Thursday, March 31, 2011

Today's 100 Gratitudes

I am grateful:

1. the promises I made to God yesterday
2. The people I e-mailed e-mailing me back
3. That I did meditate this morning
4. That I lived through the nasty thing that happened
5. That a number of people have showered me with love
6. That I am brave
7. That I did do 20 minutes of step 4 work today
8. That I am using the little book I bought at that meeting to do it
9. That first thing this morning I did *kneel * and pray
10. That I did my 3rd step prayers (both
11. And my readings
12. And from yesterday too
13. That I saw that gorilla video yesterday. Incredible. And in fact, I’ve seen it before
14. That I’ve decided to put my energies into doing the right thing. Taking the steps. Praying to God and following it up with some action
15. That I did get to the meeting last night
16. That I shared honestly
17. That I saw Ju and we talked a little
18. That people talk of recovery in those rooms
19. That they read the promises at that meeting
20. That it is so close to my house
21. That I did manage to sleep after all (and to wake up)
22. That I’m not letting my lack of understanding that I have to serve serve serve hold me back
23. That I had that chat with Fs mom yesterday about the good and the bad
24. That I ate vegetables
25. That I ate 3 normal sized meals and an apple in between and a juice-aide in between and nothing else, so I was abstinent
26. That I am beginning to understand the importance of abstinence
27. That I took back my place on the vb
28. That some people wrote great happiness about it
29. That I ate in the teacher’s room
30. And we laughed and laughed
31. That my dr did come yesterday
32. And is trying to help me
33. That I will exercise today. Because I promised God. Maybe if I cannot walk outside or something, I will do some of the ones from the ww site. Either way, I will take the time at lunchtime. Meditate again, and exercise, still gives me almost half an hour to eat. If M doesn’t have lunch because she thinks we are going out, then I’ll do it at prep time. If we have a meeting at prep time, then I’ll do it at 4:00 or so when I get home
34. That there is a meeting tonight and I will probably be able to drive to it
35. That there is a meeting I can get to every single day except Fridays (and even Fridays when I’m not at work)
36. That my pension will probably be safe
37. That B will move in with J’s mother. If it is in their best interest, then I am grateful for it
38. That I am looking to really get over my pride.
39. That I’ve started answering one question.
40. That I’ll do step 4 this way now, with L, I think. At least I’ll ask about it.
41. For the smile and the sense of peace I felt during meditation this morning.
42. For the sense of peace I felt during my God the Father and Blessed Virgin Mary prayers this morning.
43. That L gave me full (plus a little) time today
44. That he *started * by thanking me for always starting his day and exactly on time
45. That I’ve taught two classes now, the “We are all the leaves of one tree,” song
46. That I feel I can and will make my kids happy today, keep them busy and active
47. That we do idol and it’s so good for them and so sweet and they love it
48. That I was great when the Chinese came through with their videocameras (hope I’m not repeating this)
49. That I am able to make it to the bathroom. Some people have to wear bags
50. That maybe I’ll go to oa instead of coda next time, as it doesn’t leave me feeling as depressed. This time or next, maybe
51. Phone lists
52. E-mail lists!
53. That I should probably call Mar between 5 and 6:30, that’s one call not too bad to make
54. And Jo. Same time period
55. That I am asking for God’s help in staying abstinent today, and I will take the actions to go along with it
56. That there is hope that I will be able to be more positive now
57. That I’m not letting a day go by without step work now
58. That we heard from Ka and she is winning over her cancer.
59. That I will prayer for her and the others I have promised to pray for
60. That I did yesterday
61. That I eat breakfast every day
62. That I think today’s is not any white flour
63. That Me brought in more waters
64. That we’re getting through the math
65. That we’re doing better at the poetry
66. That I am breathing and no “hole-in-stomach” feeling right this second
67. For the phrase, The precise moment I was in was always the only safe place for me
68. For Eleanor Roosevelt’s, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent
69. For my dr reminding me about advertising and internal confidence
70. And me reading about it on msn yesterday
71. And my “accidentally” turning to the *wrong * page in For Today today, and it being *exactly * what I needed to read!
72. For Ta (student)
73. For Ri
74. For Char
75. For Ja
76. For Ma
77. For Wi
78. For Jo
79. For Jo
80. For Et
81. For Al
82. For Aa
83. For Qu
84. For Da
85. For Ke
86. For An
87. For F
88. For Cl
89. For Ry
90. For Al
91. For Ha
92. For Ta
93. For Ma
94. For enough time in the mornings and this morning
95. That the weather was beautiful yesterday
96. For everyone who accepts me
97. For hope
98. For the smell of detergent
99. For soap
100. For shampoo
101. For conditioner

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

My Qualities?

According to my sponsor, I am supposed to make a list of my good qualities. I can't really think of any.

Let's see.

I have intelligence.
humor
compassion for animals
sensitivity

uh oh - but i didn't exercise these enough with j, and am starting to feel sick again. I'd better stop, and talk to him or dr before going on with this

damn

My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful:

1. that my dr comes today
2. that I lived through the night
3. that I felt better after chatting with Meredith last night, and laughing and chatting together
4. that I’m praying for whatever she needs – for her to have the strength for whatever is best for her
5. that my thumb feels a little better today
6. that I don’t have to take sleeping pills
7. l. said list diseases don’t have. Have done some. Here are more. I’m grateful I don’t have aids
8. or herpes
9. or diabetes
10. or high blood pressure
11. or need for hip replacement
12. or knee replacement
13. or schizophrenia
14. or split personality
15. or add
16. or dyslexia
17. or mental retardation
18. or
19. asbergers
20. or autism
21. or learning disability
22. or cutting
23. or bulimia
24. or flesh eating disease
25. or staph
26. or legionairres
27. or leprosy
28. or epilepsy
29. or brain damage
30. or inability to take fod ang grow etc like ma’s brother in fr
31. or that suprt aging disease
32. or alopecia
33. or
34. leukemia
35. or colitis
36. o non-hodgkins lymphoma
37. or alzheimers
38. anemia
39. amnesia
40. inability to swallo
41. ulcers
42. ra
43. arthritis
44. crippled
45. I’ve also known people who had prolapsed rectum
46. And prolapsed vagina
47. Down’s syndrome
48. Dementia
49. I’m grateful that I’m able to drive
50. And shop
51. And count money
52. And be treasurer for that oa group
53. And mail letters
54. And write checks. I remember when I couldn’t do some of these things
55. And shower
56. And dry myself
57. And wipe myself
58. And do my own eye drops
59. And comb my own hair
60. That p met with me and did write that e-mail
61. And I though of an idea to help her out of her mistake
62. That corn writes to me
63. And ej does
64. And rh does
65. And jo does
66. And sometimes sa does
67. And ma sends things
68. That I loved the book an uncommon reader
69. And the other 3 loved it and the other one like it too – im glad it was a lighthearted little read (I need more like that)
70. That we had a nice book group yesterday
71. That I have some spirituality
72. That my stomach is not quite as nervous as when I first woke up
73. Hope
74. Please God, help us. I’m grateful that I am able to say that. And that God can hear me.
75. The quality of elegance
76. That my coffee was already made this morning
77. That I am doing more for myself, and won’t be such a drain
78. My muscles and that they still work
79. That I have more time (probably)
80. Fabrics
81. J being so great about planning our wedding
82. And picking my piano
83. And our engagement
84. Brass
85. Copper
86. Gold
87. Silver
88. Platinum
89. Coal
90. Diamonds
91. Our furnace still working
92. The embroidery I’ve done
93. The first crewel work piece I made, and, the one I designed myself in college
94. All the hours I used to walk around cc when it was so lovely
95. When I used to be able to sit under the weeping willow tree at t and embroider
96. When I sat by the front entrance those times with m (dog) and read prevention
97. When I helped sand floor
98. And paint trim in ji’s apartment
99. And work on the boat
100. And baked homemade bread
101. Andpizza
102. And spanikopita
103. And lasagnas

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

today's hundred gratitudes

I am grateful:

1. that I got up and made the coffee, instead of calling in
2. that I don’t binge as much as I used to
3. that I had broccoli yesterday
4. that I got through yesterday at work
5. that I have dvds for the class for learning
6. that I got the name of a good thumb guy
7. that it’s beginning to feel better last night and today
8. that tr helped me and she got the flat stanleys out
9. that k helped me with the workman’s comp stuff
10. that m gave me a name
11. and c did too
12. and drs did too
13. and they all matched j’s
14. and he’s in charge of that major sports team too
15. that these tings help me feel safer
16. that god is at work in my life
17. that he can heal my marriage too
18. that I let the kids trace
19. and will again
20. singing
21. my courage
22. chance at health
23. bowel movements regularly every day
24. enough energy to get through a day
25. the light book I am reading for today’s course
26. b’s words about not letting “this man,” m, who worked at my gr. level in gr. 4, get to me so much, may it help me now with the f’s mother frustration
27. that I am able to function, not like when had that big injury and didn’t even know if could ever work again
28. that I can call l in a little while
29. every time I do not have knots in my stomach like I do have now
30. that sometimes I do meditate
31. that feelings usually do not kill one
32. that I haven’t killed myself
33. that tomorrow I have therapy session, although other than a bit of comfort I’m not sure it’s elping
34. that when I was so worried about my health and healing fri sat & sun, I was not as obsessed about this other stuff
35. that I am an adult and can make choices
36. that I am trying to grow up
37. that I have started to
38. the people from the sangha, like m
39. amd d
40. and dar l, who died
41. ja giving me that better splint yesterday
42. safe trip to work yesterday despite the hand stuff
43. and home
44. sleep and not remembering horrible nightmares last night
45. that I’m working on these gratitudes even though it is very hard today
46. that I learned some lessons about this school stuff not mattering that much, during my mother’s big illness
47. that many people like me
48. our minnie mouse jokes
49. the walk I took w ph the day before yesterday
50. when j came back from ca and said he loved me
51. that I was able to make the coffee today
52. maha
53. the online tnh course I took
54. that I could afford it
55. that I haven’t had a cold this year
56. that my nails are growing better now
57. that my blood pressure was 110 over 70 at drs the other day
58. my little black timer
59. that j bought it for me
60. list positive qualities l says to – so, I am also grateful for these qualities in me:
61. I am compassionate
62. I am smart
63. I can type fast
64. I have a sense of humor
65. God might put a stop there before my undoing the looking at my strengths
66. That no one is hitting me
67. Or cheating on me
68. Weather gonna be nicer in a couple of days
69. Ma was there for me fri
70. I can sleep later
71. L’s laughter this morning
72. My blood flows
73. L saying just now, nobody is perfect, and that’s why we make amends
74. And that god works miracles
75. Watching hoarders the other day
76. L telling me it takes time
77. And to have faith
78. That god WILL work his miracles
79. I can be abstinent today
80. Calming, l saying calmly, it takes time
81. why do I have to feel bad? Because didn’t feel bad for so many years when I did things wrong
82. And as it takes time, I do get better and better
83. L says he had to be alone and miserable in order to grow up
84. And had to feel the pain in order to do it
85. That I am a little bit calmer now after talking to him
86. That maybe I’ll start making the coffee a little bit weaker
87. That our planet is still alive
88. That “this too shall pass”
89. That p likes to eat lunch with me
90. Tablecloth restaurants
91. That I’ve finally learned what really counts
92. Please god, because I’m grateful that it might not be too late
93. Having begun to learn to put my recovery first
94. That I don’t sit frozen on the sofa anymore, like did in summer
95. That there are moments when I’m not so scared
96. That they will most likely come again
97. That I work for one of the best districts in the world
98. K.l. and the times we were invited there
99. Happy-g-lucky people
100. Every laugh I’ve had with j
101. That he still kisses me

Monday, March 28, 2011

my 100 gratitudes today

I am grateful

1. that I got to do all 100 these past 2 days, even though 1 finger left hand tying
2. that my mother and I had such a good laugh yesterday over her thinking those dog treats were treats for her – human treats – and tasted 1 and thought j was crazy for giving them to her
3. that j and I had a good laugh together over it too
4. that I have prayers to god and mary now, and start my days with them as well
5. that I’m praying for m
6. that my mother is too
7. photos of me over the years
8. that someone else is teaching a lesson today again
9. that I can manage a class
10. the great job I did with the Lincoln center work
11. that I can try and baby my hand today
12. that I could feel ph against my belly last night
13. eyelashes
14. that indeed I did what they say: came for the vanity stayed for the sanity
15. that I’m not a hoarder like I saw on the show
16. that I’m consistently breathing well now
17. and valuing my health
18. for all that I’m learning; growing from doing these gratitudes
19. for my 9 fingers that are fine
20. for my 10 toes that are fine
21. for abstinence yesterday
22. for original so milk, and that I like it now
23. finding out how to better avoid genetically modified food
24. education
25. my philosophy course
26. and having the courage about that supposed f that did indeed turn out to be a 100%
27. that I know tr will help me with the hand stuff today
28. lesson from p. j. about “getting it done and getting on with my life”
29. telephones
30. car radios
31. weather channel
32. hard copy books
33. the idea of slipcovers to lighten things up here, whether do it or not
34. that I got through the weekend
35. and likely will get through today as well
36. private messages through facebook
37. good school nurses
38. workman’s comp, maybe it will apply now
39. knowing to fill out the absent forms for tc now
40. laptop batteries
41. and jo teaching me to let them run down so they’d hold a charge better
42. that she works in our school
43. our big square coffee table
44. drawers
45. that I did get the laundry done yesterday
46. beautiful pigs and every happy day they have
47. the time j and I stayed at pr til night
48. hope of future camping
49. the time we camped out in the yard!
50. With little ph
51. And the breeze blowing through
52. That I’m less afraid of things like that now
53. That I married j
54. That my dr was here to rewrite the prescriptions
55. That I bought j the laptop
56. For when we decided not to replace our desktop
57. That first picture of a mountain we found and printed and showed my mother, and the awe of it all
58. Every time she’s had dinner here
59. How good j was to her when she stayed here – both times
60. That we together even had her do that
61. All the everyday stuff we’ve enjoyed together
62. That I never had an affair while married to j
63. When my stomach lets me know I’m hungry
64. Supernanny, although it looks like it’s cancelled, available online and probably at libraries now or soon, too
65. Upcoming vacation, may my hand be well, and I can clean either way
66. If have to, will pay for help once
67. Those beautiful pigs and every beautiful happy day they do have
68. Yesterday’s weather
69. The nice walk ph and I took yesterday
70. That saying my third step prayer every day, it is becoming deeper and deeper
71. Lessons from j’s sponsor m.r.
72. My so much more open heart now – may j see it
73. For me appreciating trees, even when they’re brown. I found out yesterday not everyone does
74. That after work today I can do a load of towels
75. And I can take my time and make the coffee for tomorrow
76. That these are actually luxury problems
77. That I know that
78. That there are more vegans in the world than there used to be
79. Tat more and more restaurants acknowledge and cater to us
80. That mrs v signed the paper
81. And I helped
82. Smiles of others – they make me feel good
83. That I smile more – that may be helping other(s) feel good
84. That my conferences are almost over
85. That claritan still works for me
86. And such a small dose of paxil
87. That I don’t overuse valium
88. That j does not take drugs anymore
89. My (our) Christmas ornaments
90. Birthday cards
91. Every country that is not at war
92. That I’m a good conversationalist
93. That I’m not as stubborn as I used to be
94. That my feet don’t hurt
95. That mt teeth and gums don’t hurt
96. That, as I was reminded (by l) at the meeting yesterday, this disease is curable
97. That I’m so facile typing with my left hand
98. The color of bird
99. The exotic flowers I saw in california
100. Including birds of paradise

Sunday, March 27, 2011

gotta say it

205.
unfreakenbelievable.
but will be abstinent this week, with god's help and my program.
and will see that number change.
and will exercise.
and will be okay.

My Today's 100 Gratitudes

I am grateful:

1. felt hopeful after talking with j last night
2. today is a new day
3. vitamins
4. I shall ask for help and be abstinent today
5. Hearing at that meeting, whatever you put before your recovery ou will lose
6. Somewhere inside me I have cheerful beautiful art to be made I will find it
7. For beginning to make the decision to go back to the veggie board
8. The book I “have to” read today
9. Maybe will get ride to meeting today
10. Made it through yesterday
11. The lessons I learned from na folks
12. Humility
13. Anonymity
14. That I am baptized
15. Facing myself better now
16. Claritan
17. S and a, st’s sons
18. Hearing the birds right now
19. The pictures I took from the mags yesterday
20. My education
21. Everything cheerful
22. Cheerful friends
23. Hearing from sa yesterday
24. This big robe like a blanket
25. Enjoying part of the movie mean girls last night before falling asleep
26. The times I’ve spent silent and what I’ve learned from them
27. Being interested in the parts of the movie runaway jury yesterday I then remembered we’d seen it – remembered the end
28. Being a teacjher
29. Living whee delivery food is available
30. Being more careful with money now
31. Thinking about the jury duty thing – but I don’t think I should go?
32. Vegfest
33. That ibuprofin has helped my pain
34. That there is a spay neuter charity thing today somewhere
35. That I might get well
36. That I will do 1 load of laundry today
37. That Ma called and will drve me to the meeying
38. The lightness of the show the nanny
39. That the laundry isnoow in the washer. Aftermeeting I will o the laundry and slowly and carfully put it to dry
40. Later I will take a little bath or shower and wash and dry my hair – this is such a luxury in many places in this world
41. That we have e-mail at work
42. All the people writing letters tp the elected officials on behalf of schools and teachers
43. Dolphins
44. All those times at gi as a kid
45. And with j
46. And that I helped and he found his wedding ring that day at ob
47. That memorial day picnic we did years ago
48. The meanfashion police show – it ‘s just lightedhearted – although. Maybe too ?
49. Soups
50. stews
51. that stew my mother came up with for me
52. Kelly osbourne – I like her and am happy for her growth
53. Thumb seems to hurt less – on ibuprofin, but still
54. Great meeting today
55. The topic of double standard
56. The second topic of gratitudes
57. That one person is determined to start the 100 a day now
58. And some to do some at least
59. And I helped with that
60. That I just saw Chr
61. And she said come down there just walk down – like for tea – tht she would like to see me☺
62. That Ma drove me
63. And then we had lunch together
64. And I ate herbed veggies
65. And it was nice
66. And I paid her what I owed her (well maybe two dollars more, and that’s fine)
67. That I heard about the necessity of putting my recovery first no matter what. Clear
68. That I got motivated to do more service and offered to lead next week. and that, with god’s help., will keep me abstinent
69. That I shared on ea today too
70. That my laundry is in there doing right now
71. That I have a healthy dinner for tonight
72. That I am sipping a blooming tea right now
73. That I think today my thumb is a little better than yesterday
74. That I saw jo today
75. Hope (repeat, so I’ll do an extra)
76. The hope the show hoarders, on right now, is giving me
77. I had a big but satisfying lunch
78. There is love in this world for me – with j or with someone else
79. That I am able to eat with my left hand
80. The episode of house the other night, which I’d never seen before
81. That fr returned my thn book to l, and he to me
82. That they figured out it was me because thought it was a Buddhist
83. Cinammon
84. Green tea edible flowers
85. The company edible arrangements
86. The first time I received something from them
87. That one cup of coffee for tomorrow is already made
88. That I have a microwave in m classroom
89. And a fridge
90. And the electricity to use them
91. And that I keep waters for m in there
92. That I have seen and swam in the green ocean!
93. And the blue
94. That I am not quite a hoarder!
95. That as soon as my hand is better, I will clean up this place
96. That this weekend has made me really realize that I *do * need to build in *real *relaxation
97. That as soon as my hand is better, I will start exercising. And will keep it up forever, either here for free or at least temporarily out with other people
98. That M shared about her exercise program with me
99. and her family
100. the plain princess, and how I read it over and over as a 4th grader, at night in bed
101. and with many classes since
102. and those built-ins I had in that room
103. with the book light

Saturday, March 26, 2011

today's grats - 100

I am grateful

1. for every day that everything on/in my body works. Now, typing 1 finger left hand im particularly aware of it
2. that I can still do my 10 grats anyway
3. that I’m no obsessing about typos
4. that o wrote back
5. and maybe I can go there for movie tom night
6. that ma wrote back and was nice too
7. that I was able to talk with l today even though I’d missed my official time
8. that slept about 9 hours – no alarm
9. I cant belive I’m sayng this, but tht I woke up
10. That l shared about pacemaker ratting him ouy and now he’s exercising – that he is lazy about it – that he cqn’t do what he wants t o do, hr mustdo wht he needs to do
11. All the polls ive done
12. And thatnpeople seemed to really like them
13. That my blooming tea will be brewing in a minute
14. That this one is peach and green tea and lots of flowers
15. Dreams and what they seem to tell me
16. That I decided to only have 1 cup of coffee today – kind of enough to help my mood but not rev me up
17. That I’m doing these sort of little b little today no eye on the clock
18. Ibuprofin
19. my dr telling me must should take it BEFRE the pain gets too bad
20. that maybe I can sort of enjo the quiet day
21. all the people who love me
22. the book I’m to read for the book course
23. facebook
24. msn.,com
25. e-mail
26. my Buddhist name that they gave me
27. Elizabeth taylor and all the good she did
28. Cr puzzles
29. Chinese food delivered
30. Protein
31. Oa calls
32. Tv
33. radios
34. Brown rice
35. Enough space
36. Quiet day to self
37. M’s lovely e-mail message to me yesterday
38. That I maneuvered around tc alone
39. That although I’m going up and down a little, its kind of reall a little – not hysterical like yesterday morning
40. Show sell this house
41. Single-tasking, when I do it
42. That people trust me with their money (and can, of course)
43. Word mine puzzles
44. Spellathon
45. Notebooks
46. That my kids are learning
47. Free shipping
48. That j renewed m dvds for me online – that was nice of him
49. Fran drescher
50. Niagara falls
51. With j
52. And that we went down into the tunnels behind
53. Hot chocolate, especially the kind j makes
54. People’s positive reactions to my sense of humor
55. Hospitals
56. Hospice
57. Good, nice, compassionate home health care workers
58. Dr saying I should sometimes relax
59. Breaks
60. Every time I’ve ever gone to a movie with j
61. My small (relative) waist
62. Bessi
63. Connie
64. Other connie
65. My acting
66. And stage managing
67. And assistant directing
68. Lessons I’ve learned
69. Warm kisses, especially j’s
70. Healthy breakfast today (not huge portions brown rice, veg chow mein, hummus)
71. Blackbelt introducing me to ezekial bread
72. That my vt came yesterda! When I’d just been hoping for it!
73. That I’ve never been struck by lightening
74. When others teach my class, and well
75. That I recovered from my bad pneumonia
76. And my hysterectomy
77. M I love lucy type teapot
78. My whole teapot collection
79. Shampoo
80. All companies that don’t use animal products and don’t test on animals
81. Ability to walk to stores
82. Proximity of other people
83. All those times at the video store
84. M and how sort of motherly she was to me
85. Watching the exercise videos when I was out of commission
86. M gorgeous wedding ring
87. All the work j put into my amazing sparkling engagement ring
88. Oprah
89. Marianne Williamson
90. People who share what they go through
91. Outdoor concerts, including classical, jazz, showtunes, billy burke’s house fourth of july ones all, with j and often ph!
92. Emeralds
93. My pretty pridot and gold earrings I picked with j at l&t with the class money gift )oher school)
94. First principal catholic school gr 4 and how she got and appreciated me
95. Wrist splints
96. And that my store had one
97. Ad that I could afford it
98. Not being as afraid as yesterday or as us to be
99. Post-its
100. The love of so many students for so many years
101. Feeling okay in the minute
102. That I did these today!

Friday, March 25, 2011

Today's 100 Gratitudes

I am grateful:

1. For my thumb. Now that it may be broken, I realize how very much I use it and it helps me. Thank you, Thumb.
2. For my other thumb too
3. For meditating every day that I do it. May I do it every day.
4. For the breathing game in class yesterday.
5. For P taking me out to lunch the other day
6. That I have a day when I need one for the dr, like today
7. For M.
8. For me being able to help her too
9. That I was able to do sub plans today
10. That I am able to type today
11. That I can still type my gratitudes today
12. That maybe J will bring Ph here later
13. That I will be taking good care of myself. From now on, period.
14. That J says *we * can see M and E soon: )
15. Hope
16. Prayers
17. That Mary prayer my mother gave me, in her writing, and which I still have, and which I also found online
18. Dvds for class especially science, social studies, and literary
19. PTA sending home request on our behalf
20. That I have someone to call in the mornings
21. That I received a few program call messages this week
22. That I will call them back
23. That St will be back from vaca very soon, maybe even today or tomorrow
24. That my mother is praying for M. I wish I could get her to pray for me, but that would hurt her because she’d worry. But I’m grateful that she’s praying for M
25. That most of my body is physically comfortable
26. That I probably don’t have a dread disease
27. That my eyes still work
28. That I am feeling so vulnerable, because that is the impetus to take care of myself
29. That I am growing and will be able to be a better wife
30. God help me. Hard. So hard to do the 100 today. But I will keep going. I am grateful that I keep going
31. That I walked when I had to, with neck brace and pain pills, but got to my masters classes
32. That J loved me. And maybe can again. Maybe. Oh please God.
33. That I can and will work on step 4 and move on in the steps.
34. Timers
35. Students’ hugs
36. Students holding my hand
37. Students going out of way to not hurt my thumb the last two days
38. W better after his emergency surgery
39. That just now, after number 38, when I called Sp, he was talking about how he appreciates teachers.
40. And sad we have to pick it up tomorrow
41. And about having gone to that Buddhist place. And the peace he found there. And the program and literature they gave.
42. That J asked if I was all right this am
43. That I will probably be here when he gets here later
44. That maybe he’ll care
45. That I will ask my dr if he can come later
46. Oh God help me. That maybe I’ll get through the weekend
47. For all the help you’ve already given me, like when my mother was in intensive care all that time
48. And getting the Sc job
49. And J getting better last Feb
50. That Indra called. And I will call her back
51. That I can read and do oa and CoDA work today
52. And maybe sleep or clean something
53. That I will leave for dr in a few minutes
54. That I am able to go to the bathroom
55. That vegetables are available to me
56. That F mother was apparently not at principal to complain about me
57. That she, principal, does seem to hear me
58. That the newer conferences have also gone well
59. That God might help me
60. That God *can * help me
61. That Mary might intercede for me
62. That I used to be able to say the Rosary with my class, at Catholic school gr. 4
63. That we went over to Mass the day little J was having surgery, and prayed for him
64. That R was carrying around his little present yesterday, and it seemed to bring him comfort
65. Mrs. E and that maybe we’ll have tea together
66. And she tried to help me, about Dr. Oz and his books
67. Every time J and I have visited at the R’s house in Junes
68. The plays those kids put on for us
69. The voice of K’s niece
70. The little Wizard of Oz play(s) I put on at other school with grade 3 in that extra room
71. When I had the biggest (one of 2) room in the district
72. The big production I put on there with gr. 5
73. The nature day fair I ran. It was amazing
74. Everyone who helped on it
75. CM getting the thing off my dress in the am
76. My mother helping me get that done
77. My wedding day with J
78. Our first anniversary, and what we gave each other and what I did to afford it, and what he said to me
79. The way he proposed
80. Our wedding night. He was so beautiful to me, despite exhaustion. Made a real memory.
81. That maybe this sadness won’t always be here to this extent with me
82. Every moment I have felt happy.
83. The states song, and beginning it with the kids. It’s fun.
84. That I was nice yesterday.
85. That I have been trying to not bother J
86. My dr’s new idea about what to say to him to help *him *.
87. Ph getting so much woods time lately
88. Maybe I’ll be walking in woods with them soon
89. Sunrise
90. Untainted food and water
91. That that person gave L my book to give back to me
92. That even though I like them, I do not eat eggs anymore
93. Urine
94. That I will try to drink more water
95. For all these thoughts today
96. For thoughts
97. For my memory
98. For my breasts
99. For the beautiful nightgowns I have owned
100. For a bathtub
101. That I was able to get to 100 (and 1!) today.
102. That the timer rang just as I finished 100

God Please Help Me

Please God, help me.
I am in such pain.
Heartbroken.
Changing.
And what I would give for one more chance.
Pain is so intense.
Please help me.


‘God our Father, walk through my house and take away all my worries and illnesses and please watch over and heal my family in Jesus name, Amen.’

O Most beautiful flower of Mount Carmel, fruitful vine, splendor of Heaven, Blessed Mother of the Son of God, Immaculate Virgin, assist me in this my necessity.
O Star of the Sea, help me and show me herein You are my Mother.
O Holy Mary, Mother of God, Queen of Heaven and Earth, I humbly beseech You from the bottom of my heart to succor me in this necessity. There are none that can withstand Your power.
O show me herein You are my Mother.
O Mary conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to Thee.
O show me herein You are my Mother.
O Mary conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to Thee.
O show me herein You are my Mother.
O Mary conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to Thee.
Sweet Mother, I place this cause in Your hands. Please heal my marriage with J.
Sweet Mother, I place this cause in Your hands. Please heal my marriage with J.
Sweet Mother, I place this cause in Your hands. Please heal my marriage with J.

Thank you.
Amen.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

My Biggest Mistake

is my flaw that I give up when I feel like I've lost/am losing.
I do it in Scrabble and I did it in my marriage.
May I never do it again.
Please God help me with this.

My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful:

1. That my dr came here yesterday
2. That he gave me a good idea
3. That he stayed extra
4. That I didn’t pig out as much
5. That I can still type despite by swollen and very painful thumb with something wrong with the knuckle
6. That I have my wits about me. I worry sometimes, like this morning when I can’t figure out how the outside light(s) is off because I distinctly remember turning it on last night. Did I get up in my sleep and turn it off? When? Why? How much is this stress doing to me? Or please God no, is it worse? But – I am grateful for the amount of wits I still do have around me
7. That there is still hope for me and J
8. The prize box and school, and the joy they get from it
9. Sending Ch off yesterday in a good way. With the banner, the individual cards in the little book, the present and card from me, and of course the paperwork her father needed
10. Me giving R that present and note
11. Him showing me he opened it and named it Ch
12. Tr saying how touching it was
13. That the hole I my stomach isn’t as great as when I woke up
14. That I decided to have coffee before calling in, and now won’t call in
15. That it wasn’t my room M was referring to in that e-mail
16. That I’ve come to understand my worst flaw, and maybe can do something about it now
17. That I found the prayer to our lady of st carmel online
18. That oa says I will be restored to sanity
19. That my dr told me about Eleanor Roosevelt and how although she was not physically attractive, many men were apparently very attracted to her. So it was something about her inner strength
20. Learning about a part of the environment in which I grew up, being caretaking and enmeshment. That helps me put a name on something I can start to gentle myself out of now.
21. That I had protein and whole grains and veggies and water and tea yesterday
22. That P took me to lunch and we had a nice time and good food. That was very nice of her and it also means she likes me.
23. And that she said she was so glad I am in the teacher’s room sometimes now. That’s nice to hear
24. That my dr talked about what do *I * want. Like what do *I * like to do,…what do I wish for,… outside of J. All I want is J, but it gave me something to think about
25. Dogs
26. I got what I wished for. I remember sitting at the shiva at Sh’s house, for her grandmother, and hearing her say she and M called each other every night. And wishing I could become friends with M like that. And it happened. And guess what? It’s no big deal. I mean it is, in the sense that she’s a wonderful friend, but it isn’t in the sense of “I’m not good enough for such a thing,” which I believed that day. And the thing is, if I wished for that and got it, maybe I can get this too, if I wish for it and believe it enough.
27. Emergency rooms
28. That I’m a decent speller
29. That our district is coming up with good assessments to help not have to be a stupid part of rttt
30. Strong teacher’s unions
31. People who fight for rights of other people and non-human animals
32. Oprah doing the vegan thing twice.
33. Some people asking me about veganism stuff
34. Je printing those recipes for me, and showing an interest more than once
35. Orange juice and orange-pineapple juice
36. That I have been cherished. I am so sad now, but at least I do know what it is like to be cherished
37. Lessons from inspirational people
38. That I can sit
39. That I can hold my head up
40. That I’ve never been in a fire
41. That I get e-mails
42. That I have taught a number of grades
43. That the principal still seems to respect me
44. That I’m getting through the days
45. That my dr said I’m “handling it better”
46. My mommy’s prayers
47. And that I was able to help her with her favorite one
48. How supportive J has been through so many of my hard times
49. And hers
50. Please God help us to be together. I am grateful that I can pray to you
51. That my mother is going to have Br and Ed over for tea at her place
52. That I go to the bathroom in the mornings. Regular functioning
53. That I can eat nuts. And get the nutrients from them
54. That I can have a new start today, in the classroom, and particularly with F
55. That I am determined to get this place in order
56. That there is still time. I need to get moving, but there is still time
57. That I slept last night
58. Even though I had nightmares, I woke up from them
59. That I understand something about how I can look at things in a sort of paranoid manner and they are not always meant the way I take them. That I understand that better now, especially thanks to A on Sunday, and to what happened on the vb and how I applied what A was saying at lunch, to that, in my head
60. Enough money to live.
61. Being more careful with money now.
62. Recycling water bottles
63. People who invented recycling
64. All my class trips in my life have gone safely so far
65. Car radio
66. The French language. How beautiful it is
67. Good authors
68. People who read books on tape so well (actors)
69. The experiences I’ve had at JB
70. Painting, drawing, tracing, coloring. Me when little, the kids now, me now
71. Talented artists
72. When my phone rings
73. When there are messages for me
74. Candles
75. Candle meditation
76. The morning meditation 15 minute tape J and I listened to a number of times
77. Our first retreat and the feeling we took back from it and how long it lasted
78. Same with the second one
79. Our trip to Cooperstown
80. Our trips to the Catskills
81. Our trips to the Poconos
82. Our sex life
83. Our kisses
84. Our hugs
85. Our playing with Ph together
86. Goldie Hawn on Oprah yesterday
87. Dr. Oz
88. Dr. Phil
89. Gary Null
90. Warren Eckstein, and that I got advice from him on the phone
91. Echo
92. Koi
93. That my parents used to take us to feed the goldfish, which were probably koi, at that campus
94. Libraries
95. Free concerts and other programs
96. That J looked for me at intermission at that one
97. Love
98. Compassion
99. Honestly
100. Integrity

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful:

1. That I slept last night
2. That I dreamt. They were hard dreams, but it’s supposed to be good for your mind, to dream
3. That I can use my thumb. It hurts today and is funky – the knuckle is acting almost broken – I’m grateful I can use it at all
4. That I woke up
5. That I had coffee from yesterday and only had to reheat it
6. That my dr comes today. I need help.
7. That I have 2 third step prayers
8. And say them every day
9. That I have 3 other meditation books
10. That I sent home the homework last night for Cha
11. That we made the banner
12. That I remembered, so I didn’t call in sick today
13. That I got to have time with her and help her this year
14. That Tr and Gl and I will be sensitive to R
15. That the l.r. isn’t messy
16. That I was able to calm my breathing down this morning when I realized how bad it was
17. That while I still feel bad, it isn’t exactly the hole in my stomach I woke up with
18. That my brain controls the parts of my body correctly
19. That I can think
20. That the kids were so happy singing on Fri and yesterday in class (the practice for the music program thing)
21. That Ive already planed today
22. That conferences are almost over, and they’ve continued to go so well
23. That I’m almost done with the blanket, especially since my thumb hurts so much
24. That I’ll get Chinese food today
25. That Field Roast isn’t made of fake stuff. I’ll have to find out if it reacts on me like white flour because tempeh comes from wheat, but I don’t think it will
26. That I ate the potato soup yesterday. It didn’t taste good this time, but was probably still good for me.
27. That I can still afford gasoline for my car
28. That I had clean clothes to wear yesterday
29. That I can see this computer right now. I know I’ve said sight before, but it *is * a great thing and a miracle and I do cherish it.
30. Speaking of repeats, hope.
31. That I had a nice little chat with my mother yesterday
32. That M called me last night to chat
33. That even though things are worse, I don’t live every second in fear anymore.
34. That miracles are possible and do happen and maybe God will do one for me.
35. For everyone who has ever healed from a dread disease.
36. That I’m more grown up than I used to be
37. That I have hope for my health and getting it in order
38. That J and I took ballroom dancing
39. That we’ve walked all those times at PR
40. And BGs
41. That M shared that she cried at every meeting for over a month
42. That Sp told me he used to cry all the time at meetings
43. Hugs
44. I just want sleep. Maybe it’s the sadness or something. But nonetheless I do get the energy to do my job
45. That someday there’ll be more to my life than the job, and hopefully with J
46. That N is happy and in love now
47. KG and her stabilizing influence on us all
48. That I can swallow
49. My daddy buying me my first Daltons, in Bermuda, the dogs and the little girl with the dog and the book, because she reminded him of me
50. That store, with the long wall full of the big ladies
51. The one J and I bought on our honeymoon
52. Bright red
53. Earth beneath my feet
54. Foot-foot walking
55. That I’m not bedridden
56. That I get to engage with others all day
57. That maybe this weekend I’ll see friends. I have an idea to go with MA to pick a gift from me for A
58. And an idea to buy some clothes, or maybe next weekend
59. That I will be frugal in the buying
60. That I have good hair
61. And nice eyes
62. And a warm smile
63. That you can see my cheeks again
64. That J noticed that (months ago)
65. That I have those sort of dimple thingies
66. That really, God has given me all I need.
67. Collective unconscious
68. That I passed my comps for my masters
69. The book by John Robbins that really got me thinking
70. Every day those beautiful pigs have before the horrible event
71. That I no longer have the “bowling ball in my chest.”
72. G, and how good she was to me as a mentor
73. El and how nice she was to me
74. Eth and how she was nice to me too
75. MD and how she helped fill my shelves
76. L and how she seemed to take to me
77. JMcC and how she got who I was with kids
78. That I was opened up to different religions and races and nationalities and beliefs
79. JR and how I learned something about democracy from her
80. Artist in Residence program
81. The nature park and how I did it
82. And the book P and I made
83. The Fri lunches we used to have
84. Embroidering the pillowcases, and how I enjoyed it
85. Breathing *out * and my lessons about it from K, and from A
86. Those fabulous tai chi classes, and how I appreciate them now
87. Our thin slat oak floors
88. The connection between me and J
89. Growth for J
90. Vows, may he remember them
91. Learning more about the fourth step
92. When I finally learned the real reason for the stream tables
93. The 2 visitors in class yesterday, teaching
94. And the one who is coming today
95. Clever inventors, who invent things that do not hurt the earth
96. Scientists and others who are working to save the earth for us all
97. People who are not greedy
98. Lessons from Em and M
99. That we will probably get to see them soon
100. Baby animals

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful:

1. That yesterday’s workshop was nice.
2. That K’s and 1’s will probably use it
3. That 2’s might find a little way to
4. That I got home safely
5. That I was able to stop at the library
6. That I was able to stop at the drugstore
7. That I got 2 prescriptions
8. That I will probably get the other two Wednesday
9. That although I got a ticket, I didn’t get in an accident, and I *can * pay the parking ticket – I’d rather not have gotten it of course, but at least it’s sort of a “luxury problem”
10. That I hadn’t left Ph in the yard, which I first feared when she wasn’t here
11. That I was able to call MA when I was so depressed, scared, nervous
12. That when she got tied up with R, I was able to realize to take a valium; that’s why they’re there
13. That my little talk with j went well and left me feeling hopeful
14. That J is able to function
15. That he has this week at that house with the 2 dogs and no other person; it might be good for him
16. That the valium worked
17. That coffee works in the mornings
18. That I got to talk with my mother yesterday (and every day)
19. That maybe she’ll get to come here for dinner soon – within two weeks
20. That I had my father for as long as I did
21. That I offered to drive the leader of our workshop home yesterday, when it snowed, and to get her safely to the car because of her leg braces
22. That she shared her inspirational story about the neurological disease
23. That I didn’t get that when I kept working and turned out to have pneumonia too
24. That I’ve lived through every illness
25. That MA ‘gets’ me
26. That someone sent her and she sent me and I sent on that beautiful prayer e-mail
27. That I’m not frozen every minute like I was for those months
28. That I’m not frozen in the way I was in the summer when J would be out
29. That there is hope still
30. Bright people
31. M. telling them to make sure there was something for me at lunch. They didn’t exactly, I mean they tried, but lettuce doesn’t do it for me at lunch, but that didn’t matter because I’d brought, and the point is she asked
32. And that they did try
33. That I’m not counting points
34. That I don’t have MS
35. That there was a variety of people in that room with us yesterday, because that school from the other place was there
36. That I learned the stuff and was good at it and was considered good at it
37. That I’m not on the vb right now. I love many people there, but I need to be irl and I was too “speeded up” when I was on there. It was kind of altering. Not the people – the way I used it
38. That A mentioned borderline personality Sun, and some of what it is. I think I might have it. It gives me something to talk about to dr and to work on. Work on sounds too negative. To gentle myself over
39. That I crocheted last night
40. And might just finish this blanket on time for the baby (in a few days!)
41. That whole circle story
42. That I can drop off my computer today if I want
43. And still come home and crochet
44. And have movies if I want (like 4, from the library)
45. And get sleep tonight
46. That I got sleep last night
47. That I was warm and dr through the cold and rain and snow yesterday
48. That my mother will get acupuncture today
49. That once again the coffee is affected my mood for the better this morning
50. That I have shared the 100 gratitudes a day idea with more people now (like on Sat at that workshop
51. That a couple/few times yesterday I was able to remember about attitude (from that workshop on Sat) and kind of, “What if my attitude is that everything is perfect in my world. That God has given me everything I need.” I’m not saying it exactly as the workshop leader did at all, but it helped me for example walking up the ramp at one point.
52. That I have the opportunity to call my mother and wake her this morning
53. That she will get acupuncture today
54. That it helped her so much last time
55. That we can expect it to this time as well
56. That J told her about it
57. And pushed her
58. And she finally did say yes. Thank you, God
59. That I remembered to thank God last night
60. That the “Biggest Losers” might come together at school and continue doing things and helping each other
61. Vegetarian Times magazine
62. That one M gave me, and that I still have one new copy of it to open
63. That I was able to do laundry last night, the gasoline clothes
64. That I was able to make coffee this morning and no mishaps
65. So many miracles in one day, wow! That I’m noticing them more now.
66. That I’m beginning to be more grown up
67. That I have people to call when I’m down, and do not feel so alone. Some I could talk to about being down, some I could be social with: MA, ML, S, St, Me, O, Mau, L, Sh, my mother, Mar, Rh, Mar, Am, everyone from meetings
68. That despite the stupid parking ticket yesterday, which was one mistake/setback and I will learn from it, I am being more frugal now
69. That twice now, when I was upset at night, I thought of doing another 100 gratitudes. I didn’t wind up doing, but I thought to and I’m glad
70. I am grateful for every rehab place out there
71. And again, for CoDA. Because I remember, for example, when I thought I should go to a food rehab place and didn’t *because I was afraid J wouldn’t miss me and would like life better without me. * That was *not * a reason to make that decision! And there he is anyway. I *cannot * control another person or their feelings, and must be reminded of/taught that. Because again, like I heard this weekend, “Whatever you put before your program, you will lose.”
72. That I am (beginning to realize?) realizing the things about myself that are painful to acknowledge but must be acknowledged, like the desperation for his attention, that infantilized me, ouch.
73. That I don’t have to do it alone.
74. That people at the real estate office used to love to watch me type.
75. That day when P. thought I was “talking on phone at my desk” and I was, and apologized, and explained that I hadn’t known it wasn’t allowed during lunch. And he was so surprised that I was eating lunch at my desk and hadn’t known it was my lunchtime and appreciated me more then.
76. Similar to day St yelled at me on phone for not being able to find paper, but, I reminded him, I was at *his * desk looking for it, as per his instructions
77. That the rest of the house may be a mess, but the l.r. is neat. One step at a time lol
78. That I am sitting here safe and sound and alive and well and not physically diseased or paralyzed and typing my gratitudes this morning
79. I am so grateful for that woman, whose name I forget, who shared about the 100 gratitudes that day at sangha
80. And for sangha and every time we attended, at all 3 places (G’s and R. Ch and town of K)
81. That M Mc wrote back and thanked me
82. That I was awesome when the Ch were videotaping me the other day and they acknowledged great things in my class’s response and learning
83. I am grateful for the people who do share their shit. I do to an extent, but cannot about a couple of things, in the work world. But I do to close friends and the wide world (oa, formerly vb, here…) When someone does that, it helps the rest of us not feel so alone in our problems
84. I am grateful for the great philosophers and thinkers and people with great lines, some of whom I’ll list now.
85. Plato
86. Aristotle
87. Socrates
88. Emerson
89. Thoreau
90. Will Rogers
91. Ziz Zizlar
92. Victor Hugo
93. Eleanor Roosevelt
94. Helen Keller
95. Jesus, who was more than a person
96. Bill W and others there
97. Everyone who’s ever said God bless you to me
98. Nana Mouskourri shaking my hand
99. And waving to us across the street, and how much that meant to my mother
100. J being willing to wait at the stage door for her
101. My mother gently pushing me forward
102. That I got Richard Chamberlain to kiss my mother
103. That I’m not afraid to go over the 100, like as if I’ll run out!

Monday, March 21, 2011

Today's 100 Gratitudes

I am grateful:

1. That I have a sponsor
2. That I have a program
3. That Ph cuddled with me this morning
4. That many people survive in Japan
5. That I will be in a workshop today and perhaps refreshed tomorrow
6. That I get dvds for free from the library
7. And books too
8. That so far I’ve returned/renewed all on time
9. That I did make the potato soup last night
10. And have healthy lunch for today
11. And am changing my relationship to food
12. And *can * become a positive force/person
13. That I did that great math lesson for the videocameras the other day, and on the spur of the moment
14. And that I did it for my district
15. All the lunches at p & b the four of us have had
16. And the former magic circle too
17. That night at MA’s when I slept a little on the couch with a blankie over me while the other 3 talked. Felt safe
18. The blackout when we all slept at Ji’s and I felt safe
19. Sex
20. My toe, though still swollen, only hurts when I move it
21. That the other people at lunch yesterday, either all, or all who spoke up, had good attitudes about education and teachers and this whole mess
22. That MA passed on to me that prayer yesterday
23. That I was able to pass it on to 12 people
24. Prayer
25. That I received communion the other day. I feel God understands
26. Textures (like on throw pillows)
27. Enough dog food for Ph
28. And treats for her
29. Sleep
30. Enjoying watching the show about Charles and Diana’s wedding, last night
31. And the memories it brought – sort of feeling-memories
32. The hope Sat gave me and that I have some notes to refer to
33. Showers
34. Baths
35. Claritan
36. Eye drops
37. The people I’ve met in program
38. A
39. R
40. She
41. Sha
42. Ma
43. Rh
44. Jo
45. Fr
46. Ju
47. D
48. L
49. M
50. Je
51. Mar
52. Am
53. B
54. Sa
55. That J and I went to Montreal to that convention
56. That this year’s convention is here
57. That I’ll probably sign up today
58. That I might, just might, go to the Catskill thing
59. That I am vegan. That I am vegan. That I am finally vegan and have been for almost 4 years
60. That my car works
61. That I didn’t get in a fire with the gas the other day
62. That I finally found out, although I was old to, about water and electricity
63. That I meditated again Sat and yesterday
64. And will today
65. That I am doing the right things this morning, as I didn’t do them all Sat and yesterday. That was a mistake
66. That I know that was a mistake
67. That I have awakened less tired these three days
68. Spring is here (although today’s weather won’t show it : )
69. Rita
70. Valerie
71. Lori
72. Helen
73. Sean
74. Rocco
75. Gennaro
76. John F.
77. Lizabeth
78. That my mother’s not crazy anymore
79. What MA told me about R
80. That I can do 100 gratitudes in the morning right now even though I did 100 at night last night
81. That I’m doing this practice altogether
82. That there’s hope I’ll feel better
83. That capers are flower buds
84. That I have eaten flower buds. It’s like a little miracle
85. That I did tell J about the special moon the other night.
86. That although I forgot to look that night and couldn’t see it last night, he got to see it : )
87. The spirit of generosity I do have
88. Wh Pl hospital
89. That I had a successful hysterectomy that night
90. That my body works
91. That I am coming together more as body and spirit
92. And finally taking better care of my body
93. That peacemakers are working throughout the world
94. I am grateful for where I work
95. I am grateful that I work
96. I am grateful that I have flown in airplanes
97. And that I enjoy elementary math and am smart at teaching it
98. And that Al A. got that about me: )
99. That maybe I can stop taking responsibility for everything bad now or soon
100. That my dr still helps me, I think and hope

Sunday, March 20, 2011

100 Gratitudes I Missed Yesterday But I'm Here Today!

I am grateful:

1. Going to tea with my mother just now. What a fabulous time! I’m *so * glad we went! I never want to miss another opportunity again!
2. Her sharing with me about my 1st husb having asked her for money! : (
3. And his mother calling her because he lived “in a dump” while I was still in the house
4. And my mother having told her it was *my * money that bought the house!
5. And me sharing lots with her about 3 friends.
6. And her being able to go
7. And even treating me
8. And her telling J yesterday that she’s going to give me (us) money for a furnace etc.
9. And J taking her to the bank yesterday so that I could go to the brahma thing
10. And that I went
11. And that it was fabulous
12. And that I’ve been to two meetings this weekend
13. And at the first one, people called me brave
14. And they extended themselves to me
15. And it was a very positive, recovery-filled, recovery-oriented meeting
16. And at the second one someone said that they had heard in the rooms, “Whatever you put before your program, you will lose,” as he had lost his job.
17. That I think I understand that now. Because if I put something before my recovery, I actually *can’t * attend to it because of the very fact that I’m *not * recovered/recovering/working enough on recovery. That’s while I’ll lose it.
18. That I heard this before it’s too late for hope for me and J.
19. That I went out for lunch with 5 women after the meeting.
20. That I had Chinese food
21. That it was only 7 dollars
22. That I was able to take half home
23. That it was good, and veggie and protein and whole grain
24. That I, and I think we, had a nice time
25. That I was able to take my mother shopping
26. That we both got all the groceries we need
27. That I didn’t overspend as much last week or this
28. That I came home and put the stuff away before taking her for tea
29. That I intend to have her here soon!
30. That I have potatoes and an onion boiling right now, for homemade potato soup.
31. That I realize now that it is a meal and not a first course! As it always was, years back, a meal.
32. That I got the collards for 1 dollar less, and am using them right away
33. That I am not hungry right now! I ate lunch about 5 or 5 ½ hours ago, and feel that I can easily wait for the potato soup for dinner
34. That tomorrow is professional development all day, so although I’ll stop down and say hi to my kids, it will be a little break
35. That Fri afternoon at professional development, I did well
36. And enjoyed it
37. And that we get to *have * professional development now!
38. That I might start practicing again and take one piano lesson a month
39. That I will probably either have N come once a month or twice just to get me up to par, and/or I will start cleaning, myself!
40. That I will do a load of laundry tonight or tomorrow and fell better about myself for it
41. That I bought coffee at the supermarket so I have it for tomorrow
42. That I didn’t really need it today or yesterday, although I had some
43. That today’s was free, at the meeting
44. That the man yesterday taught a new to me way of meditating, but very in line with mindfulness meditation
45. That he started getting better later than earlier in life too, and is so happy now
46. That I may have found the place to go for a couple of days (depending on price) for some more healing
47. Mich, all those years ago, at phys. therapy, and how she helped me
48. My first times with K, in D.F., and how those helped me
49. That J found her for me
50. That J lived through the big throat cancer scare
51. And his quarantine high fever illness last year
52. And that M. made plans for me during that time
53. That I haven’t killed myself, yet, and maybe never will.
54. That I have friends. Irl friends
55. That MA’s heart is good!
56. And her blood pressure too!
57. That she introduced me to that show I now watch and unwind and enjoy on Sat evenings
58. That I don’t think I’ve been straining any friends with my misery
59. That yesterday and today the weather was and is beautiful
60. That Ph has seemed okay, happy enough since here Fri afternoon, and has asked me to pet her and I have: )
61. That I leave amazingly good sub plans
62. That my parents paid for college for me
63. That my masters was so inexpensive
64. That I had kept all those notebooks, and was able to study for the comps
65. That J supported me in doing so
66. That my allergy pill worked/works and quickly too
67. That I have lost 8 pounds now
68. That I really think I am going to start exercising like this week
69. That there is still hope for my life
70. That I took a chance and walked over to that table at lunchtime yesterday and asked if I might join them
71. And they were so nice about it
72. And I, and I think we, had a nice time
73. And the lunch the people had there was vegan! And Indian spiced. Yum.
74. And then I even had a homemade wh wh roll later
75. And it was all delicious
76. And didn’t set me off emotions-wise or eating-wise
77. That I did more on the blanket
78. And might do more tonight
79. And should finish within a week
80. That Jo should be able to show me how to make other pages for this blog, like one for recipes and one for what I ate today, or whatever
81. That so many people gave me so much love on the vb
82. And they dedicated their meditation to me Friday
83. And two people e-mailed me to tell me about it
84. And maybe I can go back there just in certain capacities
85. And my dr gave me an assignment to advertise!
86. That I’ve been cooking in the kitchen (before starting grats and again just now) without tv or anything and felt good doing – felt good during
87. That L’s family has apparently stayed safe throughout the earthquake and tsunami
88. That I heard a story of survival and being saved from it on today’s news
89. That I learned something from that dvd No Arms, No Legs, No Problem
90. That I haven’t watched any tv so far today
91. That I got to both meetings by myself
92. That there is hope I’ll become a whole person
93. That I straightened a lot of the filthy kitchen today
94. That I am eating greens every day now
95. That I think I’ve been “abstinent” for about a week or two or so, mostly
96. That I’m reading that Step 4 book now. I think it will help/is helping
97. The particular two vbers who e-mailed me, and the third who does lately, and the other two who sometimes do
98. That female J e-mails me
99. And prays for me
100. That I have a home

Friday, March 18, 2011

God, Please Help Us. Please Help Me.

I feel like I cannot take the pain sometimes. Although after my prayers and gratitudes this am I don't feel it quite as intensely at all.

So maybe I shouldn't bring it all up right now.

That's a question, actually. How much of it do I bring up because I need to face and work it through, and yet I am in a very precarious state right now and need to not make myself feel worse.

Well, so for now I'll just say:
God, please heal my marriage. Please heal our marriage. Please heal me. Please heal him. Please help us. I know you can.

Must Do 100 Gratitudes. Here.

I am grateful:

1. That I haven’t killed myself (yet?)
2. That I am not in a vegetative state
3. That I am still able to work
4. That I am not in my 80s
5. That V from the c meeting makes me feel good
6. That although I awakened feeling truly desperate and even suicidal, I had a bit of relief wash over me when I prayed
7. That I didn’t call in sick. Yet anyway.
8. That there are some people who love me.
9. That all conferences since last time I mentioned them, have continued to go well
10. That some smart people are thinking about how to help us, teachers
11. That I have lived through this week despite: Sunday emotional crash, Monday conferences and teaching, meeting during prep, meeting after school, and far away meeting at night, Tuesday conferences and teaching, difficult financial meeting, and finding out my aunt had died, Wednesday funeral and all that entailed, Thursday conferences and teaching and getting gas all over self at station and missing the one meeting but going to the other and coming out of it depressed (maybe it’s not for me). But I have lived through it.
12. Ph comes today
13. That new-agey thing is available to go to tomorrow if I want it
14. That as bad as I feel, and it is bad, I am in shelter drinking coffee and at a computer feeling bad, not in a foxhole or natural disaster…feeling bad
15. That I have a book now that explains step 4 better
16. New starts. And the open feeling I have had many times in my life about them
17. I have nightgowns
18. And pajamas
19. And earrings
20. And bracelets
21. And necklaces
22. And rings
23. And a toe ring
24. And an ankle bracelet
25. And boots
26. And slippers
27. And socks
28. And shoes
29. And coats
30. And sweaters
31. And jackets
32. And undies
33. And bras
34. And a comb
35. And brushes
36. And shampoo
37. And soap
38. And mousse
39. And hairspray
40. And makeup
41. And face cream
42. And hand cream
43. And sheet music
44. And cds
45. And a library
46. And I have been to concerts
47. And plays
48. And movies
49. And festivals
50. And carnivals
51. And street fairs
52. And Disneyland
53. And two islands
54. And a few states
55. And a couple of places in Canada
56. And I have flown on airplanes
57. And been on a cruise
58. And littler boats
59. When I was little and my father used to drive us over those bumps
60. Forsythia
61. Especially ours
62. That I type so quickly
63. That everyone notices, still
64. That it makes me feel good
65. My little hand-held pencil sharpener
66. And my electric one at work
67. That I will have real, leafy greens today
68. That I will watch that silly show tonight
69. That MA told me about it
70. Maybe I can go there and watch it with her?
71. That my dr comes today
72. Hope. I know I have repeated this one. But I am grateful that today, waking up the way I did, I can now have a little bit of hope. This day.
73. T’s tone at the meeting yesterday
74. That I went
75. That L and R have said they’ve seen such growth in my. I need to hold onto that.
76. That A. called last night (I heard the message)
77. That my toe might heal fully
78. And if it doesn’t, it’ll be okay anyway
79. That I have been able to think quickly at work when I’ve needed to
80. That I have been a comfort and support and help to M
81. That I had clean clothes to change into yesterday after the gas situation.
82. That I did come home and shower and change, and not just keep going and continue on
83. That I have had clean clothes all week
84. That J is in my life
85. For the love from Aunt L when I was little
86. And Uncle F
87. And Aunt J
88. And Uncle C
89. And Aunt J, and still to this day
90. And Uncle G
91. And Aunt M
92. And Uncle J
93. And Aunt M
94. And N
95. And PN
96. And Pa
97. And times with K
98. And J
99. And L
100. And B

Thursday, March 17, 2011

My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful:

1. That J. came yesterday and drove me and Mom to the wake
2. And we drove her home and went back to the church for the funeral Mass
3. And that was at his offering
4. And I offered that we then stop and he go about his day
5. And he called me between 5 and 5:30 to see how I was, and was very nice in that phone call
6. And he is dropping Ph here tomorrow afternoon
7. And St was available and I went over there for about an hour and a half, and we had a nice, friendly visit, with little A there too in the other room
8. That she has a big, beautiful place
9. That she is able to do all she is able to do, like painting the whole place…I am happy for her
10. That lately, I notice, I am starting to include gratitudes about *other * people. It’s a change like expanding outward for the benefit of others meaning so much to me. It’s nice.
11. That S, last Sat evening, totally got the 100 gratitudes thing. And the potential daily detail of it
12. That L is proud of me
13. And that he said to share this idea with others.
14. And that I did, on AW yesterday.
15. I am happy with my choice not to go to that union thing last night as I needed rest and gentleness with myself
16. My meditation thread makes me smile.
17. That I did my meditation this morning.
18. That whole practice.
19. That I use a yellow highlighter, a sharp pencil (and sharpener), a blue pen and a red pen in my daily meditation books.
20. That I bought that Step 4 book the other night at the meeting.
21. Today’s reading reminding me that I cannot “eat like a non-compulsive person,” ex. binge and stop.
22. That I will get through today. Chances are I will get through today. I got through the F. meeting Monday, the conferences and financial meeting and finding out that my aunt died Tues, the funeral yesterday. And I will get through today.
23. That I acknowledge that
24. That for a moment just now, my stomach did not have a full knot
25. That on my birthday I had a magical feeling in the evening and beyond
26. That Sat night and Sun morning I actually felt ok
27. That just like that dreadful year when I never slept, and finally I slept for an hour and 40 minutes, and I knew – and ran to J’s work to tell him – that if I could sleep for an hour and 40 minutes one night, the night would come when I could sleep for 2 hours, and so on and so on – well maybe if I could feel okay for a couple of hours here and a moment there, that the day will come when that’s extended too.
28. That I am sitting comfortably right now. No aches or pains or broken bones…on comfortable sofa…laptop on lap
29. That hysterical line/visual of Bubble “Laptop? Laptop?” with the little dog in her bag
30. How many times J and I laughed over that
31. That I felt and was loved so much for so long
32. And maybe still am
33. That dr comes tomorrow
34. That I heard MA’s voice yesterday. And that she is still alive
35. That I called and wrote O yesterday
36. That MA straightened out ML’s financial stuff (– ooh – another gratitude about someone else!)
37. That I can choose to go or not to go to that union meeting after work today
38. Same with oa meeting
39. And other meeting
40. Broccoli slaw with veganaise and gardein for lunch yesterday. Yum and healthy!
41. And more for today
42. And not that expensive
43. That wearing my B necklace from M gives me such comfort
44. Nice chat with cousin J and J yesterday
45. Mother okay after funeral
46. All the years I’ve had with my mother
47. My piano light mounted on the wall
48. That J. did that for me
49. That it even looks so good
50. When we went looking for pianos together
51. The place where we finally found this one
52. That he chose to never touch it
53. That he supported me so much through all of that
54. That he made that terrible horrible hysterically funny joke banging on the to-be-gotten-rid-of-one that night, to make me think he was banging on the new one!
55. That we were able to donate that other one so some other family/person could get it
56. The Salvation Army
57. The pet feed charity
58. Non-kill shelters
59. People who take care of pets
60. People who let their children have pets and love them
61. A showing me his frogs and snail yesterday
62. And being so careful to not bang on the glass because it might frighten them
63. S. growing up so beautifully
64. Both of them getting scholarships to fine private schools!
65. The kind of mother St is, and father A is, and the life they’re giving their boys, and the influence on the world those boys are/will be
66. That my principal in 8th gr. accepted and appreciated when I wrote that I was not trying to be disrespectful but already knew a lot about lions, so didn’t learn anything from that video
67. That we all lived through that boat trip years ago when I was below, praying and praying through that storm, and so scared
68. That I have been on a cruise. And it was classy not brash
69. The zen meditations I have done and what I have learned from them
70. That I have my father’s wedding band
71. That I have my mother’s wedding band
72. That I have a bracelet of Aunt L’s
73. That I have N’s medal and chain
74. That I have a will
75. That I might change it to be nicer
76. That I have a life insurance plan through work for J
77. That we have health insurance
78. That I have earned some things
79. All the support I’ve always had from J in doing so
80. L t L and all I’ve learned from it
81. The fairy tale share. It was awesome
82. The F.S. share last year. It was awesome.
83. That we’ll do it again this year
84. MM and her attitude, intelligence, and contributions and support at work
85. That we will be doing something for Japan
86. And more for Haiti
87. And more for the needy in our own area
88. All the times I personally led the food for the needy thing
89. The year (s) Chr and I sent Thanksgiving dinner to the needy
90. That I received communion yesterday
91. The comfort it gave me
92. The song “Be Not Afraid”
93. And that it was used yesterday
94. And “Here I am, Lord”
95. Cursillo
96. M being asked to give the Ideals talk the second time
97. I. asking me to pray for her
98. Me crying over my own father
99. Her saying don’t feel guilty because she felt the bad feelings lifted from her and that it must have been that I took them on
100. Memories

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

My Aunt, Life, Death, Funeral, and Grieving

I posted something on my vb today. Reposting it here and adding an addendum below the line.

Hi Friends,
My aunt died. I just want to share here and not sit with it alone.
I am okay. She was quite old and we all die.

My aunt was a teacher. For 44 years. A great one. Bright and dedicated. Top of her profession. Hard working. Beautiful classroom. Happy students who learned so much. I know. I spent days there, different years.

My aunt loved me and my sister. I have videos, and more importantly, memories. Of the sleepovers, the "buy anything you want" trips to the stores (of course we didn't - we would pick one little thing), the green stamps, the going through drawers with her, the rose room, the many family dinners where we would sit for hours and hours and talk and share, her abject grief when my father died so young and tragically, her contagious laughter, her sauce, her smile, her bad driving.

My aunt died Monday. Her service is today. J and my mom and I are going. There will be few people as she was so old.
Mom has psychiatric problems and cannot go to a church, long story. J feels he would just like to go to the 9am thing and then back to work (starting his own business, not making money yet, sets own schedule). He will do more if I need because trying to be decent. I need but won't ask. Don't need him thinking of me as more of a burden.

Am crying but okay, as I think about my aunt and her life. How many children she helped. Including me:) How her teaching influenced mine. How her degrees influenced me. How she helped me and gave me so many materials my first year.

And how she stole, yes literally stole, money from my father, became very wealthy herself, and is leaving everything to her other nephew.

But I loved my aunt.
And have guilt about not seeing her more these years.

That's all.

And I'm okay.

May nap later, which I rarely do.
May go out with work friends this eve for dinner, or personal friend, or to an oa meeting.
May sit and sip blooming tea.
May lie on couch with tv and drift off, which can be comforting to me sometimes although probably not healthy.

Will now check threads, call my oa sponsor, meditate, and start that thread.

Thank you for listening!

--

Went. J drove me and my mom. And we dropped her off and he came with me to the church. And he will check in later with me and with Mom. He was very generous and gracious. As was I, being totally supportive of the stopping there rather than going to the cemetery and lunch.

I cried a bit. Received communion, and so many things too - father, mother, guilt, wishes for having given more time to my aunt, general sorrow.
Then called 3 friends and the one who was the one I kept picturing sitting with and having lunch or something *was* available. So I went and visited for about an hour and a half. Not a sad aunt-died visit. A nice girlfriends visiting visit.

I'll be okay. From this at least.

If you're hurting, maybe this can help you

I just e-mailed this to a hurting friend, in part of my reply, and thought if anyone reads this, who is suffering, maybe some of this might help you.

1. *I* find that I am much much much less tempted to binge - even not tempted at all - no matter how miserable I am - when I have lots of greens. A couple of days ago I actually had kale salad for breakfast and 1/2 portion of broccoli with garlic sauce and brown rice for lunch and whole grain (not whole wheat or multi-grain, but whole grain) pasta with my "pesto" which was lite firm tofu, some fresh parsley, lots fresh spinach, couple garlic cloves, about 2 T oil in whole thing (I ate less than half) and some dried oregano, in food processor setting of blender. Oh with a little water too.
And an apple mid-morning for snack.

That wound up being the easiest clean feeling I've had in ages.
I'm trying to learn a lesson from it myself.
My emotions were in a better place with that day of eating.

2. I am now writing 100 gratitudes a day, and trying never to repeat. It's been about 2 weeks so far. A couple of years ago someone at a sangha (buddhist group) shared that she "used to be a miserable person" and was told to do 100 gratitudes a day (not repeating). So she did what she was told. It was challenging. But she said it changed her life. To the point that she was still doing it - 15 years later!
I was moved by her sharing.
But I felt I could never do it.
And I didn't.
But I never forgot.
So I started, about 2 weeks ago.
Maybe you wanna try?

3. Is there someone (or are there many someones) you can call right before binging or right before purging?
I go to oa, and having phone numbers in my phone isn't even enough for me. I literally bought one of those little 2 dollar address books to carry around, and wrote the numbers I would be most comfortable calling in pen, and others I might call in pencil. Others I decided not to even put in there, but might someday. (I copy numbers from meetings in the book that goes around).
Sometimes I use the numbers, including this past Sunday evening, when I was desperate - not about food but about life - and driving around aimlessly and sobbing. I wound up meeting someone for tea and it helped.
Sometimes I just open the book and look through the pages and feel comforted - kind of an "I'm not alone."

4. Once before when I was quite desperate (decades ago, when dating J and he broke up with me because he was moving to LA, I literally went to a therapist at a clinic - every day for 3 weeks (weekdays). At no charge. Is there anything like that available to you?

Me? I'm kind of a wreck. Heartbroken and scared over J. Rushing soon now to get to aunt's funeral:( Mother decrepitating:( His mother too:(
But
I'm doing all I can right now, as in:

Every morning -
prayers
3 readings (daily readings books)
100 gratitudes
call my oa sponsor
meditate for 10 minutes

going to some oa meetings 1 - 3 a week
and 1 coda meeting when I can (most weeks)
saying yes to virtually all invitations
initiating some
(trying to *not* spend too many hours isolating in depression at home alone)
even setting alarm for am just in case, then relaxing with tv and falling asleep on couch then shuffling off to bed in evenings - not healthy for long-run but comforting some nights now
going to library every Sat. and either taking, renewing, or returning book(s) and at least 1 dvd
getting up early and going to bed early even on weekends
doing enough laundry to get me through a week, on weekend

Now at the same time,
I haven't taken the garbage out in weeks!
Never yet the plastics or paper recycling!
Have tons of other laundry piled high needing to be done
Haven't changed the sheets in I don't know how long
Have only lost 1 pound in over a month
Have been overspending (but have a new commitment to stop)

So I have a lot further to go to even get through 1 day without pain.

But let's do this!

Let's put self-care somewhere there at the top of our list in at least one way for at least this one day.

Okay?

Today's 100 Gratitudes

I am grateful:

1. My aunt Rose’s life
2. Our sleepovers there when we were little
3. Her great academics and teaching
4. Her bringing us to her school for the day a few times
5. The green stamps
6. Her taking us to a store, and saying pick anything you want (or from a certain section, or my mother saying only so much) and us leaving with the cart full of her stuff and ours
7. Sleeping in the rose room
8. All the dinners at her house. All the beautifully set tables and big dinners and hours and hours of nice times around her table with family.
9. That I could get the day to go to her wake and/or funeral today
10. That J is coming, at least to the wake
11. That maybe this hole-in-my-stomach feeing won’t always last
12. That I am taking better care of myself
13. That people come on the meditation thread and do it and share
14. Lifeline magazine. I have to get a subscription soon
15. That I could even consider such a thing. That I am in a position to.
16. That my father always said I would go to college. And that has enabled me
17. That my parents paid for college
18. That J and I met with B yesterday
19. That starting today, my finances get in order, period
20. That M loves and trusts me
21. Every conference has gone well so far
22. Mrs. L was so loving to me and even kissed me
23. Mrs. La said such beautiful things about me to me
24. Mrs VV heard the need
25. People who put their integrity into their work
26. My AW peeps
27. T’s and what I get from watching them
28. The commitment to exercise I can feel starting in me
29. I am safe and clean and dry and sheltered
30. I have the luxury of as many baths or showers as I want
31. I have a washing machine
32. I have a dryer
33. I have room for storage downstairs
34. I have stuff to store
35. I have supermarkets nearby
36. I have drugstores nearby
37. I have department stores nearby
38. I have home type stores nearby
39. I have big box stores nearby
40. I have health food stores nearby
41. I have dog food stores nearby
42. I have vets nearby
43. I have doctors nearby
44. I have florists nearby
45. I have stationary stores nearby
46. I have TJ nearby
47. I have shoe stores nearby
48. I have discount stores nearby
49. I have furniture stores nearby
50. I have bookstores nearby
51. I have diners nearby
52. I have restaurants nearby
53. I have ethnic restaurants nearby
54. I have vegan restaurants nearby
55. I have theaters nearby
56. I have parks and nature nearby
57. I have nature on my own premises
58. I have a beautiful, old oak tree out front
59. I saw buds on a tree or bush thing down the block Sat while walking Ph. First like that I’ve seen this year
60. The kids’ reaction to the few snowflakes the other day. Tongues out to catch them. Sweet.
61. All the b’day cards I got from the kids.
62. The necklace R. made for me
63. Mrs. E and how she makes me the kasir.
64. Mrs. K and how she always brought the vegan cookies for me
65. That I will use whole wheat couscous in the braised cabbage dish instead of risotto, which is white flour
66. That I went to that meeting the other night
67. That Ma drove
68. That we got there safely (she drives fast)
69. That we got home safely
70. That it was so positive, with so much recovery
71. That I just laid on the couch and watched tv and dozed last night
72. That I kind of like that lately
73. That I don’t put myself down for it
74. That I grew up with my religion
75. That I got a Masters in it
76. That I prayed
77. That I went to Mass often, even daily as a child
78. My First Holy Communion
79. My 5th grade leading the First Holy Communion
80. That J. was one of them
81. My 8th grade crowning the statue of Mary
82. That J remembers that
83. My pink dress with white or whitish trim for 8th grade graduation
84. My amethyst ring present for 8th grade graduation
85. My 8th grade graduation party
86. That we had a pretty house
87. That I had my own room
88. That we had a yard
89. The built-ins in my room in the other house
90. How I loved to read myself to sleep at night with my book light in that first house
91. The brand-new kitchen in the second house
92. “I know where they’re going” and Je telling me that sentence
93. That Me was able to get through yesterday with all its challenges, despite her stress
94. That I too, got through yesterday with its challenges, despite my stress
95. That Tr was so understanding about me probably not making it later
96. That maybe I will make it
97. The welcoming feeling at the meeting the other night
98. Meeting potential tonight. And every night
99. That people say I need to just say yes to every invitation right now
100. That going to the library every Saturday is sort of becoming a habit

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful:

1. I went to that meeting
2. I went with Ma
3. She drove
4. There were two good speakers there
5. I saw Sh
6. I saw Ja
7. R introduced herself and wanted to remember my name
8. M went out of her way to say she thought she’d seen me there before
9. Safe ride up and back (she drives much faster than I do)
10. They said yes to the eval yesterday
11. I was brave and strong and did it despite discomfort (at that meeting about the eval)
12. It was an easier day with the kids because of the 5 that were absent, the particular ones
13. That I’m able to get up and move about in the mornings
14. That my hands are so soft now. So recently they were dry and scaly.
15. That I’m able to make coffee
16. That I’m able to drink coffee
17. That I can get the day for Aunt Rose’s funeral tomorrow
18. That J is coming
19. That the coffee table is so relaxing now, with the bell and the blooming tea pot and not a lot of clutter
20. That I got to work safely yesterday
21. That I had greens at breakfast and lunch and some at dinner
22. That I didn’t eat any junk
23. That I felt so much more clear-headed with the clean (until the too much at night, and the corn flakes, which have hfcs)
24. That those two people listed themselves as followers on my blog. I don’t feel so alone out in cyberspace
25. That I could just sit quietly at the after-school math meeting yesterday
26. Hot drinks
27. Fresh veggies so available to me (I should use them more)
28. My pink camera
29. Being able to function, physically, brain etc.
30. The positivity in that room last night
31. The clapping
32. That I got my kids to clap more last week
33. That we heard from E and J says *we * can see them
34. That there is still hope for us
35. That there is hope for me
36. That A, and K, and P gave me their words for that meeting
37. Lessons I’ve learned, am learning about what’s really important in life
38. That I’ve been to the country
39. That I’ve been to the city
40. That I’ve been to the mountains
41. That I’ve been to the beach
42. Art
43. Artists
44. Architects
45. (People who do beautiful things)
46. The lessons at the Met with the kids, from which I’ve learned so much
47. The time I took J after our lesson and taught him from what I had learned (the walking around the sculpture time)
48. The time D.D. gave us that evening tour with learning, and J came (and we drove K and J brought the veggie loaf he’d made for us)
49. That veggie loaf (pre-vegan) and how healthy it was and how we all loved it, J, me, my mom, K, MA?...
50. That party we gave
51. Ph’s funky NY bow at that time
52. Right now, I am alive
53. And sitting here
54. With comfy pjs
55. And a smile on my face (Wow?!)
56. Budget will get in better order today
57. So will “investment” stuff
58. Magazines that relax me
59. Not wasting my time in front of so many repeat shows!
60. Socks
61. Funky socks
62. Mis-matched socks like from that company (Little Miss-match or something)
63. That my parents let me have a pink room growing up
64. That they paid for my college
65. My father on my graduation day
66. That bell on my graduation day
67. J and his family and my mother on my Masters graduation day
68. And how he bought me towel(s) that morning
69. And we walked at T
70. Every single time we’ve ever walked at T
71. Every time we’ve gone to P.R.
72. Every lovely time we went to B.G
73. And G.I.
74. And the beach there
75. And the other beach
76. That he did the water skiing
77. And the jet skiing
78. The asphalt idea from the guy in the south which reuses (earth-friendly) and makes better stuff for roads and costs less
79. S on Sat. I know it’s kind of a repeat, but it was so helpful and I’m grateful for her that night, as I sit here now
80. That I keep my wits about me at work
81. That I’m meditating again now
82. That channel on the tv with the light classical background music
83. Fruit
84. My apple snacks in the morning
85. Mar yesterday at that meeting
86. And that she came down to me to see how I felt we did
87. And that she said, “So why didn’t that happen sooner?” She acknowledged me and what I’ve been saying
88. Me being careful of ego lately
89. Me finally growing as a person. Thank you, God. May I continue to follow your way
90. I will get through these conferences. I have done it before and I can and will do it again.
91. Lessons I learned from my mother’s big hospitalization, about how important every little bit of minutia at work isn’t.
92. All the love and care I got from J all those years
93. Like making sure I got home for a night’s sleep during that hospitalization, because I was just over my own hosp. for pneumonia, and it was so cold there
94. Not wanting to be a victim anymore
95. And his doing so much for my mother for so many years and saying, like ‘When I do it, it’s you doing it. We are one.’
96. My not taking things for granted anymore.
97. God’s help for me to get through a day
98. And that He will give it to me today
99. Hearing from people who are really experiencing recovery and miracle changes in their lives
100. Working my program myself
101. Morning time (I did one extra because the S .one was kind of a repeat)