So. Life...

I am appreciating that life is precious.
I am finally thrilled to be alive.
One month ago I was depressed, very - so I don't know that that is gone forever....
But I *get* something. On a deeper level!
I do NOT NOT NOT like living alone oh no no no I do not.
And a LOT is going on with my mother and her aides.... VERY difficult for me to handle, especially since there is bitch-sister who never even lifts the phone...
And food and weight
And worries
And exhaustion
And house
And money
... ... ...
And it doesn't matter.
And THAT'S the big point!

I am here, and I can see and hear and speak and walk. I have water and food. I have my two precious birds who love each other. I have shelter. I love love love my students. And they love me. It is a very special year. (Although every year I love them and they love me). I am doing new things, after all these years, and the things are working beautifully. The kids love them, AND they invigorate me.
When I have more greens I have so much more energy.  I even like salads and green drinks now.
I am learning French! I have spent a week in London! Alone! And loved it! I have a break most days. I can play classical piano! I can stay on tune singing! I can embroider! I can think! I can read! Spring weather is on its way here very soon! I have compassion! I am Reiki Level II! My *students* are leading the 2-minute meditation each morning now, as per their request! I have MA and M and St irl good friends. And EJ and JJ and Birdie still and always in my heart and prayers. I am doing the right things for my mother. I have humor. I sleep at night. I have a really nice book group.
Life is a gift and I am determined to keep enjoying something every day. And even the whole day.

I am very thankful, Dear God.

And One More, Dear God

Thank you for the growth I've been thrown into making.
And J's growth too.
Thank you that he sent me birthday wishes
AND
wants to take me out next weekend.
Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.

I am so far from thoughts of hurting self. Since that depression in mid-Feb, something changed in me. I let You in, goodness of the universe in. And I realized - deeply internally - that I could not give up precious life, seeing the grass and tress and birds and sunshine, helping children, learning French, music, etc etc etc, because one man wouldn't want me. I REALIZED how CRAZY that had always been.
EJ, JJ, Birdie, therapist, A, M, St, MA, S, all have helped me grow to that. And my own hard work.
And You.
And now after THAT,
there is actually hope anyway.
Wow.
Thank you for my new life and attitude. And lack of desperation (though still desire) for being with J.
Thank you and praise you. Amen.

Dear God

Dear God,

(ACTS = adoration, contrition, thanksgiving, supplication)

I worship and adore only You. All goodness beyond my wildest dreams.
I am sorry especially for every minute I haven't appreciated my life and taken care of myself.
Thank you for this new chance with health and mental health. I will not overeat this week. One week I promise to You.
I ask you to bring me and J, after our growth now, back together. I will accept whichever. I value my life now. But I ask for that. We are both thinking about it. I ask you to bring health and happiness to everyone who reads this blog, all my fb friends, all my irl friends, and my family.
Thank you.
Amen.

Dear God

I ask you with every cell of my body, with full intent and open heart, please give J T  the baby she so dearly wants and keeps trying to conceive at doctors'.
I remove all distractions as I ask you this and feel your power.  I ask this and know it can be so.
Amen.

Dear God,
Thank you that I don't only ask for myself things now.
Thank you for all - for everything - for life - that I didn't take it away - for my mother's miracle that time  for challenges too.
I praise you and honor you.
I am sorry for every minute wasted.
Amen.

Dear God

I offer all bad feelings and any suffering of today
all mistakes of today, and I have already made some,
all joys and luckinesses of today
for je. t.
that she is holding a healthy baby of her own next year at this time.

Amen.

Dear God

Please give me strength.
I know the things I have to do.
And I know how fortunate I am.
Thank you for my having learned of the practice of 100 gratitudes a day.
Thank you that I am doing it.
May I today, just do those things I have dreaded and put off for so many months - one day's worth - and do it with grace, dignity, gratitude, and cheer.
Thank you.
And please, please help the 12 year-old boy who was hit by lightning.
And D's and A's faith.
And all those suffering atrocities of assault from without or within.
May we restore mother earth to the garden you gave us.
Amen.

God

i promise
to try my best
amen

Dear God

God, I offer myself to Thee.
To build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt.
Relieve m of the bondage of self
That I may better do Thy will
Take away my difficulties
That victory over them may bear witness
to those I would help of Thy power
Thy love and Thy way of life
May I do Thy will always

(3rd step prayer)

Dear God

Thank you.
I was so okay this morning.
And then later, so scared about all this BIG money loss that has occurred, and
the financial person and the lawyer for my mother and the paper work I'm so bad at, and paying the bills - all of these SO HARD FOR ME. I know that it sounds 1) like there must be money to have a financial person, but YOU know there isn't! it's just about trying to save hundreds. And 2) like what's the big dear. But YOU know me, my fears, my flaws.

Thank you, Father!
I came home and in an hour and a half, did all I could do.
Oh thank you so much!
And tomorrow is a big meeting.

I must NOT beat myself up for the past.
I can face things TODAY.

Thank you too, for M's friendship.
And her help today when I was CRYING in SCHOOL omgoodness (no kids around of course).
Thank you.

Thank you for my mother calling me Sweetheart today!
And - even that I did not have to ask for J's help with this.

The truth is, I AM okay.
In the moment I AM okay.

Lord, thank you.
And that I said the 3rd step prayer this morning too.

I very much appreciate getting through these things.
I'm not asking for anything for the future right now at all.

Just want to say how grateful I am.
And that I didn't think I could feel this way today.
But I do.
Thanks to You.
Amen

Dear God

Thank you.

Thank you that since Wednesday's therapy session I am better.
That I cleaned the den so well today.
That I can walk and talk and see.
That I have 100 grats a day (and more).
For my birdy boys.
For my friends.
That I am alive.
That I want to be!
Thank you that I woke up today.

Thank you thank you and thank you.

Amen

Dear God

Oh God, I can change my life, please?
I am in better shape than I was years ago.
So please, help me hold onto the BELIEF - the KNOWLEDGE that I can change my life. Further. Starting this minute.
I am behind in so many things. But I DO know that only my own fears and lacks hold me back. Or maybe not even lacks - only fears of lacks....
May I today,
just

meditate for 5 minutes, 2x,
exercise once, for 5 minutes,
teach well,
clean either the den or the kitchen,
send out ch's check,
and do one load of laundry.

It doesn't sound like that much, I'm sure, to someone who might read this. But for me, today, it sounds like A LOT.

Please help me to do this.
And to believe, and FEEL better.

Thank you for ALL my gifts.
Amen

Dear God

This morning I actually felt, while walking up the walk to school,
thank you for the recent torturous hardships, and all of them. Maybe they hace finally gotten through. I feel more, human, complete, allowed-to-take-up-space-in-the-world.
I loved exercising yesterday evening and how it made me feel today.
Thank you, God.
May I continue to serve you today. Amen.

Dear God

Dear God, I know that I don't have any REAL problems. That i create my own problems. May I do the right ting today, all day. Amen.

Dear God

Thank you for the morning and my breath. I will do the right thing(s) today. In Your name. For Your glory. Amen

Dear God

Dear God I offer this day to you. This day you have given me. I shall live it well. I promise. And THAT brought a smile to my face. Amen.

Dear God

Dear God
Please help me. I don't know what to do. I felt suicidal on Christmas day and yesterday was pretty much as bad.
What more should I be doing? I am trying to do my spiritual work, eat right, move around, do my job, take care of things here, and keep with friends.
I think I have to change - too much time on computer between work and bed, too much sitting around lazy, too much avoidance, not enough focused exercise.
Please help me.
Please help me to do the things I need to do.
And to be okay. Not that awful, awful, want to not be here anymore feeling.
Thank you.
Amen.

Dear God

Good Morning, Dear God.

May I meet all the challenges and joys today, in Your name. May I:
Give to the children and earn my salary.
Read a little something worthwhile.
Take it easy.
Clean one thing up.
Enjoy my breathing.
And not obsess about any man. Or anything. For this one day.

Thank you for this day.
And thank you that I'm feeling happier today.
And thank you for my revamped blog.

Amen.

Dear God

Good Morning Dear God,
Thank you for all my gifts, including the health that I do have.
May I live this day without fears.
I offer you my food for the day, that I take care of my body.
God, I offer myself to Thee, to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy power, Thy love and Thy way of life. Amen.

God, I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me today. Why am I so nervous? I didn't eat sugary things. . .
I am a nice person, I am growing all the time, I am trying to do the right thing(s). Why do I have to be so nervous? Please help me. I am trying.
Please continue to help me.
Amen.

Dear God

Dear God,

A.C.T.S.
Adoration. Contrition. Thanksgiving. Supplication.

I praise you, my Creator.
I am sorry for all the time I've wasted not being all that You made me to be.
I am grateful for the lessons.
Please give me an abstinent day today. I know that although I am working Step Eight, I must still sort of rework Step One, and really One, Two and Three, every day.

In the shortcut:
I can't.
God can.
Let God.

Thank you, Father.
Amen.

--

Addendum
And please help my mommy today.
Thank you. Amen.

Dear God

Dear God,

I give you this day.

Thank you. For *everything.*

I offer you this day. All its beauty, "hardships" (snow shoveling etc., intestinal stuff), mediocrity, surprised, everything - for Your glory.

And I ask you for nothing today. Just offering You the glory of a beautiful day that You have made.

And thank you for my life.

Amen