Improving My Life Now: May 2014

Saturday, May 31, 2014

And Here Is My "Work +" Report

I was VERY VERY embarrassed to admit the things I did in today's first journal entry. Mice droppings etc.

But A said that I was making much too big a deal. That just clean up and will feel better.

So here is what I accomplished today:

kitchen
sunroom
d.r.
den
bathroom
birdcage

now laundry is in and dinner is cooking

Tomorrow will be

another load laundry - for linens
clean lr.
clean dreaded bedroom
shop for mom and self
pay her bills and mine
MAYBE make pot of chili or something. not an emergency...

ok. that's
good.

Great Memory As I'm Working

quick break - maybe 12 minutes -
great memory!
of the YEARS when I worked MORE (a job PLUS a part-time job too!) and still did everything every week.
It was a non-negotiable.
I didn't even THINK of not doing.
It just WAS.

In fact, I can remember my schedule!

Laundry was Thursdays after work for linens, and Friday after work for clothes.
House cleaning was Fridays after work. Took 2 1/2 - 3 hours, depending on how tired I was and how quickly I was moving.
I do not remember when I grocery shopping, but probably Sat am?

And everything I used, I just put in its place that's all!

Every evening prepared a little dinner and ate it. No big deal! Brought sandwich or salad or leftovers to work each day for lunch.

And that was GOOD.
I started each weekend with clean house and laundry and ready for date Sat afternoon, Sat eve, and or Sun all day (and overnights with J).
I felt GOOD.
Not overwhlemed because things were DONE.

Is much easier that way.

Great memory.

I'm GONNA get that back!!

and the quick story for after the other entry

a million years ago, 1st husband and i had a boat. 26 feet with cabin sleeps 4 indoor outdoor motor. wood.
one summer WE sanded and painted it ourselves!
he and i and one friend (male)

it was sweaty hot hot hot like over 100 degrees
blacktop at boat yard
hose off!
NO water source!
gas stations closed on sundays at that time!
we were dying!
got SO bad even threw SLUDGY river water (oily slick back at time) over selves because desperate! and rationed drinking water...

it was hard
gritty
sandy
gross
hot
physical labor
hours and hours and hours
by hand
not even a little sanding machine

i had never cared for the boat so much -
liked some things about having it -
didn't care much one way or other - was his thing

but
after that i loved that boat so much
for all the rest of the time!
i knew every inch of it and
had worked so hard on it!
loved it ever after

maybe that will happen with house.
and even with self.

the end

Ok. So. Here it the fuck IS

I am so far down.

FINALLY got off butt and started cleaning up my act.
So just since then this very afternoon

-- Just got call from outside cleaner. Way behind on bill.
Haven't paid any of May's bills either.
House pigsty.
Every day putting immediate emotional need before what has to be done. Except for students, which I do, and for mother as is necessary.
And working on weight yes.
But house needs million things.

--J. was at mother's doing her pills. I am very grateful for that. But how come he can do that but never see me although said wants to?
     About J - I THINK - as did my dr. that it is not aobut ME, but about how he FEELS about SELF around me (or married to anyone probably, at this point).
     Then again, I know what I WISH I'd done differently. So much. So much.
     Back on the other hand, I did what could with what I knew then.

-- Did pay off mortgage finally, after big mistake when thought it was paid last year in Nov but wasn't.
   But HAVE paid it.
   Neighborhood changing. Cheap neighborhood. And I should leave. But never even finished making it good. And worth so little. And took money out (for J years ago). Have been so bad with money.
   On the other hand, I do own it, and that is better than not, and it isn't like there is gunfire on the streets.

-- Tv is breaking. I don't want to deal with it. And no others because floor guys cut cables and J never fixed and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.
On the other hand, that's why there are handymen. Right? And maybe I should take a loan, so J. can't get money I NEED to fix this place. I wanted to say fucking place. But it is my home. Trying to be more positive.

-- And, oh God, found mouse turds in the kitchen. Fuck. My own fault. And what if they are nested in cellar with piles of old mildewy clothes....
   Again, clean and get handyman. Is doable.
   But reminds me of the time before married when was so desperate about these things. Oh God, am I just all the way back there?
   Then again, nothing to do but face or deny. I shall face and move forward.

Maybe my changes - my story - will be an inspiration to someone else... I hope so.

God, Universe, help me. I believe You are.
Amen.

Truth is...

3 - 4 big setbacks today in circumstances.

But the truth is -

It doesn't really matter how far I've fallen.
It ~matters~ that' I'm getting up again!

And same for *you!

The Magic May 31

May 31

I The Secret:

I have more than enough time.

I have more than enough energy.

Today I meditate and walk or if raining do exercise in the house. I eat real food and I straighten the house, every room. And I organize the mail and/or pay my bills.

Count your blessings. Make a list of ten blessings. Write why you’re grateful. Reread your list, and at the end of each blessing say thank you, thank you, thank you, and feel as grateful for that blessing as you can.

I am truly blessed to have my physical health,

because I just went to the corner for coffee and didn’t have to think twice through any of it. The walking to the kitchen, being able to see and use my hands and determine I’m out of coffee (brain) and make and drink a cup of tea. Than get dressed and get in car and drive and walk into story and pour and cover and pay and come back and park in driveway which is almost too narrow for car. Came up, put things away and sitting and sipping and swallowing coffee now. The weather is GORGEOUS and I was able to breathe it in and experience it. A touch cool with a breeze; trees in leaf; leaves and grass and flowers all around. Lovely!

All of that, all of that health involved in simply getting and having a cup (2) of coffee.

Wow.

Very grateful!

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am so happy and grateful for my IMing conversation with A this morning while coffeeing and gratituding, and facebooking etc.

because I am not lonely and alone fully during it.

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am truly grateful for my dear birds singing,

because it is the most beautiful sound. It just IS to me. I have always loved birds. My father bought me two little books when I was about 10. One was about Trees and one was about Birds. Because he knew my love for both. The sound of birds is so beautiful to me. Always has been.

And here they are, in my own home, singing.

Also, it lets me now they are healthy ad fine.

And they have each other.

Thank you thank you thank you!

With all my heart, thank you for dinners and movies with gfs,

because it is always better for me to do than not do.

And – they like it too!

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am truly blessed to have MA and A both doing things in their homes that need to be done,

because of course I’m glad they’re getting them done, but also, because it helps ME to get mine done, I think...

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am so happy and grateful for my ability to read,

because not only of all the practical reasons (driver’s test, work, etc) but because I can read for self-help and for my book club which adds to at-work relationships and less loneliness and more shared experience.

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am truly grateful for the book The Magic, and the book The Secret (and in between the book, The Power,

because I am changing in happiness and better for others too.

Thank you thank you thank you!

With all my heart, thank you for humor,

because it is good for me to laugh and to lighten up.

And it is good for others (and me?) that irl I am apparently very funny. Good!

Thank you thank you thank you for humor and all who share it!

I am so incredibly fortunate and lucky and grateful for my home,

because I worked SO hard for it! Went through a divorce and lyme disease nad double pneumonia and 4 accidents and over a year out of 3 in bed and got a job, a second job, then a better job and a master’s degree with a 4.0 while much of the time no car or bathroom electricity or refrigerator. And bought this house having never written a check. By myself.

And it is mine. Little, needs work, neighborhood changing, not worth a lot of money AT ALL, but MINE!

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am so incredibly fortunate and lucky and grateful for my letting the birds out so much so much,

because they need their freedom! I am so glad they get it as much as possible!

Thank you thank you thank you!!!

Thank you thank you thank you!

III Remember The magic by counting the blessings of yesterday and writing them down. Ask yourself the question: What are the good things that happened yesterday? Scan the surface of yesterday until you feel satisfied that you’ve remembered and written down all the blessings of the day.

1. I went in positively

2. Made a fantastic schedule for them! Stellar!

3. We enjoyed so many things!

4. Looked cute, colors

5. Little IM with A

6. Good foods.

7. Big salad for lunch.

8. Meeting was fine.

9. Had great experience with the story telling work.

10. Very nice am meditation with them.

11. Took a real break at break time.

12. Called MA.

13. She was busy but I came straight home and chilled.

14. And did NOT eat badly.

15. And had a moment – that moment – when I felt – I am fine inside myself. WOW!

16. Nice talk with mother who always says “I love you. Very very much.” I am SO grateful for that!

IV Happiness for others who have what I want.

1. I am so very grateful that M has a nice house that’s in order and pretty and people coming in and out a lot.

2. I am excited and happy and grateful for MA that she has plenty of money for the rest of her life including the expensive place she is going to live!

3. I am very grateful for St’s health and family and happiness!

4. I am very happy that Ma. Has a happy marriage!

5. Very happy for J that he gets to walk 2 x a day for long time in park with doggie

V Health (affirmations as well as current truths)

1. I am so grateful blood sugar is good

2. I am so delighted that weight is good

3. I am beyond happy that my eyesight is tremendous!

4. I appreciate so much my immune system, which is so strong!

5. Thank you thank you thank you for my circulatory system

6. I am so fortunate for my ability to swallow! Thank you thank you thank you!

7. Very very grateful that I can breathe so well! No more inhalers here! Thank you thank you thank you!

8. My digestive system is perfect! Thank you thank you thank you!

9. I am so happy that I can hear people and non-human animals and music and even tv and even the click of the online jigsaw puzzles. Thank you thank you thank you, Ears!

10. I am beyond grateful for my heart and lungs. So fortunate for perfect health in both! Thank you thank you thank you!

VI J.

1. J, I am so grateful that you are at my mother’s right now doing pills and visiting! Thank you thank you thank you!

2. J, I am so grateful that we are thinking about a possible together. Thank you thank you thank you!!!

3. J, I am so grateful that I know I am good for you! Thank you thank you thank you!

4. J, I am so grateful that you are finding yourSELF which whill help too! Thank you thank you thank you!

5. J, I am so grateful that we’ll get to spend a little more time together soon too! Thank you thank you thank you!

6. J, I am so grateful for the b’day dinner you took me to! Thank you thank you thank you!

7. J, I am so grateful for the care you take of doggie. Thank you thank you thank you!

8. J, I am so grateful that you have her for you, too! Thank you thank you thank you!

9. J, I am so grateful that you are as good as you are with money! Thank you thank you thank you!

10. J, I am so grateful for every meal you ever prepared for me! Thank you thank you thank you!

Thank you thank you thank you!!!

Thank you thank you thank you!

Friday, May 30, 2014

The Magic May 30

May 30

I am truly blessed to have http://higherperspective.com/2014/01/16-things-know-true-havent-quite-learned-yet.html,

because every one of them is good for me (and us all I believe).

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am so happy and grateful for ) Ninety-five per cent of my happiness comes from having a home, a functioning body and something to eat. I live in utter luxury, by any sensible standard of what “luxury” is. If I am unhappy it’s because I’ve lost perspective about the other five per cent.,” from that above list because it is true. And I am very grateful for the home, body, and available food!

Because these are TRUE luxuries.

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am truly grateful for my appreciation of my body again and determination to care for her ,

because it is a beautiful way to live.

Thank you thank you thank you!

With all my heart, thank you for people who help animals,

because the abuse of animals, dog fighting etc, HAS TO STOP!

Thank you thank you thank you!.

I am truly blessed to have become an educator and to be one every work day,

because I am contributing something important to the future and to freedom.

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am so happy and grateful for this day and hope and new starts,

because you never know what will happen that will be wonderful!

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am truly grateful for spinach, chard, and kale,

because they help my emotions as much as my body.

Thank you thank you thank you!

With all my heart, thank you for http://themindunleashed.org/2014/04/7-ways-better-listen-intuition.html,

because it is also very helpful.

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am so incredibly fortunate and lucky and grateful for us pulling off that nice surprise yesterday,

because making people happy is a great good thing, AND it is good for kids to do it too!

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am so incredibly fortunate and lucky and grateful for this weekend,

because I am GOING to clean this house! And then, I can start making progress toward getting it fixed!

Thank you thank you thank you!

2. Remember The magic by counting the blessings of yesterday and writing them down. Ask yourself the question: What are the good things that happened yesterday? Scan the surface of yesterday until you feel satisfied that you’ve remembered and written down all the blessings of the day.

1. Turned it around for the kids, who were SO BAD the day before! But I managed to turn it around!

2. Started day differently than ever before.

3. And they responded.

4. Laughed with others.

5. Great talk with mother and again she said, “I love you. Very very much!” That meant so much to me.

6. Nice meditation practice am with kiddies.

7. God food for birds.

8. We gave a great surprise to someone yesterday. It was so nice!

9. And I went in with someone else on a nice thoughtful gift.

1. J, I’m grateful for the kitchen you put in. Thank you thank you thank you!

2. J, I’m grateful for the walls you painted in every room! Thank you thank you thank you!

3. J, I’m grateful for your teaching me that other people need and deserve and will love the thrill of discovery too. Like at the animal habitat where I found the animals and a family was struggling to and I was going to show them but you pulled me aside and said, “Remember how great you felt whe you discovered? Let them too.” I have used that many times since, AND taught it too. Thank you thank you thank you!

4. J, I’m grateful for the date with had and the next one we will have! Thank you thank you thank you!

5. J, I’m grateful for all the laughter omg the thousand tons of laughter! Thank you thank you thank you!

6. J, I’m grateful for all the food help you gave me on every diet, weight watchers, oa, and cooking. Thank you thank you thank you!

7. J, I’m grateful that you are trying to find your own self! I WANT you to have that! Thank you thank you thank you!

8. J, I’m grateful for the help with me and my breathing and heart connected to mother’s when she was so ill and all you did for her in the hospital! Thank you thank you thank you!

9. J, I’m grateful for all that you still do for her! Thank you thank you thank you!

10. J, I’m grateful for all you do for doggie! Thank you thank you thank you!

11. J, I’m grateful for your help with all animals! Thank you thank you thank you!

12. J, I’m grateful that you introduced me to tai chi and through it, mindfulness. Thank you thank you thank you!!

Thank you thank you thank you!

didn't Post May 29? Here it is

I am truly blessed to have this day. Every new day.

Because each is new, each is another happiness and another chance for happiness, more surprises, and a chance to do better and to be a better person.

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am so happy and grateful for the reading improvement I’ve given these kids,

because it will serve them well always.

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am truly grateful for my ability to read

because it has MOST times brought me comfort, escape a few times, and education a lot, and interest and even fun, and a lot of lif-help.

Thank you thank you thank you!

With all my heart, thank you for my being able to enjoy reading again a little now, after second time in life (and for a long time) not being able to,

because I missed it so much.

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am truly blessed to have never ben the victim of a violent crime (and never committed one of course),

because that must be so awful. I am very lucky.

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am so happy and grateful for life and breath,

because life brings new opportunities every day and easy breath makes life so much better!

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am truly grateful for hope and belief

because they keep me going and spur me on.

Thank you thank you thank you!

With all my heart, thank you for compassion,

because I would rather even err, on the side of compassion than against it.

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am so incredibly fortunate and lucky and grateful for the light later in the evening now,

because it is better than depression of cold and dark!

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am so incredibly fortunate and lucky and grateful for inspirational quotes,

because not only do they help, but they even show that we are all int his and more alike than unalike and others have gotten through… There is a comfort in that.

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am very very grateful that I can be lighthearted. I feel it doesn’t show in today’s grats but I am sometimes able to be lighthearted and am so grateful for THAT!

Thank you thank you thank you!

1. Nice chat with K.

2. M wants to see me this weekend

3. I did the check and the 2 letters including the J for Ma one. Phew

4. Felt better after speaking with him a moment too

5. Had salad

6. Really happy in my chat with mom

7. Did Magic Rock practice. Love it every night.

8. The kids were horrible. Extreme. But I was safe and mostly not overstressed. And did what was right for them.

9. I slept

10. I dreamt

11. I was able to stop everything at a certain point and just chill

12. I helped my aide with her family problem. Supported her…

13. Birds flew

14. And had greens

15. I felt so grateful after all that gratitude stuff in morning. It stayed with me a lot

16. I gave new toys to the kids

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

The Magic May 28

May 28

I am truly blessed to have these thoughts/ feelings of strength lately,

because I have needed them all my life and am finally having them. And they are building. More and more. More frequent and more deep. Yay!

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am so happy and grateful for French, my love of that language, my French teacher, my French books, and my studying better now,

because it is mindful for me, because I enjoy it so, because it gives me pleasure, and because bonus – it is good for my brain and I feel it, this learning of something new.

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am truly grateful for my health,

because every minute of life that I enjoy, I enjoy more because of my health. My health also allows me to care for the birds, to laugh with friends, to have hope for the future, and to teach well and do all the things I need to do.

Thank you thank you thank you!

Thank you too for my appreciation of my body and my good feelings in it lately. And for my looking at the next 5 on the scale, as a sort of general thing like “aim high in steering,” and just knowing I will get to that. And then the next one.

Thank you thank you thank you!

With all my heart, thank you for my eye doctor and eye drops,

because I can see!

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am truly blessed to have the love of M and of MA in my life,

because they truly know who I am and love me. And I am not alone.

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am so happy and grateful for all I do for my mother,

because it is good for my conscience, it helps her, and because I have had closeness with her for so many years and decades, when for a time in my twenties I thought I never could.

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am truly grateful for my compassion,

Because if I HAVE TO err, I would rather err on the side of compassion than the opposite. We all need compassion imo.

Thank you thank you thank you!

With all my heart, thank you for this gratitude practice.

Because it started years ago with 5 a day, then 10, then 100. Now it is fewer but deeper. It has grown and changed and is really helping my life right now that I spend this time in the mornings on it. And even although not in writing, throughout the day.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

I am so incredibly fortunate and lucky and grateful for the better weather,

because I intend to be outside more.

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am so incredibly fortunate and lucky and grateful for smiling more,

because I am. And because as I put more of these positives into my mind and heart, I smile more and still more. And it is coming naturally to me.

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am so positively grateful for facebook and all the positive posts that add to me and my life.

Thank you thank you thank you!

1. I had just enough coffee. On a morning without quite enough sleep and in no mood to make more. Perfect!

2. Breakfast and great ride to work

3. Nice chat with my aide (classroom aide)

4. Happy with students; they were happy.

5. Had a break in the morning

6. And did some French during it.

7. Adored the French!

8. And later, felt am really making progress with it now too! Yay!

9. Got assessment work done

10. And beginning of report cards

11. Gardening was fun even.

12. Felt for a time, whatever J. wants, I am fine. I have and will have a good life

13. Took the whole time off after work. NO obligations. Will do today. It all was able to wait a day and I really did need rest

14. Slept.

15. Some bad dreams but one that was lovely and I even awakened to my own happy chuckle out loud : )

16. Did my “Magic” practice in am

17. And my Magic Rock practice in pm.

18. Great ride home

19. Tires fine

20. Plenty of gas

21. Food

22. Water

23. Smiles with co-workers

24. And little jokes

25. Did some great creative work with kids in afternoon.

26. They LOVED my reading to them too

27. I KNOW I have helped these kids

28. And one of the neediest ever, has come SO far. Oh my gosh! She has bloomed! Academically and socially and self-esteem and leadership and risk-taking. YAY!

Thank you thank you thank you!

III My Health and Weight

1. Thank you, Heart for beating perfectly for me!

2. Thank you, Lungs, for taking in oxygen and circulating it for me

3. Thank you, Blood, for being clean and pure and circulating oxygen and nutrients for me

4. Thank you Throat and Esophagus, for swallowing for me

5. Thank you, Stomach and Intestines, for getting me nutrients and eliminating waste products.

6. Thank you, Eyes, for seeing the beauty and wonders of the world for me!

7. Thank you, Ears, for hearing the sound of happy children, of birds singing, of friends’ love, of the French language, of music, of phone call talks, of all of life for me.

8. Thank you, Muscles, for enabling me to walk, talk, drive, type, write, read, see, stretch, sit, stand, close and open eyes, --- everything! Thank you thank you thank you!

9. Thank you, Skin, for being healthy and beautiful and protecting me! Thank you thank you thank you!

10. Thank you, Eyelashes and all hair. I appreciate you for being protection and for being beautiful too. Thank you thank you thank you!

11. Thank you, Body, for aiming more and more toward the PERFECT weight, and getting there day by day!!

Thank you thank you thank you!

IV J.

1. Thank you, J, for loving me for so long!

2. Thank you, J, for even taking care of me so much for so long!

3. Thank you, J, for enjoying ourselves together for so long!

4. Thank you, J, for considering us now!

5. Thank you, J, for the time we spent together this March!

6. Thank you, J for still doing so much for my mother!

7. Thank you, J, for taking such good care of doggie!

8. Thank you, J, for the help buying my piano!

9. Thank you, J, for the laughter!

10. Thank you, J, for the great sex for so long!

Thank you thank you thank you!

V My Home

1. Thank you, that I have a home

2. Thank you, that I have a roof

3. Thank you, that last night when I awakened sweating and unable to get back to sleep, I was able to put on air conditioning! What a luxury! Thank you thank you thank you!

4. Thank you that I have laundry in my house. (And that I did it the other day and do it every week). Thank you thank you thank you!

5. Thank you that I have places to sleep (bed and couch). Thank you thank you thank you!

6. Thank you that I have a tv. Thank you thank you thank you!

7. Thank you that I have yards and trees and grasses (not lawn lol, but grassy stuff and I love it). Thank you thank you thank you!

8. Thank you that I have cellar so don’t have to see clothes hanging and drying up here. Thank you thank you thank you!

9. Thank you that I have windows to see nature through them! Thank you thank you thank you!

10. Thank you that I have wood floors. Thank you thank you thank you!

11. Thank you that I have a fireplace. I haven’t used it since got the birds, but thank you anyway for real! Thank you thank you thank you!

12. Thank you that I have a stove! Thank you thank you thank you!

13. Thank you that I have a fridge! Thank you thank you thank you!

Thank you thank you thank you!

Thank you for the concept of Enough.

Thank you thank you thank you!

VI Classroom

1. Thank you that I have a piano in my classroom! Thank you thank you thank you!

2. Thank you that I have banners colorful and lovely up high, that J. put there. Thank you thank you thank you!

3. Thank you that I have kites J. made and hung. Thank you thank you thank you!

4. Thank you that I have a SmartBoard. Thank you thank you thank you!

5. Thank you that I have computers. Thank you thank you thank you!

6. Thank you that I have a nice desk J got for me. Thank you thank you thank you!

7. Thank you that I have this class. Which was promised to be my worst ever, but I love them so. Thank you thank you thank you!

8. Thank you that I have legos and Lincoln logs for them. And they use them and love them! Thank you thank you thank you!

9. Thank you that they office gave me the good strong pencil sharpener after all these years. Thank you thank you thank you!

10. Thank you that I get enough money to spend for supplies each year. Thank you thank you thank you!

11. Thank you for my aide this year. How wonderful it has turned out to be.

Thank you thank you thank you!