Monday, June 30, 2014

Reminder of Why I Am Doing the “21-Day-Fix”



I have more ENERGY! Omg so quickly. Literally RIGHT AWAY. Like Day 2 and on!!!!!!
That means I can practice more piano
I can get up and down the stiars more easily
I can do everything with less to no pressure on my knees, as muscles take over!
I will lose weight!
I am feeling strong in places I have never felt strong like my shoulders!
And
My EMOTIONS are better served this way!

Oh my gosh what a gift.
I am SO grateful for finding the 21-Day-Fix!

And on top of all that, it is so easy to follow. Virtually no thinking at all!
AND I am NEVER hungry, NEVER!

The Magic June 30


June 30, 2014

Count your blessings. Make a list of ten blessings. Write why you’re grateful. Reread your list, and at the end of each blessing say thank you, thank you, thank you, and feel as grateful for that blessing as you can.

I am truly blessed to have Chopin’s music in my life,
because I must call it an undertow – I know that is not a musical word lol – but there is an undertow that touches my heart.
Oh thank you thank you thank you!

I am so happy and grateful for having played on a piano on which he himself had played,
because it is one of the great thrills of my life!
Thank you thank you thank you!

I am truly grateful for my boys, as in my birds,
because they are sweet, happy, plucky, active, healthy, singing little joy bubbles in my home.
Thank you thank you thank you!

With all my heart, thank you for all this time off,
because they are out and free many hours each day!
Thank you thank you thank you!

I am truly blessed to have plans with M soon,
Because we can talk and catch up. Also read the mindfulness trainings I hope.
Thank you thank you thank you!

I am so happy and grateful for enough money for food for me and the birds,
because IMAGINE what it must be like to struggle for sustenance. I am very fortunate indeed.
Thank you thank you thank you!

I am truly grateful for telephones and the convenience they give to us keeping in touch with others,
because it is so important.
Thank you thank you thank you!

With all my heart, thank you for fresh summer fruit,
Because it is delicious and it is nutritious and it reminds me of my dad.
Thank you thank you thank you!

I am so incredibly fortunate and lucky and grateful for plans with MA soon, and plans with St soon as she can,
because my goal is to not get depressed this summer. Achievement and happiness and growth and house better is wonderful and I am aiming for those too, but not get depressed not get depressed not get depressed is of the utmost importance.
Thank you thank you thank you!

I am so incredibly fortunate and lucky and grateful for MA and me helping each OTHER this summer,
because I need the happy friendship times and she needs the help adjusting to her new place.
Friendship is immeasurable.
Thank you thank you thank you!

Thank you thank you thank you!

2. Remember The magic by counting the blessings of yesterday and writing them down. Ask yourself the question: What are the good things that happened yesterday? Scan the surface of yesterday until you feel satisfied that you’ve remembered and written down all the blessings of the day.

Oh my gosh WHAT a day! I am SO grateful!

1.      Morning coffee IMing with A
2.      Birds free
3.      Practiced lot of piano and did well.
4.      Heard back from O. She will give me lesson in July! I think near end I will be ready for one.
5.       
6.      Exercised
7.      Showered and dressed nicely and makeup
8.      Went to mother’s
9.      Ma and aide working yesterday were there so it was like a luncheon the four of us, Mother, Ma, D, and me.
10.   We had fun! All of us!
11.   From there, I went to the library. I love that library.
12.   And I did French there for an hour and 10 minutes. I love French!
13.   From there I went to the bookstore to replace the piece of the Nook power cord that’s gone missing. They didn’t have it but he helped me figure out choices.
14.   And I bought a vegetarian magazine! Yay I love those.
15.   Then went to supermarket and did mother’s shopping
16.   And brought it to her.
17.   And picked up a few things for self too.
18.   And only spent 25 dollars on own stuff, yay.
19.   And less than last time on my mother’s stuff too.
20.   Came home, put food away.
21.   I ate a bit too much but didn’t pig out and didn’t have junk! Yay!
22.   MAINLY – THIS: I felt happy. AND I felt PEACE. I felt like when meditate. Like fine and ok and CALM INSIDE.  Almost unbelievable. NO J. PERFECTLY FINE, OKAY, CALM AND HAPPY!!!!!!
This was HUGE! Thank you thank you thank you!
And I didn’t just lay here for first two days when school got out, which can lead to a fall.

If You Are Suffering, Please Listen! I PROMISE This Is True!


Sunday, June 29, 2014

The Magic June 29


June 29

Count your blessings. Make a list of ten blessings. Write why you’re grateful. Reread your list, and at the end of each blessing say thank you, thank you, thank you, and feel as grateful for that blessing as you can.

I am truly blessed to have the Magic Rock practice,
Because it was always missing from my life something to put/keep good thought in my head before sleep. Also, I find myself going through so many good things of the day. To pick my FAVORITE. Wow. There are some EVERY DAY. MANY – EVERY day!!!!!!!! It has been maybe 60 days or more already and ALWAYS a number of things from which to choose and each special so hard choice! WHAT a lesson!
Thank you thank you thank you!

I am so happy and grateful for piano practice,
because it is able to take me “out of myself.” Not to mention it puts me in connection with others, with history, with great composers. And it helps me hear music. It is also good for the brain health. And it is even a little exercise.
Thank you thank you thank you!

I am truly grateful for this 21 Day Fix exercise program,
because I FELL stronger and I AM stronger!
Ex. Last weekend this “total cardio fix” dvd was too hard for me and I did half and came back later to do the 2nd half. It was really all I could do. TODAY – I did it all straight through – with NO problem, AND fewer modifications! IN one week! (The exercises rotate so I don’t do this one daily! I am just getting stronger totally!)
Thank you thank you thank you!

With all my heart, thank you for Chopin,
because his usic really calls to me!
And I am getting better and better and it AND enjoying it more and more!
Thank you thank you thank you!

I am truly blessed to have the time and energy now to practice!
because last summer all I could do was be miserable.
Thank you thank you thank you!

I am so happy and grateful for the library and that it is open on weekends,
because I like spending an hour or so there sometimes and doing my French.

I am truly grateful for treating myself to the French lessons!
Because I love the sound of this language. And because it is a mindful practice for me. It is also good for my brain. And opens up new worlds to me too.  And it was something I ALWAYS wanted. VERY MUCH. And I work hard. So why NOT do it for myself?!
Thank you thank you thank you!

With all my heart, thank you for my not doing inappropriate things with my married friend although he would,
because his wife doesn’t even care (I know her yes) but it would not be good for ME! I DESERVE better. Thank you that I KNOW that!
Thank you thank you thank you!

I am so incredibly fortunate and lucky and grateful for my car and my ability to drive,
because it makes all of life much easier! And lately, it is fun too!

I am so incredibly fortunate and lucky and grateful for the honest mechanic near my house and the honest mechanic near my school,
because they are trustworthy and that is a big relief!
Thank you thank you thank you!

Thank you thank you thank you!

2. Remember The magic by counting the blessings of yesterday and writing them down. Ask yourself the question: What are the good things that happened yesterday? Scan the surface of yesterday until you feel satisfied that you’ve remembered and written down all the blessings of the day.

1.      I practiced 3 Chopin pieces
2.      I wrote to O about can I have a lesson in July. That took courage.
3.      Great talk with MA. She had been afraid of how I would feel about her after seeing her at the “old people place.” NO! I love her!
4.      I had good talk with mother.
5.      I slept. Funky dreams but slept.
6.      Magic Rock practice. Wow
7.      Not depressed. Day 2 of summer vaca and not depressed. Yay.
8.      Good talks with A.
9.      Including telling him he hurt me yesterday.

Saturday, June 28, 2014

No Depression This Summer. No Depression This Summer!

Idea:

Just hand the disease of depression

over to God.

Give it to Him to hold for you

and you don't have to hold it anymore.

This Is YOUR Day Too!


Thank You Thank You The Magic Day 28


June 28

Count your blessings. Make a list of ten blessings. Write why you’re grateful. Reread your list, and at the end of each blessing say thank you, thank you, thank you, and feel as grateful for that blessing as you can.

I am truly blessed to have M just call me and be so loving,
because it really boosted me.
Thank you thank you thank you!

I am so happy and grateful for doing what was right for MA last night,
because it is what loving friends do.
Thank you thank you thank you!

I am truly grateful for the beautiful things she said about how she feels about me too,
because it is beautiful to hear such things.
Thank you thank you thank you!

With all my heart, thank you for plans for summer,
because I want to avoid depression, AND make my life better in the longrun, AND have fun in the moment!
Thank you thank you thank you!

I am truly blessed to have my piano,
because I can really lose myself in it, and enjoy it! (Just did in fact)
Thank you thank you thank you!

I am so happy and grateful for this freedom. This freedom of this day.
Because I can do anything. I can go out, stay in, clean, chill, play piano, do French, go to a movie, give birdies quality time, take a walk, read, do laundry, clean, straighten, go to city to a museum, heck I could get on a plane if I felt like, or a train, visit with doggie, go to bookstore, go to library, take a ride, window shop at mall or outdoor mall, go to beach, visit mother, see St if she’s available, or MA, anything I want.
Thank you thank you thank you!

I am truly grateful for being able to laugh, and being able to share love,
because THOSE are LIFE!
Thank you thank you thank you!

With all my heart, thank you for NOT being in a state of dread,
because, rather, I am in a state of acceptance that we can’t always know what’s next and excitement over what it might be, and happiness in the day!
Thank you thank you thank you!

I am so incredibly fortunate and lucky and grateful for living where I do,
because I am not in a war, and I have a job and a home, and I am free to do what I want.
Oh my, thank you thank you thank you!

I am so incredibly fortunate and lucky and grateful for my breath and my health,
because despite all the time I’ve given to sadness and depression and grieving after J, I am here, I am well, and I have a future to look forward to! AND – a ~present~ to ~live~!
Thank you thank you thank you!!!

I am so grateful that I didn’t kill myself, there are no words of thanks big enough. And for every person who has been here for me:
EJ,
Birdie,
JJ,
M
St
MA
L
Dr
Mother
Even J
Thank you thank you thank you!

Thank you thank you thank you!!!


2. Remember The magic by counting the blessings of yesterday and writing them down. Ask yourself the question: What are the good things that happened yesterday? Scan the surface of yesterday until you feel satisfied that you’ve remembered and written down all the blessings of the day.

1.      I woke up and was in a fine mood. A good mood.
2.      Showered and looked cute and actually got to work feeling so good about the last day.
3.      Was good to the kids. Very. Honest and positive both. And thankful. And they knew it.
4.      Aide said beautiful things to me.
5.      And I to her.
6.      I got out earlier than almost ever. Or maybe ever.
7.      I paid my overdue water bill!
8.      I paid my overdue tickets!
9.      I paid my property taxes – first time ever (cause no more mortgage). My little house is worth less than ever, but it is mine, it is paid and my taxes are paid. Yay! I worked HARD for this! I DID it! Yay!
10.   Felt happy on way home.
11.   Had called MA to offer something else good for her
12.   She said preferred me go to her new senior living place for dinner. Help her feel comfortable.
13.   I didn’t want to but of course I did.
14.   And she met me to show me how to get there.
15.   It was easy enough.
16.   And the place was far more beautiful than online.
17.   And her apartment is gorgeous. I’m so glad.
18.   The food was good.
19.   3 restaurants to choose from.
20.   She will be happy there, I think.
21.   Got a bit lost on way home but it wasn’t dark and I found my way. Took about 3 x as long as should, but I made it just fine!
22.   And had nice chats with A afterward.
23.   Magic Rock practice
24.   Tv
25.   Sleep. Funky dreams but sleep
26.   Yet further reinvigorated to keep my health at top can! For life!

--

Friday, June 27, 2014

Journal

Yes, I'm writing this partly so I will have it if I should start to fall...
But in car on way home from last teaching day of the year, I FELT THIS!
All new.


I don’t need J!
I don’t need J!
I don’t need J!
I don’t need J!  

I feel good
Strong
Did this whole school year without him and with no depression most of the time. Yes bad in Feb but MOST of the time
But I started the year and ended the year alone. And I accomplished everything. And well!
I feel like – I EXIST. Like, for REAL.
FOR FIRST TIME!

I CAN have fun and fix house and save money
I must just eat greens and keep socially active!

I love driving

I am a full person

I have a park nearby
And beaches too
And I drive
And I walk
I can visit doggie
I have 2 birds
I have friends
I have French
I have piano
I have enough money to fix the house cheaply but good enough
I am a FREE person!
I have paid my tickets and water bill and property tax! THAT feels good!

I have St who DOES want to see me,
And MA
And M
And L and A

And books
And my work day next week
And my course the week after
And embroidering
And exercise
And BGs if I choose
And GI and/or OB if I choose
And a/c and tv for “those” days lol

I have felt really GOOD a lot

I can also date if/when I’m ready and want to.

But mostly – I can ENJOY EACH DAY
AND
Keep getting better and better for future too!

Ok – I did something.
Something I shouldn’t have.
I drove out of my way to pass by where J is staying. His car wasn’t there. Expectable; he should be working.
But I felt – better.
I felt like
1)     I RESISTED calling him to see about lunch (as “friends”) because I KNEW I NEEDED this feeling that I am independent and whole and can finish the school year and stay feeling good!
2)     I thought I’d see his car there. And kind of that either way I’d feel bad.
But I didn’t feel bad.
I am reminded that I have always idolized J. And seeing where he’s living and no car and imagining what he REALLY is doing today – and how he REALLY struggles,
Was a reality check for me.

And I felt better.

I don’t necessarily need anyone who feels co-dependent and that’s the only reason they want me. Although if he did, at this point I’d still say yes I think. Sorry but that’s the truth.
But – I EXIST – independent of J.
And – there are 7 billion people on the planet. Is her more important than all of them?
Does my next breath depend on him?


What if:
I just take care of MYSELF – but not desperately!
What if
I just:
Take care of myself
Keep exercising and doing the 21 dyay fix of eating
And go out every day
And ENJOY people and things.
And feel FULL and HAPPY!
The truth is, it won’t hurt anyone. And it will help me!
And – I even feel better as a TEACHER now than ever before. Wow! Last day always felt different than this. This was a challenging year and I DID IT. And well!

Thank you thank you thank you!
I am whole I am full I am fine. I am not so different from anyone else.




The Magic June 27


June 27

Count your blessings. Make a list of ten blessings. Write why you’re grateful. Reread your list, and at the end of each blessing say thank you, thank you, thank you, and feel as grateful for that blessing as you can.

I am truly blessed to have this feeling – finally – that I can easily be more organized at work. The influence of this year’s aide has helped. But also, believe it or not, exercise!
Because there is something about waling around with muscle strength – that changes everything about the way I move at school. I am pretty sure of this change. I even underspent on supplies. First time EVER. I have ALWAYS squeaked in or overspent. Every single year. But this is a cleaner feeling, like enough is enough and a clean desk might be worth a lot to me…
Thank you thank you thank you!

I am so happy and grateful for my freedoms,
because so many wars on this earth, and I am not in one. May I enjoy this day fully and help others too also, just in thanks for THAT!
Thank you thank you thank you!

I am truly grateful for the CHANCE to have fun today, THIS DAY,
because there really are only so many days of life and this is one of MINE. Regardless of anyone else…
Thank you thank you thank you!

With all my heart, thank you for the hope I have, that this summer will NOT be like last summer. That I will not LET it. That I WILL find a way to live every day!
Because this is my life.
Thank you thank you thank you!

I am truly blessed to have EJ who has been here for me so much,
because although I’m sure she can never know how much she has helped me, I know.
Thank you thank you thank you!

I am so happy and grateful for summer fruit,
because it is nutritious, I love it, and it even brings happy memories of my dad.
Thank you thank you thank you!

I am truly grateful for this: Despite some stomach jitters for 2 days, I now realize – how lucky am I?!
Because - Summer off from work! A home, birds, friends, freedom, a working body, tv, laptop, iPhone, iPad, a/c, piano, French books and lessons, a great course, a day of paid work next week, my mother feeling happy these days, a park blocks from my house, beaches within short drive, ability to walk, doggie I can visit, love of others including MA, M, Ma, Mother, St, L, A, and freedom to do whatever the f I want. If I chose to I could get on a plane and go somewhere (cheap) even! Fix up my house, swim. WOW!
Thank you thank you thank you!

With all my heart, thank you for new ideas and my ability to be open to them,
Because, well frankly, it is a nice quality. And of course it expands my life and makes me a better person.
Thank you thank you thank you!

I am so incredibly fortunate and lucky and grateful for the nice public library near me,
because I can do French there if feeling lonely at home.
Thank you thank you thank you!

I am so incredibly fortunate and lucky and grateful for hope.
Because hope in this moment, in the next moment, in the universe conspiring for me (and each of us) keeps me going. I can better be in and enjoy this moment with hope that it is ok and the next one will be too.
Thank you thank you thank you!

Thank you thank you thank you!



2. Remember The magic by counting the blessings of yesterday and writing them down. Ask yourself the question: What are the good things that happened yesterday? Scan the surface of yesterday until you feel satisfied that you’ve remembered and written down all the blessings of the day.

1.      Had coffee and time enough to get to Ma in am before school
2.      Got an IM from someone I respect GREATLY and REALLY like She said she’d lost faith in our fiels until me and that I am everything she hopes to be. Omg! What a thrill!
3.      Aide told me how great year was and so on. That was so nice.
4.      I should be able to get out of there on time today because of more work yesterday…
5.      Fun lunchtime with others in faculty room.
6.      I got rid of stuff (last few days)
7.      I finally feel, these days including yesterday, lke I can be neater at school. (May I extend it to car and especially to home).
8.       






2. Remember The magic by counting the blessings of yesterday and writing them down. Ask yourself the question: What are the good things that happened yesterday? Scan the surface of yesterday until you feel satisfied that you’ve remembered and written down all the blessings of the day.

1.      Yesterday I woke up in the middle of a nice dream.
2.      Got up before alarm
3.      Coffee, and helped L
4.      Exercised
5.      Was great with kids. Even difficult ones whom I had to reprimand.
6.      K .came and helped me with classroom! SO nice of her!
7.      We got as far as we needed to, I think, in the classroom.
8.      Got home safely.
9.      Was VERY disappointed re J and re A (friend) but got through
10.   Slep
11.   Did Magic Rock Practice
12.   Got to do this work albeit late.
13.   EJ comments so loving so meaningful so helpful.
14.   It WAS a good day!

And I am supposed to put,  2 – 3 times a week, 10 thing I’m thankful for about a relationship over which I’m still in some conflict.
1.      J, thank you for the common sense things you taught me
2.      J, thank you for the wanting me to stop apologizing.
3.      J, thank you for the not liking the 2 people at work who were abusive to me.
4.      J, thank you for the laughter.
5.      J, thank you for saying any time I want doggie… it is up to me.
6.      J, thank you for helping me SO MUCH with my Masters studying.
7.      J, thank you for helping me beyond SO MUCH all the time with work.
8.      J, thank you for still seeing my mother every single Saturday. And doing her pills and visiting.
9.      J, thank you for trying to make your own money.
10.   J, thank you for loving the foods I made for you this spring.
Thank you thank you thank you!

And for my health things:
1.      I am grateful to my heart! For keeping me alive!
2.      I am grateful to my lungs! For the breath!!
3.      I am grateful to my feet! For the walking and the standing!
4.      I am grateful to my hands! For typin, touching, cooking, piano, driving, feeding birds, everything!
5.      I am grateful to my eyes! For seeing nature, seeing for play, seeing for work, seeing books!
6.      I am grateful to my muscles! For responding so quickly to exercise!
7.      I am grateful to my brain! For governing all my systems!
8.      I am grateful to my liver! For cleansing!
9.      I am grateful to my esophagas! For being healthy!
10.   I am grateful to my intestines! For working perfectly!
Thank you thank you thank you!

Thank you thank you thank you!