Recital

I played

Not lots of piano things to say like last year.

But - emotionally
1. I will not allow myself to be treated like a 3rd calss citizen again
2. I cared more last night about my relationship with my piano and my birds than with J. Which at this point is healthy
3. I did it.

Big fight with O beforehand.
Almost didn't go.
Which meant no more teacher/ no more friendship.
We were both wrong.
M intervened.
I went
It was emotionally awkward.
I was in much physical pain.
But I played
Did my best
It was good in terms of tone and melody
but the fast piece I played too slowly
and
I made mistakes in all pieces! :( Oy

But I am not a professional. I am a student. And I did my best.
And I am proud of myself

And - three great things:
1. O and I made up. I hope we don't have to talk it over today but we might.... if she needs. But we did make up/ each said I love you/ and I am having a lesson today to get new music
2. learned some things about how to grow as a musician.
Including a certain focused careful kind of practice
AND
I HAVE TO play in front of people more. (2x in 41 years not enough lol)
And
3. I played on a 9 foot Busendorfer
like this

Piano

I just went out.
Feel so good.
It is glorious out.
Recital is tonight.
I just needed to start a "Piano" category because wish had recorded (in words) what had felt last year:)

I know Kayleigh said don't constantly analyze feelings. And I know she is right.
But these are positives.
Plus - I am TRYING to PROCESS piano - that's what it's ABOUT.

:) :) :)

My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful:

1. Friday nt – I just took a ride. I am free, and I am breathing in the beautiful air God gave me.
2. Tomorrow is my recital. And no matter how it goes, it will be fine. I will be fine.
3. Sat morning now. I woke up in a bad place. Last night got glass in foot, woke up by falling out of bed, no feeling in hands, recital tonight, lonely, etc. Thought of m’s cheerfulness and smiled.
4. Then saw pic of M and her girls and smiled even more.
5. Then got email from L and smiled again.
6. JJ
7. Birdie
8. EJ
9. Kayleigh
10. _____

11. My birds flying.
12. And just flew right around me
13. Jewel comes so close and perches and looks right at me. For example, last night.
14. I’m beginning to get feeling back in my hands.
15. Hope
16. Practiced the Chopin – last time – was fine
17. Plants – indoor plants
18. Flowers
19. My tiger lilies that just grow there outside on their own
20. And my bamboo too
21. Birds. Birds in nature. My birdies, who at least are free SO MUCH, and pictures of birds around the world. Birds are little miracles in my opinion.
22. This_____

23. And the fb page, Birds around the World
24. This _____

25. _____

26. Talking with MA now on phone
27. "Look, I don't want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you're alive you've got to flap your arms and legs, you've got to jump around a lot, for life is the very opposite of death, and therefore you must at very least think noisy and colorfully, or you're not alive." Mel Brooks
28. “Don't ever give up.
Don't ever give in.
Don't ever stop trying.
Don't ever sell out.
And if you find yourself succumbing
to one of the above for a brief moment,
pick yourself up, brush yourself off,
whisper a prayer,
and start where you left off.
But never, ever, ever give up.” ~Richelle E. Goodrich
29. This________

30. _______

31. coffee
32. water
33. recital tonight
34. M coming
35. I can drive her car
36. We will eat out, afterward
37. I remembered to get the address and directions
38. Her car is filled with gas
39. Grass
40. MA long talk on phone this am. It was great
41. My birds are so happy TOGETHER
42. I’m SO GLAD for the TIME I spent sitting on that floor making sure to find two who were already good friends!
43. Cameras
44. How much they talk together
45. The rings Summer uses so much for his gymnastics
46. They seem to like all the toys this week
47. I am very nervous about tonight’s recital. So different than last year’s. nighttime. And far away .And I must drive. And my hands and shoulders and neck have been and still are in pain…. But I am so GRATEFUL that I CAN play piano
48. And have one!
49. And paid for it myself too
50. This_____

51. That I have all my fingers
52. And can move them
53. And my arms
54. My toes
55. And my feet
56. And my legs
57. That I can swallow
58. The oak tree blowing in the breeze outside my window right now
59. I am grateful for this gift of life
60. And for humor
61. And for St
62. And M
63. And MA
64. And ML
65. And O
66. And A
67. And L
68. That I am a good friend too
69. That I have been on stage, and enjoyed it, many times.
70. That I went to London!
71. By myself!
72. And paid for it myself
73. And loved it every minute!
74. My iPhone
75. My car
76. My little home
77. Wood floors
78. That I have a tv
79. And a little cheap stereo. But it works.
80. The Good Life shared a photo. We get so busy in our everyday lives, we stop looking,we stop feeling and we become numb. Start looking for The Good life in what your doing, right now this very second. When was the last time you took a break, a potty break , a smoking break, a lunch, and you actually looked at something beautiful. The smile of someone you love, an old photo of some place you visited. This does NOT REQUIRE a very big time commitment. Find your Good Life, remember what makes you happy, what makes you smile, what makes you feel. _______
81. That I have closed the piano and cannot touch it again today.
82. Vegetables
83. Fruits
84. That I can drive
85. That M is coming with me tonight
86. That MA is finding her way, bless her
87. That we are still close
88. And SO close
89. My little dog I used to have that was the greatest sweetest most innocent creature ever
90. That after being abused for 4 years, it took her only under 15 minutes, lying on my front while I lay on my back, the first time we met, to stare into my eyes, let out a big, whole-body sigh, and relax.
91. And she stayed that way for the 9 years I and then we had her. Relaxed. Fine. Happy. My little babe: ) So blessed to have had her.
92. As she was t have had us: )
93. Summer. It is summer
94. And Summer my birdy
95. And Jewel my birdie
96. Their inquisitive nature.
97. That non-human animals seem to live in the moment. And have so much to teach us.
98. Smiles. I just had one and it is staying: )
99. Affirmations
100. The idea of the Tao of Pooh (although I haven’t read it)
101. That my kids loved Winnie the Pooh so much.
102. And Zucchini even more.
103. They were saying Pooh was the best book they’d ever known
104. And the were saying Zucchini was.
105. That I gave a copy to that special boy. Even though it is out of print. I think I did the right thing. For him.
106. Hope.
107. God.
108. This day.
109. That I actually feel that way. Grateful for this day. Phew. Grateful for THAT.

My Mommy Just Said to Me

...knowing now that I am depressed
and doing my best for the concert tomorrow
and she really can't come - will be out for like 8 hours...

she said,
"I love you.
Very much.
And Lynn,
I'm very proud of you."

That was nice.

100 grats today

There has to be always, much to be grateful for. I am grateful for:

1. Kayleigh’s suggestions the other day. So loving. So helpful.
2. Every contact from Birdie
3. Every contact from EJ
4. Every contact from Birdie
5. M called me a little while ago
6. And is coming to my recital tomorrow
7. St the other day – our visit.
8. And she may come too.
9. My beautiful little miracles, my birds.
10. They are flying right now.
11. They are happy and healthy
12. And chatty.
13. I adore the sound of the flaps of their wings
14. I am grateful for God in my life
15. And prayer
16. And hope
17. Scrabble blast at wired arcade
18. Good books
19. That I can read
20. Grateful that I can see
21. And move my hands
22. And walk
23. Facebook in the mornings. I love those posts from the pages I’ve “Liked.”
24. My health.
25. My poop is the right color and everything
26. MA. Our right-now-daily talks.
27. My being exposed to The Law of Attraction
28. This, from Beyond the Veil where the Angels Ascend fb page ________

29. Although I am sorry this animal is in captivity, I feel happy looking at the beautiful one. _____

30. This______

31. This______

32. http://www.dailygood.org/story/466/gandhi-s-10-rules-for-changing-the-world-henrik-edberg/
33. My practicing is so difficult right now. And I’m kind of freaking out about the concert. BUT I’m grateful that it wasn’t as bad a could be…
34. I am grateful that I am a free person.
35. I am not in a concentration camp
36. I am not a slave
37. I am not forced to work in an underground mine
38. Or even a factory
39. Or a slaughterhouse
40. Or a factory farming place
41. I am not imprisoned (which would be falsely of course)
42. I have never stabbed or shot or armed robbed…. Any serious crime. (as a kid I stole – nothing since)
43. I hand fed the birdies and it gave me such pleasure.
44. *******I had just decided – I will ENJOY this day!!!!!
45. And I am downloading a book I want to read, which has some twists. People at work really liked it: “Defending Jacob”
46. And I closed the piano. Because at this point, with hand problems, I am doing more harm than good …
47. And I will do a load of wash
48. I am very grateful to HAVE a washing machine
49. My Nook
50. Tv
51. Food delivery
52. This____

53. This. Oh this oh this oh this oh this _____

54. Hearing
55. Skin
56. Feet
57. Home
58. Microwave
59. Stove
60. Oven
61. Sometimes Dr. Phil
62. Ability to swallow
63. And talk
64. And breathe
65. Birdies’ activity center
66. Millet for them
67. Water
68. Air
69. Sky
70. Clouds
71. Rivers
72. Parks
73. beaches
74. Trees
75. Grass
76. Giraffes
77. Zebras
78. Elephants
79. Dogs
80. People who rescue them
81. Sanctuaries
82. Games
83. Bookstores
84. Haircuts. I didn’t get one at a place for like 12 years.
85. Hair
86. Nails
87. Feet
88. Legs
89. Muscles
90. Core
91. Stomach
92. Throat
93. Esophagus
94. When J used to love me
95. Confidence any bit of it I ever feel
96. That I am a goo teacher
97. That I have summer now
98. Chairs
99. Sofas
100. loveseat

God, I pray that (for someone else here)

as S is being made a rabbi, at this moment in real time,
that you touch his heart.
He is one of the meanest most dishonest, cruelest people I've ever known.
Please touch his heart to feel you and not make a joke of this reverent solemn sacred post.
Amen.

And of course, may I also be touched by you to be fair and kind to others as well.
Amen.

My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful:

1. Not as bad this morning.
2. But – having said that, I will NOT take my emotional temp. all day/ Kayleigh;s suggestions were all wonderful.
3. Thank God for Kayleigh
4. And for her health!
5. And for all the time I spent thinking of and praying for her!
6. And for all of us who did!
7. EJ
8. Birdie
9. JJ
10. This:
11. Golden Girls dvds. I only have one old-fashioned tv, in the den. And I can use my laptop with those to clean and do jobs I don’t enjoy, around the house. Someday I won’t need them maybe, but I’m glad I have them now.
12. My dr. yesterday. Pointing out the competition my mother always put me in (unconsciously)
13. And – that I learned from her that to be dependent and weak is to get love. But h pointed out that people don’t love me for my weaknesses, but for my assets.
14. ***We are not blaming my mother. A good woman. But psychiatrically very very ill. And these are unconscious and she couldn’t/ cant help them. But the effect is the effect. And I’m grateful that it helps me, knowing. Yes. Very grateful
15. I am grateful that slept as long as felt like today
16. I am grateful for this day
17. Off
18. And my abilities to walk
19. And see
20. And breathe
21. And move
22. This
23. Parks
24. Beaches
25. The beautiful weather
26. Recital coming soon. Exciting
27. That piano feels so good for me
28. And I shall have a lesson the very day after, to find new pieces on which to work
29. This ____
30. Deepak Chopra
A says, and I quote, “I always believed just talking to wise friends gives alot of benefit as therapy

maybe
maybe the reason matters or maybe it doesn't

maybe the answer is just begine again and forget

I have told some folks
forget the past completely
dont go back there

it is too much pain or shame forget it

start again NOW.” I find that helpful
31. This. Yes I agree with this. Even though I have dealt with parents who feel that reading fiction is a waste of an 8-year-old’s time. ______

32. This _______

33. This _____

34. My hands feels ok. Gonna practice soon : )
35. This _____

36. This: Gaia speaks The Self is the one thing you can discover, not by travelling miles, but by being very still inside your own being and saying to the Supreme, “Yes, absorb me.”
~ Mooj
37. Thich Nhat Hanh: The nind can go in a thousand different directions, but on this beautiful path, I walk in peace. With each step, the wind blows. With each step, a flower blooms.”
38. This ______

39. On phone with L. Glad. Nice.
40. Maybe will go to a museum next week one day
41. “None but ourselves can free our minds”
~ Bob Marley

42. I just ate healthy meal
43. My birds are singing
44. My trees
45. I am grateful that I can speak
46. And hear
47. And play piano
48. This____

49. Strength
50. Courage
51. Friends
52. O
53. MA
54. St
55. M
56. YOU
57. J
58. L
59. A
60. God
61. Jewel
62. Summer
63. That they get to fly
64. That I do that for them
65. And so much
66. I am grateful that I have both my kidneys
67. And my liver
68. And both my lungs
69. And my heart
70. And my colon
71. And my stomach
72. And my throat
73. And my esophagus
74. And my tongue
75. And my nose
76. And that that surgery opened it up so I can breathe
77. And at night too
78. That I do sleep
79. That I dream
80. That my dr. is not giving up ion me
81. That, I think, I am not either
82. Greens.
83. Vitamins
84. Claritan
85. My eyedrops
86. My iPhone
87. Tea. Regular old black tea
88. Green tea
89. White tea
90. Earl Grey tea
91. Herbal teas
92. that Yogi tea is organic
93. that I accomplished some stuff yesterday
94. that I am alive
95. that I am grateful to be alive. Phew. I’m ashamed to say I’m not always
96. I have a robe
97. And deodorant
98. And soap
99. And toothpaste
100. And a toothbrush
101. And a remote control
102. And music
103. And tv
104. And a laptop computer
105. I am free
106. I have an income

Oh God Help Me What if I

just
make the best
and defuckingcide
that the best is efuckingough

i cleaned as much of kitch as could
dr on way
bird cage clean
ate veggies breakfast and lunch
practiced piano
talked m, ma, and o and mother

when dr leaves i will do one fucking load of laundry
and
i will change my attifuckingtude

because the bathroom needs to be redone, does that mean it's not worth keeping clean?
yard
kitchen
l.r. etc.
is the l.r. better with the patch in the ceiling but whole room clean and in order,
or better with the patch in the ceiling and messy and not dusted or vacuumed
...

My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful:

1. I am grateful for the Cablevision problem so that I was “forced” to talk with J about the lawyer stuff
2. He is coming 8:30 tom. Am to help with the lawyer stuff
3. J. was here.
4. He helped
5. Will help. Thank God for that much
6. Grateful that can breathe on my own
7. That am not a slave
8. And that have never had a slave
9. That A helped me last night
10. And MA
11. And M
12. That practiced piano this am
13. That birds are well
14. And singing
15. And flying
16. And have food and water
17. That *I * have them. They do bring me joy. Thank God.
18. YOU. If you are reading this, I cannot tell you how much it means to me that I am not alone in cyber-space.
19. EJ
20. Birdie
21. JJ
22. Might go meet St for coffee later
23. Not in as bad shape as last night. Thank you, God!
24. That there was info on not killing self online last night
25. There are self-help groups
26. And self-help books
27. Owls.
28. Pictures of owls too
29. This: Appreciate everything, even the ordinary. Especially the ordinary.
- Pema Chodron____

30. This Sometimes the Simplicity of the Truth can be difficult to comprehend...but if you want to be Happy...Lucky....Healthy...Prosperous...Successful...and any other wonderful thing....
You have to IMAGINE YOURSELF THAT WAY....
That's how the Magical Manifestation begins...the Image you hold of yourself is who you become.....Period.________
31. Wed. now. Grateful saw St yesterday. Was better for me
32. Was there for 3 ½ hours at bookstore. Was good for me.
33. She still loves me.
34. Dr. helped a little on phone
35. J. is going to help me a bit.
36. I am off today.
37. Birds are flying.
38. M called
39. Nice pone chat with L. yesterday
40. A helped a little too
41. Vegetables. I fucking didn’t have the right greens. Those iceberg lettuce things don’t count. For like 3 days. And wow. Last night I ate veggies – real ones- and I felt the difference right away. And still do. Thank you, God
42. I have opportunities. I do.
43. My sweet beautiful dear birds.
44. Some people sort of laugh at that. I don’t know for sure why. But I’m grateful that I don’t care. These boys give me joy. And I am good for them.
45. The Microsoft Word page I have, about how to feel better. Memories of the SHIT. And it IS sthit. That is MINE> Not about J.
46. That I am aware. That part of me feels better when hear from or see J, because is like a drug hit. And how pathological that is.
47. Friends. I am so grateful for St’s friendship.
48. And for O’s
49. And of course M’s. My true sister.
50. M and I will, should have some fun this summer together: )
51. Movies. I like to go to movies.
52. And I should at night. Will I think maybe 3 x this summer.
53. That although my stomach is nervous, I do NOT feel like I did yesterday thank you, God.
54. MA
55. Her friendship
56. That she is still alive
57. And her example
58. And that she feels my love for her too, I think.
59. This: Zen to Zany There are moments when you have to find a safe peaceful place to hide from the "doom and gloomers" the negative nellies..they just see the world as a place one must survive, instead of thrive. I don't argue their "realities" but I won't be pulled into them either. So I hide in the garden of my own Happy thoughts. It works.
-z2z- _________

60. I thought A had dumped me as a friend this morning, because I can be such a fucking drain. It looks like he hasn’t. And I’m grateful for that.
61. That I am a free person. Even free like able to go to the bookstore yesterday.
62. I feel like shit. Already. But am grateful. KNOW have much to be grateful for. Like eating veggies right now for breakfast.
63. And not working in a mine or a factory
64. Why why why the fuck why is my stomach killing me with nervousness? But 1) I am not dying of a dread disease and 2) I can take a valium if I need to
65. Learning
66. Good helpful books
67. That there apparently IS a place for fiction, too.
68. That I DID it. I ate veggies at breakfast today. Phew.
69. That I practiced piano already this morning. Twice
70. That M is coming Sat
71. That St might even show up too
72. J yesterday saying that there are people who really can’t live with themselves for things they’ve done. I said, “oh. Like murder.” He said, “And worse.”
73. I will. I will I will I will I will clean my kitchen and the birdcage today.
74. This I made up my mind not to care so much about the destination, and simply enjoy the journey.
Living in the Present moment and embrace and enjoy the moments of bliss.
Appreciate what I do have, and try to make the best out of what I do have.
Sometimes letting GO and just going with flow is the best thing to do.
When we stop trying to control and obsesses over things, and let let them happen in their own way - We feel less anxious, as if a burden has been lifted off our shoulders.
With that Faith, We feel light hearted, more Positive and Calmer.
And being in that state raises our vibration and attracts more goodness our way.
Try and be Positive and Stay Strong.
Have a Wonderful day.
Tree Tunnel, Azerbaijan ________

75. __________

76. This _____

77. I just played the Chopin. Pretty well.
78. I was a support to O after her trauma finding her neighbor dead on her front property this morning!
79. This ________

80. And this _______

81. I bought a book yesterday on amazon. Self-help type. Little inexpensive. Will come soon.
82. And today I’m going to buy, “And the Mountains Echoed,” by the guy who wrote Kite Runner (and Thousand Splendid Suns)
83. O will give me a lesson Sunday! The day after the concert! To come up with what to play next. Phew. I really need that. I told her I do. Piano, despite growing up being beaten (literally) into submission over it, saves me so many many times now! For the past several several months! And even like a year and a half! Phew
84. St. might even be in the area of my recital and stop by on Sat! Exciting
85. THAT it is an exciting thing. In every way. Nerves included. But it’s good!
86. I will go with O to kickboxing next week.
87. This is not like the kickboxing you can see on youtube. This is world-class guy. And I’m very excited. I could not stand the Zumba music. Want this
88. And I’m so glad for her that she had it today! Because she just called me a little while ago after finding her neighbor dead: ( Omg: ( But after 911 and police and all, she did go to kickboxing, and the guy worked her EXTRA hard because of the trauma, and it helped her. Good.
89. A. just wrote to me, and I quote, “SURE IT WILL MASKE U TOUGHER” about going to kickboxing.
90. This: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xFdvzH24LP8
91. Pictures of cheerful colorful balloons
92. That M is working these few days and making extra money
93. Lunch soon.
94. Veggies at dinner again! And maybe at lunch too. Serious serious about veggies! Oh Lord help me to DO it. No matter what! EVERY day.
95. I played the Mendelssohn. Not tooooooo bad.
96. The Rachmaninov not toooo bad.
97. My sweet birds. Jewel right now playing and Summer eating.
98. Rori Raye and the emails I get from her
99. The fb page Romancing Your Soul and Regina
100. That I am here, with THESE problem, breathing on my own, and – about to – gulp – clean my kitchen!
101. That I had veggies at breakfast AND at lunch today. Phew. Thank God.

I don't know

what it's going to take.

If I can heal.

Some people get over far far worse things.

Done to them.

Even done by them.

But for whatever the fuck reason,
I still suffer from, from my damage.

And I hate so much of what I have to do.
But - there is so much I could and would hate MORE.
Like those awful 10 days in the hospital afraid for my life (based on what dr. told me). What if I had had THOSE and WITHOUT J instead of with, as I did... Just for an example.

I feel so weak.
And am SO disappointed in myself.
But what can I do?
I can only do what I can.

So
today, tomorrow, friday and saturday and sunday
just 4 1/2 days
what I shall do is:

Keep eating the veggies
pray
practice piano
clean something. maybe one room a day. or even half.
do laundry
just stay sane no matter what
and take care of the birds of course

the end
...

I must. I must I must

I MUST try and let go the CRAP. And live IN THE MOMENT.
And GIVE.
And have FUN too.

Like
here I am feeling so bad about people thinking shit-sister does for mother. NOOOOO!
But -
here is MA's friend who fell TWICE. First time other day and broke shoulder 85 years old.
And last night again from bed and is now in hospital with fever too.

Vegetables!

If you do nothing else, self, eat the fucking vegetables. Every day no matter what.

God

i promise
to try my best
amen

Trying

"In the blackest of your moments, wait with no Fear. "

--Rumi


A. was doing this for me:
"Breathe
In
Out

Slow down
Breathe."

And this:
"You have health, job, home, car, birdies, pension, sexy... You are in the top 1% of the world. Freedom!" (His parents were in concentration camps."
--

I looked online for "reasons to not commit suicide" and for help groups.
--

I called MA. Asked her, "Did you ever think about killing self?"
She said yes in 20's. when lover left her.
And - has come close to that kind of thinking during last few years due to health...
I asked her how didn't.
She said in 20's, figured, chicken and chicken and double chicken, and "let's see if something better happens."
And now, she seems to be just making the most of what she CAN do. "I can go to the supermarket. Read books, watch a movie, see a friend." That sort of thing.
I felt so foolish. She knows that by the end she will be not able to breathe and is hoping they can just sedate her from that.
And wishes she could be around for her grandson to grow up.
And here I am wishing my life away?

God help me to not do that. Please.
Thank you.
Amen.

Well. It is back. God help me.

God. Help me. Please.
Please please help me.
You are my Father.
You made me.
Please give me the strength to live my life that You gave me.

The despondency is back.
I beg for Your help.
Amen

My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful:

1. I don’t feel bad like when I first woke up about 30 minutes ago. That amazes me when that happens And I’m very grateful for it!
2. Moved birds to other room and put on a/c for self last night! Phew. Helped me sleep: )
3. L called this morning.
4. That I didn’t go to the “mermaid parade.” I had envisioned a beautiful, high-class artistic elegant event. Omg I saw pics – nooooo! Opposite!
5. I will simply do what is right today: )
6. That I sent Ma some support yesterday, finding out her spouse left her: (
7. I woke up
8. I have a day
9. I am off toay
10. I can eat well
11. I can drink water
12. I can walk
13. I can clean kitchen
14. I can do laundry
15. I can practice piano.
16. Freedom
17. I WILL do for my mother
18. I’m glad somebody can
19. “When you arise in the morning, think of what a great privilege it is to be alive – to be, to see, to hear, to think, to love, to have something to look forward to. Happiness is a big part of these little parts of your life; joy is simply the feeling of appreciating it.
Realize that it’s not happiness that makes us grateful, but gratefulness that makes us happy. Make a habit of noticing the goodness that’s already yours and you will see more of it every time you look for it.”
Unkown from fb page Raising Vibrations
20. “"Transformation happens when we reach deep inside ourselves and dare to live authentically, moment to moment to tell our naked living truth. Transformation happens when we dare to take risks, to question and to listen to our gut feelings..When we are willing to make mistakes, to take responsibility for and learn from them, and try yet again."” As above
21. This_______
22. Reiki
23. Holy feelings
24. This "Everything changes when you start to emit your own frequency rather than absorbing the frequencies around you, when you start imprinting your intent on the universe rather than receiving an imprint from existence.” _____
25. This: Today I want to remind you to breathe....xxx

“Just as your state of mind affects the way you breathe, so also the way you breathe affects your state of mind. Your breath mirrors your mental state; it is a vehicle for not only the physical oxygen that’s necessary for your body functions, but subtle energies as well. The air has its own aura or energy field. Calming your breath also calms the thoughts in your mind. As the agitation of your mind begins to subside, your breath naturally becomes even calmer, thereby making your mind even quieter. Breathing slowly and deeply can lead you into more peaceful places within your mind, heart, and soul.”
Spritual Awakenings_____
26. I have opportunities
27. And I believe that the more I DO, the more I’LL be ABLE to do
28. So today I will do
29. And am grateful for that thought
30. Birds should be fine in temp. of house
31. And I am being very careful with them
32. I can buy some clothes soon
33. I can get to the store (or online catalog lol)
34. I have a car
35. I did those hundred grats with L that time. He was thrilled. That was before I knew he was crazy, and I had such a nice time! I’m glad I had it – not sad
36. That although scared of crap I have to do, NOT DEPRESSED! THANK YOU, GOD!
37. I am lucky to live here at this time
38. To still have much nature, but also electronics. (Although I would choose nature. But am too weak to say no to electronics lol)
39. Conversations with friends in the morning – IM, phone, email, sometimes in person,…
40. My breath
41. My voice
42. Y ability to eat and to swallow
43. And to drink
44. Water!
45. Trees!
46. This. That I’m doing this
47. This: “Whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment, are precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment. There is a hidden meaning behind all events, and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution.” - Deepak Chopra
48. About to clean the den
49. And bathroom. Good.
50. Nightgown
51. Robe
52. Slippers
53. Clips to keep my hair off my face is so hot
54. a/c
55. will get fan from school. The one I paid for. And bring it home for summer
56. foot bath
57. baths
58. never been shot
59. or stabbed
60. can see
61. humor
62. organic food
63. fingers
64. wrists not as painful
65. my digestive system
66. can hear
67. can walk
68. woods
69. dogs
70. sanctuaries
71. no-kill shelters
72. people who are kind to animals
73. that I don’t eat meat
74. computer
75. piano
76. t
77. little stereo
78. paintings
79. pictures
80. presents
81. gift cards
82. books. So many things
83. fridge
84. dishwasher!
85. Washing machine!
86. Thongs (shoes not underwear lol)
87. That mostly I do sleep at night
88. And dream. Dreams can be helpful. Enlightening
89. Coffee
90. Organic soy milk.
91. Organic soy yogurt
92. Good breads
93. Greens
94. Greens for my birdies
95. Sex. I will have more. I will : ) When the time is right
96. hugs
97. kisses
98. smiles
99. friends
100. my neck. That I can move my neck

My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful:

1. A. was so nice to me this morning.
2. And seemed happy too (IMing)
3. Birds already been flying throughout house
4. Go into open cage as desire
5. Day off. Yay. Need it.
6. Hands still bad. But not AS bad.
7. “The way to develop self-confidence is to do the thing you fear “~William Jennings Bryan
8. “Gratitude is a sacred space where you allow and know that a force greater than your ego is always at work and always available”.-Dr Wayne Dyer
9. Driving this morning, I realized – really felt it, knew it: I have my health. That is my gift. And I do not need J.
10. And – take care of my health
11. And – not be DEPENDENT on that either. Appreciate it.
12. This_______

13. Great orgasms I have had
14. And the relaxation after
15. And the after cuddles
16. From Zen to Zany fb page. Wow! t can you say about the Human Spirit??? What can you say about women in fields, men at war, children in poverty...what can you say about our Human Spirit...we make the best when we can...and when we can...we make it BEAUTIFUL._____
17. “Do not die with music (stories, other talents) still hidden inside you. Listen to your inner voice and find the intuitive passion awakened in your soul.”
-- Wayne Dyer, Eagle Feathers
18. The nice b’day present I made for my friend. And not overboard. Friendly
19. Texting
20. IMing
21. Spinach
22. Water
23. My digestive system
24. Light comedies on a Sunday
25. Practiced a little Mendelssohn. Maybe my hands will be good enough by the concert. Fingers crossed
26. Scrabble Blast at Wired Arcade online
27. Nice pics I took today
28. Talking to M a couple of times today
29. She is doing well too
30. I feel better about myself
31. White arctic foxes. So beautiful
32. That I would never ever wear fur again omg
33. Onions
34. O called to thank me 4 going yesterday
35. Osho
36. Rumi
37. Maha
38. Thich Nhat Hanh
39. Hair
40. Sinks
41. Floors
42. Birdies
43. Inside and out
44. I can walk
45. I have leg muscles
46. And a heart that beats
47. And I can breathe
48. I have safe malls for walking
49. And safe parks
50. And safe beach
51. And safe streets
52. Mandalas
53. The labyrinths we walk too
54. Fresh veggies
55. That my kids planted some
56. And harvested
57. And ate : )
58. I can speak
59. And hear
60. And see!
61. Eye drops
62. That I don’t forget to take them
63. Valium for the unusual occasion when I need
64. Took 1 small one today
65. Zebras
66. Elephants
67. Elephant babies
68. Puppies
69. Doggie
70. That St has a good family life
71. That J was found that night he was missing. Oh, thank God
72. Newspapers. Some. Sometimes lol
73. I THINK A is enjoying his b’day. Good
74. Oprah has shared so much with us. Wisdom of many
75. Maya Angelou
76. My face
77. My lips
78. My smile
79. My pretty and expressive eyes
80. Stones from the river
81. And the book, Stones from the River too
82. That I can read
83. That I can help others read
84. That I don’t eat chickens
85. Or Turkeys
86. Or Geese
87. Or ducks
88. Or fishes
89. Or cows
90. Or pigs
91. Or lambs
92. Or goats
93. Or any animals
94. Orange juice
95. Organic foods
96. That my KIDS are grateful for access to “not just fook, but we have GOOD food. So lucky.” My sweet little (now former) students 8 years old
97. New starts
98. At any moment
99. Good quality magazines
100. Time.

My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful:

1. This is a day the Lord has made. Let us rejoice in it. That I had that thought upon awakening.
2. I am grateful for this beautiful day and to be alive in it.
3. My birdy babies are flying right now and happy and chirping
4. “If you're lonely when you're alone,
you're in bad company. “
~ Jean-Paul Sartre
5. "Education is not the filling of a pail but the lighting of a fire."
--- W,B. Yeats (posted by Marianne Williamson)
6. This_____

7. This_____

8. I just went to the store, first thing in the morning. For a bagel. And other store for coffee. Because treat self today, first day “off.” (Even though I have more to do lol)
9. And – I felt – great.
10. I. Felt. Great. Driving. Free.
11. And ince out.
12. And I called m. Ad shared it with her
13. And she feels it is like miraculous.
14. She has been through this whole journey with me.
15. And she is there too now. Yay.
16. ***********I am NOT dependent on J!!!!!! (Maybe I never was, as dr. says and others, but – I NOW IT NOW!)
17. I can eat like a person.
18. And lose the rest of the extra weight
19. Yesterday, driving home, U was a big down and nervous, frightened of the emptiness and depression, loss, - and I SMILED AND FELT HAPPY – picturing my BIRDS! I am SO GLAD that happened.
20. I am SO GLAD I got them – took them into my home – on March 10.
21. They are happy
22. And healthy. Yay.
23. Meditation
24. And sharing it with the kids in that special way yesterday.
25. And letting them each keep a stone.
26. And that THAT meant so MUCH to them! They are RICH. And one little river stone – meant so MUCH to them. Because they are exceptional human beings. And they value love and connection and mental health and joy more than material things. They like their material things. And I know that once you have all that it frees you to not worry… But they are 8 years old. And they *get it * like some classes do not. I am happy FOR them.
27. And of course that I got to work with them.
28. Hope!
29. And knowledge – that is IS really good out there!
30. And in here
31. This is not manic. If anyone reads this and thinks I’m manic depressive. No. This is just finally good. Better. On the steps of healing for the past 3 and a half years.
32. I’m glad that I have read in reliable scientific sources that it often takes people 3 – 4 years to heal. That means I am on schedule. (I’m not foolish – don’t think now is bliss forever. But have felt 2 other bump-ups before. And this is a third. And each is bigger.)
33. To be – to be able to – be – me. Without J. I am living as a PERSON. A whole person. FOR THE FIRST TIME!
34. This________

35. And I’ll add, “No matter what others think. Because, for example, some people seem to make fun of how I feel about my birds.
36. What would I do if I weren’t afraid? I’d SHOW UP for my LIFE – every day
37. And I’d be sick less : )
38. I went to England!
39. BY MYSELF!
40. And I LOVED EVERY MINUTE! Miracle miracle miracle
41. I used to have this dream – this wish – this fantasy – that J. would come back. And I would stay all night and the next day, lying in be with him. Resting like I haven’ in years. Because Then, Then, my life would be back. And I would be okay. Phew. Breath. But NOW – NOW - I KNOW that is crazy. And that even if it HAD happene, it COULDN’T have worked. A HEALTHY lie HAS TO BE a WHOLE life. I never really became whole before. I am not. Becoming whole. On my own. (And only then, COULD I even have a good relationship, ever.)
42. I – am not lonely. I am fine. And – I have something (piano with others) to do later too.
43. Had nice chat with my mother this am.
44. And am taking her OUT Monday. Good. Nice.
45. This_____

46. This _____

47. This____

48. Nice IMing with L. today.
49. THIS friendship is good. I think it was very bad when he still wanted to date, and we would get into misunderstanding, little fights… THIS is not co-dependent and not datey and is good.
50. This ____

Beautiful
51. And – it does mean that others need this too. And it helps us all…
52. This is huge to me. Maybe I was too different from J. But just wanted him so much…______

53. ____

54. Again, the POWER the OPPORTUNITY to change it. I am not a slave. I am not in a concentration camp. I am not in an iron lung…
55. This____

56. I’m really liking talking with A right now. BUT – is not as HEALTHY as the other things I’d be doing…. Hmmm. Doesn’t feel quite as good. Hmmm. Food for thought.
57. I have loved loved loved driving today. A free feeling. Like J used to talk about having. And I never did, really.
58. Went to the students of O recital. Very nice. Glad went.
59. Looked good.
60. Saw 2 kids from my school.
61. Mom told me older one would NOT have gone if weren’t for me!
62. Glad to be out day after school closes
63. And I’m not sick the day after school gets out (last year was sick ‘til July 8!)
64. And - I’m not vegging out unable to do anything but lie down, day after school closed.
65. Up and down little worries but really feel FINE
66. And HOPEFUL
67. And HAPPY even
68. It’s also inspirational for me. Like, *I * know that although they’re nervous, NOTHING rides on how they “do “ – well – same for me!
69. And – they’re no more nervous than I am - *they * can do it – so can I !
70. This _____

71. Yes. So true. I have found out____

72. Knowing WHO Ziz Ziglar is, through J.
73. I am grateful that Jewel’s flow throughout the house
74. And keeps exploring
75. Summer less so but is
76. O’s mother. Great to see her (in from Russia)
77. Looks great
78. And said I look great
79. “"It is a miserable state of mind to have few things to desire and many things to fear."

To clear up the mind, one thing has to be accepted:
You can choose what to think about.

Now granted, it's difficult at first. I won't lie to you. It's difficult to change how you think because you've been practicing your particular pattern for years, but with persistence and observation and awareness, you can change it.

So many times we think that we are miserable because of the circumstances of our life, but that is never the case. It is always, 100% of the time, what we are thinking about those circumstances that is making us miserable. Change your thoughts about your life and your life changes. Stop thinking about what you fear and think about what you love and appreciate instead.” From Happiness Convert fb page
80. Great phone call with M today
81. She has CHANGED HER WEEKEND AWAY EVEN THOUGH IT INVOLVES OTHERS – to be at my recital for me!!!!!
82. And that *I * will try to be so good, for HER doing this too. So maybe she can enjoy! : )
83. Nice breeds nice doesn’t it; it seems to feed and grow
84. “…gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder.” G.K. Chesterton
85. I virtually ALWAYS do sleep at night. I’m grateful for that.
86. A is going out tonight. Maybe I’ll read. Wow. Realizing how much time I do spend chatting with him!
87. May I remember this forever now ____

88. Wow! Birds flying SO MUCH
89. And really to me a lot too! Wow!
90. "A happy life consists not in the absence, but in the mastery of hardships"
Helen Keller
91. I’ve eaten healthfully so far today
92. Had a good day
93. Can have relaxing evening
94. Have eyedrops
95. And Paxil
96. Affectionate Jewel
97. Timid little Summer
98. I do love them both
99. Friendship
100. Love
101. Appreciation of me for who I am