Monday, December 31, 2012

Happy 2013 to All

May it be filled with health. Joy. Prosperity. Safety. Fulfillment. Happiness. I will be back fully sometime tomorrow. And soon - I'm going to learn pics and other things to make it nicer!

Sunday, December 30, 2012

My 100 Gratitudes Today - Done Finished and Posted Here

I am grateful: 1. I am so grateful that doggie was here for a week. 2. And that J. came and got her and we got along so nicely. 3. That when I have bad dreams when sleeping, I wake up: ) 4. Modern art 5. 20th Century classical music 6. People who break out of the form somewhat. 7. Classical too! : ) 8. That I do HAVE these higher pursuits. I feel so much better when like that than when baser. 9. It is 12:19. I am SO GRATEFUL THAT I FEEL EMOTIONALLY OK RIGHT NOW! Have had two cups of coffee and am practicing piano and cooking organic lentil soup. Then cleaning kitchen. More later. Much more coming later! 10. Grateful that M. was so happy to hear me sound better today! 11. And even yesterday too! 12. Grateful that didn’t let self die on Christmas! 13. Grateful that cooked 1 large and 1 small tray of eggplant parm today (vegan of course) 14. And am bringing one of them to my mother! 15. And that I made TWO pots of lentil soup! 16. And am bringing some to my mother. 17. And I made my wonderful veggie/protein bake. So good. Had a portion for dinner. 18. Breathing 19. I have an iPad! Oh my gosh. So exciting! 20. I am finishing the kitchen floor now. 21. J. fixed the dishwasher! Yay! 22. And I gave him eggplant and pizza I made. Yay! 23. Dishwasher running now. So grateful. 24. And I washed the pots and pans and a lot else too. 25. And I’m enjoying a little wine. Nice. 26. And some night lately I haven’t wanted/had. And that’s good too. 27. And I did practice piano today 28. And it went well 29. Comedies 30. Roseanne repeats 31. King of Queens repeats This quote: “"Be happy for no reason, like a child. If you are happy for a reason, you're in trouble, because that reason can be taken from you." - Deepak Chopra ~ ♥ ~ 32. And this one: ““We are called upon to treat animals with kindness, not because they have rights or power or some claim to equality, but because they don’t; because they all stand unequal and powerless before us." - Matthew Scully from Dominion 33. This darling picture. I hope it shows up here. If not, I’ll have to figure something out. "Be happy for no reason, like a child. If you are happy for a reason, you're in trouble, because that reason can be taken from you." - Deepak Chopra ~ ♥ ~ 34. “We are called upon to treat animals with kindness, not because they have rights or power or some claim to equality, but because they don’t; because they all stand unequal and powerless before us." - Matthew Scully from Dominion — with Flower Power. 35. That I said no to the college boyfriend, who contacted me the other day and wanted me to go away with him. No. Good. 36. I am grateful for this phone conversation I’m having right now. 37. My feet. And how they work for me. 38. And they’re pretty too. 39. That I took care of my bathroom flood tonight right away! 40. Humor 41. Laughter 42. Cleanliness. I am happiest when I am leading a good clean life. 43. My conscience. 44. Music. 45. And that L. is bringing some good music tomorrow 46. Cooking. I am reminded the last two times, that the more I cook, the less I want to eat. In a healthy way. I think it’s because of more than one thing. 1) that I’m busy doing and not sitting around looking to eat 2) that I’ve been engaged with food for so much time and don’t to be, more 3) this feeling that there’s plenty here – there’s plenty here – no need to eat more… 47. This little cartoon: Dog asking littler animal: “What’s a New Year’s Revolution?” Answer: “ It’s a to-do list for the first week of January.” 48. Singing 49. Cheering 50. Dancing! 51. Swimming 52. It is not windy outside now. 53. And also grateful that is was before. 54. msn.com 55. email 56. I have an iPod (besides iPad) 57. And laptop 58. And iPhone 59. And Nook. So lucky! 60. And books 61. And DVDs, a few. 62. The medicines that have cured me. Like from pneumonia. And the flue. 63. And the painkillers that little bit when I needed them. 64. And that I didn’t get addicted to them. 65. That I have never been in a war. 66. Goats 67. Lambs 68. And that I don’t eat them 69. That I’ve never as an adult committed a crime (as a kid I stole a little) 70. That when, as a kid, I stole, I got CAUGHT! Grateful because it straightened me out. 71. Movies 72. Museums 73. Concerts 74. My piano 75. Windows 76. And that they are double hung or whatever you call it. 77. And storm door. 78. Walks. Like really, every walk I’ve ever taken. 79. All those walks with J. and doggie in the woods, doggie off-leash, for years. So wonderful. And I did appreciate them. 80. Facebook. I think. Lol 81. People who are open-minded 82. Betty White 83. That I have a home. 84. Am indoors. With a roof 85. And heat 86. And electricity 87. My coffee table. 88. My sofas and loveseat 89. That I don’t have TOO MUCH. Like more. 90. Lamps. 91. Flashlight 92. Pictures 93. Doggie. 94. And that she was here recently. 95. 2013 coming. 96. Everyone who is happy. I’m happy for them. 97. Shoes 98. Socks 99. Jacket 100. Tv

Affirmations

I release the past and embrace the future. I look forward with joy and anticipation trusting in the process of life.// Negativity is only a thought and a thought can be changed. I choose to replace all negative thought with positive healthy thoughts that nourish me on all level// There is ample time and opportunity for creative expression in whatever are I choose.// My family and friends totally support me in fulfilling my dreams.// My innate talents, abilities and creativity surprises and delights me.

Feelings Work

I feel: Less miserable. Somewhat happy. Hopeful for nice day tomorrow and next. Hopeful. Hoping. Dirty. About these talks with A. Should stop, I think. Oh boy. Breathing and very glad for it. I think it is because: Cooked and am in midst of cleaning - that's good. Communicating with new guy(s) - that's good. Having little nice time with L. - according to dr's "orders" - that's good. My mother's doing well. "Be happy for no reason, like a child. If you are happy for a reason, you're in trouble, because that reason can be taken from you." - Deepak Chopra ~ ♥ ~ Next time I'll do differently: ***Look at what I was doing right before the depression (last time) and - DON'T do THAT! Like this time, I say with some embarrassment, I was sitting around in jammies - day after day - and not eating the greens! - and eating the white flour! and staying in and sinking. I must stop this stuff when it's DAYS away from the fall - not let it get to hours of minutes away! 5 Good Things about Me: 1. I am self-aware 2. I am honest in discussing issues and trying to work them out. 3. I am still able and willing to get to cleaning things up. 4. I am funny. 5. I am kind.

Today's Reading - The Language of Letting GoL

Laying the Foundation The groundwork has been laid. Do you not see that? Don't you understand that all you have gone through was for a purpose? There was a reason, for the waiting, the struggle, the pain, and finally the release. You have been prepared. The same way a builder must first tear down and dig out the old to make way for the new, your Higher Power has been cleaning out the foundation in your life. Have you ever watched a builder at construction? When he begins his work, it looks worse than before he began. What is old and decayed must be removed. What is insufficient or too weak to support the new structure must be removed, replaced, or reinforced. No builder who cares about his or her work would put a new surface over an insufficient support system. The foundation would give way. It would not last. If the finished product is to be what is desired, the work must be done thoroughly from the bottom up. As the wok progresses, it often appears to be an upheaval. often, it does not seem to make sense. It may appear to be wasted time and effort, because we cannot see the final product yet. But it is so important that the foundation be laid properly if the fun work, the finishing touches, is to be all that we want it to be. This long, hard time in your life has been for laying of groundwork. It was not without purpose, although at times the purpose may not have been evident or apparent. Now, it is time for the finishing touches, the completion. It is time to move the furniture in and enjoy the fruits of the labor. Congratulations. you have had the patience to endure the hard parts. you have trusted, surrendered, and allowed your Higher Power and the Universe to heal and prepare you. Now, you shall enjoy the good that has been planned. Now, you shall see the purpose. Now, it shall all come together and make sense. Enjoy. Today, I will surrender to the laying of the foundation - the groundwork - in my life. If it is time to enjoy the placement of the finishing touches, I will surrender to that, and enjoy that too. I will remember to be grateful for a Higher Power that is a Master Builder and only has my best interests in mind, creating and constructing my life. I will be grateful for my Higher Power's care and attention to details in laying the foundation - even though i become impatient at times. i will stand in awe at the beauty of God's finished product.

Gratitudes

I am grateful: 1. I am so grateful that doggie was here for a week. 2. And that J. came and got her and we got along so nicely. 3. That when I have bad dreams when sleeping, I wake up: ) 4. Modern art 5. 20th Century classical music 6. People who break out of the form somewhat. 7. Classical too! : ) 8. That I do HAVE these higher pursuits. I feel so much better when like that than when baser. ***9. It is 12:19. I am SO GRATEFUL THAT I FEEL EMOTIONALLY OK RIGHT NOW! Have had two cups of coffee and am practicing piano and cooking organic lentil soup. Then cleaning kitchen. More later. Much more coming later!

must start the cooking - will do more later on

Today's Reading - Food for Thought

Fear of Failure It is often the fear of failure, which prevents us from attempting what we really want to do. When we are new to OA, we may be reluctant to commit ourselves to abstinence because we fear we will break it. When we are able to maintain abstinence from compulsive overeating, we may be afraid to make some other kind of commitment for fear of not being able to succeed. Our past failures can undermine our confidence in our present abilities. For this reason, we need to let go of the past and be willing to try something new. For many of us, belief in a Higher Power is a new commitment. The fear that we will be disapointed sometimes blocks us from the wholehearted trust that such a commitment entails. The fear of failure is best dealt with by living one day at a time. We can risk a small failure today; it is the large failure in the future that terrifies us. By taking a small step today toward maintaining abstinence or working on an important project, we build the confidence that we can eventually succeed. With Your support, may I be willing to risk failure.

Today's Reading - Food for Thought

Fear of Failure It is often the fear of failure, which prevents us from attempting what we really want to do. When we are new to OA, we may be reluctant to commit ourselves to abstinence because we fear we will break it. When we are able to maintain abstinence from compulsive overeating, we may be afraid to make some other kind of commitment for fear of not being able to succeed. Our past failures can undermine our confidence in our present abilities. For this reason, we need to let go of the past and be willing to try something new. For many of us, belief in a Higher Power is a new commitment. The fear that such a commitment entails. The fear of failure is best dealt with one day at a time. WE can risk a small failure today it is the large failure in the future that terrifies us. By taking a small step today toward maintaining abstinence or working on an important project, we build the confidence that we can eventually succeed. With Your support, may I be willing to risk failure.

Today's Reading - Each Day a New Beginning

"And what a delight it is to make friends with someone you have despised!" Colette What does it mean to say we "despise" someone? Usually it means that we have invested a lot of energy in negative feelings; it means that we have let ourselves care deeply about someone. We would never say we "despised" someone who wasn't important to us. Why have we chosen to let negative feelings occupy so much of our hearts? Sometimes, in the past, that negative energy has become almost an obsession, consuming our time, gnawing at our self-esteem. But in recovery there comes a moment of lightning change; a moment of release from the bonds of obsession. The other person is, after all, just another person--a seeker, like ourselves. And, since we cared enough to devote our time and energies to disliking her, she is probably someone who would be rewarding to know. Recovery has given us the opportunity to turn over many negative feelings, to discover that "friend" and "enemy" can be two sides of the same person. Today, I will look into my heart and see whether I am clinging to obsessive concerns with other people. I will resolve to let them go.

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Affirmations

I regularly take time out just for me to do the things I love.// I allow prosperity to enter my life on a higher level than ever before.// I make new uplifting friends wherever I go and know that I am never alone. As I reach out to others they reach out to me.// I deserve all good in my life and I accept it now.// I think big and allow myself to accept even more good in my life.

Feelings Work

I feel/I Thik It Is Because: Relieved. Determined to keep eating broccoli and other cruciferous and/or leafy green veggies. Determined to see my mother more. Next Time: CONTINUE doing the out-of-the-house things, and the social things, and the with men things, that make me feel good about myself. I'm NOT talking about sex. I'm talking about feminine, look nice and behave nicely, be out of myself and with other people things, and some romance. And continue having the veggies. And keeping up around here. And seeing my mother more. 5 Good Things about Me: 1. I learn things quickly enough and well enough. 2. I laugh. 3. I have a ready smile. I trained myself! 4. I am MUCH less shy than I used to be. 5. I came out of another deep depression! 6. I have people who love me and whom I love.

My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful: 1. M. Her love. My true “sister.” 2. Going to L’s last night – WITH his agreement to my dr’s 5 conditions, and MY agreement with my dr. that it’s just to keep company and keep light light light 3. That I made it there safely. It took twice the time. But I don’t care. I made it there safely. 4. And had a hot toddy type thing when I got there: ) 5. And he made me dinner 6. And I like it 7. And it involved broccoli, which I needed! 8. And I just got home and had some now too. Good. 9. Later now. I am grateful that I got home safely. 10. And got to the hfs 11. And supermarket 12. And to my mother’s. 13. And gave her the organic vegan apple pie. 14. With all that my dr. said in mind, I am grateful that I had romantic time with L. last night. In bed with music and caressing. Not sex. But caressing. And a lot of kissing. And that he liked it too. 15. I am grateful that when I got there, we kissed affectionately. 16. And that he had a bouquet of red roses for me. 17. And had scrubbed some things. This is a big deal for him, so I appreciate it. 18. Grateful that we stood at the kitchen peninsula and ate. That he wasn’t hungry but made dinner for me and kept me company. 19. And that our awkwardness was passing. 20. And that I did leave when I did. Because I think the anxiety of me winding up staying there until Tuesday, would have been TOO MUCH! And I wouldn’t have been ready here to have us both drive here on Monday 21. I’m so grateful for the incredible amount of good healthy food I have in the house. 22. I have now, organic celery and carrots and lentils. Can make beautiful lentil soup tomorrow! 23. And I have ingredients for chili. Can make at any time. 24. And I have ingredients, organic all, for spanakopita! And can make that tomorrow too! 25. And ingreds for great salad – also organic oh my gosh! 26. And ingreds for all organic eggplant parm 27. And homemade pizza! 28. And ingreds. for my veggie protein bake 29. And for my wh. gr. pasta veggie protein bake 30. I have hummus, and p.b. 31. And nuts and grains and seeds 32. And organic apples 33. And organic bananas 34. And organic blueberries 35. I have chocolate almond milk 36. And organic chocolate coconut milk 37. I have the organic herbal hot drink thing L. loves 38. And I have practiced piano today. 39. And I am grateful for water 40. And wine 41. And orange juice 42. And collards 43. And tomatoes 44. And really good olives 45. I am so grateful that I had broccoli again today. And my mood shows it. 46. And the naked skin touching last night. 47. And the sexual feelings. 48. And that I did NOT confide in A. this morning. 49. I’m grateful that I used to volunteer in an orphanage. 50. And that I used to volunteer in a psychiatric hospital 51. And that people say I am funny 52. And for tv 53. And sitcoms 54. And that maybe my g-spot will finally be found lol but really 55. I’m grateful that I do have ENOUGH money 56. And that I gave J. the 2 pieces of eggplant parm and the 2 pieces of homemade pizza to take with him 57. And that he seems to have fixed the dishwasher! 58. And that I didn’t let myself die on Christmas day. 59. That I HAVE this life. Someday I won’t. 60. I’m so grateful that I was happy on the way to L’s yesterday. 61. And that I have 2 seemingly nice guys in Ct I might see soon, as we are NOT to be exclusive. 62. And that A. has helped me. 63. And that M. got to hear me sounding better today. 64. Grateful that I’m home right now, and in my jammies, but not depressed. Oh thank God! 65. And cozy 66. Grateful so grateful for my fingers. Fro piano, and typing, cooking, so much. So lucky to have fingers. 67. Grateful that I can walk. 68. And that L. likes the gifts I gave him. 69. And that he got me an iPad! 70. With a pink case! 71. And 2 years of protection plan! Very exciting. And was generous with me. Yay. 72. I’m grateful that I can see that he spent $704. 00 On me and that means a lot to me. : ) And that I gave him 3 months of these organic vegan cookies: https://www.allisonsgourmet.com/index.php/monthly-clubs/ 73. And 3 months of this wine (red): http://www.amazingclubs.com/wine.html?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_term=wine%20of%20the%20month%20club&utm_content=WineoftheMonthExactPRETest&utm_campaign=AmazingClubs&gclid=CPyW4rGxwLQCFUbf4AodUlEAcw 74. That I loved the Bruckner 6th Symphony 75. And the Cyril Scott! 76. And the Dvorjak too. 77. And that I’ve been introduced to Shostakovich. 78. And my favorite, Vaughn-Williams 79. And the Hot Canary. Especially of course the original. 80. I am grateful for warm jammies 81. And a robe 82. And a different, pretty robe, too 83. And that L. said tonight, “Oh I wish we could be wrapped around each other like last night.” I KNOW I am NOT supposed to get HOOKED on him. And frankly, I do remember that he’s ill in a way mentally, so I think I’m ok. But even my dr says “He has something to offer you.” But wants me to keep moving, also. 84. That I have an iPhone 85. And can go for lessons in iPhone, iPad, MacPro laptop, or iPad any time! 86. And for my Nook 87. And for the sweater I am knitting 88. And the two scarves 89. And the book on Marie Antoinette 90. And that I’m working on a Schubert 91. And a Mendelssohn 92. And a Rachmaninoff. Nice three! 93. That I played in that recital in July! 94. I’m grateful for MA 95. And ML 96. And O 97. And my very own piano 98. And that I paid for it myself and it is all mine 99. And a good instrument me 100. And unimportant bonus: so pretty, too.

Today's Reading - Twenty Four Hours a Day

Thought for the Day Participating in the privileges of the movement, I shall share in the responsibilities, taking it upon myself to carry my fair share of the load, not grudgingly but joyfully. I am deeply grateful for the privileges I enjoy because of my membership in this great movement. They put an obligation upon me, which I will not shirk. I will gladly carry my fair share of the burdens. Because of the joy of doing them, they will no longer be burdens, but opportunities. Will i accept every oppoutunity gladly? Meditation for the Day Work and prayer are the two forces, which are gradually making a better world. We must work for the betterment of ourselves and other people. Faith without works is dead. But all work with people should be based on prayer. If we say a little prayer before we speak or try to help, it will make us more effective. Prayer is the force behind the work. Prayer is based on faith that God is working with us and through us. We can believe that nothing is impossible in human relationships, if we depend on the help of God Prayer for the Day I pray that my life may be balanced between prayer and work. I pray that I may not work without prayer or pray without work.

Today's Reading - Touchstones (officially for men)

"Our greatest glory consists no in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." Ralph Waldo Emerson After we get a new understanding about ourselves we think, "Now i will never have to make the same mistake again!" But our lessons are usually no that easily learned. We have to get them into our muscles and bones as well as our heads. Some of us have to learn how to be kind; others, how to be good listeners or how to stand up for ourselves in many different ways. Every new situation calls on a little different way of knowing, and perhaps we have to fall a few times in the learning. The most important asset in our lives is the faith to get up again and continue. We must accept our imperfections. Each time we fall and with each mistake we make, we're vulnerable to doubting and losing faith. By rising again, we make progress in our learning and continue to become better men. Today, I will have faith, even in the midst of my mistakes.

Today's Reading - Today's Gift

"The price of dishonesty is self-destruction." Rita Mae Brown There once was a woman who told her husband what she thought he wanted to hear. She told him she was happy when she wasn't. She told him she liked his friends when she didn't. She tried to figure out what he wanted so she could do it for him. She felt hurt when he didn't do the same for her. She felt he should also try to read her mind and do what she wanted without her having to express it. She was scared to tell him how she really felt. However, her pain and resentment grew so much she couldn't stand it any longer, so she told him her true feelings. He was so used to hearing her lies that he called a liar when she told the truth. Now she knew how much she had hurt herself by trying to please him at the cost of her own honesty and needs. Honesty is necessary for a good relationship with anyone. When we lie to ourselves, we cannot tell the truth to others. By being honest, we open our doors to others, we trust them with our true feelings, and they love us for who we really are. Who can I tell how I really feel today?

Today's Reading - The Language of Letting Go

Moving On "Learn the art of acceptance. It's a lot of grief." Codependent No More Sometimes, as part of taking care of ourselves, it becomes time to end certain relationships. Sometimes, it comes time to change the parameters of a particular relationship. This is true in love, in friendships, with family, and on the job. Endings and changes in relationships are not easy. But often, they are necessary. Sometimes, we linger in relationships that are dead, out of fear of being alone or to postpone the inevitable grieving process that accompanies endings. Sometimes, we need to linger for a while, to prepare ourselves, to get strong and ready enough to handle the change. If that is what we are doing, we can be gentle with ourselves. It is better to wait until that moment when it feels solid, clear, and consistent to act. We will know. We will know. We can trust ourselves. Knowing that a relationship is changing or is about the end is a difficult place to be in, especially when it is not yet time to act but we know the time is drawing near. It can be awkward and uncomfortable, as the lesson draws to a close. We may become impatient to put closure on it, but not yet feel empowered to do that. That's okay. The time is not yet right. Something important is still happening. When the time is right, we can trust that it will happen. We will receive the power and the ability to do what we need to do. Ending relationships or changing the boundaries of a particular relationship is not easy. It requires courage and faith. It requires a willingness on our part to take care of ourselves and, sometimes, to stand-alone for a while. Let go of fear. Understand that change is an important part of recovery. Love yourself enough to do what you need to do to take care of yourself, and find enough confidence to believe that you will love again. We are never starting over. In recovery, we are moving forward in a perfectly planned progression of lessons. We will find ourselves with certain people - in love, family, friendships, and work - when we need to be with them. When the lesson has been mastered, we will move on. We will find ourselves in a new place, learning new lessons, with new people. No, the lessons are not all painful. We will arrive at that place where we can learn, not from pain, but from joy and love. Our needs will get met. Today, I will accept where I am in my relationships, even if that place is awkward and uncomfortable. If I am in the midst of endings, I will face and accept my grief. God, help me trust that the path I am on has been perfectly and lovingly planned for me. Help me believe that my relationships are teaching me important lessons. Help me accept and be grateful for middles, endings, and new beginnings. Today, I will accept where I am

Today's Reading - Food for Thought

Working Compulsively We do not want to turn from compulsive overeating to compulsive working. This, too, is an attempt to escape reality. Compulsive working holds a particular danger for us, since when we allow ourselves to get overtired, we run the risk of breaking our abstinence. Working compulsively included the fear that what we do will not be good enough. It is when we are unsure of our self worth that we have to continually prove how much we can accomplish. Compulsive work is also a way to avoid meaningful relationship with family and friends. If we fear intimacy and exposure, we sometimes try to hide behind a facade of busyness. When God controls our will and our lives, we work according to His direction. We have the faith that what we do will be acceptable and enough. Believing that God cares for us, we do not rely only on our own abilities. Working for a Higher Power means that we work with serenity and confidence, knowing that He directs and sustains our efforts. Teach me how to work productively for You.

Today's Reading - Each Day a New Beginning

"Kindness and intelligence don't always deliver us from the pitfalls and traps. There is no way to take the danger out of human relationships." Barbara Grizzuti Harrison Relationships with other people are necessary to escape loneliness; however, relationships do not guarantee freedom from pain. Nurturing a meaningful relationship with another human being takes patience, even when we don't have any. It takes tolerance, even if we don't feel it. It takes selflessness, at those very moments our own ego is crying for attention. Yet, we need relationships with other; they inspire us. We learn who we are and who we can become through relationships. They precipitate our accomplishments. our creativity is encouraged by them, and so is our emotional and spiritual development. We can look around us, attentively. We can feel blessed, even when it's a negative situation. Every situation is capable of inspiring a positive step forward. Every situation is meant for our good. There's risk in human relationships, and it's often accompanied by pain. But I am guaranteed growth, and I will find the happiness I seek. i will reach out to someone today.

First I MIght Have to

Got home before the big snow:(

I WILL Do My Spiritual Work Today. I Will

I will I will I will. And soon, too.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Today's Reading - Food for Thought

Courage We pray for the courage to change the things we can. We cannot change the fact that we are compulsive overeaters, but we can change our actions so that we are not destroyed by our disease. Making changes requires the courage to start out on a new, unknown course. Courage does not mean the elimination of fear. Courage means acting in spite of the fact that we are afraid. It takes courage to learn to affirm one's rights as an individual, especially if the old way was to say yes to all demands and requests, reasonable and unreasonable. It takes courage to face the truth instead of continuing to live with comfortable illusions. Courage is necessary for working the steps of the OA program. Sometimes courage comes when we are pressed to a wall of failure. There is nothing to do but turn around and step out in a new direction, even though we are afraid. The courage born of desperation can produce remarkable results. Grant us the courage to move in Your direction.

Today's Reading - Each Day a New Beginning

"One needs something to believe in, something for which one can have wholehearted enthusiasm." Hannah Senesh Life offers little, if we sit passively in the midst of activity. involvement is a prerequisite if we are to grow. For our lives' purposes we need enthusiasm; we need enthusiasm in order to greet the day expectantly. When we look toward the day with anticipation, we are open to all the possibilities for action. We must respond to our possibilities if we are to mature emotionally and recover spiritually. idly observing life from the sidelines guarantees no development beyond our present level. We begin to change once we start living up to our commitment to the program, its possibilities and our purpose, and it's that change, many days over, that moves us beyond the negative, passive outlook of days gone by. The program has offered us something to believe. We are no longer the women we were. So much more have we become! Each day's worth of recovery carries us closer to fulfilling our purpose in life. I believe in recovery, my own; when I believe in success, I'll find it. There is magic in believing.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

More Grats

1. I just went to the store. 2. I am grateful for going, and also for so many things that came up while I was there. Including the man who said to me out of nowhere, “Have a nice day.” Not the checkout guy, just a man I passed by. 3. That I CAN go to the store. It is close enough. 4. And I can drive (technically I COULD walk, but that’s a lot). 5. And have a car. 6. And it is open. 7. And they have produce. To have produce so readily available is such a gift. I am so grateful. 8. And I bought produce and nonGMO tofu 9. And Boca vegan burgers which have so much protein. 10. And drove there safely. And back safely. I knew a girl who was killed in a car accident a block from her residential home. I am grateful I had safe trips today. 11. I bought eggplant, a pepper, salad, fresh spinach, stewed tomatoes, tomato sauce, onions, a couple more cheap plastic containers for freezing, even two magazines. Such wealth. Almost hedonistic. But I’m glad I did. And the magazines, one is about health. 12. And my little walk this morning when the man at one of the houses I passed, saying, “Good Morning. Merry Christmas.” That was nice today (the 26th). 13. That my mother cares about me. 14. And so does M. 15. And so does MA. 16. And so does O. 17. And so does St 18. And to some extent, J., I think. 19. And doggie: ) 20. This: “We haven't been singled out, of that we're certain. ..” I can’t find the rest of the quote now. But I know it made me feel better. 21. And now I’m going to go punch down my dough, and make some eggplant. And I might add more later, too.

So I MUST

WALK EVERY DAY! EAT VEGGIES EVERY DAY! DRINK WATER - WATER - EVERY DAY! FURTHER INTERNALIZE THE CONCEPT: ENOUGH. As in, enough is enough, Lynn. You don't have to do more than you have to do. You don't have to prove yourself to anybody. And you don't have to judge yourself harshly. Okay. Good.

My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful: 1. Remembering that our challenges offer us the lessons we need in the school of life makes them more acceptable. In time, as our recovery progresses, we'll even look eagerly to our challenges as the real exciting opportunities for which we've been created.” 2. This: “When we have confidence in our Higher Power and in ourselves, we are willing to try even though we may fail. If we fail, we are willing to try again. Since our will and our lives are turned over to God, as we understand Him, we have confidence that everything eventually works out for good. You are the source of confidence.” 3. And this: “"We have no right to ask, when sorrow comes, Why did this happen to me? Unless we ask the same question for every joy that comes our way." Philip S. Bernstein” That’s a huge huge lesson and very necessary for me. 4. And this, which I certainly hope IS true: “But gratitude doesn't always come from being a receiver. Gratitude is warmest when it accompanies the joy of being able to give without expecting anything in return. We find it isn't enough to feel grateful. We have to express our gratitude by showing kindness and service to everyone around us.” 5. And this: “How can I show my gratitude today?” I don’t know. Good question! 6. This: “I pray that I may be truly thankful.” 7. This: “Rather than inhibiting us, the kind of control we develop through this program liberates us from the bondage of self-will.” 8. And this: “Control my life, I pray.” 9. I – have just made dough! I haven’t done this in many years! Decades! 10. I THINK I want negative and dirty-feeling people out of my life. 11. L. is crazy and I have made a list of why it’s okay to be without him. He is nice and has compassion and cares for me, and is brilliant and funny and fun, and good in bed when he gets himself there, but he is crazy. And I’m sorry about that. But he lives in a state of good enough happiness. And what I’m grateful for here is that I have the list of why it’s ok to be without him. Although I MAY still spend SOME time with me, I’ll need that list to help me with expectations and self-strength, and moving on. 12. Breath came. Good. 13. I am so grateful that I can breathe on my own. 14. This: “When we are able to keep a quiet center within ourselves, we are truly in tune with the spirit.” 15. And this: “Just as the snow falls softly, without fear, without regard for whether it will land on a tree bough or in the street, we, too, can live our lives with peaceful acceptance of whatever comes along, knowing it comes to us naturally and from God.” 16. That I am trying to take it light. Dishwasher broken; just do dishes each time use. Just put away what use. Not look to bigger things right now. Have been too depressed for like 5 weeks. 17. God is with me. God is with me. Yes. Thank you, God. Okay. 18. This, that: “Letting go is one of the simple yet profound spiritual tasks taught by many of the world's religions.” 19. Wow: “Knowing how to be poor means knowing how to have a full and rich life without a dependent relationship with material wealth, food, chemicals, or sex.” 20. Or dependency on one other person? 21. “I don't expect to know everything, but my Higher Power can guide me and show me how to let go.” 22. “These meditations can teach us how to relax.” 23. “We can be of service to other people in a small way, at least.” 24. “And we can be happy while doing it.” 25. “ We should not worry too much about people we cannot help.” I am grateful for all of these thoughts. 26. “We can make it a habit to leave the outcome of the things we do to the Higher Power.” BUT WHAT ELSE SHOULD I BE DOING? Oh well, grateful for the thought anyway. 27. I SHALL do whatever I have to do. Perhaps no more, lol, but whatever I have to. Like, I’m kind of shaky, but I “need” a few items from the store. I am an inch away from asking someone else as a favor. But no. I shall go. In just a little while. 28. The herbal organic bre-drink I have here. 29. And seltzer 30. And water 31. And organic apples 32. And blueberries 33. “We can go along through life doing the best we can, but without a feeling of urgency or strain.” Oh, yes. May this be so. 34. “We can enjoy all the good things and the beauty of life,” Yeah? Good!! 35. “but at the same time depend deeply on God.” 36. “I pray that I may enjoy the satisfaction that comes from good work well done.” 37. My dough is inside rising now. 38. Spinach 39. Electricity 40. Doggie here 41. Claritan (especially since doggie here lol) 42. A little walk this morning 43. And it was brisk out and the air was crisp and nice. 44. That I ate the broccoli yesterday. 45. Affirmations 46. This: “Negativity is only a thought and a thought can be changed. I choose to replace all negative thought with positive healthy thoughts that nourish me on all levels.” 47. “As I learn to love myself more I also learn to share love with others.” 48. Maybe I will make a manifestation board. 49. “I am now ready and willing to embrace the changes I want in my life.” 50. “I accept change and I trust in life.” Oh. Good one. 51. “I am safe.” Wow. 52. My voice 53. My lungs feel clean today. Cleaner, after than toxic air situation yesterday. 54. Clean dishes 55. Heart beating for me 56. Eyesight 57. Freedom 58. Buddhism 59. Catholicism 60. This day off to take things at a slower speed. 61. I will get the dishwasher fixed or replace it. 62. Dishes 63. Glasses 64. Flatware 65. Cups 66. Specialty cups and saucers. 67. Including antiques 68. Teapots 69. Including and antique one. 70. Mugs 71. Teas 72. Coffee 73. Instant coffee 74. MA 75. L 76. Ml’s influence 77. St’s friendship 78. M’s love 79. My mother. Thank God. 80. J. For so long. And still. 81. Washing machine 82. Dryer 83. Place downstairs to hang clothes on the pipes. Doesn’t have to be like in my face up here. 84. This advice – for all of us – “able to be with him, and still stay open to other men and the things that were important to her. Things that had nothing to do with men.” 85. Reading this about someone real: “She felt so comfortable with herself and her life that, even though she loved him and he KNEW she loved him, she never gave off that feeling of desperation.” 86. And this, which is HUGE – no matter about what man! “She never got angry. She never got suspicious or distrustful. Because she knew she was making the choice to be with him.” 87. And this, which I really need to internalize too. I’m so glad I opened that (professional from a company) mail just now! “And when she felt too intensely, or sad, or upset, she stepped back enough to get her bearings and see if she wanted to choose to be with him even one more day.” 88. “He's not doing anything wrong, he's just doing what he feels like doing 89. “He isn't thinking about your future, or what's good for you 90. “He figures that you, just like him, are where you are because that's where you want to be. 91. “I used to blame my "boyfriend" for "leading me on." But it wasn't his fault. He might have been taking advantage of my "waiting," but, he didn't even see it as taking advantage. He just saw me doing what I wanted to do, just like he was. He wasn't about to take responsibility for my feelings. 92. “"Waiting" is putting your life on hold. But, letting a man take as much time as he wants to make a decision about what he wants in the relationship doesn't have to be about putting your life on hold! 93. “Don't PRETEND you're busy, unavailable or that you don't care. Pretending will work completely the OPPOSITE of how you want it to work. 94. ‘Instead, you have to BE busy and unavailable. And you have to CARE. And the person you have to care about most is YOU. This means, you care how you live your life. You care if you have fun or not. 95. “Date other men, or at least Date Yourself” 96. “Touch objects and really sense what you're feeling - this helps you connect with your feminine energy, which is very attractive to a man” 97. “Make up some rules and boundaries for yourself, and learn to speak to him from your heart 98. “you will never put your life on hold for any man, and that you are not a woman who "waits." 99. You are a woman who "lives." 100. Hope 101. That nice guy from Connecticut with whom I’m communicating. 102. That doing my spiritual work today has helped a bit. Yay oh thank you, God. 103. I’m about to go to the store right now. 104. My dr. might well come today.

Affirmations

I am now ready and willing to embrace the changes I want in my life. I accept change and I trust in life. I am safe. I am now ready and willing to embrace the changes I want in my life. I accept change and I trust in life. I am safe. I am now ready and willing to embrace the changes I want in my life. I accept change and I trust in life. I am safe.// I move from poverty thinking to prosperity thinking and my finances reflect this change. I move from poverty thinking to prosperity thinking and my finances reflect this change. I move from poverty thinking to prosperity thinking and my finances reflect this change.// Negativity is only a thought and a thought can be changed. I choose to replace all negative thought with positive healthy thoughts that nourish me on all levels. Negativity is only a thought and a thought can be changed. I choose to replace all negative thought with positive healthy thoughts that nourish me on all levels.// As I learn to love myself more I also learn to share love with others. As I learn to love myself more I also learn to share love with others. As I learn to love myself more I also learn to share love with others.// I create my vision of success and then experience it. I create my vision of success and then experience it. I create my vision of success and then experience it.

Feelings Work

I feel: Not so very well. But, a lot better than yesterday. That was hell! I am grateful not to be in that shape. I think it is because: Depression: Chemical. Really. And too absorbed in myself. And then letting things go. And not exercising. And skipping my pill too much. And biggy - not eating vegetables. And even too much white flour too. Not as bad: L's love and help. Broccoli! Prayer! Next time I will do differently: Have veggies AT LEAST by lunchtime every day. KEEP SOME ALREADY COOKED HERE AT ALL TIMES. AND/OR SALAD. So it is EASY to just eat them, and not in a form that I hate. 5 Good Things about Me: Authentic. Okay. 1. I have never given up. 2. I have a nice smile. 3. I try, and I mean well. 4. I play piano. 5. I am affectionate.

Today's Reading - Twenty Four Hours a Day

Meditation for the Day These meditations can teach us how to relax. We can be of service to other people in a small way, at least. And we can be happy while doing it. We should not worry too much about people we cannot help. We can make it a habit to leave the outcome of the things we do to the Higher Power. We can go along through life doing the best we can, but without a feeling of urgency or strain. We can enjoy all the good things and the beauty of life, but at the same time depend deeply on God. Prayer for the Day I pray that I may give my life to this worthwhile cause. I pray that I may enjoy the satisfaction that comes from good work well done.

Today's Reading - Touchstones (officially for men)

"He who knows how to be poor knows everything." Jules Michelet Letting go is one of the simple yet profound spiritual tasks taught by many of the world's religions. Knowing how to be poor means knowing how to have a full and rich life without a dependent relationship with material wealth, food, chemicals, or sex. It means not relying on the props in life like expensive clothes, a prestigious job, or a sporty car, but relying on the basics. Knowing how to be poor is knowing we are not in control and not wasting our serenity in trying. It means being completely honest in all things. It means knowing life is neither easy nor free of pain. Learning how to be poor is learning how to let go of all the essentials and appreciating the simplicity that endures. We don't automatically know how to do that, but we can learn. I don't expect to know everything, but my Higher Power can guide me and show me how to let go.

Today's Reading - Today's Gift

"I take it that what all men are really after is some form of, perhaps only some formula of, peace." James Conrad When snow drifts quietly down on a winter evening, the hush of nature brings a great sense of peace. Each of us has known times like this. Many of these times did not depend on conditions like snow, or soft music. When we are able to keep a quiet center within ourselves, we are truly in tune with the spirit. Peace of the heart comes from a Power greater than ourselves, and from the faith that all of us, and all that happens to us, are part of a great plan. Just as the snow falls softly, without fear, without regard for whether it will land on a tree bough or in the street, we, too, can live our lives with peaceful acceptance of whatever comes along, knowing it comes to us naturally and from God. Am I prepared to accept wherever I land today?

Today's Reading - The Language of Letting Go

Growth Just as when we were children and grew out of favorite toys and clothes, we sometimes grow out of things as adults - people, jobs, and homes. This can be confusing. We may wonder why someone or something that was so special and important to us last year doesn't fit the same way in our life today. We may wonder why our feelings have changed. When we were children, we may tried to fit an outgrown article of clothing on to our body. Now, as adults, we may go through a time of trying to force fit attitudes that we have outgrown. We may need to do this o give ourselves time to realize the truth. What worked last year, what was so important and special to us in times past, doesn't work anymore because we've changed. We've grown. We can accept this as a valid and important part of recovery. We can let ourselves go through experimentation and grief as we struggle to make something fit, trying to figure out if indeed it no longer fits, and why. We can explore our feelings and thoughts around what has happened. Then, we can put last year's toys be what they were: last year's toys. I will remember them with fondness for the part they played in my life. Then, I will put them away and make room for the new.

Today's Reading - Food for Thought

Control Control was something we either feared or did not know much about before we began the OA program. We resisted control as being opposed to our idea of spontaneous living, especially spontaneous eating. Control was for other people - our children perhaps - but not for us. Without control, we watched as self-will ran riot with our lives. We ate what we pleased, and then, angry and depressed, we said what we pleased and did what we pleased. The problem was that we ended up being not at all "pleased," but full of disgust and despair. Dimly, we may have realized that our suffering was due to lack of self-control, but we did not know how to go about acquiring what we lacked. By relinquishing our so-called control to a Higher Power, we learn what it means to be free. By using the OA concept of abstinence to control our eating, we find spontaneity in living. Rather than inhibiting us, the kind of control we develop through this program liberates us from the bondage of self-will. Control my life, I pray.

Today's Reading - Each Day a New Beginning

"It is only framed in space that beauty bloom; only in space are events, and objects and people unique and significant and therefore beautiful." Anne Morrow Lindrergh We must look closely; focus intently on the subjects of our attention. Within these subjects is the explanation of life's mysteries. To observe anything closely means we must pull it aside with our minds and fondle it, perhaps. We must let the richness of the object, the person, and the event, wash over us and savor its memory. Many of us only now are able to look around ourselves slowly, with care, noting the detail; the brilliant color of life. Each day is an opportunity to observe and absorb the beauty while it blooms. I will look for beauty today, in myself, and in a friend, and I will find it.

Today

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

I Guess One Thing I'll Do Is

Eat veggies for BREAKFAST starting tomorrow. I sank today. Low. 5th time in life so low. Realized haven't had green or cruciferous for days. CANNOT let that happen! If I have for breakfast, then no matter what happens later in day, at least I've got some in me to begin with. I had some broccoli a few hours ago finally, plus the toxic fumes from the dishwasher which broke or burned or something during cycle for like 2 hours - the fumes have finally gone. So I'm not as bad now. Unhappy and scared and disgusted but also grateful.

Today's Reading - Twenty Four Hours a Day

Thought for the Day Many [alcoholics, overeaters, addicts of all kinds] will be saying today: "This is a good Christmas for me." They will be looking back over past Christmases, which were not like this one. They will be thanking God for their [abstinence] and their newfound life. They will be thinking about how their lives were changed when they came into [program]. They will be thinking that perhaps God let them live through all the hazards of their [addictive] careers, when they were perhaps often close to death, in order that hey might be used by Him in the great work of [program]. Is this a happy Christmas for me? Meditation for the Day The kingdom of heaven is also for the lowly, the sinners, and the repentant. "And they presented unto him gifts - gold, frankincense, and myrrh." Bring your gifts of gold - your money and material possessions. Bring your frankincense - the consecration of your life to a worthy cause. Bring your myrrh - your sympathy and understanding and help. lay them all at the feet of God and let Him have full use of them. Prayer for the Day I pray that I may be truly thankful on this Christmas Day. I pray that I may bring my gifts and lay them on the altar.

Today's Reading - Touchstones (officially for men)

"In the sphere of material things, giving means being rich. Not he who has much is rich, but he who gives much." Erich Fromm Material possessions have great significance in our world. Not only do we strive to own a special car, electronic gear, and far more clothes than we need, but we also think in terms of possessing a girlfriend, or our health, or happiness, or things that cannot be owned. Some of us have become addicted to buying and owning things. This gimme-gimme mentality affects us all and, rather than enriching us, it impoverishes us. Tangible things enrich us only when we use them and share them to improve our lives and the lives of others. We don't need to be wealthy to share what we have with others. It is the sharing that nourishes us and builds bridges between us. Wise people have known for thousand of years that a man's spirituality is deeply affected by his relationship to his possessions. When we respect what we own as a gift from God and share it with others, we grow richer spiritually. I will hold my possessions loosely and with respect so they can be used well and shared.

Today's Reading - Today's Gift

"We have no right to ask, when sorrow comes, Why did this happen to me? Unless we ask the same question for every joy that comes our way." Philip S. Bernstein All of us have reasons to be grateful. Usually, the word implies we have received something. We often think of gratitude as that warm feeling we get from someone else's generosity. We are particularly grateful when we get unexpected gifts from those who owe us nothing. Within a family, we expect such acts of love because we are close to one another. But gratitude doesn't always come from being a receiver. Gratitude is warmest when it accompanies the joy of being able to give without expecting anything in return. We find it isn't enough to feel grateful. We have to express our gratitude by showing kindness and service to everyone around us. Gratitude is the greatest of all heart-openers. When it enters the heart, love pours out. For every kindness we receive, gratitude inspires a hundred acts of giving. How can I show my gratitude today?

Affirmations

I deserve all good in my life and I accept it now.

Today's Reading - The Language of Letting Go

The Holidays Sometimes, the holidays are filed with the joy we associate with that time of year. The season flows. Magic is in the air. Sometimes, the holidays can be difficult and lonely. Here are some ideas I've learned through personal experience, and practice, to help us get through difficult holidays. Here area some ideas I've learned through personal experience, and practice, to help us get through difficult holidays: Deal with feelings, but try not to dwell unduly on them. Put the holidays in perspective: A holiday is one day out of 365. We can get through any 24-hour period. Get through the day, but be aware that there may be a post-holiday backlash. Sometimes, if we use our survival behaviors to get through the day, the feelings will catch up to us the next day. Deal with them too. Get back on track as quickly as possible. Find and cherish the love that's available, even if it's not exactly what we want. is there someone we can give love to and receive love from? Recovering friends? Is there a family who would enjoy sharing their holiday with us? Don't be a martyr - go. There may be those who would appreciate our offer to share our day with them. We are not in the minority if we find ourselves experiencing a less than ideal holiday. how easy, but untrue, to tell ourselves the rest of the world is experiencing the perfect holiday, and we're alone in conflict. We can create our own holiday agenda. Buy yourself a present. Find someone to whom you can give. Unleash your loving, nurturing self and give in to the holiday spirit. Maybe past holidays haven't been terrific. Maybe this year wasn't terrific. But next year can be better, and the next a little better. Work toward a better life - one that meets your needs. Before long, you'll have it. God, help me enjoy and cherish this holiday. if my situation is less than ideal, help me take what' good and let go of the rest.

Today's Reading - Food for Thought

Confidence Our biggest problem was the inability to stop eating compulsively and the resultant obesity. This problem is never solved permanently, but it is overcome on a day-to-day basis. As we succeed in abstaining from compulsive overeating, we grow in confidence. Since by working the program we solve our biggest problem every day, we become confident that we can solve other problems as well. Confidence is trust that our Higher Power and OA will not let us down. Confidence is the knowledge that however tough life gets, we have tools and resources for dealing with it. Confidence believes in ourselves as children of God and people of value. Confidence is the willingness to give what we have, with the faith that our gifts are needed and acceptable. When we have confidence in our Higher Power and in ourselves, we are willing to try even though we may fail. If we fail, we are willing to try again. Since our will and our lives are turned over to God, as we understand Him, we have confidence that everything eventually works out for good. You are the source of confidence.

Today's Reading - Each Day a New Beginning

"What we suffer, what we endure...is done by us, as individuals, in private." Louise Bogan Empathy we can give. Empathy we can find, and it comforts. But our pain, the depth of it, can never be wholly shared, fully understood, actually realized by anyone other than ourselves. Alone, each of us comes to terms with our grief, our despair, even our guilt. Knowing that we are not alone in what we suffer, makes the difficulties each of us must face easier. We haven't been singled out, of that we're certain. Remembering that our challenges offer us the lessons we need in the school of life makes them more acceptable. In time, as our recovery progresses, we'll even look eagerly to our challenges as the real exciting opportunities for which we've been created. Suffering prompts the changes necessary for spiritual growth. It pushes us like no other experience to God--for understanding, for relief, for unwavering security. It's not easy to look upon suffering as a gift. And we need not fully understand it; however, in time, its value in our lives will become clear. I will not be wary of the challenges today. I will celebrate their part of my growth.

I Will Not Give Up. I WILL Change My Life

God help me. I have never been MORE miserable. I have been AS miserable. These times, that I know of: 1. When I left Hubby #1// 2. When Hubby # 2 left me, AND when I had those bad thoughts at that time // 3. When high school boyfriend, on whom I felt so dependent because my mother was so ill and I was so depressed, cheated on me// 4. When I did that bad thing last Sunday night// 5. When J. left me to move to LA, when we were dating. Those are the times. I lived through them. I will live through this. But I don't ever want it to happen again. So what can I DO? Eat veggies daily! No matter what! // Not eat junk. No matter what!// Lose weight! No matter what! // Pray daily! No matter what! // Do 100 grats a day! No matter what! // I don't KNOW what else!!!! God, help me to know. Please. And to do. Thank you and amen. OR - am i wrong? am i only ok if/when in a good relationship. so confused! wouldn't THAT be okay? Oh God, I don't know.

My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful: 1. That I can entertain myself. 2. That I ALWAYS could. Even as a little child. 3. Now it is the 25th. I HAVE TO find things I’m grateful for. Taxis 4. Dollars 5. Dog is alive 6. And didn’t get out of the open gate today. 7. Tv 8. Computer 9. Phone 10. I cannot be with L. Plus he wants to see others anyway. He actually believes, oh God help me, in things that aren’t real. Really. It’s a real sickness. And he believes that the sexual problems MIGHT be me, or our combination. Even though he’s had these problems for 40 years before he met me! But I am grateful that he called and gave me love and care, since I was feeling suicidal. I will take the care. Very grateful for the care and the love. 11. Humor. Like the obese guy trying new Dr. Oz approved fast foods on Dr. Oz right now as I write number 11. 12. That I, jealous and angry and devastated as I was, was able to say honestly to Louis, “Have fun,” on his way to the party. 13. Whatever understandings this has all helped me to learn. 14. The very bad fumes from the broken dishwasher have dissipated. Thank God. 15. And that all that happened today led me to knowing about them. So that I aired out the place. I hate to think of the dog possibly getting injured or killed if I’d not have known. 16. That I will take the time alone that I need and should have. If there is ANY hope for me, I MUST be okay without a guy. Then maybe later I can have a guy. I hate that shit. Because I think there are a lot of people who are okay even though they never had to be alone. But I don’t think I can do that. So I’m grateful that I’m doing all I can 17. Eyesight 18. Hearing 19. SmellTaste 20. Feel 21. Affection 22. Hugs 23. Sex 24. Orgasms 25. Love 26. Oak tree 27. Voice 28. Breath 29. Lungs 30. Heart 31. Liver 32. Kidneys 33. Feet 34. Hands 35. Legs 36. Arms 37. Neck 38. Carotid arteries 39. Spine 40. Ability to walk 41. Ability to drive 42. Ability to climb stairs 43. Car 44. House 45. Electricity 46. Heat 47. Floors 48. Ceilings 49. Roof 50. Windows 51. Doors 52. Stuffed animals for doggie 53. Feeling her next to me I bed these nights 54. Fruity drink 55. Apples 56. Broccoli. I haven’t had a vegetable for 2 days but now I just had broccoli, may I continue to eat vegetables. 57. K and the help she gave me, teaching me the feelings work and all 58. That I am doing gratitudes right now 59. That I will sleep after this 60. Wine. I’ll have a little glass or two tonight. Maybe 61. The supermarket 62. That I took my mother for her groceries yesterday 63. That I bought 6 little presents for L. 64. And since I have them already, I’ll get them to him. 65. That I am not in a hospital. 66. Or an iron lung 67. Or a prison 68. Or a concentration camp 69. Or a slavery situation 70. Or a war 71. Or a hostage situation 72. Or a prisoner of war camp 73. Fingernails and toenails to protect 74. And hair to protect head 75. I have not had my genitals mutilated. Some women have. 76. J. did not kill me when he thought to. 77. He got off drugs. I’m thankful for this for his sake 78. People who are happy today. Earlier I was only jealous. Now I’m happy for them too. 79. Knitting 80. Dog food 81. Water for her 82. That she’s alive and the outgassing didn’t “get” her. 83. Princess Diana. All the happiness she brought me. 84. When J. used to hug me 85. When L. used to hold me .When L. used to have sex with me. 86. My sensitivity. Really. 87. I do not have a plate in my head 88. Or a tumor 89. Or cancer 90. Or heart disease 91. Or a terminal illness 92. Or Crohn’s disease. 93. Or old old decrepit age yet 94. I tried to give my mother a good day. I did. 95. That I was able to cry and scream and be my depressive, angry, suicidal self today. 96. And didn’t get screamed at and hung up on. Got compassion. 97. Thank God for compassion. 98. Sitcoms 99. Laughter 100. Smiles 101. Chairs 102. Indoor plumbing.

So Today Is Christmas

And it can have magic in it, as can any and every day. I must try to be open-minded and open-hearted, despite the pain and problem from just last night. I won't go into it. I must have a day. And I must give my mother a day. Right now, I shall go straighten up. Praying the whole time. To YOU, no matter your spirituality, I wish you a beautiful day. I will be back to do my spiritual work. But right now I think my true spiritual work has to be doing the right thing for my mother.

Monday, December 24, 2012

My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful: 1. I am so grateful for doggie! 2. And that she is here! 3. And that I feel her in bed at night. Oh how wonderful. 4. And that I am “forced” to play with her a little. 5. Because I’ve been hermitting the last two days, I am especially grateful that I have to take my mother shopping today. 6. And that Christmas is tomorrow and I shall give her a nice day here. 7. I’m grateful for the lessons of this doggie, like, “Go to where the fun is!” 8. And, “Eat only enough – not more.” Yes! A DOG! 9. And, “Live. In. The. MOMENT!!!” 10. And I’m grateful for the lessons from the last doggie, a very different one. Including, “Always sit as close as you can to the music.” 11. And, “Be gentle. Shhh. Quiet. Gentle. Always.” 12. I’m grateful that this place will HAVE TO be straightened today. No choice, really, as mother coming tomorrow. 13. And for this yesterday: Quiet sweet, “Bap,” from outside (fenced in yard). I opened door further so she could get in. I said gently, “Get your toy.” She went out, scrambled through the leaves and got it. So cute. Pranced in with it. My little darling. 14. I am grateful that I watched a lot of the movie Marie Antoinette yesterday. 15. Followed by all of Sleeping with the Enemy. 16. A real girlie day. How luxurious to be able to afford one. Not like working 7 days a week in a factory. . . 17. And that I, for the first time in over a month, ENJOYED some time alone. 18. And that I them bought the Marie Antoinette book by Antonia Fraser. 19. Mosaics 20. The huge pool one in the park whose work my father helped supervise. 21. That my piano playing went better yesterday! 22. That these composers’ works still save me. Finally and still. So thankful. 23. Every comment I’ve ever received here. 24. That I am not living in guilt like I was last Monday! 25. That I am not living in the incredible fear and guilt I was a few years ago. I hadn’t even done anything! It had to do with my own thoughts when J. first left me. Oy. 26. I am grateful that my legs and arms work such that it will make my straightening today much easier than if I were less physically able. 27. This, “I will see the whole view in time. I see part of it daily. My mosaic is right and good and need my stumbles.” I need that. 28. “Be grateful every day for the brief but magnificent opportunity that life provides.” Carl Sagan 29. Facebook. Finally I’m USING it, not just logged there. And it’s nice to be in touch with people! 30. That despite all the things I dislike intensely about my life, I feel as ok as I do! 31. The concept of impermanence. It’s helping me enjoy the moment. Like the times with doggie: ) 32. This: “This holiday season, I will give myself permission to take care of myself.” 33. My treadmill. 34. I’m about to be given an iPad! As a gift! Yaaay! 35. Brewed coffee this morning, and instant too! 36. Fruits 37. Vegetables. 38. This: “"Celebration is a forgetting in order to remember. A forgetting of ego, of problems, of difficulties. A letting go." Matthew Fox” I used to do that every weekend, by escaping to vacations at L’s (or sometimes him coming here). And I shall do it tomorrow. And be careful with my money and find ways to do it more too! 39. And I shall do this tomorrow, for my mother: “Today, I will set my ego aside and let go of the usual things in my life in order to reach out to others and participate in celebration.” 40. Thich Nhat Hanh 41. Mindfulness 42. Breathing 43. And breathing meditation too 44. The song, This Pretty Planet 45. The song, “We Are All the Leaves of One Tree” 46. Lessons from students. So many. 47. That I’ve had this job. For so long. And still have it. It has enriched MY life so much, BESIDES allowing me to help OTHERS! SO fortunate. 48. My piano. And that it is all mine. 49. My emails with A. 50. M, who is having a good time in Florida 51. That MA is having a wonderful time. This is something she’s dreamt of for years and years – her grown children, one’s spouse and child, staying over at her house, like the “homestead.” I’m so happy she’s – they’re – having that today. 52. Li and all the help he gave me. 53. My English teacher in high school. 54. My second grade friend, R. 55. ML. And that I got to see her last week. 56. Roseanne repeats. They’re still cheering me up : ) 57. Beginning to read the Marie Antoinette book yesterday. And enjoying it so far. 58. Spelt toast with veg pepperoni and veg Havarti cheese and pimento. 59. Blueberry applesauce. Such luxuries. 60. This affirmation: “My views and opinions are important and I choose to be heard.” I need that! 61. And this one too: “Life is an adventure and I choose to live it fully.” 62. This quote from George Carlin: “Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.” 63. Every hour 64. Books 65. My Nook 66. Electricity 67. Flashlights 68. Heat 69. Wood floors 70. “My” oak tree 71. Water 72. Breath. Breath breath breath 73. That I have flown in airplanes. 74. And safely. 75. That I can move my limbs 76. And breathe on my own 77. Every time I’ve meditated 78. And all the people who’ve helped me with it. Especially G, and TNH, and J. and TNH’s monks and nuns. 79. That song to AvalokiteÅ›vara. 80. My Buddhist name that they picked for me, “True Compassion of the Heart.” 81. My dishwasher. 82. My washing machine 83. A basement, in which to hang clothes to dry 84. And a dryer for the towels and things 85. A shower 86. And a toilet 87. And a bathroom sink 88. Soap 89. Shampoo 90. Conditioner 91. A nail salon to which I can walk. Haven’t been there in months, but will this week! 92. THAT I will this week! 93. Every pedicure I’ve ever had. 94. Every massage I’ve ever had. 95. That I am not as NAUSEATINGLY – literally – shy as I was 11 years ago! 96. That I am able to work every day I need to. 97. Life. 98. So grateful to BE grateful for life. I certainly wasn’t always! 99. My hair 100. My teeth.

Affirmations

I close my eyes breathe deeply and think positive, loving thoughts.// I listen with Love to my body's messages. My body is always working toward optimum health. My body wants to be Whole and Healthy. I cooperate and become healthy, whole and complete.// My views and opinions are important and I choose to be heard.// Life is an adventure and I choose to live it fully.// I am a clear thinker and I express myself with ease.//

Feelings Work

I feel - messed up. Foggy. Like I did in high school. Like I can't do the things I have to do. Like I'm not looking forward to things. Like I'm lazy. Why? I don't know! Maybe this new e-relationship with A. is a little drag-down for me? And maybe not breaking clean from L. is a mistake? And maybe the money issues are really on my mind. And I am facing so many thing that I've never done and don't believe I can do but HAVE TO do. Like, I was born with a defective gene or something. And like I was raised to not know how the fuck to do things. And like I want someone to love me unconditionally. ... Do differently: Just do the daily things. And try to enjoy each day. ??? 5 Good Things about Me: 1. I'm mainly honest 2. I work on being PERFECTLY honest 3. I look at myself fearlessly and honestly and openly 4. I am generous 5. I am loyal

Today's Reading - Thought for the Day

Thought for the Day We have been given a new life just because we happened to become [alcoholics, overeaters,...] We certainly don't deserve the new life that has been given us. There is little in our past to warrant the life we have now. Many people live good lives from their youth on, not getting into serious trouble, being well adjusted to life, and yet they have not found all that we drunks have found. We had the good fortune to find [program] and with it a new life. We are among the lucky few in the world who have learned a new way to live. Am I deeply grateful for the new life that I have learned in [program]? Meditation for the Day A deep gratitude to the Higher Power for all the blessings which we have and which we don't deserve has come to us. We thank God and mean it. Then comes service to other people, out of gratitude for what we have received. This entails some sacrifice of ourselves and our own affairs. But we are glad to do it. Gratitude, service, and then sacrifice are the steps that lead to good [program] work. They open the door to a new life for us. Prayer for the Day I pray that I may gladly serve others out of deep gratitude for what I have received. I pray that I may keep a deep sense of obligation.

Today's Reading - Touchstones (which is officially for men)

"Celebration is a forgetting in order to remember. A forgetting of ego, of problems, of difficulties. A letting go." Matthew Fox A holiday presents us men with an opportunity to practice the letting go of this program. This is a special day to set aside our work and our routines, to put our problems and burdens on the shelf. Let us join with others who are also letting go on this day and celebrate. Maybe we can learn from them how they do it. We may have been too compulsive on past holidays to celebrate. Or perhaps our holidays are clouded with painful memories. We might miss loved ones or we may recall disappointments or the chaos of earlier holidays. There is no need for perfection in our celebration. We can have some tension, or pain, and yet set it aside as we join with others for a special day. Today, I will set my ego aside and let go of the usual things in my life in order to reach out to others and participate in celebration.

Today's Readng - Today's Gift

"He is Father. Even more, God is Mother, who does not want to harm us." Pope John Paul I God is many things to different people. Some call God "Father," others "Mother," still others "Higher Power," "Inner Light," "Deeper Self," and "Supreme Being." It doesn't matter what name we use. No one name is ever fully adequate, and each of us has our own private way of trying to understand that which we can't ever understand fully. We give God names, which attempt to express what God means to us personally, what God does for us as individuals, and how we see ourselves in relation to God. Could it also be true that other people can't be labelled and put into one box? Doing so limits them to one particular way of being understood, and it limits the ways we can get to know them. If we are all made in God's image, then we all deserve the freedom to be seen differently by different people. How does God look to me today?

Today's Readin - The Language of Letting Go

Getting through the holiday For some, the sights, signs, and smells of the holidays bring joy and a warm feeling. But, while others are joyously diving into the season, some of us are dipping into conflict, guilt, and a sense of loss. We read articles on how to enjoy the holidays, we read about the Christmas blues, but many of us still can' figure out how to get through the holiday season. We may not know what a joyous holiday would look and feel like. Many of us are torn between what we want to do on the holiday, and what we feel we have to do. We may feel guilty because we don't want to be with our families. We may feel a sense of loss because we don't have the kind of family to be with that we want. Many of us, year after year, walk into the same dining room on the same holiday, expecting this year to be different. Then we leave, year after year, feeling let down, disappointed, and confused by it all. Many of us have old, painful memories triggered by the holidays. Many of us feel a great deal of relief when the holiday is ended. One of the greatest gifts of recovery is learning that we are not alone. There are probably as many of us in conflict during the holidays than there are those who feel at peace. We're learning, through trial and error, how to take care of ourselves a little better each holiday season. Our first recovery task during the holidays is to accept ourselves, our situation, and our feelings about our situation. We accept our guilt, anger, and sense of loss. It's all okay. There is no right or perfect way to handle the holidays. our strength can be found in doing the best we can, one year at a time. This holiday season, I will give myself permission to take care of myself.

Today's Reading - Food for Thought

Thinking Straight Before we found this program, we did a great deal of thinking in circles. Since we did not know how to stop eating compulsively, we spent a lot of time thinking up reasons for our behavior, making plans for change, and rationalizing another day's failure to eat normally. Our thinking often wandered away into fantasy, spinning dreams of when we would be thin and on top of things. Since we had to have reasons for our inability to make the dreams materialize, we blamed our failure on the people around us. "If they were only more loving, considerate, capable, exciting, smarter..." Such circular thinking got us nowhere. The more we fantasized, the more we ate, and the more we ate, the more we withdrew from reality. When our minds are not muddles by too much food, our thinking is clarified. The Twelve Steps put us on the road to responsible action, rather than irresponsible rationalization. Accepting the fact that we have a disease keeps us in the world of reality instead of a fantasyland. With Your truth, keep my thinking straight.

Today's Reading - Each Day a New Beginning

"Follow your dream . . . If you stumble, don't stop and lose sight of your goal, press on to the top. For only on top Can we see the whole view . . ." Amanda Bradley Today, we can, each of us, look back on our lives and get a glimmering of why something happened and how it fit into the larger mosaic of our lives. And this will continue to be true for us. We have stumbled. WE will stumble. And we learn about ourselves, about what makes us stumble and about the methods of picking ourselves up. Life is a process, a learning process the needs those stumbles to increase our awareness of the steps we need to take to find our dream at the top. None of us could realize the part our stumbling played in past. But now we see. When we fall, we need to trust that, as before, our fails are "up," not down. I will see the whole view in time. I see part of it daily. My mosaic is right and good and need my stumbles.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful: 1. Praying to God this morning. 2. Facebook. 3. A’s emails and messages 4. Starbuck’s Christmas coffee. I was given a little as a gift. It’s so good. What a luxury. 5. My lamp in the den. It’s so cozy. There’s something about it I just love. 6. Light bulbs. Really. 7. M’s calls am. 8. That I will be here for HER. 9. Emails 10. Not being alone in cyberspace! 11. Assemblies at school. 12. Presents 13. This class. I love them. I have had some very difficult classes. I love them. 14. This principal. I love her too. I have had a couple of really difficult ones. So grateful for her. 15. Fresh spinach! 16. The miracle of onions! http://www.mdjunction.com/forums/bipolar-support-forums/tips/3549525-important-about-onions 17. And now it’s Saturday. I’m grateful it’s Saturday 18. And that I’m off from work. 19. And doggie might come today! 20. Grateful that I went out with M. for an hour or so last night. 21. And dumped that dating sites guy whom I think is not trustworthy – maybe married or something. 22. And that I got through my almost-phobia and went into the little city nearby to two stores, through all the not-knowing-where-I-was-going and all the Christmas TRAFFIC(!) 23. And that I got the thing for me I wanted. 24. And the little gift I wanted to get too. 25. Today’s Each Day a New Beginning. Wow, that’s a good one. 26. I am grateful for spinach. 27. And I bought my own Starbuck’s Christmas Coffee 28. I am grateful for Barnes and Noble bookstore 29. And my Nook. Especially in bed. 30. I’m thankful for hope 31. And this vacation. 32. And I THINK I’m thankful for this new friendship with A. 33. I am thankful for piano. And that during practice, I am in that moment; my head isn’t spinning elsewhere. 34. I was up so early that I just napped. And I’m glad I did! 35. And now it is Sunday. I am grateful for the waking up this morning. 36. L talking about purposeful universe or not, on the phone this morning 37. That he calls. For now that’s nice. 38. Coffee. Starbuck’s Christmas coffee this morning. 39. And that I gave a package of it to J. 40. When he brought – doggie here! Doggie is here! Yay! 41. And her tail has been wagging so much! 42. And she was so happy to see me! 43. And cuddly! 44. And playful! 45. And in my bed at night with me too for part of the night. 46. That I have never been in a fire. 47. Typing. 48. Roseanne repeats 49. I slept last night. A deep sleep. 50. Have cleaned up a bit. 51. I am grateful for trees. 52. And the park nearby. 53. And that I’ll be walking doggie today. 54. The opportunity to take my mother shopping. 55. The stars 56. The planets 57. And that I have seen them in the sky 58. And that I have taught some astronomy. 59. The radio show, Coast to Coast. 60. Books 61. Sheet music 62. Lamps 63. Electricity 64. My stove 65. Vegetable, especially organic ones. 66. Nuts 67. Peanut butter 68. Water. Access to plenty of fresh, clean water. 69. Intelligent conversation 70. Sex. 71. My body 72. My ability to walk 73. My ability to see 74. My ability to speak 75. I have never been a prisoner. Of any kind. 76. God 77. Prayer 78. Universal connectedness 79. Windows 80. “My” oak tree 81. Wood floors 82. That I have a car 83. People who think outside the box 84. People who think inside the box too 85. Myers-Briggs 86. Cabinets in my kitchen 87. Doggie’s little bark. So cute. 88. Chairs 89. Throw pillows 90. My heated mattress pad 91. My pillows on the bed 92. Good movies 93. That I enjoy acting. 94. Wood 95. Metal 96. Jewelry 97. Gemstones 98. Window treatments 99. Towels 100. Pretty undies

Affirmations

I am a clear thinker and I express myself with ease.// I find myself becoming more creative.// My income is constantly increasing in expected and unexpected ways and I continue to be amazed at the abundance and generosity of the universe.// I am loving, creative and intelligent. Choosing to see and accept myself this way allows me to make positive changes in my life.// I make choices that are good for me. I choose to put myself at the top of my priority list knowing that when I am well and happy I can help others even more.//

Feelings Work

I feel/ I think it is because/Next time I'll do differently: I feel like I'm a mess and my body and my house and my life are a mess. I feel like I'm defective and just can't take care of things. Of life. And yet I ALSO feel okay in the moment. I just don't like the way I'm living. I feel - lazy and not wanting to do all the things I don't want to do. And - I don't have rewards to look forward to right now. But - I'll have to FIND the rewards. Inside mySELF. Doggie is here - doing things for her is good. Piano is good. Helping my mother is good. Maybe I'll find a movie or play or museum and have a day out later in the week for myself, and just enjoy it. Saving money is good...Doing the 100 grats a day is good...I'll have to continue doing these things. And my friends.

Today's Reading - Twenty Four Hours a Day

Thought for the Day We have definitely left that dream world behind. It was only a sham. It was a world of our making and it was not the real world. We are sorry for the past, yes, but we learned a lot from it. We can put it down to experience, valuable experience, as we see it now, because it has given us the knowledge necessary to face the world as it really is. We had to become alcoholics in order to fine the [12 Step] program. WE would not have got it any other way. In a way, it was worth it. Do I look at my past as valuable experience? Meditation for the Day Shed peace, not discord, wherever you go. Try to be part of the cure of every situation, not part of the problem. Try to ignore evil, rather than to actively combat it. Always try to build up, never to tear down. Show others by your example that happiness comes from living the right way. The power of your example is greater than the power of what you say. Prayer for the Day I pray that I may try to bring something good into every situation today. I pray that I may be constructive in the way I think and speak and act today.

Today's Reading - Touchstones (which is officilaly for men)

"Loneliness is the way by which destiny endeavors to lead man to himself." Hermann Hissed We have an epidemic of loneliness among men in our world. Everywhere, men are walking around as though in plastic bubbles that prevent contact with others. We are cut off from closeness with our brothers and sisters, our own children, our mates, coworkers, and neighbors. We have learned to play the role, be efficient, and look good. Do we dare let others know how we feel? Will they look down on us? Will they think we're strange? All this has made us ripe for the diseases of addiction and codependency. Some of us have romanticized the pain of loneliness and glorified it. We sought some comfort for our pain, but we only perpetuated it. Breaking through the barrier to let someone know us can be incredibly difficult. Yet, just to say "i feel lonely" to another person makes us slightly less alone. Going to meetings and working this program provide a way out. The greatest benefits of the program for many of us have been recovery from loneliness and the genuine relationships we have developed. Today, I will reveal some of my feelings to another person.

Today's Reading - Today's Gift

"There are no riches above a sound body, and no joy above the joy of the heart." Anonymous Holidays are a wonderful and exciting time of year - a time to enjoy snowflakes falling, company coming, and presents. Sometimes we find ourselves concentrating solely on the wrapped presents and forgetting about the presents of the heart. With God's help, we can begin to notice such things as the hug from a brother or sister, the laugh of a grandparent or the hand-drawn card given to us by a friend. All of these wonderful presents and more are ours for the taking; we need only to see beyond the wrapped packages. It is then we will fully experience the joys of the heart. How many gifts do I see around me right now?

Today's Reading - The Language of Letting Go

Holiday Triggers "One year, when I was a child, my father got drunk and violent at Christmas. I had just unwrapped a present, a bottle of hand lotion, when he exploded in an alcoholic rage. Our Christmas was disrupted. It was terrible. It was frightening for the whole family. now, thirty-five years later, whenever I smell hand lotion, I immediately feel all the feelings I did that Christmas: the fear, the disappointment, the heartache, the helplessness, and an instinctive desire to control." Anonymous There are many positive triggers that remind us of Christmas: snow, decorations, "Silent Night," "Jingle Bells," wrapped packages, a nativity scene, stocking hung on a fireplace. These "triggers" can evoke in us the warm, nostalgic feelings of the Christmas celebration. There are other kinds of triggers, though, that may be less apparent and evoke different feelings and memories. Our mind is like a powerful computer. It links sight, sound, smell, touch, and taste with feelings, thoughts, and memories. It links our senses - and we remember. Sometimes the smallest, most innocuous incident can trigger memories. Not all our memories are pleasant, especially if we grew up in an alcoholic, dysfunctional setting. We may not understand why we suddenly feel afraid, depressed, and anxious. We may not understand what has triggered our codependent coping behaviors - the low self worth, the need to control, the need to neglect ourselves. When that happens, we need to understand that some innocuous event may be triggering memories recorded deep within us. If something, even something we don't understand, triggers painful memories, we can pull ourselves back into the present by self care: acknowledging our feelings, detaching, working the Steps, and affirming ourselves. We can take action to feel good. We can help ourselves feel better each Christmas. No matter what the past held, we can put it in perspective, and create a more pleasant holiday today. Today, I will gently work through my memories of this holiday season. I will accept my feelings, even if I consider them different than what others are feeling this holiday. God, help me let go, heal from, and release the painful memories surrounding the holidays. Help me finish my business from the past, so I can create the holiday of my choice.

Today's Reading - Food for Thought

Warning: Danger Ahead After we have lived the OA program for a time, it becomes a part of our deepest self. When a thought or impulse arises which threatens our program, we often feel a twinge of fear at the same time. This feeling of fear is a warning that whatever we are contemplating may be hazardous to our health. Not to heed these warning signals is the height of folly. We have learned from sad experience that certain thoughts and actions are not for us, if we want to maintain our abstinence and our sanity. When confronted with a difficult choice, we need to listen carefully for the small voice of conscience, which warns us of disaster ahead if we choose foolishly. Our Higher Power never allows us to be tempted beyond our ability to withstand the temptation, provided we recognize our need for His saving strength. By paying attention to the small warning twinges of fear, we can avoid thoughts and actions, which go against His, will for us. May I heed the danger signals You send.

Today's Reading - Each Day a New Beginning

"...The present enshrines the past." Simone de Beauvoir Each of our lives is a multitude of interconnecting pieces, not unlike a mosaic. What has gone before, what will come today, are at once and always entwined. The past has done its part, never to be erased. The present is always a composite. In months and years gone by, perhaps we anticipated the days with dread. Fearing the worst, often we found it; we generally find that which we fear. But we can influence the mosaic our experiences create. The contribution today makes to our mosaic can lighten its shade, can lighten its contrast, and can make bold its design. What faces us today? A job we enjoy or one we fear? Growing pains of our children? Loneliness? How we move through the minutes, the hours, influences our perception of future minutes and hours. No moment is inviolate. Every moment is part of the whole that we are creating. We are artists. We create our present from influences of our past. I will go forth today; I will anticipate goodness. I will create the kind of moments that will add beauty to my mosaic.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Gratitudes Coming Later

Affirmations

I slowly and deeply breath in and out and find my body relaxing and my mind calming.// I am in the process of making positive changes in all areas of my life.// I Love Life. It is my birthright to live fully and freely. I give to life exactly what I want Life to give to me. I am glad to be alive. I Love Life!// Wonderful new opportunities to share my unique gifts now open up for me and I choose to recognise and accept them.// I prosper wherever I turn. I now see opportunities for abundance everywhere I am blessed and prospered."

Feelings Work

I feel/I think it is because: Shitty. Tired. Scared. Lonely. Almost hopeless as far as relationships go. Also grateful for so much. Maybe because, in part, I need more vegetables and sleep and clean house and I hate a number of the things I have to do today. And L. And the two disappointing ones on dating site. Still sad about those children last week in Connecticut. Next Time I'll Do Differently: Keep up with things? Eat more veggies? WORK ON FULFILLING MYSELF, so, well, you know. 5 Good Things about Me: 1. Charming (according to L.) 2. Beautiful (according to L.) 3. Sexy (according to L.) 4. Emotionally open (according to me) 5. Honest (according to both of us)

Today's Reading - Twenty Four Hours a Day

Thought for the Day As we look back over our drinking careers, we must realize that our lives were a mess because we were a mess inside. The trouble was in us, not in life itself. Life itself was good enough, but we were looking at it the wrong way. We were looking at life through the bottom of a whiskey glass, and it was distorted. We could not see all the beauty and goodness and purpose in the world because our vision was blurred. We were in a house with one-way glass in the windows. People could see us but we could not look out and see them and see what life meant to them and should mean to us. We were blind then, but now we can see. Can I now look at life as it really is? Meditation for the Day Fear no evil, because the power of God can conquer evil. Evil has power to seriously hurt only those who do not place themselves under the protection of the Higher Power. This is not a question of feeling; it is an assured fact of our experience. Say to yourself with assurance that whatever it is, no evil can seriously harm you as long as you depend on the Higher Power. Be sure of the protection of God's grace. Prayer for the Day I pray that fear of evil will not get me down. I pray that I may try to place myself today under the protection of God's grace.

Today's Reading - Touchstones

"There isn't enough darkness in all the world to snuff out the light of one little candle." Anonymous Our lives can be like a battle between darkness and light. The darkness might be in our moods when we wake in the morning with feelings of despair. Then we can turn to the light of a prayer for openness: "God help me feel your love and acceptance." The darkness is there when we are tempted to take advantage of a clerk who gives us too much change. Perhaps we tell ourselves, "Everyone does it, it won't matter if I do." Then the light comes as we remember that this program demands rigorous honesty, and each choice for honesty promotes our growth. The darkness may be when someone we care about is hurt or in danger, and we think, I have to step in to prevent bad things from happening." Then we turn to our Higher Power for strength to stay in the relationship, but not control it. Today, I can take a leap of faith by choosing an action and accepting that one small choice for the light makes a difference - even in all the darkness.

Today's Reading - Today's Gift

"And the seasons, they go round and round And the painted ponies go up and down We can't return, we can only look Behind from where we came And go round and round and round in the circle game." Joni Mitchell High in the mountains near Sun Valley, Idaho, in a small cabin. The cabin is always left open for hikers to rest and refresh themselves. There is food in the cabin and wood for a fire. Often, weary backpackers have arrived there, tired and thirsty, to find just the beverage or snack they needed to help them on their way. The cabin operates on a system of trust - if you use something in the cabin, you replace it with something else. Perhaps it is just the thing the next traveller needs to go on. It is a circle game. We are all part of a big circle. It we give of ourselves or do a favor for someone, eventually - sometimes years later - someone will do something for us that will help us on our way. We do these little deeds without expecting to be rewarded, and we can accept others' little gifts without feeling forever in someone's debt. These unselfish acts, stored in our mountain cabin, stand ready for the next traveller. What gift can I pass on to another today?

Today's Reading - The Language of Letting Go

Good Things Coming Do not worry about how the good that has been planed for you will come. It will come. Do not worry, obsess, and think you have to control it, go out hunting for it, or tangle your mind trying to figure out how and when it will find you. It will find you. Surrender to you higher Power each day. Trust your Higher Power. Then, stay peaceful. Trust and listen to yourself. That is how the good you want will come to you. Your healing. Your joy. Your relationships. Your solutions. That job. That desired change. That opportunity. It will come to you - naturally, with ease, and in a host of ways. That answer will come. The direction will come. The money. The idea. The energy. The creativity. The path will open itself to you. Trust that, for it has already been planned. It is futile, a waste and drain of energy, to worry about how it will come. It is already there. You have it already. It is in place. You just cannot see it! You will be brought to it, or it will be brought to you. Today, I will relax and trust that the good I need, will find me. Either through my leadings, or the leadins of others, all I want and need will come to me when the time is right.

Today's Reading - Each Day a New Beginning

"When action grows unprofitable, gather information; when information grows unprofitable, sleep." Ursula K. LeGuin Sometimes we need to turn away from what's troubling us. Turn it over, says the Third Step, hanging onto a situation for which no solution is immediately apparent, only exaggerates the situation. It is often said the solution to any problem lies within it. However, turning the problem over and over in our minds keeps our attention on the outer appearance, not the inner solution. Rest, mediation, quiet attention to other matters, other persons, opens the way for God to reveal the solution. Every problem can be resolved. And no answer is ever withheld for long. We need to be open to it, though. We need to step away form our ego, outside of the problem and then listen fully to the words of friends, to the words that rise from our own hearts. Too much thinking, incessant analyzing, will keep any problem a problem. I will rest from my thoughts. I will give my attention wholly to the present. Therein will come the solution, and when least expected.

Friday, December 21, 2012

Today's Reading - The Language of Letting Go

Balance Strive for balanced expectations of others. Strive for healthy tolerance. In the past, we may have tolerated too much or too little. We may have expected too much or too little. We may swing from tolerating abuse, mistreatment, and deception to refusing to tolerate normal, human, imperfect behaviors from people. Although it's preferable not to remain in either extreme too long, that is how people change - real people who struggle imperfectly toward better lives, improved relationships, and more effective relationship behaviors. But if we are open to ourselves and to the recovery process, we will, at some time, begin another transition: it becomes time to move away from extremes, toward balance. We can trust ourselves and the recovery process to bring us to a balanced place of tolerance, giving, understanding, and expectations - of others and ourselves. We can each find our own path to balance as we begin and continue recovery. Today, I will practice acceptance with others and myself for hte way we change. If I have had to swing to the other extreme of a behavior, i will accept that as appropriate, for a time. But I will make my goal one of balanced tolerance expectations of others and myself.

Today's Reading - Food for Thought

Paradoxes Our program contains some surprising paradoxes. When we admit that we are powerless, we can receive Power. When we accept what we do not like, it begins to change. As long as we remember we are sick, we can continue to recover. The key to these paradoxes is our willingness to believe in a Higher Power. By ourselves, we are weak, ineffectual, and sick. When operating in accordance with the will of the Power greater than ourselves, our potential is limitless. Until we admit defeat, we will not succeed with the OA program. The biggest defeat is the one that is dealt to our illusions of self-reliance and self-sufficiency. As long as we insist on trying to control our lives by ourselves, we will be confused. It is by relinquishing control that we gain strength and are freed from our compulsion and obsession. We save our lives by giving them away. May I accept the paradoxes that I do not understand.

Today's Reading - Each Day a New Beginning

"Every person is responsible for all the good within the scope of her abilities, and no more..." Gail Hamilton We have been given the gift of life. Our recovery validates that fact. Our pleasure with that gift is best expressed by the fullness with which we greet and live life. We need not back off from the invitations our experiences offer. Each one of them gives us a chance, a bit different from all other chances, to fulfill part of our purpose in the lives of others. It has been said that the most prayerful life is the one most actively lived. Full encounter with each moment is evidence of our trust in the now and thus our trust in our higher power. When we fear what may come or worry over what has gone before, we're not trusting in God. Growth in the program will help us remember that fact, thus releasing us to participate more actively in the special circumstances of our lives. When we look around us today, we know that the persons in our midst need our best, and they're not there by accident but by Divine appointment. We can offer them the best we have - acceptance, love, support, our prayers, and we can know that is God's plan for our lives and theirs, I will celebrate my opportunities for goodness today. They'll bless me in turn.

Journal/Dear God

Journal: December 21, 2012 6:37 am Dear God: I will take care of myself today. I will do some cleaning. I will eat some veggies. I will not overeat. I am grateful for my life. I’m not happy to not be in a good, exclusive, primary relationship right now. But maybe it’s JUST what I need. So I’ll put my own health, eating, housekeeping, job, piano, self, friends first. More building of SELF must be needed. I will do it. Breath.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful: 1. Honesty. Everyone who has it. 2. That I have decided to listen to myself, not others. My own experience. It is scary but I am doing it. 3. That I am back to being the decent person I am. Not like Sunday night. 4. JJ and EJ and their help about forgiveness of self. Wow. Huge. 5. Vegetables. How they help me not only physically but emotionally 6. Water 7. The gift of coffee I got yesterday. Perfect. The very day I had run out of coffee, too. 8. That I am having some of it right now. 9. Days off coming up. 10. Music 11. Classical Music 12. Koko the gorilla 13. And that she gets to eat so well. 14. And frankly, she is a good example. 15. M called. 16. L. called. 17. I slept last night. 18. Nice red wine last night. 19. Dishwasher 20. My Japanese students. I’m not trying to be for one nationality, but my Japanese students and their parents have been so particularly wonderful. 21. Cousins visits when I was little 22. The feeling of security I’ve had in my life 23. That I have never been shot at. 24. That my students haven’t either. 25. My breasts. Their look AND their feel. 26. My credit card 27. My little house 28. Fruit 29. My iPhone 30. I think I’ll be getting an iPad, maybe! 31. Angels 32. Caring people 33. Ann Curry http://usnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2012/12/18/15999109-if-you-do-good-youll-feel-good-ann-curry-explains-origins-of-26acts-of-kindness?lite 34. Fingernails protect us 35. Governments that do try and promote peace 36. TVs 37. Vegans 38. All people who care at all about animals in any way 39. All people who care at all about people in any way 40. Children 41. Their smiles 42. I am grateful that I have a roof over my head 43. And heat 44. And electricity 45. And a washing machine. I remember when I used to go to the Laundromat and how much I wanted to have the washing machine in my house. 46. Math. I never thought I’d say THAT! 47. Things I have learned from L. 48. And from my relationship with him. 49. Gratitudes 50. K and how she helped me 51. MA and her friendship and love 52. My Nook 53. Picasso 54. Canine Good Citizenship 55. That doggie is a canine good citizen 56. That she and J used to do therapy at nursing homes. So nice. For both of them AND the patients 57. Bracelets 58. Knitting 59. The color cream. I really like it. It’s like, soothing to me. 60. God 61. Thich Nhat Hanh 62. Bookcases 63. The first Royal Doulton I ever saw. It was black and white and called, Autumn Breezes. Here it is, but it does NOT translate to pictures very well! Plus, I was 14 years old. http://www.ebay.com/itm/Royal-Doulton-Autumn-Breezes-Figure-Black-White-Figurine-HN2147-Doll-Retired-/310500844538 64. School 65. Books 66. Teaching 67. Learning 68. Checks I get 69. Water 70. Shower. It is lucky to be able to take a shower right here in my home 71. Photographs 72. Air conditioning for summer 73. Lamps 74. Wood floors 75. Pretty rugs 76. Sofas 77. Piano 78. Love in my life 79. “My” oak tree 80. Doggie will be here next week! 81. That I have never been a victim of road rage 82. Homemade soup 83. My mother will be here for Christmas 84. My principal 85. And her hugging me yesterday 86. Her smiles through the halls 87. Our assistant’s smiles through the halls 88. I’ve been getting presents. 89. Cheerful people 90. That I can be one of them! 91. Earrings 92. My hair 93. That I HAVE hair. I had a friend who didn’t. She had alopecia. 94. Chairs 95. My desk at work. It is not a typical school desk. J. got it for me. 96. Charities 97. Volunteers 98. Paintings 99. Stereos 100. My car stereo system. 101. Youtube 102. facebook