
2. As it did go out later yesterday, I’m grateful for nice time with a friend at her powered home today.
3. And the friend at whose house I now sit, even though they’re out, and where I will get to sleep and shower. So much better than home alone freezing and cramping up and dark and depressed and so lonely.
4. I am grateful that my mom has power and is warm and safe and dry.
5. And that J seems to be making the best of his powerless place.
6. And that he has the doggie. Even though I miss her so much, I’m so grateful to know she’s ok where she is, and I didn’t have to worry about her too. So, good for all.
7. I’m grateful for the growth I’ve begun to experience.
8. I am grateful for Oct 28th’s For Today: “You can be healed (of depression) if every day you begin the first thing in the morning to consider how you can bring a real joy to someone else. If you can stick to this for two weeks you will no longer need therapy.” Alfred Adler. Wow.
9. And it goes on to say: “It’s simple: every time I get my mind off myself, I feel better. Each day, I select a member of my family, a friend, a colleague or an OA member and think about what I can do for that person.
10. “I spend some of my free time planning what I will do; then, at the first opportunity, I carry out the project. It need not be a major undertaking: a phone call, a letter, a small surprise, an offer to babysit or take and elderly person for a drive.
11. “There are so many things to do, one lifetime is not enough.
12. “For today: It isn’t necessary to be depressed to adopt the practice of making others happy.
13. Oct. 29th’s For Today: “Inside myself is a place where I live all alone, and that’s where you renew your springs that never dry up.” Pearl S. Buck
14. And it says, and I see this as a promise: “Discovering one’s own inner resources is a reward of abstinence.
15. “New found energies and a soaring spirit take up the time and space of what was once compulsive overeating.
16. “Abstinence brings other substitutions: I have courage in place of fear,
17. “challenging ideas in place of shallow thought,
18. “action instead of wishful thinking
19. “and an honest desire to share in place of selfish interests.
20. I see this as a promise too: “The longer I am abstinent, the more experience I acquire in the art of living and the more I am able to give myself and others.
21. “For today: Part of my new way of life is looking within for inspiration.”
22. Oct. 21’s Voices of Recovery: “A deep inner courage resides within each of us.
23. “The disease has told us for so long that we don’t have enough courage, but that is another is its lies.
24. “Tapping into that courage requires only the tiniest bit of willingness to change – to take a chance that the literature and people with long-term abstinence are telling the truth and that we deserve recovery.
25. “It never has to hurt like this again.”
26. Oct 22: “Nothing that happened yesterday or that may happen tomorrow is more important that NOW.”
27. “My compulsive nature wants to keep my mind occupied with events over which I have no control.
28. “I wish for some future dream and forget to work on my current defect.
29. “I want to blame the past for how I behave today.
30. “This type of thinking only causes me pain and ruins my pleasure of the present moment.
31. “Gratefully, I now recognize this as a part of my disease, so I can turn to my Higher Power and accept events as they are, not as I might want them to be.”
32. So much I’m reading and grateful for right now. Oct 23: “…we focused on others’ faults and thought for hours about what they should do to solve their problems, while our own problems went unsolved.” OA 12 & 12 p. 12
33. “I’ve done that for hours. I’ve done it for days when someone made me angry. I’ve done it for years when I thought about how I was brought up.
34. “When people share the mess instead of the message, at meetings or elsewhere, I realize that I am not alone in getting things backward.” I am grateful to not be all alone in this. And that there is an answer others have found.
35. “I’m grateful that something (Could it by my Higher Power?) has been waking me out of these long reveries with the question, ‘And am I doing what I would suggest to them?’ It’s promising when I realize how my advice would apply to myself.
36. “It’s progress when I put my advice into practice. May I tell myself early and often to mind my own business. May I take notice and act accordingly when my Higher Power gently makes a suggestion.”
37. Oct 24: “Rather, we came to understand that the basis for stopping our compulsive eating behaviors – and staying stopped – is personal inner change.” A Plan of Eating p. 1
38. “Change is the key word for me in the above quote. I went into the program looking for another diet club. I kept coming back because I couldn’t understand how Overeaters Anonymous worked.” I still don’t, but I know the only two times in my life I’ve had success with eating, I was/am in OA.
39. And then it says: “I kept looking and listening for the solution, and finally I found it. I would have to change the way I was eating, behaving, and thinking.
40. “The changes would happen inside myself, so the outside could change.
41. “the directions for how to change were in the Twelve Steps.
42. “Somehow, I knew that if I followed the Steps, I would achieve physical, emotional, and spiritual health.
43. “I am grateful to a program of recovery that has allowed me to understand that recovery from compulsive eating is possible if I choose to change.”
44. Oct 25 “I didn’t want the other fellows to start noticing what I ate.” To the Man Who Wants to Stop Compulsive overeating, Welcome, p. 3
45. …”When we talk about using the telephone as a tool, we observe that isolation is common among us. Being secretive about eating is a symptom of our disease. What that mas was sharing identified a symptom of our disease.
46. “As I further notice the quality of my behavior, I have more desire to change.
47. “Good things have happened when I’ve listened to others sharing in order to recognize my own symptoms.
48. “I need to notice the quality of my listening. It is a measure of my spiritual condition.
49. Oct 27 “Since entering program, it has taken years to allow more and more of the truths of the program to permeate my defensive armor. I have had to set aside many preconceived notions, much book learning, and rationalization along the way.
50. “I now have a truly three-dimensional life as compared to the flat plane of existence I once endured without knowing any better (as bright as I was).
“I thank God for striking me dumb.”
51. Oct 30: “Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.” Step Six
52. In This Moment. Oct 30. “In This Moment, I embrace change.” Gulp. But grateful still.
53. “Change is often uncomfortable and scary. Some days I’d rather stay in bed and hide under the covers than deal with the changes I know I need to make.” Yes!
54. “Often, change can be good – just unfamiliar.
55. “It helps to remember that if I make a change and don’t like it, I can try something else.
56. “Sometimes, when I run from change, life situations occur that require change, whether I’m ready or not.
57. “When I embrace change and move into the new flow, my life improves in ways that I couldn’t have imagined.” Worth repeating. It says: “When I embrace change and move into the new flow, my life improves in ways that I couldn’t have imagined.” Wow. Wow.
58. “I trust that through my Higher Power, the changes I face will bring lessons that encourage me to grow and experience life more fully.”
59. Language of Letting Go Oct 30: “We have a real life of our own. Yes, we do.
60. “That empty feeling, that sense that everyone except us has a life – an important life, a valuable life, a better life – is a remnant from the past.
61. “It is also a self-defeating belief that is inaccurate.
62. “We are real.
63. “So is our life.
64. “Jump into it,
65. “and we’ll see.
66. “today, I will live my life and treasure it as mine.”


more later?

Gratitudes Today

I am grateful:

1. Waking up
2. Having some stuff to do this weekend
3. That I did laundry last night.
4. That I had the energy to do it.
5. That I’m able to type and do some morning work
6. That I did CoDA work yesterday and so far even more thoroughly today
7. MA
8. Some heat came on, yay.
9. From a professional e-mail this morning: When you are not aware of your Inner Child, you try to live in an adult world like a 4-year old boy or girl. You feel all alone, afraid of the big nasty world there outside, not knowing what to do, where to ask for help, how to protect you. This is a very difficult way of doing. You will always feel afraid, fearful, doubtful, tired. It is hard to try to survive as a child in a grown up world. You will feel angry and afraid most of the time, and lost.
10. Why is that? Because nobody takes care of that Little Child inside you. Let’s say your name is Charlotte. You are 42 years old. Inside you lives the little Charlotte. She’s four.

When you are busy in the outside world taking care of other people, of business, of getting around, of doing a thousand things every day, the little Charlotte will feel overlooked.

When you’re always running to help others, to make sure their needs are fulfilled, you will be exhausted every night and cry in your bed. Sometimes you will get temper tantrums. You will feel very angry without any reason (but still there is one, a big one!).

All these big emotions are attempts from your Inner Child to get your attention.
11. . . . When, after getting depressed things still don’t change, there’s one weapon left to catch your attention : little Charlotte will get sick. Or she will get an accident. Maybe that way the adult Charlotte will learn to give finally attention to her Inner Child, which is as real (if not more) as a real child of flesh and blood.
12. You need to learn how to be a loving parent for yourself.

What does that mean?

First you need to develop an Inner Mother. If you were lucky and had a loving caring mother, you can take her as an example. Otherwise you need to invent, to create this Inner Mother, which is your feminine caring energy.

Everytime you have an emotion, your Inner Mother should ask your Inner Child : “What happens, my darling?” Listen to what your Inner Child has to say. Than you go on with the dialogue. Inner Mother says : “Come here. Come in my arms, I love you as you are. I love you with what you feel.”
Doing that, the heaviness of the emotions will drop pretty much. Than you say these words : “I understand”.

These words are very important, because most of the time we don’t feel very “normal” having the feelings we have and we try to ignore or suppress them, which makes them heavier. “I understand, my darling, come here in your Mothers arms, I love you.”

Stay with these words and feelings for a while, and than ask :”What do you need?”
13. Your Inner Father is that part of you which is able to handle stress, to take action, to arrange conflicts and all other stuff that has to do with the outside world. If that part is missing because you didn’ have a good model when you were little yourself, you will have to create and develop it.
14. Of course your Inner Child, Mother and Father are all parts of you. It is all you. It is just a model to understand what is happening inside you and how you can learn to love yourself.

Loving yourself is listening to your Inner Child, taking his emotions seriously, understanding what he feels and taking action in the desired direction. Loving yourself is having this dialogue with yourself every morning when you open your eyes, every evening when you go to bed, and every time you have an emotion.

Loving yourself is building a strong inner connection with yourself.

It is creating your own loving family, inside you. You will never feel alone anymore. You are already three! Call it your Trinity. Wherever you go, from now on you go with your Inner Family. Your are not alone. You are loved and you are protected. You listen to yourself and take care of that precious little Child that has been waiting for so long to get your attention and love.
15. Today’s For Today: “What my experience as a compulsive overeater teaches me ispriceless when I use it as this program directs.”
16. This is totally me. Voices of Recovery today: “Most of us find that fear is at the root of many of our damaging emotions and actions.” OA 12 & 12 p. 49
17. And “I learned that fear hinders me - maes me pull back, keep silent, ‘not do’ in the first place, feel left out with my friends, avoid responsibilities, and miss the moment and all it has to offer.” Yes. Totally me.
18. “I have learned that once I become conscious of fear’s presence, I can choose to dispel it by breathing out faith.”
19. So, “Breathe in fear, breathe out faith?”
20. “Faith is the antidote to fear.
21. “Faith that my Higher Power is here with me,
22. “always has my best interests at heart,
23. “and will encourage and guide me to all truth, if I ask.
24. “With faith I experience this present moment and taste how good it is.” Wow.
25. Today’s Language of Letting Go: “A magical potion is available to us today. That potion is called acceptance.
26. “We are asked to accept many things: ourselves, as we are; our feelings, needs, desires, choices, and current status of being. Other people, as they are. The status of our relationships with them. Problems. Blessings. Financial status. Where we live. Our work, our tasks, our level of performance at these tasks.
27. “Resistance will not move us forward, nor will it eliminate the undesirable.
28. “But even our resistance may need to be accepted. Even resistance yields to and is changed by acceptance.
29. “Acceptance is the magic that makes change possible. It is not forever; it is for the present moment.
30. “Acceptance is the magic that makes our present circumstances good. It brings peace and contentment and opens the door to growth, change, and moving forward.
31. “It shines the light of positive energy on all that we have and are. Within the framework of acceptance, we figure out what we need to do to take care of ourselves.
32. “Acceptance empowers the positive and tells God we have surrendered to the Plan. We have mastered today’s lesson, and are ready to move on.
33. “Today I will accept. I will relinquish my need to be in resistance to myself and my environment. I will surrender. I will cultivate contentment and gratitude. I will move forward in joy by accepting where I am today.”
34. I never saw this coming: MA grew up on a farm, and I am a vegan. Very different attitudes toward animals and toward food. Such change has occurred, that she is now asking me for recipes.
35. And that means other things can change too.
36. That I just sent MA those five great soup recipes she asked for
37. That I’m about to take a shower

More later?

Today's Affirmations

My mind and body are in complete alignment with the Universe and I am always in the flow.
I am responsible for my own spiritual growth.
I trust that everything in my life is working for my highest good and I am receiving all that I am meant to have.
When I love people more, I receive even more love from them in return.
I am a divine expression of a loving God.
I let go of fear. I let go of pain. I live in love.

My mind and body are in complete alignment with the Universe and I am always in the flow.
I am responsible for my own spiritual growth.
I trust that everything in my life is working for my highest good and I am receiving all that I am meant to have.
When I love people more, I receive even more love from them in return.
I am a divine expression of a loving God.
I let go of fear. I let go of pain. I live in love.

Today's CoDA Work

Disclaimer: CoDA is a 12 step program, and like all 12 step programs, is rooted in the steps. This work is work my sponsor who is my friend has found helpful to her. It is not in the official approved CoDA literature. I also use approved literature and am working the steps, of course.

I woke up and, whether I felt like it or not, thanked God.
Then I made coffee.
Now:
I woke up and I feel:
Upset, sad, regretful, rejected, blue, anxious, distur bed, sowncast, low, encumbered, overlooked, bypassed, bloated, heavy
AND
Defeated
And
Grateful, blessed, sacred, supported, optimistic, recharged, alive, inspired, divine, hopeful
*These words come from "What Am I Feeling, and What Does It Mean? A Kit for Self-Growth and Healthy Relationships" box by Eve A. Wood, M.D. And I add some sometimes because I'm feeling something I don't see there, like tired, or hopeful.

I think it is because:
I sleep too long on the couch before going to bed last night
I ate too many carbs at dinner and snack
The bedroom's such a mess.

I acted out co-dependently:
Eating too many carbs and too much volume

I think I'll do differently next time:
Stick to an eating plan with fewer carbs

Affirmations

I am with God and God is with me always.
The Divine Spirit is omnipresent all around me and guides me at every step.
Everything that is happening is only for the highest good of me.
The Universe naturally and freely provided for all my needs.

Must Do Gratitudes

I am grateful:

1. New almost-vegan place that has opened up.
2. Happy students – in no small part due to me
3. The health I have
4. Hot bergamot tea
5. In a way, grateful that the place isn’t fully vegan, as it’s so expensive, and I won’t be spending all my money there now lol
6. Gonna see MA later
7. M loves me
8. Working out some technology glitches
9. The Thoreau, phrase: Most men live lives of quiet desperation. NOT because misery wants company – but because maybe we don’t have to. Maybe it’s like the Buddhist thing about doing it to ourselves.
10. The First Noble Truth (and these are all worded badly here, by me): There is suffering, in existence.
11. The Second Noble Truth: We cause our own suffering.
12. The Third Noble Truth: There is a way out.
13. The Fourth Noble Truth: Here is the way out – the 8-fold path
14. The first in the 8-fold path, under Wisdom: Right view
15. That it means (again, my admittedly flawed wording) facing what is, in life, nature, and the world. And that actions have results – reactions. Wholesome and unwholesome. And that craving causes suffering and cessation of craving ends it.
16. The second in the 8-fold path, under Wisdom: Right intention
17. And that it means constantly aspiring to rid self of qualities self knows to be wrong and immoral. And non-violence and harmlessness. And a greater commitment to the spiritual path, not the worldly.
18. The third in the 8-fold path, under Ethical conduct: Right speech
19. And that it means abstaining from lying, divisive speech, abusive speech, and idle chatter. Keeping confidences. Polite, soothing speech. Not gossip. Not rumors. And timing.
20. The fourth in the 8-fold path, under Ethical conduct: right livelihood
21. And that it means earning one’s living in a righteous way and legal and peaceful. And not dealing in weapons, not dealing in living beings (including raising animals for slaughter as well as slave trade and prostitution), not working in meat production and butchery, and not selling intoxicants and poisons such as alcohol and rugs.
22. The fifth in the 8-fold path, under Mental discipline, concentration, meditation: right effort
23. And that it means, using one’s energy toward self-discipline, honesty, benevolence, and kindness; not desire, envy, aggression, and violence. [ prevent the arising of unarisen unwholesome states/abandoning unwholesome states that have already arisen/ arousing wholesome states that have not yet arisen/ maintaining and perfecting wholesome states already arisen.
24. The sixth in the 8-fold path, under Mental discipline, concentration, meditation: right effort
25. And that it means putting the mental energy behind right effort. Like: 1. Prevent the arising of unarisen unwholesome states 2. To abandon unwholesome states that have already arisen 3. To arouse wholesome states that have not yet arisen, and 4. To maintain and perfect wholesome states already arisen. NOT the energy into fueling desire, envy, aggression, and violence.
26. The seventh in the 8-fold path, under Mental discipline, concentration, meditation: or right mindfulness
27. And that it means the mental ability to see things as they are, with clear consciousness. Without imposed sense impressions and thoughts. Clear perception, penetrating impressions without getting carried away. Enabling us to actively observe and control the way our thoughts go. Buddha: “the four foundations of mindfulness: 1. contemplation of the body, 2. contemplation of feeling (repulsive, attractive, or neutral), 3. contemplation of the state of mind, and 4. contemplation of the phenomena.
28. The eighth in the 8-fold path, under the acquired factors: Right concentration.
29. And that it means right meditation. Ex. mindfulness breathing
30. And that Buddha explained that cultivation of the noble eightfold path leads to the development of two further factors.
31. One is right knowledge.
32. And that means seeing things as they really are by direct experience, not as they appear to be, nor as the practitioner wants them to be, but as they truly are.
33. Resulting in: right liberation.
34. And that means where self-awakening occurs and the practitioner has reached the pinnacle of their practice.
35. I am grateful for this site, for I found some of the info to summarize from: http://www.ask.com/wiki/Noble_Eightfold_Path
36. And for this site, where I found some more: http://www.thebigview.com/buddhism/eightfoldpath.html
37. That I saw MA after school
38. That we went to the book store
39. That I bought the book
40. That we had tea/juice together
41. The *amazing * raw food lunch I had today!
42. The energy it gave me
43. The mood lift it gave me!
44. The dinner I had
45. That J tried to help me bleed the radiators, over the phone
46. That he might help me do it tomorrow
47. That I have hope.
48. That my second load of laundry is in, after a full work day! Another gift of that raw lunch food.
49. The singalong I gave the kids today
50. Enough warmth to live
51. Will take mother to bank tomorrow
52. And shopping
53. And I can straighten some, I think
54. And read
55. That I’m doing my thumb exercises

CoDA Work Today

I woke up and I feel:

Envious upset, regretful, sad, unhappy, desolate, ridiculous, frightened, abandoned, rejected, unstable, bewildered, dejected, deflated, defective, toppled, shaky, brittle, blue, alone, low, disturbed, dreadful, exposed, downcast
AND
Defeated
AND
Grateful, blessed, sacred, supported, optimistic, recharged, alive, inspired, exposed

I think it is because:
J didn't answer my e-mail sent days ago
I ate too much processed food yesterday
I'm freezing and don't know how to make the heat work - bleeding the things or something - I figured out one, but still no heat and maybe it's the furnace
I'm feeling vulnerable, exhausted, tired and depressed (some of these words are not choices in the boxed set I'm using to find the words)

Next time I will do differently:
Not eat the processed stuff!
Try harder to keep up around here
Pray for positivity

PM Work
1. Resentments - fear - thanking God for removing
2. How feel now - better or worse than before and can figure out?
3. Five good things about me and celebrate them

A resentment:
I resent that J didn't let me know how he was feeling. That he was so out of touch himself, that he couldn't let me know until it was so late. That he has through that caused me so much suffering.

I have fear because I want that life, not this one. And I don't know what the fuck is coming.

Thank you, Jesus, for removing these fears. I ask only for knowledge of Your will for me and the power to carry that out.

I feel:
good about myself for accomplishing
tired but in a good way
not hopeless
I think it is because: I ate well, I did some dishes and laundry, I saw a friend after work, and although I hate to admit it, partly because J was nice to me on the phone

5 good things about me:
1. I keep trying
2. I am funny. Everybody in person tells me that
3. I am not moody. I'm expressive and dramatic and respond to things deeply, but I don't like just wake up cranky or in a bad mood.
4. I am open-minded.
5. I am vegan. I don't hurt animals. As much as possible.
Wowie! Yay me!

Affirmations Today

I choose to be happy, healthy and successful.
I am enthusiastic, energetic and strong. I am health conscious and look after myself properly.
I love myself for who I am. Wonderful things are happening in my life daily.
I love myself unconditionally. I am beautiful and so is the world.
Abundance is my true state of being. I accept it fully and joyously.

I choose to be happy, healthy and successful.
I am enthusiastic, energetic and strong. I am health conscious and look after myself properly.
I love myself for who I am. Wonderful things are happening in my life daily.
I love myself unconditionally. I am beautiful and so is the world.
Abundance is my true state of being. I accept it fully and joyously.

God made me.
God helps me.
I have all I need.
I am good enough.
I am enough.
I am happy, joyous, and free.

Grats

I am grateful:

1. Gorillas
2. My kids enjoying the book I’m reading to them
3. My therapist yesterday
4. Ability to type again, may it continue – a bit less today though because hurts
5. CoDA work starting to help
6. That I’ve been taking lunch most days lately
7. That I’m reading the OA and CoDA daily meditations again
8. That I do my thumb/hand exercises every day
9. Today’s For Today: “…I know what I know. Don’t tell me how to live my life. I eat because…” “Somehow, in OA, I forgot all that. I went ahead and acted as if everything they told me was true.
10. “I prayed to a concept of God that was no more than three letters of the alphabet; but I prayed.
11. “Abstinence was equally ‘dumb,’ but I did it anyway.
12. “I still know what I know but, thank God, I am no longer using it to keep me from getting well.”
13. So true: Today’s Voices of Recovery: “When I put aside what I knew . . . I suddenly saw what I had missed by closing my mind.” For Today, p. 89
14. “An old Twelve-Step-program adage says that there are none too dumb for this program, but plenty who are too smart.
15. “Since entering program, it has taken years to allow more and more of the truths of the program to permeate my defensive armor. I have had to set asie many preconceived notions, much book learning, and rationalization along the way.
16. “I now have a truly three-dimensional life as compared to the flat plane of existence I once endured without knowing any better (as bright as I was).
17. “I thank God for striking me dumb.”
18. Today’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I am committed to my recovery.”
19. I’m grateful that I’ve made the decision to put my recovery first.
20. I’m grateful that I’ve taken the commitment to temporarily lead the CodA meeting.
21. “For me, commitment is a living, breathing thing.
22. “it is a conscious choice that I make today and every day.
23. “I commit to myself first before I commit to others.
24. “Only if I take care of myself can I have healthy relationships
25. “or be of service to others.
26. “Then genuine love and energy flow.”
27. Today’s Language of Letting Go: “Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.” (Step Eleven of Al-Anon)
28. “’…praying only for knowledge of His will for us and thre power to carry that out’ means that we ask on a daily basis to be shown the plan for that day.
29. We also ask our Source for the power we need to carry that through.
30. “We will get a yes to both requests.”
31. “We do not ask other people to show their will for us.” This is huge for me.
32. “We ask God.
33. “Then we trust that we’ll be empowered to carry God’s will through.
34. “God never, never asks us to do anything that He would not equip us to do.” That’s so comforting.
35. “If we are to do it, we will be empowered.” Yay.
36. “That’s the easy part of this program. We never have to do more than we can, or anything we can’t. If we want to worry and fuss we can, but we don’t need to. That is our choice.”
37. “I have learned, through difficult and good times, that this Step will carry me through. When I don’t know what to do next, God does.
38. “Working this Step, one day at a time, will take us to places we could never have traveled on our own.
39. “Simple acts, done daily in accordance to God’s will for us, lead to a Grand Plan for our life.
40. “Today, I will focus on asking God to show me what He wants me to do.
41. “I will ask God for the power to fdo that; then I will go ahead and get the job done.
42. “God, help me let go of my fears about living life one day at a time.
43. “Help me trust that when life is lived simply and in trust, a beautiful mosaic called ‘my life’ will be woven.
44. “I am being divinely led, guided, and cared for.”
45. That I’ve been eating healthy lunch every day.
46. That my students had great, fun, learning days the last two days.
47. Bookcases
48. Libraries. Free lending libraries. What a wonderful thing.
49. That I feel the breath getting all the way down by my belly. That’s such a wonderful thing. I didn’t feel that for SO long.
50. Black pants. Really.
51. Our first doggie (J and me)
52. Our first doggie (family of origin)
53. Courage to say that really hard stuff to the parent yesterday.
54. Freedom
55. Historical books.
56. Learning.
57. MA’s philosophy: “Be kind. Learn much. Take no shit.”
58. Talk. Speech. Voices. I like it. It helps me feel less alone.
59. Teaching another class to meditate yesterday.
60. With that teacher’s joy, and the principal’s encouragement.
61. And how much they loved it.
62. And how beautifully they behaved.
63. They were so good that I even got benefits of meditation; not just leading/teaching.
64. And teaching them the beautiful we are all the leaves of one tree song.
65. And I will teach it to my class today.
66. Helping M this year so much. Yay.
67. Love. In all forms.
68. The child making me the gingerbread house.
69. The amazing notes I took at Monday’s meeting for my team. I’m proud of them.
70. Heat in enough of this place. Not all, but enough. Will work on the rest.
71. Water
72. Hope
73. God
74. Job
75. Groceries
76. Gas for car
77. Car
78. Roof
79. Hands
80. Eyes
81. Feet
82. Legs
83. No real pains
84. Pancreas. Having a kid in my class with Type I diabetes really makes me appreciate my pancreas.
85. Not being alone in cyber-space.
86. Computer classes I give my kids.

Morning CoDA Work Today

I woke up and I feel:

Envious, regretful, estranged, tired
AND
defeated, powerless
AND
Grateful, blessed, sacred, supported, optimistic, recharged, alive

I think it is because:
I've been doing more CoDA work. And I've been not eating at night after dinner. And I've been praying more, and praying the Third Step Prayer too.
And exercising my compassion.

Next time I'll do differently:
Well, for now, more of the same.
And maybe one more OA meeting a week?

Last night's CoDA work that I didn't do:
5 good things about me:
1. I'm compassionate
2. I'm a good friend to my friends
3. I keep confidences
4. I'm smart
5. I don't give up

And celebrate them:
Yay me! Thank you, God.
And I'm proud if myself!
~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~
~*~*~*~*~*~*

Afternoon CoDA Work Today

I am resentful against Da
for being selfish and admitting she is crabby and that people don't like her
admitting some of her nastiness but then not understanding why people don't like her
often refusing to be helpful with others, but frequently wanting, requesting, and taking help from others
being hard to work with sometimes because although she doesn't so much think of others, she certainly stands up for herself when she thinks anyone else has to change their behavior toward her!
grrrr

But
I learned today that she is having real memory problems
So I'm thinking, maybe she's afraid, and *that's* making her worse than usual plus ultra-sensitive
May I continue to show compassion toward her.

Thank you for relieving me of this resentment, Jesus.

Affirmations

I am a child of God.
I am good enough.
I am enough.
I have enough.
The universe is infinitely good.
The universe if infinitely good to me.
My life is free, abundant, joyous, fun, and happy!
I am healthy.
I am lovable.
I am loved.

Grats

I am grateful:

1. I woke up today.
2. It will not be too cold today.
3. No one called and woke me last night.
4. So I didn’t get up and eat.
5. I did my CoDA work this morning.
6. I did manage to call my sponsor yesterday.
7. I am not in a hospital.
8. I am breathing. I know what it’s like to have such physical trouble breathing, and I’m not having it now!
9. My cough stuff is getting better.
10. I was so nice to my kids yesterday.
11. I’ve been told the horrible-bad aide will be out of my room, at least for mornings, within a few days. That’s a relief.
12. My intestines work.
13. My veins work.
14. My brain works.
15. The book course yesterday.
16. I’m glad I have these books to read.
17. And MA’s house at which to read them, when I can’t read here lol.
18. That I didn’t go to the store for junk last eve, as I wanted to!
19. That some people come here, and I’m not alone in cyber-space.
20. My tech session yesterday.
21. And what, after that, I taught the kids in the computer lab.
22. Sweaters.
23. Camisole type things to wear under tops and not feel freezing cold.
24. That even though I sent him an e-mail yesterday, there is no bad news from J today.
25. The math songs I’ve just written with the kids
26. The “breathing-game” book I read to them yesterday and they enjoyed so much.
27. The book I’ll be starting for them today.
28. Today’s For Today: “Whoever is aware of his own failings will not find fault with the failings of other men.” James Ross
29. “…without self-awareness, the habit of finding fault is a distraction that keeps me from seeing my own mistakes.
30. “As long as I look at another’s wrongheadedness, I don’t see myself – the only person I can change.”
31. “A daily tenth step turns my attention to myself so I will know what to do to put my life in order.”
32. And that tells me, I’d better get on with it for getting through Step Eight. So I can keep going to 9, 10, etc.
33. “For today: I don’t’ need to concern myself with other people’s faults; I have all the detective wok I can handle to ferret out my own.”
34. Today’s Voices of Recovery: “For many of us, fear, worry, and anxiety played a key role in our lives, robbing us of joy and keeping us from fulfilling our dreams.” OA 12 & 12 p. 37
35. So I am not alone. Because that is me, and it is in the book because it is not just me. And it is in the book because people change from it. Which means I can too.
36. “I was sick with fear about my job. I was afraid I was not doing well enough. I was afraid I would be fired.”
37. Oh my gosh, that was me! I’m great at my job, and yet for YEARS – EVERY TIME I went to the mailbox, I expected and feared that I’d see a pink slip. Oh how sick I’ve been: (
38. It goes on to say, “f only the fear would go away, then I could get abstinent, I thought, over and over again. I was dodging the truth behind the fear.
39. “I was not doing well enough, no matter how many extra hours I worked.”
40. “…The foods I raved incessantly (because I ate them) were keeping me sleepy and fogged.”
41. “I had it backwards. I had to get abstinent first, not get rid of the fear first.”
42. “I’m glad those two old fellows were right, the ones who liked to say, ‘You can’t think yourself into a new way of acting, you have to act yourself into a new way of thinking.’:
43. “I’m glad I accepted that I could not control my feelings,
44. but with God – given courage I could change my actions,
45. in spite of how I felt.”
46. Today’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I respond respectfully. If someone treats me critically, negatively, or disrespectfully, it’s not because I deserve such treatement.
47. “I don’t need to take their inventory, nor do I need to buy into their opinion.
48. “How I react to other people speaks volumes about me, my history, and my communication skills.
49. “By going to CoDA meetings, I’m learning how to speak up, set limits, and still be respectful of others.”
50. Today’s Language of Letting Go: “Clarity. I know better than to not trust God. But sometimes, I forget that.
51. “When we are in the midst of an experience, it is easy to forget that there is a Plan. Sometimes, all we can see is today.
52. “If we were to watch only two minutes of the middle of a television program, it would make little sense. It would be a disconnected event.
53. “If we were to watch a weaver sewing a tapestry for only a few moments, and focuse on only a small piece of the work, it would not look beautiful. It would look like a few peculiar threads randomly placed.
54. “How often we use that same, limited perspective to look at our life – especially when we are going through a difficult time.
55. “We can learn to have perspective when we are going through those confusing, difficult learning times.
56. “When we are being pelleted by events that make us feel, think, and question, we are in the midst of learning something important.
57. “We can trust that something valuable is being worked out in us – even when things are difficult, even when we cannot get our bearings. “ Oh, may this be tru.
58. “Insight and clarity do not come until we have mastered our lesson.”
59. “Faith is like a muscle. It must be exercised to grow strong. Repeated experiences of having to trust what we can’t see and repeated experiences of learning to trust that things will work out, are what makes our faith muscles grow strong.” May this be true!
60. “Today, I will trust that the events in my life are not random.
61. “My experiences are not a mistake.
62. “The Universe, my Higher Power, and life are not picking on me.
63. “I am going through what I need to go through to learn something valuable, something that will prepare me for the joy and love I am seeking.” Please God, may these beautiful thoughts be true!

CoDA Work Today

I woke up and I feel:

Frightened, unhappy, envious, blue, anxious, toppled, regretful, hateful, battered, estranged, isolated, ridiculous, ill, vulnerable, jittery, worried
AND
Defeated, powerless
AND
Grateful, blessed, sacred, inspired

I think it is because:
Although I only ate dinner and nothing after, I ate too much
I am very tired
I want J here
I'm mad that he didn't tell me what was going on inside him
I'm mad at myself for not helping more when he was clearly in trouble
I'm tired of having to deal with stupid people at work and especially the one who is stupid and mean
I have screwed up my life
I see others who haven't.
BUT
God is here.
And I have program.
And there should be hope

What I will do differently next time:
Eat less.
Go to bed earlier.
Try to do the other kind of CoDA work - the resentment thing later, and the pm 5 good things about myself

Must. Improve. Self.

Must not worry about whether this will happen or won't - or that will or won't...
Must each day:
Enjoy
Do work well (that, I always do)
And improve self for own self.

So, for example,
tonight -
feeling lonely
*want* to eat crap

But instead, can choose between
tv and a really good book I'm about to finish, with an already made healthy dinner
or
go to a meeting
Either is good - as long as I relax and know I'm doing something good for me today and for my future.

Affirmations

I am surrounded by love and everything is fine.
My heart is always open and I radiate love.
All my relationships are long lasting and loving.
My partner loves me as much as I love him.
I deserve love and I get it in abundance.
I have attracted the most loving person in my life and life is now full of joy.
I love myself and everybody else and in return everybody loves me.
Everywhere I go, I find love. Life is joyous.

I am surrounded by love and everything is fine.
My heart is always open and I radiate love.
All my relationships are long lasting and loving.
My partner loves me as much as I love him.
I deserve love and I get it in abundance.
I have attracted the most loving person in my life and life is now full of joy.
I love myself and everybody else and in return everybody loves me.
Everywhere I go, I find love. Life is joyous.

I am surrounded by love and everything is fine.
My heart is always open and I radiate love.
All my relationships are long lasting and loving.
My partner loves me as much as I love him.
I deserve love and I get it in abundance.
I have attracted the most loving person in my life and life is now full of joy.
I love myself and everybody else and in return everybody loves me.
Everywhere I go, I find love. Life is joyous.

Above are from: http://www.self-help-and-self-development.com/list_of_affirmations.html

I take care of my body.
I am fine.
I am well.
I am healthy.
I am living a long and healthy, vibrant, happy life.
God and the universe are taking perfect care of me.

Gratitudes Today

I am grateful:

1. K called. I didn’t get the call, but it was nice that she called.
2. I got a call from someone referred to call me by the churchy group. Will have to return that (was falling asleep).
3. It is a new day.
4. Some good things came out of the math committee meeting yesterday.
5. Book course is today but so is eye doctor: ( But – I might be able to switch eye dr. Otherwise, I’ll miss the course but be grateful I *have * the dr.
6. One cup of coffee a day.
7. That although so tiered and down and *not feeling like it, * I did do my CoDA morning work.
8. That I can see to it that I get enough sleep tonight.
9. That I *might * go to an OA meeting today. Might.
10. That I awakened from the bad dream.
11. And that it had a decent part to it too.
12. Hope.
13. God.
14. Friends.
15. Someone I worked with was just killed in a car crash. I am so sorry about that. And it makes me remember to be grateful that I got home safely last night.
16. That I did say something to my mother when she was pulling my life into her fear again Sunday night.
17. That we got through it.
18. That it was fine yesterday.
19. Interesting. Today’s For Today: “Better hazard once than always be in fear.” Thomas Fuller
20. It goes on to say later: “But it’s better to jump in and examine my fears than to let them haunt me the rest of my life. I take a fourth-step inventory, skimming the surface at first, then digging deeper. The more honest I am, the more freely I breathe. This is what I feared? I want to shout to the world: Don’t be afraid!”
21. Today’s Voices of Recovery: “When we talk about using the telephone as a too, we observe that isolation is common among us.”
22. “As I further notice the quality of my behavior, I have more desire to change.”
23. “Good things have happened when I’ve listened to others sharing in order to recognize my own symptoms.
24. And “I need to notice the quality of my listening. It is a measure of my spiritual condition.”
25. Wow. Today’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I choose.
26. “Now that I’m recovering from codependence
27. “I make decisions in my life based on what I think is important, not what other people say I ‘should’ do.
28. I know what my values are.
29. “I decide how I want to spend my time and live my life according to those values.
30. “I have clearly defined goals.
31. “I am an adult, capable of taking care of myself and meeting my own needs.
32. “My conscious choices further my goals and fill my spirit.”
33. Today’s Language of Letting Go: “…in thy book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.” Ps 139:16
34. It goes on to say that whether God knew, and planned exactly what was to transpire, or we chose, “our interpretation can be similar: Our past is neither an accident nor a mistake.
35. “We have been where we needed to be, with the necessary people.
36. “We can embrace our history, with its pain, its imperfections, its mistakes, even its tragedies. It is uniquely ours; it was intended just for us.
37. “Today, we are right where we need to be.
38. ***”Our present circumstances are exactly as they need to be – for now.”
39. “Today, I will let go of my guilt and fear about my past and present circumstances.
40. “I will trust that where I have been and where I am now are right for me.”
41. Wild horses.
42. Foxes.
43. Children.
44. Breath.
45. My reiki master teacher.
46. Maybe I’ll do meditation (the breathing game) with the kids today.

Some CoDA Work Toda

I woke up and I feel:

Upset, frightened, estranged, regretful, rejected, unhappy, anxious, sad, vulnerable, lonely, encumbered, terrified, neglected, bruised, battered, envious, brittle, helpless
AND
Blessed, grateful, divine
AND
and this may be the ones that will helps me to give in and gie up and put programs first:
Defeated

I think it is because:
I fell asleep on the couch and was awakened by the phone, and then in sort of a stupor, overate. It's a phenomenon and I don't know what to do about it and cannot do anything about it on my own.
Also, because I so deeply feel I need J. And that is codependent.

What I think I will do differently next time:
Pray for help!

Affirmations

God made me
The universe and God are taking care of me
I am well
I am fine
I am enough
I have enough
All my needs are met

God made me
The universe and God are taking care of me
I am well
I am fine
I am enough
I have enough
All my needs are met

I put out positive energy and beliefs, and I get back positives
Everything I need, I have
My life is abundant, fulfilled, and wonderful

Gratitudes

I am grateful:

1. Last night’s meeting was great
2. Hearing from JJ and Birdie last night
3. Remembering to say hello to God in bed this morning
4. Though still need more, a bit more sleep than I thought I’d get
5. Doing my CoDA work today
6. Committing to putting my recovery first, starting now.
7. ***Feeling last night, that working on ME is truly more important than “working on” J or us. That’s a real gift
8. That although I do NOT want MORE meetings, and have one at lunch AND after school today – when am I supposed to get anything done – at least they both might be helpful.
9. That if I don’t finish the book by tomorrow, which I likely won’t, it’s really okay.
10. That I’m loving the book.
11. OA literature
12. CoDA literature
13. Affirmations
14. That although I just realized every post topic says in light letters Recipe before the topic, like Gratitudes or Affirmations, because I made a mistake when originally trying to figure out how to Label, I’m not totally crazed about it, as I would have been a long time ago
15. That I found my power cord
16. That I found my car key.
17. Plants. Indoor plants.
18. MA reading to my class Friday
19. How they loved it
20. Her ability – she owned them before she sat down
21. They enjoyed it so much
22. The math/music work I’m doing with them
23. That I got through those rough hours yesterday
24. That I lead the meeting well enough. I wasn’t perfect and that’s fine
25. That it was more positive than last week’s meeting
Maybe I can add more. Must do other work too now (plus some thumb issues).
Thank you, God

26. For Today today: “My best thinking got me into trouble….This program is helping me to let go some long-cherished opinions and attend more to the real nature of things.
27. “I am coming to understand myself as I free my mind of conventional ideas about human strengths and weakness.
28. “I turn to my experience with compulsive overeating to help me distinguish conventional thinking from reality.”
29. Today’s Voices of Recovery: “…we came to understand…the way…is personal inner change.
30. “I would have to change the way I was eating, behaving, and thinking.
31. “The changes would happen inside myself, …
32. “…so the outside could change.
33. “The directions for how to change were in the Twelve Steps.
34. “Somehow, I knew that if I followed the Steps, I would achieve physical, emotional, and spiritual healthy.”
35. And “I am grateful to a program of recovery that has allowed me to understand that recovery from compulsive eating is possible if I choose to change.”
36. Today’s In This Moment: “Trying to take care of everyone else was overwhelming. I lost myself. My life was unmanageable.”
37. “In CoDA, I’m learning to put my own needs first.
38. “I accept my Higher Power’s guidance.
39. “In a crisis, I reach for the oxygen first.
40. “I’m confident that my Higher Power keeps it within easy reach.”
41. Today’s The Language of Letting Go: “Open ourselves to the love that is available to us.
42. “We do not have to limit our sources of love. God and the Universe have an unlimited supply of what we need,
43. “including love.
44. “When we are open to receiving love, we will begin to receive it.
45. “It may come from the most surprising places,
46. “including from within ourselves.
47. “We will be open to and aware of the love that is and has been there for us all along.
48. “We will feel and appreciate the love from friends.
49. “We will notice and enjoy the love that comes to us from family.
50. ***”We will be able to receive love in our special love relationships too.
51. ***”We do not have to accept love from unsafe people – people who will exploit us or with whom we don’t want to have relationships.
52. “But there is plenty of good love available
53. “ – love that heals our heart, meets our needs, and makes our spirit sing.
54. “We have denied ourselves too long.
55. ***”We have been martyrs too long.
56. “Today, I will open myself to the love that is coming to me from the Universe. I will accept it and enjoy it when it comes.”
57. Electricity
58. TV
59. Piano in classroom tuned
60. Robe
61. Slippers
62. A bed
63. A shower
64. Towels
65. Clean clothes
66. Garbage pick-up
67. Recycling pick-up. I’m always so behind and concerned with getting it out there, I’ve never stopped to be grateful that it’s so convenient. I don’t have to drive it anywhere. That’s pretty lucky.
68. That my breath is getting into my chest. I can feel it. Having not always had that, I’m aware of what a gift it is.
69. Hot tea.
70. Fresh water.
71. Energy. Not “enough” but grateful for the amount I have.
72. Less obsessing.
73. Digital photos
74. Soy milk
75. Almond milk
76. Hemp sneakers.
77. And they’re comfortable.
78. And cute.
79. Being better with money lately.
80. That M’s nanny situation worked out.
81. That she said that everything I’ve prayed for for her always works out. Yay.
82. That I helped a friend yesterday.
83. Learning more about how to eat well.
84. That a pound dropped off painlessly – effortlessly this weekend.
85. That I am refusing to live in the fear like I was.

CoDA Work Today

I have decided to share my CoDA work here.
So, morning work today:

October 24

I woke up and I feel:
Abandoned, deflated, upset, frightened, jealous, estranged, regretful, rejected, unhappy, anxious
AND
Okay
AND
Blessed grateful healthy activated sacred humble ready supported enough

I think this is because:
J feels he doesn’t love me
I am clueless about the future
I don’t like being so alone
BUT
The OA Convention was great and affirming
I spent time with K, which was great, and affirming (for us both)
And same with time with MA with was also great, and affirming (for us both)
And I feel okay with this to do, here, today. Wow.
Feel even like someone else here, depending on whom, COULD interfere with my little routines and spiritual work…
***Last night was the first time EVER that I felt like really putting myself first. My program(s). My recovery. My life on a mature, grown-up level.

What I would do differently next time:
Do this work daily. Do more thumb exercises and soaks if have to but really try to do all this work daily.

--

Affirmations

I feel good about myself and about everybody around me.
All is well. Everything that is happening is only for the highest good of me.
I live only in the present.
I love myself unconditionally and accept myself as I am.
I attract the best.
I am a child of God.
The universe is giving me all that I need.
All is well.

Gratitudes

I am grateful:

1. Great OA stuff this weekend
2. Called K
3. Had dinner with her
4. We got to talk about God
5. We got to talk about program
6. We got to laugh
7. We got to share
8. I am grateful that she is my friend.
9. Although I didn’t get quite enough sleep last night, I got a pretty good amount. And I am grateful for that.
10. Again, water. Someone who just came back from Ethiopia was sharing about the people who get their “drinking water” from the ditch in which the cows deficate. So many people on this planet are dying from lack of water. Dying form diarrhea because of drinking that kind of water. So, even though it’s a repeat, I am every grateful for water. Drinking water. Not to even get into water for washing self, dishes and clothes; and water for swimming.
11. Hope
12. J. J and I getting along right now
13. The love thread for me on the vb the other day: )
14. That I’ve prayed tonight.
15. And had a comment from dear Birdie!
16. And left her one too.
17. And an e-mail.
18. That I left Md a nice e-mail.
19. And she responded.
20. That I saw MA today.
21. And read at her house while she went shopping
22. And ate my very healthy lunch
23. And then read with her
24. And even discussed the book together a little
25. And will probably finish it on time after all.
26. The book itself (The Kitchen House)
27. That I spoke with O for a moment
28. That I have had enough food and healthy food for this day
29. That I am sitting and doing this at the place before my CoDA meeting right now. Don’t know when I’ll get to put it from Word document to blog, but that’s what I’m doing.
30. That I got to 50 today and my thumb is fine today.
31. That I’m about to lead the meeting.
32. That I’ll see my mother Tuesday
33. Novena to St. Jude taking place right now.
34. Steve Jobs’ creativity and contributions.

Affirmations Needed So Here Goes

I am a creation of God
I am lovable
I have enough
I am enough

I am a creation of God
I am lovable
I have enough
I am enough

I can take care of myself
I am desirable.

I can take care of myself
I am desirable.

Grats

As many as i can type

I am grateful:

1. Program event near me
2. Ride to it last night
3. Dinner out with others
4. Ride home
5. Sleep
6. Great speakers at the event
7. Breathing - coughing up stuff, but breathing
8. Remember pills and vitamins today
9. This is a day the Lord has given me
10. I can choose to be happy
11. Very nice chat with J yesterday
12. Will have doggie next weekend, yay!
13. Shrink and I better this past Wed. than the one before
14. Oceans
15. Fish
16. Whales
17. Dolphins
18. Coral
19. Seaweed
20. Oxygen
21. My access to beaches within short drives
22. My access to mountains within short drives
23. Being mostly appreciated at work
24. Much laughter with friends the last two days
25. Sparkpeople.com, a free way for me to track what I eat
26. The hardware on the bedroom furniture, which J changed for us
27. Rings
28. Comfy clothes for today
29. Hope about eating and weight loss
30. Hope about CoDA stuff
31. Scotch tape
32. Staplers
33. Scissors - all these things are conveniences
34. The brilliance of Steve Jobs
35. That more and more people I know are going vegan or sometimes vegan or almost vegan
36. Lambs
37. Sheep
38. People who understand that they do not need us to shear them - we have interbred them that way - and hunks of skin are ripped off etc etc.
39. So, people who are not holding onto old images of happy farms in backyards with happy animals...
40. People who don't exploit animals
41. Freedom, as I know people can see this differently than I do and we all have the freedom to look deeply in our own way
42. People who do look deeply, whatever they come up with
43. God. God's help for this planet.
44. Prayer
45. When tv does keep me company
46. That hopefully someday I won’t need it to.
47. Hugs
48. Smiles
49. Jackets
50. Sweaters
51. Sneakers
52. Socks.
53. Stones
54. Rivers
55. Thumb exercises

As Many Gratitudes As I Can Type Today

I am grateful:

*My mother is alive
*We are spending time together
*I have program opportunities this weekend
*My students are learning.
*I am almost tireless there for them.
*Many people love me.
*I love many people.
*I am not as fearful as I used to be.
*I am not the isolator I used to be.
*I often have hope for my future.
*I can have tea at work.
*My hand is working, may it continue to.
*I am getting a ride to where I'm going tonight.
*Peace everywhere there is peace.
*J and I are getting along nicely with each other.
*I will see doggie soon, I hope.
*Kindnesses I see at work.
*Many comfortable yet pretty shoes.
*Every time I hear the birds chirping.
*The people cleaned up the yard yesterday. That was nice to come home to.
*My hair looks nice.
*The great book I'm reading.
*I can breathe.
*I can speak.
*Three lovely e-mails this morning.
*Compassion everywhere there is compassion.
*That although I was tired, and she gets on my nerves, I spent time helping a co-worker last time. I'm really grateful that I was able to do that.
*Laughter
*Positive readings.
*My sponsors (OA and CoDA)
*My best girlfriend
*M's children, those darling angels
*Soon I will spend a little time there with them
*That their new nanny situation is working out!
*Our tech teacher at work. She is lovely. Helpful tech-wise but also a person of integrity and I appreciate her.
*That our superintendent of schools fights the good fight.
*That I, as we all, are able to deal with the large amount of stress there.
*That many parents bought books for our classroom!
*That for the first year ever, I didn't spend personal money buying still more books
*For deciding that today I will try to be happy.

As Lincoln said, "I can be as happy or unhappy today as I make up my mind to be."

Affirmations Today

I am smart.
I am capable.
I am compassionate.
I am growing better all the time.
God helps me.
I am lovable.
I am loved.
I am enough.

I am smart.
I am capable.
I am compassionate.
I am growing better all the time.
God helps me.
I am lovable.
I am loved.
I am enough.

Dear God

Adoration
Contrition
Supplication
Thanksgiving
ACTS

Dear God,
I give You praise. Thank you for creating us and this beautiful earth.
May we all, including me, take better care of it and of each other.

I am sorry for every mean word I've ever said, and for every act of selfishness that has ever made me not honor our planet. For example over-eating, which uses resources...

I ask you, God, please heal me. I am so grateful for the relief of some fears I used to have! Please continue this work with me, and I will continue to do my part.
And please, be with J so he gets to know you and feels good about himself.
And please, Father, heal our marriage. Only you can do it. We cannot do it without You. I cannot do anything without You.

Thank you, Father, for the growth you are helping me with.
For water.
For friends.
For the ability to do my work well.
For shelter for the coming winter.
For my body, my soul, and my brain.
And for the humility I've begun to have.
Thank you in advance for answering my prayers.

Amen.

Why Are There Bullies?

We don't allow it with the children in school. Why are some adults bullies?
Why do they pick on sensitive, compassionate, vulnerable people?
Why are they so lacking in compassion?
I don't understand bullies.

Changes

So I don't want to need OA or CoDA.
And I don't want any of this situation with hubby.
And I don't want my weaknesses.

But they all exist.
And I *have* been going to OA and am currently working Step Eight with a sponsor.
And I *have* been going to CoDA and am currently working Step Two with a sponsor.

And despite how bad it still is and how bad I still feel, here are some changes in the last year and a half (of OA; CoDA is much more recent).

*Although I wake up with the pit in my stomach, a few days recently I haven't, or it hasn't been as deep.
*I am able to get out of it more quickly.
*I more naturally turn to prayer throughout the day.
*I shower and look and smell nice every day, hair, a little makeup, clothes, shoes.
*I am eating better.
*I've lost a few pounds.
*I move more and have even been to the gym a bunch.
*I have come to love driving on highways. Never did before. It was never a problem, except for about 2 1/2 months of PTSS after an accident, but I never loved it. Always would just rather be there than get there. Now I really enjoy it. Find it freeing. Finally understand how others, like J feel that way.
*My phobias are lesser.
*I am sometimes - some little times - okay alone.
***I do not want to kill myself or die. I want to take care of myself.
*I have some hope for my future.
*I am not looking to defend myself to J, or to force him into anything. But to accept his rights as a human being God made too.

These are big changes, and I thought I should document them here.

Have to Find Some Gratitudes

Um, I am grateful:

That my mother made it out of the hospital this time.
That I got to spend time with her yesterday.
That I helped her with her emergency.
That CoDA was a good meeting yesterday.
So was OA.
That I heard from friend Jo today in a nice e-mail.
That I now track my food on Sparkpeople, which I like.
That I am able to breathe on my own.
That I am healthy and able to walk and move and drive and work.
That I filled my car with gas yesterday.
That K remembered she owes me money - I'd forgotten.
That I have a healthy lunch for today.
That I am about to take a nice shower right now.
That maybe God is there for me. Maybe.
Hope.

So

Yesterday I got up and did cooking and laundry.
Went to OA.
Visited friend. We had plans to read together - I have to do some reading for work and can't get myself to do it here. But she talked the whole time. I love her. But I needed to read and we had agreed on that.
Anyway, then visited mother.
Then mother had a panic about something and I had to run back there. It was unsettled for my feelings for her suffering, and also for realizing I grew up with that and last, for realizing I did that to J a million times. Ugh.
Then I met friend for a quick bite, her treat.
Then CoDA.
I tried to do all the right things.
Started the morning praying too.

Woke up with hole in my stomach again.
So miserable.
Today I will pray, eat well and track it, do my work well, look as good as can.
But when will I feel any better?

I am so tired of waiting.
Growing up with a schizophrenic mother was so much waiting. Going school, doing my work, having friends, boyfriend...but waiting to get the hell out of the crazy house someday.
I have spent a lot of years - a lot of years - waiting for J to be okay. Waiting for the house to be okay. Etc. Working hard and waiting.
Now I am working hard and waiting to feel okay.

Is my whole life just for waiting?
Why can't I feel okay?

Shit.

Somewhere I'm Miserable and Somewhere There's Hope - includes Grats and Dear God

Hard evening last night.
Then about an hour of relief. But it wasn't necessarily healthy. Lying on couch watching Two and a Half Men. But not miserable anyway.
Then the misery returned.

Slept. Woke up miserable, sad, scared.

But have already done like 3 hours of useful stuff.
Fixed up and sent recipes she'd asked for to a colleague.
One load of laundry, and hung up and put away.
Put away towels and socks and undies and blanket still hadn't put away from laundry last week.
Made pot of greens/beans/pasta.
Loaded dishwasher.

Need to keep going.

Don't really want to.

Partly, I just hate my life.
Partly, I don't know what is to come. Maybe some wonderful things.
And - there are moments when I feel okay or even good.
Plus - if I'm alive, things need to get done and feel better when they are done.
And - if I live some years or many years, I'd rather be healthy and able than not.

So,
I am TIRED! Tired of waiting for better times while I plug away.

But,
I am also grateful.
Among other things, for these:

1. My thumb is ok right now
2. I do my physical therapy exercises every day
3. Healthy food in fridge
4. Great pear I had after coffee this am
5. That I am breathing.
6. Claritan - generic and cheaper
7. Hope
8. My hands that work
9. Clean clothes for the week ahead
10. Freshly cut and colored hair
11. Friends
12. Ability to drive
13. Gorgeous breezes yesterday
14. Time with mother yesterday
15. Expect more time with her today
16. CoDA meeting today
17. OA meeting today
18. MIGHT have time either with best friend and/or doggie today.
19. Funny children
20. Every minute I've had with J.
21. Every minute I've had with his family.
22. Starting to become stronger.
23. Not as phobic as I used to be.
24. God in my life.

Dear God,
I praise you and only you.
I am sorry for the way I have not taken care of my body.
I am sorry that my - fear? laziness? insecurities? messed-up upbringing? - have allowed me to not have/keep a nice home.
I am sorry that I ruined my relationship.
I am sorry for all stubbornness and all defensiveness and all inabilities to listen that I've ever had.
And all judgmentalism.
And every time in my life that I've gossiped or listened.
Okay, before this turns into a step four, I am contrite, dear Lord.
Thank you for all my blessings, including those listed above.
I ask you, I implore you, dear Father: Please help J to find fulfillment in his own life. And please help me to feel better. And please heal our marriage.
I say all of this through Jesus Christ our Lord,
Amen.

St Jude,
Most holy apostle, faithful servant and friend of Jesus, the Church honoureth and invoketh thee universallly, as the patron of hopeless cases, and of things almost despaired of. Pray for me, who am so miserable. Make use, I implore thee, of that particular privilege accorded to thee, to bring visible and speedy help where help was almost despaired of. Come to mine assistance in this great need, that I may receive the consolation and succor of Heaven in all my necessities, tribulations, and sufferings, particularly in the restoration of my marriage with J, and that I may praise God with thee and all the elect throughout eternity. I promise thee, O blessed Jude, to be ever mindful of this great favour, to always honour thee as my special and powerful patron, and to gratefully encourage devotion to thee. Amen.

Greens, Beans, and Pasta

I just made this and tasted it.
I was thinking of a friend of a much older relative, who grew up during the Depression. She said all they ate growing up was, "Greens, beans, and more greens." And boy were they healthy - even into much later years.
Well, we're trying to conserve money, and to eat better, so I just made this and tasted it - I like it!
It's probably something millions of people have done, but I never thought of it until just now. It's a keeper. Leave out the collards if you want. Add a bit of broccoli if you want. It will still be good I'm sure (think of the classic pasta garlic/oil/broccoli dish)

Here it is:

Great Greens/Beans/Pasta Dish

This is tasty to me. I can taste the garlic and the spinach and the pasta, and a little bit, the collards.

It’s very healthy and will probably be about 6 portions or so. It’s easy, quick, and inexpensive too. This will be a repeat.

1. Boil water for one box whole-grain pasta (I used Barilla whole grain penne)

2. Nuke to defrost about 1 box plus 2 handfuls from a bag, of frozen spinach (I did it that way 'cause it's what I have - so, about 12 – 14 ounces?)
And about 6 – 8 ounces frozen collards with it ( I took it from a bag)

3. Heat on stovetop – 2 Tablespoons olive oil, with nice amount of garlic and a bit of hot pepper

4. Add to the oil, garlic and hot pepper, one can of white beans, NOT drained (the gunk should go into the pan with the beans)

5. Stir as heating (on medium flame)

6. Add to the beans and oil mixture, the spinach collard mixture.

7. Keep heating that while the pasta cooks (for about 2 minutes less than the pasta box says to cook it), stirring sometimes. If the bean/veggie/oil pan starts to bubble, lower flame a little and stir – but you do want it to roll a little tiny bit.

8. Drain the pasta RESERVING THE LIQUID (I just place a bowl in the sink under the collander)

9. Now throw the pasta into the pan of greens/beans and oil – or, if like mine, that pan is too small, then throw the pasta back into the pot you cooked it in, and add the beans/greens/oil mixture to that bigger pot.

10. Add in two cups of the reserved pasta liquid and stir that all up now.

11. Mix it in, while heating for about 2 minutes.

Enjoy!

So. Here I Am.

I got showered and dressed nicely and cute hair and some makeup.
Took mother to bank and shopping and to another store with me too.
Took her home, came and put away my groceries.
Went for pedicure (last till next summer), wrote a check to pay a bill and got that out, and went to get my hair cut and colored because it was due. For once didn't wait until long overdue.
All good.

But now here I am. Just am.
Really really miss J and wish he'd spend some time with me even as a friend, which he'd said he wanted but never manages to.
Called 6 friends - no one available.

Doggie not even here.

Very lonely.

I guess I have to learn to be ok in this dark little place that needs work, by myself, on a Saturday night and many many others, without going crazy or overeating or getting so depressed...
I've always been able to enjoy my alone time, but that's *in the context of a relationship.* Like, SO is out and I'm nice and happy on my own, but I know he's coming back later...

I don't know how to do this!

Do you know how?

I Don't Know

Will do the right things today.
Eat well.
Take mother to bank and shopping.
Be careful what I spend.
Go get my hair cut and colored because it's really time that I must.
Maybe read.
Definitely continue praying.
TRY TO STAY POSITIVE.
Help me, God.

And I am still grateful:

1. This blog
2. Ability to buy food
3. Hope
4. Talk with MA this morning
5. Friends
6. M's call last night
7. Being prepared for Monday, and every day for the next at work.
8. Enough healthy
9. Fresh water
10. Feeling better
11. Will buy allergy pills today.
12. Toilet fixed.
13. About to take shower.

Thank you and please help me. God.

Journal

Feeling lonely.
But lots to do today at work, and that will keep me busy.
Then all I want to do is sleep.
Maybe I'll read.
Oh well.
Building something for the future.
Although really tired of that, as, as the child of a schizophrenic mother, that's what I had to do so much of growing up.
May I have a good day today.
And may anyone who reads this have one too.

Some Gratitudes

Can't type 100 but here are some gratitudes.
I am grateful for these things:

1. I have never been the victim of a violent crime by an outsider.
2. M had a good day yesterday.
3. St. called with a good idea to help M.
4. I prayed for other people today.
5. I'm getting daily compliments on how I look. I wish I had done that when J. was here, but I'm grateful for it now anyway.
6. I am healthy.
7. The SmartBoard course.
8. Weekend coming (need rest).
9. My mother
10. Healthy food for today.
11. Being better with money.
12. Meditated with the kids yesterday ("breathing game")
13. That principal actually wants me to give them that.
14. That they loved it.
15. Jackets.
16. Sleep.
17. Water.
18. My great soup recipe I made up.
19. That there are still leaves on the trees. I love trees. And leaves.
20. That some of them are turning beautiful colors.
21. That O and I went to that composer's grave the other day, and it was so amazing.
22. Hope.

Affirmatons

I am smart.
I am capable.
I am healthy.
I am lovable.
I am attractive.

I am smart.
I am capable.
I am healthy.
I am lovable.
I am attractive.

I am smart.
I am capable.
I am healthy.
I am lovable.
I am attractive.

Dear God

Yesterday I decided on a 9-month plan. Please help me to stay on it, and please may it work.
Amen.

Need Some Affirmations

I am smart.
I am educated.
I am compassionate.
I am hard-working.
I am quick.
I am not judgmental like I used to be.
I am healthy.
I am a child of God.
I am strong.
I am enough.
I am lovable.

I am smart.
I am educated.
I am compassionate.
I am hard-working.
I am quick.
I am not judgmental like I used to be.
I am healthy.
I am a child of God.
I am strong.
I am enough.
I am lovable.

I am smart.
I am educated.
I am compassionate.
I am hard-working.
I am quick.
I am not judgmental like I used to be.
I am healthy.
I am a child of God.
I am strong.
I am enough.
I am lovable.

I am smart.
I am educated.
I am compassionate.
I am hard-working.
I am quick.
I am not judgmental like I used to be.
I am healthy.
I am a child of God.
I am strong.
I am enough.
I am lovable.

I am smart.
I am educate.
I am compassionate.
I am hard-working.
I am quick.
I am not judgmental like I used to be.
I am healthy.
I am a child of God.
I am strong.
I am enough.
I am lovable.

And I am pretty.

Grats

Can still only type so many:
I am grateful:

my course is today
I got to stay home sick yesterday without losing pay
I am about to take a bath - that's lucky - many people cannot
my mother has temporary help now
I have healthy food for lunch and dinner today
I ate fruit yesterday
J is working hard and liking doing so, and I'm happy for him
I can be nice to kids today (as always)
I got the recycling out this morning!
And they took it! I watched!
I relaxed a little last night
My clothes are clean and I will look decent for work today
I am not alone in cyberspace every day, thank God
I have a 9-month plan

OK. This Has to Be It

It is fucking October 13 of misery. Damn it all.
Okay, that's just how I feel.
But I need to *do* something more.
So:
through July 13 - that is 9 months (like gestation - hmmm)
I will try to:
*be gentle with myself but not lazy
*eat carefully (not promising to be perfect)
*exercise 3 times a week - even if just a walk or bicycle at gym
*do something I enjoy every single day
*get the recycling out more regularly (again, not promising self perfection, just progress)
*get to 2 meetings a week, maybe 1 CoDA and 1 OA, or more
*look good every day (unless sick)
*be a bit neater around here
*smile every day a bunch
*read something that will help my growth at least 3x a week
*pray every single day
*meditate at least 3x a week
*continue to read the Five Mindfulness Trainings, aloud, with someone else, at least once every 3 months
*continue to be good to J, but also continue to realize he does deserve his happiness and freedom, and try to not intrude
*HAVE HOPE FOR MY FUTURE
*little by little, fix my sleeping arrangements (bed broken and a mess and bedroom messy right now)
*spend less

If anyone is reading this, please give me ideas on what else I should be doing?
Thank you,
The Desperate One

Journal

Just sick.
Slightly scared (emotionally).
But okay really.

Thankful for
eyes
ears
voice
hands
feet
blood
brain
heart
tv today
books and magazines
paid sick day

Dear God

I feel like I must start my day with you, Dear God.
Thank you that I am not in agony this morning. Really thank you. Discomfort is different than agony.
Thank you for the days I've had with doggie; I bring her back today.
Thank you that I have a shower to go into and clothes to put on me.
And for sleep last night.
And water and coffee and Ezekial bread and peanut butter.

May I eat carefully for my body today.
May I do my work well.
May I see my mother and may she be having a good day.
May my minutes with J, returning doggie, go well.
May my new decision work out.

Please continue to heal us, separately and together.

Amen.

Journal/Gratitudes/Dear God

I don't feel like writing right now.
But I must do some gratitudes.

I am grateful:
*My mother, her friend and I had a nice time together yesterday.
*Doggie and my friend and I had a beautiful time in the park yesterday - weather, ducks, children, doggies, lake, walking, just lovely.
*That I don't really have to go out and do much of anything I don't want to do today.
*That my laundry is in right now. Right here inside. Don't even have to go outside to do it. That is lucky.
*That doggie is on couch with me right now.
*That I cooked soup and 2 casseroles this weekend, so I have healthy food for all week.
*That I might even bring a little to J when I drop off doggie.
*That maybe O will come with me to see mother today.
*That I am breathing. Made it through my attack the other morning: first one here alone. Didn't need inhaler, and breathing.
So much to be grateful for.

Dear God,
Thank you that I am more pure and good than ever. That I am losing weight. That I listen better and am not as defensive and afraid as I used to be.
Please continue helping me to grow.
Please continue helping J to find happiness.
Please reunite us one day.

Thank you that every day now I look good (clothes and hair and makeup and shoe good anyway). If only I'd done it sooner. But as Thich Nhat Hahn says, "Life is only available in the present moment."

Amen

Journal Entry Today

So, here's where I am.

Very hard last few weeks, emotionally.
Been trying hard to turn it around.
Sometimes little relief.
Very grateful for that.

If anyone reads this who is suffering, here are the things that have helped me most:
*Eating greens every day (which, when I skip, makes me react emotionally)
*Mostly staying away from white flour (which for some reason makes me nervous)
*Moving around throughout the day. No formal exercise program lately, but awareness of walking etc.
**Staying in touch with friends
*Trying to do one thing a day that is fun. It could be window shopping with a friend, or shopping with a friend, or laughing in a phone call with a friend, or coffee out with a friend, or a meal out with a friend, or a movie out with a friend, or playing with doggie in park, or practicing piano (when I can, hand permitting), or taking my mom somewhere, visits, ...
*Doing my work well. That helps me feel better.
**Showering or bathing every single day, making sure my hair is clean, I have a little makeup on, and I'm wearing clean and nice clothes and shoes and I smell good.
*Walking about with some dignity.
*Cleaning up a little something after myself. Not a lot yet, but like dishes, bathroom.
*Getting the garbage out. I have struggled with this for a long time, and still struggle with getting the recycling out. Feels better when do.
*Being more careful with money (limited, as it is for most of us).
*Cooking on weekends so I have good go-to stuff when exhausted and/or depressed during week
*Working on myself, on getting stronger, more independent (without becoming masculine - not kidding), becoming whole
*CoDA
*OA
*Trying to take it easier on myself
*Trying to behave the way I wish I'd always behaved: with compassion, kindness, really listening to what the other person has to say, not judging...
*Back to some Buddhist (and really every major religion/philosophy in the world) basics

I have trouble in the mornings. Very lonely.
Have had coffee.
Have posted here.
Know what going to do later.
Maybe will make tea (more coffee will make me jittery) and curl up with book I need to read for book course for half an hour or so.

But first - putting in load of laundry.

If you've seen this, I wish you a wonderful day!

Such Yummy Soup

I wanted to use up some more of my not-needed-after-all hurricane supplies (canned food).

Here's what I made, and it is YUMMY and very filling too!

Such Yummy Soup

Soften then sauté 2 yellow onions in olive oil and a bit of soy margarine like Earth Balance

In large stock pot, pour two containers (boxes) broth:
One vegan veggie broth
One vegan “chicken” broth

Add to large pot:
Two (kind of large) glasses water
Garlic powder
Hot pepper
1 can green beans, French style
1 can spinach
Some frozen spinach
1 can pinto beans
1 can white beans
Dried parsley
Dried rosemary
And the onions

Bring to boil
Then simmer, lid askew, for about 2 hours.

It makes a delicious soup!

Then, if you want to take it up a notch, here's what I did next, and it became an amazing soup! Here it is:

For about another 20 minutes, add some bulgur - it becomes a totally complete meal!
And some coconut milk - because - yum and creamy (and healthy too)

Some Gratitudes for Today

I am grateful. If I could type more I would type more gratitudes. But I will at least put these here:

*Time with my CoDA sponsor/friend last night.
*Broccoli rabe
*My ridiculously-cheap-because-they-were-the-last-pair-in-the-store Italian designer shoes
*And - comfy sneakers for the park
*That I am losing weight
*That my two sponsors, OA and CoDA, are healthy (healthy enough - and enjoying life)
*Windows ajar and fresh air coming in through the trees
*Hope
*Sales at the supermarket
*Friends, irl and online
*The Smart Board in my classroom
*The course I'm taking to learn how to use it better
*That I got to read my Buddhist Five Mindfulness Training aloud today (which is a condition of staying in Thich Nhat Hahn's Order of Interbeing)
*That I got to read it with J.
*That I'm going to cook 2 good things right now
*That I can see MA or St later
*That I can see M Monday - I'm not only not gonna be alone and lonely all weekend; it will be a challenge fitting in my cleaning! Maybe Mon. I won't go - because doggie won't be invited, and I'd hate to leave her alone anyway:)
*God not deserting me

I Must Thank You, God

I really suffered this week, Father. But - I feel much better now. And I thank you and praise you.
I think you have helped me.
And you have also helped me to keep doing the next right thing, including visiting my mother, showering and putting on a little makeup and nice clothes etc. each day, doing my best for the children, doing the shopping, not eating junk food, walking to and in the park with doggie, etc.

There was a bit of relief last night. I didn't feel "up to" visiting my mom after school, but I did it.
I didn't feel "up to" meeting my CoDA sponsor who is my friend, to have dinner and do some work on step 2. But I did it.

Then this morning, I felt so down. And thought, even though J was bringing the dog and would see me, I would just stay in the disgusting sweatpants with stained, ill-fitting, ugly(!) sort or ripped summer shirt in which I slept last night, with my dirty hair clipped back, and just say I don't feel well.
But besides him seeing me that way, I knew if I stayed in that mode, I might well not come out of it for the whole 3 days.
So I just did one small thing. I loaded the dishwasher and started it.
That felt a little good so I cleaned the counters. That felt a little good so I took a shower. While I was in there, I shaved and I washed my hair. Then it was like, Well if I've gone this far, I might as well dry my hair. Well if I've gone this far, I might as well put on a little makeup. Well if I've gone this far, I might as well put on nice clothes and shoes.

So I took my mother to the bank and shopping, and felt better walking around that way than I would have the other way!

And then I saw J, and while he was here he fixed the toilet - thank you, J!
And I gave him coffee and we had a nice little friendly chat and that felt so good too. In person it's so different than where I let my mind take it from e-mail or phone...

And then, because doggie's here, I thought, Well I should change right now and get her to the park. And I did!
Which also meant *I* got a good walk!

And God, I think you were behind through every single one of these small steps.

And I spoke on the phone with M and St and MA.
And I have some plans for my weekend - but will not leave doggie alone a lot.

I love you and praise you, Father, and I thank you that I am able to take these steps today, and that although I have some anxiety and depression and fear, I also have some relief.

Thank you, and I'm so glad I didn't give up.

Amen.

I'd Better Do Some Gratitudes, Oh God Help Me

I am grateful for these things (and more but can't type much still):

my health
water
protein
memories of happy times with J
sleep
breath
hair
hands
eyes
feet
work
clothes
friends
roof over my head
trees
butterflies
flowers
doggies
giraffes
my mother's still alive
hope when there is hope

Dear God

Dear God,

Thank you for JJ and EJ and Birdie.
I don't know where to turn.
What is wrong with me?
Is it grieving?
I have a shrink, I have a sponsor.
I am so so miserable.
I wake up every morning so sorry I woke up.
God, I won't hurt myself; I know you don't want me to.
But you can't mean for me to live like this. To feel like this. You can't.
I'm starting to lose my faith in you.
You let people live and be tortured in concentration camps. How can especially my Jewish friends believe in you.
Maybe you don't care. Maybe you don't bother to help. Maybe you're not there.

God, if you're there, I can't really take this pain much more. Show me. Help me. I'm begging you.

Dear God

I need your help, God. Please.

Dear God

Dear God,

My stomach feels like it has fallen out of my body. Every morning to some extent.
I put my hope in You, for a future for myself.
Please help me today, to not overeat, to be good to the children, to see my mother, to get something out of my therapy session, to get enough sleep, to feel better than this.
Please help J. Yes, I mean that. Help him for him.
Also, bring him to you.
Also, please bring him to me.

God, please help me.
And help me to live in a state of gratitude.

Thank you for:

-enough money to live
-my job
-my brain
-my legs
-interesting dreams
-friends
-that M. got what she needed and wanted for so long
-a home
-my mother
-that I was so cheerful for my class yesterday
-everyone who helps each other
-my sponsor
-Your help

Amen

Dear God

Dear God,
Thank you that I finally got the garbage out in time.
I'm worried about my thumb, which seems to be starting to get worse again.
Thank you for the great activity from M, that I think my class will love.
Thank you for enough warmth last night.
Thank you that J was decent in yesterday's e-mail.
Please help us.
I feel your help. I've begun to feel it - for me. Since Saturday when I decided to work more and more on *me* not us. And last night again with the e-mail and some sleep and enough warmth.
Thank you that the bathroom electricity works again.

Please, God, keep me healthy; help me be nice to my mom today; help me give the kids a good day.
And please, heal me, heal J, and heal our marriage. I can't help but ask.

Maybe I needed to learn to take care of myself - the self you gave me.
And maybe I need to be reminded how much I love J and missed him when he wasn't here years ago before we were married. Maybe these are lessons for me?
I'm learning them, truly.

I say all of this with full heart.
Through Jesus Christ, amen.