Healing

Some of the work this past year has brought me to my knees. Literally on my knees crying and praying. <Especially the husband stuff.>
Some has brought me soft quiet deep-in-the-gut tears like I'm having even typing this out right now. <Growth can hurt! Remember "growing pains" in your limbs where you were a kid?>
Some has been fun, joyful even. <Job, embroidery, piano, French, friends stuff.>
Some has been just plain HARD! <Job>
Some has been hard but also fun and gained me energy and strength and confidence, and has supplied the missing piece in my easily-spiritual but very-very-lazy-physical-up-'til-now life. <Exercise>
The next step for me is much better eating. I am already better. You can't BE part of this group and not be better. But I need to get better still. And I shall!

Great Change Omg So Grateful

Stopped what I'm doing ~right now~ because
am getting house in best order I can
for ME!!!!!!
NOT for him
or anyone else
for ME
First time EVER
So many changes
SO grateful!!!!!!!

Making 2015 the BEST Yet!

Let’s face it: we are all thinking of “New Year, New Start.” I can only tell you that I have never had more strength, energy, and confidence than I have now! Plus I’m down inches and pounds and sizes. And – it is the first year in my life I have not had even a cold!
I started these changes at the end of June and I am really looking forward to what 2015 will be like!
Don’t make this another “start something on Jan 1 and stop 2 weeks later” year! It doesn’t have to be hard making your life better! I am proof of it!

Comment below and together we can make 2015 the best year of your life so far!

 

Make this ~really~ the:

 

Comment here for more info:)

Yesterday

Exercised whole hour!
Did TONS of laundry.
A few other little things
Then got spa pedi - feel more like a woman again....

Day by day, step by step...
A little bit down about holidays but working on positivity and doing ok!
Finished "Wild" by Cheryl Strayed - loved that book.

Remembering this now:

Holding on. Holding on. Holding on.

Blessings to everyone reading this! xo

And So - Here We Go

Starting today, I am off for 15 days.
Yay.

I am in a sort f self-planned boot camp! And excited to be! I have spent days getting set up physically and emotionally for it.
My goals:
1. 3 weeks as pure as can do 21 Day Fix
2. Including reigning in the food more
3. Definitely do the 3 weeks of exercise as in the plan - maybe even a little more
4. Follow a schedule on weekdays in terms of: exercise, foods, house work including the dreaded parts and phone calls, reading for school, beachbody coach work, leisure.
5. Change the schedule for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year's Eve and New Year's Day -- but do NOT take off from the food or exercise! :)
6. Have some fun with other people! I already have a few things planned. Yay.
7. Do some things I enjoy alone like embroidery and piano (in the scheduled leisure time).
8. Decide and stick to which day go to bank, to gyms to cancel, and to get new eyeglasses.
9. Toward end, buy some new clothes.
10. Meditate 5 minutes every day.

I am nervous but I feel good about all this.
And
Quite honestly, the house things I have been putting off for 5 years - or forever...
And the food things, for decades, til I found 21 Day Fix.

Mainly - go easy on myself.
Love myself.
Take *care* of myself.

PS If *you* need, 2 books that rae helping me a LOT now are:
Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail by Cheryl Strayed
and
You Are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life by Jen Sincero

Overwhelmed But Good

The situation with that family in my class is worse EVERY DAY. Literally. The new superintendent is actually getting involved to try to help. I have never seen anything like it.

Mouse is back. Or a different one. I'm afraid this time he has to go. I don't want to kill but...

House is messy I am exhausted.

Parent conferences going on currently.

I need to retire but can't afford to... I hate going in at this point... Making the best

But I think the BIG POINT is that
I am okay.
When I used to be overwhelmed I was not ok.
Somewhere inside I know I will work all of this out.
I don't like the THINGS I have to do each day to get there! I don't look forward to them. They are not fun. Some are awful! And some are sort of phobic. But now - I believe I will!
So THAT is good...

Onward...

Oh My GOSH! HUGE! I NEED to NEVER FORGET THIS!!!!!

I just came from T.C.
As in Teacher's College
As in Columbia University.
Drove in for the day to attend an all-day lecture by Dr. Timothy Rasinski.
Well guess what?
Dr. Timothy Ransinski - renowned reading specialist for over 40 years I think - has done TREMENDOUS things - I've been using 2 of his big hints since last Oct ('13) when I saw him, and

um

HE
had ME
speak!
At Columbia!
With the mic!
And people clapped!
A lot!

And -
and -
and -
HE
asked ME
to work with him and write an article together!
Omg!!!!!!

I may even get to travel out to Ohio where he works with the kids in the reading clinic I forget what it's even called I'm so excited. On the district's budget no less.

Do you see what this MEANS?????
Do you see what this MEANS???????????

It means 3 things!
1.

I had a great day today. Best since London Mar-Apr 2012.  Had nothing to do with J! Neither did London. *I* am doing and enjoying and PASSIONATE ABOUT things that have NOTHING to do with J!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. about which I am PASSIONATE! ~ that I can do and get a little money for even! Beachbody and something with this - consulting? I don't even know but something!

When I retire - I now have TWO THINGS ~
(Not to mention Reiki and mindfulness and helping animals, which wouldn't be for money...)
Not to mention piano
and embroidery
and reading...
I have INTERESTS!!!!
All mine!
reading and words and animals and thready yarny things since my EARLIEST memories! They are real and they are MINE!

And 3.

This is NOT a person who cannot CLEAN HER HOUSE!
And make PHONE CALLS to get things done!

Omg I am SO GRATEFUL that I didn't kill myself!!!!!!!!!!

Book

Am reading
You Are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life
Wow!
Am reading it with some beachbody peeps.
Rushing to work - am always working - 14 hour days right now! No breaks!
But will share asap!

Thought

There are lots of people - good people - who have suffered terribly. Through no fault of their own. People who've suffered mental illness, addictions, fears, shyness, insecurity, loss, etc.

It is ok that I have not accomplished all I've thought I should!
It.
Is.
OKAY!!!!

I have accomplished what I could: I am a good person, a teacher, artistic, loyal, and keep confidences 100%. I am good to my students and my birdies. I am improving myself DAILY.
I am behind in house stuff! I failed in marriage at the time:(
But - you know what? I did what I could with what I could then. I can do better now. NO USE hating on self for past!!!!

YOU TOO!!!!!!!!

Day after Thanksgiving

It is the day after Thanksgiving.
I had such a nice time with my mother and she had such a nice time! Very grateful for that!
Had very very bad near tragic accident not kidding have never said that before! LEFT CAR IN DRIVE AND GOT OUT OMG! With mother in it, and aide out! Thank God (!) I was able to open door and get in and apply brake in time. Had it been on a hill... THAT and today's sore throat tell me I am a bit overwrought. And that that's okay because - it just exists and is too late to undo. NOT okay to keep letting it happen though!Was BEYOND grateful!
A bit sad about not having more family, hubby, ... you know. Listened to deep music (Hallelujah Leonard Cohn in different forms KD Lang, Jeff Buckley, groups,... on youtube) and cried. Was cathartic. Had great dreams after and didn't wake overnight (2 nights now) for bathroom. Not 'til 6AM. Feel emotionally well this am!
So:
Tomorrow and Sunday I will clean and shop for food and do laundry (as every Sun. except more to clean but I have two days).
Today:

 I shall relax. Piano, read, nap, birds, tv, embroider, magazine, movie (here at home - borrowed dvd from MOTHER! :)
And eat well. I have plenty of good nutritious food here.
And I already did 2 minutes meditation yesterday and 2 today 'cause I have hated med. at home alone but made promise just 2 minutes a day for 4 days as a start. And am loving it. Thankful!

When I am scheduled to see J, I get nervous - must eat less, exercise more, have great clothes, clean house... !!!!! NO! I will NOT do that to myself! I am a great person and have my flaws and whatever he feels oh well. *I* must put myself first and love myself!

And - I honestly became a beach body coach to help others, thinking it would be nothing but a pain in the neck for me but SO wanting to help others get what *I'm* getting! But now, since Nov 15 when I started, when I want to overeat or eat crap, I feel obligated to be a better role model than that! Like, "THAT would not be good coach behavior!" And it becomes easier for ME!
Wow.


Hope someone reading this gets a good message for SELF from it!

xo!

Thanksgiving Day Special Gratitudes!

1. Thank you, EJ, for giving me the online info you did! I had lost both my blogs, all my emails, everything from being hacked!!!! Am SO grateful, as always, to YOU!!!!! XOXOXXOXOXOXO

Thanksgiving Gratitudes

Of course I am grateful for the obvious biggies: Life, breathe, voice, health, home, car, career, food, water, J, mother, so much. These today, a little different...

1. That I had the horrible experience I had a few years ago, because I am stronger and happier inside me than ever before.
2. Exercise. That I have found the 21 Day Fix, which just showed up on my fb feed one day and I clicked. My life has been upgraded tremendously since that first day I did it, and I will be forever grateful!!
3. Thich Nhat Hanh. Perhaps the three biggest lessons I have learned from Thich Nhat Hanh are: 1) “Life is only available in the present moment.” 2) “…the best way to take care of the future is to take care of the present moment.” And 3) That we don’t have to be unhappy – we don’t have to give until it hurts, which was the way I was raised. That we can breathe in and smile and enjoy the miracle that is our life. THN “I think the real miracle is not to walk either on water or in thin air, but to walk on earth. Every day we are engaged in a miracle which we don't even recognize: a blue sky, white clouds, green leaves, the black, curious eyes of a child -- our own two eyes. All is a miracle.”
4. My principal, who allows me to do more and more of this for myself and my teaching, and to do mindfulness breathing with the children for 2 minutes a day. It is so good for them! Even their families love it!
5. “My” dear birds. They are not “mine.” I just get the honor of caring for them and enjoying their dance, their song, their talk, their looking me in the eyes as I sing to them, their flying overhead so happily, their play…
6. Lessons from non-human animals. Dogs, cats, gorillas, on and on…
7. Reiki. I have very strong Reiki in me and love sharing it.
8. My three closest friends. I am 100% myself at all times with them. As they are with me. We know each other; we accept each other; we love each other. We laugh together, cry together, share meals and shopping and errands and thoughts and feelings, books, work, all kinds of things.
9. Every person who is doing anything for peace in this world
10. Every person who is doing anything to help any part(s) of nature
11. Piano. I went to it kicking and screaming as a child but came around and grew to love it. I love the piano John and I bought together for me; I love playing; I love practicing. Talk about mindful! – It is not possible to think of something else when I am at the piano! : )
12. Embroidery. From when I was in elementary school and had never heard of embroidery, and I used to take a needle and thread from my mother’s “sewing kit” (an old cookie tin). I would make pictures like flowers on a paper napkin or paper towel! One day she saw me doing this as I was doing it on the sofa in the l.r. She said, “What are you doing?” “Making pictures with thread.” “You are? Did you know that is a real thing, and we can buy you fabric or even a kit to do? Would you like that?” “REALLY??!!! YES!!” And we left that minute for John Wannamaker’s. I still have that first “real” one!
13. The compassion I learned from both my parents. And still do.
14. All the walks on dirt path with dog off leash and man by my side – among my favorite things ever
15. Swimming. I may “look like” I am doing an extra slow-motion version of the doggie paddle (which is what I am really doing I’m sure) but I “feel like” a water sprite!
16. The person who introduced me to Thich Nhat Hanh and gave me my favorite book in all the world, “Be Free Where You Are.” I bought 2 more copies, 1 to share get back share get back and 1 to give away
17. London. My week in London and other parts of England was literally the best week of my life (‘til then)
18. My cousin L. I am so deeply grateful that she is back in my life.
19. Fb. I have met the most wonderful people, near and far, and some real friends. I have been able to learn and to share. I have a stream of positives every single morning over coffee: you, art, nature, philosophy, music, all kinds of beautiful things.
20. That I do not eat or wear animals. There are no words to describe how grateful I am for that.
~~ Happy Thanksgiving~~

So. This Week.

I missed a day of work,
fell broke glasses and really hurt foot - it is still healing and I can't EXERCISE! Ahhhhhh!
Had minor accident and had to pay for 2 cabs. Car towed to get new tire.
So much stress at work, a situation gone really out of control, that I actually wrote to the principal and two others at 4:25 am yesterday saying please I really needed a meeting that morning!
House has become pigsty this week with all that going on and report cards do yesterday and committee meeting and stressful class trip and course meeting and stressful mother aide situation and formal observation for my file to prep for yesterday all at once omg!

BUT:

Car is fixed and I am home.
They gave me the meeting and were extremely supportive!
Observation amazing. Not only does the evaluator think good things of me, but this lesson was AMAZING for the children. I had NO IDEA how far it would go! Helps ME to know how MUCH I can do with this special class this year!
Met my deadlines
Is new day
Am helping someone in fb IM (for free) just to help. With the 21 Day Fix stuff. And am THRILLED to be doing it!
I am alive and so are you.
I can breathe. Today I can rest. Tomorrow I can get stuff done. Exhausted. But is ok. Can rest.
Have Shakeology. Yay. That's SO right for me!

I will still be here! But maybe not EVERY single day, but most.
But am developing a second blog that I post one thing on (at least) every single day. You are welcome there, all of you. But please never mention this blog there! I want this separate, thank you.

That one is
all one line no spaces and replace dot with .  of course:
beach
body
honestly
dot
blogspot
dot
com

Stressed and Gratitudes

 literally cannot meet these deadlines with any kind of quality and still maintain my life omg.
Yesterday,
bad day -  fell hurt foot and broke glasses - 
can't exercise and that is bad for me
plus will make it harder when can
WILL dial in the nutrition today (didn't yesterday - caved) - and make the best of it!
they always say it is 80% nutrition and 20% exercise and I basically do the opposite so maybe this is better for me

and got home and saw that the yard guy - who has been mia for 4 months and we've been renegotiating for a month (I have tried to get someone new for a whole month and can't!) not only didn't finish HALF the job, but left HUGE amount of leaves all over the SIDEWALK! He never answers phone - called ME - obvious wanted money - says truck broke down bs bs bs - I screamed - you get over here and undo the damage you did! I will not get a ticket for you! "but lynn--- this that this that --- I said NO! none of that is my concern. I don't care about the past or the future or the broken million promises. You have now done DAMAGE you get the fuck over here and undo it if you have to take a fucking cab and do it with your bare hands and plastic bags!!!! I was livid.
Meanwhile he did call back and say he had come by (in the dark) and removed said leaves and would be here today or tomorrow to do the rest... we'll see. God, I hope so
And, after the horrendous world events for so long now, I said to A, "How could God not help?" And h said, "because there is no god." And I've been feeling that maybe that's true and this is a huge difference for me and a bad feeling about it all. An altered perspective I hate. Still brewing. Horrible difference though.

Meanwhile,
meetings
courses
parent pressures
kids in need
house is a MESS
I am dancing as fast as I can
Literally every classroom teacher with whom I've said hello lately wishes could retire - it is more work now than a person can do and the fun is gone. It is torture trying to keep kids happy when things are being piled on us that we can't even catch our breath. Omg!!!!!
Many of the things are caused by politicians - who know NOTHING about education - and may be trying to please constituents  - who know NOTHING about education - OR maybe be trying to help failing school but we were always one of the best districts in the world and being treated like a failing school is DETRIMENTAL to what we DO!!!!!!
Then I have a very unique situation that I believe mine is the only classroom in the world with this situation I'm not kidding. I'm afraid to even put it here. But it is absolutely ridiculous and people far higher up than I are trying to work it out. Every minute of every day is affected! Omg!
And then there is our disgusting ass't superintendent of curriculum who did NOTHING for 10 years while she got her pension from another state and her salary from ours, and now that we have a new superintendent, she's decided she must prove she works, so she has DUMPED all kinds of SHIT on US!!!!!!  This is not good for kids and very bad for us which is also not good for kids!
I am barely treading water!

But ----

I am so grateful!!!!! I have started a blog about my 21 Day Fix Journey - email me at lynnblog@hotmail if you want to know the name of the blog. And I will soon be doing a LOT of gratitudes - like that list that will probably come to 600 or something lol. I have done it here too. But in the meantime, I AM aware that I have
life
breath
voice
eyesight
etc
That I am not in an iron lung or a concentration camp
That I am employed and have a roof over my head and friends and birdies and my mother and her aide Ma and we have great visits
That I have compassion and hope
That I have an upcoming date with J
That I am taking some better care of myself

So it is ok.
In the big picture, it is ok

Love to everyone reading this!

Need to Be Here More

Well I couldn't do it - the Refresh. Tons of good feelings day 1 but then could not sleep. Hours. Finally got up and had meal.
Friend next day said, "You were detoxing." I see others who have luck with this. Oh well, it is not me. I was doing fine the regular way; I must just go back to that.

Meanwhile, work is crazier than I can remember it being in many years. None of us can keep up. No one is happy. The whole place has a down sort of feeling. We hide it as much as possible from the children. Bush was very very bad for education. Obama is yet worse. Cuomo is bad. Our ass't. superintendent of education is bad. We have more meetings than one can imagine. I recently had 17 meetings in 6 days. When shall I prepare, correct, think, eat, breathe???  17 meetings in 6 days, AROUND the teaching. How can I be in the right "place" to teach, like that?
More CRAP paper work... Teaching always had a lot of paperwork, of course. But I'm talking about CRAP. Tons of it. I seem to be the last holdout. Everyone's been saying for like 2 years, "There's no joy in it anymore." I'm only feeling it now. But I'm feeling it.

The killings yesterday in Jerusalem. They've changed me. So much for so many years. I can't wrap my head around any of it. Such evil. It's not about politics or sides. It's not about Palestinians to me, in this case... I have known and loved Palestinians. I have known and loved Jews. I'm talking about the bigger picture. Any people doing this kind of thing. Beheadings. I have known and loved Muslims. I am not condemning any group. I am terrified of the amount of evil. I am also terrified of environmental destruction all around. Where is God? And so...
I said to A, "How? How could God let these things happen? HOW?" And he replied simply, and I quote: "because there is no god." And I am scared now that there isn't. It's like a shift.

*I am not depressed. Just confused. And feeling helpless because all my feelings can't help and I don't know what actions to take -it seems none of them could possibly help.

I will continue on,
doing my best today to be dignified
and honest
to teach well
and kindly
to do the crap tons of paper work
to eat well
to exercise
and to get enough sleep.

What will YOU do today?

Love to you, peace and happiness to you, if you're reading this xo

Day 1 Review 3 Day Refresh

My SKIN feels good. I mean from INSIDE!
My lips are not chapped anymore - in one day!
My muscles feel good (no serious exercise during the day - although light is allowed I didn't do - maybe tomorrow).
AMAZING mood! I am in SUCH a good place!
The cucumber tomato salad recipe was FANTASTIC. I am shocked at how much I liked it, wow!
TONS of energy!

Wow.
Wow.
Wow.

More tomorrow...

http://www.beachbody.com/product/3-day-refresh.do?code=SEMB_3DR_GOOGLE

Guess What I Just Did? Guess What I. Just. DID?!

I just became a beachbody coach! For real. It took me 5 months because I didn't want to do it for just the discount (although some people do and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that). I wanted to have enough to really *give* - AND - to not take away from *self* either!
So I am in.
And everyone's response? Like this: "Really? You're so helpful all the time! I always thought you WERE already!"
Cool.

I am so grateful for June 21, the day I first started with 21 Day Fix. I am this weekend doing the 3  Day Refresh. I have plans for programs (a lot from Fix program(s), yes 'cause I love it) through summer!
I'm excited.
I feel new.
:)

And -
right after that, just now, J happened to call. Needed favor I am happy to do. It is a one-time help with something he does EVERY WEEK all these years for my mother! And - he wants to get together next weekend.

So:
Doing the Refresh and liking it so far
Will see M.A. for a bit
Lots IM with A and with L already
Will see mother
*Am now a coach. All on my own. No J, no guy, no necessity - just my OWN personal interest! Really have a new LIFE!
And have a date for next weekend!

What a day!

PS Of course still sending tons of loving thoughts and vibes to Thich Nhat Hanh. And someone mentioned it online and I hadn't thought of it, but why not send them to EVERYONE who'd in intensive care! So I am!

My Teacher :'( My Thay. Thich Nhat Hanh

There is some translation issue perhaps
but it does appear that Thich Nhat Hanh is dying right now in a hospital.

The Sisters ask that you sit, peacefully for Thay, as they are doing, and send him your love. Also, that you might like to chant for him (you could do it along with the monks and nuns) this Avalokiteshvara Chant: The clip is 3 minutes long. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pNfaXNGJiUc.

Read more: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/americanbuddhist/2014/11/the-passing-of-thich-nhat-hanh.html#ixzz3Iu2kUJRI

One of the best experiences of my life:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kOvZkysSXek

My teacher is dying.
I want my daddy.
I want J.
 ***** OFFICIAL UPDATE
http://plumvillage.org/news/our-beloved-teacher-in-hospital/
"Our practice of stability and peace in this very moment is the best support we can offer to Thay. Let us all around the world take refuge in our practice, going together as a river to offer Thay our powerful collective energy."

I am in a way, ashamed of myself but I will not do that to myself. Moving from shakiness and fear to "stability and peace," I will be gentle with myself, as Thay has always taught and is still teaching.

Oh My Gosh!

I am SO grateful.
To appreciate the gift of life again.
So grateful so grateful so grateful.
I will do anything to hold onto this.
The cleaning up, and eating so carefully, and cooking, and getting sleep and taking a day off (Saturday - I think I need to every week!) and exercising - has brought it all back. Oh so thankful!

Healing

Ok. So. I have figured something out!
I've had real trouble using my kitchen for the past couple of weeks - because I had the mouse! There was some evidence, and then I saw him once omg. I'm sure it was just the one, just for a short time, and that he's gone now.
But in the meantime, I, being not just grossed out but PHOBIC about rodents, could barely go INTO the kitchen except to check that there was no new evidence after I cleaned the few droppings I'd found.
Which meant - I was bringing food in from out a LOT. Like always! And that was not good for my Fix, or my wallet! I was REALLY freaked! Kept a plate, fork, cup in the DEN and washed every time used!!!!
Now all this time I've been little by little sinking. And feeling like a failure and a loser. And that's cyclical of course...
It wasn't until today that I realized: I was living very abnormally again! By avoiding kitchen and having dishes etc all over d.r. table 'cause still afraid of cabinets, and eating from dish in den... too abnormal and set me off!
And - not as good quality food as when I prep it myself!
So - *little by little* - I am taking back my kitchen. Today I was able to make 2 things, 4 servings each. They are in fridge now.
Have cleaned den, bathroom, l.r., and the "big" bird cage cleaning.
Getting there...
For 2 days was on and off having that horrible thought why live? But it is GONE!
I am so glad I made this connection! 
And of course the greens and other good foods I must eat and exercising...

Still Not Right, But

not as bad! phew THAT'S something

I am going to have to cook something. I shall use my titanium pan. It is my favorite. I shall make a veggies and potato and/or healthy grain kind of a thing.

i shall now clean some

then exercise and then more

then piano

then meet M.

i have bought jammies and slippers just now

and will buy more clothes clothes for regular not jammies soon
i will look forward to that
i will look good when go out later

ok
keep going...
keep hope...

Ok, So Here: November:

This is my safe place. I can say anything.
So
Here I go.

For these little 30 days I am going to eat even better.
Although I *have* improved my eating a lot since July 1!
But I am going to do *better!*
If it means more sleep or more piano or more embroidery or more walks or more baths or more money spent on pedis and /or massages and *clothes* (finally)... more visits with my mother, more books, prayer, writing, ... WHATEVER it takes, I am DETERMINED to give up these two things for one little month:

1. Saying bad things to myself or about myself
2. Foods that make me crazy! I already have NO white pasta. I need still LESS white flour. And NO candy!

I WILL have a Shakeology every day because I really notice the difference when I do and when i don't.
I WILL have 3 green veggies a day, every day (at least).
I WILL have 2 fresh or frozen fruits a day, every day.
I WILL drink half my weight in water and tea and Shakeology (and my standard 2 coffees) every day.
I WILL do one 21 Day Fix exercise every day.

And -
I might well add about 10 minutes of Piyo, which I'm just beginning to learn, and which I did today. It stretched me out and made me feel good. I was really careful, but no one I know of does both Fix and Piyo exercise fully every day! I want to follow mySELF for a change though! And I'm not doing all of both! Just a little Piyo each day. Yes.
Most of all, trusting mySELF will be so good for me!
And - begin careful and following my body will be too.

Good.

One. Day. At. A. Time.

Amazing Difference

Real foods,
piano time,
a little rest,
exercise 1 session
and going easy on myself
is making

Journal

Depressed
Tears
...
Must remember that yesterday morning I was so happy.
So what changed?

I didn't eat well.
and a few other things.

Today eat well.
Do my exercise
clean something
2 minutes meditation
some piano, reading, and embroidery.
maybe friend
maybe gratitudes

these should help

Journal

It is November 1 and I will do this for one month as perfectly as I can. Just had coffee and breakfast and now will do some things like piano then exercise.
One day eating perfectly today and my 21 Day Fix exercise - today is Total Body Cardio Fix.
Some cleanup and later embroidery or reading. Perhaps dinner out with MA.
Very lonely and shaky but will keep going. Birds are singing - their cage door is open. I am healthy... Will do this day ... :)

So Tomorrow

I start a new round of 21 Day Fix
and 2 minutes - 2 little minutes - of meditation by self
and clean a lot

Oh - oh - and I have FINALLY started needle work again. And am LOVING it.

Yes

Is good

I am changing.

I Have Not Disappeared.

Update.

Working very hard. How does 17 meetings in 6 days on top of teaching sound? lol. Plus little issue with one of mother's aides.  Tired also. And - dreaming good things and feeling somewhat lonely so have been sleeping a bit much. Not horribly much... but a bit.

Anyway
Today starts TWO sessions of exercise every day for 7 days! It is also a suggestion as part of 21 Day Fix for the program, but I've not done it before. Hoping I can :)

And I have started reading Louise Hay's new book, "loving yourself to great health. LOVING it. Need it.
Might continue doing "The Magic" book maintenance. Or just this. Will see.

Exercising daily. Eating better and better.
Feeling determined.

HUGE

So
I went to sign up for Pinterest,
which I've never liked because I didn't know you could put in your own interests
blah blah blah
I signed up
and guess what?

I have PASSIONS!
Interests - all mine!
And they have nothing at all to do with J or any other guy!

*I do not hate guys - I love them - but everything was always all about them!
This is new!

I am so grateful!

Changes

Wow
I just took one of those silly online quizzes but I enjoy them - it asked
You've just won the lottery. What do you do?
I didn't pick save it. I picked: go on a safari.
I don't know what I'd *really* do, and I don't even play the lottery, but it was a beautiful moment to think, I won't die of starvation - I'll never be rich but I'll manage - I would go live and see mother earth and nature!!!!!!
This is a CHANGE.
And I am happy about it.

PS
3 more turds today. Mouse has not gone. Getting have a heart trap. Will give that a try first... Mouse is not my favorite kind of mother nature ... not in my house anyway!

Exercise!

Waking up each mornign
Lying in bed
and feeling my muscles from the inside out!
Oh my gosh!

How I love this feeling!
It's like I really am aware of my own existence and my own strength. I am SO grateful for this!

And then, it builds on itself.
So for example last night I REALLY wanted some licorice. Said to self, "So you'll pick some up in the morning and have it for dessert at lunch. You don't need to have it NOW.
But then, I awaken and feel this STRENGTH and I don't WANT it!
Which makes me exercise again inthe morning.
Which leads me to having a good healthy breakfast.
When leads me to another good day... .... ...

Exercise is really changing me from the inside out.

I also:
Feel better on steps
Therefore have easier time with groceries and laundry
Find myself sitting with legs crossed just naturally after years and years!
Walk around the building at work feeling good.
Sleep better and need less!!!!!!! What? Wow!
Have moe energy most evenings
Stay more positive most of the time

Short. Simple. Profound imo

Rushed.

Still,

Short. Simple. Profound imo.

I am very grateful for more order in my house.

And that I did it.

And – that I am not the dependent little thing I used to be like with Ji, or later with J.

I have grown.

A lot.

I am so grateful for this practice each am. Seeing the cloud in my coffee, and in myself. And offering love and compassion to the world. A moment. A MOMENT. Yet transformative.

--

May I today

Offer true internal compassion to all

And

Not sweat the small stuff

And remember – it’s all small stuff

You too, anyone reading this.

And now... :)

So –

Little by little I will make thse changes

Little by little I AM making these changes

And right now I feel –

Having cleaned a lot, and exercised, and gone to dinner with mother and her aide whom she loves,

That –

Heck

It’s just a mouse!

Hopefully I’ll get him to move away

If I cannot, I will try have a heart, or, the mouse will have to die. I hope not but I’m not sharing my house with it indefinitely. It could be a pregnant she – or coud bring friends… … …!

And I want J. But if he doesn’t want me, oh well.

And if principal continues to not accept my proposal for the extra work (not extra ay, extra work!) this year, so the fuck what.

I am alive and healthy and birdies are well and I am a good person.

And this underscores the need for me to be out and about

And to be with people I love too
And
who appreciate me

PS EJ  - if you see this - I don’t know how to thank you.

Update Since Something Brewing Last Post

 I have been cleaning up.

And I touched my French books. Haven’t had lesson since like July as she went away then I was too busy with beginning of school then she had surgery then I was so down and overwhelmed. Didn’t open then, but touched them, and it felt good. So I left her a message, my dear teacher and new friend, and expect we can start back up first week of November.

I also became DETERMINED to call people to help me here!

I will get basement cleaned out. Clean. Clean for once (cellar). I will get this fucking mouse gone (hopefully not killed but …). I will get the structural stuff fixed.

And maybe a little cosmetics too.

Thanks to beautiful EJ, I feel not as desperate. Will just keep moving.

*Instead of sitting around IM with A all the freakin’ time, will do for OWN self and life and fun too!

So now: 12:30 will exercise then laundry (although scared cause basement… mouse…) more cleanup things (bird cage etc).

Then shower and dinner with mother.

Tonight read and sleep and try to be calm.

Meditate 5 minutes

Much better.

Lesson if you’re reading and suffering, I think is this:

-        Keep DOING. Problems do NOT disappear because you hide from them!

Lesson if you know and care for someone who is suffering, I think is this:

-        Tell something true and positive about self. EJ did that for me, and I cannot tell you how it has uplifted me.

Be gentle with yourself.

I will try to too

Something Brewing...

First, Yesterday's Grats, then the real issue:(

1.      Thich Nhat Hanh

2.      My promise to him for his birthday. (He turned 88 yesterday) That each morning first sip(s) coffee I will see the cloud in my cup and in myself and offer love and compassion to the world.

3.      Did today. Though new, and forgot til second cup. That’s fine though

4.      The strong feeling it gave me. POWERFUL in my hands and beyond! A beautiful practice!

5.      My deep breath

6.      My Shakeology

7.      My decision – that it is ok to trust mySELF and follow 21 Day Fix food plan with some modifications as I always have been, but getting better and better all the time.

8.      My newer emotional strength. Still a ways to go but bigger

9.      My new more physical strength

10.   Exercise

--

Now:

Sat. J. called. 

It was nice and all, gonna go out soon etc etc

But - there were other things.

I felt his tension because things about my mother and her wonderful but psushy and therefore problem causeing aide, and involving J in it....

And he said "crazy busy." I said "that's good." he said "it would be if productive, but-" So I know he is frustratted.

Poor J trying to prove self.

Do you nkow, that I would help him? I would give hours, money, .... BUT that I know it wouldn't help. entitlements lead to resentment. I have lived with his hatred. I don't want it again.

Anyway, I was shaking and crying when hung up (both times, as had to hang up and call back since was traveling). Second call I couldn't hide the crying. Oy

And I overtalked. Nervousness... Always feeling (awareness, not imagination, as is tru) he is judging me and his feelings....

It was bad feeling.

Mouse in House. Found more pellets. Was overwhelming. 

Wound up overeating and going to bed.

Sunday:

Screamed at mother, and at air when off phone too.

Rejection buttons and injustice buttons were pushed.

I went running to A (online) for help.

I was HORRIFIED by my own rage. HORRIFIED! He probably was too.

Mother and I had good long talk and made up.

Then?

MORE mouse turds. Counter, drawers, cabinets! Both sides kitchen! 1 - 5 in each place but that means he gets around! I don't even know where the hell to put my dishes etc! I cannot tell you how much I scheve this. Am phobic!  Need help with it.  I know about kill traps. I know about have a heart traps. I don't know WHAT the hell I'll do! I am itchy all over.

Then, Sunday evening:

Yard guy (no lawn or flowers - we're talking about basic clean-up here- I had been texting because no one came since beginning of August.... 

FINALLY got back to me last night. He said needs cash. There IS a balance but I usually give check. I gave the cash (he is old friend of J and comes to mailbox for it).

BUT - he also promised they'd come today - and gave me some story about having had to fire two guys for lying to him... ... ...

Anyway, he'd better send them today! I ask him what time he doesn't get back.

I fear there might be drugs involved - something is weird.

I NEED stuff cleaned out there! I have fallen twice on leaves and twigs on steps, and animals now!! He promised.... Yeah, 'cause he wanted money... We'll see.

The 11th was Thich Nhat Hahn's birthday. 88. He wanted one simple promise could keep, from people, he said, like seeing the cloud in their tea and self. I gave promise that every morning first sip(s) of coffee I would see the cloud in my coffee and in myself, and offer love and compassion to the world. 

I am SUCH a compassionate person. Don't even wear pearls (although I have some that I LOVE, from before) because of the OYSTERS. And yest I could scream at my elderly sick mother yesterday? And have HORRIBLE thoughts that if bitch-sister were murdered I would feel like smiling??????? Who the fuck AM I?  I am HORRIFIED by this! Don't even know HOW to work on it! Just do my jobs around here (which I DREAD) and pray and do spiritual things and exercise even more and look online for help. :(

I am thrilled about exercise. To awaken and FEEL my muscles from within, 

to be stronger on steps etc,

to be gaining in confidence,

to be getting emotional stuff "to the mat"

to be losing inches, and slowly, weight (22 lbs since end June)

and making better food choices due in part to desire but also in part to body awareness,...

But I DREAD doing the fucking house stuff.

And now - the big decision.

I will clean up here today. I do not know if I can get self to do kitchen or must put traps and stop using it for few days. I scheve it so much!

Then must decide: Do I beg J to come and get kitchen mouse turds cleaned  for me and get rid of mouse? 

And would he? 

And should I anyway? 

His experiences with me should NOT be doing horrible things on house - he had enough of that! They should be pleasant! Am I desperate enough to risk his bad feelings.... ?

*I* had bad feelings with the burdens he places on me Sat, and *I* WANT him!  IMAGINE if I give HIM bad feelings, when *he* is ALREADY ambilvalent?

Last - A said too many phobias? "Time to get grip. Too many phobias."

I said like what?

He said: 

J, flat tire, mouse, mother visits, pension, fix house, divorce..."

I felt like SHIT!

Am I SO ill?

Am I HOPELESS?

I feel really bad.

:(