Grats - Some

I am grateful:

1. To be in London
2. That I walked about on my own yesterday
3. That everything looks so white and clean (and I found out it is – they’re cleaning all the limestone – and there’s a lot of it – for the Olympics)
4. That I took that tour bus
5. And saw so much
6. And next week will take the other route. More I want to see there
7. And that I went to St. Paul’s Cathedral
8. And did their tour
9. Plus traced lots of Diana’s steps
10. And then, the Tower. Omg what a trip.
11. So so so much bigger than I’d thought!
12. SO much history
13. And I saw the exact spot where Anne Boleyn was beheaded. And Lady Jane Grey, and poor little Catherine Howard.
14. This did not feel touristy to me, rather sacred
15. And it had moved Queen Victoria in a deep way too.
16. I passed by Starbucks, MacDonalds and Subway, and found a little British place for breakfast
17. And had vegan beans on brown toast. And coffee and pineapple juice.
18. What fun!
19. I even loved the seat the guy gave me. Sort of in the middle of things, but a little private too, by a little wall. I think he picked it because I was alone, and a “foreigner,” and it was the coziest seat in the place!
20. London people have been SO friendly to me!
21. I’m so grateful for the passport holder thing to wear around my neck
22. And that M bought it for me
23. And that I did get to exchange money for pounds (I hadn’t even known they don’t use Euros here)
24. Grateful that so many fears have been lifted!
25. And that Thay (Thich Nhat Hahn) spoke last night
26. After a great very healthy vegan dinner
27. There are only 284 of us.
28. This is an intimate group, compared to the 1000 – 1100 I’m used to the other 3 times with him.
29. I am so lucky to be here.
30. I’m not sure if I should be doing grats. I THINK it is good for me, but then again it is a distraction. So maybe I’ll stop here and do what Thay said: turn off the computer and phone.
Very uncomfortable to be alone in own head, but that's the point - get out of the head and stay...

‘Til Mon. night or Tues. morning…

Grats

I am grateful:

1. Got to airport on time
2. Had all paperwork needed
3. Got great seat on plane. Window.
4. Unobstructed view.
5. And seat between me and my neighbor was empty!
6. I slept on the plane.
7. First time ever.
8. And NO fears. Why? Probably because of all this daily “work.” So much fear has been lifted!
9. L had written to me at 4am!
10. I wrote back
11. And left message
12. And he called! I got to speak with him from airport
13. Now I’ve settled into hotel
14. And emailed him
15. and M
16. (and J whom I had to answer – about my mother…)
17. I can do my spiritual work now.
18. And tomorrow.
19. But then from tomorrow at about 4pm NY time, til Mon eve or Tues morning, I will be off electronics! Better for retreat that way.
20. Already feeling better about teeny, up and around and up and around little tiny labrynthian-to-get-to-it room.
21. And finally have eaten something (British Airways seemed to differ if their interpretation of food, from me : )
22. My taxi driver was an angel!
23. Took my out of way, after I seemed excited about London (and am!), and after he asked if I’d want, to see things. A private tour!
24. Buckingham Palace
25. Westminster Abbey
26. Big Ben
27. Parliament
28. Hyde Park
29. Clarence House
30. Harrods
31. Harvey Nichols, … … …
32. And all are MUCH bigger and brighter and clean looking than they have always looked to me on tv.
33. And I saw Alfred Hitchcock’s house.
34. And am staying right by the Abbey Road Studio!
35. But that crosswalk (from the Beatles’ album cover) looks smaller to me than on the cover. (Although there were fewer cars around it then)
36. I’m not so comfortable in this itty bitty and hot room, that I had to go through a maze to get to! But – that’s good because I know I’ll learn something/grow from it.
37. Plus, it will help encourage me to go out and DO things
38. The whole city looks brighter and whiter ad cleaner than I’d imagined, and than the way I see NY.
39. Everything’s very expensive. I don’t know how people live here (I don’t just mean pounds to dollar exchange – I mean real estate etc.) But it’s pretty!
40. And more spread out than I’d imagined
41. And not so high. Yay.
42. L’s handsome picture (with me, on my b’day) open here on my computer.
43. My taxi driver was an angel! Took me on the tour – but also – I stupidly took out a thousand dollars in 20’s, 50’s, and 100’s in the exchange place at night in the dark alone with the guy who works there. My driver came RUNNING in, and stood over me like a bodyguard, counting over my shoulder!
44. When got back into car, admonished me to NEVER do that again – anywhere!
45. And took me so I could pick up Indian food take-out and watched over me while I did that too!
46. Here, they are run by the police, and very safe, I think.
47. Plus it takes 4 years of training, and they are reviewed…
48. Tomorrow I will have a few hours before anything. Will go to museum or see if can get tour of the Tower.
49. Saw some past-violent places too. Wonder why people do such things?
50. Having really bad red wine in room right now. Really bad. But – better than the bathroom tap water! : )
51. Know will have vegan food dinner tomorrow through lunch Monday at the retreat
52. Will figure out a way to spend next Fri night and Sat and Sat night at L’s (regarding mother, J, etc. – oi)
53. Am okay inside. Oh my dear Lord, am I ok inside????!!!! Woooowwwww!
54. I even managed the underground – like 3 levels under! – public transport and baggage claim!
55. M having given me this fabulous suitcase!
56. And those vegan bars
57. And nuts
58. And cranberries
59. And that *I * have made a drawer of stuff *I * bought, that L. will have at my house!
60. And that I did manage to straighten enough.
61. And in that way too, can relax while I’m here.
62. And I have no idea what’s coming for me. I mean, if my life can be – FEEL – THIS DIFFERENT than a year ago, who knows what’s coming
63. And I think that I *will * get an awful lot out of this retreat experience.
64. And even the uncomfortable parts…
65. That I am safe here
66. That I am online
67. That I think I can sleep
68. That I am healthy
69. And well
70. And people have been so nice to me today
71. At the airport
72. On the plane
73. After the plane
74. In the taxi
75. In the Indian food takeout place
76. In the hotel
77. That I am smiling and laughing
78. And tomorrow I should see Thich Naht Hanh!
79. That I spoke with M today
80. That I feel the breeze now through the curtains
81. The night is cooling off (as the reception desk guy said it would)
82. That people have been honest with me so far, I think, here.
83. Ex I asked the reception guy what I should give him for carrying my bags up and he said, “We don’t do like America. You don’t have to tip!” Nice
84. I will, at the end. But it was nice.
85. Eyesight!
86. That I remembered my drops
87. And pills
88. And can call and see if can work out something better food-wise for trip home
89. That feel like resting
90. And am not panicked/panicking about anything
91. And that when left message with dr that could send check, since had to cancel yesterday, he left message back and said, “Forget about the check. You can do that when get back. Just have a nice time.”
92. All the years I had with J
93. All the time I’ve had alone. Really
94. The time I have now with L
95. And – although it could be fun, I’m grateful that it is NOT every day
96. Is every week and that’s right, I think. At least for now
97. But that I’m not celibate anymore!
98. Gonna sleep with little breeze on me. At home, bedroom window is like 2 feet off the ground, so I never do
99. That I think I *will * continue to lose weight.
100. And lots of people don’t think I’m ugly.
101. Grateful for you!
102. And for London! ~*~*~*~*

and must go to sleep now:) but grateful that probably can:)

I am in London!

Left 4am NY time
It is now 7:05 pm NY time (12:05am London time)
Finally settled in.

Very very grateful.

For so much.

Will try to go do the spiritual work I didn't do this morning, now, and post it.

***Then - tomorrow (Friday) 4pm NY time through Monday evening, I am supposed to be offline, due to the retreat and that is how you get more out of it...

Bbl

Affirmations

I am good enough.
God made me.
God loves me.
I have good friends!
The Universe and God My Creator are taking perfect care of me.
My life is filled with abundance and happiness!

Feelings

I feel:

Lucky!
Fortunate!
Grateful!
Sad that I'll miss L. for 9 days
Happy because know this is better for me, the going
Very relieved and looking forward because the course part sounds, now that I've seen the paperwork, like the retreats with Thich Nhat Hanh that I've already done! Just with the talks geared more specifically toward educators...
Nervous that I'll fuck up and not get there because of lack of experience and misunderstanding about bringing all the right paperwork...
Grateful for friends!
And for L. kisses!

5 good things about me:

1. I have courage
2. I do not give up
3. I am smart enough. I *think.* NO. I *am,*! Yes. Good.
4. I am pretty enough. ?
5. I am so good at meditation and Reiki and at sharing both!

Grats

I am grateful:

1. The beautiful cards I’ve already written L, to receive while I’m gone.
2. In under 24 hours, I leave for London!
3. J. called last night. He was very nice. (Friendly).
4. He is going to come by to get his mail.
5. He is also going to “check the house.” I do not feel I need this, but don’t mind him doing it.
6. And he is going to take care of my mail.
7. And – he is giving me 300 dollars to spend frivolously in England.
8. And – he is calling my mother every day for 9 days, so she’ll think we spoke and that I’m fine. Very very nice.
9. I had a dream about wanting, needing, loving him, the night BEFORE he called, and that was very uncomfortable. But I guess, for whatever reasons, my psyche just needed it…
10. M. I am so glad she is in my life.
11. And that she’s here for me.
12. And that I’m here for her.
13. Enough money to do this trip.
14. People at work, who have been so supportive, about my divorce.
15. L.
16. L. in my life.
17. L’s kisses. I have never experienced anything like them. Who could have known? How could I have known?
18. I’m so glad I held on. No matter what does or doesn’t come “of us,” I’m so glad I’ve had those kisses.
19. His brain frightens me. He knows so much. About physics, math, other sciences, art, music, history. And thinks so quickly. I could never keep up. And that makes me worry sometimes that he MUST sooner or later tire of me. But the gratitude is that he hasn’t (so far).
20. My introduction to the music of Shostakovich.
21. L. sharing his innermost feelings with me. Well, some of them. It’s a little soon for all.
22. I have my plane paperwork
23. And my retreat paperwork
24. And my hotel paperwork
25. And my suitcase
26. And a folder full of papers I need
27. And my passport
28. And my passport holder
29. I remember when I was shaking just about going to the post office for the passport! And here I am, going to London! By myself!
30. I’m so glad that it’s a TNH event. That will be so relaxing. And that the itinerary is what it is.
31. That L. makes me tingle.
32. That I gave that amazing, truly amazing Reiki last Sat night.
33. For me to feel like something negative was coming over me. But to gentle that aside and keep going.
34. And for him to tell me the next day, not knowing at all what I’d felt, that he felt his physical and emotional pain, in his words, “being pulled from me, pulled from me, pulled from me.” That is astonishing.
35. I am grateful for the power of all of this other dimension stuff.
36. And for the power that comes through my very hands.
37. And although I’m SO nervous that I’ll forget something, I’m so grateful. I *think * I *will * wind up on that plane, and in London, and at that hotel, and in my course.
38. And that I paid to make sure I’ll have a private bathroom.
39. And the retreat will have all vegan food.
40. And the rest of the time, I’ll have bars and there must be salad someplace, and I hear there’s a lot of inexpensive Indian food available.
41. That I talked with L. for a few minutes this morning.
42. And pretty much every morning (except Sundays) lately, M. calls me. Like between 3 and 5 am! : )
43. My online spiritual community.
44. Tr
45. B
46. Gl
47. M
48. O
49. My eyesight!
50. My hearing
51. My ability to speak. I remember the better part of 8 months when I couldn’t.
52. That I’m reading Helen Keller to the class.
53. And that they’re enjoying it so.
54. Healthy foods.
55. 9 days off coming!
56. Staring tomorrow!
57. Followed by two more, at home!
58. And part of those 2, with L: )
59. That a lot of the stuff of which I was so scared, is quite ordinary, actually.
60. And that ordinary people do these things “all the time.”
61. And that the people in the positions… know how to help “ordinary people” like me
62. And do so all the time
63. That I have been in elevators lately
64. And been okay
65. And been on bridges lately
66. And been okay
67. And been in tunnels lately
68. And been okay
69. That L was kind of my hero the other night when a door slammed in my house! It was the first time I’ve ever been afraid here! Except for the earthquake; having never been in one and not living in an “earthquake zone,” I had had no idea…
70. My little doggie, I miss her so. God bless her.
71. That I have sent her picture to 3 people now.
72. Prayer
73. God
74. The Universe
75. Universal goodness
76. That the universe is taking perfect care of me
77. Singing with the children
78. Flat Stanley
79. And how they love it!
80. That I’ve never gone crazy: )
81. A little red wine now and then
82. My piano
83. My little house
84. My job
85. That I can walk!
86. Access to plenty of fresh, clean water!
87. Peace, wherever there is peace.
88. Maybe a good day with students today! : )
89. Comfort. Every comfort I have. Like sofa
90. And other sofa
91. And loveseat
92. And chairs
93. And sunroom
94. And walking
95. And parks
96. My principal
97. Our superintendent of schools
98. Everyone who works and even “fights” (non-violently!) for education
99. Books
100. Libraries

Affirmations

God made me.
I am loved by God.
I am a social animal, and have people in my life.
I do not isolate.
I am happy.
I am strong.
I am free!

God and the Universe are taking PERFECT care of me!

Feelings Work

I feel:

Excited
Hopeful
Loved
Happy

Nervous about England

5 Good things about me:

1. People like me. That must mean I'm good.
2. Although I always think I won't be able to, I m able to carry on conversations.
3. I laugh with me.
4. I help my students.
5. I am self-aware.

Readings

For Today:

"We feel and weight soon enough what we suffer from others; but how much others suffer from us, of this we take no heed." Thomas a Kempis

"Do I have two sets of rules: one for me, another for you? A double standard allows me to rationalize and excuse my behavior. Other people's rules - well, they ought to know better. People know how sensitive i am, how hurt I'll be.
when i sue others to vent my misery, I am acting in the same sick way i did when I was practicing my compulsion. Those who love me unconditionally will forgive me, but i do myself no favors by whitewashing the matter and letting the real problem go unattended. The outlook for recovery begin to brighten when i can say, 'If I make allowances for myself, i will also make allowances for you.' With progress toward sanity and balance, each of us can treat the other as we want to be treated.

For today: When i start to rationalize some shady behavior, I ask myself, 'If someone else did this, would I make the same excuse?'"

--

Voices of Recovery

"Black-and-white thinking was one way i made my life unmanageable. Seeing the world in extremes kept me from people and from myself. Most of all, it kept me from having an intimate relationship with my Higher Power." Abstinence, p. 106

"I have spent most of my life looking at myself and everyone else with a black-or-white check list. I allowed no gray areas, especially for myself. My greatest fear was that others would see my large black list and realize what failure I was. This kept me from being close to others. I went out of my way to be friendly but ran from attachment and closeness because I feared the rejection that would surely follow.
In OA, I realize that i am not the only one who is imperfect. O members, friends outside OA, and God - especially God - accept me as I am. In God, I have a loving and forgiving teacher who also guides me to the better way.
This has led me out of the black hole of fear and toward the bright white light. Thank you, OA!

--

In This Moment:

"In This Moment, I set boundaries.

I never knew about boundaries until I came into recovery. I had none, but I wanted some. The other day, one of my friends wanted to gossip about someone else's problems. I told her, 'That's really none of my business' and changed the subject. Last week, my mother asked me to arrange a dinner for my ex and our two grown sons. I told her, 'If they want to do it, they can arrange it for themselves.' I set boundaries and stuck to them. What growth!"

--

The Language of Letting Go

"After-Burn

'How could I do it? How could I say it? Even though i meant it, I still feel ashamed, guilty, and afraid.'
This is common reaction to new, exciting recovery behaviors. Anything to do with owning our power and taking care of ourselves can trigger feelings of shame, guilt, and fear.
We do not have to allow these feelings to control us. They're a backlash. they're after-burn. Let them burn out.
When we start confronting and attacking feelings and messages, we will experience some after-burn. The after-burn is what we allowed to control us all our life - shame and guilt.
Many of us grew up with shame-based messages that it wasn't okay to take care of ourselves, be honest, be direct, and own our power with people. many of us grew up with messages that it wasn't okay to be who we were and resolve problems in relationships. Many of us grew up with the message that what we want and need isn't okay.
let it all burn off. We don't have to take after-burn so seriously. We don't let the after-burn convince us that we are wrong and don't have a right to take care of ourselves and set boundaries.
Do we really have the right to take care of ourselves? Do we really have the right to set boundaries? Do we really have the right to be direct and say what we need to say?
You bet we do.

Today, I will let any after-burn which sets in after I practice a new recovery behavior, burn off. I will not take it so seriously. God, help me let go of my shame and needless fears about what will happen to me if I really start caring for and loving myself."

==

Grats

Trying to do 100 without mentioning L,
I am grateful for these things:

1. That I got up at 3 and started working
2. That all the garbage is out
3. That there’ll be no rotting food in fridge or elsewhere when I leave
4. Thursday morning I leave!
5. I believe I shall a wonderful time!
6. And if some of it is difficult, as it may be, I will grow from that!
7. If that happens, I will not run from it, I will experience it and know that I am okay.
8. But I will not suffer! If I need support, I will take support.
9. I believe that for the first four days + one of travel = five days, I will contact no one. That will put me in a certain space.
10. Then I shall contact one or two people.
11. But Day 1, I shall send postcards.
12. M, for buying me that passport holder.
13. And the fun little watch.
14. Breath. Clean, deep breath this morning.
15. Jo, our computer teacher. She is a lovely human being.
16. And she has helped me personally
17. As well as with computers
18. When that door slammed last night, no one was in the house!
19. That I actually moved the car, at like 3am today(!) to make sure I got out the garbage from the back of the driveway. I’m proud of myself for that.
20. I’m grateful that I had a wonderful day with my students yesterday.
21. And that we started that wonderful project they love so much.
22. I had an *amazing * French lesson.
23. That I am emotionally accessible
24. And far braver than I’d every thought.
25. And far more cheerful too.
26. Literally, every day I am happier and happier.
27. I have things right now in my life that I love love love!
28. And things to look forward to too.
29. And they do NOT rely on J, or on ANY man!
30. French
31. Piano
32. Travel
33. My job
34. My home
35. Flowers
36. Swimming
37. Cousins
38. Girlfriends
39. Planting
40. Eating well
41. Long summer walks
42. Using my brain
43. Reiki
44. Meditation
45. Helping others; being of service
46. Laughter
47. And I know there are many wonderful things I haven’t even thought of!
48. I meditated with my students yesterday.
49. And will again today.
50. And yesterday, they were so good, that I actually got meditation out of it – not just giving to them!
51. Miss Anonymous
52. Birdie
53. JJ
54. Everyone who reads this
55. That I get to be totally myself here.
56. And more and more irl
57. That I am respected at work.
58. That I have earned that.
59. Smiles and laughter with my principal.
60. That I am intelligent
61. And capable
62. And much stronger than I ever was or thought I would be
63. And able to enjoy sexuality
64. And sunshine
65. And walking
66. And breezes
67. And lying in a comfy bed
68. That I think I will have my bed fixed soon
69. Dresses
70. Skirts
71. Cute outfits – with pants
72. Cute shoes
73. Good hair
74. Which I shall have colored and cut today
75. Meeting with Ma BEFORE school today. And she will help me.
76. Great food from hfs
77. God
78. Buddha
79. Community of Interbeing
80. Thich Nhat Hahn
81. G, who introduced me to Buddhism
82. And J, who introduced me to G.
83. The new people I’ve met,
84. and that they’ve liked me
85. and I them
86. Prayer
87. That I will meditate with my students again today
88. And let them use the pebbles. They love that.
89. That a girl in my class who really needs it (!) wrote in her journal yesterday, and shared aloud, that she does this every day now!
90. M. will text me (I text?! Wow) when she awakens and then she will call. And I will be here for her. She had a rough evening, but didn’t want to disturb my sleep, so she’ll do that.
91. I am closer to my female friends than ever. And I’ve *always * been close to my female friends.
92. I’m grateful THAT I’ve always had female friends and been close to them.
93. And for shampoo
94. And conditioner
95. And toothpaste
96. And floss
97. And my spirituality
98. And that I’m moving my body more lately too
99. And for sleep!
100. And eyesight!

Affirmations

I am a child of God.
I am a child of the Universe.
no less than the starts and the flowers and the trees, I have a right to be here (looeley stoleen from Desiderata)
I am good enough.
I have enough.
God and the Universe are endlessly good to me.

I am vibrantly happy!

I have all the conditions for happiness!

I AM ENOUGH!

xx to me!

Feelings Work

I feel:

Somewhat depleted.
Hydrationally, sexually, emotionally, sleep-deprivedarily.

But not totally depleted. Still able, thank God.

Grateful for a beautiful weekend.
And for Miss Anonymous.

Skin-sensitive - don't know why (Reiki related??)

Excited about the things I have for the students today!

Excited about *my * future - especially internal changes I expect after London (based on past experiences).

Excited about all the things in my life that I KNOW are not dependent on a man! For the first time ever I know it! Including,
my job,
my house,
my friends,
my health,
my financial future,
my spiritual life,
my breath,
England,
French,
piano,
...all these fulfilling things! All from God and me!

5 Good Things about Me:

1. I am compassionate.
2. I am open-minded to people's quirks.
3. I am forgiving
4. I am so spiritually attuned.
5. I am treating my body better lately!

Readings

For Today:

"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear." Mark Twain

"As a small child i was afraid of the dark. I outgrew that particular fear, but not the underlying reason for i: fear of the unknown. as exciting as new ideas, new challenges may be, there's always that hesitation to jump in.
Sometimes it's very hard to overcome the fear. It takes courage to do a fourth-step inventory, to look at and admit my worst faults, to confide in another human being, to make amends. I stall for time, putting aside what I'm afraid to do, trying to muster my courage.
But in the end, I do it. I dare to push past the fear because I want what the AA founders promise, and because I believe them when they say that 'half-measure availed us nothing."

For today: There are things I'm still afraid of and perhaps will always be afraid of, but I have overcome fear before and will again."

--

Voices of Recovery:

"Never be in a hurry: do everything quietly and in a calm spirit. Do not lose your inward peace for anything whatsoever, even if your whole world seems upset. Commend all to God, and then lie still and be at rest in His bosom." St Francis de Sales as quoted in For Today, p. 357.

"I calm down instantly upon reading that quote and the rest of that page. I give up control and know that my higher Power will get everyone ready, in the car, and off to the appointment at the appropriate time. I realize that my job is to stay God-centered and loving, rather than bullying everyone.
"This quote helps me even when I'm feeling calm. It always brings more peace to me and strengthens my bond with my higher Power. god loves me and empowers me to heal more each day."

Oh! Thank you for this!

--

In This Moment:

"In This Moment, I'm making lemonade.

Many years ago, a friend gave me a banner that said, 'When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.' I admire that positive attitude. I've had some 'lemons' in my life. When i adopt an attitude of gratitude, they become benefits. I know there is something good for me in every situation. I just need to be aware in order to find it."

--

The Language of Letting Go

"Gifts, Not Burdens

Children are girts, if we accept them." Kathleen Turner Crilly

"Children are gifts. Our children, if we have children, are a gift to us. We, as children, were gifts to our parents.
Sadlym, many of us did not receive the message from our parents that we were gifts to them and to the Universe. Maybe our parents were in pain themselves; maybe our parents were looking to us to be their caretakers; maybe we came at a difficult time in their lives; maybe they had their own issues and simply were not able to enjoy, accept, and appreciate us for the gifts we are.
Many of us have a deep, somtimes subconscious, belief that we were, and are, a bufrden to the world and the people around us. This belief can block our ability to enjoy life and our relationships with others. This belief can even impair our relationship with a higher Power: we may feel we are a burden to God.
If we have that belief, it is time to let it go.
We are not a burden. We never were. If we received that message from our parents, it is time to recognize that issue as theirs to resolve.
We have a right to treat ourselves as a gift - to ourselves, to others, and to the Universe.

Today, i will treat myself, and any children I have, [Lynn- or teach?) as though we are a gift. I will let go of any beliefs I have about being a burden - to my Higher Power, my friends, my family, and myself." [Lynn, and L.]

==

Miss Anonymous!

Apparently I misunderstaood and therefore misspoke here. I'm sorry!

1. He did not AT ALL say *I * have to learn how to please him in bed! I didn’t even think he’d said that! *I’m * saying that. Which is also a problem, but less so than if he were saying and I were accepting that! : )
2. He has been ABUNDANTLY clear that HIS problem with getting and maintaining erections as much as he’d like has NOTHING to do with me and PREDATES me by far…
3. What had REALLY happened, was he was walking at the boardwalk with his best friend , and waxing poetic about me. He had even stopped to text me a picture, as he was thinking/talking about me the whole time. At one point, he said to her – now remember – she used to be his lover, like 17 years ago, and she knows this problem, I know that for sure – he said something like, “Lynn’s so sweet, she even feels she has one thing she wants to learn better, and that is how to please me still more in bed!” To which best friend replied whimsically, “All she has to do is this,” and rolled her eyes and stroked his arm – not like one would stroke a penis(!) but as a plain caress, as a sort of joke because L. adores being touched in any way at any time – craves it – and after a while in their relationship long ago, she felt it was overboard and it grew a bit tiresome for her. So she did an eye-rolling sort of little joke.
4. That was IT.
5. *I * took it, nervous and my way to hang up to go take my mother to dinner, which made me very nervous – all wrong!!
6. *I * heard it AS IF he’d meant something like this – WHICH HE DID NOT! AND DID NOT SAY AT ALL!:
“Since you are as yet unable to please me in bed, I asked my former lover and current best friend if she could advise you. She, of course, WAS able to please me and I knew you wanted the help.” This was NOTHING like what had occurred or what he’d said on the phone to me. So my reaction was ALL ME. And pointed out some REAL problems of mine. The heart of my problems: fear of rejection and abandonment (child of schizophrenic mother, remember).
7. Even after my inappropriate reaction, he sent me sweet texts during my dinner with my mom, and called me later that evening and apologized to ME, saying something like this: “I want to apologize to you. I never meant to hurt you. I was talking so much about all that I adore about you. And at one point I even said, “She’s so lovely, she even wants to learn how *she * can “better please *me * in bed!” She’s so sweet. I said this to a dear trusted friend, as a way to show how sweet you are. She knows it is a problem *I * have. I was very confused at your reaction. But over the hours I have come to understand it. I was indiscreet in bringing up anything private about us. And I’m sorry. I’ll be much more careful in the future. I’m so sorry I hurt you. You have my word I never meant to. I’ve always just been such an open book with J and S, particularly through my search for someone – for you.
8. And I accepted, and then I said something like this: “But *I * am the one that is sorry. I reacted badly. I have to look inside myself to see what caused me to hear this so badly, so wrongly. Jealousy? Fear? Insecurity? Nervousness? Need to finally be fully truthful with my mother so spending time with her does not cost me so much emotionally? I will pinpoint it and work on it. No, gentle it until it tiptoes quietly away.
9. Then we talked for a *while, * him explaining his desire for me and that he is beyond happy with me in every way, including bed, that he adores his time with me there and that *he * gets so disappointed in his “little guy” for not always cooperating, but he will find a way to be able to be more full with me for me and for us… It was personal, it was difficult, it was warm, it was beautiful, this share.
10. And this weekend, he did find a way. And I think we will find the next way – and be able to go further still (intercourse) next time. And every so often.

***THANK YOU SO MUCH – SO MUCH – SO VERY MUCH – FOR YOUR CARE!
I’m sorry I went crazy and misspoke.
I am not being defensive of him here.
It’s just that it really was my issue.

I love you.
XO

My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful:

1. Life
2. Breath
3. Voice
4. L’s patience the other night
5. And the amazing multiple orgasms he gave me last night. Oh my God, I have never…
6. And he finally came, today. Yay!!!!
7. And his kisses
8. And our caresses
9. And that he lay on me and cried over music that was playing. And I was holding him and whispering sweet nothings.
10. Last night, 3 couples out together!
11. I had always wanted that kind of thing with J. It seems that so much of what I had with J. was not really adult at all anyway. And I’m glad to know that now.
12. And the other two couples were L’s cousins and spouses. And I love that.
13. And I like each of them very much.
14. And they all embraced me.
15. As have S and Jo.
16. So that means all the people I’ve met, who love L, have embraced me.
17. And I have a strong strong feeling he feels that too.
18. And he told me that S keeps giving him advice. Like, “Make sure you help her put on her coat.” “And hold the door for her.” ..
19. I have tasted him. And I love what I have tasted. I wonder if it’s because he’s a near vegan. So his body is not processing meat and dairy…which converts into like an ammonia… … …
20. And I gave him my timer. And I’m so glad I did.
21. And he was so happy about that. Delighted. And even said, “Oh. I’ll *cherish * this!
22. And like the little-boy-nerd that this all-man-brilliant-one is, he cried out, “It has a magnet?!”
23. I went to the OA meeting this morning.
24. Went straight from L’s (which is an hour away) to the meeting (which is another 20 – 25 minutes past home.
25. I’m so glad that my ride out there went safely.
26. And my ride back.
27. And that that lovely man helped me when I missed my bridge.
28. And that I made it to the OA meeting safely too.
29. And back. Especially so tired, and with glasses broken…
30. And now it is Monday. Oh my goodness, in a few days I will be with Thich Nhat Hahn!
31. I will be driven to the airport.
32. I will be on a plane. Just me, my book, my meditation, my smile, and some hundreds of other people lol
33. And I’ll be driven to my hotel in London.
34. And it’ll be a nice hotel.
35. And I’ll have a private bathroom!
36. That I did some banking last Saturday (two days ago).
37. That I will get the garbage out tonight.
38. And my neighbor will take my mail.
39. And I will learn things about multi-cultural, ethical education, that I can bring back to my beloved district!
40. And then I shall do some sightseeing! In London! Yay!
41. And then. And then my Louis will sleep over here the day after I come back.
42. I am grateful that * I * filed for divorce. Instead of waiting for J. to do so.
43. I am so so grateful that I was ready. And could do that.
44. I am even grateful for the trying-to-breathe-through-thick-pea-soup the next day. This backlash was, I believe, normal.
45. And for the very unpleasant dreams last night of J. admitting he never loved me and the last time he thought he did was almost 20 years ago. And me following him around 12-step classrooms. All of it, though unpleasant, was my mind’s creative way of dealing.
46. L’s kisses. I had no idea anyone could kiss this way. So varied. So sensuous. I am really enjoying these!
47. And that he so enjoys my responses.
48. And on the way to work this morning I will listen to Shostokovich.
49. Daily Om
50. Notes to the Universe. I no longer get “Notes,” and don’t usually read Om, which M had signed me up for, but I’m grateful for both.
51. Every person who tries to do his/her part to help or not injure other human and non-human animals.
52. That Martin Luther King nominated Thich Nhat Hahn for a Nobel Peace Prize.
53. That I have that gorgeous picture of L on my laptop, and can look at it like right now, as I type.
54. Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz (whose picture I also see now, as I’d downloaded it for a student).
55. That we used to watch that yearly when it came on, when I was a child. Now it tends to come on around Thanksgiving. Back then it was on around Easter.
56. The night J and I and our couple-friends Jo and K, rented it at the video store. Even though it was being shown on tv that very evening! Because that way we were able to watch it at our tempo, after dinner, when it suited us, and stop it for getting drinks etc.
57. Pretty shoes.
58. That many of mine are flats or near flats, as L. is not tall.
59. The adorable gold-and-white shih tzu I got to spend a little time with Sat. evening!
60. And he did not want to come up on my lap, but made it abundantly clear that he will quite love me if he leans against me and I rub behind his cute little ears. So sweet. I was happy to oblige, of course.
61. Reiki. Oh my God, I am so grateful for Reiki. It is better than magic in my hands.
62. And that I was able to give Reiki energy to L.
63. So grateful that he asked for it.
64. And although the *situation * wasn’t ideal, as it is more difficult to give Reiki on a bed (than on a Reiki table) because of the reaching, and the moving around, and the discomfort in positions for the giver, my intention was absolute.
65. I am grateful that I had such pure intention.
66. And that it worked. What power to help, lies in the practice of Reiki!
67. All *I * knew was that my intention was strong and pure,
68. And that I really tried,
69. And that it felt sacred to me,
70. And I *so * wanted his headache to go away.
71. And that *I * was becoming more and more uncomfortable, although I wasn’t quite sure why. Yes, I am grateful for that.
72. Because as it turned out, I am, as I’d known before, highly capable regarding giving/sharing Reiki energy.
73. L’s headache went away.
74. And he said other things were released from him as well. He felt them being released!
75. I am so grateful for this sacred time/ experience we were able to share.
76. And for the reminder to myself that next time, * no matter how tired and depleted I feel, * I *MUST * get up and go wash my hands, clear my aura, whatever! So I don’t keep it in me.
77. Because I am absolutely depleted. I think it is these things:
*sexually depleted. I’m sorry to say it that way, but I am. (And not unhappy about being so!)
*emotionally near-depleted. From my own problems of fear of rejection and abandonment and hurt, through which I am still working.
*physically depleted because I get neither enough nor good enough sleep when I’m there. Neither here at this time, for that matter.
*and physically depleted due to this dehydration I experience when I’m there. Which I think is a combination of the heat and dryness of his house, and the heat and dryness of the Biomat on which he sleeps, and the wine (not that I have a lot, but I’m not used to drinking) and the less-water-drinking. The latter I can/should/will change. And that I eat less. I just have so little interest in food. But – as a compulsive overeater,
*somehow there’s a physical way in which he has entered my cells. I’m not kidding. And I’m aware that I may sound either new-age-insane-crazy or just weired, but this is really true. I am a very attuned sort of person. Have had two MAJOR psychic experiences (which were absolutely proven virtually immediately.) Anyway, something about our sexual encounter this weekend. Forgive if this sounds rude. But I am writing it on my blog and this is my safe space to be totally 100% myself. The swallowing of his ejaculation, the intense almost unbelievable draining multiple orgasms he gave me, the kisses kisses kisses, the endless caresses of sweetness, of romance, or warmth, of comforting, of sexuality – all of those and more, and the scents and tastes of our sex have – invaded doesn’t sound right it sounds violent – um – permeated that’s better – all those things, that have permeated my being, my senses, my skin, my mouth, my body and soul. Him laying atop me sobbing while his favorite emotionally deep music was playing. All of it. So heady. So enrapturing. So encompassing. So right for me and my nature. So opposite of being called, “too dramatic,” by J. Yet so energy-costly.
Anyway, because I am so energy-depleted, I am especially grateful for the opportunity to experience such intensity!
78. And not be criticized for it.
79. And coffee – a cup +, this morning lol
80. And that it DID work to wake me!
81. And that I did nap yesterday
82. And did get sleep last night. SO needed
83. And that I think I’m ready to tell everyone I’m seeing him. Let the parents and children find out I’m going through a divorce. Who cares? I am FREE! (and yes, I checked with my lawyer who says it will cost me nothing!)
84. No more secrets!!!!!!!! I will have nothing to hide from anyone. Almost fully. And as soon as tell my mother (SOON!), absolutely fully!
85. WATER!!!!!!!! I am still uncomfortably dehydrated. And SO appreciate that I am one of the so-fortunate people who have access to plenty of fresh, clean drinking water.
86. I *think * I’m grateful that L. has a pool. I mean, I’m nervous about the bathing suit situation and the can’t-swim situation. But I THINK we’ll be able to have some time there that MIGHT be fun this summer??
87. Because I am with someone who experiences things this way too.
88. ***But is also able to laugh
89. To be absurd
90. And lighthearted
91. To look at art books, "Look-Alikes-Joan-Steiner", where you find the hidden shapes in the pictures – but not one of the children’s ones only: )
92. And to be totally appropriate socially
93. And who listens so well.
94. That he’s giving me his phones to upgrade my system.
95. That I gave him my special timer. And he’s so grateful. And he will appreciate it so much.
96. Tomorrow I shall try to write 100 gratitudes *without * mentioning L. This will be difficult, but I think it will be good for me.
97. That I’m going to order a blooming tea pot to replace the gift-one I’d had, which broke.
98. That I just did order a timer to replace the one I gave L.
99. And his is black and mine is white
100. That he has nice relationship with his neighbors.
101. And this is opening ME to WANTING the open kind of life he has! Which I have ALWAYS wanted. And USED TO have. And CAN again.
102. Sorry to put another something so personal here, but I must go give myself a really good scrubbing and extra tooth brushing…still can’t “shake” the himness throughout me physically. And it makes me grateful for his taste. As a scientist, he told me that when people process meat they’ve eaten, it turns into an ammonia-like substance. This explains to me why so many women feel that the taste of men’s ejaculations is like chlorine. And I have experienced this too. But his is – clean. Like the difference between his quadruple filtered, oxygenated, other-stuff-I-can’t-remember drinking water, vs plain tap water. Or smoggy air vs. pure air. His ejaculate tasted pure. I’m grateful for that.
103. And of course, for God.
104. And for the miracles of Program in my life.
105. Oh my God, I dreamt last night, that I had a baby and was caring for my baby. Oh. That was nice.

Affirmations

God made me.
God loves me.
God knows me.
I must be good enough.

I am happy.
The universe and God are providing all I need for me.

Feelings

SO much better.
I guess to key to these problems, like yesterday's, is to either work it through on own, or talk it through with the person.

I am a good person.
I am a good friend.
God made me.
God loves me.
I am okay.

And I will be fine.
I think.

:)

Readings

For Today:

"'Mad' is the term we use to describe the man who is obsessed with one idea and nothing else." Ugo Betti

"I did not like the term INSANITY. weight problem, yes. But I knew that if I could only find the right diet, the right doctor . . . Like many an addict before me, I had to try 'by every means of self-deception and experimentation' to prove myself 'the exception to the rule.' Until I was ready to give up the excess food, which I thought I needed as much as I needed legs to walk on, nothing could have brought me to OA.
'But we will be restored to sanity' when we are ready.
I'm ready. To live a life of bleak and lonely addiction is no longer for me.
Yes, I am a compulsive o ereater. Admitting it is the first step to freedom.

For today: Am I willing to admit, deep down, that I'm like other compulsive overeaters? There is unimaginable freedom in that admission."

--

Voices of Recovery:

"At the very first meeting we attended, we learned that we were in the clutches of a dangerous illness, and that willpower, emotional health, and self-confidence which some of us had once possessed, were no defense against it." OA Second Edition, p.. 1

"What a relief to discover that it wasn't just a matter of willpower! i came to OA in a state of demoralization. I just couldn't get a handle on diet and exercise. I'd quit drinking years before my first OA meeting, and quit smoking soon after I discovered I was pregnant. Surely, I could muscle my way through this one. I understood about taking a leap of faith and surrendering my desire to drink to a power greater than myself. I thought I should be able to handle food on my own. After all, it wasn't a drug. That's what I thought! OA taught me as entirely different perspective on food. I was an addict, and I was as addicted to diets as I was to junk foods. These things affected my mind, body, and spirit in the same way that alcohol had. I had to surrender to this obsessions as well.

--

In This Moment

"In This Moment, I speak up.

Growing up in a home where caretaking and enmeshness were the norm, where peace at any price was the unspoken rule, I learned to stuff my feelings."

OMG that is totally me!

Back to the text:

"Today, when a loved one speaks to me in a demeaning or abusive tone, i have choices. In my mind, I sort out the incident and focus on my responsibility, my reaction, my feelings. I ask myself, 'What is my part in this situation? What do I need to do to take care of myself?'

Today, through working the Twelve Steps of Co-Dependents Anonymous, I have found my voice. I no longer stay silent in order to keep the peace. I share my feelings and ask for what I need. I speak up."

--

The Language of Letting Go

"Appreciating Ourselves

We are the greatest thing that will even happen to us. Believe it. It makes life much easier." Codependent No More

"It is time to stop this nonsense of running around picking on ourselves.
We may have walked through much of our life apologizing for ourselves either directly or indirectly - feeling less valuable than others, believing that they know better than we do, and believing that somehow others are meant to be here and we are not.
We have a right to be here.
We have a right to be ourselves.
WE ARE HERE. There is a purpose, a reason, and an intention for our life. We do not have to apologize for being here or being who we are.
We are good enough, and deserving.
Others do not have our magic. We have our magic. It is in us."

Oh! I love that sentence.
"Others do not have our magic. We have our magic. It is in us."

"It doesn't matter what we've done in our past. We all have a past, woven with mistakes, successes, and learning experiences. We have a right to our past. It is ours. It has worked to shape and form us. As we progress on this journey, we shall see how each of our experiences will be turned around and used for good.
We have already spent too much time being ashamed, being apologetic, and doubting the beauty of ourselves. be done with it. let it go. It is an unnecessary burden. Others have rights, but so do we. We are neither less than nor more than. We are equal. We are who we are. That is who we were created and intended to be.
That, my friend, is a wonderful gift.

God, help me own my power to love and appreciate myself. Help me give myself validity instead of looking to others to do that."

==

Grats

I am grateful:

1. Doing the three things for my mother yesterday
2. L.
3. Getting my kitchen cleaned up yesterday
4. And my lr
5. and dr
6. and sunroom
7. Getting more done for my London trip
8. Cleaning out my car! At long last!
9. God
10. EJ
11. Thich Nhat Hahn soon!
12. I can do this (London). I can.
13. And try not to criticize myself if I don’t do the theater or…
14. But just enjoy myself
15. And learn stuff to bring back to my district!
16. Coffee
17. Emergency-C
18. Claritan
19. Multi-vitamin
20. Lutein
21. Co-Q10
22. Vitamin D
23. Calcium
24. And magnesium
25. Vitamin Cs!
26. Jo, my new girlfriend through L.
27. The amazing talk we had last night, which straightened out the whole Jo thing once and for all.
28. Texting
29. I’m so glad I got the iPhone. Finally: )
30. So many things like this, are luxuries. And I get to have them.
31. The French language.
32. And that I’m taking lessons.
33. My teacher, A.
34. Honest people
35. My piano. MY piano. That I earned, and pay for, and picked out, and have.
36. My lessons when I take them.
37. That I have been able to pay my therapist.
38. That phone therapist and all he has done for me.
39. That I want to live!
40. That I will be with L. today.
41. And some of his family members later too!
42. That I was available for dear M in her suffering this morning.
43. And will continue to be.
44. So much birdsong lately.
45. My forsythia is blooming! Yay!
46. MA
47. ML
48. S
49. St
50. O
51. M
52. Jo
53. Other Jo
54. Ma
55. That I took my mother to dinner last night.
56. And I *really * didn’t want to. But it was good for her! Especially with her nervousness about me and England.
57. And how she is trying to hide her nervousness about me and England.
58. That *I * wound up having a nice time anyway.
59. That I am so excited to see L. today
60. That M did all that school paper work
61. And I sent the group e-mail after all.
62. And all is pretty much ready to do Monday.
63. And because of London, it will be a shorter work week for me!
64. Humor
65. Movies
66. Sitcoms
67. M’s AMAZING help yesterday regarding my L. “problem” though it was probably imagined. I do NOT want to sabotage this relationship!!!
68. His kisses!
69. And I shall have them soon!
70. Beautiful cards
71. The amazing, beautiful thank you card I got from my principal for the VERY SPECIAL gift I gave her when she was suffering after her surgery. I’m SO happy I did that!
72. That T. is helping me!
73. Maybe I will give her the very special other present.
74. That my passport holder will come Monday: ) !
75. That I cleaned out a kitchen drawer and bought 6 organic sulphates-free things for L, and put them in it. So when he comes her on April 7th, he’ll have something comfy if he gets puckish. Just like he has always tried to make me comfy there.
76. That he’s such a health nut.
77. It influences me positively
78. AND it takes care of his precious self.
79. That doggie, although I miss her so much, is probably happy with J.
80. That I DO want her happy.
81. That I have good hair
82. And general health! What a priceless gift!
83. And the ability to have orgasms. Yay.
84. My car
85. Electricity
86. Freedom.
87. That I had the courage to file for divorce. I would have NEVER NEVER EVER believed I could do that.
88. Let alone do that and be all right.
89. My Oleg Cassini little jacket (although it was really cheap at a discount place, and maybe even has a defect but if so I don’t see it).
90. Shoes
91. Boots
92. A hat
93. Sweaters
94. Mutuality.
95. As in my friendship with M
96. And my lovership with L
97. That maybe soon I can be fully honest with my mother. That would be so nice. For both of us. If she can do it…
98. Books. Good books.
99. And books that are not necessarily so good, but that I enjoy.
100. Magazines too. Although except for Prevention and my beloved Vegetarian Times, I might not be needing them anymore.
101. Every loving act any person has ever taken in this world.

Affirmations

I am a child of God.
I am good.
I am good enough.
I am enough.
I am loveable.

I am loveable.

The garbage men DO take my garbage.
I have a Masters Degree and 2 other degrees.
I am smart and I am whole.
I own my own home.
I am nice.

God made me and I am enough.

Feelings Work Oh Shit

I am feeling:

Jealous.
Insecure.
Stupid.
Worthless.
Like a failure.

Because I am jealous that L is so close with his former lover J, and actually TOLD HER TODAY that *I* have one thing I'd still like to learn about him: how to please him in bed.
What?!
SHE needs to know this?
Now they were lovers ending like 13 years ago. And they're very good friends, including with her 8-year-lover now. And *I'm* becoming friends with her. We like each other very much!

But I can't figure out:
Am I just jealous? Then *I* need to work this out.
But - WAS IT appropriate for him to let her know that although I've slept there twice, he still hasn't, you know.
I mean, I ASSUME she used to please him. He was 17 years younger when they started! And he is so close to her. It's weird to me. He said just today how fondly he remembers those years together (and I know she was the one who left him, and he couldn't even speak to her for a year, he was so hurt).

But it is a beautiful thing, that he is close to literally every woman he's had a relationship with. Much better than bitterness...

I guess, I WANT to say to him,
Hey! Smart man! How the fuck are you so clueless?
How would you feel if I said to my former husband J: L can't get it up and it makes him feel bad.
How would you feel?
But I can't say that because of the male ego and the little thing will likely NEVER come up if I do.

Also:
It was private. It was ours.
Why is my sex life with him her business?
Or is he just that much more open and honest than I?

He was surprised that I was distressed and I think he was disappointed because he felt my reaction was big for such a nothing. And I'm sure it was.

But this is hitting SOMETHING...

I just want to be carefree!

5 Good Things about Me:
Um. There are none?
Okay. I'll try.
1. I have a nice smile.
2. I am spiritually deep.
3. I do try to improve myself.
4. People tell me I'm very funny.
5. I think - I hope - I am a good friend to my girlfriends.

Readings

For Today:

"We don't love qualities, we love persons, sometimes by reason of their defects as well as of their qualities." Jacques maritain

"To love the whole person is not the same as thinking, 'So-and-So is fine, but . . .' I may sometimes wish friends could be free of certain shortcomings for their own sake, but it is those very defects, mixed in with their fine qualities, that make up the total personality of those who are dear to me.
Do I really accept people's defects or do I secretly demand perfection, going from person to person in a futile search for the ideal friend? This is a question i must consider carefully, for the answer shows not merely how I feel about others, but how far i have progressed toward self-acceptance.

For today: Recognizing that I still have a tendency to expect perfection in myself and others is a good beginning in letting such expectations go."

--

Voices of Recovery

"We have eaten food that was frozen, burnt, stale, or even dangerously spoiled. We have eaten food off other people's plates, off the floor, off the ground. We have dug food out of the garbage and eaten it." OA 12 & 12 p. 9

"The first time I read this passage I thought I had stumbled into some secret organization where someone was following me with a video camera. I thought back to the times I had hacked with a fork at some frozen dessert I had been saving for company. I thought about how my family nickname was 'old garbage can' because I would finish whatever food anyone left on a plate. I had brushed the dog hair off fallen snacks (a little dirt won't hurt you) and poured dishwashing liquid on food in the garbage so i wouldn't fish it out. Suddenly I realized that my behaviors were common enough to appear in a book. I looked around the meeting and and saw the faces of people with MY problem, and it was their problem, too. for the first time, I could read the rest of the wonderful book adn see myself in the answer instead of only in the problem.

--

In This Moment

What? Okay. Saw first sentence. But here we go anyway:

"In This moment, I'm a happy codependent.

Despite being codependent, I'm happy within my own skin. I have friends in the Fellowship who have a great sense of humor and positive outlook on life. They get it. I think that's because they are able to let go and let God. They're good role models for me. I want to see the glass half full. I want to get rid of fear. i work my program, do service, sponsor, and have a sponsor. I m happy because CoDA gives me so much."

--

The Language of Letting Go

"Flack from Setting Boundaries

We need to know how far we'll go, and how far we'll allow others to go with us. once we understand this, we can go anywhere." Beyond Codependency

"When we own our power to take care of ourselves - set a boundary, say no, change an old pattern - we may get flack from some people. That's okay. We don't have to let their reactions control us, stop us, or influence our decision to take care of ourselves.
We don't have to control their reactions to our process of self-care. That is not our responsibility. We don't have to expect them not to react either.
People will react when we do things differently or take assertive action to nurture ourselves, particularly if our decision in some way affects them. Let them have their feelings. Let them have their reactions. But continue on your course anyway.
If people are used to us behaving in a certain way, they'll attempt to convince us to stay that way to avoid changing the system. If people are used to us saying yes all the time, they may start mumbling and murmuring when we say no. If people are used to us taking care of their responsibilities, feelings, and problems, they may give us some flack when we stop. That's normal. We can learn to live with a little flack in the name of healthy self-care. Not abuse, mind you. flack.
If people are used to controlling us through guilt, bulling and badgering, they may intensify their efforts when we change and refuse to be controlled. That's okay. That's flack too.

==

My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful:

1. Nightgowns
2. L.
3. Sponsor
4. That I just spoke with sponsor
5. And figured out, that although I *do not want to do my program in London! * I have to
6. In fact, the not wanting to do it is evidence of the importance of/the need for me doing it
7. And – it’s like this: will I not have the disorder in London? Duh!
8. Those sweet beers that taste to me like fruity wine.
9. And maybe I’ll get a few and leave them at L’s to enjoy while he drinks India Pale Ale this season
10. Or next! Wow!
11. Gonna get all done today that I must. Will. Yes.
12. Will do for my mother today, as cannot next weekend
13. So glad will be with L tomorrow
14. And out to dinner with his family members tomorrow evening!
15. And sleeping over tomorrow night – oh bliss
16. Had lovely talk with M this am
17. And with L – first ever first thing in the morning (except the two times irl when I stayed over)
18. And last night, on phone, he was SO romantic! Omg!
19. DOING grats.
20. Also did 113 about him, as said I would after Sun. Maybe should post them too.
21. French lessons! I love my French lessons!
22. Talked with O. yesterday. Told each other we love each other. So nice.
23. And both of us are in a kind of good place.
24. Little Ji, made an amazing picture – I feel like I’ve already said this in grats but maybe not? She is quite an artist and it may wind up helping to save her (autistic)!
25. And it, that picture, became the source of our first real conversation, and initiated by her no less! I’ve waiting through the silent years a long time, she being just a month under 7 ½ years old.
26. I asked M, her mother, to take a photo of it so I could print that photo at school, in color, and bring home and frame and put up.
27. M said, “I’ll just bring you the picture.”
28. “No!” I said. It’s her favorite she’s ever made. You CAN’T take it!”
29. So M asked her if she could just take it to school for one day to make a copy for me.
30. “NO! IT’S MINE!” yelled Ji. “Just for one day, Honey.” I’ll bring it back.” “NO! IT’S MINE!” “Okay.”
31. ***Later, at bedtime, Ji, of her own violation, brought the picture in to M and said, “Here. Give this to Auntie Lynn. And tell her I love her.”
32. OMG! I am going to buy a frame, and hang it *in my living room! *
33. Kisses. At long last, kisses. And the best ones I’ve ever had no less.
34. No longer do I feel, “The thought of kissing anyone other than J is vomitous.”
35. In fact, now I feel, “The thought of kissing J. is vomitous.”
36. My sponsor told me this morning that I sound so normal and sane.
37. And that is after TWO coffees!
38. And M. had said earlier, like as soon as I’d picked up the phone, “Oh. You sound so calm.” Wonderful!
39. A few more days til London!!!! I’m SO excited!!!!
40. The people at work have NOT been gossiping about me. I’m so glad. Years ago it was so different. Even when I needed – necessary – needed surgery, and planned it as much as possible to use as much vacation time as I could, they gossiped! They used to gossip about everything. Bad. But the place has changed! Yay!
41. I’m grateful that I love my principal.
42. And my superintendent of schools.
43. And my students, of course.
44. And that L. is such an amazing teacher! The world needs that. Needs him.
45. And that I was able to tell the sort of higher up but friend with whom I was supposed to meet after school yesterday, that having filed for divorce the evening before, I was fine and the kids were fine and I *was * doing right by them, but that as the day went on, I was feeling more and more like I was trying to breathe through thick pea soup, and could we meet Monday instead.!
46. And she said yes. Phew.
47. And just the fact that *I filed for divorce. * Wow.
48. It’s certainly a mixed bag. I mean, I would have bet my – anything – that I could *NEVER * divorce him. And here *I * filed! And it hurts. It’s mixed up inside. But mostly it’s good. And I’m so grateful for that.
49. I’m so grateful that I had the courage to do it.
50. And a great lawyer to help me.
51. And that it’s not that I wanted this situation, by any means. But he did. And so it happened TO me. But at least, after moving through these what-I-now-see-as-stages-of-grief, I am able to accept. AND MAKE WONDERFUL out of it.
52. That I KNOW I am better off now!
53. This: That a college student in one of his classes said this to L. The class said, can’t we take a break and hear about your weekend with Lynn? That’s cute.
54. He knows they are struggling with this higher level of geometry, so he indulged for a moment. He said, “Well, I saw Lynn this weekend, and she is lovely and we had a very nice time.”
55. And a girl in the class actually said, “Did she cover your area?”
56. And he replied, “Did you mean that as a double entendre?”
57. And she said, “Yes but you didn’t fall for the trapezoid.” Cute. (Of course he would not have been inappropriate. So this ended up cutely: )
58. My legs. That they move.
59. And that they’re kind of pretty anyway.
60. That I am walking about more with a feeling that I’m an attractive woman. That’s so wonderful! I remember when I always knew it. And then, haven’t felt it even remotely for SO LONG.
61. And to feel it again, thanks to L and to all my hard work, is so wonderful.
62. I have a plan for my schedule after London, that I THINK might actually work.
63. And then soon it will be summer!
64. And I will be off from work.
65. I miss doggie SO MUCH. But at least I know she’s happy there.
66. Therapist.
67. Phone therapist, with whom I STILL have that 30 minute phone call coming. I think I shall take it upon my return from London.
68. Was that *I * who was just able to say that?!
69. The help and support and love I have received here!
70. Weekend!
71. Broccoli rabe
72. Broccoli
73. Spinach
74. Collards
75. Kale salad!
76. Mixed baby greens salad
77. The way I am eating better lately
78. And losing weight
79. God in my life.
80. Buddha
81. Thich Nhat Hahn
82. M bought me a suitcase!
83. And gave me a carry-on bag!
84. To keep!
85. And is being so supportive about this whole trip!
86. I was able to play with her other little one, Je, the other night.
87. And we shared music together.
88. And she was happy
89. And so was I.
90. Wonderful dark chocolate the other day.
91. That I have this job.
92. That I have my car.
93. That I am capable of cleaning. I don’t like doing it. I avoid it. I don’t WANT to do it. But I am so grateful that I CAN. If I were disabled to the point that I couldn’t, I would feel that I’d “give anything” just to function again.
94. The truth is, J was probably NEVER sure about me. And it’s time that I face that now. And be okay with it.
95. That I DON’T want to kill myself.
96. And I don’t want to die.
97. I do want to live. I want to live.
98. And to enjoy this day.
99. Prayer
100. Reiki
101. Spirituality

Affirmations

God made me.
I exist.
This is my life.
I deserve it.
I shall have it.
I do have it.
!

Feelings Work Today

I feel:

Wanted - L.
Playful - life
Relieved - my visit yesterday AND acceptance via divorce
Respected - work people
Amorous - L
Ready - for London, for relationship with L, for everything
Joyous -
Sensual -
Loving - all 3, L.
Hopeful - and more - life
Open - and relievedly so
Brave - to do the things I have to do
Sexy - L

Baffled - food stuff
Powerless - food stuff

Uncertain - L. Insecurities creeping in. Trying to keep them at bay
Bothered - the ickidy stuff I have to do
Delighted - L and this new aspect of my life, with him

Somewhat secure - somewhat

Worthy - because I am a really good person
Better - than before!
Alive - and loving it
Gleeful - like lighthearted and positively gleeful!
Supported - by L yesterday
Gratified - by it all
Welcomed - into L's home and bed, by him
Triumphant - over life's visisitudes
Awed - by being in love
Valued - by L and by friends
Trusting - in L. Mostly trusting, anyway.

Sacred - thank God.
Blessed - in countless ways. And very grateful.
Whole - because I am
Loved - by L. And by students
Welcoming - of L. And of this day. And of life
Fine - yay
Cheerful - Finally!
Free - no cheater, beater, user, stealer, addict in my house! AND Free to do what the fuck I want!
Amazed - at the magnificent twist in my life that is L. So grateful that I've met him.
Healthy - because I am. Lucky me!
Glorious - just glorious!
Empowered - to be able to be independent, and do all that is needed
Grateful - for such much!
Thrilled - about life. And about L.

5 Good Things about Me:

1. Compassion
2. Humor
3. Hair
4. Conscience
5. Openness

Readings

For Today:

"Great perils have this beauty, that they bring to light the fraternity of strangers." Victor Hugo

"Before finding OA, I could not have imagined entering a room full of strangers and telling them ho it feels to be a compulsive overeater. Feelings may be freely expressed in group therapy, for example, bur id i am the only compulsive overeater in the room, I am a stranger to the others. The great peril I face is something they do not share and can never understand.
that is why, in their divinely inspired wisdom, the founders of Alcoholics Anonymous struggled to keep AA for alcoholics. As Bill W. pointed out, all we have to share is our experience; what we have not experienced, we cannot share.

For today: The great peril of compulsive overeating makes sisters and brothers of all of us in Overeaters Anonymous."

--

Voices of Recovery:

"Getting out of my own way gives me the freedom to rise to the highest level of which i am capable." For Today, p. 280

"I see the details and fret over them; my Higher Power sees the big picture. This is my Higher Power's plan for me:
To be free of fear;
To march after every single dream;
To recognize where my passion is;
To let my passion loose;
To be strong of mind, body, and spirit;
To grasp for all the good things that could be mine;
To love unreservedly;
To keep the real priorities in front of me;
To experience joy without limits.
When I am able to accept that this is my Higher Power's will for me, I see the need to stay out of the picture. My plan wasn't nearly as good."

Yay! Beautiful! On so many levels!

--

In This Moment:

"In This Moment, I see and believe.

I attended a retreat this year in a beautiful lodge nestled on a mountaintop. Although people around me talked about the wonderful view, I was unable to see it because of the foggy weather. My recovery was like that at first. People told their stories of recovery. I heard how my view of life would change by working the Steps. i couldn't use it at first; all I could see was the fog. I slowly began to recognize the obvious recovery of others in my group. I worked the Steps and slowly but steadily, the fog lifted. Now, I reverse the old saying, 'seeing is believing' into 'believing leads to seeing.'"

--

The Language of Letting Go

"Letting Go of Being a Victim

It's okay to have a good day. Really.
It's okay to be doing okay and to feel like our life is manageable and on track.
Many of us have learned, as part of our survival behaviors, that the way to get the attention and approval we want to be victims. if life is awful, too difficult, unmanageable, too hard, unfair, then others will accept, like, and approve of us, we think.
We may have learned this from living and associating with people who also learned to survive by being a victim.
We are not victims. We do not need to be victimized. We do not need to be helpless and out of control to get the attention and love we desire. in fact, the kind of love we are seeking cannot be obtained that way.
We can get the love we really want and need by only owning our power. We learn that we can stand on our own two feet, even though it sometimes feels good to lean a little. We learn that the people we ARE leaning on are not holding us up. They are standing next to us.
We all have bad days - days when things are not going the way we'd like, days when we have feelings of sadness and fear. But we can deal with our bad days and darker feelings in ways that reflect self-responsibility rather than victimization.
It's okay to have a good day too. We might not have as much to talk about, but we'll have more to enjoy.

God, help me let go of my need to be a victim. Help me let go of my belief that to be loved and get attention i need to be a victim. Surround me with people who love me when I own my power. Help me start having good days and enjoying them."

Good!

==

My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful:

1. That I didn’t jump off that terrace.
2. That I didn’t take those pills.
3. That I didn’t lie down behind that car, backing up, in the snow.
4. That I am grateful I didn’t.
5. That I have done all this spiritual work.
6. That I spoke honestly with my sponsor this morning, about how lazy I’ve been getting with it lately.
7. That I faced that with myself too.
8. That sponsor helped me so much.
9. I know that I *must * keep up this work.
10. And I’m grateful, as it IS something I MUST do, that it is actually pleasant to do anyway.
11. And that I’m recommitted to it.
12. That, as one of the interferences has been my beloved friend M, and her morning phone calls, which I do love + want to help her(!), so I’m grateful that I discussed that with sponsor too.
13. And that sponsor said that service is the heart of our recovery. To NOT stop that. Just helped me think about finding another time to do the spiritual work (the kind that *isn’t * service). Good.
14. And, gulp, sponsor said must put off the love. (I’m in love with L. I am). NOOOOOOO! We talked. And talked. I fought this one – a lot. Was crazy enough to be willing to give up program to keep L. BUT AM AWARE THAT IS C-R-A-Z-Y!!!! And grateful that I am.
15. CoDA, well that meeting has been stopped. But I now just call it “feelings work” and still do that stuff, I think. Or I’ll concentrate more on the other. Probably still both. They work for me.
16. I am grateful to remember that this combination works for me.
17. And to know that without keeping self in fit spiritual condition, I am doomed. Truly doomed.
18. So will keep spiritually fit. Even though all I WANT to do is be with L (sigh).
19. But I am grateful to have just thought of this specifically, too: If I lose or stop improving (stagnate) my spiritual fitness, I will not be able to have ANY healthy relationship, including with L.
20. And so, my sponsor finally did say – you are able to be in love, when it DOES NOT INTERFERE with your keeping spiritually fit.
21. So we shall see.
22. I am grateful that I bought that expensive card and picked it carefully. And wrote the two sentences that I wrote.
23. I’m grateful that it got to him so quickly! (one day!)
24. And that he LOVED it. It was a bird. Beautiful. Sparkly but NOT glitter (hence the expense: ) But I KNEW he would love it.
25. And he did.
26. And he loved loved loved the two sentences I wrote.
27. And I know they were mushy but appropriate.
28. Today the team will write up our proposal for our summer grant work.
29. I think we will get the money.
30. Plus it shouldn’t be too unpleasant to do.
31. Plus the kids will DEFINITELY benefit from it next year (and after) : )
32. It is warm in here right now, but with a little cool air coming in from outside.
33. I will see the doctor tomorrow about this horrible cough.
34. She will help me. (She HAS TO! I’M GOING TO LONDON NEXT THURSDAY!)
35. *I’m going to London next Thursday! *
36. And I shall be with Thich Nhat Hahn!
37. And after those 4 days, I shall tour around a bit on my own.
38. And I shall be fed veganly for he four days of the TNH course (it is included in the price).
39. And then I shall find inexpensive, yummy, vegan, Indian food to eat.
40. And it will nourish me.
41. And I will enjoy it.
42. And I won’t need to buy anything in London.
43. And for the first 4 days I will call NO ONE!
44. Then, I think I’ll surprise L. with a call on day 5. Or, maybe not at all.
45. And I WILL sleep at night! (Right?)
46. That I had healthy whole grain bread and organic crunchy p. b. this morning.
47. And after a like 2-month “plateau,” I have finally lost another 7 pounds.
48. And I’m eating fruits.
49. And veggies.
50. And whole grains like Ezekial bread
51. Barley
52. Bulgur – which I really love
53. Bran cereals
54. Brown rice
55. Whole-grain whet bread
56. Mixed grains greads
57. Corn cereals (that don’t need hfcs!)
58. And I am able to make these choices. Very fortunate indeed. And very grateful.
59. Jacquie Lawson Animated e-card site
60. There has been no gossip around here about my divorce! It’s almost unbelievable. I am so grateful for this caliber of people. That they are not gossiping about it.
61. My iPhone. I love it!
62. That I can have that kind of luxury.
63. That I am healing. Healing. I am healing! (Divorce-wise).
64. I expect a good weekend this weekend. I remember so vividly when I expected nothing good ever again. Thank you, God, for this amazing change.
65. L. I can’t imagine a more wonderful or more welcome surprise in my life. It’s like I’ve been better. Okay. Happy even. But now, I’ve been eased into a soft-as-a-cloud elevator, and gently lifted into paradise. SO grateful.
66. And that I was better FIRST! BEFORE this! So that my whole life is NOT dependent on L! And I must hold onto that!
67. And I will! And now it’s 3/22
68. Tomorrow, I get to go to a class rather than teach one.
69. And to do some MUCH NEEDED things around here.
70. And Sat. I see my L.
71. And his family!
72. And I stay over
73. And I had a lovely visit with a female after school yesterday. Very helpful. Not at liberty to say more here now.
74. I am free. I will soon be free even of ties with J.
75. ***I will never ever be an “indentured servant * again!
76. I will never have an emotional abuser in my home again.
77. Or a physical one.
78. Or an addict.
79. Or a cheater.
80. Or a tricker.
81. Or a stealer.
82. I will be in London Thursday evening!
83. M. has given me a bracelet with beads and some kind of Asian writing I’m sorry I don’t know which kind and a lotus
84. Yesterday, I was perspiring all day. And lots of body things happening when I got home at long last. And what it felt like – was like when you have a high fever and then it reaches the point where for a day you sweat and sweat and toss and turn and then – poof – it’s gone. It’s like you’ve sweated it out.
85. ***That’s what I feel I’ve done with the J. situation! I’ve sweated it out!
86. I’ll do what I can for financial fairness.
87. And then I’ll move on.
88. On. And up. And away. And up some more. I think I have really had a body-releasing sweaty breakthrough! Oh thank you, God! And friends. Including you.
89. The visit I had yesterday, was with a friend who has a beautiful and very happy family and some money and a happy life and a beautiful smile. And I’m so grateful that she does have all this.
90. And I’m grateful that I can be grateful for it on her behalf.
91. I will plant flowers soon! Or pay someone to. Either way lol.
92. And make sure the outside is cleaned up.
93. My hfs. I’m so grateful for my hfs.
94. And stomach hunger. Which I’ve been allowing myself to follow of late! : )
95. I have a life now! I have a life now! Thank you, God!
96. That L and I were able to help Jo last night, when she was stuck alone in her car in a dark, chilly, and foggy parking lot when her car wouldn’t start.
97. We kept her company on a 3-way phone call for the hour until they came. I’m so glad. Because I could hear the stress in my new friend’s voice.
98. That I am a compassionate person.
99. That I love L.
100. M and her girls.

I've Got It - I've Got It - I Think (for today!:) I've Finally GOT It!

Person of first importance in my life:
Me!

(Person of second importance in my life, is, quite frankly, L.
Followed by doggie, who is not in actuality a person; and students, friends and other loved-ones - not in that order)

Phew!

Affirmations

God made me.
I am a creation of God and His universe.
I am good enough.
I have enough.
I am enough.
I am blissfully happy.

Feelings

Gratefulness!
Happiness!
Hope!
Ecstasy!
Tiredness!
Looking forward to helping M. tonight, after her surgical procedure, and
happy to be able to help with her precious girls
and *hoping to get some sleep!*
Grateful for veggies!
And more weight loss!

Grateful for the influence my relationship with L. is having on my eating!

And that I'll have French lesson today!

*****not worried****** SO RARE!

5 Good Things about Me:
1. I am sexual
2. I am orgasmic
3. I am affectionate
4. I am able to have an open mind and learn and grow and change, like when M. pointed out - and it took great courage on her part - what I had been doing that could have sabotaged my relationship with dear L, or even hurt him.
5. I am funny

Thank you, God.

God, I offer my self to thee. To build with me and to do with me as thou wilt. Relieve me of the burden of self, that I may better do thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help, of they power, they love, and thy way of life. May I do thy will always. Amen.

God, please give me a good day. Thank you for life. Please help me use this day to help others. Amen.

Grats

100 L.-Related Gratitudes, which I think I shall do this once, and a different way tomorrow, and that's nice.

I am so grateful:

1. That I have met Louis online
2. That we corresponded
3. That we met in person
4. Our wonderful first date at the museum
5. Me swooning against the wall from his touch
6. And his kisses. Oh, his kisses
7. Us in the rain, in that from-a-movie moment at my express bus, umbrella way down my back with the distraction of all of the L-ness of it.
8. Our bodies pressed together
9. Our humor that day
10. The art. Even the art. And how I learned/learn form him
11. The, his words, “greater sense of intimacy” with which he now felt comfortable communicating.
12. Our increased phone calls.
13. Me getting smart enough to finally agree to not wait *two * weeks ‘til our next meeting.
14. The two-museums day.
15. And ending up at the 1st-time museum again.
16. Two glasses of different wine/sharing.
17. Romance.
18. Talking.
19. The live music.
20. Reading the French picture book!
21. Me caressing his arm.
22. Our kisses (that is a theme here: )
23. Us making out in the car while waiting for my “driver.”
24. Last week, and our planned sleepover!
25. Meeting at that place and him having arranged for all my allergy needs to have attention
26. Him being so tender about my awkward, uncomfortable initial meeting with Jo
27. Our walk through his childhood neighborhood.
28. I saw his house!
29. He shared stories with me
30. The church. With the stained glass window donated by L’s dad.
31. That he shared that with me.
32. And more stories, like his 3rd-grade detention one.
33. And L. listens when I talk.
34. And our dinner, my birthday dinner with dear L, and his good friends, S and Jo. And I wound up loving her and liking them both. And had a wonderful time!
35. And L – my dear L – is comfortable being affectionate at the table.
36. And his wheedling our way in – to that romantic table for two by the window for our wines, and the sharing of them with the water sips in-between. I’ve never done that with anyone before.
37. Us agreeing today to keep some things just between us.
38. There’s an us!
39. And we didn’t specify what things. And that’s good. Because all is fine and well.
40. And us being driven back to L’s house last Sat by S and Jo
41. Me – laying back with my legs on my L, and him loving my lacy stockinged feet
42. And massaging and sort of deep-caressing them. I’ve never had that before either!
43. And the humming of the sitcom theme songs from our youths, and guessing – mostly him humming and me guessing.
44. And laughing…!
45. Then Jo and S joining in too. And here I was, caressing and/or being caressed, as always, by my dear L, humming and guessing and laughing. Me! Gleeful and giddy – IN A TUNNEL!
46. And when we go back. L sharing his house with me.
47. And his memories
48. And his photos
49. And I think even, his feelings.
50. And us getting through the one awkward photo-album moment.
51. And his open-mindedness.
52. And us going to bed. Together.
53. And him agreeing to change in another room.
54. And us having lovely romantic and sexual time in bed that evening.
55. And me falling asleep WITH L. As I had wanted to so many times!
56. He had to leave the bed, but at least I had some of that time.
57. And the next morning. Oh. Romping on the bed with romance and sweetness but also hotness and sexuality. Wow.
58. And him driving me home and not coming in, as per our agreement, so as not to make me uncomfortable.
59. And our talks this week. Yet another level of closeness.
60. And the *hysterical * laughter we’ve had this past week!
61. And my L. agreeing to take the hiv test.
62. And at least to using a condom until.
63. And last night. Getting to use not only my hand, as last time, but my mouth on him. He has a beautiful penis.
64. And a beautiful body.
65. And I think we have a way to have intercourse soon. And I am so happy about that. I will do anything for him. And enjoy every minute of it.
66. Yesterday, him standing outside as I arrived.
67. Taking in my bags.
68. Us making out.
69. Then going out. Him showing me around that fabulous place.
70. And meeting S and Jo again for a meal. And having an even deeper nice time. Talking about spirituality, yoga, headaches, school, nursing, Louis’ so-clean bathrooms…all the while my rose-patterned lace stockinged feet playing their way around his legs and, um, lap.
71. And his hands intertwining with them.
72. And our going home. Yes, this time it felt not like going ‘back to his house,” but like going “home.”
73. That bedroom. That haven he has created. Luxurious. And I’m allowed – and even desired – and even invited into it! With him!
74. Our time in the office last night. Me on my back on the floor with him reading his unbelievably fantastic published reviews to me, two of them!
75. Him lying on me again. Oh that’s such magic whenever he does that.
76. Then us moving into the bedroom
77. And all those lovelies we shared.
78. And falling asleep in each other’s arms.
79. Waking up without him there was : ( but I went down and lay on the loveseat for a while, so I’d be near him. I am grateful that I was near him.
80. And – that I went back up, got a bit of sleep, came back down, and he took me back up.
81. Oh, my God, my L. gave me the most amazing sexual experience. The. Most. Amazing.
82. When he said, “I love doing that to you.” And I said, “I love you doing it too.” And that brilliant man said, “Then why don’t you let me?” Oh! Wonderful! What a response!
83. And my L. gave me pleasure, with intention. More than “just” physical.
84. And astonishing waves and waves.
85. And he called them, “bouquets of” – what did he call them? I’m so tired. “Bouquets of pleasure?” I loved what he called them.
86. And then an earth-shattering orgasm. Oh my God.
87. He said he wanted to learn me. And to please help him to and to be free to say…
88. And because L. is so safe for me, I was able to say. Like, higher and faster.
89. And he found everything I needed. And he brought me pleasure I can’t even describe. He brought me to ecstasy.
90. And on his way kissing back up my body, he got to my center and said, “I love you.” And I said it back. And I said, Thank you, over and over. And I love you, over and over. And I don’t care if that was too much and he needs to back up a little now. He can think of it as pillow talk. But I love him.
91. And we had two private museum tours. And in one the man recognized this beautiful Professor. And even when L. said his own name with the hand-shaking business, as they do, the young man called him Professor.
92. And L. repeated his first name, like, kind of a – no, you may call me L. And then last night L. referred, to me, to my funny remark, “Wow. *You’re * allowed to call him L. He makes *me * call him Professor.” I’m glad he liked that.
93. And my L. was able to go out with his friends last night, and I think eat well, and have a nice time.
94. And we talked for over 200 minutes last night. But my goodness, it didn’t feel it.
95. Our time flies.
96. L. felt my tingles. He brought me to such heights – of sex AND life – that my special parts and entire body literally, physically tingled for over an hour after the big O!
97. And he felt them! I was not outwardly trembling. Yet he felt it. There was one point when I felt a major hip one against him as we lay naked, talking, and just as I felt it – with no outward tremble – he mentioned that he felt it right from there! This is amazing.
98. My L. is taking me out with two other couples from him family next Sat.
99. My L. said he is in this for the long-term.
100. My L. accepts and appreciates me for who I am.

Readings

For Today

"Abstinence is as easy for me as temperance is difficult." Samuel Johnson

"Deciding I'm going to have a binge tonight and then quit is like saying I'll be green-eyed today and go back to being blue-eyed tomorrow morning. As crazy as that sounds, it's what i did before I came to OA. Against all the evidence, I thought i could handle an occasional pig-out, as many noncompulsive pepole do. I stubbornly refused to recognize the difference between myself an the normies; I COULD NOT STOP. As one OA putr it, "First there was the Friday night eat-all-you-want plan, which quickly became the weekend plan, which quickly slopped over into Monday and Tuesday, which then swallowed up the entire week.'

For today: As a compulsive overeater, it is far easier for me to abstain from overindulgence in food than to try to become a 'normal' binger."

Wow. Did I ever need to hear this!

--

Voice of Recovery

"For the sake of our compulsive eating, we have turned ourselves into objects of ridicule and we have destroyed our health." OA 12 & 12 p. 10

"I was my compulsive overeating. I had lost my identity and all direction in my life. The insanity of trying to fill the emotional emptiness and the spiritual void with food consumed me. i lost my health, my ability to work, and my marriage to this disease. I am yet without these, but I see the joy and freedom of recovery. I feel neither regret not 'if only,' but simply a humble thankfulness that the craziness of my life managed to take the path that led me to God and to my daily recovery."

Wow. Really neded this too!

--

Feelings Work

I feel:

Fatigued
Coughy
Cold - like there's not enough hot liquid or heat on the earth for me

Happily anxious! I see L in a few hours. For an overnight visit. I can't wait for him! His touch, his kiss, our laughing together (unrelated to the touches and kisses lol), lying with him.
Hopefully tonight he'll be able to stay in bed longer. (Insomniac).
Hopefully tonight something else might be able to come around and stay around a little too: )

I'm a TINY bit nervous about the drive - about not going 70 mph because of my tire - but how to do that when everyone else will be

I'm almost frantic about getting this place cleaned and getting ready for London in time. Since I work all week, and sleep over L's once a weekend now (or he, here)...

I'm EXCITED ABOUT LIFE!
And THAT'S the big news!

Thank you, God.

Grats

I am grateful:

1. That I got the garbage out.
2. That L and I were able to openly discuss those – things
3. I will spend the night there this weekend
4. I cleaned the spilled water from the floor
5. I am well-liked at work
6. I am respected, also
7. I’m grateful for that time with L in my arms, sharing his hundred gratitudes. So grateful for that
8. And for the father kvelling over his son’s story writing yesterday morning.
9. Little L, my student, precious heart, who just stood up out of the blue, walked about 6 feet over to me, and said, “I love you, Mrs. _____.” In the middle of the day yesterday.
10. And I said, “I love you too, L.”
11. And we hugged. What a sweet and lucky moment for me.
12. Then, in typical 2nd-grader fashion, he added, having only ever HAD 3 teachers in this school, “You’re one of my two favorite teachers!” SO cute!
13. EJ
14. Julie
15. JJ
16. Birdie
17. L
18. Our great talk last night.
19. His cherishing of me
20. That although I’ve been up since 1:30 am, I do feel okay
21. Less than 2 weeks til London!
22. My OA sponsor
23. How happy my precious students have been lately
24. That I am finding my way to make them giggle and feel special and feel like they’re getting special little favors and things
25. The faculty room. I never used to use it. And now I do. And it’s fun.
26. Same with mailboxes. I know, it sounds ridiculous. But I used to be so shy. And the former principal, although in a way I loved her, was so intimidating to all of us and particularly to my shyness, that I avoided that area like the plague. Now I go there freely, with confidence.
27. That I smile so much at work.
28. That I HAVE work. For support, of course.
29. But also for my emotional health!
30. That what I used to think of as “the bad place,” because it kept me from J (!), I now realize is a safe place. Oh joy.
31. Emergency-C
32. Coffee
33. Hot tea
34. Fresh, clean water to drink.
35. That I can do laundry right here in my house.
36. That L. appreciates me so.
37. Have I already shared this? I don’t know. But I am so so so grateful for it. In back of car, other couple in front. They in their discussion and L and I in ours. Happy moments.
38. Then when L was chatting with one or both in front, I kicked off my shoes and started to lean back and put my legs over his. And said, “Do you mind if I do this?” And that felt good.
39. And he ignored! Was so focused on what they were saying. So I repeated, “Do you mind?” And he sort of shirked it off – was very laser-beamed in with the conversation – and sort of waved a hand and mumbled, “No.” Fine. But THEN – a moment later, he glanced down and saw my black-lace-stockinged feet on his lap and gasped a little. And said, “Oh! How sexy!”
40. And kneaded and massaged my feet for the rest of the trip! (30 minutes?)
41. And he and I were humming sitcom themes from our childhood and guessing which and the words. It was such fun.
42. And then the other couple joined in. Such fun.
43. And there I – phobic to step into an elevator a few months ago, afraid of tunnels for YEARS – was, *giddy * and *gleeful * - in the TUNNEL! The tunnel didn’t faze me. I was too filled with happiness.
44. And I told my dr.
45. And first he seemed to almost ignore it. I mean, he had sort of a wistful smile on his face about he romantic stuff, but NO REACTION TO THE TUNNEL NEWS? Then I said, “Did you hear me, that this was in a TUNNEL?” And he said, “But you didn’t know you were in the tunnel, right?” And I said, “Wrong! I DID know! The whole time! And I was giddy and gleeful! In a TUNNEL!”
46. And he picked up his pen and wrote! : )
47. And maybe this erection business WILL wind up okay?
48. Hope. Hope, always hope.
49. Just put in a load of laundry. Had trouble! It wouldn’t go on. First, I worried. Then, I thought, “Power – trace electric cord.” But only for a moment. Then I thought, “I must call J! What time do I have to wait until, before I call?” (Because still middle of night here). Then I thought of M, and could I use her washer later, and O, and how she goes to Laundromat – no help there – and then – then – I thought, “Wait a minute! Don’t panic. TRY something.” So I went and got the big flashlight, which I do keep handy, and made my away across the ickidy cellar to the circuit breaker box. In MY house, that *I * pay for! And turned each one off, then on. Then went back. Still wouldn’t turn on. Then I thought, “Trace the power cord carefully now, with the flashlight. And nothing to panic about. Worse comes to worse, you’ll go to a Laundromat this evening… And I carefully traced it. And there it was – the cord wasn’t plugged in, far away, up by “ceiling” where it should be! Plugged it in, turned on washer, and all is well!
50. And now, since then, I have talked with M for like an hour and a half on the phone! Two closest friends – heart-sisters. Each fully sharing. Each fully listening. Each fully loving. Isn’t love wonderful? All kinds of love.
51. Ka, my Reiki teacher, my friend. I love her too.
52. Morning sweet e-mails with L.
53. My drive to work. It’s a nice drive.
54. Will take mother for her milkshake and hamburger later.
55. Maybe can arrange quick pedicure first. Needed!:)
56. I am grateful for kisses.
57. And for the hope of lovemaking with L.
58. And that he’s going for the hiv test today. Because I won’t do it without it.
59. L said he will get the hiv test. Make appointment today.
60. That felt good to me. Then, I told Mer, and she said that was sweet.
61. I *am * stronger than I thought! (Right?)
62. I have experienced stomach hunger a FEW times lately! Great! I am letting myself eat as a response to stomach hunger! Yay!
63. French lesson Monday.
64. Can do some of the homework this weekend?
65. J. swears we’ll be fair to each other. (We’ll see).
66. Have cried this morning. But guess needed to…
67. Have also played a little sweet piano, no music. Needed to.
68. Romance.
69. Being treated like a lady.
70. Being cherished. And being told I am.
71. Being given helpful directions by my therapist as to how not to lose myself into L.
72. Following them, the best I can.
73. A potentially not-too-hard day at work today.
74. My hair
75. My teeth
76. My eyes
77. I will be with Thich Nhat Hahn soon!
78. Oh my gosh, his monks and nuns will probably sing!
79. Phone
80. Cell phone
81. House charger
82. Car charger
83. Lentils and whole grain rice for breakfast
84. And hot coffee
85. Will have lunch from store by school, and free because have gift certificate
86. L said he’s getting massage today. I hope that’s true (for him)
87. I’ll figure out a dinner for tonight
88. Eyesight
89. Hearing
90. Reading Helen Keller to the kids
91. Helping M yesterday with her class
92. My principal
93. Smiles
94. Typing
95. That I have a home. Right now I have a home
96. The times I’ve been driven places
97. The times I’ve been taken to buy craft stuff, by J
98. Doggie, although I miss her terribly, is probably quite happy where she is
99. My hands
100. Sending L good healing energy last night