Affirmations

My life is perfect! Life is perfect! The earth is perfect! All is healing, peace is coming! I am healthy! I am happy! God is taking perfect care of me! The universe is taking perfect care of me!

Feelings

I feel: Peaceful Excited Happy So so happy to be here with L. So so grateful for M telling me to JUST EnJoY! 5 good things about me: 1. I got him to do some gratitudes - twice now, plus he's been thinking more that way 2. I am deep 3. I am thoughtful. Much moreso than used to be 4. I take such better care of my body 5. I am a good friend to my friends, I think

Grats - and here are the rest: )

53. I am grateful for my skin 54. And my tongue 55. And my eyesight! 56. And eyelasses 57. And sex 58. With L 59. L I am grateful for the realization that I am, um, my consciousness is part of the fabric of the universe 60. Ch I’m grateful for last night at the Mex. place 61. With L, S and J, and the other friends and the new person 62. L I am grateful for not being kicked out of the vegetarian place 63. I am grateful for having a pushy friend like S to force us to do yoga – No – but I am grateful for S 64. Ch I am grateful that S loves L 65. L I am grateful for Ch’s soft and sensuous touch 66. L is now taking his shower, and I am finishing the gratitudes: I am grateful that he is tactilly gifted 67. And for this goop thing from the science museum; it is so pretty watching it 68. And that I think he is really trying to be romantic with me 69. And that he commented on my new, pointy, sling-back red shoes “sexy” 70. And that T, the woman next to me, who was VERY stylish, said SHE’D been noticing them too! 71. And *I * think I looked ssxy last night. Not slutty, but sexy. There IS a difference 72. The gorgeous – gorgeous – music that just came into my ear. He has turned it on from upstairs (after asking if I’d mind. Mind?!) 73. That he has speakers in literally every room 74. I love being here. I am SO grateful for that! 75. That I *think * I shall be able to have S and J over for dinner at my house one day soon… Somehow. 76. I am grateful that tonight we are going to a wonderful vegan restaurant, where I’ve never before eaten, but have wanted to 77. And that I sat next to Ka yesterday, and we got to talk a bit 78. And will have lunch together soon 79. That she is a person of such high values 80. And that she is in a happy relationship! 81. And has a darling daughter!! 82. And gives to others. 83. And makes an impact on the children. Her teaching definitely has a perduring effect – they may just change the world. 84. Pianos 85. Wine 86. My ENT and how he helped me those times during the no-voice crisis months 87. Little doggie, I miss her so. I DO believe I will get to see her soon. 88. And that I tried to last week. 89. And in a way, that I didn’t – (hard to say goodbye) 90. That J is being decent to me right now, may it continue 91. *That I am going to a Broadway show tonight! 92. With L! 93. And S and J! Two couples! SO excited about this! 94. Coloring. Yes, really. 95. I am grateful for every flower that grows in the ground 96. And that I have gone to England! 97. Alone! 98. And for my little hotel room there. 99. And for my friend, JA 100. I am so grateful – so grateful – for my life. 101. And that I do so appreciate it now!

Grats

We are grateful: April 28 1. Louis bought me tulips 2. And they are pink with white edges and so beautiful – yay 3. L that we have nice weather and the rain took care of it mid-week and we have beautiful weather for today 4. That Wiwaxia and come to know Ch and vice versa and feel comf. With each ot. And far diff. speciies and time – geological eras 5. Ch My hands – 6. Ch Reiki 7. L I am gr. To have a house, to be able to welcome Ch in 8. Ch that I’m so comf in Ls lr 9. And in his bed 10. French 11. L that a 2-headed dragon did not invade the house and try to cause disruption –oh wait – cancel that last one out – look at this – it’s a two headed dragonb 12. Ch I’m grateful for L’s humor 13. I’m grateful for soft fabric 14. And soft legs 15. And that L was touching and massaging my leg this morning. That felt so nice. 16. L I am grateful to have a liposomal vit C packets to alleviate my … 17. Ch Biomat – AND that there is also room on the bed, NOT on the biomat. I have choices 18. Ch – L kisses – oh oh oh L-kisses 19. L Gee I’m grateful that I have no physical handicaps, like B. 20. I’m grateful that I don’t live in a 3rd world country like Afghanistan, and being subject to the cruelties of the world 21. I’m grateful for my good friends, by whom I am surrounxed 22. I’m grateful to have Ch in my life 23. Ch That L has “magic wand cure-healing tools” – he cracks me up 24. That L is honest. And I can trust him 25. My breath 26. My voice. I remember when I didn’t have it 27. L I’m grateful that when ferric ammonium sulfate, when mixed with sodium ferro cyanide produces a deep blue solution, without which we may not have some of our blue pens or blue colored clothing 28. Ch I’m grateful for mindfulness – and for the lessons I gave the 4th graders in looking deeply into an object, 29. And that they began coming up with all sorts of things like the man who invented it, and his mother… It’s like seeing the cloud in your water 30. My car 31. L I am grateful for having discovered the Big Bang Theory, the tv show 32. I am grateful for being able to discover fine wines 33. Ch I’m grateful for finally realizing wine with a long finish 34. My car 35. Deep breaths 36. That I can walk 37. Access to plenty of fresh, clean water! 38. Trees are in leaf 39. My oak tree out front 40. L’s pantry 41. That L is enjoying a piece of chocolate right now 42. That L will save me from yoga today – I hope – maybe he will 43. That L is my hero 44. L’s lips 45. Parks. I’m grateful for parks 46. Swimming. I’m grateful for swimming 47. That soon I *might * let L hear the *other * music I like 48. That L. discusses interesting interviews with me 49. And that he is going to lend me a book this weekend 50. And that I awoke to wonderful, marvelous kisses 51. I am grateful for my spirituality 52. And that L has promised to try meditating with me for 10 minutes. He said, “If wine is involved,” but we’ll see 53.

Affirmations

Trees give us plenty of oxygen. The earth is regenerating. There is so much hope. I am fine. We are all fine. Peace is coming. I am happy. I am a full person. I am whole. I am healthy. I am happy. All is good!

Feelings Work

I feel: Nervous. About getting everything done. About money. About J. About the house. About energy. Grateful. For everything from my eyesight to my weekend plans. Jittery about today, getting everything done, getting to L's safely, being good enough. Happy. About our weekend plans. And that he DOES really care for me as well as I care for him. So happy about the wind blowing through my gorgeous oak tree outside. So good physically. And, down another couple of pounds. Excited about my new clothes. Nervous about my mother. Very very happy about mindfulness. 5 good things about me: 1. I appreciate nature. 2. I don't eat animals. 3. I don't wear animals. 4. I am self-honest. 5. I am pretty compassionate. Always want to be more so...

Readings

For Today: "The foundations which we would dig about and find are within us, like the Kingdom of Heaven, rather than without." Samuel Butler "My resources are within. If I stand still, and don't panic, they will come to me. Terror may strike and I can live with it, going on about what I am doing. i do not have to act on every thought; feelings need not paralyze me. Each time I do what I have to do, I become stronger. When I face indecision, I ask God for an intuitive thought, a direction. It is inspiring to realize that, apart from nature, all that is good and beautiful in this world has come from human inventions and discoveries. What solutions are within me? For today: To find my own strengths, I put aside the rigid ideas and prejudices that limit my thinking. -- Voices of Recovery "True comfort is to be found in the balance and sanity of abstinence. So deep and pure is this comfort that it is well worth whatever trouble or pain I might have to pass through to attain it." For Today p. 253 "Abstinence brings such peace and freedom to my life. It brings the simplicity of being able to wear anything in my closet, of not wanting to lie when I have to list my weight on my driver's license. The years of insomnia and nightmares are over because abstinence gives me the courage to be a person I respect and like, the integrity to align my actions with my values. So when the seas of my life get stormy, I remember the phrase, 'Abstinence is a lifeboat. Stay in the lifeboat.' My disease used to tempt me into thinking being abstinent 'made me' feel the pain. Today, I understand that the more uncomfortable my feelings, the greater the freedom I'll experience by walking through the situation abstinently. Now the time and energy I spent running is available for experienceing joy. For today, I treasure my abstinence. -- In This Moment: "In This Moment, I look in the mirror and see myself. It never occurred to me to make amends to myself while looking into a mirror, as the book Co-Dependents Anonymous suggests. Before CoDA, when i looked in a mirror, I saw a person, but I never saw myself. A friend in my Step study group mentioned doing a Fifth Step in front of a mirror. When I did, I touhed some of my self abandonment, self-neglect, and self-abuse issues. The transformation was amazing, I saw me, who i really am, and I fully accepted myself. What a powerful experience. -- The Language of Letting Go "Letting go of the Need to Control The rewards from detachment are great: serenity; a deep sense of peace; the ability to give and receive love in self-enhancing, energizing ways; and the freedom to find real solutions to our problems." codependent No More Letting go of our need to control can set us and other free. It can set our Higher Power free to send the best to us. If we weren't trying to control someone or something, what would we be doing differently What would we do that we're not letting ourselves do now? Where would we go? What would we say? What decisions would we make? What would we ask for? What boundaries would be set? When would we say no or yes? If we weren't trying to control whether a person liked us or his or her reaction to us, what would we do differently? if we weren't trying to control the course of a relationship, what would we do differently? If we weren't trying to control another person's behavior, how would we think, feel, speak, and behave differently than we do now? What haven't we been letting ourselves do while hoping that self-denial would influence a particular situation or person? Are there some things we've been doing that we'd stop? how would we treat ourselves differently? Would we let ourselves enjoy life more and feel better right now? Would we stop feeling so bad? Would we treat ourselves better? If we weren't trying to control, what would we do differently? Make a list, then do it. Today, I will ask myself what i would be doing differently if I weren't trying to control. When I hear the answer, i will do it. god, help me let go of my need to control. Help me set myself and others free. ==

Gratitudes

I am grateful: 1. That I’m not in the classroom today. I’d rather be, in most ways, and love the kids, but it’s good to have a change sometimes. 2. That the kids moaned when I said I’d be out. 3. And then asked could I not go do the scoring 4. And then asked if I could move to third grade with them 5. And then, when I kidded, “No, I can’t. But I COULD leave you all back,” they said, “Yes!” 6. And this was just about everybody, not one or two kids! 7. L’s voice at night. How he changes it *immediately * when I’m ready to sleep, and I love our good night phone calls. 8. That I do as well as he in Jeopardy. That surprises me so much. 9. That this weekend I will have TWO nights there! 10. And see S and Jo twice too! 11. That I took my mother to dinner yesterday 12. We had Thai. Neither of us liked it. She’s decided she doesn’t like that restaurant, and I will just go back to the way I usually order next time, but I’m glad we went 13. And we had a nice enough visit. 14. And she was VERY glad that we had time together. 15. I’m grateful that the kids were so happy Wed and yesterday 16. And that our states song is going so well, with both classes 17. And that M had that great idea about the poem-in-your-pocket extravaganza yesterday 18. And that she shared it with me 19. And that I said yes – it was awesome 20. And then when she “put me on the spot” to sing my poem to Over the Rainbow, on the spot, for the two classes, I did 21. And it was beautiful 22. And everyone thought so! 23. And then they did their thing and it went great! Great! 24. And that later, with the buddies, I was on the phone with some phone-carrier “emergency,” and L, the other teacher, was fine with that! 25. That I straightened out the phone thing 26. And now have more minutes 27. And – it is only in my own name, too. 28. That these bills should ALL be taken care of by Sunday night 29. Mexican vegan food soon 30. And a major restaurant I’ve always wanted to visit soon too 31. And a Broadway show! 32. And a vegan group 33. And a birthday of Jo’s. Nice. 34. Ir, and the lessons I’ve learned from that 35. Soft hands today 36. Soft lips yesterday 37. Such good physical feelings yesterday. 38. Including a different one in the morning from the afternoon 39. And that one last night in bed on phone, as if a big dark black hole all around but me just so very cozy. 40. That S understood that I cannot let him tell me the stuff about … because I must be above board and when it’s time, he’ll tell me himself. 41. The time I went away with the 23 women 42. And that I drove the whole way 43. And back 44. That I went to London! 45. Alone! 46. And loved every minute (except the meltdown, but that worked out great too) 47. Prayer 48. Reiki 49. Meditation 50. That I do not have to do the yoga tomorrow 51. Mothers 52. Fathers 53. My father, the angel that he was 54. M 55. Her girls 56. Ji for her lessons to us all about internal okayness 57. Je for her lessons to us all about lack of shyness 58. Both for their lessons about being self 59. That I can be self with L 60. My sponsor 61. And that I *don’t * have to call til Tues because is away - nice break too 62. Eating better 63. Losing weight. And I believe, more to come 64. All those Masses when I was little 65. The sound of my radiator in my bedroom when I was little 66. My grandmother’s ceiling when I was little and sister and I would sleep over 67. The 5 Mindfulness Trainings 68. That M will read them with me every month 69. Me and l on his computer room floor. So comfy. Blankets, and him on top of me 70. Blankets 71. Pillows 72. Comforters 73. His foot massager thing 74. Good food 75. Good wine 76. Good girlie beer 77. Good manly beer for him 78. His water. Quadruple filtered, and ozonated, with sort of citrus drops in it. So fresh. So clean. Amazing. 79. That I’m smart enough. 80. Jo, our computer person. I love her. 81. That I was born in America 82. To parents that valued education 83. And a father that really wanted his daughter to go to college 84. And that they paid for my private college! 85. That I bought my own house 86. That was so hard. But I did it. Despite ALL the hardships! 87. I’m BEGINNING to start to toy with believing that I can get this place fixed up. 88. That my financial person will come by today for me to sign the thing 89. L’s kisses. I’ve never experienced anything like it. 90. My phone call with M this morning 91. A little spending money 92. Firemen 93. Little-dog 94. The lessons I’ve learned from her about living 95. And the lessons I learned from M (earlier Little-dog), about kindness and gentleness. 96. That I’m feeling less guilty 97. My principal. I love her. And I’m so glad for that 98. Breakfasts 99. Coffee 100. A bed. 101. And that L finds it comfortable

Affirmations

I am good enough I have enough I am enough I enjoy this moment I enjoy every moment! I LIVE every moment! Life is great!

Feelings Work

I feel: Good Not so well physically, but happy. Worried about my eyes. Unsettled by the dream, and about J. Happy about L. Happy about my upcoming weekend. Happy that some people DO want to meditate with me at school! Happy to be living more in the moment. And not reading so much junk. 5 good things about me: uh oh. um. 1. I am sexual 2. I am affectionate 3. I am literate 4. I work on myself 5. I enjoy more than I used to

Grats

I am grateful: 1. French. French French French French French! 2. A day. THIS day. 3. That I feel that way! (no. 2) 4. M 5. L 6. That my digestive system works 7. That I gave my kids such an amazing day yesterday. 8. That they were happy! 9. And they were learning! 10. And they were working! 11. And – they were behaving! Well, not in art, but yes for me. 12. That I actually TOLD them, “The last 2 days some of you – although very good children – have made some bad choices. And we’ve talked about that. And we’ve talked about what you need to change.” They’re nodding, they’re nodding. “But I didn’t talk about what *I * need to change. I went home last night and thought, ‘Well, I’m in that room too. If things aren’t going well, *I * have some of that responsibility…’” It was lovely 13. My mother’s example of being honest with children in this way 14. Am SO looking forward to this weekend 15. And it is so wonderful to be looking forward toward the weekend 16. or toward anything at all 17. math – I was kind of phobic about calculas, and even algebra, and certainly trigonometry. But I’ve always been great at teaching math to elementary students! 18. High-level discussions 19. Jeopardy 20. My nightly phone-during-Jeopardy date with L 21. That I can be myself – the nerd I kind of am. I couldn’t with J… 22. My friend K 23. Dreams. Very unpleasant one last night, but it told me something. 24. Health! Health health health. So grateful for health! 25. My sponsor. I can’t talk to ‘til Tues because sponsor away, but so grateful for my sponsor. 26. And that some days off from, too! : ) 27. Pillows. When you think of it, what luxury a pillow is! And to have more than one! 28. Joy 29. Honesty 30. Honest people 31. Eleanor Roosevelt 32. Helen Keller 33. Annie Sullivan 34. DVDs 35. Onemorestory.com 36. That I know the person who started it 37. Food. To have enough food. 38. Peanut butter 39. That I have a drawer of stuff he munches on for L 40. For Today 41. Voices of Recovery 42. In This Moment 43. The Language of Letting Go 44. That I am able to have afforded to buy all these books 45. Princess Diana 46. That things usually work out. 47. Emails 48. L’s kisses. I have never experienced anything like them. What a delightful surprise at this stage of my life. 49. Jo, our computer tech person and someone with whom I’d like to be better friends. 50. Le invited me to lunch yesterday 51. And we went 52. And had a nice talk and very nice time 53. And she treated! 54. And that I paid the tip. 55. Emoticons 56. Good books 57. My poem to read if anyone stops me today (Poem in Your Pocket day) 58. The amazing poetry filling the halls – all done by students 59. The clear visual of Kindergartners’ writing next to 4th graders’ – it shows what we accomplish together, the students and teachers (and parents, of course). 60. E-mailing my French teacher yesterday. As much in French as I could (as per her request). 61. Telephones 62. Cell phones 63. Texting 64. Oh my gosh, such wealth! iPhone 65. My car 66. Mazda – love that make 67. That I’ve had Mazdas for like 16 years or something 68. My job 69. That someday I will retire 70. MAYBE I’ll have enough money… 71. Soon this nightmare with J will be all obver 72. That I can read 73. And that I am helping others to, too. 74. That I am DECIDING whether to give Jo that present for her birthday. 75. That I decided to NOT let S tell me things about L. when L wants me to know things, he will tell me. 76. That L and I trust each other. 77. And can. 78. Wearing a little makeup some days 79. My new 5 tops 80. And 2 pants 81. And 2 skirts 82. And dress 83. And shrug 84. My Harrod’s jammies 85. And little “silky” robe. 86. That I can walk. I am so grateful for that 87. That I saw O last week. 88. And it went so well 89. I think I’ll be going to a very exciting concert soon. 90. Coffee 91. Cinnamon 92. Coconut milk 93. Mug 94. Cup 95. Saucer 96. Plates 97. Smaller plates too 98. Glasses. Need more, but have some: ) 99. Towels 100. Soap

Readings

For Today: "Doubt is part of all religion. All the religious thinkers were doubters." Isaac Bashevis Singer "Sometimes I have trouble believing what is in front of my eyes, let alone what I can't see. Though I no longer doubt my Higher Power, I have periods when I feel its remoteness. Through the pain and fear of these episodes, my faith in the reality of God in my life has grown stronger. However bleak the 'dry spell' I am passing through, I know that I have not been abandoned. The grace that saved me before is still there and will be revealed in God's time, not as a result of anything I do or fail to do. For today: As always, I remain abstinent, accepting things as they are and reaffirming that I have placed my life in God's hands. -- Voices of Recovery: "What would I like such a power to be and to do in my life? . . . Then we began to act as if such a power existed and we found good things happening to us as a result." OA 12 & 12 p. 14 "At first, the question reminds me of something mystical, like a child wanting his or her dream to come true. I believe that something magical does happen when I believe, trust, and act in faith that God will take care of me. It is difficult for me to let go, wait, and 'act as if.' I want to look at things logically, and I need to see that two plus two equals four. I want it now, and I want it my way. It's very difficult for me to do the footwork, turn it over, and allow God to take care of the results. The times when I allow God to do this magic are when miraculous things begin to happen. -- In This Moment: "In this Moment, I trust myself. In my childhood, breaches of trust seriously impacted my self-esteem and ability to trust my gut instincts. I grew up thinking I was supposed to trust others automatically. When others broke that trust, I was confused and upset. I wondered what I had done wrong to cause them to be dishonest. I've learned in CoDA that I'm not responsible for others. People need to earn trust, and some people just aren't worthy of trust. I let go of relationships with people I can't trust. Today, I choose to share my life with trustworthy people. -- The Language of Letting Go "Resisting Negativity Some people are carriers of negativity. They are storehouses of pent-up anger and volatile emotions. Some remain trapped in the victim role and act in ways that further their victimization. And others are still caught in the cycle of addictive or compulsive patterns. Negative energy can have a powerful pull on us, especially if we're struggling to maintain positive energy and balance. It may seem that others who exude negative energy would like to pull us into the darkness with them. We do not have to go. Without judgment, we can decide it's okay to walk away, okay to protect ourselves. We cannot change other people. It does not help others for us to get off balance. We do not lead others into the Light by stepping into the darkness with them. Today, God, help me to knoH that I don't have to allow myself to be pulled into negativity, even around those I love. help me set boundaries. Help me know it's okay to take care of myself. ==

Grats

I am grateful: 1. My mother 2. That I will take her for Thai food tomorrow night 3. That I was given permission to miss the book course yesterday. I hadn’t read the book because too painful (children with cancer) and a number of people hadn’t, and that was fine. 4. Good new book I just bought. 5. Non-fiction and higher level, which I like! 6. That I can even buy a book 7. I bought clothes yesterday! 8. 2 pants 9. 2 tops 10. 2 skirts! 11. 2 tops 12. a dress 13. a shrug 14. 6 pair of shoes! Wow! 15. And I remember when I was too phobic to even do the shopping without J 16. And later, without O 17. And after that, without St. Oh, thank you, God!! 18. The saleswoman at the clothes store was SO lovely. SO helpful. SO accommodating. 19. And gave me the plastic hangers 20. And because no pants/skirt hangers, even gave me some wooden ones! 21. My clothes are 4 sizes lower than they were at my heaviest. 22. And this must be good for my health. 23. Museums 24. Planetariums 25. Outdoor sculpture gardens 26. Museums/planetariums that have “Astronomy Day” 27. Good books 28. Gas for my car 29. My car 30. Nice stores between work and here (home) 31. Beautiful tree-lined drives 32. People. Yup. 33. EJ. SOOOOOOO loved hearing from her yesterday. 34. iPhone. What a great and non-pressured way to take photos! 35. My kids. They were *horrible * yesterday AND Monday. But I realize it is up to ME to turn that around! 36. M. And all her amazing ideas for the kids 37. That today’s For Today is exactly along the lines of what Thich Nhat Hanh taught me! 38. Nice talk with M on the phone this morning. 39. And she says she will read aloud the 5 Mindfulness Trainings with me EVERY month! 40. And she even OFFERED to MEET ME in person before school (she’s at another building today) to do it! I said no, but she offered. So nice. 41. That I can walk! 42. That I can talk! 43. Sitcoms. Really. 44. Chimps 45. Dogs 46. Gorillas 47. Monkeys 48. Dolphins 49. Trees in buds and leaf 50. Gonna be paying own bills. Scared, but can. And will. This very next time. 51. Je 52. Ji (M’s kids) 53. And that we are close 54. Affirmations 55. My morning spiritual work 56. That L says will try meditating together. Because I CANNOT skip those 2 days every week! Or “fit it in” before/after. It must have more importance and more importance in time than that. I’m glad he’s willing to try. 57. That if he doesn’t try, or doesn’t like, I will do by self. 58. Walking outside in the springtime 59. Inspirational quotes 60. Computers 61. Dancing. I love to dance. 62. Our new book for the book course, which SEEMS like it won’t be as difficult emotionally as the last two. 63. Laughter 64. K, who has helped me so much and we are equal friends. 65. ML and all the life-skills I’ve learned from her 66. St and her lightheartedness 67. That I don’t need the shit I needed when “needed” J 68. That some stuff is coming up, through my relationship with L 69. That I can work it through with my dr 70. That my dr comes today 71. Vegan event coming up! 72. And lunch with friends! 73. And dinner out with friends! 74. And a play! So many amazing things coming up 75. And in some weeks, an amazing concert! 76. Texting 77. Phone working (last Friday night it wasn’t) 78. My lawyer. God bless her. 79. People who keep confidences 80. Pink. I have come to appreciate that color. 81. M buying me that bright pink keyboard cover! 82. Me thinking I CAN use it after all (yesterday it seemed sort of pushed on me and – bright) 83. People who are nice to each other. 84. Like Li, at meetings 85. My French homework. Enjoyable so far 86. French. French French French French French. And that my teacher told me I must do the homework to MEMORIZE these things! (Duh, why didn’t I think of that?) 87. That I just did some French homework this morning : ) 88. That I really do think I will have to fit in DAILY exercise 89. And DAILY piano 90. And DAILY French 91. Am nervous about schedule, but am SO GRATEFUL as this is a very good nervous to have! 92. And grateful that am aware of that 93. Can see 94. And hear 95. And smell 96. And taste 97. And drive 98. And think 99. And breathe on own 100. And speak

Affirmations

God made me. I am good. I am learning and growing and becoming better all the time. I am good enough right now for right now. I am loveable. I am happy. God is taking perfect care of everything. The Universe is providing perfectly for me. All is well and wonderful!

Feelings

Frantic - well, that's oversaid but still SO MUCH TIME EACH am on phone with M Plus MA needs me Plus all my spiritual work Plus my emails to L NEED MORE MEDITATION! So much pressure at work Stomach hurting right now Can't even remember what ate last night... Worried - J, money, time, fat, L and am I good enough - which is very sad and I will work on TODAY with my dr. Too many demands on my time, energy, mental facilities (that one work) But VERY grateful. For ALL those things in grats. Plus more. Feel kind of like laughing, also. So so so grateful that shopped yesterday without a friend. And kind of spring carefree. Yay And DETERMINED. DETERMINED to give those kids a good and easier day with them behaving, today.

The Language of Letting Go

"Finding Our Own Truth" "We must each discover our own truth. It does not help US if those we love find their truth. They cannot give it to us. It does not help if someone we love knows a particular truth in our life. We must discover our truth for ourselves. We must each discover and stand in our own light. We often need to struggle, fail, and be confused and frustrated. That's how we break through our struggle; that's how we learn what is true and right for ourselves. We can share information with others. Others can tell us what may predictable happen if we pursue a particular course. But it will not mean anything until we integrate the message and it becomes our truth, our discovery, our knowledge. There is no easy way to break through and find our truth. But we can and will, if we want to. We may want to make it easier. We may nervously run to friends, asking them to give us their truth or make our discovery easier. They cannot. Light will shed itself in its own time. Each of us has our own share of truth, waiting to reveal itself to us. Each of us has our own share of the light, waiting for us to stand in it, to claim it as ours. Encouragement helps. Support helps. A firm belief that each person has truth available - appropriate to each situation - is what will help. Each experience, each frustration, each situation, has its own truth waiting to be revealed. Don't give up until you fine it - for yourself. We shall be guided into truth, if we are seeking it. We are not alone. Today, I will search for my own truth, and I will allow others to do the same. I will place value on my vision an the vision of others. We are each on the journey, making our own discoveries - the ones that aer right for us today." --

Readings

In This Moment "In This Moment, I take my inventory. Lots of times I focus on other people's faults. It's easier than facing my own. Today, I'm taking my own inventory. Often, I find it hard to speak up for myself. i let other people control me. I have put their peace of mind ahead of mine. my peace of mind is important to me. i have to do what's bets for me. I have said, 'No, thank you.' And, 'I have other plans.' And, 'That's not good for me right now.' Life is too short to live any other way."

Readings

Voices of Recovery: "If abstinence is not first, I will lose it. Everything that interferes with it must go." OA 2nd edition p. 171 "When I read this idea, I often bristle. Wait a minute, I think, God has put many roles in my life. I'm a wife, mother, sister, friend, employee. I have a home to run, family to coordinate, job to manage. Surely, it is God's will for me that I use my energy, time, and talents to fulfill these obligations. if I put abstinence first, it could be at the expense of some other important activity. If I pray and meditate in the morning, my children will have to fix their own breakfasts. If I go to a noon meeting, I won't be able to run an office errand during my lunch break. If I take the time after work to call my sponsor and take calls from my sponsorees, my husband may need to start dinner. I have come to realize over my years in program that if i don't do these activities that support and maintain my abstinence, I may lose my abstinence. If that happens, I will become the pitiful, unattractive, unhappy person I was before coming to OA. My loving family and friends remember that person and willingly share tasks that free me to do those program activities that maintain my abstinence. We all like the new me better than the old me. God bless them and me as I continue to make abstinence the most important thing in my life. Without abstinence, I have no life. --

Readings

For Today: "We honor ourselves and our friends when we can tell them how we feel." Theodore Isaac Rubin "Expressing my feelings, especially the negative ones, does not come easily. I want people to like me. I prefer to please rather than anger or upset a friend. There are some things, however, that are not worth the price i have to pay for them. Like all progress, willingness is all it takes to learn how to deal with emotions such as anger in a way that harms neither me nor others. By consciously FEELING my anger, rather than acting as if it isn't there, I am actually expressing it, even if only to myself. From this beginning,I can go on to learn how to express my true feelings to others. For today: Being honest and open with friends and family is a sign of growth. -

Readings

For Today: "Solitude is bearable only with God." Andre Gide "I can keep busy, work hard to keep solitude at bay. There comes a time, however, when i am alone with myself. When I feel the presence of my Higher Power, I let my thoughts wander into shadowy crevices, unafraid, and I learn much that I did not know before. I experience truths such as, 'Fear has been a fact of my life.' Felt as a fact, it no longer seeps into every facet of my existence, and i am no longer its victim. Without solitude, I would not have seen that truth. Without the company of my Higher Power, I could not venture into solitude, a place devoid of distraction, where I am face to face with myself. For today: in conscious contact with God, I easily face what I cannot bear to look at otherwise." -- Voices of Recovery "...God loves us in our totality and is willing and able to help us in everything we do . . . God will help us with every decision, even food choices and amounts." Wow, nice. "Some of the most powerful tools in our 'kit of spiritual tools' are the simplest. Our job is to open the toolbox and use one. asking our higher Power to feed us is one of those simple, yet powerful, tools that never fails us if we reach for it. I know that God would never hand me anything that would harm me oe poison my life. Only the disease does that. only the disease tells me that poison is a treat. If I pause and ask before i make a decision about food or amounts, there will be a loving, peaceful space created in my day, and I will intuitively know what and how God would feed me if invited to do so. And when I listen and follow through with this sure guidance, that loving, peaceful feeling follows me throughout my day, and I know that I am loved, guided, and guarded always." Oh my, I think this one is positively profound! -- In This Moment: In This Moment, i stand my ground. "My boundary has been violated. What do I do? It took all the courage i had just to set it. I spent hours in support groups to find the courage to state it. i found my power. i spoke my truth. I stated my limit. I trusted God. Now; someone is stomping all over it. Can i stand my ground? This is a test: Can i defend my boundary now that I've stet it? Oh yet! With my Higher Power's help I can. This is 'walking through the fire.' There are gems of wisdom to be found in the ashes." -- The Language Of Letting Go: Opening Ourselves to Love "Allowing ourselves to receive love is one of the greatest challenges we face in recovery. Many of us have blocked ourselves from receiving love. We may have lived with people who used love to control us. They would be there for us, but at the high price of our freedom. Love was given, or withheld, to control us and have power over us. It was not safe for us to receive love from these people. We may have gotten accustomed to not receiving love, not acknowledging our need for love, because we lived with people who had no real love to give. At some point in recovery, we acknowledge that we, too, want and need to be loved. We may feel awkward with this need. Where do we go with it? What do we do? Who can give us love? How can we determine who is safe and who isn't? How can we let others care for us without feeling trapped, abused, frightened, and unable to care for ourselves? We will learn. The starting point is surrender - to our desire to be loved, our need to be nurtured and loved. e will grow confident in our ability to take care of ourselves with people. We will feel safe enough to let people care for us; we will grow to trust our ability to choose people who are safe and who can give us love. We may need to get angry first - angry that our needs have not been met. Later, we can become grateful to those people who have shown us what we don't want, the ones who have assisted us in the process of believing we deserve love, and the ones who come into our life to love us. We are opening up like flowers. Sometimes it hurts as the petals push open. Be glad. Our heart is opening up to the love that is and will continue to be there for us. Surrender to the love that is there for us, to the love that people, the Universe, and our higher Power send our way. Surrender to love, without allowing people to control us or keep us from caring for ourselves. Start by surrendering to love for yourself. Today, I will open myself to the love that is here for me. i will let myself receive love that is safe, knowing i can take care of myself with people. i will be grateful to all the people from my past who have assisted me in my process of opening up to love. i claim, accept, and am grateful for the love that is coming to me." -- Love Is the Way. Thich Nhat Hanh, on my calligraphy from him. ==

Anybody know about Blogger?

My post-page is so different now. And everything comes out all smushed. ? Thank you

Grats

I am grateful: 1. Life 2. Breath 3. Voice 4. A glorious weekend last weekend 5. The mall with L. 6. Lunch – artichoke – at The Cheesecake Factory 7. Dinner – at the place where L had salmon and I had a veggie thing. So nice 8. The wines together 9. That he wrote, “Luvya dear. Another glorious weekend.” 10. That some people at work do want to meditate together at work. 11. And I will do this with them 12. And for them 13. And for me 14. Jigsaw puzzles. For the kids 15. M (my friend) 16. Jo (my friend, colleague, computer person) 17. That I get paid for sick days 18. That I get a few personal days too, with pay 19. I am underpaid, but I get those days and am grateful for that 20. That I serve on the math committee 21. Ji 22. Je (both M’s girls) 23. Kisses 24. Sex 25. Orgasms 26. Prayer 27. Multi-dimensional life 28. Reiki 29. Meditation 30. Thich Nahn Hanh 31. That I’ve never been attacked violently by a stranger 32. That I’ve never been in a fire 33. That I have health!! 34. And eyesight! 35. And water! 36. Kindness 37. This idea, the name of which I forget, about the more an idea is out there, the more it multiplies. Will find out more about it, from book(s) and/or L, next week! Very exciting! 38. Math 39. Globes 40. Atlases 41. Teaching Math 42. Teaching geography 43. Teaching reading 44. The note I got from a kid’s parent yesterday. He is years past my class, but mom wrote and said he still loves reading, and *I * was the one who made that change. 45. My lessons from T, the child who died years ago 46. And from Le, the young man who had formerly been my student, who was killed. 47. That I haven’t been picked when I had to go in for jury duty. 48. That I went to London! 49. Alone! 50. S 51. And Jo. I am so glad they are in my life. 52. MA 53. That I might see her Sunday 54. Vegan thing this weekend 55. And Jo’s birthday 56. And JA 57. And that I might see her next week. What wealth I have – friendships!! 58. That I have a fridge 59. That I pray first thing upon opening my eyes every morning now 60. And that it is a prayer of gratitude! 61. Followed by an offering of myself/my day! 62. That I get along well with my principal 63. And pretty much everyone at work 64. That L is coming with me to the staff party in June! I’m so lucky. 65. That we have couple friends. 66. Life is so much more normal now, than it was with J. 67. Who would have thought it? I’m grateful that I hung on! 68. A wonderful (!) French lesson yesterday! 69. Piano recital a month later. Maybe I *can * play in it after all… 70. My lunch with O last week 71. Big concert date coming up in May! I’m excited! 72. L’s libraries – he has too. (They’re not “real” libraries; they’re “extra” rooms, filled with shelves of books.) (Not to mention the books in his l.r. and bedroom. So wonderful). 73. That he lends to me 74. That I am careful with them. 75. That I am feeling SO MUCH better than I was! Even a couple of months ago 76. And have lost 20 pounds in two months. 77. And am eating! 78. And moving! 79. That I can walk 80. And have two wonderful, functional hands. 81. My mother 82. That I’m taking her to dinner Thurs. 83. J’s help with bills – (doing, not money). I should be on own after today 84. That I’m getting together the info lawyer wants. 85. Cups and saucers 86. Mugs 87. Today’s coffee: mixture of hazelnut and espresso, with cinnamon and coconut milk. So good. 88. That my intestines work 89. And my stomach 90. And my esophagus 91. And my saliva 92. And my teeth 93. And my swallowing. I remember when my mom’s didn’t. I’m so lucky to be able to swallow 94. That Jo’s b’day is Saturday, and the two couples will be together. 95. St. Her friendship, her example, her fine mothering of her boys. 96. That *I * have inspired some people. Wow! 97. Parties 98. Get-togethers 99. Fun 100. Word puzzles/games.

Journal

Letter I wrote in email to L, but decided not to send. It's TOO MUCH! Putting it in Journal instead. Will do grats and readings... later on. -- Good Morning My Dear, May I share? ***Am writing this passage after finishing the rest; have come back to do so. I feel much better having written these things. Don't waste time reading it when don't have time. If have time later, can read. Mmmmmmwah -- 1. Mary Allen. Biggest fear has always been suffocation, long before she'd heard of this disease or had any problems with her lungs. And she now feels that's how she will die. Wishes euthanasia were legal. Almost wishes some friend would help her out when the time comes. Of course I could never. I simply couldn't do it. But feel bad about that. After all, if it were legal could I? Perhaps not, since I can't even take the life of an ant but I'm not positive (IF it were legal). I did do it for my dear Mona (doggie - with vet). Also, I fear for my friend. And for my losing of her, little by little already, my best friend for well over 20 years, And that she's not even up to meeting you. She is a love; she is a top teacher - I know NONE better; she is a wordsmith; she is so so so bright; she is funny and irreverent. You are all these things too, and I know you would really enjoy each other. She even said, "I wish he had a 75 year old brother." I said I do too, for her. ***I *know* that death is part of life. I *know* that she still might have up to 5 years of some kind of quality, though diminishing. And I *know* that we have to accept these things. I am also aware of the arrogance of even expecting I'll be here that whole time. Of course I probably will be, but how we have such definite expectations... 2. My mother was not so well yesterday. Tired very early. Seemed distracted/stressed. It was unsettling. Brings up fear of losing mommy, also little by little, having already started. And anger that still can't tell her (John has a lot to do with that, as does my fear). And hurting for her. And feeling guilt. ***Again, *know* this is part of life. But why~~~ 3. John asked me if I'd "changed something at the bank." I said no what did he mean? He said he went to use *his* credit card to pay 2 things - both innocent - one was even my mother's life alert thing that has always "come out of his credit card," and it "got bounced back." I said I didn't know why and didn't do such a thing. Then I remembered: when I went to pay the bills online for the first time last Tuesday, there was no password. It wasn't in my notes from John. So I made calls and they finally told me to just change it right there with them on the phone, so I could get back in (after getting my private info from me to verify my identity). I did so. ***I didn't even give it a thought as to it being changed "from" John. After all, why would he be needing it...? Well, later that evening, I realized: He's been paying those things - on *his* credit card - from *my* checking! He has 20 thousand dollars (of mostly my money) in *his* checking! Use that! ***I *know* I have done my best in this John situation. And I have a good lawyer. And all I can do is do my best and then move on... I am interested in gentle and noble things, and really dislike this kind of garbage. It is hard for me to even face it. But I know I must. Can't wait for it to be past. I am so glad I have a lawyer, and a good one. I have used Thich Nhat Hahn's advice this morning and it is helping! But I'm not practiced enough to not have a little bit of nagging about these things. Fear is useless and all three situations, I think, are washed with fear. So I will *gentle* my fear and be fine. So thankful for this technique. But appreciate opportunity to get this stuff off my chest. Thank you for being there. -- Meanwhile, let's both have a joyous day:) My kids will be working on US States puzzles a little bit this morning. They'll love that! -- And now, a piece about the stupid government and testing. Excerpted straight from our superintendent's weekly letter Friday. You can't make this stuff up: "You may or may not have read yesterday’s Daily News coverage of the recent grade 8 English Language Arts test on which there was a reading passage about the pineapple and the hare. The written piece was a somewhat satirical version of the ancient fable The Tortoise and The Hare that ended with the mobile animals in the crowd eating the immobile pineapple. The author was subsequently asked to reveal the meaning of the passage; he commented that it was mainly supposed to be absurd and that he never would have chosen to use it on any test. Nonetheless, Pearson (the test-maker) asked the test-takers to muse on its Significance and to extract literal meaning where neither students nor adult readers could find any. Mainly, the whole point of the thing just seemed to be about being silly and stupid. "...to my view, the main point of the whole experience is that standardized tests are created by people; people are fallible; and the tests are therefore imperfect. The specific situation is only one small example of why it’s a mistake to impute more meaning to these kinds of measures than they actually have – which is what we’re all being required to do." -- Lastly, I need to meditate *every* day. Saturdays too. It is so good for me. Sort of against these kinds of things (above). But also *for* joy. Really a joyous practice. So I need to make the time on Sat. and Sun. which I've been skipping. Want to be involved? Even for 10 minutes, which does make a difference? Wanna try it a few times and see if you like it? Or should I fit it in *around* us... Either way~ -- Mwah mwah mwah Feeling much better now for having written this. Am now on phone with spiritual guy. Should go concentrate. Sending hugs, kisses, and caresses across the breezy rain to you. ==

Grats

I am grateful:

1. Last night was magical.
2. L was very affectionate
3. And romantic
4. And loving
5. And so happy to be with me
6. As I was with him
7. The composer was there.
8. L chatted with him
9. And I asked if I could take pictures
10. And he said yes
11. I got beautiful pictures of L with a composer he has admired all his life
12. The conductor – this was probably literally his best performance ever
13. I knew I would liie the weeknight date
14. And being with L
15. And the “event”
16. But I thought I might not like the music. But I *loved * it
17. It was magical. And L’s word: spellbinding. Yes.
18. And I touched him all night (lightly and appropriately)
19. And he love it
20. And so did I
21. And he did same
22. And I loved it
23. And so did he, I think
24. Waiting for my car to come and get me – warm, sharing, touching, kissing. SO nice
25. Him helping first driver get there
26. Our dinner. Expensive! Shocking to me! But he was so gracious about it.
27. And it WAS delicious
28. And healthy
29. Even the first second we saw each other, and hugged
30. And my ride home. The driver was so friendly and nice. I love that car service.
31. And even just that I had a safe trip home.
32. And down.
33. And I did manage to sleep some.
34. L and I were in a box seat, and had our socks and shoes off.
35. It was nice
36. And he would cover my foot with his…
37. And he loved the way I looked. Said sexy.
38. He seems to love most when I’m some degree of dressed up, and not obvious, but femininely sexy. And I’m grateful for that because that’s what I love most too!
39. And for O, who did so help me feel and look like a woman again. She’s such a good friend.
40. Like my little pocketbook last night. When I shop for pocketbooks, O still helps me. And says in her beautiful Russian accent, things like, “Horrible.” “School-marm.” And finally, “That one’s cool. Buy it now before you change your mind.”
41. And I will probably get to have lunch with her today! Yay: ) (During the summer it’s easy, but during the school year, our work schedules are opposite and we rarely get to see each other.)
42. I am so happy that I’m happy
43. And my principal. I love her
44. And I think she loves me too
45. And yesterday, she told me I am an inspiration
46. And she made a point of saying that a number of people have come and said that to her!
47. Including young ones
48. That I give them hope.
49. And about meeting someone too.
50. I am so grateful. “God, thank you for bringing me to this place.” It is a prayer my sponsor just taught me (we talk on the phone every morning for 15 minutes). He said it in Hebrew, I think, and I must learn that beautiful pronunciation too.
51. Composers
52. Conductors
53. Musicians
54. Symphony orchestras
55. My piano
56. My piano lessons
57. My piano teacher
58. Bach
59. That I played Bach for my children (students) yesterday.
60. And they LOVED it
61. And kept saying, “I never knew you could play so fast!” So cute
62. That little A keeps hugging me now, since what I did for her the other day
63. And that little W, with the really difficult mother, is so happy. I’m so grateful for that.
64. That the composer got to hear his work so beautifully performed last night.
65. Open-minded musicians. As the conductor said in the pre-concert lecture, (grateful for the pre-concert lecture
66. And that L asked a question
67. That he said, “Musicians are not fun people. It was HARD to come out of the box and march, and whisper, and do things differently…”
68. The woman who sat next to us in the box
69. We had such nice chats
70. And she made a good joke to me (that a bit sounded like Rosemary’s Baby!:)
71. And L wanted to know what was funny
72. And I told him
73. And she was SO smart and experienced about the music and he was CLEARLY enjoying discussing with her and I knew nothing but he doesn’t care!
74. I can be and am, totally myself.
75. The weather looks great for this weekend
76. M
77. And that she is doing well
78. My skin
79. That I am healthy. SO grateful for that
80. Buddhism
81. Meditation
82. Mindfulness
83. Teacher appreciation luncheons
84. That my children are becoming so capable
85. And thoughtful
86. And nice
87. And understanding. Oh, I am so grateful for that!
88. Ellen DeGeneres. I like her innocent kind of humor
89. Riddles
90. Jokes
91. That I have been to cultural events.
92. I saw Judy Garland at the Palace (I was a little girl)
93. And Andy Williams
94. And Johnny Cash
95. And June Carter Cash
96. And Steve Martin
97. And Michael LeGrand
98. My French lessons
99. That I have done homework this week!
100. That I will sleep with L, here or there, tomorrow night!
101. That he is coming to the school party in June! Yay: )
Thank you, God, for bringing me to this place. Thank you so much.

Affirmations

I am a person
I am a human
I am a woman
I am full
I am complete
I am whole !!!~*~*~*~*
I am good enough
I am happy
The Universe and God are taking PERFECT care of me!

Feelings Work

I am a bit NERVOUS, I admit
About L
I am concerned that he is inconsistently romantic
Very very much for example this Mon and Tues, less so Tues night and yesterday...
I am also AWARE that i should not be so obsessed
And am working on that with dr AND by keeping my OWN things - piano, French, friends, . . .
I am also AWARE that we are in the movie stage and as my dr agrees, the discovery stage so SOME of the excitement is due only to that and I really DON'T know what's under it all.

But I DO have strong feelings for him in terms of infatuation, romance, sex, kissing omg like no one else on earth can possibly be capable of kissing, love of his integrity (!), enjoying his brain and enjoying his humor, having great times together, and sharing some wonderful things in common

EXCITED about tonight

GOOD about self in terms of things I'm doing

GRATEFUL in a million ways!

5 good things about me:

1. I am smart
2. I am funny
3. I never give up. Never have.
4. I am able to enjoy myself! (Yay - able again!)
5. I am a positive role model in many ways.

Grats

I am grateful:

1. Today’s For Today
2. Today’s Voices of Recovery. I REALLY needed that!
3. Shampoo
4. L
5. M’s feelings about L
6. This movie stage of a relationship – it’s fun
7. I’m going into the city tonight!
8. And being taken to dinner!
9. And to a concert!
10. My journey. Wow. I can’t believe I said that.
11. The strong light in the den.
12. So much birdsong lately
13. That I can see
14. That I can walk.
15. That I can taste
16. That I can smell
17. That I can touch. Really. All these things.
18. L in bed. After all those worries, we are having a great time in bed. Yay!
19. Sh
20. K
21. Me
22. Le
23. G
24. N
25. M!
26. Even D, to some extent
27. P
28. A
29. Li a little
30. T
31. Ch a little
32. Jo a lot
33. Ma
34. MA a little
35. A a little
36. P
37. Ma a tiny bit but still
38. M – other M, a lot!
39. L’s house. Even though it’s cluttered, the bathrooms and kitchen are clean, and I feel very comfortable there. Could not live there as is (well, would rather not – could not is severe) with the hanging wallpaper… but am SO comfortable visiting him there.
40. His haven of a bedroom
41. That I’m losing weight
42. And have a lovely skirt to wear tonight!
43. My “Reiki” ring
44. K
45. St
46. MA
47. ML
48. S
49. O
50. God
51. Buddha
52. Thich Nhat Hahn
53. My freedom of speech
54. My freedom of religion
55. My freedom to have the education I want, as much as I want
56. My freedom to have the job I want
57. My freedom to drive
58. My ability to drive
59. My car
60. My little house
61. That it’s all mine
62. That L is comfy here
63. That J can’t get my house! He would if he could and that hurts so much
64. That he is TRYING to not “have to” take so much money from me
65. My great lawyer
66. That I paid a bill yesterday. And that helps me believe I really can do it. I used to, I know. But the online thing is tougher for me
67. That J is going to show me that this weekend with ALL the info I need, this time!
68. My hotel in London
69. That I was really there
70. Both flights
71. That I did that by myself!
72. And planned it by myself!
73. Even that I had the courage to ask for the two days to do it!
74. That I was able, THROUGH MY OWN HARD WORK(!) to afford it!
75. My principal and her support just now
76. And same with school psychologist (it wasn’t about me; it was a parent’s problem)
77. The other parent, whom I am (appropriately) helping. I’m grateful I’m doing that – it will only benefit the kid
78. When I turned to my aide yesterday, because I felt like I’d been cranky, and I said – softly! I thought no one else could hear(!) – “I’m a horrible person.” And an angel girl in my class came up and said, “No you’re not, Mrs. __.”
79. When Lu called out during come-to-the-dismissal rug time yesterday, “I love you, Mrs. ____.”
80. The poem little E wrote about me.
81. That it said I sing beautifully (spelled more like buoteful)
82. And that I know a LOT of math
83. And that math is REALLY important. So cute
84. That I showed it to L and he appreciated it and wrote to me, “Yes! Ms ____is MY favorite too! : )” That’s the first time I’ve seen him use a smile emoticon thingy!
85. That I washed my hair this morning
86. And I *think * it’s going to look great tonight.
87. That I’m here on time
88. That it is rainy so maybe we’ll have indoor recess, which would feel good to ME today! : )
89. That my kids are doing better in every subject!
90. And enjoying reading
91. And I got R to admit something the other day – without harassing her – it was her first admission-
92. And helped her feel so good about it
93. And the other kid, A, who confessed of her own hysterical volition that she had done something dishonest – I’m SO proud of how I handled that!
94. And she hugged me yesterday – first time!
95. That I got permission to tell that parent what I want to tell that parent
96. And great suggestion about HOW to say it
97. Nature centers
98. Sanctuaries
99. Morning has broken
100. And the song, “Morning Has Broken”

Readings

For Today:

"Pride is the mask of one's own faults." Hebrew proverb

"Pride was my protection; it kept me from seeing myself as i was. But my refusal to look at my defects also kept me from accepting myself.
Does pride still stand in the way of my recovery? Is there a righteousness in me that says, 'Do it my way'? Today, i do not take credit for my abstinence. I do not criticize friends, colleagues, family members and fellow OAs for doing things differently from the way I do them. Today i see self-righteousness as a form of phony respectability - a wall behind which glaring defects can hide.

For today: How grateful i am that OA gives me the understanding and support I need to uncover my faults."

Voices of Recovery

"As difficult as it is to shed old habits, I keep remembering the relief and freedom and joy that came the first time i tried abstaining one day at a time and not worrying about what would happen tomorrow." For Today, p. 293

"I really wanted recovery from compulsive overeating. I attended meetings regularly, began working the Steps and got a sponsor, but still the gift of abstinence eluded me.
I heard 'one day at a time' repeatedly, but my suffering continued. Then one night my Higher Power spoke to me about 'not worrying about what would happen tomorrow."
That was my first day of abstinence. God took my worry; I received his peace. now I could understand what living one day at a time truly meant.
God, thank you for the gift of today. i am grateful for the freedom, relief, and joy I now feel.

In This Moment

"In This moment, I am enough.

"I am the sum of all my yesterdays. I am this moment's thoughts, actions, and feelings. I relish being in the moment. i thank my Higher Power for leading me to the CoDA program and showing me a path out of insanity. The love I feel for myself and others fills my heart and my soul. I am enough.

Accepting Cahnge

"The winds of change blow through our life, sometimes gently, sometimes like a tropical storm. Yes, we have resting places - time to adjust to another level of living, time to get our balance, time to enjoy the rewards. We have time to catch our breath.
But change is inevitable, and desirable.
Sometimes, when the winds of change begin to rustle, we're not certain the change is for the better. We may call it stress or a temporary condition, certain we'll be restored to normal. sometimes, we resist. We tuck our head down and buck the wind, hoping that things will quickly calm down, get back to the way things were. is it possible we're being prepared for a new 'normal'?
Change will sweep through our life, as needed, to take us where we're going We can trust that our Higher power has a plan in mind, even when we don't know where the changes are leading.
We can trust that the change taking place is good. The winds will take us where we need to go.

Today, help me, God, to let go of my resistance to change. Help me be open to the process. Help me believe that the place I'll be dropped off will be better than the place where I was picked up. Help me surrender, trust, and accept, even if I don't understand.

Affirmations

God made me.
I am a person.
I am as worthwhile as everyone else on the planet.
I have strengths and assets and things to give.
People appreciate me.
I am honest.
I am fine.
I am well.
God and the Universe are taking perfect care of me.
My life is perfect!

Feelings Work

I feel:

Excited about tomorrow night
So pleased about L using words like Darling and My Sweet and Sweetheart and My Love
Happy about work and the way it's going
Very very grateful
Loving of people
Warm about my colleagues (most)
Nervous about J and my still-some-feelings
Nervous about J and money
Basically happy
Happy it's spring!
So so so happy didn't kill self. So grateful
Spiritual

5 Good Things about Me:

1. I am honest
2. I am open-hearted
3. I am devoted to the children
4. I am smart
5. I am a fast typist

Grats

I am grateful:

1. Today’s For Today, about love.
2. Thich Nhat Hanh’s talk in Trafalgar Square, about love.
3. Lee Krasner’s paintings. I have just become acquainted with her work, and she joins Kandinsky as my favorite! (She was also Jackson Pollock’s wife, and was born in Brooklyn). I googled under Images, lee krasner paintings. There are many gorgeous ones here: https://www.google.com/search?q=lee+krasner+paintings&hl=en&client=firefox-a&hs=PbP&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&prmd=imvnso&source=lnms&tbm=isch&ei=hPOLT8-LE8io0AHm2rDHCQ&sa=X&oi=mode_link&ct=mode&cd=2&sqi=2&ved=0CCAQ_AUoAQ&biw=918&bih=462
4. Museums
5. My two TNH calligraphies that I bought for myself. And that one of them says simply, “Love Is the Way.”
6. And that the other says, “Let Go, Dear.”
7. That Love is the way. Love is the way.
8. That I am so filled with love now.
9. The warm weather right now. Not overly warm this morning. House is perfection.
10. Lying naked last night falling asleep.
11. Alone in big queen sized bed but not lonely!
12. Little bit of breeze over my skin in the warm room, from the window.
13. L sharing things about his musical beginnings.
14. Me falling asleep with so many good things in my head and heart! Thank you, God!
15. My dealing with yesterday with grace. May I do so again today, in all ways.
16. The poetry my darling little students are writing.
17. My job.
18. That I don’t get headaches. I have seen Jo with one, and L with several, and P getting a migraine, and K with migraines. And L told me I should be very grateful that I don’t get them. And I am.
19. That I can walk.
20. That it is spring.
21. That I hear many birds outside right now.
22. It is Wednesday now. My dr. comes today.
23. I am going to a concert tomorrow night with L! On a weeknight! I’m so excited!
24. M will be with her parents, so she has cancelled with me for tomorrow night. And I’m happy for her
25. And happy for me that I am freed to do this
26. J said he’ll come and show me the bills again; I’m so confused.
27. I’m so grateful for the meditation with 2 classes yesterday
28. ALL the help I’ve given M with both classes recently
29. L is paying for tomorrow night
30. And for dinner too
31. My principal let me go 10 minutes early last week, so I could do something for my mother. Yay
32. And last night I took my mother to dinner. Yay.
33. And we had an okay time.
34. And although I didn’t expect to, I had good dinner
35. And I had a big salad for lunch yesterday
36. And I’m going to lunch with N today!
37. And possibly with O on Friday!
38. Mendelsohn
39. Chopin
40. Bach
41. L playing Bach on my piano for me last Sun morning, while I lay on the sofa listening. What a morning!
42. That he is the first person who’s touched my piano (outside of O, who is my teacher, and me, and the party-attender who once touched it for one chord).
43. Coffee
44. My legs
45. I’m losing weight.
46. Jo, our computer expert at school. I love her. I love her as a person, not just as a computer teacher.
47. Humor
48. Jokes
49. Riddles
50. That my kids (students) love them.
51. And share them with each other.
52. How good they were yesterday, for the sake of others in our school. It was beautiful.
53. And I rewarded them.
54. And I’ll bet they do the same today!
55. Dinner in the city. I’m so excited about that! Tomorrow night!
56. Woody Allen.
57. Jeopardy last night
58. Watching it on phone with L.
59. Answering a bunch.
60. Kisses
61. Daylight. More of it in this season than just before.
62. Famous puzzles, like the bridges over the rivers once, can you take a walk such that you cross every bridge once…oiler theorem.
63. Logic. I’m not good at it but some people are, and even at a certain level, a couple of my second graders are
64. Apples.
65. Organic apples.
66. Books
67. That I can read
68. That I help others to read
69. That I can drive.
70. My Masters degree
71. That I get along well with D at work.
72. Car services
73. The vegan place near work
74. L’s voice. He is talking in my ear right now as I type.
75. Hand cream.
76. Lip balm.
77. Lee Krasner. My new favorite artist! Up there with Kandisky! (Or above?)
78. That I’ve finally found her works.
79. And that she was married to Jackson Pollock. That tickles me. Uh oh, maybe I’ve said this already?
80. That next week, my mother and I should get to go for Thai food.
81. And I’ll pay.
82. And she paid yesterday.
83. My sponsor.
84. My health!
85. Water!
86. Swimming
87. All the freedoms I have. Like freedom of speech, despite the recent bill sneaked through which removes some of the freedom of speech : ( Still grateful for all have
88. JJ
89. Birdie
90. EJ
91. My mother
92. Credit card
93. Checkbook
94. Cash
95. Savings
96. Fairness. Everywhere where fairness exists
97. Eye drops
98. Vitamins
99. Claritan
100. My helping that student, S
101. R having first honest moment yesterday! (student)

Readings

For Today:

"They do not love who do not show their love." William Shakespeare

"Do i hug fellow OAs and say I love them, but have not time for them between meetings? It is easy to say the words - and mean them - but words are not enough. Love is shown in action: by caring, doing, remembering, listening. Love is being strong enough to put one's own problems aside to be of use to another. Love cannot flourish in the presence of obsession; ther is no room. Romantic songs notwithstanding, it takes emotional maturity to be capable of showing consistent, enduring love.

For today: As I practice the principles of this program, my capacity for love expands."

--

Voices of Recovery:

"When we apply OA's Tradition Three, we find the treasure of friendship often where we least expect it, with people we once would have excluded from our lives. Such treasure is all around us, and all we have to do is open our hearts to review it." OA 12 & 12 p. 134.

"After being in OA for a while, I look at who is in my life. The majority of my friends are those I met in these rooms, those who walk the path of recovery with me. When I think of my friends, sometimes I laugh. Most of them are not people who would have been my friends 'in the real world.' We seem to have little in common. The Big Book tells me that we are like those rescued from a sinking ship. We have in common the peril of compulsive overeating and the common solution found in the Twelve Steps. That provides a bond different from any i have experienced before. many of these people i would have rejected as being too good for me or not good enough. I'm grateful that i saw the treasure of friendship and that god opened my heart to receive it."

In This Moment:

"In This Moment, i am present.

I am here, I notice all the gifts around me that my Higher Power places in my life. I slow down enough to see all the bright colors in my surroundings. I do not judge whether things 'should' or 'should not' be. When it rains, I let the raindrops fall on my face and experience them fully. When the sun shines, I soak up its rays. my Higher Power has given me a place in this wondrous universe."

The Language of Letting Go

"Freedom

Many of us were oppressed and victimized as children. As adults, we may continue to keep ourselves oppressed.
Some of us don't recognize that caretaking and not setting boundaries will leave us feeling victimized.
Some of us don't understand that thinking of ourselves as victims will leave us feeling oppressed.
Some of us don't know that we hold the key to our own freedom. That key is honoring ourselves, and taking care of ourselves.
We can say what we mean, and mean what we say.
We can stop waiting for others to give us what we need and take responsibility for ourselves. When we do, the gates to freedom will swing wide.
Walk through.

Today, I will understand that I hold the key to my freedom. I will stop participating in my oppression and victimization. I will take responsibility for myself, and let others do as they may."

Feelings Work

I feel afraid of time and all I "have to" do.
And whether L. will be comfortable here this weekend. Because I don't have the comfort-things he loves at his house.
I am happy to not be desperate for J anymore
I am happy to be enjoying time with L.
And happy to be enjoying time lovemaking with him, especially since the fear I first had
And that he used that word: lovemaking.
I am grateful for my health.
I am determined. To meditate with the kiddies today.
And excited about the fun I'm likely to have this weekend. If I can just keep the insecurities at bay.

Affirmations

I can take care of myself
I pay all my bills on time
I am beautiful
I am beautiful inside and out
I am at peace
I am in a peaceful world
God is taking perfect care of me
The Universe is endlessly good to me
I am safe
I am fine
I am good
I am lovable

My Hundred Grats Today

I am grateful:

1. My legs
2. My eyesight
3. My eyeglasses
4. My friend M.
5. My friend MA.
6. My bed. Even though it’s broken, I’m grateful for it.
7. My students. They are at a good place right now.
8. My online spiritual community.
9. My laptop
10. My tv
11. Cable tv
12. Lamps
13. My salary
14. My dog; may I have some time with her
15. Our computer teacher, Jo
16. Her heart. (Besides her computer help).
17. L. L in my life
18. Last Sunday morning, me and L., listening to the music together.
19. I finally got to hear Shostakovich.
20. In his (L’s) arms
21. And he was explaining what he believes about it (He is an acknowledged Shostakovich expert)
22. And what he FEELS
23. And asking did I want him to not do that, so as not to influence me
24. And we were in his computer room and he was sitting at the computer and I was on the floor, which I love in that room, with the special blanket he gives me. So cozy.
25. And I was reading him the names of works of art I’d noted from the Tate Modern Museum!
26. And he was looking them up on the computer!
27. And I was reading him my notes!
28. And we were sharing thoughts/feelings about these works!
29. And we had so much in common!
30. It was such joy.
31. And he brought me breakfast, to the d.r. table. Wouldn’t even let me help.
32. And we brought my stuff to the car and had a nice ride home.
33. And while I was there, he introduced me to the neighbors. It was all so nice.
34. He has a lovely deck
35. And table and chairs out there
36. I am happy that he is coming here for this weekend.
37. Scared, but happy. And grateful that I’m not ALWAYS feeling insecure
38. And that we’ll visit M and her girls this Sat night for dinner
39. That I did some laundry yesterday
40. And got the garbage out this morning
41. Kisses
42. Especially L. kisses. The best kisses I’ve ever experienced
43. That we’re both so tactile
44. That my students are happy
45. And learning
46. My iPhone
47. The wonderful seder last week
48. That L’s friend J wants to know if I have a friend.
49. And I’m thinking maybe K…
50. My French lessons
51. My piano!
52. O.
53. S.
54. St.
55. April 28, we’re going to a play, L, S and Jo, and I.
56. For her birthday
57. She sent an email to a bunch of people yesterday am, with a picture of the TNH calligraphy I’d bought for and given her, and a giant thank you to me!
58. That I bought them. (The one for her
59. And the one for S
60. And the one for L
61. And the ones for me)
62. And that the money goes to the hungry Vietnamese children
63. The video I just watched of TNH doing the calligraphy. Nice.
64. My sponsor and all the amazing shares for me.
65. J.A.
66. Learning how to not run from my suffering, but to care for it – and it goes away!
67. Comments on my blog
68. EJ
69. Birdie
70. JJ
71. Everyone who follows
72. That although I am VERY tempted to watch them take my garbage, as I hear the truck right now, I am not looking. Must learn to trust
73. Meditation
74. Walking meditation
75. Touch the earth
76. Begin anew
77. Noble silence
78. Eating mindfully
79. My vocabulary irl is starting to improve
80. That my kids are enjoying the poetry writing so much
81. And that Sy’s is so good!
82. And that I shared it with L
83. There IS enough time. I mean, when I feel like there isn’t (like now), the truth is, there is. Like in an existential way, what is is. So what is, is supposed to be.
84. Huge lessons in life.
85. My relief from so many fears!
86. And from almost “suicidal” tendencies. May I always have this relief.
87. Everyone who reads this blog today. Literally every one.
88. That I am not alone in cyber-space!!
89. Veggies and brown rice tomorrow night.
90. That I was dressed up at school yesterday
91. All cosmetics that do not use animal products
92. And that do not test on animals at all.
93. Same with all foods that do not come from animals
94. And all foods that grow: fruits
95. Vegetables
96. Grains
97. Nuts
98. Seeds
99. This day
100. And that I am alive to have it.
101. Fun Friday (for class)

Affirmations

I am strong
I am brave
I have been to London on my own
I can do anything
I can do everything I need to do
The Universe and God are taking perfect care of me
People love me
I love me
I am lovable

Feelings Work

I feel:

Nervous about how strongly I feel for L and that he hasn't sent me a card or written me a poem lately.
Scared about being nervous.
Needful of working with my dr. on this

Next time:
Keep doing MY things. My friends, my French, my piano...
Keep eating well, including lots of veggies and water.
Keep doing Affirmations

5 Good Things about Me.
1. I work on myself
2. I am orgasmic
3. I am open-minded
4. And open-hearted
5. I am devoted to my students

Readings

For Today:

"Blind and naked ignorance
Delivers brawling judgement,
unashamed on all things all day long." Alfred Lord Tennyson

"So you have a problem? You're tired? Have a headache? Need more money? I had the answers. Go to sleep. Take an aspirin. work harder. Sweet solutions you could not have figured out. There is little sensitivity to others in self-centeredness. Today i talk less and listen more, and even allow silence in the air. when someone asks a question now i can say, 'i do not know.' With those words comes the relief of realizing that answers are not a measure of my worth. That is self-worth where it counts the most.

For today: I listen to another's problems with sensitivity, but i share only my experience, remembering that what is good for me is not always good for someone else."

--

Voices of Recovery

"Practicing the principle of faith today means that we will no longer go through life acting however we feel like acting at any given moment. instead we will look to our higher Power for guidance and strength as we face each decision." OA 12 & 12 p. 104

"I used to sit on the fence, afraid of making decisions. What if I made the wrong decision? Faith in God has taught me that decisions need not scare me. As I work Step Three, I try to find God's will for me for each day. if I honestly seek his will, I believe I am practicing Step Three. i turn to God for guidance and wait for the intuitive knowledge that he provides. I have come to believe that there are no mistakes or 'wrong' decisions - only different lessons. Whichever way I go, I learn something, i trust God to provide me with those lessons and look forward to learning and growing."

--

The Language of Letting Go

"Picture yourself swimming - floating - peacefully down a gentle stream. All you need to do is breathe, relax, and go with the flow.
Suddenly, you become conscious of your situation. Frightened, overwhelmed with 'what if's?' your body tenses. You begin to thrash around, frantically looking for something to grab on to.
You panic so hard you start to go under. Then you remember - you're working too hard at this. You don't need to panic. All you need to do is breathe, relax, and go with the flow. You won't drown.
Panic is our great enemy.
We don't need to become desperate. If overwhelming problems appear in our life, we need to stop struggling. We can tread water for a bit, until our equilibrium returns. Then we can go back to floating peacefully down the gentle stream. It is our stream. it is a safe stream. our course has been charted. All is well.

Today, I will relax, breathe, and go with the flow."

--

In This Moment

"In This Moment, I forgive myself.

After ten years of recovery, I am in pain again. I need to do another Fourth Step. Out comes the pen and paper. Out comes anger, pain, and resentments. And finally, out come some character defects that I have worn like armor all my life. How could I be so blind?

Talking to my sponsor helps me realize that God has brought me to this point in my life. When I become entirely ready, God shows me the way."

--

My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful for all these things!:

1. L. a potted plant of deep pink tulips for me
2. And a potted plant of light pink and sort of magnolia-colored – hydrangea?
3. And a bottle of Frangelica – because he saw me order it once in a restaurant
4. And we sat and caught up for some minutes, and kissed and reveled.
5. Then he offered me privacy while I went upstairs and took a shower after my 12 -14 hour trip home day. And he *asked * before he came upstairs to another room to use his computer. Such a sweet man; a gentleman.
6. I showered and he suggested I lie down and catch a couple of hours of sleep before we left for the seder.
7. I said yes.
8. He said did I need privacy. I said no, I needed L.
9. He and I lay down. No sleep was had. : )
10. We went to the seder. (Neither of us is Jewish but his dear friends are.)
11. And they are my friends too now xo
12. We had socializing time first. It was warm and fun!
13. And I helped Jo with finishing setting up. It was very warm and homey.
14. A woman I met that night, pointed as we were sitting on the sofa, to L and his friends standing talking, and said, “How many people in this room do you think are or could be in Mensa?”
15. I said, “Well I know L could be. I don’t really know his friends yet.”
16. She said, “Oh L definitely. But they’re ALL like that. But he’s the smartest person here.”
17. And I actually said, kind of confidentially, “Can I tell you something about L?” She said yes. And I said, “That brain? It turns me on.”
18. And she said, enthusiastically, “Me too!”
19. Then we had the seder. It was so beautiful.
20. We all took turns reading.
21. And we sang.
22. And it was a traditional seder, but with a current theme of freedom for all people. So beautiful
23. And instead of a shank, because there were so many of us 11 who are vegetarian and two, including me, who are vegan, was a beetroot.
24. And on our (2 vegans) plates, instead of eggs were pieces of potato.
25. L. was totally uninhibited during the singing and reading and I loved him.
26. The woman who said that about his brain also said to me (but I didn’t tell him this part(!) ), “But he’s too weird for me.” I LOVED his openness! I think THAT’S what she refers to as weirdness: )
27. And he was affectionate with me (appropriately)
28. And obviously, proud of me
29. After we finished the seder, we had dinner!
30. S. made wonderful soup and kept mine and other vegan’s vegan! It was beet/cabbage soup. Lovely!
31. And he made THREE trays of matzo veggie lasagna! Three! One for most people. One for his love, Jo, who does not like sauce. And one for me, as a vegan who does not eat mushrooms! Wow!
32. And cake, which I did NOT want because I’m losing weight (another 15 pounds since Feb).
33. And luckily for me, it did have egg in it, so he knew I wouldn’t be having any and that made it even easier to not take: )
34. At one point during the socializing, which I enjoyed so much, L was sitting next to me and then he wasn’t. I saw him outside with their friend J.
35. On our way home, he said to me, “My friends love you.” I asked how he knew but he just said something like, “I can tell.”
36. Then the next morning, in bed, he said to me, “My friends love you so much.”
37. And I said, “How do you know?’ (I knew I wouldn’t mind a compliment lol). And I’m glad I asked.
38. And he said that among other things, his friend J had said to him, “I need to talk with you.” So L. had gone outside with him. And when out there, J. said “flattering things” about me.
39. And that J had said, “She’s a treasure.”
40. And L. had said, “I know.”
41. And that then J said, “If you mess this up, I’ll kill you.” And that L had said, “I won’t.”
42. And J then said, “No. Listen. I will hurt you. Don’t mess this up.”
43. And L. said, “I won’t.”
44. We went back to his place and talked and shared and had the nicest time.
45. I love his bedroom. It’s a haven. You go through another room first, and then these heavy drapes and into the haven. I love it so much in there.
46. And we made beautiful love.
47. And he even called it that. He said, “I so enjoy our lovemaking,” the next morning.
48. He does have some erection issues. We’ve had 2 out of 5 times together in bed. But that is fine with me.
49. And he does come. Yay.
50. No intercourse yet. Because when he gets an erection you kind of have to (if you want, and I do!), act on it quickly.
51. We both feel we’re in the getting to know each other sexually stage and more will come (no pun).
52. And I can’t believe I can be this open here, but it is my blog and I can: he gives me the most incredible orgasms I’ve ever had.
53. And even big-strong-like-a-man but with multiple! I didn’t know such a thing existed!
54. And I am uninhibited in bed with him!
55. I can’t say everything (yet?) but I have said and done things like never before.
56. And underneath, inside that gentleman, he is SO HOT in bed. Actions, words, everything. Omg.
57. And we had a glorious day Saturday. Glorious.
58. Lots of morning in bed time.
59. And talking. And cuddling. And kissing. And holding. And…
60. And we showered (separately, which I wanted) and went to the city.
61. And my hair looked good yay. (It did NOT when I arrived from the plane!)
62. We saw Pina. A wonderful movie.
63. Then went to a well-known place and had – beer! I hate beer. But I had a Belgian ale, which tastes like a sweet wine. And he had a real beer. We hated each other’s lol!
64. Then we went to a Ukranian museum. We had the loveliest time!
65. And we noticed that two of the painting were mislabeled.
66. So L told the girl
67. And she went and got the art historian.
68. Who came right in and inspected!
69. And – changed the labels!
70. And thanked us!
71. We walked. I loved it.
72. Then we were looking at the menu outside an Italian place – he thought he was in the mood for that I was totally open either way
73. And a woman started talking with us. Nice.
74. And she was a vegan! Nicer still: )
75. And she recommended the Ethiopian place a few blocks away.
76. That we HAVE all these places of different ethnicities. So fortunate.
77. L. was so open about it.
78. But when she walked away, I said to him, “But Honey, you told me a month or 2 ago, that you don’t like Ethiopian food. We don’t have to go there on my account!”
79. And he said, “I don’t like the people all picking up bread and dipping and taking the food and sharing. But with *you * I don’t mind!”
80. We went.
81. Had nice wine.
82. And excellent food.
83. A very friendly waiter who helped us and we had tastes of 7 things!
84. Plus an appetizer!
85. And L. took home the leftovers.
86. Great conversation. Such an enjoyable dinner together.
87. We had taken the ferry over. Such fun!
88. And we took it back. Romantic! As he’d said it would be!
89. And there was live music. And good, too.
90. And a couple was swaying, dancing. And I pointed them out. And he said, “What are they doing?” And I said, “Dancing.” And he said, “Oh. Do you want to dance?”
91. I didn’t at that moment; was perfectly happy as is. But it was nice that he asked.
92. And then we got back. Had more wonderful nice times. So nice. Talking. He was so delighted about the day. And always affectionate and caressing as we talked. I don’t think this feature is the newness. I think we are both totally touchers. Yay!
93. And then – ok – I’ll say it. He SO wanted me to sleep. He knew I really needed it! I – who need 9 hours of sleep every single night, didn’t sleep for 26 hours…
94. So he lay with me and gently held me in his arms.
95. But I was overtired, wined, in love, . . . and his body against me was NOT making me sleepy!
96. I wound up a puddle of needy passion and he started, um, touching me. And I actually SAID, “Finish me.” Like a desperate little clinging monkey! I’ve never done anything like that before.
97. And he said, with this soft reassuring confidence, not like hot, but definitely, like don’t worry, “I’ll finish you.”
98. And he did. With his mouth. Oh my God.
99. I finally got sleep. 3 hours, but sleep.
100. And the next morning was just as beautiful.
101. I am so grateful for all of this and so much more. If I didn’t have to go to work, I’d write gratitudes all day today.
102. Including great session with my dr. yesterday. But must go do other stuff…

Affirmations

I am good enough
I am a child of God
I am a child of the Universe
I am a child of Mother Earth
I am lovable
I am lovable
I am lovable.

Feeings Work

I feel:

Happy about L
Proud about London
Scared about J
Scared about money
Anxious about finding, and getting all the paperwork and answers to my lawyer
Grateful for M
Scared of her frenetic energy
Determined to deepen my mindfulness. Through practice
Wishing for more selfish-time to do more spiritual stuff

I think it is because:
I grew up not believing I could have any impact on my environment
I am so inexperienced with bill-paying and taxes and paperwork
But I have grown SO MUCH and done SO WELL especially this past year, so I do have HOPE! :)

Next time:
Make realistic schedule of the things I dread, and follow it.

5 Good Things about Me:
1. I am passionate
2. I am affectionate
3. I am sexual
4. I am devoted to the students. My students.
5. I am a good friend to my friends.

Today's Readings

For Today:

"And this is the noble truth of the arising of sorrow. It arises from craving . . .
And this is the noble truth of the stopping of sorrow. It is the complete stopping of that craving . . . being emancipated from it." The Pali Canon

"The complete stopping of that craving . . ." How aptly that describes recovery in the twelve-step program.
Recovery is not resisting the craving; it is being FREE of it. The process may be a long or relatively short one, but until I experience that emancipation i must act on faith. I willingly and gratefully follow the suggestions of those whose craving has been arrested and who live in the grace of recovery.

For today: My disease - the craving for excess food - has beaten me. But it is no match for the combined forces of my Higher Power, the OA Fellowship and my desire to stop."

I needed this!

--

Voices of Recovery:

"They want to learn all they can, and they never know when their Higher Power might choose to teach them." OA 12 & 12 p. 203

"How often have I prayed to my higher Power, asking for the solution to a problem or for deeper insight into my innermost self, yet ignored the answer when it was given. So many times I have sat in a meeting and discarded the useful suggestions of other members because they were still fat, were bulimic/anorexic, were of the opposite sex, or were too adamant. I had a multitude of reasons for ignoring others' ideas. if I am to reach a level of recovery that frees me to live a life of sane and happy usefulness, I must be willing to listen with an open mind and an open heart to all who share my compulsion. When I discard a suggestion because I find fault with the messenger, it is I who will suffer."

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In This Moment:

"In This Moment, I change the CD.

Today, a part of me wants to stay in bed. What if I could imagine how it would be to wake up happy, joyous, and free. oh! What a gift that would be."

And I DO now!!!!!!!! Oh my God!!!!

Back to the text:

"Yeah, but here I am just lying here, a little down and tired of the same o' same ol'. Hey! Snap out of it! The sun is coming up, the birds are singing, the breeze is gently rustling the leaves, the sky is blue, and i get a new chance to make this a happy day.

Yes, it is my choice. Do I choose self-pity or do I choose happiness? I can get up and put a new CD in my head. CD could be Change Day. .Yes! Today I change the message. I'm happy to be alive."

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The Language of Letting Go

"Financial Goals.
Taking responsibility"

Uh oh.

Back to text.

"Taking responsibility for our financial affairs will improve our self-esteem and lessen anxiety.
"each of us, today, has a PRESENT SET OF FINANCIAL CIRCUMSTANCES. We have a certain amount of money in hand, and money due to us. We have a pile of bills that we owe. We have taxes to pay. Those are our present financial circumstances. no matter what the details are, acceptance, gratitude, and self-responsibility will lessen the stress.
Each of us, today, has a FINANCIAL FUTURE. There are few future aspects of our life we can control, but one part we can play to assist our future is setting goals.
We don't have to obsess about our goals. We don't have to constantly watch and mark our progress toward them. But it is beneficial to think about our goals and write them down. What do we want to happen in our financial future? What financial problems would we lie to solve? What bill would we like to be rid of? What would we like to be earning at the end of this year? The end of next year? five years from now?
Are we willing to work for our goals and trust our higher Poser to guide us?
Pay bills on time. Contact creditors. make arrangements. Do your best, today, to take responsibility for your finances. Set goals for the future. Then, let go of money and concentrate on living. Taking responsibility for our financial affairs does not mean making money our focus. Taking responsibility for our finances enables us to take our focus off money. it frees us to do our work and live the life we want.
We deserve to have the self-esteem and peace that accompanies financial responsibility.

Today, I will take the time necessary to be responsible for myself financially.. if it is time to pay bills or talk to creditors, i will do that. if it is time to set goals, I will do that. Once i have done my part, i will let the rest go."

Wow. I really needed this too!

==

Very Meaningful Gratitudes

I am grateful:

1. That I planned the London trip.
2. That I did it almost all by myself.
3. That I used Ma’s phone to call because I don’t have international calling service.
4. That I got to the plane.
5. And that I got on the plane lol.
6. That it is 4am and I am alive.
7. That it is Wednesday and my doctor comes today. I haven’t seen him in three weeks!
8. That I’ll have a check for him.
9. That I filed for divorce.
10. That means my “extra” check that we get every end of March, with fewer deductions, is not half his.
11. Nor is my upcoming few hundred from the courses.
12. Or my upcoming 1500 or so from my summer work.
13. That if I have any say over it (and he does not rape me financially), I will be very generous with him, even though I don’t “have money.” Because I’m grateful that I am decent.
14. But I will not “screw myself.” I am grateful for at least this amount of self-care.
15. That I had a safe flight to London!
16. And even comfortable!
17. That some junky things like tabloid magazines, sitcoms, and even another site I used to use, seem trivial to me now, after my time with TNH. I am not criticizing them or anybody who likes them, as I did/do! I’m just saying that after time with Thich Nhat Hahn, I don’t care about this stuff. And I, who have been “addicted” to it, am very grateful about that!
18. For my online spiritual community.
19. That the taxi driver who took me from Heathrow to my room was so nice
20. And that he took me all around on a little tour
21. And didn’t charge me extra for it.
22. And that when I stupidly went into that money exchange place and laid out all that money, alone in the dark with that man behind the counter, my driver came running in and stood with me counting.
23. And then back in the car he admonished me to never do that again anywhere.
24. I felt safe.
25. That I adjusted to my teeny tiny room (like 8 x 12!) within about 2 hours!
26. And that my bathroom, although tiny and without a bathtub (shower only) was white and clean.
27. And that the reception man set up my internet for me
28. And my window too
29. And that from beneath my window, I could hear heels clacking on the street at night.
30. And British accents.
31. And in the mornings – oh – the birds! It sounded like HUNDREDS of birds singing. I awoke to that most mornings, not the alarm: )
32. My first day of sightseeing, as the course was to begin at 4:30 pm.
33. St. Paul’s Cathedral.
34. Tracing Princess Diana’s steps from the day of her wedding. Up and down the outside stairs, to the altar, to the side for signing and veil re-doing, and back down and out.
35. And that I was able to buy little costume earrings there.
36. And London coasters. I am blessed to be able to afford these frivolities, financially.
37. The Tower. I’m so glad after reading about it on and off for 43 years, that I finally got to see it.
38. And I’m grateful that I skipped the torture part. I did not need that in my head.
39. And that I stood in the spot where Anne Boleyn was beheaded. This was a solemn, sacred time, not a sightseeing time.
40. And the same with seeing where Lady Jane Grey and poor little Catherine Howard were killed.
41. And that I ended that tour with the Royal Crown Jewels. More positive.
42. My 10-minute walk to my course for the 4 days.
43. And the amazing weather throughout them.
44. The Orientation talk by Thich Nhat Hahn.
45. And that it was so much about self-care.
46. And my taking a car back to the hotel, in the dark.
47. That the course was like a retreat!
48. And had vegan foods for 3 meals a day.
49. Plus always tea out.
50. That M bought me that passport holder to wear around my neck. I used that for my passport and money at all times and never carried a pocketbook!
51. Every dharma talk by TNH.
52. And by the nun and monk that other day.
53. And – that we all (about 275 of us) went to Trafalgar Square for a “Sit for Peace.” !
54. And that I found this link. Although the gorgeous chant to Avalokiteshvara is torturously slow, and edited badly, the feeling is evoked here and they’ve included some beautiful words of his. It’s worth the almost 11 minutes.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kOvZkysSXek
55. ½ hour talk with M this morning. I’m glad we had it. AND I’m glad it wasn’t 2 hours.
56. The meltdown I had last Sunday (a week and a half ago) at the retreat, in London. Because it was real
57. And mainly because it got me to the help from the man at the school where the retreat took place.
58. And coffee (I was having caffeine withdrawal, among other things).
59. And the Buddhist nun who met me to talk together later that afternoon.
60. And the helpful things she told me. Including: VERY helpful!
She listened to everything. Then told me (said roughly here) it was too much stimulation. Reviewed with me some of the most basic practices of TNH, but thoroughly in their importance, and suggested that she felt I needed NO MORE STIMULATION this day.
61. Said hoped I would not, "go out of myself at all." "not with your ears, nor your eyes, nor your heart, nor your personality, your voice..."
62. Just go within. Stand firmly on Mother Earth. Feel through your foot, your rootedness in her.
63. Walk mindfully. Do not take the next step until you are fully at home in the one.
64. Sit quietly. Go to the park. There are two near here (and named them). Hug a tree. They are very rooted.
65. You are a child of Mother Earth. Sit on her, at the foot of that tree. Or - it might be too cold out, hug one, and sit inside, but connected to the earth. Be still.
66. Lie down and give all your pain, your worries, your overwhelming emotions, your suffering, back to your mother, Mother Earth.
67. Don't worry about Mother Earth getting "polluted" with our suffering. She will transform it. Into spring...
68. Embrace your suffering and care for it! Love it, be gentle with it.
Don't run from it. Don't harm it. Gentle it (my word here but her - Thay's - concept).
69. You have to get to comfort inside your own island. Comfort in your self.
70. NEVER use the teachings as a source of pain, guilt, or ANYTHING negative. The teachings are ONLY to bring JOY. If they bring pain, or even not JOY, then the person is not using them intelligently.
71. She said, stay quiet and still and in yourself today. TOMORROW you'll meditate with Thay in the morning, have breakfast, go to Dharma talk, but no stimulation today.
72. I did as she suggested. And it has really helped.
73. And these things are STILL helping me.
74. And I believe always will.
75. My dharma group.
76. The 3 London friends I made
77. The other Thay (TNH) talks
78. Getting back to my hotel after the end of the retreat on the last day
79. The next 3 days of sightseeing
80. Kensington Palace!
81. Bath!
82. Stonehenge!
83. Windsor Castle!
84. With the queen in residence
85. Harrods
86. And the lingerie I bought there
87. The 2 days on and off the city tour bus
88. And the 11 hour tour (to Windsor and Bath and Stonehenge)
89. And the local bus
90. And the tube! I took the underground! And didn’t have problems!
91. And the one day I was like 7 ½ stories below ground, I had less than a minute of anxiety.
92. And used Thay’s way: Hello, Anxiety. I see you. I will take care of you.
93. And it went right away!
94. Same with the moment of anxiety on the plane before takeoff to come home.
95. I have been lifted of my phobias!!!
96. That I share this fact with others.
97. And still call my sponsor
98. The safe trip home
99. And the taxi ride straight to L’s
100. And us kissing in the street while driver waited for me (us) to take bags from car. Like a movie: )